> >321 INT. ARCKHAM ASYLUM - FREEZE'S CELL - NIGHT CROW: Still? TOM: This is the continuous night movie. > > Freeze stands within the anti-thermic field, CROW: Name change! Trek tech! Trek tech! > crafting a > tiny ice sculpture of his wife. He lifts the miniature > gearworks from an alarm clock, places the ice sculpture > atop of it, the statuette beginning to turn. He covers the > figure with a drinking glass. MIKE: So he won't be able to have a drink or know when to wake up? > > GUARD(OVER) > Hey Icehead, you got a visitor. CROW : That's Mr. Icehead to you, shorty. > >322 WIDER > > A GUARD stands by the door. MIKE: What a surprise. > > GUARD > You're sister's here to see you. TOM: It's Sister Act III, back in the Bat-habit again! > >323 FREEZE - CLOSE. Puzzled. > > FREEZE > (to himself) > Sister? > > The Second Guard ENTERS, followed by a woman in a cloak. > None other than Poison ivy. MIKE: Star of stage, screen, and sequels! CROW: What a surprise. This is like Saturday Night Live - they only have so many women to go around. MIKE: I hate it when that happens. > >324 INT. ARKHAM LOCK-UP - NIGHT > > A tiny basement room with a single barred window where > prisoner's effects are kept. Mannequins display familiar > costumes, Joker's, Riddler's, Freeze's. MIKE: Of course the Riddler's(tm) insane, and the Joker's(tm) dead, but they keep the Joker's(tm) costume around in case they want to dress up his corpse. > >325 A GUARD sits against the wall, watching TV. Suddenly two > fists SMASH through the cement wall TOM: And the cement pond . . . > and grab the chair, > wrenching the seated Guard through the wall in a storm of > dust. > > Bane ENTERS, walks to Freeze's suit. MIKE: Tries it on, then puts on a tutu and cow horns, prances, and runs away. CROW: I wish my brother George was here . . . > >326 INT. FREEZE'S CELL > > The two Guards stand by the console as the door seals > behind Pam. > > GUARD > Don't mind us, ma'am. You can converse > freely. TOM : If you don't mind us makin' rude comments and such occasionally. Think of me as Guard Crow and Guard Tom. > > But Pam isn't interested in Freeze, instead walks to the > Guards. > > PAMELA > Oh, I don't mind you at all. TOM: I loathe you. > > Pam begins a saunter around the room, shedding her cloak > to reveal her skintight Ivy costume. TOM: Villain-gram! > > PAMELA > You're not that attractive. MIKE: Why thank you. > Pretty > average I'd say. But your fantasies > aren't average, are they? MIKE: Uh-yeah. I work for Wakenhut. > >327 INT. ARKHAM HALLWAY - HALLWAY CROW: At Arkham, even the hallways have multiple personality disorder. > > (OVER) ALARMS. Bane, rolling Freeze's suit in a shopping > cart, barrels down the hallway, KNOCKING Guards and > Doctors into walls. TOM: Attention K-Mart shoppers, we have a blue-light special on steroid-induced supervillains! > >328 INT. FREEZE'S CELL > > Pam's saunter has brought her back to the two mesmerized > Guards. MIKE : We'd look great dressed like that. > > IVY > Men. The most absurd of all God's > creatures. We give you life and we > can take it back just as easily. MIKE : Ma'am, we do have the guns. > > She holds one Guard's chin in each hand. Leans in to kiss > them. > > IVY > What if I told you one kiss from me > would kill you? > > GUARD GUARD #2 > Right. Whatever. > > IVY > I really am to die for. > > She kisses first one, then the other. They CHOKE, fall. > Dead. TOM: Their breath levels her too. Sadly, Freeze(tm) will never escape. > > FREEZE > Impressive CROW : They didn't react that way when I kissed them. > > IVY > Well, I, my most unabominable > snowman, have been impressed by you. > In fact I propose a pairing. So I'm > here to set you free. > > FREEZE > An enticing offer. But what does the > lady want in return? MIKE : Don't you know working with bald, undersexed psychopaths is every girls dream? > > IVY > Let's cool it for now. There's > someone I want you to meet. TOM: Great, she's probably going to introduce him to her parents. > >329 OMITTED MIKE: Well, great, now we don't get to meet her