BATMAN AND ROBIN: Script By Akiva Goldsman Mistied By: Steven Savage badger@infinet.com Michele Savage bizarra@infinet.com Lisa Fournier ayma@infinet.com Jeff Fournier ayma@infinet.com Daniel Sikorski ikaros@infinet.com Joe Barlow jbarlow@ipass.net Michelle Puthoff keina@iwaynet.iwaynet.net Katrina Padgett padgitt.1@osu.edu Donald Stephens Walter Powell and anyone we forgot . . . SPECIAL EFFECTS, SOUND, GAFFER, BEST BOY ALL PRETTY MUCH IRRELEVANT SINCE WE TYPED THIS. This script is copyright (c) 1997 by Warner Brothers. The assorted rude commentary is copyright (c) 1997 by the above. No infringements on existing copyrights are intended. [SOL. THE LIGHTS ARE LOW. MIKE AND THE BOTS ARE HUDDLED TOGETHER] MIKE: This is weird, guys. CROW: I know. Tom, what is that smell? MIKE: That's not what I mean. Just moments ago we were fleeing Mrs. Forrester, again, and now we're stuck in a place beyond time and space. CROW: And it stinks. TOM: Oh, like your body odor is like a florists finest, beakboy. CROW: Well I'm not the one that looks like a fire hydrant . . . MIKE: Guys. Listen, we can fight over body odor no matter how bad both of you smell . . . TOM AND CROW: Hey . . . MIKE: . . . we're stuck in this Phantom Zone(tm) type place and . . . CROW: Mike, you just spoke in trademark! MIKE: I just mentioned the Phantom Zone(tm) from Superman(tm) . . . uh-oh. TOM: Mike that was weird. MIKE: Yeah, er, we'll be right back. [COMMERCIAL SIGN] [The Psychic Friends Network degrades all of humanity. Film at eleven] [SOL] TOM: Batman(tm), Cheez Wiz(tm). This is cool! CROW: Pound Puppies(tm)! MIKE: OK, OK. Geez, you guys are easily amused. CROW: Of course, we hang around with you. MIKE: Thanks. Just a moment. {Pulls down the Nanite-viewing scope) Hey guys? [NANITE VIEW] NANITE NED: Yes? [SOL] MIKE: Can you guys build me something that will tell me what kind of strange alternate universe we've fallen into? And can you do it without committing some form of genocide? [NANITE VIEW] NAITE NED: Surefinenoproblem. Billgivemeaquantumrealityrelationalscannerwithpastvariantadjustmentpronto! [SOL. MIKE IS SUDDENLY LOOKING AT A SCREENLIKE DEVICE THAT APPEARED IN HIS HAND] MIKE: Woah. You guys, um, did anything blow up? CROW: You haven't ruined any other civilizations that we know of. Krypton(tm)! Daxam(tm)! MIKE: Ok. Lesse, according to this, we're in . . . the Phantom Zone(tm). TOM: Something like the Phantom Zone(tm) from Superman(tm) comics, hmmm . . . MIKE: No, er, the real one. Apparently we're in a place between fact and fiction. TOM: An Oliver Stone film? MIKE: No, we've crossed over from our real universe to a place where fiction is real, and this Phantom Zone(tm) borders on it! CROW: Wow. I'm glad it's not the other way around. Wouldn't that suck, being fictional? MIKE: So, whenever we mention something trademarked, like the Phantom Zone(tm), we get that "trademarky" experience. TOM: Cool, I wonder . . . [A BANGING SOUND COMES FROM OUTSIDE. GYPSY POPS UP AS USUAL] GYPSY: Guys we've struck something outside! I'm having it brought in for analysis. MIKE: Er, why? GYPSY: I'm bored. MIKE: That makes . . . hey! [A STRANGE SARCOPHAGUS-LIKE DEVICE SUDDENLY POPS UP IN FRONT OF MIKE. HE NEARLY JUMPS ATOP THE SOL CONSOLE] MIKE: Yaahhhh! Geez! TOM: Cool! Hey, that looks like Julie Schwartz! MIKE: Who? CROW: Oh, the lovably curmudgeonly once-editor of DC comics. Guy showed up at nearly every convention you could imagine for years. MIKE: And a gigantic box that looks like him is floating in the Phantom Zone(tm). What's this inscription? CROW: "If ye valuest your immortal soul, do not open this box. Unless you are Rob Liefeld. Then, go