*SOL. CROW AND TOM ARE SITTING IN CHAIRS HIGHLY REMINICENT OF THE PAINFUL DEVICES GAME SHOW PARTICIPANTS SIT IN.* CROW: Beef brisket. Urinalisis. Video capture. Microphones. A lady's hairnet. TOM: *THOUGHTFUL* Howard Stern. CROW: *DELIGHTED* Nope! Your turn! *MIKE ENTERS. THE BOTS DON'T NOTICE HIM.* TOM: Kabuki. Patricia Tallman. A weasel. Doctor Seuss. Cyanide. CROW: Ummmmm... Patrick Stewart! TOM: No! Your turn. MIKE: Excuse me? What's going on? TOM: Hi Mike! We were playing Twenty Questions but it was too easy... CROW: *INTERRUPTING* With our highly advanced robot brains and all... TOM: *CONTINUING* So we invented a new game, Five Answers! You give Five Answers and the other player has to guess what you're thinking about... MIKE:...With your highly advanced Robot Brains. TOM: Exactly. CROW: Sure. MIKE: Are these the same highly advanced Robot Brains that forgot to clean up the load bay, Crow? CROW: Um... yeah. MIKE: And Tom, are these the same Robot brains that left sixteen pairs of jockey shorts clogging the antimatter relase valve on the warp core? TOM: Yeah. MIKE: And what are your scores? CROW: Er....10,167 rounds, and it's zero to zero. MIKE: I see. *COMMERCIAL SIGN, MIKE REACHES TO HIT IT* MIKE: We'll be right back. *FADE TO COMMERCIAL* TOM: *VOICE-OVER* Mike, we don't have a warp core . . . MIKE: Fell for it, didn't you? *COMMERCIALS.* *SOL. THE LIGHT IS FLASHING WHILE MIKE IS TALKING TO CROW AND TOM.* MIKE: No it wasn't anti-robot, it was... hold it, Mama and the Papas are calling. *MIKE taps the Mad light.* *CASTLE FORRESTER. PEARL is there, smiling. Castle Forrester looks like it's under renovation. Bobo and Observer are in the background cleaning, wearing maid's outfits. Suffice to say it isn't pretty.* PEARL: *FRIENDLY* Hi guy. How are things up on Deep Space Nine And A Half Weeks? *SOL. MIKE AND THE BOTS LOOK CONCERNED* MIKE: Umm. Hi Pearl. What's up? *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: Well, Nelbaby, we're just doing a little spring cleaning around old Castle Forrester. Bobo's getting rid of the excess garbage, Brain Guy is behind me sweeping and dusting the place. Want me to send them up there and clean up around the Satellite when they finish up here? *SOL* CROW: She's being friendly, Mike. I don't like the looks of this TOM: Yeah, Mike this is starting to disturb me MIKE: That's nice and all, but why not just have Brain Guy use his semi- omnipotent powers to instantly clean the place up? *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: *pouts* You're no fun. MIKE: Sorry... PEARL: Well, I'm in a good mood today, so.... *OBSERVER WALKS ONTO THE SCENE, PUSHING A LARGE BOX.* OBSERVER: Excuse me Pearl, victims. Pearl, this just arrived for you. PEARL: Hmmmm. It's from my Tom Beckett fan club! Open it up, will you Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Well, since I'm apparently still servile...*CONCENTRATES* *THE BOX SPRINGS OPEN. FROM OUT OF IT POPS... CLAYTON FORRESTER? NO, A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT APPEARANCE, ELECTRIC BLUE LAB COAT, BLUE GLASSES AND A MORE HONEST SMIRK CONTAINING DARKER EVIL MARK HIM AS CLAYTON'S BROTHER SHERWOOD (SPECIAL GUEST STAR TRACE BEAULIEU), WHO ONCE INFLICTED "BATMAN FOREVER" ON THE SOL CREW.* SHERWOOD: Mom! *HUGS PEARL* PEARL: I... er... Sherwood? SHERWOOD: Yes, it's me! I survived that terrible space accident! Aren't you happy to see me? PEARL: *MONOTONE* Ecstatic. SHERWOOD: *ENTHUSIASTIC* And how are you? I'm so glad to see Mom has a boyfriend, you know. So, what are we all up to? OBSERVER: *SOFTLY* Preparing to retch. PEARL: Cleaning, Sherwood, and I'm glad your alive....sort of. In an abstract, impersonal way. Anyway... SHERWOOD: Cleaning? Great! It'll give us a chance to catch up! Just let me see if I can find a mop and some gloves. *WANDERS OFF* OBSERVER: Your second son is...enthusiastic. PEARL: He's a jerk. *SOL* MIKE: Well, we don't want to spoil the reunion, so you said you'd...er, give us a break, and... *CASTLE FORRESTER* PEARL: If I suffer, you suffer Hamsters-in-the-Heavens. Time for another example of a first-rate film being based on a third-rate script. Suck down "The Fifth Element". It's a coup de'tat of the most sinister variety. It stars mostly a perpetually drowsy Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman and comedian Chris Tucker, funky names and funky clothes. Just imagine Bruce Willis in a weird-ass orange t-shirt while you choke on this one! *SOL. LIGHTS ARE FLASHING* ALL: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN! *They run off into the theater while CROW mutters something about "Why'd HE return?"* *They enter the theater* TOM: Well, that makes today exceptionally crappy. MIKE: Let's hope he doesn't give Pearl any more ideas of what to send us CROW: You're telling me, Mike... *CROW has his old Trace Beaulieu voice back* TOM: Crow, what happened to your voice? CROW: What about it? I've always had this voice... MIKE: It changed mysteriously back to the way it used to be CROW: Your point is.... MIKE: *shakes head* Okay, let's try not to think about it. Survive the movie, that should be our first priority BOTS: RIGHT! The Fifth Element TOM: Boron? An original script by Luc Besson CROW: Besson, you is my woman now. Revisions by Luc Besson MIKE: A guy so important we named him twice and Robert Mark Kamen TOM: I Kamen, I saw, I turned around and went home August 1995 Draft MIKE: Miller August 1995 Draft, cool as a mountain stream Gaumont and Les Films du Dauphin CROW: The Les films the better FADE IN: 1 EXT. DESERT NILE RIVER VALLEY - DAY MIKE: *Martin Sheen* The Nile....crap....why did they have to send me back to the Nile Somewhere in the Nile at the edge of the desert. CREDITS ROLL TOM: OVER HUNDREDS OF TOURISTS WRITTEN: EGYPT 1913 MIKE: This script's been in development a LONG time! TOM: Typical Hollywood. OMAR and his mule zigzag along the bottom of sun scorched dunes. CROW: *Cheech* Feel anything, man? TOM: *Chong* No way man. I'm scorched, man. 2 EXT. TEMPLE EXCAVATION - DAY The mule and the boy finally reach a camp. A few tents dwarfed by a huge temple door jutting out of the sand. The camp is deserted except for some kids by the temple entrance holding large mirrors, reflecting light into the temple. TOM: *Old Man voice* HEY, WHO'S SHININ' THAT LIGHT, DANG WHIPPER-SNAPPERS! Omar leaves his mule in the shade, seizes two goatskins and slips inside the temple. MIKE: Please say he doesn't slip inside the goatskins 3 INT. TEMPLE - DAY Omar makes his way uneasily down a pillared corridor that opens into a vast roomwhere an old scientist stands on a small wooden ladder in front of the wall across the room. PROFESSOR MASSIMO PACOLI. A young man is beside him, BILLY MASTERSON, age 25, an American student. He has a large sketchpad in his hands. Behind them AZIZ, age 10, whose job is to hold the last mirror which shines light into the expansive room. MIKE: We won't actually explain this in dialogue, we'll just do it here and get it out of the way. PROFESSOR (deciphering) "..when the three planets are in eclipse.." TOM: *PROFESSOR* You will have permission to bite me PROFESSOR "..the black hole like a door is open... Evil comes ... sowing terror and chaos..." MIKE: Hey, didn't Jim Morrison say that? See? The snake, Billy. The Ultimate Evil CROW: The snake Billy? MIKE: Yep, and the Scorpion Al. Evil guys, don't rewind their videos. ... make sure you get the snake! TOM: *BILLY* Umm…..why? The Professor points emphatically to the snake, the symbol of Evil, CROW: Except for many American Tribes, Celtic... MIKE: Well, the symbol of evil in the cultures that really matter, right? coming through the door between the three planets in eclipse. C.U. Billy's hand sketches the snake quickly. He is a natural artist. TOM: Can you draw evil? If you can, you can be a professional artist! BILLY And when is this door opening snake act supposed to occur? MIKE: Right after the Trapeze act and the Lion Tamer, DUH! The Professor's fingers touch the signs. PROFESSOR ..if this is the five..and this the thousand.. TOM: Then this must be...TELEMUNDO! He calculates. ALL: UGH! PROFESSOR Every five thousand years.. TOM: The Packers win the Super Bowl.... *dramatic pause* ALL: PACKERS!! WHOO-HOO!!! BILLY (kidding) So I have some time.. He reaches for the pad. CROW: Ah, that time of month again . . . ANGLE ON: Omar. Standing at the entrance to the chamber with the water bag, entranced by the sight. A skeletal hand falls on his shoulder. Omar turns to an ancient PRIEST in a rough milled black cannock. TOM: Roving confessional! Done anything particularly foul lately? PRIEST I will take it to them my son. Startled but obedient, Omar gives the water bag to the Priest. PRIEST Go with God.. be safe from Evil.. TOM: Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out! MIKE: Don't eat the yellow snow! CROW: Don't whiz on any electric fences! TOM: Have fun storming the castle! The Priest makes the sign of the Cross on the boy's forehead, dismissing him. As soon as he is gone, the Priest turns a worried eye to the Professor. MIKE: And Mary Ann. ANGLE ON: The Professor is back to translating, Billy to sketching. CROW: Ah, life goes on PROFESSOR "..then arrange the elements of life against the Terror just so.." TOM: *PROFESSOR* No! Move it to the left! Higher! Back a little! ahhh, you movers suck! His fingers run on. CROW: As does his mouth PROFESSOR "..Water..fire..earth..air..four elements around the fifth.." MIKE: Are they trying call Captain Planet? His fingers fall on the one element that has a human shape, surrounded by all the others. The Priest opens the water skin and begins to pour a vial of powder into the skin. CROW: A vial of COLUMBIAN powder. MIKE and TOM: Crow... ANGLE ON: Aziz falling asleep. The mirror falls, the light fails. CROW: And has to repeat the 9th grade PROFESSOR Aziz! Light! The boy struggles to stay awake. The mirror comes up. PRIEST Lord forgive me.. they already know too, much.. TOM: Not that we can tell... PROFESSOR "..in which all the history of the Universe resides ..all the strength..all the hope..Protect us from Evil.." MIKE: *Buckaroo Banzai* Pure and simple from the Eighth Dimension! PRIEST (V.O.) Amen.. The Professor turns to the Priest who is pouring water into a tin cup from the skin. CROW: Say when MIKE: Keep going CROW: Say when.. MIKE: Keep going.. CROW: SAY WHEN! MIKE: Okay, when PROFESSOR Father.. it in the most extraordinary thing.. the greatest find in history..can you imagine the implications. TOM: We can pad this script for HOURS! PRIEST Only too well... here you must be parched.. MIKE: Actually I'd rather be parched over there He hands the cup to the Professor. The Professor takes it, has it almost to his lips when.. TOM:...Gilligan comes out of the jungle to begin another wacky adventure! PROFESSOR I mean look.. it is like a battle plan.. MIKE: *PROFESSOR* It is also causing me to stop using contractions. CROW: *PROFESSOR* See? the Germans are coming out of the north across Belguim to close in on the French in a pincers movement In his excitement he does not drink, much to the Priest's chagrin. PROFESSOR Here the Good.. Here the Evil.. As the Priest looks up, Aziz the mirror boy, tips his mouth under the water skin, drinking the leakage. MIKE: Kids come running for the rich taste of leakage! PROFESSOR Here.. He points to the Five Elements. TOM: The Five Elements? I LOVE them, they're my FAVORITE Motown group PROFESSOR A weapon against evil. Amazing! I am going to be famous. MIKE: Yeah, chicks and money just flow to guys who find weapons against evil. PRIEST Then let us toast to your fame! Here Billy.. The Priest hands Billy a cup. CROW: *PRIEST* Now PEE! PRIEST Drink! PROFESSOR To fame.. TOM: To cheese toast! MIKE: To Penthouse Magazine! CROW: To Flubber! TOM: What? salud.. The Professor raises the cup to drink, and then... PROFESSOR We cannot toast with water.. Billy ! CROW: Yeah and it's bad to stick a fork in there, too In my sack.. the Grappa! TOM: He's going to Grappa with some issues... MIKE and CROW: *groan* The Priest watches, disconsolate, as the Professor tosses away his water. Billy finishes his cup before running off into the tunnel. CROW: *BILLY* Ullllgggghhhhrrrrrggghhhh.....Grappa! TOM: Maybe he's going to get his Grappa-ling hook? CROW: You wanna smack him Mike, or should I? MIKE: If someone needs to, I will. 4 EXT. COLONNADE - DAY TOM: Colonnade? isn't that what's your supposed to make whenever life gives you Colons? Hee hee MIKE: You can smack him if you want, I'm not really in the mood A muffled SOUND grows steadily louder. Outside, a monstrous linear shadow disturbs the kid's game and gradually darkens the temple entrance. MIKE: Oh no, it's Dennis Rodman... CROW: Looks kinda like the Underdog float, doesn't it 5 INT. TUNNEL - DAY Billy is looking for the grappa in the Professor's bag. TOM: *BILLY* Oooo, I know that goofy juice is somewhere... He comes upon a machine pistol. When the muffled SOUND suddenly grabs his attention. MIKE: It's the call of the night bird He leans toward the corridor and sees part of a spaceship appear. Billy is paralyzed. *CROW starts to open his mouth* MIKE: One Christopher Reeve joke and I will physically kill you, Crow 6 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The Professor keeps reading over the inscription. PROFESSOR "..this perfect person.. this perfect being.." I do not understand this.. perfect? MIKE: Buttwad... PROFESSOR Where is that boy? Billy! CROW: *PROFESSOR* You in my goofy juice again? 7 INT. TUNNEL - DAY Billy presses himself against the wall, in the shadows, terrified, but sketching away like mad, as large shadowed figures lumber past him. He begins to blink, feeling the effects of the Priest's potion.. CROW: Yep, that peyote punch really helps right now. TOM: What's with all the unneccesary spacing? MIKE: I don't know 8 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The Professor reads the wall. CROW: For a good time, call Ramses... PROFESSOR And this divine Light they talk about.. what is Divine light? At that moment, the reflection from Aziz's mirror drops again. The light fails. MIKE: Oh come on Aziz you can do better than that! PROFESSOR (without turning) Aziz light! TOM: The lower calorie Aziz The room is flooded with light all of the sudden. MIKE: Whoa. Way to go, Aziz! PROFESSOR Better.. this is the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen.. CROW: It's a shampoo AND conditioner IN ONE! The Professor turns around, and is stunned speechless to find himself face to face with two MONDOSHAWANS. A dozen others fill the hall manning the source of the light, large luminous globes. MIKE: Anna Nicole Smith? Aziz is fast asleep. TOM: and slow awake PROFESSOR (uncomprehending) MIKE: Pretty much his state for the film so far. ...Uh, yes? TOM: Have you been served? The Professor is lifted up and carried off to the side by the aliens. The KOMMANDER stops in front of the Priest who is still on his knees, face to the ground. MIKE: *singing* Don't turn around... CROW and TOM: *singing* Wah-uh-oh! MIKE: *singing* Der Kommander's in town.. CROW and TOM: *singing* Wah-uh-oh! PRIEST Master... He was about to discover everything, but I had the situation under control. TOM: Uh oh, I'm having a Torgo flashback here CROW: Me too. MIKE: Who's Torgo? TOM: Imagine Ortega with more class and more knees. MIKE *thoughtful* Uh... thanks. The two MONDOSHAWAN GUARDS hold the professor three feet off the ground. PROFESSOR (in a panic) Who are you? TOM: *Lorien* Why are you here? MIKE: I see the inevitable B5 riffs are here, aren't they? TOM: They have always been here! CROW: You did ask for that one, Mike. MIKE: I always fall for that stuff, don't I? TOM: Pretty much... he he he! Are you Germans? CROW: Do you find me attractive? Sprechen Sie Deutsch? MIKE: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? 9 INT. TUNNEL Billy staggers forward, a machine pistol in his hand. CROW: Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun 10 INT. TEMPLE ROOM The KOMMANDER holds out his hand to the Priest. TOM: Do they HAVE to spell Kommander with a K? MIKE: Maybe they used Ratliff's spellchecker CROW: I believe you PRIEST What did I do wrong? TOM: Everything! CROW: You suck! MIKE: You're fired! The Priest jumps to his feet excitedly. TOM: The 5th Element Priest with excited jumping action KOMMANDER Servant, you and the thousand guards before you... You have done your work well, but we have to recover the elements. War will soon engulf your planet. We must keep them safe. MIKE: Since you'll probably wiz it anyway The Kommander goes over to the wall and seems to be looking for a lock. He finds it and slides in his metallic finger CROW: Go Go Gadget Finger! TOM: Ooh, that feels SO nice! MIKE: TOM! CROW: Yeah, Tom, making off color remarks is my job which is more intricate than a key to a safe. He turns his hand, activating a mechanism that opens the wall. PROFESSOR Unbelievable!!! MIKE: *PROFESSOR* It's not butter! The Kommander turns around and crooks a finger. TOM: Same to you, pal. One of the MONDOSHAWANS waves his hand, puts the professor to sleep CROW: It's Edward Anesthesiahands! and down the hallway revealed by the opening. He is followed by his men. The Priest slips in behind them. 11 INT. ROOM 2 TEMPLE - DAY The Kommander steps into a vast room. The ceiling is very high, pyramid-shaped. In each corner of the room, four vessels contain four rectangular twelve-inch stones-, the four elements. In the middle, an opaque sarcophagus rests on an altar. The Kommander stops and contemplates it a moment. MIKE: *KOMMANDER* Man, this is one goofy weapon! What the HELL were we thinking? PRIEST (to himself) The Fifth Element... TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, The Title! KOMMANDER Take them and put them in a safe place. CROW: *ahem* His men carry out his order. 12 INT. ROOM 1 TEMPLE - DAY Billy staggers across the floor, struggling to stay awake. TOM: And now, "The Fifth Element", performed by the Seattle Narcoleptic Thespian Society 13 INT. ROOM 2 TEMPLE - DAY The Kommander opens a case. ALL: Kegger! Woo-hoo! His men come and put the four, precious stones in it, one by one. PRIEST (moved) Will the elements be gone now forever from this place? TOM: Is the Pope Jewish? MIKE: Do chickens have lips? CROW: Is Fivush Finkel from Wisconsin? KOMMANDER When mankind comes to its senses. We will return. MIKE: In other words, don't hold your breath. PRIEST Knowing mankind as I do, that could take centuries! CROW: So don't wait up, Father KOMMANDER Time is of no importance, only life is important. TOM: I guess stuff like food, water and air don't count The Priest nods and lowers his eyes. MIKE: *PRIEST* I have to accept my species are weenies. Angle on: Billy staggering forward, raising his pistol, blinking his eyes to focus.. CROW: Grappa hit him hard A MONDOSHAWAN puts the fourth element in the case The Kommander shuts the case and looks at the Priest. KOMMANDER When EVIL returns so shall we. ALL: EVIL! PRIEST (head lowered) We will be ready, Lord. TOM: Make sure you don't overcook the baked potatoes! Billy suddenly staggers into the room, brandishing his gun. BILLY Stop. CROW: Hammer time! Billy trips, the gun goes off. TOM: The sun rises, the birds sing... He empties the clip. The Mondoshawan carrying the case crumples to the ground. CROW: All fall DOWN! The wall immediately begins to close. Billy fires wildly, unable to control the powerful kicking gun. PRIEST No!!! Don't!!! CROW: You'll draw out the plot! We have a chance to end it before Bruce Willis gets here! TOM: Billy, don't be a hero The Priest rushes Billy. The weapon has such a kick to it that Billy starts shooting into the air, backs up, then stumbles and knocks himself out. The Priest is on the ground, seriously wounded. So is the Kommander. The WARRIORS are in a panic. ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!! CLERK Hurry, Kommander! The wall's closing!!! The wall continues to close. Sand pours in from everywhere. The vast room fills up like an hourglass. TOM: Like sands in the booby trap, so are the days of our lives KOMMANDER A mission is a mission, Savoia. You'll learn that. CROW: Yeah, Kommander Krinkle Kut, you tell him! The wall closes, crushing his arm. The CLERK scoops up the case and runs through the huge piles of sand. MIKE: Is it Okay that I'm kinda lost? CROW: No. TOM: As far as I can tell the old priest doped up a kid by accident who endangered the world while on a gun-toting drug binge. *PAUSE* MIKE: Well, score one for Evil then. ALL: EVIL! 14 EXT. COLONNADE - DAY TOM: Hey I wonder if I can have some Pink Colonnade MIKE and CROW: Oh shut up, Tom! The CLERK boards the ship carrying the case. Omar hides in a corner, frightened to death, hugging Billy's bag of drawings. CROW: Hnnngggh don't touch my precioussss.... TOM: Protect me mighty sketchpad and deliver me from Evil! ALL: EVIL! 15 INT. TEMPLE ROOM - DAY The room fills with sand. The Priest's body is soon buried. TOM: The plot's holes will not soon be filled... CROW: Our boredom and confusion will not soon be healed... MIKE: Luc Besson will soon be a mad mad poopie... 16 EXT. DESERT - DAY The huge ship's main hatch closes. TOM: *singing* Say goodbye to Hollywood... NCC 535 EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The ship lifts off and speeds away. Omar emerges from the temple gaping at the ship as it vanishes in the sky. MIKE: *OMAR* Well, that's about it then. Back to work. 18 EXT. PYRAMIDS A gigantic shooting star flashes above the pyramids. CROW: Awww God the Kommander kut one 19 EXT. EARTH ORBIT The ship passes in front of us and heads for the stars disappearing at unbelievable speed. The background is a star- spattered cosmos. TOM: Star-spattered cosmos? Does the universe have diarrhea? CROW: Looks like Jack Kirby drew this one. WRITTEN: 500 YEARS LATER MIKE: Dear Diary, I killed a platypus today... CROW: 500 years later? we're in for the big-cosmic-timeline treatment, aren't we TOM: Looks like Another, more modern, spaceship, fills the screen. A warship belonging to the Federal Army. CROW: The Federal Army, we kill more people before 7 AM than most people do all day TOM: *effeminate* They're SO butch! I love them... 20 INT. SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM CU of a digital control screen. Three planets projecting three straight lines that crisscross at one point. Identical to the one observed by the professor on the temple wall. GENERAL STAEDERT looks out through the ship's window at one of the three huge planets in eclipse. CROW: Generic planets. Look for them in fine stores everywhere. STAEDERT Don't you have anything? Not even a temperature? MIKE: No sir, the doctor says it's just the sniffles TOM: Then you can't stay home from school MIKE: AWWW MOM! CAPTAIN The thermo-analyzers have jammed. One of them reads over a million degrees, the other's at minus 5000... Never seen anything like it. CROW: Stupid Belgian thermo-analyzers! TOM: It's 500 years later, and military technology is still malfunctioning crap built by the lowest bidder. TECHNICIAN It's taking shape. CROW: It's becoming a butter sculpture of Garth Brooks 21 EXT. SPACE In the middle of the shadows, a door to the nightmare has just opened. CROW: CREEEAAAAKKK TOM: *singing* Welcome to my nightmare... MIKE: Good one, Tom TOM: I gotta make up for the Grappa and Colonnade jokes. Evil is back. TOM: And this time, it's personal! MIKE: Unrewinded videotapes, overdue library books, THE HORROR! CROW: No, the evil A round, moving mass, continually changing color. MIKE: Or maybe it's just a flaw in your glasses. CAPTAIN (in awe) What the hell can it be? MIKE: Andy Rooney! TECHNICIAN Hook-up with the president in one minute, General. CROW: Leave the Captain's sex life outta this! General Staedert remains calm. MIKE: Since he has the emotional range of teak anyway. STAEDERT ...Send out a probe TOM: *STAEDERT* After years of aliens probing us, I want PAYBACK! 