parents. Back to the crappy script. > >330 Ivy presses a button TOM: I suddenly miss Frank. > and the door slides open. Bane > runs in, wheeling Freeze's suit. Ivy seals the door > behind him. MIKE: With crazy glue. > > FREEZE > Ah, a laundry service that delivers. > > Bane rolls the cart across the cryonic field. CROW: That field's name changed again! Freeze > begins to dress. > > IVY > I love that belt. What are you, > about a fifty Big and Tall? > > FREEZE > I always go a size smaller. Makes > me look slimmer. > >331 FREEZE - POV. His watch like status display shows his > power supply. Dangerously low. Auxiliary Power Only. MIKE: So his belt is out of power. > > Freeze opens his sleeve compartments. Empty. TOM: They got my stash! > > FREEZE > They've confiscated my generator > diamonds. I'm running on empty. > >332 (OVER) the SHOUTS of approaching Guards. The flame of a > laser torch begins to cut around the side of the front > door. TOM: I'd never trust the guards here with lasers. > >333/ IVY hits the Venom pump. Bane lifts his fists and tries >334 to SMASH the far wall. It doesn't break. > > IVY > Not good. CROW : Very bad. Not good. Very bad. > >335 (OVER) the SHOUTS of more Guards coming down the hall. > Freeze reaches for his holster. Empty. > > FREEZE > No gun. How disarming. MIKE: No story. How telling. > > IVY > I wonder if I can get a cell with > a view of the gardens? MIKE: Thanks for the boost, Ivy (tm)! > > FREEZE > Dear daisy, don't despair. CROW AND TOM : Daisy, daisy . . . > >336 Freeze walks to a sink set into the cell wall. He turns > on the water. Freeze cracks his gauntlet seal, cryo-gas > HISSING out. TOM: Freeze(tm), Ivy(tm), and Bane(tm) inhale deep and kiss the sky! > > FREEZE > Always winterize your pipes. MIKE: THERE'S a metaphor if I ever heard one. > >337 Freeze aims the gas jet at the spigot. PIPES around the > room begin to freeze, bulging with the cold, frozen water > within them splitting metal, rushing towards, CRACKING, > the stone wall. > >338 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT MIKE: Same night? We don't know. We don't care. > > The wall of Freeze's turreted isolation tower begins to > CRACK. MIKE: Freeze(tm)! Freeze(tm)! Let down your . . . oh. > >339 INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - FREEZE'S CELL > > The wall has split apart, revealing the night beyond. > Bane, Ivy, and Freeze look down at the rushing river far > below. TOM: Conveniently there for this movie. > > IVY > I hate heights. CROW : Funny, I hate widths. > >340 The cell door flies off its hinges. CROW: And into the night, free at last! > > FREEZE > You'll hate prison more. > > The three villains jump. MIKE: Martian Manhunter(tm), Aquaman(tm), and the Flash(tm) appear and hold up signs reading "10" "9" and "9.5" TOM: You know, this "trademark" speak is getting annoying. CROW: Yeah as bad as those comics where everyone talks in "logo." > >341 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT > > Three tiny figures plummet towards the fast rushing waters > below. > >342 INT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT - WALKING TOM: Baba Yaga's back, I see. > > Bruce walks with Alfred through the old house, shutting out > lights. MIKE : When a man loves a butler . . . > > BRUCE > Are you well, old friend? > > Alfred stops, stares into his charge's eyes, then turns > away. > > ALFRED > I am as well as can be expected. TOM: I work for a psychotic who wears leather, fights crime, and recruits orphans. As well as can be expected. > > BRUCE > Alfred, I know you're sick -- I > can get you the best doctors. MIKE: Dr. Phosphorous. Dr. Fate . . . > > ALFRED > I've seen the best doctors--! A > gentleman does not discuss his > health. It's not civilized. I > hope I've taught you at least > that much, young man. > > Bruce bites back a bitter smile. He knows better than to > push him when he's like this. TOM: Or his mind will snap like uncooked spaghetti. > > BRUCE > Have you ever regretted your life > working here, Alfred? TOM : Only every