> > BRUCE > Dr. Victor Fries Two time Olympic > Decathelete. Nobel Prize winner in > molecular biology. CROW: Denture wearer. > After his wife > contracted a rare disease, McGregor's > Syndrome, TOM: Which you get from standing too near a plot device. > he hoped to freeze her in > cryogenic sleep until he could > discover a cure. Here's where > everything goes north. MIKE: Oh, very sensitive, Brucie-poo! > > Alarms flash. A panel EXPLODES. TOM: He shouldn't have used the spare panels off of the Star Trek set. > Fries is BLOWN into the > vat of cryogenic solution. > > BRUCE > That liquid is fifty below. MIKE: Wholesale! > > Fries SCREEAMS, engulfed in the mists of the cryonic > solution, his skin now frozen, bluish, his hair brittle, > all but gone. > > DICK > That's gotta hurt. TOM: No, it gives one a feeling of soothing relief. OF COURSE IT HURTS YOU MORON! > > BRUCE > Somehow he survived. But the > cryoslution mutated his body. MIKE: You think!?!?!?! > >131 The display shows a turning schematic of Fries. TOM : And now a display of Mr. Freeze's(tm) naughty bits . . > > DICK > What happened to his wife? CROW: Like he cares. TOM: She settled down with Captain Cold after the Flash beat him once too much. > > BRUCE > Presumed dead. No one knows. > > The display now shows a turning Mr. Freeze. Compartments > in both suit sleeves are highlighted, flashing diamond > shapes within. TOM: And clubs on his ankles. > > BRUCE > He needs extreme cold to survive. > His cryo-suit uses diamond enhanced > lasers to keep him at zero degrees. TOM: . . . of Kevin Bacon. MIKE: Lasers? Oh, that's effective for creating cooling. > > DICK > Let me get this straight. CROW: Good luck . . . > A > brilliant citizen, TOM: Or Mr. Freeze(tm). > disfigured by a > horrible accident, re-emerges as a > psychotic super-villain bent on > theft, revenge and destruction. > You see a pattern here? MIKE: Only that we did this last film. > > BRUCE < Maybe it's something in the water. > > Bruce returns Dick's smile. TOM: Here, you dropped this. > > BRUCE > Well, if it's ice the iceman > wants...Alfred! > >132 INT. COSTUME VALUT - CONTINUOUS > > Alfred stands near the costumes, TOM: Becoming Butlerman! > clutching a console, a > man in intense pain. MIKE: He saw the film too. > He lets the wave subside, regains his > composure. > >133 INT. BATCAVE - CONTINUOUS > > Alfred emerges as if nothing were wrong. MIKE: But he read the script, so he's faking it! > > BRUCE > I need the Wayne Diamonds. CROW: He's going for the family jewels! > > DICK > We gonna trap ourselves a snowman? TOM : No, build one, it's called art therapy! > > BRUCE > Absolutely. Just as soon as you take > ten hours training in the simulator. TOM: So THAT'S what he calls it. > > DICK > Woah, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. > Don't go all protective on me. It > won't happen again. > > BRUCE > Dick, you were reckless. You could > have been killed. MIKE: And Bruce could have been what, mildly wounded. > > DICK > I'm fine. See. Me. here. Alive. MIKE: Dick alive. Jane alive. Spot alive. > How are we gonna work together if > you're never going to trust me? > > ALFRED > How, indeed? > > Bruce stares at the two of them. He smiles a wry smile. > > BRUCE > When did I become the bad guy? TOM: When you replaced Val Kilmer, but I kind of blame Frank Miller as well. > >134 INT. BACK STAIRCASE - WALKING > > Bruce and Alfred travel the winding stair that leads from > the Batcave to the top of the house. MIKE: The entrance changes with each actor . . . > > BRUCE > He's over-eager, impulsive. I can't > trust him not to get hurt. > > ALFRED > Perhaps the truth is you don't > really trust anyone. MIKE: Perhaps you're plotting against me Alfred! > > BRUCE > Don't tell me you're on his side. > Again. TOM : Again! > > ALFRED > Despite all your talents, you > are still a novice in the ways of family. CROW: With a capital 'F' > Dick follows the same ends as you ALL > but > gets there by his own course. You > must learn to trust him. For that > is the nature of family. MIKE: They have said more in one paragraph . . . > > They step through a doorway into... > >135 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS MIKE: The stairway to the Batcave goes to Alfred's bedroom. TOM : Sorry Alfred, sorry whoever you are! Just heading for the Batcave! > > BRUCE > I trust you, Alfred. > > Alfred seems oddly pained by Bruce's words. > > ALFRED > But I shan't be here forever. MIKE : If I'm lucky. > > Bruce stares at Alfred a beat. But Alfred just smiles. > > ALFRED > Good night, Master Bruce. MIKE : So this is it, I'm going to die. > >135A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - HALLWAY > > Bruce EXITS his butler's room. Looks to the end of the > hallway. > >135B A YOUNGER BRUCE, no older than ten comes racing around > the corner, trips, tumbling to the wooden floor. Another > figure steps out behind him. ALFRED, decades younger, MIKE: So only about 90 then. > kneels > by the boy, brushing off his knees, giving the boy comfort. TOM: Southern Comfort! CROW: Bruce is about twenty years younger, and Alfred is DECADES younger? > >135C BACK TO SCENE > > BRUCE - CLOSE. Blinks away the images from the past, CROW: Get away from me you pesky past! > only the > fragile ghosts of memory, moves off down the empty hallway. > >135D INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT TOM: ALFRED'S NICKLES - DAY. > > Alfred sit at his computer, activates the screen. he > lifts a CD, slips in into the disk drive, begins to TYPE. MIKE : Time to play "Porno Pirates From Pluto" CD-ROM interactive. > > COMPUTER > Override engaged. Copying protected > files. > > Alfred lifts a micro-recorder. > > ALFRED > Still unable to reach you. have > vital information you must see... MIKE : Bruce is so flipping deranged, Mr. Jung. > >136 SCREEN - CLOSE. The files Alfred is copying. Batmobile > design. Batsuit schematics. All downloading onto the small > disk. TOM: He's got one hell of a Zip drive! > >137 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN JUNGLE - PRISON MORTE - NIGHT > > A full moon shines over the hidden complex. TOM: Put your pants back on, Dr. Woodrue! > >138 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB > > Woodrue stands at Pam's workstation, TALKING on his > portable phone as he rifles through her research. MIKE: Pow! TOM: Blam! > > WOODRUE > Yes, sir, I'm so pleased you won the > bidding, Your Supreme Ruthlessness.. MIKE: Thank you Mr. Ming, or may I call you Merciless? > > (OVER) Bane SCREAMS in the distance. CROW: Thank you sir, may I have another? > > WOODRUE > We're making the final modifications > on Bane right now. TOM: You wanted the eight-track tape player, right? > We'll have a > thousand super soldiers out to you > tomorrow by overnight mail... > >139 He hangs up. HOLD on a patch of ivy in the b.g. Perfectly > still. Suddenly the leaves RUSTLE, as if being moved from > beneath. MIKE: Because they probably are . . . > > Woodrue turns as a figure BURSTS, fast, from beneath the > brush. TOM: Do not bring your evil here! Get out of the script! > > Magenta hair. Chlorophyll green eyes. Ravaged clothes > revealing the form and demeanor of a goddess. The woman > who was once Pamela Isley smiles, moves forward. TOM: It's Swamp Thang! > > WOODRUE > Dr. Isley? Pamela? You look great. > Especially for a dead woman. MIKE : I prefer them dead, you know . . . > > PAMELA > Hello, Jason. I think I've had a > change of heart. > > Her lips glisten. She leans in and kisses him. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! MIKE: So whatever happened to her reduced her sense of taste . . . > > PAMELA > Quite literally. I don't think I'm > human anymore. The animal-plant > toxins had a rather unique effect on > me. They replaced my blood with > alone, my skin with chlorophyll and > fill my lips with Venom. CROW: Exposition for fun and profit. TOM: So if you have sunburn, rub Uma Thurman over your body. MIKE: That'd make ME feel better. > > Woodrue begins to CHOKE. He falls, clutching his throat. > > PAMELA > Oh, and Jason? One other thing. > Silly me, I probably should have > mentioned this earlier. I'm poison. > (shrugs) > It's a jungle in here. > >140 Pam spills beakers of chemicals onto the floor. ALL MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee > She > throws a Bunsen burner to the ground, the lab suddenly in > flames. > > PAMELA > Let the flames touch the sky. MIKE: 'Scuse me while I touch the sky! > For I > am nature's arm, her spirit, her > will. TOM: Her toenails. CROW: Her buttocks. MIKE: Her left ankle. > Hell, I am mother nature. > The time has come for plants to take > back the world so rightfully ours. > Because it's not nice to fool with > mother nature. > > Something catches Pam's eye. MIKE: And rips it from the socket. > Pam lifts a broken beaker > On it, the Wanye Enterprises logo. (OVER) Bane SCREAMS > in the distance. > > PAMELA > Coming, Bane darling. We've got a > plane to catch. > >141 EXT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT CROW : Mmmmmmmmmm. Ice cream! > > An abandoned ice cream factory built in the shape of a > snowman's face, a dripping cone stuck onto the giant > snowball head. TOM: They offed Frosty! > >142 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > > Abandoned. Always freezing. Ice sculpture everywhere. > Freeze walks the bowels of the old factory. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! TOM: Wait, if he's here, it's not abandoned! MIKE: Where do they get the electricity? Or is Gotham(tm) Electric REALLY incompetent? > > ICEMEN in parkas and SNOW BUNNIES eat frozen dinners, > GUFFAWING as they watch TV. The SEXIEST BUNNY sidles up > to Freeze. MIKE: She's the sexiest bunny of them all. TOM AND CROW: Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwww! > > BUNNY > Freezy, I'm feeling...hot. MIKE: Down, Thumper, down! > > FREEZE > I find that unlikely. > > BUNNY > Okay, my hair is brittle, my skin > is dry and I don't care. I'd > weather blizzards to have you. > You're the most perfect man I've > ever known. MIKE: What standards does this woman use?!?! > > FREEZE > To be frozen. To never change. A > life of perpetual ice-olation. > There is little perfection in that. > > BUNNY > (pushing closer) > What say we turn up the heat? MIKE: What say we turn up the writing? > > FREEZE > You're skating on thin ice. My > passion thaws for my bride alone. > > BUNNY > Forget your frosty femme. These lips > are wet and ready to get frostbite. ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww! > > FREEZE > Hop away little bunny. Before I > cool your jets. Permanently. > > The Bunny storms off. TOM: What's wrong with this picture? MIKE: Everything, Tom, everything! > > FREEZE > I wonder how cold I can get my > shower...Frosty! > > Freeze's faithful aide, FROSTY, appears by his side. TOM: Happy Birthday! > > FREEZE > Everyone is always having a good > time. Except me. MIKE: And the audience. > Try as I might, > can find no pleasure. TOM: We can relate. > Perhaps my > heart truly has turned to ice. > >143 Freeze lifts his gun and FIRES, freezing Frosty solid. > > FREEZE > Well, that was fun. There's hope for > me yet. MIKE: No there's not. > >143A Freeze stares at his frozen aide a beat, changes the > setting on his gun and FIRES, a THAWING BEAM melting > Frosty so he stands now, soaked and dripping like a wet cat. CROW: Meow! > >143B Freeze turns on his heel. Frosty follows him past > mounting files of research. Scrawled schematics An icy > workshop. MIKE: Where he makes toys for all the bad little girls and boys. > > FREEZE > Do you think I'm mad, Frosty? TOM : I think you're pissed. > > FROSTY > (wringing out his sleeves) > That's really a judgment call, boss. TOM: I vote mad. CROW: Me to. MIKE: And me. > >144 OMITTED > >145 A flashing display on his suit watch reads LOW POWER. > > FREEZE > Battling the bat exhausted my power. > > From a safe, Freeze takes three small diamonds, MIKE: Two turtledoves. TOM AND CROW: And a partridge in a pear tree. > place > them in the suit compartment. His power levels spike to > normal. TOM: In the end zone! > > FREEZE > But I was successful nevertheless. > >146 Freeze continues to a pedestal atop which sits a machine > powered by two giant diamonds. CROW: Powered? Are they running on a treadmill? > Slots for two more diamonds > are empty. He removes the giant stolen diamond from within > his tunic, place the gem in an empty third slot. > > FREEZE > One more giant diamond of this size > and my freezing cannon will be > complete. MIKE: Sure it will. > I will hold Gotham ransom. > Unless the city bows to my demands, > it's winter forever here in goat-town. CROW: And never Christmas. TOM: Goat town? > The city fathers will have no choice > but to give me the billions I need > to complete my research, CROW: What does he know about city finances? > to find the > cure for... TOM: The movie. > >146 Freeze has come to a frozen wall. MIKE: And so has the plot. > > FREEZE > Leave us. We need quality time. > >147 OMITTED > >148 As Frosty EXITS in the b.g., Freeze enters a walk-in > freezer, lifts a frozen dinner box. A SECRET VAULT opens. > Freezes steps into... TOM: Gomez Adam's vault! CROW: Babushka! > >148A INT. FREEZE'S SUBTERRANEAN COLD VAULT > > Within, a computerized glacier-like sarcophagus bears his > frozen wife, a snowflake pendant around her neck. MIKE: I hope she's wearing more - unless she looks like Maria Shriver! > > FREEZE > (touches the glass) > Soon we will be together once more. > > Freeze turns towards his research, heading back to work. > > FREEZE > Nothing frustrates a man like