>405-406 OMITTED MIKE: And this is where they'll make up an explanation for how she gets access to the disk. > >406A INT.-WAYNE MANOR-HALLWAY-NIGHT > > Bruce, still in his tux, ENTERS, sits at the main batcomputer > console, distraught, starting in to the darkness of the cave. TOM: And his soul. > >407A A YOUNGER ALFRED stands with an ADOLESCENT BRUCE, working > together over the original Batsuit prototype. TOM : Sir, pants are a virtual necessity when being in public. > >407B BRUCE - CLOSE. As the images dissipate to memory. > > BRUCE > Alfred, old friend, I could use > your help right now. > > ALFRED (OVER) > Right here, sir. MIKE: And the hallucinations are running rampant. > >408 Bruce spins, stunned. A monitor flickers into life. > The words COMPUTER SIMULATION flash under an image of > Alfred. TOM: It's the Al 9000! > > ALFRED > I anticipated a moment might arrive > where I became...incapacitated. As > such, I programmed my brain algorithms > into the batcomputer and created a > virtual simulation. CROW: Of course you did . . . > > Bruce stares a beat. Then he smiles. > > BRUCE > It's good to see you. TOM: Bruce acts like nothing unusual happened. This disturbs me. > > ALFRED > What seems to be the problem? MIKE: You're taking up ten gig of hard drive space? > > BRUCE > Women. > > ALFRED > That, sir, does not computer. TOM: Yeah, no kidding! > > BRUCE > First Ivy had an intoxicating effect > on both Dick and me. Tonight my > feelings spread to someone else. MIKE: Kathy Lee. Really has me scared. > > ALFRED > Specify, please. > > BRUCE > Pamela Isley. I was so attracted to > her I couldn't reason clearly. I > still can't. She used to work for > Wayne Enterprises. Find a file. TOM: He's treating Al like "Bob"! > > ALFRED > Coming on line now, sir. MIKE: Suddenly Al GPFs and the Batcomputer crashes! Al needs to be defragmented! > > A spinning Isley appears on the monitor. TOM: And then virtual barf spews. > > BRUCE > What was her area of research? > > Study and report titles scroll up the side of the image. > > ALFRED > Advanced botany. DNA splicing. > Recombinant animal plant patterns. > Pheromone extractions. TOM: Varsity Football. > > BRUCE > Pheromones? > > ALFRED > Glandular secretions from animals. > Scents that create powerful > emotions. Fear. Rage... MIKE: The need to shop. > > BRUCE > Passion. Of course. Find the photo > of Ivy after the flower ball. > > A spinning Ivy appears beside the spinning Isley. TOM: I'm getting dizzy! > > BRUCE > Deconstruct and resolve. > > Schematics of various features, finger and retina prints, > height, weight, are highlighted and compared. All match. TOM: Yeah, and you got all this data on Ivy(tm) from . . . > > BRUCE > Amazing what a good wig and contact > lenses can do. And I thought Clark > Kent got away with murder just > wearing those glasses. TOM: You'll notice Clark can maintain a stable relationship, so don't get too cynical, Batboy. > > Suddenly ALERT panels start flashing. ALARMS SOUND. > > BRUCE > What is it? TOM : Approaching final arc of movie, prepare for more bad writing! > > ALFRED > It appears, sir, that someone has > stolen the batsignal. MIKE: Last time they found it up on cinderblocks. > >408A INT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT > > Barbara is still hacking away at the disk. > > COMPUTER > Access code accepted. > > BARBARA > This better be one hell of a > secret. MIKE: Maybe the disk has the real script. > > She hits a key. a Pictures begin to reflect in the dark of > her eye. > > BARBARA > Oh my God. TOM: It's full of stars . . . > >409 EXT. GOTHAM STREET > > Freeze's trucks SCREECH to a stop, Freeze and Bane at the > helm. TOM : I want to drive! > > FREEZE > No matter what they tell you, it's > the size of your gun that counts. CROW: So it is about the gear! > >410 PAN UP MIKE: Colander down. > > The giant TELESCOPE of the Gotham Observatory aims into > the night. > >411 CAMERA CONTINUES UP to the heavens as the BATSIGNAL > appears in the sky. Then something amazing happens. The > familiar beacon turns blood red, the shape within changing > from a bat to bird. THE ROBIN SINGAL shines over Gotham. TOM: Great. They screwed with the signal LAST movie. MIKE: You're in trouble when your sequel rips off the previous sequel and that sequel stank too. > >412 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > THE ROBIN SIGNAL glows on the central monitor. > > WIDER > > Bruce stands in civvies talking to Dick who is suiting up. TOM: Try some flowers, women love flowers. Well, I think they do . . > > DICK > That's no batlight, it's a birdcall. > > BRUCE > Her name is Pamela Isley. I saw > her talking to Gordon. She must > have stolen his keys, altered > the signal- TOM: Worked with the scriptwriter. > > DICK > And she did it all for me. For love. MIKE: Yeah, Dick has grown up very healthy living her with Bruce. > > BRUCE > She's infected us with some kind of > pheromone extract- > > DICK > Is that it, Bruce? I'm under some > magic spell? > > BRUCE > She wants to kill you. CROW: I am just extrapolating, but why not! > > DICK > You'd say anything to keep me away > from her. To keep her for yourself. MIKE: Yeah. Sure. > > BRUCE > You once said to me that being > part of a team means trusting > your partner. that sometimes > counting on someone else is the > only way to win. Do you remember? > > Dick doesn't answer. > > BRUCE > You weren't just talking about being > partners. You were talking about > being a family. Well, once of our > family is dying. I'm not going to > lose everyone I've ever loved. So I'm > asking you now, friend, partner, > brother will you trust me? > >413-415 OMITTED MIKE: Scene of actual human emotion omitted for intimacy. > >416 INT. OBSERVATORY - TOWER PLATFORM > > The Scientist and his Associate stand amidst the debris > from the party, testing the telescope. (OVER) A TREMENDOUS > SMASHING. > > ON THE FLOOR BELOW Freeze and Bane Enter. > > FREEZE > Hi. Sorry about the door. Is the > party over? MIKE: About halfway through scene 2, actually. > > BANE begins pulling charges from his satchel and setting > them around the room. > > SCIENTIST > Who the hell is this nutball? > >417 Freeze points up, FIRES a cryonic BLAST at him, turning > him to ice. > > FREEZE > That's Mr. Nutball to you. Half a > set of bookends. > (to the Associate) > You. Go like this. > > Freeze pantomimes the Scientist's frozen expression of > terror for the Associate. The Associate, terrified, > imitates Freeze's move. MIKE: Then Freeze(tm) busts a move. > > FREEZE > No. move your hands up. Higher. > Now a hint more fear. Excellent. > >418 Freeze fires another BLAST, freezing the Associate in > the same position as the Scientist. > > FREEZE > A matched pair. Sometimes I exceed > even my wildest expectations. CROW: You know, the scriptwriter said the same thing, but I don't think it was as meaningful . . . > > Freeze smiles at the mighty telescope. MIKE: Only you understand me, telescope, only you . . . > > FREEZE > If revenge is a dish best served > cold, then put on your Sunday > finest. It's time to feast. > >419 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT > > Dark. Dormant. The automatic activation sequence engages. > Ambient lights come on. Computers flicker into life. > > The giant Batmobile pedestal begins to rise. On it, no > car but a single figure standing now in the center of the > cave. Barbara. > >419A BARBARA - CLOSE. Eyes wide with awe. TOM : And I was just looking for the bathroom! > > Barbara walks to the main terminal of the Batcomputer. > Touches the console. The Alfred simulation appears on > screen. MIKE: Max Headroom, the declining years. > > BARBARA > Uncle Alfred? > > ALFRED > In spirit only, I'm afraid. > > BARBARA > The boys need help. MIKE : No kidding! > >420 The image of Alfred stares at her a beat. Then smiles. > > ALFRED > Your mother would be proud. > >421 MAIN SCREEN - CLOSE. Flickers into life. Costume > schematics turn. > > ALFRED > Forgive my being personal, dear > girl, but I must know your size. > >421A EXT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS > > Robin arrives the entrance to the dark baths, lush, > inviting, mysterious. MIKE: Just as Robin(tm) ALWAYS remembered them. > He passes the giant bird signal > chained to the door, the spotlight shutting out as he > disappears inside. TOM: Ivy(tm) and Bane forgot to pay the power bill! > >422 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS > > Giant floral fans spin. Leaf curtains undulate. Fruits > burst with color. In the center of the cave, a giant bed > of buds. Ivy touches the buds. All instantly blossom. > > ROBIN (OVER) > Is your thumb the only part of > you that's green? ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww! > > Ivy looks up. A figure stands in the darkness. She smiles. > > IVY > You'll just have to find out. > > Ivy extends her hand. Robin steps out of the shadows. > >423 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TOWER PLATFORM - NIGHT TOM: Symbolic? You be the judge. > > Freeze attaches the icing engine to the telescope. Bane > finishes laying his explosive charges, joins Freeze. > > FREEZE > Big family? Like pets? Don't talk > much, do you? MIKE: It just saves the scriptwriter from having to think, Freeze(tm). > >424 Freeze engages the engine. Suddenly the entire pedestal > is washed in a blue wave of freezing cryonic energy. TOM: Leaving an almondy-fresh scent. > >425 EXT. OBSERVATORY - NIGHT > > The ambient ice wave spreads down, encasing the old > structure. The nearby banks whiten, turning into snow > cliffs, the river freezing into an icy channel. The > Observatory has transformed into a fortress of ice. > >426 INT. BATCAVE > > A SERIES OF SHOTS. CROW: Strike the writer. He falls dead. > Boots are pulled on. A slim utility > belt LOCKS. A cape WHIPS over a lithe female back. MIKE: I'd try to enjoy this, but I can't. CROW: It's OK. > >427 INT. BLOSSOM STREET TURKISH BATHS > > Ivy sits on the bed, draws Robin down beside her, faces > close. > > IVY > I'm glad you came. I can't breathe > without you. MIKE : Uh, then shouldn't you be dead by now. > > ROBIN > I want us to be together. But I > need to know you're serious about > turning over a new leaf. I need a > sign. > > IVY > How about dangerous curves? TOM: How about STOP. > > ROBIN > Of trust. Tell me your plan. > > IVY > Kiss me and I'll tell you > > ROBIN > Tell me and I'll kiss you. MIKE: If someone ends the script, I'll kiss them! > > IVY > Freeze has turned the new telescope > into a freezing gun. He's about to > turn Gotham into an ice cube. MIKE: A dirty, smelly, foul, crime-ridden icecube, but an icecube nonetheless! > > ROBIN > (recoiling) > I've got to stop him. > > IVY > (pulling him back in) > One kiss, my love. For luck. > > Robin can't resist. They kiss. Ivy pulls back, holds his > gaze. CROW: Then juggles it. > > IVY > Bad luck, I'm afraid. it's time to > die, little bird. > > ROBIN > What do you mean? MIKE: Sheeesh! > > IVY > You should have heeded your pointy > eared pal. These lips can be murder. > > ROBIN > Then you never loved me? > > IVY > Love you? I loathe your bipedal > arrogance, your animal superiority. > My only joy is knowing that even now > my poison kiss is sucking the life > from your ape-like face. > > VOICE(OVER) > I'm not saying I told you so. TOM: But I told you so. > >428 Ivy spins. From the shadows, a figure emerges. Batman. > > IVY > You're too late. Say bye-bye birdie. > > ROBIN > Sorry to disappoint you. But rubber > lips are immune to your charms. MIKE: Of course, since it was a French kiss, your tongue poured poison right down my throat, but I consider this a tactical victory anyway. > > Robin peels a rubber coating from his mouth. Ivy stares > in dismay. TOM: Was this some twisted metaphor for safe sex? > >428A BATMAN > Robin and I found the cure to your > evil spell. And that's teamwork. MIKE: Family values. Of some kind. > >428B Then she SCREAMS her rage. She shoves Robin into the > lily pool, the Boy Wonder immediately tangled into predatory > vines. TOM: Ah, more plot devices. MIKE: Let's hope he doesn't catch McGregor's Syndrome from them. > >428C MORE VINES wrench Batman hanging upside down to the > ceiling, the stalks squeezing our heroes. > > IVY > Sorry, boys, my vines have a little > crush on you. CROW: I think the smarmyness level has just gone critical in this Bathhouse. > > Ivy begins leaping across lily pads towards the exit. > > IVY > Gotta run. So many people to kill. > So little time. > >429/430 OMITTED TOM: Actual plot and characterization omitted for clarity. > >431 THE SKYLIGHT - EXPLODES. The room fills with moonlight. MIKE: Fast moonlight? > >432 A figure comes flipping down from above. Long cape. Tall > ears. Black leather. BATGIRL. TOM: Or Madonna. We're not sure. > > BATGIRL > You're about to become compost. > >433 Ivy and Batgirl begin a furious martial arts battle. > (CHOREOGRAPHY TO COME). TOM: We'll ask several pimply repressed teenage nerds what kind of fight would turn them on, then film it. > > BATMAN pulls a bat-knife, begins cutting himself free. > > ROBIN struggles to untangle himself from the aquatic vines. > > BATGIRL is fighting Ivy, feet flying, hands moving like > lighting. MIKE: Apparently they're kung-fu fighting. > > BATGIRL > Using feminine wiles to get what > you want. Trading on your looks. > Exploiting men's weakness for sex. > Read a book, sister. That passive- > aggressive crap went out in the > seventies. Chicks like you give > women a bad name. CROW: Alicia? SO DO YOU! > > BATMAN deftly slashes through his captor vines. > > ROBIN struggles, trying to free himself MIKE: And escape to a real film. > > IVY gets the upper hand, backs Batgirl against the wall. > > IVY > As I told lady freeze when I pulled > her plug, this is a one woman show. > > BATGIRL > I don't think so. > >434-437 OMITTED MIKE: Catfight omitted for clarity. > >438 Batgirl grabs Ivy's hair, knocking her out with a knee > to the forehead, then batcuffs her. > > BATMAN cuts himself freed, drops to the floor to face Batgirl. > > ROBIN pulls himself, dripping, from the pool. MIKE : Uh, we'd have helped you if you needed it. Yeah. Sure. > >438A BATMAN > And you are? > > BATGIRL > Batgirl. > > BATMAN > That's not awfully PC. How about > Batwoman? Batperson? CROW: Batthing. Batbeing. Batsentient. > > BATGIRL > It's me. Barbara. I found the cave. > > ROBIN > We gotta get those locks changed. > > BATMAN > She knows who we are. CROW: She knows what we want! > > ROBIN > I guess we'll just have to kill her. TOM AND MIKE: Do it! Do it! > > BATMAN > Kill her later. We've got work to do. > >439 The three heroes race into the night. > >440 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > Freeze stands on the platform, giant telescope in his > hands. (OVER) approaching SIRES. > > FREEZE > 1-Adam 12, 1-Adam-12, see the mad > scientist with the freezing ray. TOM: 1-Adam 12, 1-Adam-12, see the terrible script, over. > >441 A SQUAD OF CRUISERS SCREAM up the avenue towards the > observatory, their bubble lights flashing. > > FREEZE > Cops on the rocks, anyone? CROW: I prefer my cops straight up . . . > >442/443 OMITTED > >444 He FIRES a giant blue beam of cryonic energy at the > street below. > >445 THE COP CARS become skidding, SCREECHING cubes of ice, > They SHASH into each other, EXPLODE into a pyre of raging > flames. > > FREEZE > Police are so hot tempered these > days. Don't you agree, Mr. Bane? > >446-448 OMITTED CROW: Bane's witty responses omitted. > >449 EXT. FROZEN RIVER BANKS > > A sleek one man ice sail (THE BATSLED) blows out onto > the frozen water. Robin is at the helm. MIKE: Realizing his driving lesions had NEVER prepared him for this. > >450 A modified white Batmobile on rocket skis (THE > BATHAMMER), BLASTS onto the ice, falling in alongside > the Batsled. Batman drives. > > A single-bladed, rocket snowcylce (THE BATBLASE), whips > onto the ice, falling into the attack line. Batgirl helms > the craft. > > The bat-force BLASTS upriver towards the icy Observatory. TOM: Hoping, hoping, that they can have one more pointless fight and end the movie. > >452 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - ELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > TELESCOPE VIEWFINDER - CLOSE. The Batvehicles are visible > through the lens. > >453 FREEZE > Ivy failed to unmask the Dynamic > Duo. No matter, the Bat and Bird are > mine at last. Watch, Batman, as your > beloved Gotham freezes. And prepare > to die. Because you're next. > > Freeze points the telescope downtown. He FIRES > >454 EXT. GOTHAM STREET - NIGHT > > Folks walking their dogs, drinking on stoops, kissing > against alley walls, mailboxes, lampposts, the pavement > itself, are all suddenly encased in glistening ice. TOM: I think Gotham(tm) is in Wisconsin. > >455 EXT. OBSERVATORY RIVER BANKS - NIGHT > > FREEZE (OVER) > The Bat-allion approaches. icemen. > Attack. MIKE: Yeah, forget my giant freezing cannon, you guys go waste your lives. > > FREEZE'S TRUCK bursts through the mists, BLASTING down the > frozen river on blades, two pairs of icemen hanging from > tail lines on skis, machine guns BLAZING. > >456 INT. BATHAMMER - NIGHT > > BATMAN > Attack plan alpha. CROW: Aiyiaiyiaiyiaiyiaiyi! MIKE: Stop that. CROW: If you play that backwards, did you know it sounds like Xena? TOM: Crow, seriously. Shut up. > > Batman peels left. > >457 EXT. BATSLED - NIGHT > > ROBIN > Alpha. Roger. MIKE: That's Bruce, you dunderhead. > > Robin peels right. > >458 EXT. BATBLADE - NIGHT > > BATGIRL > Alpha. Got it. > (a beat) > What the hell is attack plan Alpha? > >459 EXT. BATSLED - NIGHT > > ROBIN > Divide and conquer. MIKE: Oh, that clears up EVERYTHING. > > Robin is flying downriver. One pair of icemen sweep out > alongside the truck, heading towards Robin's billowing > craft, guns FIRING. MIKE: Don't these guys have missiles? Grenades? CROW: Maybe freeze blew all his budget on keeping his hideout cold. > >460 EXT. BATBLADE - NIGHT > > A second pair of skiing icemen whip towards Batgirl, their > guns SPITTING rounds of shells into the ice around her. > >460A EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK > > Side mounted rocket launchers FIRE towards the Bathammer, > BLOWING holes in the ice. MIKE: Er, Bruce, you missed. > >461 EXT. BATHAMMER > > Batman maneuvers, managing to swerve around the sudden, > steaming pools. He GUNS the TURBOS, heading straight > for the truck. > >462 EXT. BATSLED > > The two icemen bearing down on Robin release their > tethers, converging on the Batsled, guns FIRING madly. > > ROBIN > Tack. > > Robin pulls the boom and the sail LUFFS. His boat suddenly > changes course and the two skiers COLLIDE, flying onto the > ice. TOM: So he likes to just say what he's going to do, then do it. CROW: Kinda like those old anime. > > ROBIN > Boy, I hope Freeze hires these guys > by the dozen. > >463-470 OMITTED CROW: And here is where we find out that Freeze(tm) hires these guys on a rotating discount basis. > >471 EXT. BATBLADE > > The skiers are closing fast. Batgirl hits a key and a > status panel displays a menu of the Batblade's special > modifications. > > BATGIRL > Nice extras package. TOM: It's about the gear. > >472 PANEL - CLOSE. Barbara selects a setting called Ice > Cutter. MIKE: Not knowing what it does. Sure. > >473 THE BATBLADE scythe peels back, revealing a sharper blade. > >474 BATGIRL uses her deft driving skills to spin and side- > skid, her blade sending a wave of frozen ice into the > faces of the icemen, the villains tumbling in backwards > somersaults across the ice. > > BATGIRL > That's what I call a close shave. > >475-477 OMITTED TOM: And here Batman(tm) makes biting, insightful commentary on the large amount of one-liners. > >478 EXT. BATHAMMER > > Batman is shooting the center of the frozen river, heading > straight for the ice truck, its side guns BLAZING. > >479 OMITTED MIKE: Suddenly, all action ceases as we leave stuff out. > >480 INT. BATHAMMER > > Batman hits a control stud. > >481/482 OMITTED MIKE: At this point, the writer's feeble imagination couldn't figure out how to describe pushing a button. > >482A EXT. BATHAMMER > > Two torpedoes shoot out of the Bathammer chassis, hitting > the frozen river directly in front of Freeze's truck, ice > flying skyward in a tremendous EXPLOSION. > >482B EXT. FREEZE TRUCK > > The driver can't swerve in time, the hole in the ice dead > ahead. TOM: Should have put on his tire chains. > >482C EXT. FREEZE TRUCK > > The truck hits the steaming pool, flipping up, nose > first, and begins to sink into the icy waters. > >482D INT. BATHAMMER > > Batman races past the sinking truck, Icemen crawling to > safety. > > BATMAN > Don't sink and drive. CROW: Yeah, don't act and walk at the same time either. > >482E EXT. FROZEN RIVER > > Under the pulse of Freeze's BEAMS hitting the city, the > Batvehciles fire TURBOS, closing in on the Observatory. > >483 INT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - TELESCOPE PLATFORM - NIGHT > > Freeze tilts his gun down towards the frozen river below. > > FREEZE > Not so fast. Time you cooled your > heals. > > Freeze FIRES. MIKE: Mr. Freeze(tm), is it too early to note that you probably could have done that earlier? > >484 EXT. FROZEN RIVER - NIGHT > > The frozen channel ahead of the bat-force is hit by the > FREEZING RAY. A giant wall of rock-hard ice forms, block- > ing the river. > >485 INT. BATHAMMER - NIGHT > > Batman hits a console stud marked: EMERGENCY BURN. MIKE: And he feels the burn. CROW: I feel the burn too, but not the way you'd think. > >486-488 OMITTED TOM: Burn omitted so you can't feel it. > >488A EXT. FROZEN RIVER > > The Bathammer engines ROAR, the Bathammer BLOWING straight > through the frozen wall in an EXPLOSION of ice. > >488B THE BADTBLADE and the BATSLED shoots up the face of the ice > wall on either side of the Bathammer, soaring over the > top of the mountain of snow. MIKE: Then Batgirl(tm) and Robin(tm) crash to the ice, bloody, icy pulps of their former selves. TOM: Hold on Mike.