> > That's when the girl sports Alfred. The old man's eyes > widen. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred? > >164 Barbara rushes in, past Dick and Bruce, into the old > butler's arms. he holds her close. Bruce and Dick face > each other. CROW: With a wonderful, passionate, kiss! > > BRUCE & DICK > (mouthing) > Uncle? MIKE: I'm calling Uncle too! > >165 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE GARDENS - AFTERNOON - WALKING TOM: Now it's the gardens of Baba Yaga . . . > Bruce, Alfred, Dick, and Barbara tour. MIKE: Live with Motorhead, The Pet Shop Boys, and the Moody Blues! > > BARBARA > How long has it been, Uncle Alfred? CROW: That's an awful damn personal question! > > ALFRED > Ten years. > (to Bruce) > Barbara isn't really me niece, sir. TOM : She's my nephew. I'm afraid there's quite a bit of explaining involved there, sir. > She's Joanna Clark's daughter. > > BRUCE > Of course. Alfred still keeps your > mother's picture in his room. CROW: Taped on an inflatable dummy. > > DICK > Anybody want to tell us kids in the > cheap seats who Joanna Clark is? > > ALFRED > Joanna and I were in love in London. > But when I realized our age difference > was too extreme - MIKE: She was five, I was forty . . . CROW: He works for Roman Polanski. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred left for America. Much > to my mother's dismay - > > ALFRED > Eventually she married a young > physician. TOM: Who cured her of the syphilis I gave her! > >166 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE - STABLES - WALKING - CONTINUOUS TOM: More walking stables. MIKE: Baba Yaga gets around! > > DICK > Al's main squeeze. Is she here? > (off everyone's looks) > I'm about to scrape the bottom of my > shoe off my tongue, right? TOM : Not now, not in front of Barbara! > > BARBARA > My parents were killed in an auto > accident ten years ago. Alfred has > been supporting me ever since. > > BRUCE > You have? TOM : I pretend to be a bra, sir. > > ALFRED > Secrets are a virtual prerequisite > in this house, don't you think? TOM : Not like that nice Kent couple, they'd never keep anything from anybody. And that Wally West boy, so nice, and Kyle, why he's as nice as that charming John Jones fellow! > > BARBARA > I'm on break from- > > BRUCE > Oxbridge Academy? > > BARBARA > Their new computer sciences > division. How did you know? > > BRUCE > I recognized the accent. CROW: So every college has its own accent now? > >167 They have come to the garage. A motorcycle sits out > front. TOM: Most people just have lawn gnomes, Bruce. > > BARBARA > What is it? It's beautiful. > > The way the sun catches Barbara, she looks like an angel. TOM: Specifically, Zauriel. > > DICK > You can say that again. > (catching himself) CROW: Oh, he does that a lot. > > It's a competition racer I've been > fixing up. Maybe one day I'll show > you how to ride. MIKE: It's the only thing remotely close to continuity in this series of films, so we're quite proud of it. > ALFRED > You certainly will not. TOM : You will not ride the continuity, Mr. Grayson! > > BARBARA > Oh no, those things frighten me. MIKE: And so does the motorcycle . . . > > BRUCE > Well, I hope you'll stay with us. > > ALFRED > There's a lovely inn just down -- CROW: My pants! Whoops! Sorry! > > BARBARA > All this luxury really isn't my > style but- > (still eyeing the bike) > I'd love to stay. > > BRUE > Then it's settled. > > ALFRED > Oh, but, sir. So much goes on- > > BRUCE > Don't be silly, Alfred. > After all, she's family. TOM: Too late for that, everything went goofy with the skyboarding sequence in scene 81. > >168/69 OMITTED > >170 EXT. GOTHAM AIRPORT - TARMAC _ NIGHT > > A vintage DC-3 steams on the runway. Pilots descend the > gangway. TOM: Steam powered? That IS vintage! > > Pamela Isley, dressed as a grieving window, supervises the > LUGGAGE HANDLERS' debarkation of a coffin. An immense > coffin. CROW: A