a > frigid wife. MIKE: Funny. Ha. TOM: Come on, let's take a break. [THEY EXIT] [BRIDGE OF SOL. MIKE, CROW, AND TOM ENTER] MIKE: CROW: TOM: MIKE: CROW: MIKE and CROW: MIKE: TOM: MIKE and TOM: TOM: CROW: TOM and CROW: ALL: [MOVIE SIGN LIGHTS FLASH. THE CREW DEJECTEDLY HEADS FOR THE THEATER] [SOL THEATER. MIKE AND COMPANY SLOUCH INTO THE THEATER] > >149 INT. LIMBO - NIGHT CROW: Limbo, limbo, limbo! > > Robin is fighting Mr. Freeze and his cronies. Robin > delivers a fast set of spinning kicks to the Thugs, > felling them like toys. MIKE: Unfortunately, Weebles, so they pop back up! > >150 A Thug carrying a large diamond breaks free, racing away. TOM: Thugs in "Breaking Away!" > Robin leaps for the escaping Thug, putting his back to > Freeze. > >151 Freeze raises his joined fists high above Robin's head, > coming down fast. Robin is done for. CROW: We should hope . . . > >152 Suddenly Batman swing out of the dark, MIKE: And out of the closet. > his boots flying > into Freeze's chest, TOM: Barefooted, he skids into a corner. > sending the villain hard to the > ground. > >153 Batman drops to Freeze's chest, HAMMERS a series of > punches into his tunic, rendering him unconscious. TOM: So Batman(tm) knocked himself unconscious? Did he hit Freeze(tm) with his head? > Batman > looks up at Robin. > >154 BATMAN > We'll be starting again now. MIKE: So just keep dancing . . . > >155 Just then Freeze's hand shoots up, grabbing Batman by the > throat. > >156 BATMAN > Pause virtual reality simulation. > > PUSH IN as Batman reaches towards his cowl. SCREEN WIPES > TO REVEAL... TOM: The writer, going "Ahhhh, I'll just do this." > >157 BRUCE WAYNE - CLOSE. Pulls off a pair of VR goggles. CROW: My gosh, Bruce Wayne is Batman(tm)! TOM: Oh, and I thought it was Billy Batson(tm)! > > WIDER CROW: Bigger! TOM: Smaller! MIKE: Patheticer . . . > > Bruce and Dick, also in VR goggles, stand on an empty > platform in the back of the Batcave. > > DICK > I got the diamond. Quell problemo, Bruce? MIKE : Oh, Dicky, you spoke Spanish . . . > > BRUCE > You left your back wide open. MIKE: Uh-huh. > Freeze > could have killed you. TOM : If I was lucky . . . > >158 Dick demonstrates a spinning back kick that would have > dropped Freeze in his tracks. > > DICK > I had it covered. CROW: Good. You were in public. > > (OVER) A doorbell RINGS. MIKE: Arhkam calling! > > DICK > You know, in the circus, The Flying > Graysons were a team. We had to > trust each other. We had to count > on each person to do his part. That's > what being partners is all about. TOM: That's how come they all died at the same time. > (loud) > End simulation. MIKE: The movie is over! > >159 Ambient lights come up in the cave. CROW: Followed by ambient music! > >160 DICK > Sometimes counting on someone else > is the only way to win. > > (OVER) the doorbell RINGS again. MIKE: Arhkam calling!!!!! > > DICK > (puzzled) > Where's Al? TOM: Talking to Sam. > > Dick heads for the door. > > BRUCE > (following) > Couldn't we just for once pretend > that I'm the teacher and you're the > student? TOM: No, you wanted to play Civil War Veteran and Southern Belle! > >162 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER - AFTERNOON > > Columns of dancing sunlight fill the giant entryway. Dick > goes to the front door as Bruce meets Alfred emerging in > the b.g. > > ALFRED > I must have dozed off. My sincerest > apologies, sir. CROW: I was reading the script, I couldn't help myself. > > BRUCE > No apology necessary. That's the > first time in thirty years. MIKE: I don't think it's our dirty minds here guys, this is all pretty sick . . . > > Bruce smiles, but he can't take his eyes off Alfred. TOM: He looks great for his age. > The > butler seems pale, older than usual. TOM : Miss Kyle dropped by, I put on the cowl and pretended . . . > > DICK > Mystery pizza delivery? ALL: No, Mystery Science Theater! > >163 Dick opens the door. A young girl stands in the autumn > light, beautiful, dressed in prim, schoolgirl clothes, TOM: Moon Prism Power Activate! CROW: Tom, don't ever scare me like that again. MIKE: Yeah, at this rate I'm surprised they haven't brought in batgirl. > BARBARA WILSON. MIKE: Yaaaah!!!! TOM: Nice call, Mike. Forgot Alicia Silverstone was in this turkey, dind'cha? MIKE: Wilson? What happened to Gordon?! > > DICK > Please be looking for me. CROW: There aren't many good lines, but he's got them. > > BARBARA > I'm so sorry to trouble you, but- TOM: Can I use my precocious martial arts skills and the fact that I look good in leather to fight crime?