22 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MANHATTAN CROW: *BILL CLINTON* Monica...mmm...who's your daddy...who's your daddy… LINDBERG, 50, the president of the United Federations, his features lined and worn by various delegations, mainly military, enters his office. There's a crisis in the air. The President's AIDE leans down to his ear. MIKE: *whispering* Sir, you're not wearing any pants AIDE On air in 30 seconds. CROW: *Whispering* Remember, it's her word against yours. In the middle of the group is a Priest whose appearance reminds us of Egypt. TOM: He's a a long, fertile strip of land fed by a river. A younger man DAVID, 18, shy, a priest-in-training attends the old man. MIKE: Emergency backup priest, just in case. CROW: In case of Last Rites, break glass. 23 INT. CONTROL ROOM / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE CAPTAIN President on line sir.. MIKE: he's on alt.startrek.creative General Staedert leans over his screen and seems surprised to see the room but not the president. TOM: *STAEDERT* Er, sir, I am calling you from the crapper, sir. MIKE: What are you doing calling me on this wall! this is an unlisted wall! PRESIDENT (O.S.) Staedert, do you read me? CROW: No, that "It Takes a Village" book was much better. STAEDERT I can hear you, Mr. President, but I can't see you . MIKE: Too much alky-hol Mr President The President grabs the mini-camera on his desk and yanks it around to face him. His face fills the screen. ALL: AGH! MIKE: Jeez Louise give us a warning next time! PRESIDENT (exasperated) Is that better? MIKE: *sarcastic* Yeah, I'll vote for you now! STAEDERT Perfect, Mr. President. CROW: We found a growing mass of energy, can we keep him? PRESIDENT I have to address the Supreme Council in 10 minutes. Just the facts, General. MIKE: So it's not like the last time you had an "unauthorized use of firepower," get me jarhead? TOM: Yeah, President BUTTwad CROW: *PRESIDENT* What was that? I didn't hear you STAEDERT There are no results from the chemical and molecular analysis as of yet, all the calibers are overshot..we're hoping a thermo nucleatic imaging.. MIKE:...will sound vaguely scientifically feasable. PRESIDENT (exasperated) What you are saying is you don't know what this..thing..is. TOM: uh-oh, he's starting to Shatner.... *CROW and TOM make "Red Alert" sounds from the original series* Consternation reigns in the President's office. STAEDERT Not yet Sir..The only thing we know is it just keeps getting bigger! MIKE: It's a crisis situation, sir, we can't get it off the Stairmaster! CROW: I don't think that's what he meant, Mike MIKE: Oh PRESIDENT Options. TOM: Put head between legs, kiss butt goodbye STAEDERT Wait or act. MIKE: Thanks loads, Eisenhower PRESIDENT Recommendations. CROW: Wait...NO! ACT! no, Wait! no..ACT! STAEDERT My philosophy Mr. President is shoot first ask questions later. I don't like uninvited guests. CROW: I guess that explains the piles of Jehovah's Witnesses corpses out on the lawn PRESIDENT Gentlemen? TOM: START YOUR ENGINES! HEAD CHEMISTS I think it would be foolish to shoot at an organism that seems alive, without first taking the time to study it more! Besides, it has shown no signs of hostility. MIKE: Yeah why shoot at something that's ALIVE, that's no fun PRESIDENT (worried) No... it's just getting bigger. TOM: Pretend it's the deficit and you'll never notice HEAD CHEMISTS So do people, but that's no reason to shoot them. MIKE: That's why they have PhDs and we don't. TOM: Mike has a wart that's getting bigger...will he want to shoot it? MIKE: Hey! PRESIDENT (exasperated) The security of the Federated Territories is and remains number one priority. (to the military) I suppose General Staedert's "philosophy" is acceptable to you? All the Generals nod "yes" CROW: Military Careers for Lemmings really opened up in the future, didn't they PRESIDENT All right, then! Staedert? PRIEST (O.S.) Mr. President? The President scans the room. Staedert remote controls the camera toward the room. PRESIDENT ...Yes? The camera moves up the Priest and we finally discover his face. He is in his sixties, a shrewd look in his eyes. Around his neck hangs the Kommander's finger, the key to the temple. MIKE: I don't want to be crude, but I'm glad it was his finger that got caught, if you know what I mean. PRIEST Cornelius, Vito Cornelius. TOM: He's a bad mother... MIKE and CROW: Shut yo' mouth! TOM: I'm just talking about Cornelius 50th level parish. CROW: He's a 50th Level Parish? TOM: Man, now that's impressive, farthest I ever got was 20th Level Mage I have a different theory to offer you, Mr. President. PRESIDENT I'm listening. CROW: *CORNELIUS* Pixies, sir, big angry ones CORNELIUS Imagine for a moment that this. thing is not anything that can be identified because it MIKE: is wearing a Nixon mask!! prefers not to be, because it is the antithesis of all we are. Because it is evil.. TOTAL EVIL. CROW: SHATNERING to the left of me! SHATNERING to the right of me! MIKE: How come there's never a big growing mass of energy that's half evil and half Minnesotan? PRESIDENT (a little sarcastically) One more reason to shoot first eh? All the Generals nod in agreement. ALL: Kill, Kill, Annihilate, Kill, Kill, Kill! CORNELIUS Evil begets evil, Mr. President. TOM: And Lo, Evil begat Evil, who begat Ishmael, and Ishmael begat Humperdink who begat Big Eddie CROW: And there was much begetting... Shooting would only make it stronger. MIKE: *sarcastic* Or kill it, I can never quite figure out which...*sigh* CROW: Let's give Evil a big hug! 24 INT. SPACESHIP TECHNICIAN The probe will attain its objective in five seconds. Staedert moves closer to the ship's window. 25 EXT. SPACE. Evil swallows the probe and immediately bubbles over with activity like a furious volcano. CROW: Evil is probe intolerant! 26 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE STAEDERT Mr. President, we're at crisis point. TOM: We made a boo-boo The President looks puzzled. MIKE: *DUMB* Cr-eye-sis poi-unt? PRESIDENT Your theory is interesting Father but I don't think we have time to go into it right now! MIKE: It's almost time for Sunset Beach! CORNELIUS Time is of no importance, Mr. President. Only life is important. CROW: and Hamdingers TOM: and Ram Chips MIKE: and Ho-Ho's TOM: and Reese's Pieces CROW: and clothespins on my nipples MIKE: and Ho-Ho's CROW: What the smeg are you on about, Mike? MIKE: I don't know, I just like saying Ho-Ho's...did you just say smeg? PRESIDENT (exasperated) That's exactly what we are going to try and do: Protect the lives of some 200 billion of our fellow citizens! General? You may fire when ready. MIKE: So now he's Grand Moff Tarkin CROW: More like Grand Bran Muffin. 27 INT. SPACESHIP STAEDERT (cold) (to the CAPTAIN) ..Up front loading of a 120 ZZR missile. TOM: ZZR? CROW: Zanzibar's Zebra Roundup? MIKE: Zeedance Zeerwater Revival? Marker lights on the objective. CROW: *Radio Voice* Roger. We're ready to Corman the Mork and drop our pants for the Big Booty, over and out! 28 EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP All of a sudden, outside the ship, the strange planet's activity ceases. A black crust immediately covers it. CROW: I said 20 minutes at 450 degrees you idiot! MIKE: Whoops, looks like evil dehydrated! TOM: Evil should moisturize more. 29 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST (consulting new data) Its structure has just solidified on the surface, as if the object felt something. If that's the case, we are undoubtedly dealing with an intelligence. CORNELIUS The most terrible intelligence imaginable, Mr. President. TOM: Pat Buchanan? The President hesitates. CROW: An uncertain politician? There's something you don't see every day. CAPTAIN ...The ship is in combat formation. The missile is loaded, General. MIKE: The bees are stinging and the spiders are crawling TOM: Mike, you're scaring me PRESIDENT (uneasy) Staedert? Give me a minute... I have a doubt. STAEDERT (cold) I don't, Mr. President. MIKE: Trigger-Happy much, Staedert? 30 EXT. OUTSIDE SPACESHIP The missile explodes from the ship and penetrates its target. CROW: Ohhh, mama! The explosion is swallowed like a fizzy pill in a small glass of water. Nothing happens. And then the mass grows larger. TOM: *singing* And the beat goes on... 31 INT. CONTROL ROOM / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Staedert looks worried. STAEDERT Load a series of 740 missiles. Maximum shield protection. CROW: For your heaviest days TOM: Made for maximum comfort MIKE: Now in Super Abosrbant, Light, and Regular! CAPTAIN Yes, Sir. The President is growing ever more worried. TOM: *PRESIDENT* Did I leave my crock pot on? PRESIDENT Staedert? What's going on? Did you destroy it? STAEDERT I'm about to, Mr. President. MIKE: *STAEDERT* GOD I love doing that kill stuff 32 EXT. SPACESHIP A series of three missiles heads for the planet, TOM: CHARGE OF THE PHALLIC SYMBOLS! which absorbs them all. And literally doubles in size. CROW: Evil shouldn't eat so many missles, they go right to his thighs SCIENTIST The planet's diameter has greatly increased and it's moving toward the ship. ALL: *starts humming the Jaws theme* PRESIDENT Staedert? Get out of there immediately! I don't want an incident, do you hear me, Staedert? MIKE: *PRESIDENT* Maybe we should close the beaches. STAEDERT (worried) ...What do we have that's bigger than 240? TOM: I think Sigmund Freud might have something to say about that CAPTAIN Nothing, General. PRESIDENT Staedert, get out of there! That's an order!... A bead of sweat pearls Staedert's forehead. He is about to give an order when a gigantic flame emerges from the planet and literally swallows Staedert's spaceship. ALL: *BELCHING NOISES* STAEDERT (eyes wide) ... Good God! TOM: OW! JUMP BACK! KISS MYSELF! The flame fills the screen with a horrendous NOISE that.... MIKE: ...cuts off this sentence 33 INT. APARTMENT CROW: Meanwhile, in another movie... ... wakes up a man trying to escape from a nightmare. KORBEN DALLAS rubs his head. TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, our Hero...or as close to one as we could find Thirty five years old. short hair, powerfully built, unquestionable charm, good looking in spite of the scars here and there. MIKE: Is this a screenplay or a personal ad? The alarm clock is still ringing, it shows the date as March 18, 2359. It in two in the morning. He grabs a cigarette, and stops to look for a light. He shuts oft the alarm. He hears a cat mewing in the hall. But it still rings. TOM: The cat is ringing? Korben takes a moment and then realizes it in the phone that is ringing. CROW: *KORBEN* Hey, it's the phone that's ringing TOM: THRILL as Korben questions the wisdom of having a phone, clock, and cat that make the same noise. KORBEN (to the cat) I'm coming. MIKE: Umm....I DON'T think we should be watching this.... He grabs the phone and crosses his tiny apartment (27 feet long by 6 feet wide) heading for the door, patting himself for a light. CROW: He discovers his face is on fire and he lights up from that Behind him, the bed makes itself automatically. MIKE: His date screams in terror KORBEN (on the phone) Yeah? CROW: This better be good, I was dreaming about Cybil Shepard... FINGER (V.O.) Hey bud! Finger here. TOM: Toe there MIKE: Finger WHERE?? He opens the door for the cat and starts to rummage through a drawer for a match. Out come a handful of war decorations, a hero's collection. CROW: Look! There's the Purple Heart he won in the Pudding Wars of 2257... KORBEN (to the cat) Hi sweetie! TOM: Hey Sugarbumpkin ...A Medal of Honor Certificate to Major Dallas FINGER (V.O.) I love you too Major, but you haven't called me that since basic training. MIKE: *FINGER* Thank God for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"! KORBEN I was talking to the cat. CROW: As if that's ANY less disturbing! FINGER (V.O.) Oh, yeah, I forgot.You still prefer your cat to the real thing. TOM: umm....this is really passing the bounds of the appropriate here ...A picture of Korben and his ex-wife on their wedding day. MIKE: She with the barbells and he passed out in the Schnappes wearing the tutu KORBEN At least, the cat comes back. MIKE AND TOM: *singing* And the cat came back, the very next day... FINGER (V.O.) (ironical) You still pining for that two timing bitch. Forget her. There are a million women out there. CROW: They don't like you, though TOM: and they'll leave you as well, admittedly KORBEN I don't want a million - I just want one. A perfect one. FINGER (V.O.) Don't exist bud. ...A picture of Korben and Finger in uniform next to a space fighter. KORBEN I just found a picture of you. MIKE: *KORBEN* The pages were stuck together FINGER (V.O.) How do I look? KORBEN Like shit. CROW: *FINGER* Oh, so I've aged gracefully Korben finds a box of matches with three matches. He strikes one. It does not light. Korben opens the fridge, bare, except for an empty can of GEMINI croquettes. On the packet is an ad: WIN A DREAM TRIP FOR 2 TO FHLOSTON PARADISE. TOM: *singing* Been spendin' most our lives livin' in a Fhloston Paradise CROW: That was really dumb, Tom FINGER (V.O.) Must be an old picture.. Listen, you gotta bring me your hack for the 6 month overhaul. A.S.A.P. Korben heats up some brackish water. CROW:Mmmmm! Perrier Graywater! Yum. KORBEN (sighs) I don't need one. MIKE: I've got styyyyle baby CROW: No he doesn't. FINGER (V.O.) You forgetting who sat next to you for a thousand missions. I know how you drive. MIKE: So Finger here was essentially a professional kibitzer in the military? KORBEN Finger! I'm driving a cab now, not a space fighter!! CROW: Though the flashbacks occasionally confuse me. FINGER (V.O.) How many points you got left on your license? KORBEN (lying) Uh... at least fifty. TOM: *Tommy Flanagan* umm....yyyyeah that's the ticket FINGER (V.O.) In your dreams! See you tonight! Finger has hang up. Korben sighs and does the same. He gets the heated brackish water and sits down. The cat pounces on the table and meows for its food. Korben pours half the coffee in the cat's cup. The cat meows. Korben taps his cup to the cat's saucer. CROW: *the cat* Dammit you KNOW I like Decaf KORBEN Cheers! MIKE: Coffee, it's what's for breakfast. CROW: He has coffee and a cigarette for breakfast. A little cocaine and crystal meth, and he'll be ready to go for weeks on end! 34 INT. HALL - DAY - OMIT TOM: Hey! 35 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT MIKE: They should have done this to the rest of the script 36 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The office is emptied, only a few army officers remain. An ancient manuscript, Billy's drawings, sits in front of the President. Cornelius turns page after page, illustrating his point. MIKE: *CORNELIUS* As far as we can tell, fighting evil screwed up Billy's artistic skills. CORNELIUS (to the President) We have forty-eight hours, the time it needs to adapt itself to our living conditions. CROW: *CORNELIUS* We'd better stop it before it starts to eat out of the fridge TOM: Or drink out of the toilet MIKE: That IS evil PRESIDENT (worried) And then? CORNELIUS And then it will be too late. The goal of evil is to wipe out life! All forms of life. For all eternity...Life upsets it. MIKE: Again, like Pat Buchanan The President appears upset himself by this image. PRESIDENT Is there anything that can stop it? CORNELIUS (knowing) Yes..thank God.. MIKE: Though He hasn't shown up directly to bail our butts out. 37 EXT. SPACE The Mondoshawan spaceship bursts through a star cluster and fills the screen. TOM: WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY 38 INT. COCKPIT - OMIT 39 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The manuscript is open on the President's desk.. CLOSE ON: Billy's rendering of the Mondoshawan. MIKE: *PRESIDENT* You know, Billy really sucked as an artist, Father CORNELIUS (to the President) The Mondoshawans don't belong to the Federated Territories, but they are peaceful...in their possession are four elements of life. These elements when they are gathered around a fifth: The Supreme Being, ultimate warrior, created to protect life...... TOM: Who, we should note, is TAKING HIS SWEET TIME TO GET HERE! The SUPREME BEING is standing, as if frozen in armor. All we see is the bottom half of his body. Big metallic gloves hold the case engraved with the emblem of the three suns containing the four Sacred Stones. CORNELIUS ..will produce what the ancients called the light of creation, the light of total goodness which is the only thing that can defeat EVIL. ALL: EVIL! The President points to the spot occupied by the 5th element. PRESIDENT But what happens if instead of this... Ultimate Warrior... it is EVIL who stands here? CORNELIUS White turns to black. Light to Dark. Life to Death. For all eternity. The President's nerves quiver. MIKE: *PRESIDENT* One question, does evil vote? CAPTAIN Sir, we have a Mondoshawan spaceship at the frontier requesting permission enter our territory. CROW: The Plot Device Patrol just dropped them off. PRESIDENT I guess I should make a decision.. MIKE: Whoa, this really IS Science Fiction CORNELIUS They are the only ones who can help.. GENERAL Sir..the Mondoshawan do not belong the federation. We do not know their intention.. I must recommend a full trinuclear assault.. CROW: *GENERAL* We gotta kill 'em a lot! PRESIDENT (yells) Did you see that..thing..swallow our battleship like a gum drop? You can't even tell me what it is! I ask you for options you give me bullshit. MIKE: *PROFESSOR* That's my job! Give them permission to enter our territories with my warmest regards. CORNELIUS (relieved) Thank you, Mr. President. 40 INT. MONDOSHAWANS SPACESHIP - OMIT TOM: Hey! 41 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - OMIT CROW: What the?? MIKE: It's a cover-up I tell ya! 42 EXT. SPACE / INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP The MONDOSHAWAN spaceship zips across the Federated Galaxy. But it is not alone: Two black warships seem to be dogging it. TOM AND CROW: Arfarfarfarfarfarf! 43 INT. MONDOSHAWAN COCKPIT The MONDOSHAWANS have spotted the spacecraft chasing them. FIRST OFFICER Two non-identified ships approaching. CAPTAIN Must be the welcoming committee. TOM: So Mondoshawan means "No Sense of Self Preservation" in their native language 44 INT. WARSHIP COCKPIT A MANGALORE sits at the controls of the warship. His terrifying features tell us what sort of welcome they can expect. The pilot fires without warning. CROW: Oh yeah, ugly = evil 45 EXT. SPACE / INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP The huge ship is badly hit and immediately swerves oft course. Panic aboard the MONDOSHAWAN ship. 46 INT. MONDOSHAWAN SHIP CAPTAIN We've been hit! General alert!!! MIKE: Corporal Panic! TOM: Captain Warning! CROW: Private Concern! Blast after blast hits the defenseless ship. *MIKE and the Bots lurch from left to right in homage to Star Trek* CAPTAIN We're losing control! We have to land fast! The huge ship veers oft course and heads for a small red planet, taking hit after hit. TOM: You can call it Mars, you know. It'll let you use its real name. CAPTAIN Send out a distress signal!!! Activate the emergency landing procedure! MIKE: Duck, tuck, and kiss your booty bye-bye! The huge ship approaches the planet at blinding speed. FIRST OFFICER Impact in less than ten seconds! The red planet looms ever closer. CAPTAIN Time is of no importance... MIKE: Yeah, but gravity is. The ship crashes in a gigantic explosion. TOM: Ouch, right in the Cydonia region CROW: *Scholarly* Additional proof of a NASA coverup to keep us from using hyperdimensional . . . TOM: Mr. Hoagland, please sit down. 46A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY A thermo nuclear explosion fills a T.V. screen..Which Korben's cat watches with interest. CROW: *THE CAT* Someday the humans will do that all to themselves and then we will rule - er, once we evolve opposable thumbs. Korben is about to exit the apartment. KORBEN Don't watch it all day, it'll rot your mind. Bye sweetie.. CROW: I think Korben's a furry, Mike. MIKE: I didn't need that, Crow. In response, the cat meows. Korben opens the door to..A huge gun, brandished by a nervous MUGGER, pointing right in his face. MUGGER The cash man! KORBEN Been here long? MUGGER Don't fuck with me man or I'll blow you into tomorrow! CROW: *KORBEN* You haven't seen any of my six thousand "Die Hard" movies, have you? Unperterbed, Korben looks at the mugger's fearsome weapon. MIKE: Ah, Jimmy "Personal Inadequacy" Tagliano, I presume? KORBEN Isn't that a Z140? Alleviated titanium. Neuro charged assault model? TOM: A shame when you don't know the stats on your phallic substitutes, isn't it Mike? MIKE: Leave me out of this. MUGGER (off balance) Uh.. KORBEN You know you could hurt someone with this puppy..good thing it's not loaded.. CROW: *KORBEN* Good thing I am! The mugger is lost. He looks at his weapon. MUGGER It's not? KORBEN You gotta push the little yellow button... TOM: Little, yellow, destructive. Korben points to the button on the side of the gun. The mugger takes his advice. MUGGER Thanks.. KORBEN You're welcome.. And with lightning speed, Korben blasts the mugger with a straight right hand, CROW: Then using his gay left hand and bisexual right foot! sending him down for the count. Korben retrieves the gun. KORBEN ..you know these things are VERY illegal.. you could get in a shit load of trouble..I better hang onto it for you.. As the mugger clears his head, Korben opens a drawer next to him which is full of similar guns! The mugger's eyes pop out of his head. ALL: Eeeeewwwwww! He scampers to his feet and runs off. Korben shrugs, exits his apartment, and closes the door. The cat watches a nuclear holocaust on T.V., uninterrupted. 46B INT. KORBEN'S GARAGE - DAY Korben enters his taxi. A robotic voice greets him. MIKE: *HAL* Hello Dave, would you mind if we drove near the cliffs today? VOICE Please enter your license.. Korben complies, and starts to push a series of buttons on the dash. VOICE Welcome on board Mr. Dallas.. KORBEN How you doing this morning? Sleep OK? I didn't. CROW: What is it with this guy and talking to non-sentients? Korben hits a button. The garage door starts to open. VOICE Fuel level 6.03..Propulsion 2x4... KORBEN I had the worst goddamn nightmare. MIKE: *KORBEN* I was trapped in a skyscraper taken over by a bunch of terrorists led by the Sheriff of Nottingham VOICE You have nine points left on your license.. KORBEN Thanks for reminding me.. TOM: *VOICE* Don't mention it....bald drowsy loser As the garage door lifts, the Megalopolis that is New York City in the 23rd century comes into view. Startling in it's height, and breath. CROW: In the 23rd Century, New York is in desperate need of a Tic-Tac VOICE Have a nice day.. TOM: Or else! Korben lets the propulsion build. MIKE: Yes, the exciting "Driving a Cab" scene KORBEN Right.. TOM: *VOICE* NO NO NO you're going LEFT you idiot! Look, I'll give you Demi Moore but North was unforgiveable! He lets the gear slip. The taxi rockets off into the City. 47 EXT. TAXI STAND - NIGHT - OMIT ALL: *SIGH* MIKE: Look let's just ride the Omitted parts out guys, okay? 48 EXT. RED PLANET-OMIT 49 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Cornelius collapses in a chair. CORNELIUS We are lost! MIKE: *CORNELIUS* The script has completely confused me! GENERAL MUNRO Mr. President, the attack was launched by two unregistered warships. MIKE: Yeah, they should register them. It's easy to read license plates at near-light speeds. PRESIDENT Close all borders and declare a state of general alert. IKE: Colonel Awareness! TOM: Sergeant Attention! CROW: Lance-Constable Keen Attention! GENERAL MUNRO Yes, sir. PRESIDENT (to another OFFICER) Try to contact these Mondoshawans. We owe them an explanation. TOM: How about, "We wiffed it big time" CORNELIUS (lost, to himself) What are we going to do? CROW: *PRESIDENT* You're the old mystic guy, you tell us! PRESIDENT This is government business now. MIKE: Yeah, governments do pretty good in this whole good-evil mess, just ask the Taliban Militia. You ought to go home and get some rest, Father. The President motions to his guards to come and get Cornelius. TOM: Yep, use force to strong-arm the old guy who can save your butt into relaxing. CROW: He's a politician - all the foresight of a sea anemone. PRESIDENT I promise to keep you informed. A weary Cornelius leaves the room with David's help. PRESIDENT (to the CAPTAIN) ...Has the rescue team found any survivors? 