> > FREEZE > Stick around. > > A COP hits the wall. Beside him a button reads; EMERGENCY > HEAT. He SLAMS the stud, filaments coming to life, the room > glowing red. > > Freeze's watch begins to flash. No power. TOM: No Plot! No Disco! No Fooling Around! > >346M INT. CATWALK > > Bane kicks Batman off the end of the catwalk as Robin leaps > onto the villain. Robin and Bane begin fighting again. TOM: This catwalk is no cakewalk. > >346N INT. CONVEYOR BELT MIKE: The INTERIOR of a conveyor belt? > Batman lands on his back on a moving belt that is feeding > ancient tubs of ice cream into a clown shaped flash freezer. > Ivy jumps atop the caped crusader, their faces close. > > IVY > You bring out the animal in me. MIKE : You bring out the mineral in me. > > BATMAN > I should have brought my leash. CROW: The sick thing is he acknowledges he HAS one. > > IVY > Enough sweet talk. TOM: Was that foreplay? MIKE: Stop, Tom, stop. > > With that Ivy blows another handful of dust into Batman's > face. Ivy licks her lips. Leans in for a kiss. > > At the last second, Batman averts his face, wrenching Ivy > to the floor just ahead of the clown's freezing maw. > > BATMAN > (mustering all his will) > You're going to jail. CROW : Then I'm going to Disney world. Dick and I fit in there. > > IVY > I'm a lover not a fighter. That's > why every Poison Ivy action figure > comes complete with...him. > > BANE stands atop a giant storage vat, a dazed Robin hanging > in his hand. Bane tosses the boy aside, slide, feet first, > down a conveyer belt and double fists Batman, CRASHING, > into the wall. CROW: Owie! Owie! Owie! > > IVY > I'm off to find Bachelor Number Two. TOM : Bachelor Number One is Clark, he lives in Metropolis(tm) and has an identity crisis. Bachelor Number Two is Kyle, who loves the color green! > Try not to make a mess when you die. > >346-O INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY > > The room is growing even hotter. Freeze stagger towards > his diamond vault, his flesh turning ray. > > With his last strength, Freeze wrenches open his safe, > filling his sleeve power compartments with diamonds, his > color returning. > > FREEZE > Ahh. Chilled to perfection. > > Freeze hits his watch, the villain now suddenly encased > in ice. MIKE: Whoops, turned that one up too high. > >346P WIDER > > The Cops are warming back into action, draw guns, FIRE, > bullets bouncing off Freeze's armor of ice, ricocheting > into the walls. > > FREEZE > Superman, eat your heart out. MIKE: A voice says 'No, I don't think so,' and the plot changes radically. > > Freeze starts towards his weapons locker. TOM: But he forgot the key. > >346Q INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Bane SMASHES Batman into the wall. Advances. At the last > second, Batman FIRES a Batclub, HITTING Bane in the head > stunning him. CROW: Sure. > >346R BAATMAN - POV. Ivy is closing in on Robin. MIKE: Da-dump, da-dump . . . > >346S INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY CROW: Probably daytime now, you know. > > The Cops rush Freeze. The villain whips a small icing jewel > from his weapons locker, the floor GLOWS, suddenly covered > with ice. > > The Cops begin slipping on the glassy floor in classic > Keystone style, ending up sprawled on their backs. MIKE: Wouldn't it be great it someone brought Cops? Keystone cops? > > Freeze stands, pulsing with power, MIKE: Uh-huh . . . > this icing cannon now > under one arm. He lifts his pistol in his free hand. Points > at the police. CROW: Forgetting it's not polite to point. > > FREEZE > All right coppers, Freeze. TOM: Hey, we know who you are . . . oh. > > He FIRES. > >346T INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT > > Ivy has Robin up against a giant vat. MIKE: Now there's a metaphor. > > IVY > Stop living in the shadow of the > big bad bat. You don't need him. > (blows more dust) > You deserve your own legend. Your > own bright shining signal in the > sky. Let me guide you. Let me... > (touches his face) TOM : No. > ...Touch you. Kiss you. TOM : I'm not feeling anything. > > He can't resist, about to kiss her. A tiny batarang hits > his cheek. MIKE: Batarang micro machines! > > BATMAN > Remember the victim at the airport. > Toxins introduced through the mouth. TOM : Just a second, I'm BUSY! > > ROBIN > What are you talking about? > > BATMAN > Why is she so desperate to kiss us? > I'm betting her lips are poison. MIKE: Yeah, no sane woman would want to kiss us! > > ROBIN > A poison kiss? You have some real > issues with women, you know that? MIKE: Oh, we all know that. CROW: It's about time someone admitted that. > (advancing) > You just couldn't stand that she > was about to kiss me. > (shoves him) > Couldn't stand that something might > be mine and not yours. Could you?! > > Robin shoves him harder still. In frustration, Batman > delivers a fantastic roundhouse, sending Robin SMASHING > into a wall. > > BATMAN > Damn. TOM: Now I'm the top! > > Batman tries to help Robin up. Robin shrugs him off, stands. > > ROBIN > Ivy's right. I don't need you. I'm > going solo. I want my own signal > in the sky. CROW : Moving on up to that signal in the sky . . . TOM : That signal in the sky keeps on turning . . . > > Batman looks around. Ivy and Bane are gone. > > GORDON > (arriving) > What happened? How'd they get away? TOM: A sudden burst of heterosexuality, but we've dealt with it! > > But the caped crusader doesn't have an answer. CROW: But he does have a question! > >347 INT. FREEZE'S HIDDEN CHAMBER > > Ivy enters through the snaking passage. She turns to face > Freeze's wife, still in her frozen sarcophagus. > > IVY > So sorry, Ms. Fridigaire. I'm just > not good with competition. > > Ivy pulls the main power switch. Status lights flash red. > >348-349 OMITTED > >350 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS - DAWN > > Transformed. Sunlight streams in through the broken > ceiling. The ground thrives, now a rich garden. > >351 IVY ENTERS, strolls through the gardens into a small >352 ante-room where Freeze sits over his freezing engine, > having ZAPPED the walls with his pistol, the room now > a world of ice. > > IVY > Make yourself right at home. TOM : I was just about to strip down to my underwear, eat chips, watch football, and scratch myself! > > FREEZE > Where is my wife? TOM: Goodbye City Life! > > IVY > There was nothing I could do. Batman > deactivated her. She's dead. > > FREEZE > You lie! TOM: Slowly it dawns on freeze that the psychotic gardener he's hanging out with MIGHT lie to him! > >353 Freeze lunges for Ivy. Bane steps between them. Mistake. > Freeze hurls him across the room. Ivy stills Bane with a > gesture. > > IVY > I'm sorry. > > Ivy reaches up, holding the snowflake necklace between her > and the looming Freeze. Freeze stops, takes the chain in > his hand. > > FREEZE > Their bones will turn to ice. Their > blood will freeze in my hands. TOM : Er, could you be more specific? > > IVY > Kill them. Of course. But why stop > there? CROW : Because then I vill break for a light lunch. > Why should only Batman and > Robin die while the society that > created them goes unpunished? MIKE: Yeah, I'm sure your wife would appreciate a little cathartic mass murder! > > Ivy lifts the frozen Gotham bauble off the iced table. > Turns it over in her hand absentmindedly. Freeze stares at > her. > > FREEZE > Yes. I shall replay the world > for sentencing me to a life without MIKE: A plot. > the warmth of human comfort. I will > blanket the city in endless winter. > First Gotham and then the world. > > IVY > Just what I had in mind. Everything > dead on Earth except us. A chance > for mother nature to start again. > (she lifts a flower) > Plants and flowers are the oldest > species on the planet yet they are > defenseless against man. Sorry hon, > this is for science. > (she crushes the flower) > Behold the dawn of a new age. TOM: Black helicopters and all! > > From a canisters labeled PROJECT GILGAMESH, Ivy removes a > savage, other-worldly plant with HISSING fangs. CROW: So it's fangs hiss, but not any other part of it . . . > > IVY > I have created a race of plants > with the strength of the deadliest > animals. Once you have frozen > mankind, my mutants will overrun > the globe. The Earth will become > a brave new world of only plants. > And we shall rule them. For we > will be the only two people left > in the world. TOM: You guys get the impression the screenwriter was trying to be extra clear here for the hard of thinking? MIKE: Like himself. > > FREEZE > Adam and Evil. CROW: Kinevil? > > Freeze lifts the Gotham bauble, holds it on his palm, his > gauntlet glowing blue, tiny Gotham freezing. He CRUSHES the > city. MIKE: And our souls. > > FREEZE > You will distract the bat and bird > while I prepare to freeze Gotham. > > IVY > Can't we just ice them along with > the rest of the citizenry? CROW: You know, Ivy(tm) is thinking ahead. > > FREEZE > That is far too merciful. Batman > will watch his beloved Gotham perish, > then I will kill him. > > IVY > As a team, the duncely duo protect > each other. But the Robin is young. > Impetuous. If I could get him alone- MIKE: You'd probably be severely disappointed. > > FREEZE > One kiss and you could lift the mask > from his lifeless face. Their secret > identities would be revealed. But > how best to bait a brid? MIKE: So you reveal their identities to a world already dead? > > IVY > The way to a boy's heart is through > his ego. What strapping young hero > could resist his very own...signal? > > FREEZE > Inspired, Ms. ivy. MIKE: No it's not. > > IVY > I'm hungry. I think I'll have > poultry. > >354-393 OMITTED TOM: Woah! MIKE: This is where all the interesting stuff happened. > >393A INT. WAYNE MANOR - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY _ EVENING > > Barbara and Dick stand talking to a DOCTOR. MIKE: Generic Doctor, cheaper than most. > > DOCTOR > It's Stage One of McGregor's Syndrome. > I'm sorry. All we can do is make him > comfortable. TOM: Try not to expose him to the rest of the script, it'll only make things worse. > > PUSH IN through a partially open door in the b.g... > >394 INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S ROOM - EVENING > > Alfred lays on his bed. Bruce in black tie, kneels beside > him. MIKE: I hope he's wearing more than the tie, or this is going to really lodge in my memory. > > BRUCE > I've spent my whole life trying to > beat back death. What good are all > my heroics now if I can't save you? TOM : Not bloody much, sir. > > ALFRED > Everyone dies, Master Bruce. There's > no defeat in that. Victory comes in > fighting for what we know is right > while we still live. CROW: So why don't you start already. > >394A Bruce looks past Alfred. There in the adjacent suite, a > young Alfred finishes reading to a young Bruce. Shuts out > the light. MIKE: Is it just me, or is Bruce hitting the flashbacks pretty badly here? > >394B BACK TO SCENE > > BRUCE > I love you, old man. > > ALFRED > Remember this. And remember it > always. I'm proud of you. And > I love you too, son. > > They embrace. MIKE: The one good scene in the movie. ALL > >395 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER > > (OVER) the doorbell is RINGING. Dick follows Bruce > downstairs, the billionaire donning his coat. > > DICK > McGregor's Syndrome. That's what > Freeze's wife had. MIKE: Shocked, shocked I am at the co-incidence. > > BRUCE > Yes. But Alfred's condition is less > severe. Freeze's research says he > cured a case like Alfred's. It just > doesn't say how. > > DICK > I checked the medical database. No > one else is even close. CROW: As in physical distance or research? Be clear, man! > > BRUCE > I'm late for the dedication. Then I > go after Freeze and ivy. Alone. > > DICK > Like hell you do. > > BRUCE > Dick, don't push me right now. MIKE: Or fold me, spindle me, or mutilate me! > > DICK > Or what? No one can capture Ivy but > the big bad Bat. Crap! You just want > her for yourself. Don't you? Answer > me, damn it! > > BRUCE > Yes! Yes, I want her so badly I can > taste it. That's the whole point. TOM: The fact that any woman