> > FREEZE > Watch the numbers, Batman. For they > are the harbingers of your doom. > >68 ALTIMETER CLOSE. 10,000 feet and climbing fast. TOM: AUDIENCE CLOSE. LEAVING SLOWLY. > > FREEZE > Can you feel it coming? MIKE: No, I feel nothing > The icy cold > of space. At 30,000 feet your heart > will freeze and beat no more. TOM: Ah, like Newt Gingrich's. > > THE ALTIMETER CLOSE. 15,000 feet and rising. MIKE: Is it too late for me to note that I don't care? TOM: THE AUDIENCE. LEAVING FASTER. > >69 EXT. CAPSULE > > Robin has climbed onto the nose-cone. Is struggling CROW: With his next line! TOM: Can you imagine the windburn he has? > against the acceleration, using bat-magnets to crawl > towards the escape hatch. > >70 INT. CAPSULE > > Freeze steps into a glide-wing backpack mounted on the wall. > > FREEZE > After you have frozen, your icy tomb > will plummet back to Gotham. TOM : Followed by a short eulogy. > > BATMAN > Freeze, you're mad. This capsule > will slaughter thousands. TOM: And annoy millions. > > Freeze releases the door behind him, the sky WHIPPING past > beyond. > > FREEZE > Ain't it grand? Freeze well. > > Freeze leaps out into the night. MIKE: Weighing over 400 pounds, the glide wing doesn't support him, he crashes into the city, destroying the Gotham(tm) Arboretum and ending the movie . . . TOM: Hallucinate much, Mike? MIKE: I could use a little more. > >71 EXT. NIGHT SKY > > Freeze begins to plummet towards the lights of Gotham > below. > >72 FREEZE'S BACKPACK - CLOSE. A sleek wing extends from its > housing. CROW: However, he put it on sideways, so it slices him in half! > > Freeze angles himself downward in mid air, using his > glide wing to control his fast flight towards the > distant city. > >73 INT. CAPSULE CROW: Bright lights. Big city. Bad movie. > >74 The controls, the glass nose-cone, the capsule itself are > all frosting over. The hatch opens. Robin drops in. > > ROBIN > I was just hanging around. MIKE: There've already been enough lame one-liners for two movies! > > BATMAN > I thought you were going to stay in > the museum and round up the thugs. > > ROBIN > How about, nice to see you? Glad > you're here to save my life. > >75 Robin pulls a laser from his utility belt, FLASH MELTS > one of his ice-shackles. CROW: The Flash(tm) is in this movie? > > BATMAN > When we get home, we're having a > little communication workshop. CROW : Not again . . . TOM: Well, Master means this, Slave means this . . . > > Robin FLASH METLS the other ice gauntlet. Batman is free. TOM: But Robin(tm) costs extra. > > ROBIN > Is it cold in here or is it just me? > >76 ALTIMETER - CLOSE. 20,000 and rising. Ice is forming > everywhere. CROW: Not at that speed! > > BATMAN > Got to make sure this rocket doesn't > turn Gotham into a crater. MIKE: Who would notice? Metropolis(tm) would just have a party to celebrate! TOM: Still speaking in trademark. MIKE: Yeah, it's like being in the Gary Gygax universe . . . > >77 Batman whips a bat-shaped charge, throws it onto the > ceiling. An armed light on the charge flashes green. TOM: The armed light shoots them dead! > > ROBIN > Now what? We call a taxi? CROW: Hey, we're gonna see Space Cabby! > >78 Batman grabs a handle marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE BOLTS. > Robin smiles, grabs a similar handle on the opposing metal > door. CROW: Marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE NUTS. > > BATMAN > Watch the first step. > > ROBIN > Surf's up. CROW: Audience - Interest is down. > >79 Both pull the release handles, leaping onto the capsule > doors as the EXPLOSIVE bolts BLOW them into space. CROW: Phallic Symbol Five. TOM: Yeah, our last best hope for crude symbolism. > >80 THE BATCHARGE LIGHT - CLOSE. Goes red. > >81 EXT. NIGHT SKY - FALLING > > As the capsule EXPLODES above them raining falling > debris, Batman and Robin skyboard on the doors down > towards... MIKE: It's Dark Star! > >82 FREEZE is ROCKETING to earth, the diamond in his hand. MIKE: A song in his heart. > >83/84 OMITTED ALL: Thank you . . . > >84A BATMAN AND ROBIN race towards Freeze and the city > below. > > The caped crusaders avoid skyscraper turrets and elevated > bridges as they