bright, big, shiny, candy-like coffin! > > PAMELA > Be gentle. He's always been touchy. > > HANDLER > Whatever you say, lady. > > Pam watches the Handlers carry the coffin away. She turns, > walks off across the tarmac. > >171 FAVOR THE BAGGAGE HANDLERS TOM: Cause they've only got one scene. > as they bear the coffin to the > terminal. > > HANDLER > (imitating Pam) > He's always been touchy. Right. > >172 A GIANT FIST CRASHES through the splintering lid. The > Handlers drop the coffin as a figure emerges. TOM: George Romero's Evil and Annoying Dead! > Bane, > wearing his full costume, his injector pack strapped to > his back. > > Bane lifts a Handler, begins swinging him like a baseball > bat, sending the other Handlers flying. CROW: Oh, HE'S Batman(tm) now! > >173 EXT. AIRPORT - TARMAC > > A LIMOUSINE sits at the edge of the runway. A lone > BUSINESSMAN approaches the waiting car. The DRIVER smiles, > opens the door. he Businessman climbs in to find... > >174 INT. LIMO - NIGHT > > Pam sits sprawled on the back seat, showing no small bit > of leg. TOM : She's a saucy bit o' crumpet, ain't she! > > BUSINESSMAN > There must be some mistake -- MIKE: Funny, I was thinking the same thing . . . > > PAMELA > Silly darling, there's no need to > pretend in front of the driver. > > She grabs his face kisses him passionately. She lets go, > the Businessman slumps to the seat. Dead. TOM: Darn! The one character without snappy one liners or moronic innuendo in his dialog is dead. > > PAMELA > Love hurts. In my case it kills. CROW: You can take penicillin for that. > >175 THE REARVIEW MIRROR MIKE: With Christopher Reeve. > >176 The limo driver watches on. Suddenly a hand reaches in > SNAPPING his neck, drags out his body. Bane climbs into > the driver's seat. > > PAMELA > Once around the park. > >177 INT. ALFRED'S ROOM > > The door is ajar. CROW: I'll just leave this one alone. > (OVER) a gentle KNOCK. Barbara pushes > inside, wearing a long terry robe. CROW: Lucky Terry! > > The room is empty. She notices a pile of envelopes on the > desk. TOM: You may already be a winner! > > ENVELOPES - CLOSE. All addressed to Wilfred Pennyworth. > Royal Court of Mirajanpore. All stamped RETURN TO SENDER. ALL : Return to sender! > > ALFRED (OVER) > I didn't know sneaking around was on > the curriculum at Oxbridge. > > Barbara starts, TOM: Barbara revs, Barbara roars! > turns. Alfred steps from the shadows in > his robe. TOM: So Alfred is now nude but the shadows are fully clothed. > > BARBARA > I'm sorry, Uncle, I came to tuck you > in. And... ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww! > > ALFRED > You came to tuck me in. That's quite > a switch. TOM : But so am I. > (off the envelopes) > I am looking for my brother, Wilfred. > He is first butler to the Maharajah > of Mirajanpore. But Mirajanpore is a > floating court, it travels across > India, so Wilfred can be rather > difficult to find. MIKE: Despite the fact that the NWO but a computer chip in his right buttock. > >178 Alfred TAPS his computer keyboard. MIKE: Damn it, Windows 95 locked up again! > >179 SCREEN - CLOSE. Full motion images of a resplendent royal > court, carried entirely on the back of elephants. > > BARBARA (OVER) > I guess they don't have fax machines > on elephants. > > ALFRED > I have been trying to reach Wilfred > with no success. As one grows older, > one years for family. CROW: With a lower-case 'f'. I've had PLENTY of the upper-case kind around here, I can tell you! > > BARBARA > (she smiles) > It's good to see you again, Uncle. > I've missed you. TOM: But my aim is improving. > > ALFRED > As I've missed you. > (kissing her head) > Sleep well, child. > > Barbara heads out, closing the door behind her. MIKE: Alfred takes a cold shower. > >180 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS > > Barbara walks to her room. She pauses, waiting for the > light under Alfred's door to go out. Then she disappears > inside. > >181 