interests me frightens me! > Look at us. Orphans. Isolated. > Obsessed to the exclusion of life, > love, family. We're perfect targets. > She's done something to us, got us > fighting over her somehow. TOM: And I have NO idea how ANY woman could do that! > > DICK > Hail the all-knowing Bruce Wayne. ALL: Hail Bruce! > Here's what I know, she loves me, > Not you and it's driving you crazy. > It's why you stopped us from kissing. > Because if you can't have her, > nobody can. > > BRUCE > She's clouded your mind. You're not > thinking straight. TOM: Actually, the problem is that he IS thinking straight. > > DICK > Oh but I am. For the first time in > a long time. I'm through living in your > shadow. All that ends right now. CROW: So then why is this movie called "Batman and Robin."(tm & tm) > >395A Dick walks away. Bruce stares after him. (OVER) The bell > RINGS again. The front door swings open, Julie ENTERS. A > limo sits out front. MIKE: Making doughnuts on the lawn. > > JULIE > I've been ringing forever. Where's > Alfred? TOM: With Waldo. > > But Bruce doesn't answer. > >395B INT. WAYNE MANOR - ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT > > Barbara stands over the old man. TOM : Now I just place this pillow like so, and according to his will . . . > > BARBARA > I'm sorry. I was too late. > > ALFRED > Too late for what, dear child? CROW: Acting lessons. > > BARBARA > I came to give you your freedom, > a chance to live the life you choose. > The same gift you gave me. MIKE: And the desire to work with leather-wearing psychos. > > ALFRED > I have been part of the greatest > adventure ever know. I have found > purpose here, and the family I > could never have. > > Alfred smiles, is hit by a sudden wave of pain. MIKE: He realizes that following this film, Nicholas Cage will attempt to play Superman(tm). > > ALFRED > You must do something for me. > > Alfred takes her hand, puts an envelope in her grasp. TOM: It's my last student loan payment. Mail it. > > ALFRED > Find my brother Wilfred. Give him > This. I have duties he must fulfill > in my stead. Only family can be > trusted. > > BARBARA > What is it? MIKE: A sociobiological unit of animal organization. > > ALFRED > It is the hearts of two good men TOM: Woah! Big envelope! > whom I have had the honor of > calling son. Take it, child. But > I implore you, never open it. CROW: OK, I can see this coming a mile away. > (he touches her cheek) > You look so like your mother. MIKE: Except not as smart or interesting. > > And with that his eyes close. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred? > >396-399 OMITTED MIKE: An attempt for Alicia Silverstone to act, omitted. > >400 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - NIGHT > > A black tie gala celebrating the telescope unveiling. > PAMELA ISLEY stands in the center of the room. Alone. > Her drab outfit and demeanor make her anything but a > conversation magnet. TOM: It makes her more of a conversation cyclotron. > > Bruce and Julie ENTER, smiling through the storm of > FLASHBULBS, and the crowd of PRESS, being greeting > guests. Commissioner Gordon steps away, reaches for > champagne off a try. TOM : It's only number twenty, nothing ever goes wrong in this city . . . > > VOICE (OVER) > I've always wondered, where does > that big old bat light come from? > > Pamela stands before Gordon. She flips open a compact, > blows a pile of love dust, the tiny swirl catching the cop > in the face, a bit more hitting Bruce who stands behind > the Commissioner. > > GORDON - CLOSE. Stunned. And suddenly in love. TOM: With Bruce or Pam? > > GORDON > (stammering) > It's on top of police headquarters. > > Pam takes Gordon's arm, leads him like a puppy into an alcove. MIKE: Hitting him with a rolled-up newspaper. > > PAMELA > I'd just love to see it. But you > probably don't have access. TOM : You just described my marriage. > > GORDON > Why, I'm Commissioner of Police. > (patting his pocket) > I have the keys right here. CROW: Let me whip this out . . . > >401 BRUCE, still standing