minute, sir. > > ALFRED > Attending to heroes? No sir. my > Only regret is that I was never > able to be out there with you. MIKE: I want to be Butlerman, justice is served hot and steaming! > > BRUCE > Not all heroes wear masks. MIKE: Heck, some of them don't even wear pants! CROW: Some wear nipple rings and thongs! > > Alfred smiles. > > BRUCE > Alfred, if I've never told you...I > just want to say... > > ALFRED > Yes? ALL: Kiss him! Kiss him! > > Bruce looks away, fighting tears, unable to say the words. > >342A BRUCE - POV. Out the window, a young Bruce plays hide > and seek with Alfred, the old Butler gone behind a hedge, > then back again. MIKE: Let's not comment, guys. > > BACK TO SCENE >342B DICK > (running in) > Freeze has escaped. MIKE : No, that wasn't quite what I wanted to say . . . CROW: Yep, those three words every man longs to hear . . . Freeze has escaped. > > OUT THE WINDOW. The Batsignal shines in the night sky. MIKE: It is a beeper! TOM: Notice below it is a subtitle reading "Freeze has Escaped." CROW: This is so lame. TOM: Just a sec, I have an idea. [THEY EXIT] [BRIDGE OF SOL. TOM IS LOOKING OVER A STRANGE CYLINDRICAL DEVICE. MIKE AND CROW ENTER] MIKE: Isn't that the time machine the Nanites built for me. CROW: Oh, yeah, I got fond memories . . . oh, sorry about that Mike. MIKE: Oh, don't worry, I've repressed everything. Tom? TOM: Well, since we're on the border between fact and fiction, I had the nanites re-wire this gizmo so we can enter the fictional universes. I figure we can hide out from Mrs. Forrester until she gets tired, or even get some help. MIKE: Sounds completely stupid. When do you leave? TOM: Right now! I've decided to mainly visit syndicated shows, plus some of the oddball stuff. CROW: Why? Mainstream network television to good for you? TOM: No, I just figure that the cast of 'Friends' isn't gonna be a lot of help. CROW: Whatever. TOM: And, I'm off! [TOM ENTERS THE DEVICE. IT SHAKES FOR A MOMENT] MIKE: Why am I filled with dread? Moreso than usual, I mean. [THERE IS A PUFF OF SMOKE FROM THE DEVICE. TOM STAGGERS OUT, APPARENTLY WORSE FOR WEAR] MIKE: Tom, that was quick! CROW: Mike, this is like that time thingy. Who knows how long Tom was gone. Tommy? TOM: Bub . . . bub . . . bub . . . MIKE: Uh-oh, he looks pretty stunned. I wonder . . . [THE SOL SHAKES SEVERAL TIMES.] CROW: We're under attack! MIKE: How do you know? [GYPSY POPS UP] GYPSY: We're under attack! Unknown ship configuration! MIKE: Cambot, Rocket Number Nine! [OUTSIDE THE SOL. A SLEEK, ORGANIC LOOKING SPACECRAFT HOVERS OUTSIDE, OCCASIONALLY FIRING UPON THE SATTELITE OF LOVE WITH STRANGE ENERGY WEAPONS. IT APPEARS TO BE A COMPOSITE OF MANY SPACECRAFT, WITH A PICTURE OF TOM, CROSSED OUT, PAINTED ON THE BOW] [SOL. TOM IS SHAKING] MIKE and CROW and GYPSY: Tom . . . TOM: bub . . . bub . . . Chakotay said the tattoo would never come off of his butt, and right after Hercules used me as a chamberpot, Ivanova sat on my head and beat me, and . . . [THE HEXFIELD VIEW SCREEN OPENS. STANDONG ON THE BRIDGE OF THE CRAFT IS AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ANGRY PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE CASTS OF 'BABYLON 5', 'XENA', "HERCULES', AND MANY MORE. EVERYONE SEEMS ANGRY.] MIKE : Why, who is this red being standing here. CROW : I am amazed. Yes. How did he get here? MIKE : I think my companions and I will go watch the reading of a script and leave this stranger here. [MIKE AND CROW AND GYPSY HIGH-TAIL IT OUT OF THE BRIDGE] TOM: Uh, look, there's been a lot of misunderstandings. Ambassador Delenn, grabbing someone's hinder is a sign of respect on my world! Er, Nick, I didn't know the pizza had garlic! Xena, you can't prove the kid is mine! Guys, I didn't know Tek was illegal! G'Kar, I didn't mean to drop your eye in that jar of suppositories! Iolaus, hair grows back! I . . . uh-oh. [THEATER. MIKE, GYPSY, AND CROW SIT SULLENLY] CROW: I do feel kinda bad about leaving Tommy. Kinda. [ENTER TOM. A STRANGE, CIRCULAR METAL OBJECT IS EMBEDED IN HIS HEAD] GYPSY: What's that? TOM: I