follow in Freeze's wake. TOM: But the billboards get them . . . > >84B BATMAN swoops down above the villain, pushing off his > skyboard, grabbing Freeze around the neck, the diamond > flying into mid air. > >85 ROBIN maneuvers in a grand flip, grabs the falling gem. CROW: Robin(tm) makes a mistake and grabs Freeze's(tm) family jewels instead! > >86/87 FREEZE releases his glide pack buckle, MIKE: His pants fall off . . . > dislodging Batman, > the hero and the glide pack spinning away from Freeze. > >88 BATMAN dumps the glide pack, arcs back into his rushing > drop. MIKE: I think we'd have to see the film to make sense of this . . . > >89-91 OMITTED CROW: And those were the scenes that explained the whole movie. > >92 FREEZE is descending fast towards the giant smoking >93 chimney of a towering industrial complex. TOM: Phallic symbol six or so . . > He aims his gun > at the smoking toward and FIRES, the fast maw quickly > covering with snow. MIKE: Fast Maw . . . CROW: Hang on Maw, we're going fast! > >94 Freeze plummets into the snowy chimney. > >95 BATMAN AND ROBIN drop into the ice shaft after the > villain. > >96 FREEZE FIRES his gun as he falls, slowing his descent by > turning the chimney into a madly snaking tunnel of ice > before him. MIKE: And this accomplishes . . . what? TOM: Employing special effects people. > >96A-96D OMITTED MIKE: And here's where skating stops terminal velocity. > >97 BATMAN AND ROBIN tumble head first through layers of snow > after the villain. They pull their Batgrapples and FIRE. > >98 BATGRAPPLES - CLOSE. Hit the wall. Catch. MIKE: I can just see Green Lantern(tm) up there, looking at all this spaceborne mess, and thinking 'Not My Problem.' > >99 BATMAN AND ROBIN use their tethers to slow their descent, > landing hard in... > >100 INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > A long submarine-like corridor > > ROBIN > Cool. Can we do that again? MIKE: No young man, and if you ask again, we're going RIGHT back to the Batcave! > >101 Batman and Robin race towards Freeze who is fleeing down > the other end of the corridor. he points his gun at the > ceiling. FIRES. > >102 The sprinkler system pipes EXPLODE, forming a mighty, > intense blizzard in the wind-tunnel. > >103 BATMAN > Sudden temperature drop. Watch out > for the... TOM: Tree! MIKE: It's George of the Clooney! >104 A blast of wind ROARS down the tunnel, SLAMMING the > doors, sending snow and ice whipping towards them > > BATMAN > Wind. CROW: Sorry. Lentils. > >105 Batman and Robin WHIP their capes over their faces, MIKE: And each other . . . > push > forward, fighting the storm, going through the doors one > by one. > >106 INT. BOILER ROOM > > Frozen. At the terminus of the tunnel. A frozen boiler > stands in the center of the icy moat of the building's > INTERNAL RESERVOIR. The door swings open, Batman pushing > inside. > >107 Freeze flies from behind the door, SLAMMING the metal > portal hard into Batman's face. TOM: Making George Clooney marginally more attractive. > Batman tumbles forward. > >108 Freeze raises his gun. Another figure leaps in from the > hallway, going for Freeze. Robin. MIKE: Hey, now Robin's(tm) going for Freeze(tm)! Evolving relationships here . . . > >109 Freeze FIRES, turning the boy into a frozen sculpture of > ice. He plucks the diamond from his icy hand. > >109A EXT. CROSS SECTION OF GOTHAM CITY-VFX > > A schematic map of Gotham. Freeze's vehicle burrows > underneath the city, freezing the firmament in its path CROW: Firmament? Firmament? That's SKY you moron! > and clearing away the debris, heading towards the boiler > room. > >110 INT. BOILER ROOM > > (OVER) a RUMBLING. TOM: I think I need more time to get over the Rumbling. CROW: Tom, the only way over the Rumbling is through it. > Suddenly the wall EXPLODES. Freeze's > drilling truck appears in the clearing smoke. > >111 FREEZE > Can you be cold, Batman? You have > eleven minutes to thaw the bird. > What will you do, chase the villain > or save the boy? MIKE : Frankly, I'd rather chase the boy and save the villain! > > Freeze leaps onto the giant vehicle. TOM: What is it with sizes in this thing! CROW: It's about the gear. TOM: Oh, I forgot. > > FREEZE > Your emotions make you weak. That is > why this day is mine. > (smile) > Stay cool, bats. > >112 And Freeze is gone, sealing the tunnel hole after him > with a blast of ice, clearing the frosted pane to wave > goodbye. MIKE: Probably with one finger. > >113 Batman moves fast to the boy wonder, touches his frozen > skin. ALL: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh! > He whips out his bat-laser, points at the icy > reservoir and FIRES. > >114 THE RESERVOIR - CLOSE. The frozen water melts, begins to > SIMMER. > >115 The caped crusader immerses Robin in the steaming sea. MIKE: He's a Baptist! : Do you renounce the Joker and all his works! >115A Under the water, the boy's face is perfectly still. > >116 A long beat. Then Robin's head breaks the surface. > COUGHING. Alive TOM: Unfortunately the rest of him is dead. MIKE: Makes me wonder what happened to poor old Jan after we became pure energy. > > ROBIN > Did we get him? > >117 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN RAIN FOREST - NIGHT CROW: Exterior of the South American Rain Forest? Where is this, Mexico? TOM: Jeez, welcome to Movie II. > > (OVER) THUNDER. Lighting flashes on a maze of tends and > tarpaulins affixed to the ruins of a decaying PRISON MORTE. MIKE: Then lightning closes its trenchcoat. > A "FOR SALE OR LEASE" sign is illuminated by the storm. > > SCREEN READS - Meanwhile, somewhere in the South American > Jungle... CROW: We search for a more interesting plot. > >118 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB - NIGHT > > Bunsen Burners flicker. Beakers BUBBLE. ALL MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee > Martha Stewart > does Fankenstein. MIKE: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! TOM: Woah, you won't see THAT on Spice! > > PAMELA ISLEY, lovely features hidden by a glasses and bad > hair, shape obscured by her lab coat, TALKS into a > cylindrical micro-recorder. MIKE : Diane . . . > > PAMELA > I still have high hopes for the > animal plant cross-breedings TOM : But the plants will just not go out with me! MIKE: You know, she used to practice animal husbandry - until they caught her at it . . . > > Pam surveys the two lab tables. One table is a mass of plants. > The other is covered with tanks of spiders, snakes and > scorpions. Tubes run from the lethal beasts into a jar of > milky fluid labeled VENOM. TOM: Generic venom. Cheaper than regular venom. > More tubes run from the Venom > jar into the plants. One plant twitches as it receives the > toxins. MIKE: Oh, yeah, gimme some more, gimme some more Huggy Bear . . . TOM: This may just be me, but I think it's wrong to teach plants to shoot up. > > PAMELA > If I can only find the correct dose > of Venom, these plants will be able > to fight back like animals. TOM: By polluting the environment and decimating the ecosphere! > I will > have given flora a chance against > the thoughtless ravages of man. MIKE: Yet we have no protection from the thoughtless ravages of this script . . . > > (OVER) An agonized SCREAM. TOM: The audience realizes what it paid to see. > Terrified, Pam walks towards > the source of the WAILS, a gothic prison door to which the > tent is affixed. The portal is marked: PROJECT GILGAMESH. TOM: And PROJECT LUSCIOUS JACKSON. > > PAMELA > Personal note: my work would proceed > faster if Dr. Woodrue weren't always > whisking my Venom samples back to > his mysterious Gilgamesh Wing. Why > won't he let me into his lab? MIKE: His lab has a "No Girls Allowed" sign like the Little Rascals. > > (OVER) Another blood-curdling SCREAM. Pam turns off the > recorder. TOM: By showing it Molly Sugden naked. > > PAM > What is he doing in there? > >119 Just then the door opens, a startled Pam dropping her > recorder as lightning flashes and DOCTOR JASON WOODRUE > ENTERS. Einstein's hair. Manson's eyes. TOM: Oppenheimer's belly. > > WOODRUE > Dr. Isley, loveliest flower in our > garden. How fare our little wards? MIKE: And our little Junes and our little Wallys? > > Woodrue moves in, too close, backing Pam against her > worktable, his face inches from hers. He spots the jar of > Venom. TOM: Got some bourbon? This stuff goes great with