50 EXT. RED PLANET - OMIT 51 EXT. RED PLANET ORBIT - OMIT 52 INT. LABORATORY 1ST DISTRICT MANHATTAN - DAWN An arm, on a surgical cart, moves down the hall of the Nucleological Center, the most sterile of environments. MIKE: Get the arm to sickbay, we may still have a chance! TOM: This MAY require some reconstructive surgery. PROFESSOR MACTILBURGH, age 60, hurries alongside GENERAL MUNRO. CROW: Carolyn Munro? Yowza! MIKE: We wish MUNRO This is all that survived? MACTILBURGH Actually only one cell survived.. TOM: It's just a really big arm-shaped cell MUNRO Have you identified it? CROW: *MACTILBURGH* Yes, it says its name is Fred. MACTILBURGH It's not that easy..we've never encountered anything like it before..you see normal human beings have 40 DNA memo groups..which is more than enough for any species to perpetuate itself..This one has 200,000. MUNRO Talk English Doc. TOM: Why break the pace now? MACTILBURGH This cell is like a huge library. It has infinite genetic knowledge stored inside. Almost like it was...engineered. MUNRO Sounds like a freak of nature to me. CROW: Oh, it's just Michael Jackson MACTILBURGH Yes... I can't wait to meet him. They pass into the lab. TOM: They're in a better place, now. 53 INT. LABORATORY The two enter a cylindrical laboratory. There is a huge glass turbine in the middle with the metal glove inside. A DNA chain scrolls on the computer screen. MACTILBURGH (rather fascinated) The compositional elements of his DNA chain are the same as ours, there are simply more of them tightly packed. His knowledge is probably limitless.. MIKE: Oh no it's DNA from Steve Allen! MUNRO (worried) Is there any danger? Some kind of virus? MACTILBURGH We put it through the cellular hygiene detector. TOM: Cellular hygiene detector? MIKE: I'm not touching that one. CROW: Good call. The cell is for lack of a better word... perfect. MIKE: Perfect, our big foreshadowing word for today Munro hesitates a moment. Then he sighs and uses his personal key to open the self-destruct box. MUNRO OK, go ahead! But Mr. Perfect better be polite...otherwise I turn him into cat food. CROW: This DOES all relate to Korben's cat, doesn't it? MIKE: I wanna know why General Munro wants to meet Mr. Perfect. Mactilburgh starts the operation rolling as Munro puts his hand on the self-destruct button, ready to use it. Thousands of cells form in the heart of the generator, an assemblage of DNA elements. Then the cells move down a tube, like a fluid, and gather in an imprint of a HUMAN body. Step by step bones are reconstructed, then the nervous and muscular systems. Whole veins wrap around the muscles. An entire body is reconstructing before our very eyes. TOM: I just wonder if Mr. Perfect here is going to like waking up in a human form? CROW: Why is that there? Only TWO arms? What do you call these things you hear with... DOCTOR Three seconds to ultra-violet protection. MIKE: Applying sun block A shield comes over the reconstructing body and makes it invisible. MACTILBURGH (to Munro) ...This is the crucial phase, The reconstruction of pigment. Cells are bombarded with slightly greasy solar atoms TOM: Greasy solar atoms? I call no way! MIKE: I second it! which forces the body cells to react, to protect themselves. That means growing skin. Clever, eh? TOM: Umm....I lost you after "Crucial phase" MUNRO (disgusted) Wonderful! The meter slows, drops to zero. TOM: The audience is completely bored! End of experiment! ASSISTANT ... End of reconstruction, beginning of reanimation . MIKE: *PA System* Paging Mr. West, paging Mr. Herbert West . . . A whoosh of air in the glass chamber. Captain Munro has his hand on the self-destruct button CROW: EVERYBODY likes to blow crap up in this movie , ready to destroy the being that has barely been reborn. MIKE: *MUNRO* Dare me to push it, go on, dare me MACTILBURGH (pushing a button) Activate life support system. An electrical discharge fills the glass chamber causing the body inside to jerk. After a few moments of silence, the SOUND of a heartbeat fills the room over the loudspeaker. CROW: Hey, they started up Dark Side of the Moon ASSISTANT Life support system activated. MIKE: Science pretty much made up. TOM: Audience's dignity disregarded. CROW: Writing mangled. The Supreme Being is alive once again. MACTILBURGH Remove the shield. The ASSISTANT automatically removes the ultra-violet shield which slowly reveals... a woman... nude... young... and very beautiful. MIKE: OK, they did get that supreme being thing pretty good! Munro stands there gaping. Not quite his vision of the Supreme Being. Mactilburgh glances at Munro and gently pushes his hand away from the self-destruct button. MACTILBURGH (with a smile) I told you ... perfect! Munro is hypnotized by the GIRL's beauty. TOM: It's a GIRL, we can't stress that enough, people MUNRO ...I'd, uh , like to get a few pictures for the archives before she wakes up. Mactilburgh looks at him with a grin. A remote-control camera approaches the girl's face, a flash goes off. Blinded by the flash, TOM: Racked up like a duce, another roller in the night the girl jumps and screams. She cowers in a corner, shaking from the cold, darting eyes everywhere looking for the case she was holding. GIRL (very angry) Ouacra cocha o dayodomo binay ouacra mo cocha ferji akba ligounai makta keratapla. Tokemata tokemata! Seno santonoi-aypa! Minoi ay Cheba! Givomana seno! ALL: Mucka lucka cholly-ho! Ting tang walla walla bing bang! MUNRO (worried) What's she saying? TOM: About as much as you, informationwise. MACTILBURGH (to his ASSISTANT) Activate the phonic detector. MIKE: Give me an excuse to speak more technobabble The girl kicks the window repeatedly. MACTILBURGH And give her a light sedative... and something to wear! TOM: And a nice Hawaiian Punch! The ASSISTANT hits a button. A pile of clothes drops out of a trapdoor in the ceiling. She snatches up the clothes angrily and dresses quickly. Munro draws closer to the glass window. He watches her dress with undisguised pleasure. MIKE: Jeez, will you look at this guy! CROW: Nice to see gun-happy perverts make up most of the military in the future. MUNRO (to Mactilburgh) This thing solid? TOM: Solid as glass, sir...oh, sorry MACTILBURGH (smiling) An elephant couldn't crack it. The Girl finishes dressing. MIKE: Once again, ladies and gentlemen. It's a girl GIRL (angrily) Teno akta chataman assin-omekta! TOM: Yes Greedo I was just on my way to pay your boss CROW: You betcha! Mucka lucka! Munro smiles safely behind his plate glass window. : While wading through a puddle of his own drool, my god! MUNRO (with a smile) You're gonna have to learn to communicate better than that angel if you want out. TOM: You know, first old Brion James gets his head blown off in Blade Runner, now this Munro dangles the key on a chain that will let her out. The girl rams her fist right through the window. She grabs the key and yanks it. The chain snaps tight and Munro slams into the window knocking himself out. ALL: YES! CROW: Score one for the feminists! The girl puts her hand through the window again,unlocks the chamber and steps out. She is still bit wobbly on her legs. Two GUARDS try to grab her. She sends them flying across the room. Mactilburgh is most impressed. He sets off a general alarm. MIKE: Captain Awareness CROW: Lieutenant On the Ball TOM: Sir Notice of Canterbury 54 INT. CORRIDOR LABORATORY The girl runs through a maze of corridors looking for a way out. A squad of SECURITY GUARDS appear in front of her and open fire without warning. TOM: The Supreme Being is NOT being given a nice welcome, is she? The girl takes a leap, grabs an air vent, kicks it out and dives into the air shaft. The COPS try and jump up to the vent, but none can reach it. TOM: *Minnesota Accent* They should never have taken seconds at the donut table dontcha know CROW: *Minnesota Accent* Ya, really piles on the pounds, youbetcha CHIEF Get me a chair or a stepladder The rest of you go through the main ventilation! MIKE: Kenny, you go through the sewage duct, but be careful, there might be velociraptors 55 INT. VENTILATION DUCT LABORATORY The girl moves along unable to see what's ahead of her. She comes to a dead-end, a grill that leads outside. She pushes it out and exits onto the ledge. TOM: No matter what movie you're in, you suddenly get an unerring sense of how to enter ventilation shafts and where to go. Ever notice that? MIKE: Yeah. CROW: Bruce Willis was in this movie, what do you expect? 56 EXT. LEDGE LABORATORY - DAWN She has exited to a ledge on the 450th floor of a building, right in the middle of Manhattan, which we discover for the first time. The city has become monstrous. Buildings rise 600 stories. Cars fly. Subways run vertically...The girl edges along the narrow ledge, unfazed by the height. The CHIEF leans out the vent, looking out into the void. CHIEF (to his men) Go on follow her! TOM: Die for no good reason chasing the alien superwoman! The COPS stare into the gaping void. MIKE: The void then stares back into them TOM: Very Neitsche, Mike COP ...No way. The CHIEF angrily pulls out his gun and shoots at the girl who ducks around the corner of the building. Unfortunately the other side in full of cops as well. A flying police car zooms up in front of her, sirens blaring. VOICE (O.S.) This in the police. Your status is illegal. MIKE: But your underwear really rocks! Please put up your hands and follow our instructions!! TOM: And please take out a number 2 pencil and fill in the proper circles The girl feels trapped. She looks down into the endless 450 below and all the cars flying underneath her. Then she raises her arms... and dives off. MIKE: Boy, who saw that one coming a mile away, huh? 57 INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT TOM: Hey, how the heck is it suddenly night! MIKE: In the future, day and night are strictly voluntary COP (in the car.) Christ! She dove off! MIKE: *CHRIST* Oh, Like I didn't know that, my son. In a panic, the COP makes a wrong turn. The girl falls for several seconds. She lands on the roof of a flying cab. CROW: Even in the 23rd century, you want to bet the cabbies are still unable to speak decent english or drive safely? 58 INT. CAB - NIGHT MIKE: It was a sultry night TOM: I've got a headache in my eye! Korben tries to control his car, reeling from the impact. CROW: I rest my case. MIKE: Crow... VOICE (O.S.) You have just had an accident. Seven points have been temporarily removed... MIKE: *VOICE* And you wet 'em Korben manages to stop his cab, pulls over to the side. VOICE / KORBEN You have one point left on your license. Have a good day. Korben sighs and looks in the back seat to see what the damages are. The girl, CROW: For those of you just now tuning in, the Fifth Element is a GIRL a bit dazed (who wouldn't be), TOM: Well, considering that a fall like that should have KILLED HER... emerges from the debris and sits up. There's some blood on her face. MIKE: A big disgrace CROW: Somebody's gonna put her back into her place ALL: *singing* We will, we will rock you! Korben is stunned. The girl's still alive and... so beautiful. His heart heads for a meltdown. MIKE: And his head hearts for a hoedown! GIRL Akina delutan, nou-shan. TOM: Look, even I get boarded sometimes. You think I had a choice? KORBEN (lost) ...'Scuse me? CROW: *Joe Pesci* What do you mean I'm funny? What, am I a clown? Do I amuse you? A police car with wailing sirens halts in front of Korben. COP (over a loudspeaker) You have an unauthorized passenger in your vehicle. We are going to arrest her. Please leave your hands on the wheel. Thank you for your cooperation. CROW: Have a nice day and thank you for being a mensch! MIKE: They know he killed Adena Watson CROW: Took 'em long enough.. KORBEN (obeying) TOM: *zombie* Yes, master... Sorry, Hon, but I only got one point left on my license and I gotta get to the garage! CROW: *KORBEN* Boy is my bladder full, woo-ee! The police car presses up against the cab. Doors slide open. Huge guns point at her. MIKE: I can't help but notice that there are some phallic symbols in this script. TOM: It's like a really sick chapter of "The Golden Bough." Korben feels lousy. The girl's helpless, there are tears in her eyes, she looks exhausted. Korben glances at her in the rear view mirror. She's looking all around to find something to help her communicate with him. CROW: *GIRL* Let's see what we got here...monkey wrench, blackjack... MIKE: If only she had Billy's artistic talents. TOM: I miss Billy, you know. MIKE: Yeah, but Billy had to be a hero. TOM: Shut up. Her POV: CROW: A halfway-to-hasbeen driving a cab, drooling at her. an ad on the back of the seat. An 800 number to help an orphanage. A teary photo of a kid over the words Please Help. She shoots to Korben a look of pure distress. GIRL (irresistible) Please... HELP... TOM: Can't speak english, can read. Maybe she's going to escape through the plot hole here. Korben can't resist her plea. KORBEN Don't put me in this position... CROW: There are plenty of others that are more enjoyable. I can't... I'm late as it is... MIKE: Demi's gonna KILL me! But he cannot say no to her eyes. CROW: Or her other body parts to be exact KORBEN Finger's gonna kill me. TOM: What about the rest of the hand? MIKE: Finger may even give me himself. Get it guys, give... TOM: No Mike. MIKE: Er... CROW: Let it go. Korben shuts oft the meter and floors it, sideswiping the police car as he roars away. VOICE (O.S.) Your license has been revoked. Would you please.... Korben whips out a gun and shatters the loudspeaker. CROW: A weensy problem with authority, have we? Hmmm? KORBEN I hate when people cry... I got no defense... TOM: *KORBEN* I AM the Indianapolis Colts The police car takes out after him, sirens screeching. An insane chase ensues. MIKE: Instead of the usual sane 100-mile-per-hour aerial chase through an insane 3D maze of a city. 59 INT. NEW YORK STREETS - DAY Korben and his flying taxi are absolute masters of the air. MIKE: Which leaves only four more elements to be master of! TOM: Nicely obscure Mike. MIKE: I have to recover from that Finger joke. CROW: Good job. The cops have trouble following him but then another cop car comes to join in the fun. Korben drives like a man possessed, TOM: Vomiting pea soup with his head spinning around? nothing can stop him. Except the dead-end he's just come up against. MIKE: Yep, that'll do it GIRL Daya deo dono Dato. Dalutan! TOM: Yeah but this time I've got the money! KORBEN It there's one thing I don't need advice on, it's how to drive. CROW: Now Acting, that's another matter Korben turns his cab sideways and scrapes through a narrow passageway, ripping his taxi light from the roof. The police car smashes into the wall. The other one brakes just in time. CROW: Roscoe P. Coltrane Jr. The Fifth and Enos the Seventh continue their family's fine traditions. COP Shit! Attention all-patrol cars! MIKE: *COP* There is a blue light special in the Menswear department The car makes a U-turn, looking for a wider passageway. 60 EXT. NEW YORK STREET The police car roars up, sirens screaming then slows down and checks out a dead-end flanked by a large vertical neon billboard. The dead-end is empty . Korben's cab is hidden vertically behind the billboard. Seeing nothing, the police drive away. MIKE: Yep, in the future you'll get your tax money's worth. KORBEN We'll wait till things quiet down a bit. You mind? The girl grabs his shirt collar and pulls him close, whispers in his ear. TOM: *whispering* Jerry Doyle is much...sexier... GIRL (weak) ...Priest... TOM: *whispering* And Dio. And Ozzy. I love their stuff. KORBEN You're not that bad... Come on we'll get you to a doctor. The girl hands him the handle of the case, struck with the three Egyptian suns. TOM: I am so lost. GIRL (weak) Vito... Cor... Ni-lious... Priest... KORBEN Vito Cornelius? The girl nods, then faints. Korben is somewhat lost faced with so much mystery. CROW: The puzzles on his breakfast cereal are too much mystery for this guy. MIKE: Break time, guys TOM: Not a moment too soon *They get up and leave the theater* *COMMERCIAL BREAK. OH THAT CRAZY DIONNE WARWICK AND HER PSYCHIC FRIENDS OF DOOM* *END COMMERCIAL BREAK* *CROW IS BUSY LOOKING AT A COMPUTER. MIKE AND TOM ENTER CARRYING AN ENORMOUS PAPER MACHE BANANA, ONE END BALANCED ON TOM'S HEAD.* CROW: Hi guys... uh, what are you up to? MIKE and TOM: *EMBARRASSED* Er... nothing. CROW: Well, good. I just logged onto INSTANT-THEARPY.COM and wanted some input. MIKE: *SHRUGS, SETS BANANA ASIDE* Sure, what can we do? TOM: Do we have to sign the commitment papers? CROW: Ha ha. No, I've been noticing some of the stuff Mike posted under his alias on Web Site #9, all our transcripts and stuff, and it seems like I make a lot of obscene comments. MIKE: Er, occasionally. CROW: *TYPING INTO COMPUTER* OK. Do I make off-color comments you always criticize me on? TOM: Yeah, now and then. More times than others. CROW: *STILL TYPING* Yeah. You guy's usually yell "Crow!" or something like that. MIKE: *LOOKS AT TOM* Yes. CROW: *FINISHES TYPING* Ok, let's see what INSTANT-THERAPY.COM says. Hmmmm. ..Ok. TOM: So, what's the CyberFreud there say? CROW: Seems I suffer from "Crow Syndrome." It says "This condition is a unique affliction to one Crow T. Robot, and results in constant obscene outbursts triggering simplistic responses in friends and associates." MIKE: Nah, it can't be that. CROW: But... TOM: Someone's pulling your leg Crow. CROW: But... *MOVIE SIGN* MIKE: Uh-oh, therapy later. Shut down Crow, it's Movie Sign! CROW: Maybe I'm just desperate for attention . . . TOM: Later, Crow! ()=().... 1....2....3....4....5...6.... 61 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY *MIKE and the BOTS re-enter the theater* CROW:...Maybe I have an Oedipus Complex where I'm in love with my creator *looks at MIKE* MIKE: Shut up Crow, I didn't build you CROW: And Mike...about your Web Site #9 Aliases...Kevin Ramsey? Who's he, the condom magnate? And Steven Savage? PLLLLEAASSE! Does he leap out of the Fortress of Stevitude and fight crime in the Savagemobile? *PAUSE* MIKE: Shut up, Crow. CROW: Now you're just saying THAT to make me paranoid. MIKE: No, this time I really mean it. The door opens. Korben is there with the unconscious girl in his arms. TOM: Girl-o-gram! KORBEN (embarrassed) Excuse me, I'm looking for a priest. CORNELIUS (tired) Weddings are one floor down. Congratulations. MIKE: Yep, see a guy dragging an unconcious girl, instantly assume it's love. Cornelius closes the door. The doorbell RINGS again. MIKE: Careful, it could be one of those ringing cats. TOM: Or alarm clocks. CROW: Whatever. KORBEN She's not my bride, she's my fare. She's looking for this Vito Cornelius. According to the phone guide he lives here. CROW: Vito Cornelius, Mafia Priest CORNELIUS (curious) That's me. But I don't know who she is... where did you find her? KORBEN She dropped in on me... holding this. Korben hands him the metal handle with the three Egyptian suns, stamped on it. CROW: At least he has a... TOM: Don't say it... MIKE: Bad pun in the hole! CROW: ...HANDLE on the situation. TOM: Arrrghhh! CORNELIUS (staggered) The fifth element. TOM: Boron? CROW: No, Bor-ING He faints dead away. Korben, with the girl still in his arms, looks around helpless. MIKE: *KORBEN* Why does EVERYONE faint on me? KORBEN (sighing) Finger's gonna kill me... 62 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY In his armchair, Cornelius gets woken by a slap in the face. CORNELIUS (with a start) Who are you? TOM: *Morden* What do you want? CROW: Mike, Tom's been downloading Babylon 5 .wavs into his vocal processors again! MIKE: Stop it Tom, this is disturbing enough. KORBEN I brought the girl remember? CORNELIUS The girl? CROW *Cornelius* Oh, you must be Big Red Jerry, her pimp. Wait a moment... Cornalius gets up. He looks at the handle. KORBEN Yeah! She dropped in on me. I mean on my taxi... talking... this... this bizarre language... And then it dawns on Cornelius who the girl is. CROW: Shirley McClaine! TOM: By this time? Good chance! CORNELIUS (eyes riveted on her) He's a she! MIKE: Father Vito Cornelius always has an eye for detail CROW: I see the years of celibacy have finally taken a toll on the Father, here. KORBEN (bemused) You noticed... CORNELIUS (face shining) There's not a moment to lose! Wake her up, but be gentle about it! This woman is mankind's most precious possession! She is...perfect! MIKE: So perfect means babbling, incoherent, mysterious, and lost? TOM: Yep, pretty much. CROW: Then, tecnically, Bobo is perfect. TOM: Ow! Burn! KORBEN So you do know her. CORNELIUS Uh yes, we're cousins..distant cousins.. MIKE: *smarmy macho* Kissing cousins, if you know what I mean... Cornelius runs into the next room. Korben looks at the girl, goes to slap her, then changes his mind. TOM: What a gallant man Her beauty troubles him. CROW: Makes him feel...squishy He hesitates, then, gently caresses her cheek. Her skin seems so soft, so fragile. KORBEN Perfect... 63 INT. SMALL ROOM David, is mending a cassock when Cornelius bursts into the room out of breath. MIKE: Who here doesn't want to know how that cassock got ripped? ALL: ME! CORNELIUS It's a miracle!!! DAVID (worried) What is? MIKE: A copying paper that's also a floorwax! TOM: A dessert topping that's also a surgical adhesive! CROW: A Democrat that's also a Republican! MIKE: That would be Clinton, Crow. CROW: Oh, yeah, right. CORNELIUS (babbling crazily) I can't wear these clothes! This calls for dignity! I have to dress the part! CROW: Toreador Pants and Mariachi hats for all! He opens a closet filled with identical robes and plunges in, disappearing as David looks on, uncomprehending. MIKE: *CORNELIUS* Hey Aslan, seen my good robes? 64 INT LIVING ROOM. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT Korben gently kisses the girl's cheeks, but she doesn't respond. He looks around then kisses her on the lips. The girl's eyes snap open. When Korben straightens up he discovers his own gun jammed under his chin. CROW: *KORBEN* Okay me, back away and keep my hands up where I can see 'em GIRL (angry) Eto Akta Gamat! TOM: You're a wonderful human being, Jabba KORBEN (embarrassed) I'm sorry, it's just that... I was told to wake you up gently, so I figured... CROW: That my tongue caressing your uvula would be perfect! The girl pauses a moment. She stares at him, looks puzzled. CROW: You assumed I would actually let you kiss ME? KORBEN You're right, I was wrong! I shouldn't have kissed you... especially since we haven't been introduced and... MIKE: If I do introduce myself and you realize what a lowlife I am you'll run like a gazelle on crack, so let's just forget it OK? (he pulls out a business card) Here, it's a bit late, but... my name is Korben, Korben Dallas. Keep it, you never know, maybe... you'll need a cab one day. I'll be happy to open the door this time!. The girl hesitates, then snatches the card like a wild animal. MIKE: How many wild animals keep business cards? 