dunno, some round killing thing. [MIKE REACHES OVER TO PULL THE ARTIFACT OUT] TOM: Thanks. MIKE: How did you survive? TOM: I just asked who they were and what they wanted and a fight broke out! I don't get it. Hey, the script is starting back up? GYPSY: I'm outta here! > >343 INT. LIMO - NIGHT > > Filled with flowers. Bane sits at the wheel, TOM: My God some bastard hollowed Bane out and filled him with flowers! CROW : Packed with flowers, Bane really satisfies . . . > Ivy and Freeze > in back, watching the Snowy Cones Ice Cream Factory, > surrounded now by a police perimeter. > > FREEZE > My reserves are exhausted. ALL: > I must > have the gems that power my suit. > > IVY > You are looking unseasonably hot. > Let's go inside and grab your rocks. ALL CROW: What man could resist that? > > The Batmobile SCREECHES up. Batman and Robin race inside. > > FREEZE > In my weakened state I am no match > for the bat and the bird. > > IVY > You leave Batman and Robin to me. TOM : Sounds kinky, but OK. > > Freeze looks skeptical. Ivy smiles seductively. > > IVY > Trust me. Vegetable magnetism. TOM : But vegetables don't, oh sorry . . . > > FREEZE > Fine. While I retrieve my diamonds, > you and meatloaf will bring my wife TOM: Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul! MIKE: Then they'll get Ozzy, and Dio, and . . . > to your lair. She's frozen in - > > IVY > Hold it. You never said anything > about a wife, frozen or otherwise- > > Freeze moves fast, grabbing her neck, SMASHING her against > the seat back. Bane moves in but Ivy SHOOS him off with a > gesture. > > FREEZE > You will rescue my wife > > IVY > OK, OK. Ms. Ivy to the rescue. Now > where do I find your brittle bride? TOM : Oh, you know her? > >344/345 OMITTED > >346 INT. FREEZE'S LAIR > > Police tagged and tapped. CROW: The cops are dead already? > Batman and Robin examine > Freeze's lab. Commissioner Gordon ENTERS, drops a video > disk in a console player. > > GORDON > There's no sign he came back here > after the escape. We pulled this > off the surveillance cameras at > Arkham. MIKE: We think it's a wad of gum, what about you? > >346A MONITOR - CLOSE. The three villains daring aerial escape. > Batman hits a switch. The image of Ivy fills the screen. > > ROBIN > She's definitely part of this. CROW: Duh! > It's > weird, for a while Ivy was all I > could think about. But then... TOM: Dick is NOT the sharpest Batarang in the box. > > BATMAN > I know. The feeling just vanished. > > ROBIN > I can't believe we were fighting > over a bad guy. MIKE: They say so much in one line . . . > > BATMAN > Bad, yes. Guy, no. This is one > majorly beautiful evil person. > > ROBIN > I'm totally over her. Positively. > > BATMAN > Me too. Great stems, though. TOM: A shame she's a broad. > > ROBIN BATMAN > Umm-hmmmm. Definitely. TOM: They don't buy it either. > > Batman has gone to the walk-in Freezer. CROW: To cool down from looking at Dick! > Examines a wall of > food. he lifts a frozen oriental dinner. The secret vault > swings open. > > ROBIN > How did you...? > > BATMAN > (off the box) > Open Sesame...Chicken. CROW: Even the puns are stale! > >346B INT. FREEZE'S VAULT > > Batman and Robin ENTER, examine Nora Fries in her > sarcophagus. > > BATMAN > She's still alive. He's adapted his > freezing technology to reverse > McGregor's Syndrome. > (off a scrolling monitor) > He's even found a cure for the early > stages of the disease. TOM: It's Exposition for Windows95! > > ROBIN > Can he save her? > > BATMAN > No. Her case is too advanced. But > maybe, someday, with more research- MIKE: She can get into a better film! > >346BB FAIRY-LIKE SPIRALS begin winding through the room. > Batman and Robin, both dazed, follow the dust through a > snaking passage, wrench open two service doors TO REVEAL... TOM: A new car! > >346C INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY - INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Bane stands atop a staircase overlooking an industrial > basement crisscrossed by catwalks above giant mixing vats > and conveyer