ahead." MIKE: Strange, I . . . [TOM BEGINS PLAYING WITH THE SARCOPHAGUS. IT SPRINGS OPEN] MIKE: Tom! What about that immortal soul thing! TOM: I don't think I have one, so what's the problem . . . oh, sorry Mike . . . MIKE: Thanks, Tom. I . . . hey, what's this? [MIKE PICKS SOMETHING OFF OF THE FLOOR. IT LOOKS LIKE A SHEAF OF PAPERS] MIKE: It's - My God(tm), it's the script to Batman(tm) & Robin(tm)! CROW: The movie? From, what, 1997? Wow, even at the edge of the universe I heard about that . . . TOM: I don't believe it! Why would they seal that away . . . oh. MIKE: They must have used the mystic symbolism of Julie to lock it away from humanity! Imagine the evil a movie with George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger could contain! And we've opened it, and . . . [SOL BEGINS TO SHAKE. MIKE LOOKS AT THE SCANNER.] MIKE: Reality is altering! Whats . . . GYPSY: The script's evil is downloading itself into the theater, its . . . [LIGHTS FLASH] ALL: We've got scriptsign!!!! {6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1] [THEATER. ENTER TOM, MIKE, CROW] TOM: Great. Schwarzenegger, Clooney, Thurman, O'Donnel, and Silverstone, all humiliating themselves. MIKE: At least it has Uma Thurman . . . TOM: This is a SCRIPT, Mike. MIKE: I can dream. >FADE IN ON: > >1 INT. BATCAVE -BATMAN'S COSTUME VALUT > Chrome and shadow. A black gauntlet SNAPS into place. A > cape WHIPS over a dark rubber back. CROW: Chains and green leather mittens appear! A bat-shaped buckle > LOCKS. TOM: A garter slides up the leg . . . MIKE: An audience PUKES . . . >2 INT. BATCAVE ROBIN'S COSTUME VALUT - INTERCUT > > A silver throwing-bird is chosen from a weapon's array. CROW: The rest of G-force appears! > Gloved hands lift a black eye mask. Tunic armor CLICKS shut, > turning to reveal the chest-borne insignia of a Robin. ALL: Tweedle-deedlee-dee! Tweedle-deedlee-dee! > > >3 INT.BATCAVE CROW: Float Batcave! TOM: Double Batcave! MIKE: String Batcave! > > BATMAN - CLOSE. Emerges from his costume vault. CROW: And his closet. > WIDER CROW: Deeper! TOM: Faster! MIKE: Okay guys . . . > This is not your father's Batcave. MIKE: What, is it your little sisters? > Deeper excavation has > doubled the size of the cavern. CROW: It's my little batcave! > New state-of-the-art > computing systems flash. Surveillance screens monitor news > and police FREQUENCIES. Crime's worst nightmare. MIKE: Is not in right now, but if you leave a message, it'll get back to you! > Batman strides towards the rising steam-obscured pedestal > which bears the sleek, redesigned Batmobile. TOM: We have GOT to get that sauna out of here. > ROBIN appears in the door of his costume vault, dressed in > the black and red of his Nightwing costume. CROW: Kinda funny since he is named 'Robin'(tm). > Two dark > avengers stand suited, ready to take back the night. MIKE: For which they'll need a receipt. > BATMAN > Nice suit. And today you are? TOM: Played be the same actor, unlike you . . . > > ROBIN > Nightwing. Scourge of darkest evil. > > BATMAN > This is all about fashion for you, isn't it? > > ROBIN > It's the gear. Chicks love the gear. > TOM : Then why would you wear it? MIKE: Looks like a long, deep slide into homoerotica, guys. TOM: And you're surprised? > ALFRED steps forward, out of the shadows. CROW: Followed by a Vorlon. MIKE: He has always been Alfred. TOM: Maybe we're all Alfred. CROW: Has Alfred always been here? MIKE: No, but it already feels like we have . . . > ALFRED > Do call if you're going to be late for dinner, sir. > >4 TURBOS - CLOSE. ROAR. The Batmobile SHOOTS away through > the arches of the cave access tunnel. CROW: And golden arches! > >5 