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS > > Barbara whips off her robe. ALL: Yes!!! > Underneath, a tight black > leather motorcycle outfit. ALL: Horay!!!! CROW: This is now a GREAT script! > She begins pulling on sleek > black boots. TOM: Put it on! Put it on! > >182 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT _ CONTINUOUS > > A knotted climbing rope tumbles out of one of the windows. TOM : Dick, get that back and put your gag back in! > A figure expertly descends into the courtyard below. > Turns, face now visible in the moonlight. Barbara. > >183 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS > > Kids collect Matchbox and Corgi. Billionaires collect the > real thing. Barbara ENTERS, cloaked in the shadows, moves > stealthfully past the myriad cards until she comes to the > row of motorcycles. TOM : Straight boys and dykes have all the fun in these films. MIKE AND CROW > > She stops at a sleek competition bike, climbs on, pulling a > racing helmet from her back-pack, expertly kick-starts the > ENGINE. TOM: This may be the wrong time to bring this up, but does Brucie-poo and the Boy Blunder have ANY form of security here at Stately Wayne Manor? >184 Barbara rides out through the open garage into the > night. CROW: Freudian symbolism or plot device? You be the judge. > >185 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT > > Freeze is standing at his computerized work-station, > entering data into the keyboard. MIKE: I bet if he entered the data into the COMPUTER he'd have cured his wife by now. > > FREEZE > Maybe this time, this new formula, > will return you to me. > > Freeze hits a switch. A beat. Then an ALERT panel flashes a > simple message: TEST FAILURE. MIKE: You are pregnant! > Freeze SLAMS the console with > his fist. TOM: It is now safe to turn your computer off. > > FOLLOW FREEZE as he rises, walks through the open door > into... CROW: If he'd gotten his Pentium chip replaced, he'd have solved the problem. > >185A INT. FREEZE'S VALUT - NIGHT > > Freeze stares up at his wife in her frozen sarcophagus, > fighting back the tears. TOM: I'm sorry, honey, I know this movie is terrible, but they offered me SO much money . . . > > FREEZE > No cure tonight, my love. Forgive > me. But soon, I promise you. Soon. > >186 INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY > > Morning. Bane drives. MIKE: Us crazy. > Ivy sits in the back seat, CROW: Also driving us crazy! > applying > brown contact lenses, donning a dark wig. Pamela Isley > once more. > > PAMELA > (to the Charlie jingle) > Kind of Hip, kind of Wow, Ivy. Kind > of Free, kind of Now, Ivy. CROW: Kind of bad, kind of sad. TOM AND MIKE: Ivy(tm)! > >187 EXT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - DAY _ESTABLISHING CROW: It's day. MIKE: I've established already that this observatory is gonna be some kind of plot device. > > A stone and copper observatory in the process of being > restored, set atop the banks above the Gotham River and > the city beyond. > >188 INT. OBSERVATORY > > An immense circular hall under construction. Within, a > partially installed telescope. Bruce stands flanked by > his stunningly beautiful date (JULIE MADISON) TOM: And his stunningly beautiful date Dick Grayson! > , a SCIENTIST > and his ASSOCIATE, all on a podium backed by blueprints, > facing the PRESS. > > BRUCE > My father once told me that to > succeed we need only pick our CROW: Noses. > > star and follow it. And so Wayne > Enterprises TOM AND CROW: Wayne Enterprises! Wayne Enterprises! Donate On! Excellent! > is donating the world's > most advanced telescope to Gotham's > Observatory Restoration Project. MIKE: G.O.R.P.? > Perhaps this telescope will give > future generations a chance to > find their own stars. CROW: As long as they're not George Clooney or Val Kilmer. > > GOSSIP GERTY > Brucy, is it true this new telescope > can see all around the globe? > > SCIENTIST > Yes, if you'll watch the monitors - TOM: Feels like the laws of physics are about to be mugged. > >189 A MONITOR BANK - CLOSE. A graphic of the earth. > Equidistant satellites in geosyncronous orbit are > highlighted. CROW: Plot point! Plot point! > > SCIENTIST > Satellites already in orbit allow us > to reflect light around the planet. > > ON SCREEN - A graphic ray of light CROW: This light is rated TV-M! > is reflected from a > satellite over Australia, to a satellite over the U.S., > and then beamed to a graphic of the Gotham-based telescope. > > ASSOCIATE > From here we'll be able to see the > sky anywhere on earth. MIKE : My God, it's a gigantic plot device disguised as an observatory. > > BRUCE > Just don't point it at my bedroom. ALL: > > GOSSIP GERTY > Brucy, you and the exquisite Julie > Madison have been going out forever. > Are you planning to tie the knot? TOM: No, handcuffs work just fine! Oh . . . > > BRUCE > Get married? me? No... MIKE: Not to anyone psychologically healthy OR female. > > JULIE > No!? > > BRUCE > Umm. What I mean is...no plans at > the moment... > > JULIE > But soon... > > GERTY > Soon? > > BRUCE > Ah...Sooner or later...all > relationships evolve and... > > JULIE > And? TOM : I live in a cave with a nubile, acrobatic teenage boy, OK! I admit it! Now get out of my hair! > > BRUCE > (to Julie) > Can I get some help over here? CROW: Too late for that. > > Julie smiles, turns to the PRESS. the very picture of > composure. > > JULIE > Bruce and I are lucky enough to be > recklessly in love. TOM: With Dick Grayson. > > And that is > most certainly enough for us. > (to Bruce) > For now. > > FOLKS LAUGH, charmed. > CROW: AUDIENCE LEAVES, revolted. > > SCIENTIST > Now, if you'll all follow me, I'll > show you the central control grid... > > The Scientist and Associate tour Julie MIKE: Woah! TOM: I don't think the author meant it to sound like that. MIKE: It's a shame when your mistakes are more interesting than your script. > and the Press around > the telescope, leaving Bruce to confer with two of his Aides. MIKE: No one say ANYTHING. > GUARD (OVER) > Mr. Wayne? > >190 WIDER > Pam, hair in a bun, TOM: Feet in special sauce. > face behind glasses, CROW: Ah, the Kent maneuver! > cloaked in a > frumpy suit, MIKE: Or suited in a frumpy cloak. > is standing behind two door GUARDS. > > GUARD > She doesn't have a pass, sir. > > BRUCE smiles, waves off the guards with a gesture. > > BRUCE > They're overly protective. You're > Not going to hurt me are you, Ms... CROW: Hurst. > > PAMELA > Dr. Pamela Isley. > > BRUCE > What can I do for you, Doctor? A > research grant? A hospital wing? MIKE: A guest appearance on ER with a certain sloe-eyed someone? > > PAMELA > Actually, I already work for you. > Or did. Your arboreal preservation > project in South America. TOM : Uh, did you . . . preserver . . . arboreal? > > BRUCE > We cut our support. A conflict of > ideologies. Dr. Woodrue was a lunatic. > > PAMELA > I see you knew him. TOM : Only biblically. > > BRUCE > That lab was consumed by fire last > week. how did you manage to escape? > > PAMELA > I have here a proposal showing how > Wayne Enterprises can immediately > cease all actions that toxify our > environment. TOM : Like this script. > > Bruce takes the proposal, scans it. Pam's eyes shine > despotic. CROW: Kind of despotic, kind of erotic. Ivy(tm). MIKE: Crow. Stop. > > PAMELA > Forget the stars. Look here, at the > Earth, our mother, our womb. She > deserves our loyalty and protection. > And yet you spoil her lands, poison > her oceans, blacken her skies. > You're killing her. TOM: Kinda makes you feel guilty for helping the apes nuke her, huh Mike? MIKE: Thanks Tom, thanks a lot. > > BRUCE > Your intentions are noble, but no > diesel fuel for heat. No coolants to > preserve food. Millions would die of > cold and hunger alone. CROW: We'll call it the Contract With America! > > PAMELA > Acceptable losses in