belts. He hits a switch, the machinery WHIRRING > to life. > > BATMAN > No beauty... > > ROBIN > Just the beast. TOM: Isn't that unfair to Bane? > > BATMAN rushes the monster. Bane SIDESWIPES him, sending him > flying off the stairs towards the basement below. CROW: Is it still about the gear? > > Robin uses Batman's distraction to SMSH into Bane's chest. > Robin bounces off, landing hard atop the landing. MIKE: He enjoyed that. > > ROBIN > Ouch. > (standing) > Anymore at home life you? CROW: Sailor? > > The two begin to fight atop the stairs. CROW: Fighting over Batman(tm)? > >346D INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > > The front doors BLOW open. Gordon and the Cops stare up > to face Mr. Freeze, standing atop the steps. > > FREEZE > I hate uninvited guests. TOM : I don't even like the regular kind. > > The Cops race up the stairs towards Freeze. He pulls a lever > marked COOLANT GAS. VENTS around the room begin to HISS blue > freezing gas. > >346E INT. SNOWY CONES INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Batman has landed in a giant ice cream mixer. CROW: Probably Tutti-Fruti TOM: Or Tutti-Clooney > He rolls clear > of the giant stirring arm, flipping out of the vat to face... > Poison Ivy. She smiles, blows a handful of dust into his face. > > IVY > I must confess, the combination of > heroic daring-do and an anatomically > correct rubber suit puts fire in a > girl's...lips. TOM: And sometimes in a man's . . . > > She leans in to kiss him. Batman stares a beat, shakes it > off. > > BATMAN > Why do all the gorgeous ones have to > be homicidal maniacs? MIKE: Like the Joker(tm), the Riddler(tm), Two-Face(tm). > Is it me? TOM: Yes it is! > >346F BATMAN - POV. Bane is spinning Robin over his head. > Batman races up the steps towards his partner. TOM : Icehead Mullins has Bobby the Brain in a deathlock . . . > >346G INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY > > The Cops are fighting through the HISSING coolant gas > towards Freeze at the top of the stairs. Freeze reaches > for another lever. > > FREEZE > Why don't you boys slip into > something more comfortable? MIKE: Yuck. > >346H THE ICY STPES - CLOSE. SNAP into a steep, curving ramp. > > Freeze PUNCHES the lead Cop backwards into his shivering > cohorts, the police tumbling in a slipping pile down to > the floor below. MIKE: And no one has guns. TOM: I think Gotham(tm) is in Britain. > >346-I INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT - TOP OF STAIRS > > Bane hurls Robin down the steps. Batman SHASHES into Bane, > both falling off the platform, taking their fight to a > catwalk below. > >346J INT. BASEMENT FLOOR > > Robin stands, behind him a giant miller's wheel carries > planks of wood through a chopper and back up as pallets > of popsicle sticks. MIKE: And this is an abandoned factory, not being used . . . > > IVY (OVER) > Her pretty birdie. > > Robin spins to face Ivy. She blows a pile of dust into his > face. She begins advancing, backing him towards the chopper > blades. > > ROBIN > Give it up. If you threw yourself- TOM: Into the chopper blades. > > IVY > (leaning in) > At you? Polly want a kiss? TOM : You know my secret name for myself! > > She leans in, lips pursed. > >346K ON THE CATWALK OVERHEAD Bane's mighty BLOWS back Batman > towards the edge of the catwalk. CROW: Or Batwalk now. > > Robin looks from Ivy to Batman, grabs a strut on the miller's > wheel, the giant cog lifting him up towards the catwalk and > his partner. > > IVY > I must be losing my touch. > >346L INT. SNOWY CONES FACTORY CROW: Is it still night? TOM: I don't care. > > Freeze is striding through the mists towards his diamond > vault. More Cops rush him from the HISSING gas. > > FREEZE moves like lightning, WHIPPING billy clubs from the MIKE: Excuse me, that's WILLIAM clubs, thank you! > holsters of two police, using them like disconnected nun- > chucks, KNOCKING the cops unconscious in a flurry of SLAMS > and JABS. TOM: Disconnected nunchucks. Those ARE clubs! MIKE: Translation - stuff happened.