that! > > WOODRUE > What do we have here? A lovely new > supply of Venom. > (lifts the jar) > I'll just take this to my laboratory > for further study. > > PAMELA > What exactly are you working on in > there? What are those screams? > > A bright flash of lightning. CROW: Which, unfortunately, didn't strike the writer. > Woodrune advances on Pam. TOM: Geez, by now he's behind her. > > WOODRUE > How I'd love to share my secrets with > you. But I ask you, sweet sapling, TOM: Oh, my little ragweed of joy. MIKE: This guy has all the romantic skill of Earthworm Jim . . . > can you be trusted? You refuse my > invitations to dine. You hide your > honeyed buds behind these sallow robes. ALL: Eeeeeewwwww! > > (OVER) More lightning and ever more deafening THUNDER. TOM: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder . . . ah, forget it. > > WOODRUE > Ah, but there's romance in the air > tonight. Perhaps a moonlit stroll in > the jungle. And then, later, in the > dark, we can share everything. TOM: Will you guys mind if I throw up? MIKE: No, just warn us so we can join in > > Woodrue has her up against the wall, his twitching lips > only inches from hers. Pam winces, manages to step away. > (OVER) another SCREAM. MIKE: With Drew Barrymore. > > PAMELA > You have to tell me what you're > doing with my Venom. MIKE: Pam, maybe we don't want to find out. CROW: Yeah, Pam, some things go better unsaid. > > WOODRUE > (nasty) TOM: Nasty as he wants to be - which is PLENTY in this case. > You must show me your secrets, > blossom, before I show you mine. CROW: Oh, yuck, now he's hitting on Blossom! > >120 Pam watches him leave. As the door to the Gilgamesh wing > swings closed, Pam kicks her fallen recorder, the metal > cylinder rolling between door and jamb, keeping the > entrance from sealing. > >121 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH SECTION - WALKING > > Pam steals through the crumbling hallway of the abandoned > prison following the SCREAMS (OVER) as they grow ever > LOUDER. TOM : That poor audience, I must save them from my film . . > >122 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH CHAMBER > > Banks of flashing SuperCrays. A gurney is surrounded by > SPARKING and HUMMING equipment. Frankestein meets > Frankenstien. TOM: In a battle to save Frankenstein from the Amazing Rando! > > Woodrue emerges from the shadows, a portable phone in > hand. > > WOODRUE > Ladies and gentlemen of the > un-United Nations. > (into the phone) > And our mystery bidder. TOM: Who is busy draining his mystery bladder, but will be with us shortly. > >123 Pull BACK TO REVEAL > > A small bridge arcs over the room. AN AMERICAN GENERAL, > A RUSSIAN COMMISSAR, A SHEIK, and A DICTATOR all watch on > from above. TOM: Where do you get a generic Dictator? CROW: Sams club. > > WOODRUE > I give you the future of military > conquest. MIKE: This script! > > A scrawny PRISONER in a too-large tank suit is dragged > into the room by several gun-toting CAPOS and shackled to > the gurney. His bald skull is adorned with three > surgically implanted ducts. MIKE AND TOM: Quack, quack . . . CROW: He wrote "ducts" guys. > > WOODRUE > May I present Antonio Diego, serial > murderer serving life in prison and > sole surviving volunteer. TOM: He killed Snap, Crackle, and Pop! > > Diego SPITS. > > WOODRUE > And what a charmer he is. MIKE: I hope this doesn't have a swimsuit competition. > >124 WIDER. Pam slips in, unseen, hides behind a stack of > circuit boxes, watching on as Woodrue lifts the jar of > milky Venom. TOM: It was a very good hour . . . > > WOODRUE > The super solder serum, MIKE: Let's hope Marvel forgets this . . . > code named > Venom, patent pending of course. > > Woodrue pours the venom into a high-tech injector pack > strapped to the back of the gurney. TOM: So easy a child can use it! > He lifts an open-front > black and white mask attached by snaking tubes to the > injector pack. > > WOODRUE > Notice the hassle free zipper. TOM: And the one on my pants . . . > > He pulls the oversized mask over Diego's head, tubes fitting > into the ducts in his skull, zips the fabric closed over his > face. CROW: Do we have ENOUGH bondage themes