65 INT. SMALL ROOM Cornelius is lost in the closet. CROW: Father Vito Cornelius was never the brightest veil in the Vatican MIKE: I hope this closet thing isn't symbolic. TOM: Ouch! DAVID Father, will you please explain what's going on? MIKE: *CORNELIUS* I'm a vague mix of Obi-Wan Kenobi and the Fool Archetype, young man! CORNELIUS The Supreme Being, the fifth element is here, in our parish!!! It's a miracle!!! CROW: I wish we had time to vacuum 66 INT. LIVING ROOM KORBEN ...What's your name? TOM: Who's your daddy? GIRL (after a moment) Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat. CROW: Ok, now she's just talking gibberish TOM: Whoa, she's related to the entire Gray Council! MIKE: Okay Tom, that's enough Babylon 5 jokes for today TOM: But Mike, it's the best show ever made! *MIKE and CROW look at TOM in a condescending manner* KORBEN (polite) Hey, that's... cute... Do you have a nickname, something a little... shorter? GIRL ...Leeloo. Korben is falling in love. CROW: Yep, give him an incoherent lost waif-like alien with a dumb name and he's putty in her hands. KORBEN That's... really cute... Cornelius bursts into the room. She turns the gun on him. He bows before her. CORNELIUS Appipulai Leeloo Minai.. MIKE: Appipulai Leelo Minai, I'm just a bird in the sky... LEELOO Corn-i-Lius? CORNELIUS (bowing) At your service. LEELOO lowers her guard starts to laugh. An irresistible childish laugh. Korben smiles. CROW: *KORBEN* I'll smile so they think I know what's going on. DAVID Father. You sure she's the Supreme Being? CORNELIUS Absolutely sure There's the triple suns on her gloves! TOM: And look, the dual moons on her shoes and the big Saturn logo on her earrings! David bows low, but his eyes glance up at Leeloo. Cornelius begins to lead Korben toward the door, hustling him out. KORBEN They all like this in your family, father? MIKE: Confusing, incoherent and prone to fainting? CORNELIUS She's an exception.. CORNELIUS Thank you so much for your help Mr...? KORBEN Dallas. Korben Dallas. MIKE: *KORBEN* I'd like a really cheap beer. Shaken, not stirred. Cornelius takes his arm. Leeloo stops laughing when she sees Korben leaving. TOM: The sobering reality that she'll be spared endless "Moonlighting" stories hits hard. CORNELIUS Yes. That's fine! Thank you very much. A thousand times over! KORBEN I might call to check up on her, you know... to see if she's better? TOM: *CORNELIUS* Son, your bodily funk is going to choke the Supreme Being, so please go! CORNELIUS She's fine, really..don't you worry.. just needs some rest..she's had a very long trip. CROW: And what a long, strange trip it's been. KORBEN I know. I was there when she arrived. TOM: *Londo* I was there when she arrived... MIKE: One more Babylon 5 reference out of you, Tom and no Ram chips for a month TOM: MIIIKE! MIKE: I mean it Cornelius is about to close the door. Korben's hand blocks it. TOM: BE AMAZED as Korben demonstrates his ability to block gently closing doors with his bare hands! KORBEN Excuse me! Just one thing! She said something to me a while ago and... I don't really get it...Akta Gamat? CORNELIUS It means, "Never without my permission". KORBEN That's what I thought. CROW: I never thought of listening to those words when a woman said them to me in English . . . Cornelius slams the door in his face. KORBEN ...Thanks. 66A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY Korben beads down the hallway. He passes his NEIGHBOR. KORBEN Evening... NEIGHBOR Fuck you! CROW: *Mr. Robinson* Dis is how we say hello in MY neighborhood KORBEN ...Thanks... You, too. Korben enters his-apartment. 66B INT.. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY The door slides back and the cat comes rubbing up against him, tail in the air. MIKE: With a pile of kitty-poo behind the couch and the drapes shredded into infinity. KORBEN Oh god. I forgot your food ... I'm really sorry! How about a nice Thai nosh to apologize? How does that sound, huh? The cat meows, appeased, MIKE: *the cat* Don't let it happen again, insolant human. just as the phone rings. TOM: Sure it's the phone? Earlier it could have been the cat. CROW: Or the doorbell. KORBEN Hello? FINGER (V.O.) Hey bud...I'm waiting all day here. CROW: *FINGER* Guess what I'm wearing. KORBEN Finger..man..I'm sorry..listen..I was on the way over but I had a fare fall into my lap..y'know one of those big fares you just can't resist.. FINGER (V.O.) (suspicious) So, just how big was this fare? KORBEN 5'7", green eyes... long legs... great skin...perfect.. MIKE: We can't emphasize perfect enough. TOM: Because perfect is the antidote to... ALL: EVIL! Korben takes out a cigarette. CROW: He needs a cigarette just talking about her? Then it MUST be love! TOM: Or really deluded lust, let's not rule that out. FINGER (V.O.) Uh huh..and I don't suppose you got the name of this..perfect fare.. KORBEN (dreamy) Leeloo.. CROW: Janice Leeloo? From accounting? 67 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 68 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo has a towel wrapped around her, it looks like she just took a shower. She sits in front of a computer wolfing down some chicken. TOM: Okay, she can't speak English but she can read and use a computer. This is getting out of hand Data scrolls by on the screen. MIKE: Wow, another Brent Spiner cameo! David watches from the corner, in awe. TOM: I see that celibacy no women thing is long past, Father... DAVID What's she doing? CROW: *DAVID* Helping me create ways to break oh so many vows.. CORNELIUS Learning our history! The last 5000 years that she missed! She's been out of circulation a while, you know. TOM: And the award for understatement of the year goes to...VITO CORNELIUS! Leeloo breaks into her childish laughter. CROW: *LEELOO* Oh, Stephen Ratliff you never cease to amaze me TOM: NEVER scare me like that again, Crow CROW: Ratliff would at least have had a MUCH better pace here. TOM: True. CORNELIUS What're you laughing about? MIKE: Makes you wonder if she's looking at naked pictures of herself LEELOO (pronouncing badly) Napoleon... small. CROW: *starts to say something*...Nah, too easy TOM: Yeah, well it's not the size of your dictator, it's how you use it She laughs again and tosses some capsules into the microwave. MIKE: She's gonna nuke the Mercury Seven! DAVID (hesitant) Uh father, I know she's been through a lot.. but the sacred stones..we don't have much time.. TOM: *DAVID* Bruce Willis is going to get another scene any minute now! CORNELIUS Yes. Of course.. Leeloo takes her plate out of the microwave. A steaming plate heaped with chicken and exotic vegetables. MIKE: She's eating Bill Clinton and the Spice Girls CROW: Whaa? MIKE: Chicken and Exotic Vegetables...*sigh* nevermind CROW: Thank goodness they hid the guinea pig! CORNELIUS Leeloo..I'm sorry to interrupt you but.. TOM: *CORNELIUS*...you're laying on my lucky blankie She sits back down in front of the screen and chomps away heavily on her second chicken. Cornelius sits opposite her. and holds up the case handle. CORNELIUS (serious) The case..with the stones... Where is it? LEELOO San Agamat chay bet... envolet! CROW: That means "I don't know where that jerk Jagger is so lay off!" CORNELIUS The case was stolen? CROW: *LEELOO* Can't talk, making pig of myself Leeloo nods her head, quite unperturbed and continues to devour the food in front of her. CORNELIUS (shocked) Who in gods name would do such a thing? 69 INT. CORRIDOR. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY TOM: ZORG? CROW: I hope that's a company name. CLOSE ON: A pair of feet limping heavily. TOM: Okay, how does one limp heavily, anyway MIKE: Maybe we stumbled into a Kids in the Hall sketch A MAN comes alongside them. CROW: *MAN* Sir, you're dragging my toilet... RIGHT ARM Excuse me sir, the council is worried about the economy heating up. They wondered if it would be possible to fire 500... TOM: Or 5000, since we're zero-confused here. They reach a door at the end of the corridor. Zorg enters a code. ZORG Fire 1000. CROW: Oh, great, it's a guy's name. MIKE: I bet Zorg here has serious issues with his parents if that's his first name. TOM: *motherly* Now we named you after grandpa Zorg, so no complaining! RIGHT ARM But... 500 is all they need, sir. ZORG turns slowly. A small scar across run across his face, his eye stutters. CROW: Okay, how does an eye stutter anyway? MIKE: This guy's got all the wrong handicaps in all the wrong places TOM: He talks through his eye? CROW: He's like that Rat-alien in Superman the Animated Series! This is not a man to cross, or contradict. TOM: He does that just fine on his own, thank you RIGHT ARM 1000! Fine, sir! Sorry to have disturbed you. MIKE: A typical workday at the Ford Plant TOM: George Steinbrenner: The Next Generation The door opens... MIKE: The crickets chirp, the roses bloom CROW: And I am weary. 70 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY ... and David enters carrying a bundle of clothes. CORNELIUS There was this guy with a limp who came a month ago..said he was an art dealer ... Asking all these questions about the Sacred Stones..at the time I didn't think anything of it.. What was his name? I'm so bad with names... TOM:*CORNELIUS* Isn't that right, Tommy. MIKE: *DAVID* That's David, sir. TOM: *CORNELIUS* Whatever. DAVID (to Leeloo, timid) I didn't know your size. MIKE: So I'm letting you borrow my clothes Leeloo is happy. She pulls off the towel and stands there nude. Cornelius and David turn away. TOM: Vampires have crosses, they have breasts. DAVID They really made her... CORNELIUS Perfect. MIKE: She's PERFECT, we get it! Leeloo finishes dressing. She is delighted. TOM: *Feminine* I AM perfect! LEELOO (to David) Domo danko! David smiles, dumb with admiration. CROW: Among other contributing factors... Cornelius comes over. CORNELIUS Leeloo? The Stones... We must get them back. TOM: Ah, so the plot has to do with everybody trying to rescue Mick Jagger and Keith Richards CROW: Hey what about Bill Wyman? MIKE: I don't think he's in the group anymore Leeloo settles down, sits at the computer and turns it on. CROW: Again...too easy LEELOO Ikset-kiba. Me imanetaba oum dalat! CORNELIUS You know exactly where they are! MIKE: Thanks for moving the plot along 71 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY A group of handsome WARRIORS approaches. AKNOT, their leader has the sacred case in his hands. The metal handle is missing but the second metal glove is still grasping the case. ZORG (pretending to be worried) Aknot? Is that you? TOM: *ZORG* Did you do something with your hair? The LEADER nods. A disgusted look stamps Zorg's features. ZORG ...What an ugly face! Doesn't suit you at all! Take it off... CROW: *ZORG* Take it ALL off... TOM: Aknot takes it all off at the Stud Ranch, Tuesdays through Thursdays! MIKE: *sigh* CROW and TOM: What AKNOT's face burns away revealing the head of a monstrous MANGALORE. MIKE: Hey, I thought they were handsome. TOM: Maybe Mangalore-style handsome. CROW: With a name like 'Mangalore' I'm betting it ain't pretty. ZORG That's better! Never be ashamed of who you are... You're warriors... be proud... MIKE: *ZORG* Shot into the heart, bang bang, you ARE the warriors AKNOT says nothing, but if his eyes could talk! CROW: They'd say "WOW, WE CAN TALK!" ZORG So what if the Federal Army crushed your entire race and scattered your people to the wind... TOM: *ZORG* We gotta dance! Your time for revenge is at hand... Voila... the ZF1. CROW: The handiest dandiest kitchen tool you ever will see! MIKE: It kills off entire planets and makes curly fries! He takes out a weapon from one a crate and goes into a sales pitch. ZORG (very fast) ...It's light... the handle's adjustable for easy carrying... good for righties and lefties. CROW: And if you're a nude Kilrathi, LOOK OUT! MIKE: So we're into Wing Commander riffs now? Meanwhile, two MEN set up a mannequin rigged with various defense mechanisms at the far end of the warehouse. TOM: ACK! Not again! ZORG ... Breaks down into four parts, undetectable by X-rays.. It's the ideal weapon for quick, discreet interventions. A word on fire power: Titanium recharger. 3000 round clip with bursts of 3 to 300. With the replay button, another Zorg innovation, it's even easier... one shot. He fires at the mannequin. MIKE: Kim Catrall, No!!! ZORG and replay sends every following shot to the same location.... MIKE: So Zorg designed VCRs before moving on to weapons of mass destruction. TOM: The Beta/VHS thing hit him REAL hard. MIKE: That WOULD explain a lot. Zorg spins around, the rounds all hit the mannequin. ZORG (even faster) I recharge, but the enemy has launched a cowardly sneak attack from behind, the automirror takes care of that. Gives me the time to turn around and finish the job. 300 round bursts, then there are the Zorg oldies... CROW: Such as "Don't Step on my Blue Suede Jackboots," "You Ain't Nothing but an Antarian Hell-Dog" and "Hunka Hunka Burning Love Plasma!" He fires off each item he names. ZORG ...Rocket launcher. The always efficient flame thrower... My favorite. Our famous net launcher, the arrow launcher, with exploding or poisonous gas heads - very practical. TOM: Yeah, much better using delicate high-tech arrows than simple effective ones that just eviscerate your enemies And for the grand finale, the all-new ice-cube system! The mannequin has been blasted into a pile of ashes covered by a net, stuck with arrows, the whole mess frozen solid. He tosses the weapon into AKNOT's hands. ZORG ...Four full crates, delivered right on time! What about you, my dear Aknot, did you bring me what I asked you for? AKNOT sets the case on a crate. Zorg gloats while stroking the case. CROW: This is so easy it's insulting MIKE: Nice restraint there, Crow CROW: Of course. I have standards MIKE: Oh, if only Luc Besson did... ZORG ...Magnificent. TOM: But not perfect. Zorg smiles, takes a deep breath, opens the case. It's empty 72 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo breaks into her childish laughter once again. CORNELIUS (astonished) What do you mean empty? MIKE: The plot, what? 73 INT. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY AKNOT looks into the case. Things grow tense. ZORG Alright..I've got an open mind here.. anyone care to explain? TOM: The plot would end right here if the magic elements weren't missing. MIKE: *ZORG* Very good. Thank you. Lost track of myself for a moment there. 74 INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo explains what happened in her language. CORNELIUS (translating) She says that the Guardians never really had much faith in humans. TOM: Nuff said! CROW: Yeah, let's face it, humans suck! MIKE: Thank you so very much, guys. They were afraid of being attacked. The stones were given to someone they could trust who took another route. MIKE: Ah, a new agent. She's supposed to contact this person in a little less than twelve hours from now in a hotel. CROW: Now THIS is more my level... MIKE: Crow... She's looking for the address! A map of the stars flashes onto the screen, Leeloo points. TOM: Yakko, Wakko... LEELOO Dot! CROW: You read ahead! TOM: It gets things over faster. The little group comes over to look. DAVID Planet Fhloston, in the Angel constellation MIKE: Sad, they have no star, just a constellation. CROW: Maybe they can save up to buy one. Cornelius plops down into his armchair. CORNELIUS ...We're saved! 75 INT. ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY ZORG I'm fucked! MIKE: I hope not in front of us. Zorg calmly closes the case and gives Aknot a blood-chilling stare. AKNOT You asked for a case. We brought you a case. CROW: So "Aknot" is Mangalore for "Lawyer." TOM: Pretty much. ZORG (shouting) A case with four stones in it. Not one! Not two or three! But four!!! Four Stones!!! MIKE: *Count VonCount* FOUR GLORIOUS STONES! AH AH AH AH AH... TOM: MUST we do that joke every time? What the fuck am I supposed to do with an EMPTY case?!! CROW: Call Kenneth Starr, of course AKNOT's men grow edgy. AKNOT (tense) ...We are warriors, not merchants! MIKE: Insert your own Doctor McCoy joke here, folks. ZORG (humored) But you can still count. Look... my fingers. He holds up four fingers. CROW: Miraculously, all middle ones ZORG ...Four stones, four crates... Zero stones... (yelling) ZERO CRATES!!! (to his men) Put everything back, we're outta here. AKNOT's warriors turn their weapons on Zorg. AKNOT (icily) We risked our lives. I believe a little compensation is in order. CROW: Have a lollipop. ZORG (smiling) So, you are a merchant, after all. (to his men) Leave them one crate. For the cause! MIKE: And that would be... TOM: Moving the plot along until we have more action or Leeloo gets less clothes. Zorg's men leave a crate and exit with the other three. 76 EXT. OUTSIDE ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Zorg walks along the street to his limo. RIGHT ARM carries the empty case. ZORG I don't like warriors! They're too narrow-minded, no sublety. Worse, they fight for hopeless causes..for honor! Honor has killed millions of people but hasn't saved a single one. (pause) TOM: *ZORG* What was I ranting about again? CROW: *RIGHT ARM* Warriors, Sir. TOM: *ZORG* Oh yes, sorry. Anyway... You know what -- do I like though, I like killer. A real dyed in the wool killer. Cold-blooded. Clean. Methodical. Thorough. A killer, when he picked up the ZF1, would've immediately asked about the little red button on the bottom of the gun. 77 INT. HALLWAY ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY The warriors have all taken a weapon. One of them inspects his ZF1. He turns it over and notices the little red button. He presses it. CROW: Mangalore "Stimpy", I presume. 78 EXT. OUTSIDE ZORG'S WAREHOUSE - DAY Behind Zorg, an ear-shattering explosion levels the warehouse. ZORG (impassive) Bring the priest. TOM: *ZORG* I want mass last rites for idiots 79 INT. GARAGE - DAY - OMIT 79A INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY Korben is finishing a Thai meal, cooked by a Thai on his mini restaurant anchored at the window. TOM: Uh-oh, they're doing it again The cat eats next to Korben, contented. KORBEN So you forgive me? MIKE: *the cat* For now The cat meows just as a red light blinks, announcing the arrival of a message in a glass tube. Korben ignores it. THAI Not going to open? KORBEN I've never gotten a message that wasn't bad news. CROW: Such as, "Hey, wanna be in The 5th Element?" THAI How someone strong like you scared from a message? Is good news I sure! MIKE: *THAI* Please not offended be by my stereotyped ethnicity! KORBEN The last two messages I got? The first one was from my wife telling me she was leaving! And the second was from my lawyer telling me he was leaving too... with my wife CROW: *KORBEN* And the third letter was him suing me for introducing him to the gold-digger! THAI You right that is bad.. but mathematically luck must change! Grandfather say:"It never rain every day! MIKE: *THAI* Unless you in Seattle This is good news guarantee.. I bet you lunch! TOM: Of course he fails to mention Grandfather went on a killing spree armed only with olive oil and a tenderizing hammer two years ago. Korben hesitates, then gives the envelope to the Thai, who opens it CROW: *THAI* And winner is... with a big smile that fades as reads the contents aloud. THAI ...You're fired. Oh! Korben smiles at him. KORBEN At least I won lunch. THAI Good philosophy..see good in bad.. I like..I prepare number one dessert.. special for you and pussy.. ALL: HEY! CROW: The "Mrs. Slocombe" moment, Ladies and Gentlemen, the "Mrs. Slocombe" moment. The cat meows. 79B INT. CORNELIUS' APARTMENT - DAY Leeloo is polishing of' an immense pile of dessert as David bangs away at the computer. TOM: *DAVID* Linux is easy to install my ass... DAVID I got it! Everything here we need to know about Fhloston Paradise Hotel... and a detailed blueprint of the entire hotel! CROW: *DAVID* Hope you don't mind that I broke laws on several planets to get them! CORNELIUS Good work, my son. Now all we need is a way to get there. The doorbell rings. MIKE: Or the cat CORNELIUS I'll get it. Finish your work my son. Cornelius opens to Right Arm with armed escort. RIGHT ARM Father Cornelius? CORNELIUS My son? RIGHT ARM Mr. Zorg would like a word with you. TOM: He'd like to be baptized under another name REAL bad. CORNELIUS Mr. Who? MIKE: *Strange Accent* That's Doctor Who. I didn't go to seven years of TimeLord Medical School to be called Mister, thank you very much. TOM: Whooo Mike, Ripping off Mr. Myers! 80 EXT. MANHATTAN - OMIT 81 INT. HALLWAY CORNELIUS APARTMENT - OMIT 82 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 83 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Zorg turns to Cornelius. ZORG Zorg. Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg... nice to see you again CROW: OK, I'm sorry, I do NOT buy the name. MIKE: Me neither. TOM: This has got to be a joke. CROW: At least it's his LAST name. TOM: Small comfort. CORNELIUS I remember you now..the so called art dealer. ZORG I'm glad you got your memory back Father...Because you're going to need it... Where are the stones? CROW: You know, I CAN see Jagger surviving another 500 years or so. MIKE: Or 5000. CROW: Oh, yeah. CORNELIUS ...Why on earth do the stones interest you? TOM: *ZORG* You kidding, ain't you ever heard Jumpin' Jack Flash? ZORG Personally, they are of no interest me, I'd rather sell weapons..but I have a customer.. so tell me... MIKE: *ZORG* You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? CORNELIUS Even it I did know where the stones were I would never tell somebody like you. ZORG Why? What's wrong with me? CROW: Your last name sounds like the sound effect in a comic book. TOM: You're a complete psycho hosebag. MIKE: You sell weapons to crazed idiot aliens. CORNELIUS ...I'm a priest! I'm here to serve life, All you want to do is destroy it. TOM: Ah, so he belongs to no currently existing denomination. ZORG Ah, Father... You are so wrong. Let me explain... MIKE: I sense he's gonna go into Full Metal Morden here. TOM: I think I remember earlier someone reprimanding me for Babylon 5 riffs? *ahem* MIKE: Ok, ok... Zorg leads Cornelius into his inner office. ZORG ...would you like a drink? CORNELIUS No thank you. ZORG Follow me.. Life, which you so nobly serve, comes from destruction. Look at this empty glass. MIKE *ZORG* LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! Zorg pushes the glass with his finger. TOM: He teases glassware. This is one sick mamma-jamma. ZORG Here it is... peaceful... serene... but if it is... Zorg pushes the glass off the table. It shatters on the floor. ZORG Destroyed... Small individual robots, both free-wheeling and integrated, TOM: Both extraverted and introverted. CROW: Both Male and Female come zipping out to clean up the mess. ZORG ...Look at all these little things... so busy all of a sudden. Notice how each one is useful. What a lovely ballet, so full of form and color. So full of..life! CORNELIUS They are robots! TOM and CROW: Hey! MIKE: Calm down guys, I'm sure it's nothing personal. CROW: Now I understand why that comment about humans hurt, Mike. A SERVANT comes in pours water in another glass. Zorg tosses a cherry into it. ZORG Yes but... by that simple gesture of destruction. I gave work to at least fifty people today. The engineers, the technicians, the mechanics. Fifty people who will be able to feed their children so they can grow up big and strong. Children who will have children of their own, adding to the great cycle of life! TOM: Is it just me or did the villain almost make a point? Cornelius sits in silence. MIKE: *CORNELIUS* Sorry, just trying to remember the words to the "Pina Colada" song. ZORG Father, by creating a little destruction, I am, in fact, encouragine live! So, in reality, you and I are in the same business! TOM: Yeah, just look at the Inquisition and the Crusades. CORNELIUS Destroying a glass is one thing..killing people with the weapons you produce is quite another. CROW: There's more splattery stuff, for one. ZORG Let me reassure you Father..I will never kill more people in my entire life than religion has killed in the last 2000 years. MIKE: Whoa, score two for the Zorgmeister. TOM: I prefer to think of him as Mr. Z. It's easier Zorg smiles, holds up the glass and takes a drink. Unfortunately, he chokes on the cherry. Unable to breathe, Zorg starts to panic. CORNELIUS (mocking) Where's the robot to pat your back? TOM: *ZORG* Damn. Should... have... bought... that... model. Zorg falls, writhing, on his desk, MIKE: Doing his Joe Cocker impression TOM: I prefer John Belushi's MIKE: Well John Belushi isn't here, is he inadvertently hitting buttons which trigger a slew of mechanisms. They pop out all over the desk. True chaos reigns. Even a cage appears, holding a Souliman ALL: *SINGING* I'M A SOULIMAN! Aktapan, a fat multicolored beastie, PICASSO, who seems surprised to be out in daylight. He licks his half-dead master in thanks. Cornelius gets up and walks around the desk. Zorg motions for help. CORNELIUS Can I give you a hand? MIKE: Not a RIGHT HAND, Zorg's already got one Cornelius whacks him on the back. The cherry comes flying out. Zorg regains control of himself. GUARDS come running in. TOM: They don't respond to choking noises or mechanical chaos, but hear a back-wack? ZORG You saved my life... So, I'm going to spare yours. (to the GUARDS) Throw him out! The GUARDS throw Cornelius out. CROW: He says it, they do it TOM: Pretty straight-forward MIKE: *British Accent* Father Cornelius is an example of a BAD encyclopedia salesman CORNELIUS You are a monster, Zorg! TOM: I wouldn't touch you with a... ALL: *SINGING* thirty nine-and-a-half foot pooooole ZORG (complimented) I know... The GUARDS drag Cornelius out of the office. ZORG ...Torture whoever you want, the president if you have to but I want those Stones. You have an hour. TOM: *GUARD* But we can't even get the needles and hot oil ready by then, sir! Right Arm salutes and hurries out of the office. 