The compass to of the Batmobile service pedestal splits > wide like the opening petals of a flower, revealing a > sleek, turbo-charged motorcycle. meet Robin's bike: The > Redbird. CROW: Pleased to meet you Motorcycle! > ALFRED > Drive carefully, Master Wing. CROW: I'm not going there! > > ROBIN > Don't wait up, AL. MIKE: I suppose he can call him Al. > >6 The REDBIRD'S TURBO - CLOSE. EXPLODES into life. MIKE: Robin(tm) rains down in tiny pieces. CROW: Yeah, and an audience BURSTS into FLAMES. > The > powerful bike SHOOTS after the Batmobile. TOM: Slamming right into the windshield! > >7 ALFRED watches them go. CROW: Thank God they're gone! > Then, he relaxes, lets his weight > fall against the main console, a man not as well as he seems. MIKE: Which describes most of the cast . . . > >8 INT. BATCAVE ACCESS TUNNEL - BATMOBILE - MOVING CROW: Moving? Duh! > > Batman is behind the wheel, Robin visible through the > window. CROW: Smacked him good! MIKE: Just turn on the windshield wipers, Bruce. > > BATMAN > Ten police cruisers frozen solid on > the Gotham Expressway . . . CROW: Two turtle doves . . . TOM AND MIKE: And a partridge in a pear tree . . >9 INT. BATCAVE ACCESS TUNNEL - REDBIRD - MOVING > > Robin is on his bike, data scrolling on his console monitor. TOM: Bad mothers! Bad mothers! CROW: He's got the only cycle that can access alt.pictures.sex.men. > > ROBIN > ... A giant drilling truck burrowing under > the city ... > > BATMAN > Mr. Freeze. MIKE : No, a gigantic drilling truck you doofus! > ROBIN > The batcomputer tracks him heading > for the Gotham Museum. > > BATMAN > The new antiquities exhibit. The > Second Sun of the Sudan. CROW: Say that seven times fast! > > ROBIN > Of course. He's going to steal the > giant white diamond. TOM: Wow, what detective work. I'm inspired. > > BATMAN > No, Robin. He's going to jail. MIKE : No, he's heading for the museum, see! > >10 OMITTED ALL: Thank God! > >10A BATMAN'S MONITOR - CLOSE - THE GOTHAM MUSEUM > > PUSH IN ALL: Pull out! >11 EXT. GOTHAM MUSEUM - NIGHT > > A stone and glass palace set on the edge of Gotham's > Central Park. > >12 INT. GOTHAM MUSEUM - NIGHT MIKE: Well, it's not Ed Wood - night stayed night. > > A GIANT DRILLING TRUCK points up through the rubble of the > shattered museum floor. CROW: Men in leather, a phallic symbol . . . > >13 WIDER. A great hall bearing the skeleton of a mighty > brontosaur amongst a myriad of other exotic antiquities. > All frozen. MIKE: Ok, Willy, did you change the thermostat - AGAIN? > >14 HOLD on A GIANT DIAMOND CASE > > The case begins to glow blue, then white, the shatterproof > glass EXPLODING into a thousand flying fragments. TOM: Shatterproof my ass! > >15 RACK IN through the storm of ice and glass, ACROSS the > frozen floor, PAST exhibits of Aztec ruins peppered now > with three FROZEN GUARDS, TOM: Two turtle doves! CROW AND MIKE: And a partridge in a pear tree! > UP stone steps of a pyramid > altar TO REVEAL... MIKE: Ed MacMahon! TOM : Heeeers Brucie! > > A silver suited figure stands, bald head visible beneath a > helmet, TOM: Then what the hell kind of helmet is it? CROW: I'm having' a Metaluna flashback . . . > A high-tech bazooka in his hand. MR. FREEZE > > FREEZE > The Iceman Cometh. MIKE: Please, please, leave your personal life out of this! > >16 WIDER > > A gang of Thugs in thermal suits, THE ICEMEN, MIKE: How imaginative. skate to the > base of the steps. Two hold a MOANING, shivering GUARD > captive. CROW: Do you know how embarrassing it is to be held captive buy guys in long johns? MIKE: You get over it. TOM: Mike, tell me you don't know what that feels like. > > GUARD > Please. Show