yet? > > WOODRUE > (lifts a remote) TOM: Who wants to watch wrestling from Thailand? > Time to scream. ALL: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! !! > > He hits a control stud TOM: Named "Thad." > on the remote. The injector pack > begins PUMPING the milky Venom into Diego's skull. Diego > SCREAMS. TOM: Oh, he didn't mean us. > >125 Something strange happens to the prisoner. MIKE: He outsmarts Number Two and escapes! > His chest > begins to enlarge. His neck becomes thick. his forearms grow. MIKE: He's turning into "El Santo!" > > WOODRUE > Behold, the ideal killing machine. I > call this little number...Bane. Bane > of humanity. Imagine it, your own > personal army made up of thousands > of these super soldiers. Bidding > begins at a mere 10 million. MIKE: Ten million what? > > Woodrue ups the Venom flow. Impossibly the prisoner grows > larger. Arm and leg shackles SNAP. Bane lurches for the > Venom pump, SMASHING consoles, SPARKING components raining > down around Pam. CROW: But they won't stick if it's Pam! > > PAM SCREAMS. > > As Capos rush to subdue Bane, Woodrue strides to the dazed > Pam. > > WOODRUE > Welcome to my parlor. MIKE: Said the psycho to the Flygirl . . . TOM: Nicely done! MIKE: Thank you. It keeps my mind off the need I feel to kill myself! > >126 INT. CORRIDOR - WALKING CROW: The entire corridor is walking? What is it, the corridor of Baba Yaga? MIKE: Maybe it's the earlier one. > > Woodrue is escorting a nervous Pam back towards her lab. > > WOODRUE > ...Our original sponsor had no > stomach for military applications. > he cut the funding for our work - TOM: And the audience has no stomach for this film . . . > > PAMELA > Our work? MIKE: Woah. HR really wiffed it with Pam here, didn't they? > > WOODRUE > Without your research, I could never > have come this far. Join me. The two > of us, entwined, side by side... MIKE : Never has heterosexuality been this unappealing. > > They have arrived at Pam's workshop. Woodrue opens the > door. > >127 INT. PAMELA'S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS CROW: Continuous. So the rest of the film will be in here? > > PAMELA > Join you? I've spent my life trying > to protect plants from extinction > and now you corrupt my research into > some maniacal scheme for world > domination. TOM : What are we going to do tonight, Pamela? > When I get through you > won't be able to get a job teaching > high school chemistry, do you hear > me, you psycho? TOM : Huh? Did you say something. > > WOODRUE > Well, I can respect your opinion. MIKE: But not your taste in clothes. > > Woodrue shoves Pam viciously backwards into the inter- > connected tables, plants and poisonous beasts raining > down on top of her. TOM : It's raining snakes! > > WOODRUE > Sadly, I'm not good at rejection. MIKE: Or acting, or finance, or calculus. > > Woodrue begins pulling shelves of cages and BUBBLING > beakers ALL MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee CRASHING down atop the struggling Pam, burying her > and all her specimens entirely. MIKE: Ewwww! TOM: Looks like Pam's buried in her work! Bada-bing! > > WOODRUE > I'm afraid you'll have to die. MIKE : Do you expect me to act? No, Miss Isley, I expect you to die! > >128 WOODRUE - CLOSE. Smiles as the SOUNDS of Pam's struggle > are finally silenced. He turns, heading back into the > hallway. > > WOODRUE > (loud) > Fellow maniacs, bidding begins! MIKE: I wonder if 10,000 maniacs will be bidding? > >129 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > Bruce stands with Dick ALL > , now wrapped in a blanket ALL > , steaming > mug in hand, ALL > watching the main monitor. ALL CROW: It's the new breakfast treat, Dicks in a blanket! > > BRUCE > Gotham University Labs. Security > video. Two years ago. TOM: Could you get one? > >130 SCREEN - CLOSE. The image of a dazzling hi-tech lab- > oratory. A beautiful young woman (NORA FRIES) lays on > a gurney. TOM: You want Fries with that? Bada-bing! > A SCIENTIST works a bank of controls over a > SMOKING vat of cryonic solution. Handsome, the intense > gaze of genius, the man Freeze once was. TOM: Before Schwarzenegger played him, you mean. MIKE: That's pretty low, Tom.