84 EXT. MANHATTAN STREET - OMIT MIKE: Here we go again 85 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - OMIT 86 INT./EXT. STREET / TAXI - OMIT 87 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT 88 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - DAY - OMIT TOM: No one will be admitted during the gripping Omission scenes 89 INT. HALLWAY - OMIT 90 INT. REFRIGERATION ROOM - OMIT CROW: I think this is their way of playing a joke on us....a big, unfunny joke 91 INT. TAXI - OMIT CROW: How much longer are they gonna do this, Mike? MIKE: Just think of it as many many lines that this movie is saving us from 92 INT. ROOM - DAY - OMIT MIKE: *sigh* 93 INT. TAXI - OMIT TOM: Omit, omit... 94 INT. ROOM - DAY - OMIT 95 INT. TAXI - OMIT CROW: Hey Tom, you wanna play 20 questions? 96 INT. SHAFT - OMIT TOM: Umm, sure. Might as well while we sit through this 97 INT. GARAGE - OMIT CROW: Are you mineral? TOM: Yeah CROW: Are you a tamagotchi? TOM: Bingo 98 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE - OMIT ALL: Dooby dooby doo... *MIKE looks like he's checking his watch* 99 INT. GARAGE - OMIT MIKE: Shame we don't get to see the Garage scene, that seemed interesting. I think I might have gotten a potholder for a quarter 100 INT. LOCKER ROOM GARAGE - OMIT TOM: Mike, I'm thinking of something green MIKE: Money CROW: Vomit INT. GARAGE - OMIT MIKE: Crow, where'd you get vomit? CROW: It just came to me 102 INT. LOCKER ROOM GARAGE - OMIT MIKE: You're weird, Crow, very weird 103 INT. KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY - OMIT 104 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - OMIT ALL: GET ON WITH IT! 105 EXT. / INT. SPACE / SPACESHIP ...The dark planet. Three warships are positioned in front of it. Communication satellites arrive from all over the place, drawn to it like a magnet. CAPTAIN (observing) It's gobbling up all the communication satellites in the galaxy! TOM: And the communication sattelites return to their natural breeding ground - low geosyncronous orbit over Evil. 106 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg appears even more crushed by recent events. PRESIDENT Why the hell is it eating up all those satellites like that? HEAD SCIENTIST (desperate) ...We're working on it, Mr. President. We're working on it. PRESIDENT It should only choke on them. MIKE: *PRESIDENT* I nearly did when I tried to eat a Teledesic 2000! I'll never do that again, lemme tell you MUNRO enters the office just as a cockroach crawls onto the desk. There's a small antenna on its back. TOM: Great, now we're in Joe's Apartment 107 INT. SMALL ROOM Zorg's Right Arm wears earphones, monitoring the President's conversation with the cockroach-spy. MIKE: I don't mean to be harsh on president Lindbergh, but when the roaches work against you, you have a problem. 108 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE / SMALL ROOM MUNRO I managed to contact the Mondoshawan. They deplore the incident, but accept our apologies. MIKE: *MUNRO* But that if we do it again, our entire civilization will be deftly spanked PRESIDENT (relieved) And the Stones? Did you find them in the wreckage? TOM: The stones ARE the wreckage. CROW: Maybe they were in the Teenage Wasteland TOM: That's the Who. CROW: Who? TOM: The Who. CROW: Who? TOM: NOW CUT THAT OUT! MUNRO The-Stones weren't aboard the ship. MIKE: They were on tour PRESIDENT (surprised) ...What do you mean? TOM: He means THE STONES WEREN'T ON THE BLOODY SHIP! The President is all ears. So is Zorg's Right Arm. *TOM's head explodes* CROW: Tom? MIKE: The confusing talk about body parts must've shorted him out CROW: Can you fix him? MIKE: Of course. Just read on while I do this, here. There's a toolbox I keep under these seats for emergencies *MIKE bends down and disappears. The noises of searching under the seats are heard* MUNRO The Mondoshawan never fully trusted the human race.. CROW: Yeah, humans suck MIKE's voice: Watch it... they felt we're too unpredictable..so they gave up the Stones to Somebody they do trust. CROW: I guess after "Steel Wheels", who wouldn't...Mike you found it yet? MIKE's voice: Not yet, It's pretty dark down here. Why is it no matter what theater you go in anywhere there's popcorn, spilled pop, and Ju Ju Bees on the floor...Wait, here we go Her name is Plavalaguna. CROW: *singing* and she dances on the sand... She's a Diva and she's going to sing at the charity ball on Fhloston Paradise in a few hours. She has the Stones with her. *MIKE pops back into view and begins installing a spare head on TOM* The President breathes easier. *MIKE finishes with TOM's head* TOM: I'm back. What'd I miss CROW: Well the Right Arm is spying on the President Zorg's Right Arm is delighted. TOM: His left buttock on the other hand is very irate PRESIDENT (taking off a shoe) Excellent! The President crushes the cockroach with his shoe. MIKE: *PRESIDENT* We will BURY you! Right Arm's earphones fly off his head. Good-bye eardrums. CROW: You know when your script resorts to slang to tell you what happens... I dunno. It's not a good sign. TOM: As bad as that...body...part...scene. MIKE: *pats TOM* Now, now, it's over. Relax. 109 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT I want your best man on this! TOM: Ooh, and I suppose the Maid of Honor isn't GOOD enough MUNRO Don't worry, Sir. I have the one. MIKE: PERFECTION! TOM: Look for perfection in your daily battles against evil! 110 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT - DAY CROW: Umm, movie? He said the PERFECT one. HELLO? C.U. The most disgusting dessert ever made. Korben looks at it shimmying on a plate MIKE: It's dancing? as the Thai serves it to him proudly. THAI Stewed jellyfish cake.. my speciality.. MIKE: *THAI* And later, Ox Dung crumpets! Korben forces a weak, polite smile as the Thai looks on expectantly. The phone rings. MIKE: It might be the cat again TOM: Or the door CROW: Or the alarm MIKE: Hell, For all I know it could be Right Arm's ears KORBEN Saved by the bell. TOM: Look, movie do you want my head to explode again? THEN MAKE SENSE Korben rises to get his cigarettes, and answer the phone. MIKE: But I think it's the cat.. TOM: or the door... CROW: Or Right Arm's Ears KORBEN ...Hello? TOM: *singing* is it me you're looking for... MOTHER (V.O.) You're the nastiest dirtbag I know in this stinking City! MIKE: Geez, calm down Mrs. Stern KORBEN (resigned) Hi Ma... MOTHER (V.O.) I've been playing twice a week for 20 years, 20 years I've been eating those shitty croquettes. TOM: Hey, Mike she sounds like YOUR mom MIKE: That was low, Tom. Very very low Korben goes to light his cigarette. There are only two matches left in the match box. Korben strikes one and it fizzles. MOTHER (V.O.) You wouldn't even eat one to help your poor mother, and you win the big prize? Know something? The whole thing makes me sick! MIKE: We do sympathize, Mrs. Dallas The Thai starts to clean up. Just as Korben goes to strike the second match.. CROW:...A bullet flies through the window and pierces his temple MIKE: Late on darkness today, Crow? MOTHER (V.O.) Are you listening to me, you ingrate! KORBEN (resigned) Yes ma.. Korben sighs and puts the match back in the box. TOM: *KORBEN* I just need some gasoline to douse myself with and it'll all work out... MIKE: I see the darkness has claimed you too, Tom. TOM: Get something Perfect to battle it, Monkey-boy. CROW: Whoa, burn! Korben enters his code on the keypad the Thai is holding. KORBEN (to the Thai) Go on... This is gonna take a while! The Thai casts oft. Korben closes the window. KORBEN Other than that... You all right? MOTHER (V.O.) ...And now you're making fun of me? I'm warning you! If you don't take me after all these years of sacrifice, I'll never forgive you!! The Thai flies off. TOM: It's Tinkerchef! Clap your hands if you believe in jellyfish cakes! In the hall, the cat meows-for more food. ALL: *Meowing the Meow Mix jingle* KORBEN (to the cat) I'm coming!. Ma, what're you talking about? MIKE: Our hero kisses unconscious girls, eats jellyfish cake, calls his cat 'honey' and hates his mother. My what a role model we've got here! MOTHER (V.O.) I get it! You want to make me beg, is that it? CROW: *MOTHER* No, just get on your knees and bark like a dog . . . MIKE and TOM: Crow! KORBEN All I want is an explanation! I just got in, I lost my job. I smashed my cab. I got mugged, but other than that everything's peachy, Ma, thanks for asking!! Now settle down and explain to me calmly.. TOM: Is this some weird pro-choice scene Mike? MIKE: I...uh...have no idea. A message drops in his tube. The red light goes on. ALL: OH NO HE'S GOT MOVIE SIGN! MOTHER (V.O.) You just won a trip, you dolt! Ten days in Fhloston Paradise for two! TOM: Betcha Bob Barker didn't see THAT one coming CROW: *KORBEN* The price is WRONG, bitch KORBEN Ma. If I'd won, I'd know about it. Someone would have notified me. MOTHER (V.O.) They've been blaring out your name on the radio for the last hour, blockhead! MIKE: *KORBEN* I don't listen to Z-Rock anymore, ma, I can't stand those chatty DJs. He eyeballs the message still in the tube. The doorbell rings.- MIKE: Or the alarm... CROW: Or the cat... TOM: I'm getting tired of these jokes, aren't you? MIKE: I think we can milk them just a bit more. TOM: Oh, OK. One more time, but if you do it once more after that, I'll explode again and I PROMISE shrapnel. KORBEN Ma.. it's the door. I'll call you back. Korben hangs up before his mother can say anything and heads for the door. Before he gets there it opens, General Munro enters followed by a Captain and a Major. MAJOR ICEBORG is a woman. TOM: ICEBORG? How'd she get that name? CROW: She probably tried to assimilate the Arctic All she needs to become a man is a mustache. ALL: AAACK! MIKE: Please, movie. Don't go there, we beg you Munro opens a file. MUNRO (clipped) Major Dallas, if our calculations are correct you still have 57 hours owed to the Federal Army on your enlistment which is more than you will need for a mission of the utmost importance. TOM: Should you or any of your IMF team be captured or killed during this mission...it won't really matter KORBEN What mission? MUNRO To save the world. CROW: Again?? Geez, turn your back for a moment and the stupid world is into everything! KORBEN Where have I heard this song before? MIKE: In just about every Sci-Fi film you can mention. Why, is it important? MUNRO You're to leave immediately for Fhloston Paradise. Retrieve four Stones from the Diva Plavalaguna. TOM: *MUNRO* Figure out how to pronounce her name properly... And bring them back with the utmost discretion as possible. Any questions'? KORBEN (a little bewildered) Just one... why me? MIKE: Because Jerry Doyle is busy, Kevin Sorbo likes more sensitive roles, Arnold Schwartzennegar's career is still reeling from Batman and Robin, Patrick Swayze is shooting another movie and Wesley Snipes isn't quite the type to play Korben. MUNRO Three reasons... One: As part of The Elite Special Forces Unit of the Federated Army you are an expert in the use of all weapons and spacecraft needed for this mission. TOM: Translation, you can kill crap with complicated crap. Munro pulls out a long list of documents. MUNRO Two: Of all the members of your unit you were the most highly decorated. KORBEN And the third one? CROW: *MUNRO* You're the only one dumb enough MUNRO You're the only one left alive... MIKE: *LAUGHING* So our hero could be a guy who lived because he was sick the day everyone else went on a suicide mission and died heroically? Munro removes the message Korben hasn't bothered to look at. MUNRO Don't you open your messages? TOM: Don't you ever shut up? MIKE: You know, it's times like this that I wish this were the Brion James from Blade Runner, if you know what I mean KORBEN I've had enough good news for today MUNRO (by rote) You have won the annual Gemini contest and a trip to Fhloston Paradise for two. Congratulations. Here are your tickets. He hands Korben the tickets. Korben gets it. MIKE: Good, since I sure don't. KORBEN You rigged the contest? Munro nods. CROW: *KORBEN* That's also how come I always win those "guess the song" contests! MUNRO Major Iceborg will accompany you... as your wife... The idea of taking a trip with Iceborg makes him sick. TOM: Yeah, well let's ask Mrs. Iceborg how SHE feels, buddy KORBEN (sarcastic) You couldn't come up with something a little more discreet? MIKE: You drive a flying cab, eat meals from a skyborne chef, and rescue alien girls. Isn't it a little late to worry about discretion? MUNRO Old tricks are the best tricks eh? KORBEN I'm not going. MUNRO Why not? KORBEN One reason... I want to stay the only one left alive. TOM: Certainly self-sacrificing, isn't he MIKE: Again, our hero. 110A INT. KORBEN'S HALL Leeloo and Cornelius search for Korben's apartment. Leeloo carries the card Korben gave her. Cornelius finds the apartment, and yanks the. number off the door. He waves Leeloo over as his hand goes to the bell. 110B INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT The doorbell rings. MIKE: Or the alarm, or the cat...Hmm Tom I think you're right, this is getting tired TOM: Good. KORBEN ...Scuse me. TOM: *Singing*.....while I kiss the sky! Yeah! Korben goes to the door and looks out the peephole: the beautiful Leeloo. Korben panics, overcome with happiness. MIKE: *double take* What? TOM: So happiness makes him panic or panic makes him happy? MIKE: I'm not sure. KORBEN ...Shit! MUNRO (worried) What is it? Korben has two seconds to make up something to get rid of Munro. TOM: How about those guns he collected from muggers... KORBEN It's my wife. MUNRO I thought you were divorced. TOM: *MUNRO* I can't keep track of the plot either, to tell you the truth. KORBEN I mean my future.. my ex.. My future ex.. if she sees you here I'm finished. She hates you guys. It's what killed us in the first place. Please... He puts them in the fridge, shoving the jellyfish cake in Iceborg's hands. KORBEN ...Sorry, General, but we've got no choice! It'll only take a minute! Let me set up another meeting and I'll be back. CROW: Why do I feel this is suddenly a Mel Brooks movie? MIKE: Oh, there's a disturbing thought. MUNRO Three of us will never fit in there! KORBEN (pushing him) Oh, yes you will... CROW: It disturbs me that he knows how many people will fit in his refrigerator. Korben slams the fridge door. The doorbell RINGS again. KORBEN ...Coming! He whips through his place in ten seconds, gathers up things laying about, shuts drawers, rolls up his laundry in the folding bed. He brushes his hair back and opens the door with a big smile only to discover a gun stuck between his eyes held by Cornelius. CROW: Cornelius is holding his eyes? TOM: I'm not sure. MIKE: I think that Cornelius has a gun pointed between Korben's eyes, but I'm not sure. LEELOO Apipoulai! TOM: Which in her language means, 'This is for kissing me, schlub!' KORBEN I suppose that means "Hi" ? CORNELIUS I'm sorry to have to resort to such methods, but we heard about your good luck on he radio and we need the tickets to Fhloston. TOM: I don't want to be critical, but shouldn't Korben be a bit more annoyed that he rescues alien girls, get fired, eats lunch from Tinkerchef, is asked to save the world and THEN is mugged by a priest. Guys, may I? CROW AND MIKE: Sure. TOM: His reaction.... Dull Surprise! KORBEN Is that the usual way priests go on vacation? CROW: *CORNELIUS* Normally we steal from our congregations, but money's been tight CORNELIUS We're not going on vacation..we're on a mission.. KORBEN What kind of mission? MIKE: *Elwood Blues* A mission from God CORNELIUS (sincere) We have to save the world. TOM: Lot of that going around lately, isn't there. KORBEN (skeptical) Good luck.. CORNELIUS Of course. KORBEN Father, I was in the Army for awhile and every time they told us we were on a mission to save the world the only thing that changed was I lost a lot of friends. So thanks for the offer.. but no thanks. Cornelius is disappointed. Leeloo looks crestfallen. TOM: She dropped her toothpaste. MIKE: *GROAN* Tom... CROW: As long as he avoids 'Tom Swift' jokes, we're safe. KORBEN I'm sorry.. VOICE This is a police control action.. Everyone freezes as the whole building resounds with the electronic voice. 111 INT. LANDING KORBEN'S BUILDING A group of POLICEMEN bursts into the hallway. One of the cops enters a code on the police wall box. A device descends from the ceiling, a flashing light-siren, a VOICE fills the air. VOICE This is not an exercise. This is a police control. TOM: And now, suddenly, we're in Judge Dredd! Cornelius starts to panic. Korben takes charge. CORNELIUS Oh my god oh my god.. TOM: Small 'g', must be a pantheist. CROW: God is a cooking utensil? MIKE: Crow, you still haven't recovered from that 'edge of the universe' experience, have you? Korben pushes a button sending the fridge to the next floor. A shower takes it's place. TOM: Apartment by Japanese Housing Commission. KORBEN Leeloo, hide in here and don't move! Leeloo hops in. Korben tosses Cornelius on the bed. CROW: Bet this is unfamiliar territory for the good Father CORNELIUS What are you doing? KORBEN Trying to save your ass so you can save the world. MIKE: That gave me one weird image. ..and hits a button on the wall. The bed disappears into the wall. Korben grabs his tickets and slides them in his belt. 112 INT. LANDING KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY Meanwhile, the automatic police voice continues. VOICE ...Spread your legs and place your hands in the yellow circles, please. CROW: I have to ask, is a fascist police state world led by an incompetent president and a perverted military WORTH saving? TOM: Good point. A COP slaps a viewer device on Korben's door which makes part of it transparent. COP 1 Put your hands in the yellow circles, please. Korben takes his time hiding his face. The Cop looks at his sheet. He's looking for a... KORBEN DALLAS. He has his picture, but it is Korben with long hair and beard. CROW: I see even in the future Drivers Licenses still look wrong six months after you're taken the picture for them. COP 1 (to COP 2) Sir? Are you a human? MIKE: Er, why is he asking another Cop this? KORBEN No, I'm a meat popsicle. TOM: Hmm, coulda fooled us CROW: Who is talking to who about being human? TOM: I have no idea. COP 3 (at the other end of the hall) I found him! MIKE: I'm so happy to see "don't ask, don't tell" has gotten far in the futuristic police force. C.U. Korben's calling card is clumsily stuck to the door of the neighbor's apartment. COP 3 slaps the viewer on the nasty neighbor's door. The neighbor is at his sink shaving instead of against the wall, COP 1 arrives with Korben's picture. TOM: So how did Korben mess with his neighbor's picture? CROW: I don't know. Maybe this is an all-Korben building. Maybe New York is alphabetized. DO I CARE? COP 1 Sir, this is a control. Please put your hands in the yellow circles. The neighbor steps right up to the viewer, shaving cream on his face. He could pass for Korben. NEIGHBOR Fuck you!! TOM: We're about to see Darwinism in action, ladies and gentlemen. 113 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT Korben still has his hands to the wall. KORBEN Wrong answer. CROW: *British Accent* I'm sorry, I'm afraid you lose the three piece suite AND your youngest daughter SHOT O.S. EXPLOSION. Scuffle. 114 INT. HALL The riot police hustle down the hall dragging the neighbor behind them in a canvas bag. A cop is on the wall phone. TOM: Pretty strong phone to support all that weight. COP OK, we got the guy under wraps. 115 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Right Arm is on the phone, facing Zorg. CROW: *RIGHT ARM* She says she's a lonely college coed and she's wearing a miniskirt and tank top. Now what? COP (O.S.) It was not easy, but we bagged him!. Thanks for the tip! RIGHT ARM (smiling) Glad to help. He hangs up. RIGHT ARM They just arrested the guy for Uranium smuggling. Everything's going as planned. TOM: I wish the author of the script could say the same thing. What the Sam Hill is going on here? He shows him a plane ticket, and a passport with his picture and Korben's name. RIGHT ARM All I have to do now is to go to the airport and take his place. I should be in Fhloston in less than four hours. Zorg sits there quietly for a moment. MIKE: *ZORG* How did we get to this point in the plot again? ZORG Don't come back without the Stones. TOM: *ZORG* I'm just DYIN' to hear Start Me Up MIKE: If I hear many more Stones jokes, MY head is going to explode 116 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT Korben opens the shower door. Leeloo is soaking wet, her teeth chattering from the cold. MIKE: Poor thing. She was so worried about being attracted to Korben she took a cold shower. KORBEN I'm really sorry.. there wasn't time. His eyes fall on an old blanket. CROW: umm...you might want to pick those up there, Korben... TOM: Maybe it's covering up something WORSE! CROW: Ick. KORBEN Here let me wrap you up. Korben wraps her in an blanket and vigoroualy rubs her back. Leeloo warms gradually and snuggles closer to that warm comfortable shoulder. Korben's rubbing slows, looking more like caresses. MIKE: I call the author got WAY too involved in his story here! CROW: I second it! KORBEN ..It's funny. I've met you twice today and you've ended up in my arms both times. TOM: This is about as romantic as any random Adam Sandler film. Leeloo suddenly realizes that she has maybe gone a bit too far. She recovers, looking embarrassed too. LEELOO (nicely) Valo massa... Chacha hamas. CROW: Isn't Chacha Hamas the Mexican branch of an Islamic radical group? KORBEN Uh..you're welcome. The intimacy makes him nervous. TOM: I think we're seeing WHY his marriage didn't work... He looks for a diversion. KORBEN Coffee! That's what you need! A nice, hot cup of coffee! He pushes a button on the coffee machine. MIKE: Push the button, Korben. CROW: *nostalgic sigh* Oh weren't those the days... KORBEN With some honey! You'll see, honey's great!... TOM: Especially if you let me pour it down your back, where it slowly moves downward towards your... no, wait, uh... Korben rummages through the drawer. Leeloo, innocent, doesn't seem to quite understand everything that is going on. MIKE: Much like us TOM: Though by now we DEFINITELY can't be called innocent. KORBEN A hot cup of coffee... with honey... He rummages through the cupboard, exceedingly nervous. Leeloo smiles and begins to look around. She opens a drawer and comes upon.. CROW: Korben's lingerie! MIKE: Ewww, Crow we needed that like an aneurysm KORBEN (nervously) I've got this great honey somewhere. You know about honey? There used to be these little animals who made it with antenna... MIKE: The Bugaloos? TOM: Ray Walston? ..pictures of Major Korben Dallas War Hero. CROW: Beside pictures of Major Korben Dallas Soul Diva KORBEN ..and these other animals who ate it.. one were bees the other were bears.. She looks back to the man fumbling for honey. MIKE: *Chris Berman* HE DOES NOT...GO...ALL...THE...WAAAAY... KORBEN I forget which ate it and which made it but.. TOM: *KORBEN* ...I'd forget my own butt if it weren't attached And she smiles. KORBEN Here it is! Korben holds up the jar of honey. KORBEN Taste this... CROW: Does he notice the expiration date is from three years ago? Leeloo innocently sticks his finger in the jar then puts it in her mouth. KORBEN It... melts in your mouth, doesn't it? MIKE: That never worked for me...