with Julie, amidst the PRESS and > WELL-WISHERS, seems suddenly distracted, begins looking > around the room. > > As if summoned by an inaudible call, Bruce peels away from > a perplexed Julie, begins searching the crowd. A man on a > quest. TOM: To ruin his life . . . > > PAM has Gordon against the alcove wall. Her fingers slip > into his pocket. CROW: Oh, I don't wanna look . . . > > PAMELA > On second thought, you're way too > old for me. > > She pushes a stunned Gordon away, spins, heads towards the > door, tossing something in her hand. Gordon's keys. > >402 A HAND grabs her. Pam spins to face Bruce Wayne. TOM: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah! > > BRUCE > Dr. Isley. it was like I could feel > you in the room. You're...enchanting. > Gorgeous. The most beautiful woman > I've ever seen. If you're..um... > free...this evening. MIKE: It's Bruce Wayne's(tm) "How to Not Pick Up Women and Embarrass Your Date!" > > JULIE > (arriving) > Bruce? What are you doing? TOM: Ruining our relationship, shut up! > > PAMELA > I think he's asking me on a date, in > an awkward, stammering sort of way. > TOM: She's being kind. > JULIE > I've heard of commitment anxiety, > but this is insane. You're not > really propositioning another > woman right in front of me. > Are you? TOM : Doesn't that turn you on? > > BRUCE > Well, definite 'propositioning'. > > The PRESS has noticed the conflict, now surround Bruce, > Julie and Pam. MIKE: As Gossipy Gertie gets a chance to hit on Julie . . . > > JULIE > Make a choice, Bruce. Her or me. > > BRUCE > Well...um...her. > > JULIE > (crestfallen) CROW: I guess she dropped her toothpaste! > You were right. I get it. You're not > the marrying kind. You've made your > point. Goodbye Bruce Wayne. TOM : I'm gonna see if that nice Barry Allen is seeing anyone! > > PAMELA > Physical perfection, charm and > wealth tossed over for a dowdy spinster. > How do you explain your behavior? TOM : The writer made me do it! > > BRUCE > (puzzled) > I can't. But perhaps tonight, over > dinner...I've just had an opening. > > PAMELA > Maybe your witless playboy persona > works on every bimbo du jour but I > am not the least bit titillated by > your attentions. So back off or I'll > have you in court quicker than you > can spell sexual harassment. Got me? MIKE: I'm sorry, your mousy hair and thick glasses had me enchanted. > >402A WIDER > > Folks are staring. MURMUR to each other. Bruce is > chagrined. > > BRUCE > Does that mean dinner's a no? CROW: Come on! Come on! Earth to Brucie! > > Pam has already pushed past him, out the door. > > BRUCE > It's just I sort of...kind of > ...love you. MIKE: A crazy little thing sort of kind of called love. > >403 INT. BLOSSOMS TREET TURKISH BATHS - FREEZE'S CHAMBER > > Freeze stands, putting on his suit. TOM: And top-hat. > > He SNAPS his fingers. A legion of Icemen step out of the > swirling mists. Freeze lifts his freezing engine. > > FREEZE > Bundle up boys. There's a storm > coming. > > Freeze and his battalion head into the night. TOM : Uh, boss, what is the economic advantage to us in destroying the world? > >404 EXT. POLICE HQ - ROOF - NIGHT > > A giant door swings open. Bane and Ivy emerge onto the > roof. TOM : Let's hock lugies on passerbys. > > IVY > Let there be light. MIKE: Dressing! > > Bane walks tot he dormant Batsignal, TEARS it from its > shackles. TOM: This'll look great on the Christmas Tree! > >404A INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - NIGHT > > Barbara ENTERS, lost in grief. She sits, turns Alfred's > envelope over in her hand. A long beat. She withdraws a > single, silver CD. CROW: Al's album went silver! MIKE: Yeah, well "Metal Butler" did pretty well overseas. > > BARBARA > Only family can be trusted? > > Barbara slides the disk into her computer. > > COMPUTER > Access denied. Protected files. MIKE: Piss off. > > BARBARA > Perhaps you didn't give me your > genes. TOM: Or your brains. > But you gave me your heart. MIKE: Yuck! > > Barbara begins hacking the disk, trying to break the code. >