some mercy. MIKE : Please, sir, may I have some mercy? > > Freeze begins down the altar steps. A SHIMMERING, TERRIFYING > GOD. TOM: Is not hear right now, so you'll have to deal with Schwarzenegger and twenty pounds of costume. > > FREEZE > I'm afraid my condition has left me > cold to your please of mercy. MIKE: As well as all acting ability. > >17 Freeze FIRES his weapon, CROW: But if it's a cold-based weapon . . . > the beam of cryonic energy > engulfing the Guard, turning him to ice. > > FREEZE > (knocks on the guard's cheek) > Copsicle. MIKE: OK. I want Schwarzenegger dead. > > Freeze closes, now, on the shattered case. CROW: That's gotta hurt! > > FREEZE > In this universe, there is only one > absolute. Everything... MIKE: Is half-off on Tuesdays? > > Freeze swipes away the shattered glass and steel, from the > debris lifts a tremendous diamond. MIKE: It's all about size, isn't it? CROW: I thought it was about the gear. TOM: I thought it was about sequels that should never be made. > > FREEZE > ...Freezes. > > Freeze holds the diamond high over his head, the light > hitting the gem liike a star. TOM: If a star was small and made of crystalline carbon and fist-sized. MIKE AND CROW : Arnie in the sky with diamonds . . . > >18 THE SKYLIGHT - CLOSE. EXPLODES. MIKE: A skylight buys it in every one of these leather-boy action films! > Batman free-falls into > the room, hitting the brontosaurus and sliding down its > neck, ALL: Ow! > SMASHING Freeze with his feet, the diamond sliding > across the frozen floor. MIKE: It's the smell that gets you. > > FREEZE > (aiming his pistol) MIKE: Notice it was a bazooka. CROW: I guess it is all about size! TOM: Maybe it is about the gear. > Bat on ice, anyone? > >19 Batman KICKS the pistol high in the air, catches it. CROW: Licks it. > > BATMAN > Didn't your mother ever tell you not > to play with guns? MIKE : Ya, right before I shot her. >20 Freeze cartwheels across the room, kicking the gun away > from Batman, catching it in mid air. TOM: They're stealing each other's routines! I don't believe this! MIKE: We're twenty scenes into the movie, and it's already ripping itself off. > > FREEZE > You're not sending me to the cooler. TOM: You ARE the cooler! >21 Freeze FIRES. Batman dodges the blast. Freeze takes aim > again. > >22 THE FRONT DOORS - CLOSE. BLOW OPEN> Robin, on the > Redbird, flies into the room. CROW: I'm the most interesting character here! Ha! > >23 BATMAN uses the distraction, flying-kicks the gun into > the air. MIKE: It's always a good idea to use your youthful sidekick as a distraction when he rides into an icy museum on a high-tech crotch rocket. > >24 ROBIN soars over Freeze's head, kicks the airborne gun to > the altar atop the giant pyramid. TOM: Summoning dark forces from beyond . . . > ROBIN > Score. And the crowd goes wild. ALL : Yay. >25 Robin lands, laying his bike sideways in a slide, CROW: Hamburgering his knees . . . > KNOCK- > ING a precious vase into mid air. he grabs a statue, > using it to whip around in a dismount. MIKE: OK. Dismounts. Flying kicks. Guys in costumes. I'm not sure if I'm watching an ice show or a porn film . . . TOM: I think it's both. CROW: I think it's about size. MIKE: Or the gear? CROW: Definitely. > >26 BATMAN catches the falling vase, replaces it, MIKE: With what? A cantaloupe? A hamster? The Magna Carta? > as Robin > skates beside him. The two heroes race for Freeze. CROW: First one to the villain is a rotten egg! > > FREEZE > Grab the gem. Kill the heroes. TOM : And don't get it backwards like you did last time! > >28 MORE INCEMEN in hockey masks, sticks in hand, rush the > caped crusaders from both sides. MIKE: Oh, no, there's going to be a hockey joke, I know it! CROW: I blame the Hockey Strike for this. > >29 ROBIN > It's the hockey team from hell. TOM: It's the script from hell. CROW: If hell froze over. MIKE: It has, this became a movie. > >30 FREEZE is racing towards the altar and his fallen gun. > SIX GUARDS rush in through a side door and swarm the > unarmed Freeze. Mistake. MIKE: One of many, that's what we're thinking, right guys? TOM AND CROW: Yeah. Oh yeah. > > Freeze begins wailing on the Guards. It's a straight MIKE: The only straight thing in this script, I bet. TOM: Wailing? His he shouting at them? > display of fisticuffs executed with unbelievable speed > and precision, hooks, jabs, upper and lower cuts CROW: Actually, they're cold cuts. MIKE: Ugh . . . > all > perfectly delivered, felling the assault force. > >30A FREEZE > Cop-suey. TOM: Number-one super guy? > > He begins racing again for his gun. MIKE: It's not about the diamond, it's about the gun, isn't it? TOM: So it is about the gear . . . > >31 BATMAN AND ROBIN begin a martial arts extrordinaire, > blocking stick blows, punching and kicking the Icemen. MIKE: Hockey joke coming . . > >32 THE GEM lays on the ice behind the wall of advancing > ICEMEN. TOM: In the end, this is really about a pretty lump of carbon, isn't it? CROW: Or chicks, I'm not sure. MIKE: Or size. > >33/34 BATMAN AND ROBIN grab two assailants, slipping between > their legs, skates popping out of their boots, as they > snatch the Icemen's sticks and trip the villains. CROW: What? MIKE: I'm not sure what happened. > >35 FREEZE has made it to his gun. He turns, FIRES, creating > an ice bridge to the floor. TOM: Great, now he's stealing Iceman's(tm) shtick from Marvel comics. > > FREEZE > Caution. Bridge may ice over. MIKE: Kill him! Kill him! CROW: Mike calm down, we got a long way to go . . . MIKE: Oh, that helps. > >35A He slides down the ice bridge to the floor below. > Starts racing for his giant drilling truck. > >36 BATMAN begins skating towards Freeze. > > BATMAN > You get the ice. I'll get the iceman. > >37 ROBIN skates through the Thugs, double sticking, CROW: Ahem. TOM: Didn't the Thugs play with the Buzzcocks? > CHECK- > ING them wildly into the boards, reaches down and scoops > up the diamond. > > ROBIN > Sweet. CROW: Tweet! > >38/39 FREEZE is racing towards his truck, Batman closing fast > behind him. MIKE : Nice glutes! He must work out! > Freeze spins and FIRES. > >40 BATMAN ducks, using his cape as an ice shield, deflecting > the beam into a closing Iceman behind him, freezing the > villain solid. > >41 FREEZE disappears behind the giant brontosaurus. MIKE: Knowing Schwarzenegger, it's the other way around. > >42 ROBIN skates into line with Batman, both heading fast for > Freeze. > > ROBIN > (shows the diamond) > I got mine. Where's yours? CROW: Later Robin(tm), later . . . TOM: There is a lot of unsaid sexual chemistry - which I'm glad goes unsaid . . . > >43 FREZE FIRES his gun, freezing the legs of the mighty > Brontosaur. > > FREEZE > What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age. CROW: I thought it was a meteor. MIKE: Yeah, but this is funny. Well, in theory. > >45/45 Freeze pushes on the belly of the beast, the mighty > creature toppling forward, EXPLODING in front of Batman > and Robin. CROW: It was mined . . . > >46 ROBIN > He's definitely extinct. > >47/48 BATMAN AND ROBIN skate fast to avoid the debris. CROW: But not fast enough to avoid the movie. > >49 AN ICEMAN flies in from the side, hitting Robin's hand, > sending the gem flying free. TOM : I'm free! > >50 ANOTHER ICEMAN skates to the gem, HITTING it with his > stick, sending the diamond flying up onto the landing by > the front doors. MIKE: We have hockey sign . . . > >51 FREEZE has made it to his truck, is climbing towards the > hatch. > >52 THE ICEMEN are a rushing wall between the caped crusaders > and the gem. Batman and Robin skate toward the villains, > pulling flagpoles from a display as if they are about to > joust the Icemen. TOM: It's Joust the Icemen, live with Men Without Hats and Nitzer Ebb! > > At the last second, Batman and Robin drive their poles > into the ice, TOM: Freudian Symbolism Plus! > vaulting over the heads of the Icemen > towards the landing and the waiting gem above. > >53 FREEZE has climbed to the hatch of his vehicle. > > FREEZE > Hit me boys. TOM: Do it! Do it! > >54/55 Batman and Robin land on the landing inches from the gem. > An Iceman skates from the wings, with a SLAPSHOT, sends > the diamond flying. > >56 FREEZE'S GLOVE - CLOSE. The diamond HITS. A perfect > catch. > > FREEZE > Thanks for playing. TOM : You win six pounds of Rice-A-Roni as a consolation gift. > >57 Freeze drops into the cab of his giant drilling truck. > The hatch starts to slide closed. > >58 BATMAN > Round up the thugs. I'll get Freeze. MIKE: We've done this before. TOM: Yeah, and Robin(tm) STILL kicked your pasty white, leather-clad, actor-changing ass! > >59/60 Batman leaps onto the banister, slides standing down the > rail and jumps, dropping into the closing hatch after > Freeze. CROW: Then he runs back up and rides back up again. He liked that! > >61 INT. DRILLING TRUCK - CONTROL CAPSULE MIKE: Are control capsules like tiny time capsules giving you control? > > A bank of control panels are set inside the giant glass > head of the drill. Batman falls in to find Freeze standing > at the main console. > > BATMAN > Stop the insanity. TOM: Great, the movie is going to be over! > > FREEZE > Nice of you to drop in. > > Freeze hits a button. A tremendous ROAR. CROW: It turns into a mechanical lion. TOM: It's Voltron! MIKE: Form Blazing Sword! TOM: More like form Blazing Saddles . . . > >62 INT. MUSEUM > > The capsule, set on the end of an ejection cylinder, > BLASTS out of the drilling truck, rising like a rocket > towards the roof. CROW: No symbolism here! MIKE: Er, it appears to BE a rocket? TOM: The scriptwriter hasn't even bothered to inform himself of his own plans. >63 ROBIN jumps on another banister, slides down, grabs a > banner and swings himself onto the side of the cylinder, > clutching a porthole ledge and hanging fast. MIKE: How do you hang fast? You either do it or you don't? Hanging is binary, you idiot! TOM: I say hang them high - for a fist full of dollars. > >64 EXT. GOTHAM MUSEUM > > The capsule BLOWS through the top of the museum, ROCKETING > towards the starry night sky above. CROW: Punching a hole in it! > >65 ZOOM IN. Robin clings to the side of the rocket for dear > life. MIKE: See, it is a rocket! TOM: Only you care, Mike. CROW: I think Mr. Freeze(tm) thinks Robin(tm) is like one of those Garfield(tm) sticky things . . . > >66 INT. CAPSULE > > Batman is thrown to the floor by the powerful > acceleration. Freeze stays upright, protected by his > mighty suit. CROW: Yeah, neutronium moon boots. MIKE: Even the laws of physics can't touch Schwarzenegger. > > BATMAN > You were a great scientist once. > Don't squander your genius on evil. > > FREEZE > I hate being lectured. TOM: I prefer a Power Point presentation! > >67 Freeze throws Batman, hard, MIKE: I don't care what his physical condition is . . . > into the bulkhead, uses his > pistol, to FREEZE Batman's ankles and wrists to the wall > in chunks of ice. CROW: Oooooooooooh! Ice Bondage!