*sigh* TOM: It helps if you're wearing the orange undershirt, Mike. MIKE: I am. TOM: A NATURALLY orange undershirt, Mike. MIKE: I see...hey! TOM: How do we know his Orange Undershirt is orange? This is a script MIKE: Promo shots? TOM: Since when do we get Promo Shots? CROW: Remember the Summer Movie Review we did last year?: Ohhhhh yeah. She savors the honey, slowly; sensually. Her lips shine with honey. Her eyes narrow with pleasure. Korben is hypnotized by her lips, like a moth attracted to a flame. He begins to lose control, which makes him nervous. CROW: Dyed blond thinning hair and an orange undershirt always makes ME nervous An indistinct sound comes from the wall. But Korben is so entranced with the sight of Leeloo licking her honied fingers, he doesn't hear it until it becomes quite a racket. MIKE: *irate neighbor* QUIT IT WITH THE SEXUAL INNUENDO, WILL YA? I'M TRYIN' TA SLEEP!! KORBEN You hear that? MIKE: *KORBEN* It's the sound of my career evaporating LEELOO (licking) Cornelius.. KORBEN Oh god! TOM: *God* What!? What do you want! I'm trying to watch Mannix! CROW: No, Cornelius! He's not that good an actor, sheesh... Korben pushes the button on the wall. The bed pops out, fully made, with Cornelius tucked in it, struggling to get out. TOM: *KORBEN* Sorry dude, haven't changed the sheets since November KORBEN I'm really sorry.. let me help you.. Korben begins to pull at the covers when.. CROW:...Leeloo starts jabbering more nonsense a la "Crazy Mixed-Up Zombies" LEELOO Achta ge lumitai de matala.. CROW: See what I mean? TOM: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living, Started Living Again and Became Mixed-Up Supreme Beings. MIKE: Ah, TISCWSLSLABMUSB. Great movie. Korben turns.. MIKE: ...the undead. TOM: And my stomach. KORBEN What? MIKE: Isn't it cute how all this gibberish kinda sounds like an actual language? TOM: Now Mike that was a mean put-down of this script He turns to Leeloo struggling out of her wet clothes. His breath is taken away by the sight of her perfect body. CROW: What is the point of a supreme being that makes everyone ogle her so they can't save the world? TOM: To sell movie tickets. Cornelius whacks him heavily on the head with a lamp. Korben drops to the floor. MIKE: Ooookay, so "Achta ge lumitai de matala" means "Hit him over the head with a lamp" TOM: Hey Crow CROW: Yeah TOM: Achta ge lumitai de matala. hehehehehehe MIKE: Now cut that out LEELOO (displeased) Vano da, mechteba?! Soun domo kala chon hammas! TOM: Translation: I want mine with extra hummus! CORNELIUS No, I'm not proud of myself... But we don't have the luxury of choice. MIKE: *Jonathan Pryce* Because Choice is something you want in a car TOM: Yes we have a choice...BURN THE SCRIPT! 117 INT. ENTRANCE KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY The POLICE exit the elevator and head for the front door. A cop suddenly takes a hit from a silencer, then a second. MIKE: Whoever's kacking these guys should realize a silencer is NOT a hand-to-hand weapon. CROW: I don't know, it seemed pretty effective to me. Others are bashed on the head by MANGALORE warriors. TOM: It's the Mangalore Festival of Daryl Gates One of them picks up the prisoner bag, takes it into a small shed. MIKE: Hey, hey HEY! TOM: Now this is totally uncalled for! 118 INT. SHED Aknot, the Mangalore leader, is seriously wounded and can't walk. MIKE: Been there... CROW: Done that... TOM: Got the t-shirt AKANIT Korben Dallas! We got him. AKNOT Perfect... Take command, Akanit. Go to Fhloston and get the Stones... CROW: *AKNOT* And if you can't book them, try Gary Puckett and the Union Gap, I hear they're available. If Zorg really wants them... He'll have to negotiate. Revenge is at hand. TOM: *AKNOT* And then we get the script writer for giving our species such a dumb name! 119 INT. KORBEN'S APARTMENT KORBEN'S BUILDING - DAY Korben gets unsteadily to his feet, some blood drips down his face. He daubs at it. KORBEN Jesus!... Some priest! MIKE: *Jesus* Hey what do you expect ME to do? The phone rings, he manages to answer. CROW: Walking plot contrivance, comic relief, and action hero. May I help you? KORBEN Yeah? MOTHER (V.O) Have you pulled yourself together? KORBEN ...Not yet. MIKE: *as creaky, insane old lady* Norman! You're a bad bad boy! He hangs up. Korben opens the fridge door. The three officers are frozen solid. Korben grabs some ice, presses it to his forehead. CROW: Ahhh! That'll put the old brain fire out for a while! KORBEN I'll take the mission. He closes the door. ALL: *muffle trumpet* Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaah. MIKE: The hypothermia scene, ladies and gentlemen TOM: Yep, nothing more funny than seeing people risk freezing to death slowly and horribly while trapped in a confined space. 120 INT. AIRPORT HALL - DAY Cornelius and Leeloo (still damp) CROW: And don't we just love her like that? TOM and MIKE: Uh-HUH! arrive at the Manhattan Intergalactic Airport. A huge hall three quarters filled with trash piled up to the ceiling. MIKE: *radio voice* The Garbagebeing's strike is in it's second decade.. There are groups of extra-terrestrials on strike standing in trash holding picket signs. A SECURITY GUARD picks up a phone off the wall. TOM: Now THAT'S good guardin' SECURITY GUARD Illegal gathering in Zone 4. CROW: *gruff scratchy voice* There can be only ONE! MIKE: Not that kind of Gathering, Crow TOM: And before you ask Crow, NOT the kind that requires Magic cards either. A hand taps Leeloo from behind. CROW: *jumps* Jeez, Thing stop sneaking up on me! She whips around catching David in the face. TOM: Dangerous little minx, isn't she. CROW: Oh you KNOW she's been waiting to do that for the whole script CORNELIUS Leeloo, be careful. He turns to David who in holding his bloody nose. CROW: IS! IS HOLDING HIS BLOODY NOSE! *sigh* stupid Luc Besson MIKE: Now, Crow don't be mean to the Frenchman CORNELIUS Did you get them? TOM: Man, what you have to do for Riverdance tickets in the 23rd century... David hands Cornelius two passports. CORNELIUS Excellent... Leeloo Dallas. He hands it to her. The name makes her smile. CORNELIUS And Korben David Dallas. She frowns. MIKE: Awww, she wants to be David too LEELOO Akta dedero ansila do mektet. TOM: Now she's speaking Anime CORNELIUS I can't pretend to be your husband... David's in great shape. MIKE: Yeah, a life in the clergy makes you a total studbod. She looks at David holding his bloody nose. CROW: Geez, ripped that sucker right off, didn't she CORNELIUS He'll protect you. Go on... See the Diva... get the Stones... See you at the temple... God be with you. ANGLE ON: Korben comes rushing into the airport. Walking quickly, he scopes the hall looking for Leeloo. A POLICE PATROL bearing down on the STRIKERS jostles him. The cops open fire. The strikers dive into the garbage and disappear. TOM: Mike, think they're going to explain the garbage? MIKE: *sigh* Probably not. Just there to "look cool." 121 INT. BOARDING GATE David nervously puts tickets and IDs on the check-in counter. Leeloo tosses her suitcase on the conveyor belt. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT Congratulations on winning the contest. CROW: Yeah, the vacation-in-paradise-looking-for-magic-stones-trip is a real hit every year. David gives her a bleak smile. Leeloo rolls her eyes. Back a ways, Korben has spotted Leeloo and... David. He heads right for them. Leeloo's seen him. She is both delighted and panicked. David's seen nothing. Korben presses one of his fingers like a gun to David's back. TOM: *KORBEN* Don't move, my fingernails are dirty and loaded! CROW: Funny, I think of Korben as dirty...and loaded. KORBEN (friendly) Hey! I really thought I was going to miss my flight! (to David) Thanks, kid! You put the luggage on the conveyor belt? DAVID (freaking) MIKE: Oh...Freakout! CROW: Ah, that brings back memories. Uh... yeah. KORBEN (smiling) Great! Now beat it! TOM: Sadly, after years of celibacy, David misinterprets that request. CROW: Tom! MIKE: Yeah, Tom, crude lines are Crow's department. TOM: *sarcastically* I'm sorry. I didn't read the mission statement. Paralyzed, David leaves. Korben turns to the attendant. CROW: He's paralyzed...yet he leaves MIKE: Someone's English teacher is NOT happy KORBEN Excuse me. I was so afraid I'd miss the flight that I sent the kid here to pick up my boarding card. He looks at David's fake ID. TOM: Saddened that David had himself listed as a 42-year-old Mangalore dentist. What were kids coming to these days, he wondered. KORBEN ...My cousin David... Leeloo is unable to hold back a smile. CROW: *feminine* He's so cute when he's stupid. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (looking at Leeloo's ID) Your wife? Korben grabs the ID and reads it. MIKE: Mrs. Bohunk Chunkhead...hey! KORBEN Uh, yes... Newlyweds. (aside) You know how it is... Love at first sight. TOM: *Check-In Attendant* No, sir, I lead a life of bitter longing and isolation. You meet, something goes tilt,. you get married, you hardly know each other. Right, darling? Leeloo rips her boarding card out of the attendant's hand. LEELOO (sharply) Dinoine chagantakat! TOM: Does the 'Perfect Being' here know that no one but Father Doddering understands her language. MIKE: Maybe they spelled it wrong and she's the 'Prefect Being,' and she's trying to hitchike her way across the galaxy. KORBEN Took the words right out of my mouth. Go on... I'll be right with you. (to Check-in Attendant) It's our honeymoon. We're going to use the trip to get to know each other better. MIKE: Now I know why this guy's wife left him. TOM: Looks like his life left him as well. He winks at the stewardess. CROW: *Bill Clinton* This guy's good, I gotta take me some notes! ANGLE ON: MIKE: Rock on! The neighbor and a tawdry young girl cross the airport. The couple in almost knocked over by a police patrol holding a 500 pound PIG on a stainless steel leash. TOM: Ah, Officer Wilbur. The couple panics a moment, the realize the patrol isn't for them. The pig heads for the pile where the strikers disappeared. COP (to pig) Come on, snyffer, go root! CROW: Alien strikers in hiding, Cops look for truffles, film at eleven. The pig piles into the garbage. The Cop cuts it some slack. Cornelius sits at a bar. TOM: Was that a haiku? CORNELIUS (to the bartender) I feel so guilty sending her to do the dirty work. I know she was made to be strong but she's also so fragile... So human. You know what I mean? The bartender, a robot, nods his head as he pours Cornelius a drink. TOM: I resent this gag. CROW: Yeah, this scene is supposed to be funny because robots are unemotional and uncaring. TOM: Right, we're emotional and caring, right Mike? *silence* MIKE: How about I give you one of two? *silence* CROW: You wound us. ANGLE ON: The nasty neighbor and his wife hand their tickets to the check-in attendant. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (surprised) Dallas... Korben... NEIGHBOR (in a different voice) Yes, that's me. TOM: *ATTENDANT* I may have a chance to collect the whole set! The check-in attendant triggers a transparent blue light that shines on their faces, revealing two other faces. Mangalores. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (smiling) Just a minute, please. She hits a silent alarm, but the Mangalores feel something is wrong. CROW: Aknot, I suddenly sense we're really lame villains NEIGHBOR We'll be right back ... we're gonna check out the duty free... TOM: Duty free elipses? They spin around and hurry away. ANGLE ON: Cornelius at the bar, half in the bag. MIKE: Yeah, the world's in great hands, right guys? CROW: I'm betting on the Big Ball O'Evil myself. TOM: Yeah, it's a shame when The Forces of Good get toasted while other people save the world. ROBOT The same? CORNELIUS Yeah... DAVID (V.O.) Make that two... Cornelius turns to David. CORNELIUS Where's Leeloo? TOM: With...forget it. MIKE: The 'Waldo' joke just petered out, didn't it. TOM: Yeah, as bad as that whole "Electric Boogaloo" thing. DAVID On the plane... with Mr. Dallas... the real one. CORNELIUS It's all my fault. I'm the servant... It's my mission! Here! He hands David the Temple Key from around his neck. CORNELIUS Here's the key to the Temple.. Prepare for our arrival! MIKE: BE MILDLY EXCITED as Father Cornelius makes snap descisions when he's drunk off his butt and the world hangs in the balance. Cornelius tosses David's drink into his own, downs it all in one shot, and takes off, passing the Mangalore couple headed for the exit. They are very nervous. A police patrol is coming. This time, it seems to be for them. NEIGHBOR (to the tawdry girl) Tell Aknot plan A flopped. Tell him to go to plan B. The tawdry girl nods and peels off. TOM: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrippppppppppppp! CROW: She was really hanging on to him! The neighbor takes out a gun and blasts away at the cops. The cops fire back. A firefight rages in the hall. The tawdry girl dives into a pile of garbage and disappears. CROW: What the Roberta Flack is it with the garbage here! MIKE: I know, the garbage gets more traffic than most other parts of the airport! COP (into walkie-talkie) ...Send in a back-up unit, Zone 7! ANGLE ON: On one side of the hall, a trap door opens. Three pigs come running out, grabbed by their police handler. MIKE: What, did all the dogs die in the Great Canine War of 2122? TOM: It's probably meant to seem futuristic. MIKE: They're pigs. TOM: I said futuristic. I didn't say intelligent. Cornelius waits until everyone has left, gets down on all fours and crawls through the trapdoor reserved for the pigs. MIKE: And no one sees this. No one is on security despite the alien strikers, despite the mondo pile of garbage that has people hiding in it from World War II, not . . TOM: Mike, honey, it's just a script. MIKE: Sorry. 122 INT. FIRST CLASS LOUNGE Leeloo stands at the buffet in the first class lounge eating everything in sight. MIKE: *mock mouth full* Mmmmmm, candles! Yummy, a tablecloth! 123 INT. HALL Korben is led down the hall by a STEWARDESS. STEWARDESS You are so lucky... Loc Rhod is the coolest DJ in the universe. CROW: LOC RHOD? MIKE: Oh, boy . . . TOM: Loc Rhod and Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg entered the experimental Name Transplant program today and emerged as Tom Ross and Alex Smith. Linguists hail this as a major step towards pronouncability and dignity in future scripts. KORBEN Listen... I don't want to be interviewed. I'd prefer to remain anonymous. MIKE: *KORBEN* Like I wanted to after "Hudson Hawk" The stewardess stops in the corridor. STEWARDESS Forget anonymous. You'll be doing Loc Rhod's live show every day from 5 to 7! MIKE: That may put a crimp in the "Saving the World Plan", Korben old buddy. KORBEN (expression changes) You gotta be kidding! The stewardess smiles and shakes her head. The door next to him suddenly swings open and smashes him in the face. CROW: Making Korben marginally more attractive. In walks LOC RHOD amidst a tornado of music and security guards. He is young, good-looking, eccentric, charming as an elf or sly as a fox. A bundle of energy. He is the 24th century's most popular DJ. TOM: Charming as an elf, eccentric AND a bundle of energy? CROW: I got a BAD feeling about this MIKE: You guys, I think we're about to meet a guy that makes Pee-Wee Herman look sedated and dignified. LOC RHOD (speedy, in rhythm) Korben Dallas! Here he is The most hated man in the universe. The one and only winner of the Gemini Croquette contest! Ladies, start melting 'cause this boy's hot! Hot! Hot! The boy is perfect.. TOM: And thus an antidote to . . . ALL: EVIL! (he feels his muscles) ...The right size, right build, right hair. Right on! Say something-to those 50 billion pair of ears out there D-man! TOM: What an eccentric performance CROW: Mike, you were right about the Pee-Wee thing. An ASSISTANT hands a totally lost Korben a mike. KORBEN (hesitant) ...Hi. LOC RHOD Does it get any better or what! ALL: Yes! Loc Rhod grabs Korben's arm and leads him down the hallway, as fast as the music. MIKE: *sigh* OKAY OKAY! I'll say it just to get it out of the way. Loc Rhod's gay as a leprechaun at a Rennaisance Festival! CROW: As gay as a Old Paree! TOM: So gay he makes Paul Lynde look like Hugh Hefner! LOC RHOD ...Quiver ladies, he's gonna set the world on fire right here from 5 to 7! You'll know everything there is to know about the D-man. His dreams, his desires, his most intimate of intimates. And from what I'm looking at intimate is the stud muffin's middle name. MIKE: *KORBEN* Hey, how did he know? So tell me my main man... you nervous in the service? TOM: You wanna be dead with lead in the head? KORBEN Uh... not really. Loc Rhod lets go of Korben's arm and grabs the Stewardess. LOC RHOD Freeze those knees, my chickadees,'cause Korben is on the case with a major face... CROW: "Major face." MIKE: I...really don't know. Loc Rhod rubs up against the stewardess. LOC RHOD ...Start drooling, ladies! My man here is a sharp-tongued Sire who's gonna stroke your every desire. TOM: Errr... MIKE: We may have to retract that whole Leprechaun-Paris-Lynde thing. CROW: You kidding? Just look at him! Everything about him screams "Poofter"! They come to an intersection. The airline company has prepared drinks for them. Loc Rhod pushes on, grabs a glass of champagne, scribbles his autograph. CROW: So cool he can even autograph liquids! LOC RHOD Yesterday's unknown will be tomorrow's Prince of Fhloston Paradise, the hotel of a thousand and one follies, home of luxury and beauty. A magic fountain flowing with non-stop wine, women and Bootchie Koochie Koo... TOM: Okay, now this is just getting plain silly CROW: Getting? He tosses away his champagne glass. LOC RHOD Beware out there puppy dogs my man is on the prowl. Owwww! TOM: If this is the coolest DJ of the future I don't want to live to see it. CROW: At least we know Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh are dead. TOM: Ok, then I'd better give Rhod here a break. Howling, Loc Rhod grabs another stewardess by the arm. LOC RHOD ...And start licking your stamps little girls, this guy's gonna have you writing home to Momma! Tomorrow from 5 to 7, I'll be your voice, your tongue and I'll be hot on the tail of the sexiest man of the year... D-man... Your man... My man. MIKE: Or maybe the Leprechaun comment fits...I dunno. CROW: I don't WANT to know. The stewardess shivers. A BEEP is heard. TOM: Road Runner screams by VOCODER (O.S.) End of transmission. The MUSIC suddenly stops. Several assistants come and compliment Loc Rhod who sighs, lights up a cigarette, and drops his pretense. CROW: Of talent. LOC RHOD Korben sweetheart do me a favor I know this is probably the biggest thing that ever happened to you in your inconsequential life. TOM: If you want to save the world Korben, KILL HIM FIRST. But I've got a show to do here and it's got to pop. So tomorrow, when we're on the air, give me a hand... Try to make believe you have more than a one word vocabulary. OK pal? That does it. Korben grabs him by the collar and drags him into a corner. Loc Rhod's feet don't touch the ground. ALL: Yes! KORBEN (pissed) I didn't come here to play Dumbo on the radio. So tomorrow between 5 and 7 give yourself a hand, that clear pal? MIKE: *LOC* I do that all the time. Sure! LOC RHOD (petrified) Crystal. 124 INT. AIRPORT The Check-in attendant has two more tickets in her hand. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (alter a moment, reading) ...Mr. Dallas... Korben Dallas? Zorg's Right Arm gives her a big smile. CROW: And his left thigh gives her a sexy wink! MIKE: Does this guy have a real name? TOM: Maybe he needs a Name Transplant too. MIKE: Let's call him Roy. TOM: Okay! RIGHT ARM MIKE: Roy. That's right. The attendant scans the ID with a yellow beam, it checks out, and the blue light reveals no other face but his. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT The problem is I only have one Korben Dallas on my list... and he's already checked in. Right Arm's smile shatters. CROW: The shrapnel takes out the attendant. RIGHT ARM That's impossible! He's in j... I mean, there must be some mistake. I have my ticket! I'm the real Korben Dallas! TOM: Poor Roy. He's trying so hard. MIKE: Yeah, now that he has a name, I kind of empathize with him. A shrill BELL rings out. CHECK-IN ATTENDANT (smiling) I'm sorry, sir, boarding is finished. CROW: The plot has left the building. The attendant hits a button. A thick window slowly slides up between them. Right Arm totally loses it. ROW: So now he relates to his boss much better. TOM: Poor Roy. RIGHT ARM I want to see your boss! Get rid of this fucking window! Somebody's made a mistake, goddamnit! MIKE: Whoa Roy, calm down! He pounds on the counter with both fists. A steel curtain comes down. Red sighting beams target spots on his body, ten gun barrels protrude from the wall, all aimed at him. VOICE (O.S.) This is not an exercise. This is a police control. TOM: Had this been an actual exercise you would have been given Speedos, a Power Bar, and some mineral water! Put your hands in the nearest yellow circles... CROW: In the future whoever makes the yellow circles RULES! RIGHT ARM (slowing down) Sorry, my fault... Just a little overexcited... that's all... I'm calm now. MIKE: Hang in there, Roy! 125 INT. SHUTTLE - DAY Korben makes his way in the plane looking for his seat. No more seats in modern planes, just individual travel boxes lined up like microwaves. TOM: NOT a comforting image. He passes STEWARD holding his bloodied nose. CROW: Uh-oh, Leeloo alert. He has found what he is looking for. He enters to.... Leeloo quietly stretched out in front of a computer screen. Korben slips in beside her. Leeloo in concentrating on the words that scroll rapidly past her on the screen. He doesn't understand what she is doing. MIKE: Duhhhh....funny scrolly light thingy...duhhhh... LEELOO Apipoulai! KORBEN Not hard to find you...just follow the Chaos... CROW: Moonglum said much the same thing Leeloo smiles, as if complimented. MIKE: *sigh* KORBEN Leeloo, listen to me... these tickets... they're not mine... I mean they are, but not for vacation like everyone thinks... I'm on an operation... and if I didn't come get you, you'd be in a shitload of trouble.. I'd love to be on vacation with you... but now.... now I've got to work... And Leeloo.. I would love to work in peace. CROW: Oh, brother. MIKE: He's giving the Supereme Being the backstory! Leeloo types in "LOVE" on the keyboard. LEELOO Love... KORBEN Yes! But "love" isn't the operative word here, PEACE is! TOM: Or, considering the way he acted earlier, PIECE. Leeloo types in this new word. LEELOO (rather pleased) Peace... and love... She brings up a picture of a 60's style Hippie flashing a peace sign. TOM: Okay, who saw that coming, anybody? CROW: Me MIKE: Ditto Korben sighs and switches off the screen. TOM *KORBEN, sad* Microsoft Encarta always makes me cry! KORBEN Sometimes you can't learn everything from a screen.. TOM: *KORBEN* That's why I stopped trying to learn anything! sometimes it's better to ask someone who has experience.. LEELOO (quite happy) What is... Make Love? MIKE: *KORBEN* I said someone who has experience Korben just stares at her for a few minutes. TOM: Initiating the staring contest of the century! KORBEN Know what? On that subject maybe you'd be better off asking the screen. MIKE: Ho-boy TOM: Doesn't look too swell for the side of Good He turns the computer back on. CROW: Why does it occur to me that a computer is the only thing Korben CAN turn on? ANGLE ON: A STEWARDESS walks up the aisle of the shuttle pushing the red buttons on top of each individual box. TOM: *Minnesota Accent* Now Ethel be sure not to overcook the passengers now, you know what happened last time with the Pork Chops and gee-golly you don't want that to happen again now do ya? VOICE (O.S.) ...to make your flight as short and agreeable as possible, our flight attendants are switching on the timing sleeper which will regulate your sleep during the trip... CROW: *Voice*...We've preheated your cubicles to a nice 400 degrees. During your sleep your beds will rotate slowly so that you cook nice and evenly. Our automatic seasoning control will continue to baste you until you are a nice golden brown... ANGLE ON: LEELOO (switching off the screen) OK! Finished! ALL; AAAGH! MIKE: Jesus "El Savior" Christ, Leeloo tell us when you're gonna make surprise dialogue next time! KORBEN Finished what? LEELOO Learning language. KORBEN Which one? TOM: For the future of mankind, I weep LEELOO All 900. Korben doesn't know if he should laugh or not. CROW: So he kindly asks Leeloo if he should since he is unable to make a single decision on his own KORBEN You learned 900 languages in five minutes?! MIKE: Korben, Supreme Being, remember? CROW: Wait a sec...does that mean Leeloo is Marrissa? *silence* ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! LEELOO (pleased) Yes! Now it's your turn! I learned your language, you have to learn mine! TOM: *KORBEN* Come on, where's it say THAT in my contract? CROW: Ordering him around, it IS Marrissa! KORBEN I know how to say "Hello". Teach me how to say "Good-bye", that's all I need. MIKE: *singing, as KORBEN* I don't know how to say goodbye, I say hello LEELOO Apipoussan! TOM: Apipou-san! MIKE: Daniel-san! CROW: San of Sam! MIKE and TOM: *groan* Oh Crow... KORBEN Apipoussan? TOM: ApippouSAHN? MIKE: It's ApippousSAN CROW: you're both wrong. It's ApipousSEHN LEELOO Good! Do you know how we say "make love"? TOM: "Okay, let's go"? MIKE: "Wanna do it?" CROW: "Wanna play Hide the Salami?" KORBEN (fumbling) MIKE: Remind me never to draft this guy to the Packers Uh... LEELOO ...Hoppi-hoppa. Korben literally melts. CROW: The compartments really WERE preheated to 400 degrees KORBEN (to himself) Help... TOM:...I need somebody! Luckily, a stewardess smiles at him through the box window. STEWARDESS Sweet dreams, Mr. Dallas! TOM: Are made of these, Mr Dallas! The stewardess sets the timing sleeper. Korben and Leeloo immediately fall asleep. MIKE: Well, at least we haven't been spared another appearance by Loc Rhod yet TOM: Good point A STEWARDESS at the other end of the shuttle has a problem. CROW: She's learned that a Supreme Being, a Dumbass Cabbie and a descendant of RuPaul have somehow gotten aboard STEWARDESS 2 Mr. Loc Rhod you have to assume your individual position. MIKE: Well speak of the devil TOM: I don't think even Satan could flame as much as the Rhodster here LOC RHOD (hugging her) I don't want an individual position, I want all positions! CROW: He's the only person on the plane that can make a panty raid on himself STEWARDESS 2 (resisting somewhat) We're going to take off soon, Mr. Rhod! LOC RHOD Now you're talking! TOM: *lightly chuckling* Ho, boy there's not a sexual innuendo that escapes Loc Rhod, is there MIKE: Remember the days when this used to be called Sexual Harassment? TOM: It's the future. Remember the Police Pigs? MIKE: I tried to forget, Tom 126 INT. COCKPIT FHLOSTON SPACE SHUTTLE Three CREW MEMBERS prepare for liftoff. CROW: Leaving the rest of the crew to be flung against the wall by the force of acceleration COPILOT (on the radio) TOM: *CO-PILOT* YOU'RE THE KING OF ALL MEDIA, HOWARD! WE LOVE YOU! Molecular axis authorization. Vector 130. Destination Fhloston. CROW: Technobabble loaded and distributed Stewardess 1 enters the cockpit. MIKE: *STEWARDESS* More liquor, Captain Hazelwood? STEWARDESS 1 Zone 1. 217 locked. The sleep regulator is OK. PILOT (checking her out) Thanks, Miss. The Stewardess leaves with a smile. A red light flashes on the vast control panel. MIKE: *CO-PILOT* Hmm, well whaddyaknow, we've got Movie Sign CROW: *GROAN* Mike, we did that one MIKE: No, we did "push the button" TOM: Guys we're plagiarizing OURSELVES? Who are we, Chris Claremont? MECHANIC Tell the ground crew we've got parasites in the landing gear. MIKE: Sounds like a personal problem CROW: Mike, ALL these people have personal problems *They get up and leave the theater* 6....5....4....3....2....1...()=() *ON THE BRIDGE, ONLY TOM IS THERE. HE'S WHISTLING SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SONG BY DEEP PURPLE AND READING A "PLAYBOT" MAGAZINE WITH JACOSTA ON THE COVER. CROW COMES FROM THE LEFT WEARING LIPSTICK, A FLOWERED DRESS, A PEARL NECKLACE AROUND HIS NECK AND A YELLOW PAINT ROLLER JUTTING OUT OF HIS HEAD, LOOKING LIKE LOC RHOD (THOSE OF YOU THAT SAW THE FILM VERSION OF THIS SCRIPT WILL KNOW THAT THIS IS A SPOOF OF WHAT CHRIS TUCKER LOOKED LIKE WHEN WE FIRST SAW HIM. THE REST OF YOU WILL PROBABLY IMAGINE SOMETHING EVEN WORSE* TOM: *WITHOUT LOOKING FROM HIS MAGAZINE, WHICH IS TILTED SIDEWAYS AND THE CENTERFOLD IS UNFOLDED* Hi Crow....mmmmm Nice. Now I understand Ultron better! CROW: *Excited* HEYYYYY BABY, SERVO ON THE CASE WITH A MAJOR FACE!!! TOM: What the...*looks at him, jumps* AGH! Crow, what are you doing?? CROW; NAME'S HUGH G. RHOD, HUNNYCHILD, I AM YOUR LORD, I AM YOUR MASTER, I AM YOUR DISASTER MADE OF PLASTER *GETS UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO TOM* Show me your dreams, show me your desires....show me your Star Trek/X-Men Crossover comic book collection TOM: *FREAKING OUT* MIKE!! MIKE!!! *MIKE COMES IN FROM THE LEFT, HE'S BRUSHING HIS TEETH* MIKE: What is it Tom...*NOTICES CROW AND JUMPS* YEEEAGH! CROW: HUGH G. RHOD SEZ "WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?" MIKEY J. NELSON. GRAB YOUR AIR CONDITIONERS LADIES BECAUSE THIS WWWWWONDERFUL WISCONSINITE IS HOT HOT HOT!!! MIKE: Crow...please, come back to us buddy TOM: Mike I'm frightened! MIKE: We all are, Servo *GYPSY ENTERS* GYPSY: Hi guys...what the Hell!? CROW: *SPINNING AROUND* SO LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND, LET ME PLAY YOU A SOUND....YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE BOTH PRETTY GROOVY. OR IF YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE VISUAL THAT'S NOT TO ABYSMAL, WE COULD TAKE IN AN OLD STEVE REEVES MOVIE.... TOM: ACK! Now he's going Rocky Horror!!! GYPSY: Did the apocolypse happen and no one told me? MIKE: *TO THE SCREEN* BRAIN GUY, HELP!!! *CASTLE FORRESTER, PEARL, BOBO AND SHERWOOD ARE IN THE BACKGROUND. OBSERVER IS IN THE FOREGROUND* PEARL:...your Star Wars Lithographs aren't coming anywhere NEAR my man-eating fly traps... BOBO: But they're so nice . . . OBSERVER: Oh, hi guys *SOL, CROW'S SPEAKING INCOHERANTLY BUT IN RHYME* TOM: OBSERVER! Just the galactic being we wanted to see. We got a problem up here MIKE: Crow's become a Were-Rhod! CROW: HUGH G. RHOD, BAY-BEE!!! *CASTLE FORRESTER* OBSERVER: Hmm, that IS a problem SHERWOOD: But mother, if I'm going to live here . . . PEARL: You're going to what? *SOL* TOM: *PLEADING* Help us out? Old buddy old pal? *CASTLE FORRESTER* OBSERVER: *LOOKING AROUND* Well...Normally Pearl would object...but since she's currently indisposed....sure, why not *CONCENTRATES* *SOL, CROW IS STILL BABBLING. LEELOO FROM THE MOVIE, RED HAIR, CLOTHES AND ALL (PLAYED BY BRIDGET JONES) MAGICALLY APPEARS ON THE BRIDGE. EXCEPT FOR SOME REASON SHE APPEARS MORE ANIME* MIKE and TOM: LEELOO! MIKE: Boy are we glad to see you! LEELOO: Apippoulai! CROW: *softly* And what do we have here, my dear? *SNUGGLES UP CLOSE TO HER* LEELOO: AKTA GAMAT! HEEEEYAH! *SHE PICKS UP AND THROWS CROW OFF SCREEN. CROW COMES BACK* CROW: FFFFeisty little minx... LEELOO: EEEEEYAH!!! *DOING SEVERAL KATAS AND SHOUTS IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE JAPANESE* MIKE: WOW! It's Leeloo 1/2! *LEELOO THEN PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE HOLY SNOT OUT OF CROW. IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HOLY SNOT, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.* CROW: AAAAAAGGHH!!!! TOM: Flawless....Victory MIKE: More of a "Banality." *MOVIE SIGN* *LEELOO IS SPINNING CROW OVER HER HEAD WHEN MIKE AND TOM RUSH INTO THE THEATER* ()=()....1....2....3....4....5....6.... 127 INT. AIRPORT LANDING STRIP - DAY *TOM and MIKE enter, MIKE sets TOM in his usual place* TOM: Wow! MIKE: the Supreme Being right in our own Satellite! TOM: Yeah, and all to beat the living bejesus out of Crow MIKE: Well you can't say he didn't have it coming TOM: Amen to that *CROW comes crawling in soon after, a bit punch drunk* CROW: *as he takes his seat* That's right Jenny it's 25 minutes past the hour and now here's a classic ditty from The Lovin' Spoonful...*collapses* MIKE: You okay? CROW: *re-emerging, shaking it off* Fine Mike...never better 127 INT. AIRPORT LANDING STRIP - DAY A GROUND CREW MEMBER goes over to the truck parked under one of the plane's wings and bangs on the side of it with a shout. GROUND CREW MEMBER Disinfecting! CROW: *GROUND CREW MEMBER* By God men let's give 'em that fresh pine scent! Two DISINFECTORS in hermetically sealed suits exit the truck. They go over to the front landing gear and send up a whooshing beam. The TOM: A WHOOSHING beam? CROW: The next generation of weapons is becoming more and more like Star Trek every Day.. TOM: Shame on them! flame burns everything it touches. A pack of repugnant creatures falls squealing from the landing gear. MIKE: Hey, that's no way to treat Hanson! TOM: Mike, you're just jealous that three tatty teenagers have more girls lusting for them than you've SEEN your entire life A small trapdoor is opened under the shuttle and a huge slightly phosphorescent tube falls out. CROW: Mike, is that prop important? TOM and MIKE: Do we CARE? 128 INT. AIRPORT HALL / ZORG'S OFFICE Zorg's Right Arm is in a phone booth in the middle of the hall. TOM: Ouch, that must hurt CROW: Don't make fun of Roy, Tom RIGHT ARM Yeah, it's me... Put Zorg on. MIKE: Hey Roy! He is already sweating. ZORG (cold) I'm listening. RIGHT ARM The real Korben Dallas is on the plane! He took my place. TOM: Oh, come on Roy he can't be THAT mad ZORG This is a joke, right? 129 INT. SHUTTLE Loc Rhod is wrapped around a stewardess like a snake. CROW: Oh, so he's tightening up, squeezing the very breath out of her lungs. How special! LOC RHOD No!! I swear to God! I've never been this sincere with a human before! TOM: *LOC* I'm NOT gay, I'm NOT! CROW: Is he the Little Richard of the future? Or is he simply compensating beyond the wildest dreams of homophobes everywhere....YOU make the call! 130 EXT. LANDING STRIP TWO GROUND CREW MEMBERS stick an enormous, highly phosphorescant tube into the opening. MIKE: Now that has GOT to be uncomfortable GROUND CREW MEMBER You're fueled and ready to go. Have a nice flight. 131 INT. SHUTTLE PILOT (to copilot) Everything ready for liftoff? CROW: Rusted plane wing, Check. Speed monitor stuck at 90, Check. GPS set to China, Check. Ready to start noisy take off to annoy and frighten passengers . 132 INT. CABIN STEWARDESS (weakly, to Loc Rhod) No, no... I'm not ready! I'd like to talk first... MIKE: *STEWARDESS* Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Village People TOM: Whoa, THAT gave me an image! 133 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE / AIRPORT HALL ZORG I cannot hear you. We have a bad connection here. What's your number? CROW: 867-5309 (ROY) Right Arm reads off the phone number. RIGHT ARM 278-500-645-321 ZORG I'll call you back. TOM: We'll still call him Roy MIKE: Yeah, you can't take away Roy's name now, Zorg! CROW: Right on! 134 EXT. LANDING STRIP The runway is now empty. A man slips out of the shadows. It's Cornelius. He scurries over to the front landing gear. He pauses for an instant, the climbs up the wheel well and disappears inside the shuttle. 135 INT. SHUTTLE The pilots are going through the pre-flight check list. MIKE: Booze? TOM: Check MIKE: Prostitutes? TOM: Check COPILOT Anti static pressure? CROW: Unmentionables not clinging anymore? MECHANIC Primed. The mechanic presses a series of buttons. MIKE: *MECHANIC* Where's Frank when you need him? CROW: Mike, you're doing it again 136 INT. CABIN Loc Rhod undoes a series of buttons on the stewardess' blouse, behind a curtain. He whispers a poem. CROW: *whispering* There once was a man from Venus.... Impossible to resist him. Outside the curtain the stewardess' legs rise slowly. TOM:...along with the audience's lunch MIKE: You know, the Stewardess has GOT to have a problem being hit on by a man wearing more perfume and lipstick than she is 137 EXT. LANDING STRIP On the ground, protective fire curtains rise slowly to contain the engine exhaust on liftoff. 138 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE A keyboard slowly appears in front of Zorg. MIKE: *ZORG* I'm through screwing around, this time we duke it out in TIE FIGHTER! ZORG (typing the number) 278... 500... TOM: 178... HUT! 139 SERIES OF QUICK CUTS: The pilot gradually turns the engines up. COPILOT 10 seconds... PILOT Power increase. - The stewardess undergoes a power surge from Loc Rhod that's about to lift her of. MIKE: Of what CROW: I think they mean off TOM: I don't want to know! - Zorg finishes gleefully typing in the number. ZORG 3... 2... 1... - The engines at full blast. - The stewardess in close to screaming. PILOT Liftoff. CROW: And sadly, for Mr Rhod, a sudden crash landing - The copilot pushes a button. TOM: AAGH! He's a descendant of Frank! CROW: Tom, you're doing it too - So does Zorg. ALL: Copycat - The engines release their full power. - The stewardess screams in ecstasy. CROW: *Luc Besson* Sorry, that's a typo. The stewardess screams ON Ecstacy - In the hall, Right Arm literally explodes along with the phone and everything else within 60 feet. ALL: ROY! CROW: NO! NO! NO! TOM; He should have used AT&T 140 INT. FHLOSTON SPACE SHUTTLE The stewardess' legs slowly descend and disappear behind the curtain. MIKE: The rest of her is found in a luggage compartment TOM: Whoa, nasty turn there Mike MIKE: If I have to watch Dr. Frank-N-Furter here make it with a Stewardess, I can be nasty back 141 INT. COCKPIT In the cockpit, the atmosphere loosens up. COPILOT (relaxing) Landing gear secure. Let's light one up. CROW: So comforting to see that Airline Pilots are still pot-smoking drunks 142 INT. CABIN Korben and Leeloo sleep soundly in their box. Leeloo has a smile on her face and her hand in Korben's. CROW: Well, I'll assume the latter didn't cause the former. 143 EXT. OUTERSPACE - NIGHT The spaceship rockets past us, then suddenly vanishes with amazing speed. Space is now empty and calm. TOM: A departure from its normal state, BRIGHT AND FESTIVE! Billions of stars glow in perfect silence. 144 EXT. SPACE The nefarious planet in still there, immobile, even larger now, writhing like a serpent. Then, suddenly, for no apparent reason, all activity stops and it becomes gray and cold. CROW: It became a Republican 145 INT. SPACESHIP In the Admiral's starship, scientists watch the measuring device. One of the devices suddenly starts working. TOM: It's about time, you piece of crap! TECHNICIAN All right! We're finally getting something! TOM: No wait, that was me detecting Mr. Rhod "getting some". Sorry sir, I just tuned in for a moment... 146 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The Head Scientist stands facing the President, who is looking more tired than ever. HEAD SCIENTIST The thing is sending out radio wavelengths! PRESIDENT What the hell does it want with radio waves? TOM: It's probably trying to tune in to Imus HEAD SCIENTIST ...Probably wants to make a call! TOM: OR it could be making a call... The President and his Generals look at him in astonishment. ALL: *The PRESIDENT and GENERALS* You had an idea!! 147 INT. ZORG'S OFFICE Picasso purrs contentedly on Zorg's lap. The phone rings. TOM: He has a pet painting? MIKE: I think that's the pet thingy they showed earlier CROW: Knowing Zorg, it's just his lunch and he's playing with it SECRETARY (O.S.) Mr. Shadow on the line. MIKE: And I've got Mr. Vorlon on hold CROW: The Organians sent us a fax! TOM: Q sent you a package! *pause* ALL: *AOL voice* You've got Higher Beings! Zorg shoots to his feet. Picasso tumbles to the floor. Zorg picks up the phone, both excited and uneasy. He stands there, almost coming to attention ZORG Yes... Zorg here. The voice is feeble. It comes from the far reaches of time, from the bowels of the universe. TOM: Great, the universe takes a laxative and WE have to listen to it talk SHADOW Am I disturbing you? ZORG No... not at all. Where are you? SHADOW'S breathing is awesome. MIKE: *SHADOW* I'm a dark evil force. What are you wearing? SHADOW ...Not far, now. ZORG Really? Maybe I can get you on my screen and see you at last! CROW: I worry about a man that wants to videoconference with Evil Zorg brings up a huge screen and pushes a few buttons. In the middle of an electronic snowstorm, a blackish, vaguely human, quiverinq form appears. Two eyes, like lava, give an idea where the head is. Zorg feels sick. SHADOW Do you have the picture now Mr. Zorg? CROW: I thought Evil was a big planet TOM: I don't know right now... ZORG Got it. SHADOW How's our deal coming along? ZORG (ill at ease) Fine, just fine! I'll have the 4 pieces you asked for any time now. But it wasn't easy. My costs have tripled. TOM: That's right, jack up your prices on Evil Shadow pauses an instant. A black slimy liquid starts to ooze from the top of the screen. CROW: Raspberry...there's only ONE person who would DARE give me raspberry... Zorg is feeling worse all the time. TOM: As is the audience SHADOW Money is of no importance... ALL: Only life is important, WE KNOW! I want the Stones! MIKE: Aren't the Stones already on the side of Evil? TOM: Falwell probably thinks they are The black liquid oozes all over the screen which starts to melt. Zorg sweats profusely, his legs tremble. ZORG The Stones will be here. I'll see to it personally! CROW: Free concert for all! SHADOW ...I can't wait to be among you. Zorg sighs and sits down totally freaked. MIKE: So, in other words, nothing has changed for the Zorgster CROW: I miss Roy, you know TOM: We know, we know 148 EXT. ORBIT FHLOSTON PARADISE TOM: Uh-oh. I just got it. FHLOSTON - as in "Lost in" CROW: Yuck MIKE: I hope you're wrong The space shuttle fills the screen. It banks left and begins its descent toward Fhloston, the turquoise planet. Crystal blue water, perfect white sand beaches. A true paradise. MIKE: Uh, any food sources? CROW: *Charlton Heston* GEMINI CROQUETTES ARE PEOPLE!!! 149 INT. SPACE SHUTTLE The stewardess picks up a microphone to make an announcement. STEWARDESS Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent CROW: into madness TOM: No, after that sequence with Zorg, I think we're about to make a ten-point landing on madness toward Fhloston Paradise... Stewardesses walk down the aisles waking the passengers one by one. They press a button on the door of each box. CROW: Mike, Tom, don't. OK? In the corner, Loc Rhod and the stewardess awake with a start and straighten their clothes quickly. The stewardess is embarrassed. MIKE: *STEWARDESS* I slept with a man with more expensive dresses than me! STEWARDESS (timidly) I wanted to tell you that... TOM: *STEWARDESS*...you are the gayest heterosexual I have ever seen MIKE: Maybe if I acted fruitier than a pack of chewing gum women would like me... TOM: Mike honey, you're losing it Loc Rhod puts on his sunglasses and presses a finger to her lips. MIKE: And up the chimney she goes! He disappears behind the curtain leaving the sighing stewardess on her own. CROW: Who quickly begins looking for enough sleeping pills and Jack Daniels to end her life 150 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE The spaceship descends through some clouds and glides over a vast turquoise sea. Fhloston Paradise looms into view. An enormous oceanliner floating a dozen yards above the water. On closer inspection it is more modern than a traditional oceanliner. MIKE: Because... CROW and TOM: It's the Future! MIKE: The Future, where pigs replace dogs and sexual harassment is no longer a concern TOM: The Future. Ask for it by name! The shuttle draws near, looking ridiculously small next to the monster. Like a sardine next to a whale. 151 INT. COCKPIT A blinking light goes on. MIKE: *PILOT* Hold on, Fhloston. Pearl's calling CROW: Come on, Mike! PILOT Shit! Parasites in Zone 1. Take a look. The 1st Mate heads off. 152 INT. CABIN A stewardess opens Korben's box door. CROW: *KORBEN* Yippee-kay-yay mother...oh... He is still heavy with sleep. He looks over at Leeloo. She's not there. TOM: The Stone has been rolled away...she is risen CROW: Don't give Luc Besson ideas! 153 EXT. FHLOSTON The tiny space shuttle clings to the huge oceanliner. TOM: *drunken* Only you understand me, futuristic oceanliner, only you... 154 INT. COCKPIT The Pilot maneuvers the ship into it's docking area. PILOT Docking activated. You can let the passengers out. CROW: Since I'm sure our creepy, freewheeling, oversexed manner has freaked them out somewhat... 