a battle to save > the planet. > > BRUCE > People come first, Dr. Isley. TOM: So screw you nature! > >191 The tour has returned. Pam turns to the Press. > Begins to soapbox. MIKE: Another noun tragically mutated into a verb. I mourn you, soapbox. > > PAMELA > Mammals. So smug in your towers of > stone and glass. A day of reckoning > is coming. CROW: Duck! She's Shatnering! > The same plants and > flowers that saw you crawl blind > from the primordial soup will > reclaim this planet. Earth will > be a garden again. Somehow, some > way, I will bring your man-made > civilization to its knees and TOM: Make it bark like a dog. > > there will be no one to protect you. > > Pam's tirade is so extreme, folks around her LAUGH. MIKE: It's a real shame when your characters laugh at your writing. > > GOSSIP GERTY > You must be new in town. In Gotham > City, Batman and Robin protect us. > Even from plants and flowers. CROW: They like to press them and save them! > > BRUCE > Perhaps you'd like to meet them. > > Bruce nods and an Aide hands Pam an invitation. > >192 INVIATION - CLOSE. Batman and Robin to appear at the > Flower Ball. TOM: Down at the Blue Oyster! > > BRUCE > The caped crusaders are helping us > auction off a prized diamond to > raise money for the Gotham Botanical > Gardens. Just a few mammals doing > what we can for our world's plants. CROW: And so Mr. Freeze(tm) can steal it . . . whoops! > > GOSSIP GERTY > So, Brucy, will the delicious Ms. Madison > be your date for the flower ball tonight? TOM: The way she talks about Julie makes me wonder about Gossip Gerty here . . . > > PAMELA > Tell me, billionaire, would you warm > faster to my pleas if I looked more > like Ms. January here? > > BRUCE > Although the Wayne Foundation is > hosting the event, sadly I will be > unable to attend. Thank you all. > (to Pam) > Good day, Doctor. > > Pam watches him go, trailed by press. MIKE: Geez, he's got to weight-train more . . . > Peers at her invitation. > > PAMLA > Batman and Robin. Militant arm of > the warm-blooded oppressors. Animal > protectors of the status quo. First > I'll rid myself of the fur and > feathered pests. And then Gotham > will be mine for the greening. > >193 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > >194 Nora and Victor Fries kiss at their wedding altar. The >195 video images change to show the couple playing with a >196 puppy. Nora LAUGHS as her husband crowds beside her. TOM: Eating the puppy. > He > EXITS frame, hands her something. MIKE: The remains of the puppy. > > NORA > Oh, Victor, it's beautiful. > > Nora holds her snow-flake necklace up for the camera. > Places it around her neck, smiling up tot he warm summer > sun. > >197 PULL BACK TO REVEAL > > Freeze sits watching the images on his screen. TOM : Why are two robots and a man always in the lower right corner? > > FROSTY (OVER) > 'Scuse me, chief. I got something > her you might want to see. TOM : Zip it up, Frosty, it wasn't funny the last time. > >198 Frosty stands in the door, newspaper in hand. Without > shifting his gaze, Freeze lifts his freezing gun, FIRES. > Frosty Freezes. > > FREEZE > I hate it when people talk during > the movie. TOM: This is insidious! Next he'll suggest people head for the refreshment stand. > >199 Freeze continues staring at the screen. Finally the happy > images are just too much for him. He FIRES his gun at the > screen, the picture EXPLODING into flying shards of light. > > FREEZE > One more diamond, my love. One more. MIKE: But, sadly, Frosty can't hear him . . . > >200 Freeze rises. he breaks off the cover of the frozen paper >201 in Frosty's hand. PAPER-CLOSE. Wayne Donates Diamond to > Flower Ball. > >202 EXT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - NIGHT CROW: What happened to Frosty? He was the most richly developed character! > > An immense glass greenhouse set atop the roof of a mighty > skyscraper. Elegant guests mill admist the stars. >