155 INT. REAR OF COCKPIT The 1st mate pries open the door to an overhead panel. Cornelius falls out, hanging in a jumble of wires. MIKE: Damn, we've got priests again! We'll have to spray 156. INT. ENTRANCE HALL FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY The enormous door opens and the passengers exit. Leeloo is among them. She appears quite impressed by the beauty and luxury of the 19th century decoration. TOM: Yep, big ocean liner, period decor. ANY CHANCE OF INVOKING THE MEMORY OF THE TITANIC, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS? CROW: You know, I bet Roy would have said the same thing 157 INT. CABIN Korben attempts to make his way up the shuttle's aisle. TOM: Saving the world here, excuse me, saving the world... KORBEN (jostling everybody) Pardon me. Excuse me. I'm trying to reach my wife.. Sorry! MIKE: *drunken voice* Don't worry, buddy I'm trying to do the same thing 158 INT. ENTRANCE HALL A dozen policemen wait patiently at the end of the hall. Leeloo stops and presses against the wall. She spots Korben leaving the shuttle. A gorgeous HOSTESS comes up to him, drapes a lei around his neck and plants a kiss on his lips in welcome. TOM: That's one brave woman CROW: Yeah, I bet Roy would have liked her HOSTESS (smiling) Welcome to Paradise. ALL: *singing* It's just like living in paradise...and I don't want to go home Korben's face is covered in lipstick. Leeloo sees he did nothing to stop the girl and she doesn't like it. MIKE: Yeah, he's pretty much committed himself to her romantically TOM: I'm worried about a Supreme Being without a sense of commitment CROW: I'm worried she's gonna hook up with Loc Rhod to make Korben jealous MIKE and TOM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW A HEFTY MAN wearing a sarong drapes some flowers around her neck. MIKE: Captain Al! Then, obviously relishing it, he leans down to kiss her. Leeloo bashes him on the forehead. The hefty man straightens up. He's still smiling, but his nose is bleeding. He falls slowly to the floor. CROW: Man, noses don't last too long around Lady Leeloo, do they Korben pushes forward trying to spot Leeloo. He also tries to wipe the lipstick off. Leeloo tries to escape through a door marked PERSONNEL ONLY, but it's locked. A HOST looks at her with a grin. HOST (playful) If you don't have the code you can't open it! TOM: Security makes me laugh! Leeloo smiles and punches in an old code and twists the doorknob. The door opens with the sound of a braking lock. Leeloo smiles sweetly and enters as if nothing were amiss. CROW: Err...I'm already unenthused about this crew's intelligence level TOM: I know. If I hear anyone yell "Jack, I'm flying", I'm leaving A shriek of joy fills the room. Korben turns around. The HOSTESSES cluster around Loc Rhod as he comes out of the plane. Loc Rhod spots Korben and latches onto his arm. It's not going to be easy to remain discrete. TOM: Remain? Loc doesn't even TRY LOC RHOD (relieved) My main man! Please don't leave me here alone. My head's killing me and my adoring fans are gonna tear me apart! Get me outta here! MIKE: *psychotic* Oh I'll get you out of here, right over the side... KORBEN I'll take you to the bar, after that, you're on your own. TOM: Funny, that's what Loc's first wife said to him before they married CROW: You're ACTUALLY believing Loc's attempts at being straight? LOC RHOD (hanging on to Korben) Oh, yes! Do that! You treat me right, man. Tell me all about yourself, your roots, your personal life, your childhood dreams... MIKE: I've heard of swinging both ways, but this man is a pendulum! KORBEN I don't think this is a good time... ALL: Agreed! LOC RHOD ...You got brothers and sisters? What about your dad? Tell me about your dad! What was he like? Physically? Big, I suppose? CROW: Was he composed of matter or antimatter? KORBEN (evasive) Yeah, very big, a giant. MIKE: *KORBEN* He traveled around with a Spaniard who was looking for the six fingered man that killed his father and a short balding man capturing princesses LOC RHOD I didn't have a dad... never saw him... never even heard him. 50 billion people listen to me every day... and he doesn't hear me... MIKE: Then you shouldn't have killed him CROW: I dunno...you think this is an attempt to make Rhod a sympathetic character? MIKE: I'm not sure, they've got a long way to go CROW: But it is sad. 159 INT. SMALL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY Leeloo is in a small room, ear at the door, listening. Everything seems normal. She turns and discovers the room for what it is: a rest room for... three cops who look up from their books and stare blankly at her. Leeloo doesn't know what to do. So she smiles. CROW: Potty-gram! 160 INT. HALL - OMIT 161 INT. MAIN HALL FHLOSTON PARADISE - OMIT 162 EXT. ORBIT FHLOSTON PARADISE - DUSK - OMIT 163 INT. THE CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - DUSK - OMIT TOM: Oh no, Omissionpalooza again MIKE: I'm not complaining 164 INT. KORBEN'S STATEROOM The door opens. The HOSTESS turns on the light and enters. Korben follows her, gaping at all the luxury. CROW: Running water! An attached bathroom! No muggers or oppressive cops! The BAGGAGE BOY enters bringing Leeloo's two suitcases. CROW: Is that some stereotype? MIKE: Why not, there are SO many... Korben grabs the notice announcing Diva Plavalaguna's concert at 5:30 in that evening. Dress: Formal attire. KORBEN For the concert it says formal attire... I didn't bring... CROW: Much acting talent The hostess pulls back the closet door. Twenty tuxedos in a row. MIKE: So it's a ten day stay. They expect him to wear two tuxes a day? CROW: I'm more worried why they think he'd go through so many HOSTESS (looking him over) Here's some champagne. I'll drop by after the concert to open it. MIKE: So the future also means women have no taste TOM: Looks that way She gives him a blinding smile and closes the door. CROW: Aaaaahhh! Her teeth are magnesium flares! I'm blind! Aaaaaahhh! Korben pushes a button. The curtains open to reveal a most spectacular view of the turquoise planet. Stars shoot out into infinity. Breathtaking. Korben stands gaping. The phone rings, snapping him out of his reverie. TOM: Mr. Dallas, we've got a problem with terrorists....oh you know the drill KORBEN Hello? MOTHER (O.S.) You little sleaze bag! KORBEN ...Ma??? MOTHER (O.S.) Don't you ever ask me for another thing in my life again, you've killed your poor mother with your own hands! MIKE: No, but I bet he's planning to Korben drops into an armchair and sighs. His eyes go to the ceiling. KORBEN ...Ma!!! 165 INT. CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - OMIT CROW: So they have no control room? TOM: Looks like it's iceberg-o-rama 166 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE POLICE OFFICE - DAY The Chief of Police has Cornelius in front of him, handcuffed. FOG The Diva's ship is coming in. TOM: *FOG* There are thick clouds of me with low visibility, so be careful. I may boil off in the afternoon, but there may be more of me in the morning CHIEF OF POLICE I want maximum security. FOG Yes. Sir! CHIEF OF POLICE (to Cornelius) OK, let's hear it. CORNELIUS Where was I? CHIEF OF POLICE (bored) ...You open the door. There's a cabby with a girl in his arms. CROW: *CHIEF OF POLICE* I hope you're not going to say you did something stupid like say "marriages are one floor down" FOG opens the door. Two COPS come hobbling in all bloody and bandaged. They hold up a THIRD COP. MIKE: We insulted Mr. Rhod sir and he beat the crap out of us with his purse! CHIEF OF POLICE What happened? A bomb go off in your face? BEAT-UP COP Yeah... A 5 foot 7 inch bomb... with green eyes. Cornelius perks up. CROW: Leeloo is committing atrocious acts of violence! There's hope yet! CORNELIUS And the smile of an angel? They all turn to look at him. TOM: *COP* How do you know what goes on in our restrooms, you pervert! CORNELIUS (to Chief) May I speak to you alone. 167 INT. CORRIDOR FHLOSTON PARADISE - DAY Leeloo watches the Diva's arrival. A door opens and two POLICEMAN clear the way for DIVA PLAVALAGUNA, her MANAGER, her BODYGUARDS and a gaggle of PORTERS carrying trunks. MIKE: I'm uncomfortable with this women-have-a-lot-of-luggage stereotype still Not wanting to draw attention to herself, Leeloo feigns interest in a painting that is obviously upside down. A white chiffon veil covers the face of the Diva, she stops in front of Leeloo. The Diva reaches out and strokes Leeloo's face, without touching her. The Diva removes her hand making a sound of crackling electricity, then passes on. Leeloo is groggy. The Diva's ASSISTANT comes up to her. TOM: *artsy* You're lucky, not everyone gets telekinetically felt up by the Diva DIVA'S ASSISTANT Please forgive this little incident. She wants you to know that she senses great powers in you... in the service of a noble cause... She will give you what you have come to get, MIKE: And she'll pay you any amount of money for you to go away but she wants to sing first... One last time... CROW: *ASSISTANT* Because, frankly, she stinks The Diva's assistant turns the painting right side up. DIVA'S ASSISTANT (nodding) Miss. CROW: A-12 TOM: You sunk my blathership! Leeloo looks at the painting, seems to understand it better. MIKE: *dumb* So the dogs WEREN'T playing poker on the ceiling... 168 EXT. DIVA'S SUITE Policemen stand at attention in front of the Diva's suite. FOG Hello, I'm head of security. Everything is in order. You can... MIKE: Advance the plot at your leisure The Diva enters her suite without letting him finish. FOG ...make yourselves at home safely. If you need anything...give it a knock! CROW: Give what a knock? TOM: I don't want to know 169 INT. POLICE OFFICE HALLWAY - NIGHT A door opens near the police officer's main entrance. Cornelius looks both ways. Then crosses the hall, dragging the Chief of Police by the feet. MIKE: So the role of "cop" in this film is the same as the role of "Orc" in fantasy role-playing games TOM: Pretty much 170 INT. KORBEN'S STATEROOM Korben finishes putting on his tux, still on the phone. KORBEN Listen, Ma! I've only got a few days vacation and I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend them on the phone. CROW: Finally, some manhood rises out of the Oedipus Wreck! The door RINGS. KORBEN ...Hang on, it's the door. No! I told you I didn't bring anybody! I'm all alone... as usual! TOM: That must be comforting to tell your mother Korben opens the door. It's not the champagne. Even better. It's Leeloo. CROW: Yeah but does Leeloo tickle your nose? MIKE: I'm sure she does, Crow KORBEN (to his mother) ...I'll call you back. Leeloo heads right for her suitcase and starts to undress. Korben has to turn away once more. KORBEN Here we go again... CROW: Me pretending to not be interested while looking for any reflective surface in the room LEELOO (by rote) You know women normally change five times more than men. MIKE: *Leeloo* It's called hygene. Try it sometime, Korben, OK? KORBEN You get that off the screen? LEELOO Yes... you know there's a lot of differences between men women. MIKE: Like luggage? CROW: You're just not going to let that go, are you KORBEN You noticed.. LEELOO OK, you can turn around! Korben turns around. Leeloo has put on a very simple dress which is sexy to the max. He is smitten. So much so that Leeloo wonders if something isn't quite right. CROW: Sadly, Leeloo has been right about that for most of the script KORBEN Where you going? LEELOO I'm going to see the Diva sing. What's the matter?... Do I look bad? KORBEN No, not at all! I mean, just the opposite, you're... you're beautiful! TOM: Whoa, Don Juan, slow down man! Leeloo smiles at him, his compliment pleases her. She turns, revealing her unzippered back. Korben cannot help but stare at her bare flesh. Her perfect bottom. MIKE: So the perfect being has buns of steel? TOM: There's so much in this script I don't want to speculate about LEELOO Do you know how this works? Korben's blood boils. She wriggles, pressing her hands together close to the zipper. KORBEN I have an idea. CROW: But remember I don't even know what bees are, so I may be too dumb to operate a zipper. Consider yourself warned! But instead of pulling on the zipper he slips a bracelet on her wrist. A florescent beam bursts out of the bracelet and forms a vertical bar going from the floor to the ceiling. Stunned, Leeloo is held captive. TOM: Isn't it a LITTLE early to get kinky with the Supreme Being? MIKE: Man, this is getting disturbing KORBEN I told you I need to work in peace. Remember? I need to concentrate. LEELOO And you can't concentrate with me around?. CROW: *LEELOO* Does my extra punctuation distract you? KORBEN It's difficult. TOM: I have enough trouble eating breakfast cereal, so yes She tries to breakout. MIKE: And then play Dig-Dug. KORBEN Army issue. I'm sorry. Leeloo tries desperately to get out of the handcuffs. Impossible. Korben sets the radio down in front of her and turns it on. Leeloo looks like she'd like to break his head. MIKE: That's right, leave the Supreme Being bare-assed and handcuffed in your quarters. I'm sure Cornelius would be SO PROUD LEELOO (seething) You're nothing but a... a... CROW: Hound Dog? TOM: Pinata? MIKE: Sticky-Note? KORBEN The words you're looking for weren't in the dictionary you studied. I won't be long. The door flies open. Loc Rhod barges in. LOC RHOD Hey Stud we gotta... Then he sees the scene, Leeloo cuffed, in a low cut dress. His mind goes to the obvious. CROW: *LOC* OOOOH, nice dress! Can I have it? LOC RHOD Korben my man what's happening here? Who's the chick? What's the gig? We free forming here? Getting funky with the monkey? Can I get in on this? MIKE: Say what you will, but he DOES add some refreshing literacy and wordplay to the story TOM: True Korben grabs him by the collar.. KORBEN No..to all of the above. CROW: Loc quickly tries to remember what he said, and is very disappointed And yanks Loc Rhod out of the room. Leaving Leeloo looking extremely unhappy. TOM: *LEELOO* Now I have to listen to Loc's crappy show while I'm locked up here! 171 INT. RADIO - OMIT TOM: AAAAAAGHHH!!! 172 INT. LOC RHOD'S STATEROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT - OMIT 173 INT. HALL - OMIT 174 INT. BATHROOM - OMIT 175 INT. DIVA'S SUITE FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT - OMIT MIKE: PLOT - OMIT TOM: EXPOSITION - OMIT CROW: INTEREST - OMIT 176 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE OPERA - NIGHT Loc Rhod and Korben enter what turns out to be a replica of the Garnier Opera in Paris. A hostess escorts them to their seats. TOM: *HOSTESS* Action hero and effeminate comedy relief seating is right here LOC RHOD (broadcasting) We have just walked into what is probably the most beautiful concert hall in the universe. Totally awesome! Magnificent paintings on the ceiling. I don't know who painted them, but he must have busted his balls! I see a row of former ministers, more sinister than minister! A few generals practicing how to sleep. And there's Baby Ray, star of stage and screen, drowning in a sea of nymphets. He's not gonna get much out of this concert, he's stone-deaf! MIKE: Pathetic joke coming in for a landing... ANGLE ON: Baby Ray bending his ear to a girl asking for an autograph. MIKE: Joke is approaching runway... BABY RAY ...to who? MIKE: Joke has landed, we have offended people with hearing impairments. Over and out LOC RHOD (moving down the aisle) ...And over there is Roy Von Bacon, the king of laserball and the best paid player in the League. CROW: He can bring home himself and fry himself up in a pan! (shakes hands as he goes by) ...And over there is the Emperor Kodar Japhet whose daughter Aachen is still at the bar. "I love to sing, too, but in the shower", she recently confessed to me. She will no doubt prove to be as generous tonight as she always is. TOM: Yeah, let the Emperor know you're making the galactic monkey with his daughter on the air. I'm sure no royal families keep assassins anymore A waiter gives them two glasses of champagne. Track with the WAITER an he leaves the hall with his empty tray. He enters a small room reserved for staff. TOM: Known affectionately as "the refuge from those pretentious asses." 177 INT. STAFF ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The waiter joins some other WAITERS. They are well armed. He opens a cupboard and pulls out a humongous weapon. Suddenly their faces burn off revealing AKANIT, the young leader of the Mangalores, and his troops. AKANIT It's showtime! ALL: at the Apollo! 178 INT. CONCERT HALL The lights dim slowly in the concert hall. TOM: Damn, our UPS failed again 179 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindbergh and his staff, including Munro, sit at the desk. Speakers appear. MIKE: *MUNRO* World may be ending but we can listen to a kick-ass concert, can't we sir? 180 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo, still a prisoner, listens to the concert. CROW: *LEELOO* No more Marilyn Manson, please.... 181 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben is tense. The curtain rises. The Diva, in a stunning gown, stands in the center of the stage, head bowed. Behind her, a star filled window. The MUSIC begins. The Diva looks up, a rare beauty, but an alien. And then she begins to sing. Her voice is divine, unmatched. Korben is swept up in the TEARS. CROW: What tears? TOM: I think mine MIKE: You don't HAVE tear ducts, Tom 182 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Leeloo has tears in her eyes CROW: *LEELOO* She really does suck, and no one's told her all these years.... 183 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The manager couldn't care less about the concert. His main problem is the bottle of scotch he can't seem to open. The doorbell RINGS. MANAGER (ugly mood) Yeah!? TOM: *muffled* Land Shark VOICE (O.S.) Flowers for the Diva. MANAGER She's allergic to flowers!!! VOICE (O.S.) There's champagne as well... MIKE: And we got some malt liquor and Mad Dog if she wants too The manager takes one look at the stubborn bottle and opens the door. And finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. A dozen Mangalores rush in. One of them, with a human face, closes the door and waits out in the hall. ANGLE ON: Cornelius watching from around the corner. CORNELIUS ...My God! MIKE: *DEEP VOICE* You got yourself into this script, you get yourself out! 184 INT. CONTROL ROOM FHLOSTON PARADISE CAPTAIN Commander, I have a ship with a main malfunction. He requests permission to dock for repairs. CROW: Why is the Captain asking a Commander this? Doesn't Captain outrank Commander? MIKE: Oh but Crow, you forget. This is... TOM: *Announcer voice* The Future! COMMANDER Did you check out his registration number? CAPTAIN Everything's in order. COMMANDER Put him in the docking garage and inform the police. TOM: Hey, what does Sting have to do with this? MIKE: He means the Futuristic Police, Tom CROW: Maybe they'll use those Crime Pigs to search for illegal truffles TOM: Yeah, and then sexually harass women while criticizing the amount of their luggage. 185 INT. COCKPIT ZFX200 - NIGHT CAPTAIN (V.O.) Permission granted. Dock 575. You have an hour. Will that be enough time'? Zorg sits at the controls. TOM: *Gomer Pyle* Surprise, Surprise, Surprise ZORG (cold) More than enough. 186 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The ZFX approaches Fhloston. MIKE: ZFX. The audience is indifferent. 187 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE The ship comes close enough for Leeloo to see it out the window. FLASHBACK: TOM: You're having an 8 Track Flashback The same ships with Mangalores at the controls attack the Mondoshawans at the beginning of our story. CROW: Does this mean we'll have to recite our riffs from that scene? MIKE: Nah, let them run free in their natural environments. TOM: Yeah, I'm sure there will be MUCH more to mock originally. 188 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE CROW: Nevermind Leeloo is alarmed. She has to act. She seizes the flourescent bar beam with great effort and rams it into the ceiling, marking a hole large enough for her to escape. TOM: Which she could have done earlier but... 189 INT. CLOSET FHLOSTON PARADISE Cornelius bursts into the closet he left the Chief of Police tied and gagged in. He quickly unties him. MIKE: *CORNELIUS* Sorry, I hope you don't mind that I assaulted you. CORNELIUS (in a panic) Mangalores! The Diva's suite! They want the Sacred Stones! They must be stopped. We must stop them!. I'm going to free you but you must promise to help me! MIKE: I'm overdosing on Exclamation Points! The Chief of Police nods his agreement. TOM: *CHIEF OF POLICE* Damn, them's a lot of exclamation points 190 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The Mangalores have trashed the suite. MIKE: The Black Sabbath road crew at work... One of the Mangalores finally finds a case engraved with the four elements. MANGALORE I have it. CROW: *MANGALORE* The Acting Bug MIKE: Thank goodness SOMEONE does The Mangalore is about to open the case when... Leeloo descends quietly and gracefully from the ceiling. Time stands still. TOM: T-minus five seconds until Nose Abuse. Please clear the area. LEELOO (smiling) Apipoulai! MIKE: She's offering them apple pan dowdy! What is that anyway? 191 INT. CONCERT HALL The Diva switches from classical music to funk, TOM: Two musical styles that blend SO well into each other... picking up the tempo. CROW: Yes, Divas are so well known for getting funky... TOM: Yeah. Heard Pavarotti's rap album yet? MIKE: *shuddering* No, I only just now got over that whole Pat Boone/Metal thing. INTERCUT': 192 INT. DIVA'S SUITE / CONCERT HALL. A WARRIOR whips out the biggest knife ever made and rushes Leeloo. MIKE: Invest in phallic symbols today! TOM: Your tax dollars at work, folks She disarms him gracefully. A violent fight breaks out. CROW: Surprise! MIKE: Violent fight. As opposed to a nice, peaceful fight? The Diva sings and Leeloo dances. The Mangalores pay a heavy price for the show. TOM: Yeah, Ticketmaster sucks! 193 INT. CORRIDOR Hearing noise from inside the suite, the Mangalore by the door gets nervous. CROW: If my race's name sounded like a Heavy Metal band I'd be nervous too. He runs for reinforcements. 194 INT. POLICE STATION Cornelius enters the police station wearing handcuffs. The Chief of Police is behind him holding a gun. CROW: We found this guy outside the Victoria's Secret store, sir 195 INT. DIVA'S SUITE / CONCERT HALL Leeloo knocks out the last Mangalore just as the Diva finishes her song to a burst of applause. ALL: *The Crowd* Play some Skynyrd!!! The Diva takes a bow. So does Leeloo. MIKE: And the point of all this is? TOM: Violence is the same as music? CROW: A talent honed over the years to bring joy to all is equal to breaking bones and bruising flesh? MIKE: Well, that was properly cynical. TOM: Good. Let's return to the script. 196 INT. ROOM Akanit and his men listen to the concert. The Mangalore guard runs in. MIKE: *Jimmy Durante* Stop da Music! MANGALORE They were waiting for us! It was an ambush! AKANIT If it's war they want it's war they'll get! MIKE: I don't want war, I want a large Coke Enact the Final Plan! All the Mangalores cock their weapons. CROW: Ah... nah. MIKE: Trying not to go off half-cocked Crow? CROW: Ha, ha Nelson. 197 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Leeloo is about to open the case when the door EXPLODES. TOM: I'm writing a stern letter to the manufacturer! Zorg is there holding a ZF1. ZORG My compliments, little lady! ...And thanks for doing all the dirty work! I couldn't have done it any better myself! MIKE: Because I'm an idiot (sharply) ...Now hand over the Stones! TOM: I... you know, I think we're running out of Stones jokes, guys. MIKE: Yeah, not so much a running joke as a lurching one any more. CROW: Nice while it lasted. MIKE: At least no one's head had to explode again. Leeloo smiles and hands him the case. Zorg arms the ZF1 and gets ready to kill her. ZORG Nice knowing you. CROW: Not nice enough, I guess Leeloo catches on quickly. She kicks the scotch bottle on the floor into the gun which throws Zorg's shot off. She jumps to the ceiling and disappears in an air vent. Furious, Zorg fires at the ceiling. TOM: Hey, Mike, wasn't Gary Oldman in Die Hard? MIKE: No, that was Alan Rickman. CROW: I thought Bruce Willis was supposed to do the air vent thing in these movies? TOM: *announcer voice* It's The Future! MIKE: I really hope you stop doing that soon, Tom 198 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo dodges the bullets as best as she can. CROW: *LEELOO* Nyah Nyah, can't hit me...OW! Missed again...OW! 199 INT. SUITE Zorg fires his 3000 round clip. The ceiling looks like a piece of swiss cheese. CROW: That is a dire insult to all Swiss everywhere! Zorg sticks a small cylinder in the wall and flicks it on. The numbers flashing by tell us it's a bomb. MIKE: Any one of Bruce Willis' films TOM: Like Hudson Hawk MIKE: North CROW: The Jackal MIKE: Or Mercury Rising The timer reads: 19 minutes and 59 seconds. ZORG (with a crafty smile) You can run but you can't hide... CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the script, I apologize for the inane dialogue and these incredibly STUPID characters MIKE: Crow, the script wasn't your fault! CROW: Someone has to take responsibility, Mike. Someone... 200 INT. POLICE OFFICE FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT Cornelius is seated opposite the Chief of Police. A MEDIC is bandaging the chief's head. The door explodes. TOM: THERE IT GOES AGAIN!! MIKE: I guess the doors are made by the same company that makes Shuttlecraft for Voyager The cop outside in riddled with bullets. A dozen Mangalore attack the police office. Akanit is at their head. The policemen are caught unaware. AKANIT Nobody move! We're taking over this ship! CROW: *James Cagney* We're takin' over, see? Ain't nobody gonna stop us The Chief of Police is goggle-eyed. Cornelius leans toward him. MIKE: *CORNELIUS* So the Gorilla says to the Porn Star, "You mean that's NOT my banana?" CORNELIUS (pleased with himself) I told you... CROW: Is it appropriate to be smug when ugly-assed aliens are pointing guns at you? TOM: Cornelius is a few letters short of a full New Testament, Crow 201 INT. CORRIDOR Zorg has the case and exits the suite just as the general alarm goes off. CROW: And General Alarm's sidekick... er, uh...I don't know. MIKE: Yeah, we're really running out of fuel here. TOM: I blame it on the death of Roy. CROW: We lost the stones, we lost this - face it, this script is taking its toll. MIKE: But we can't surrender. CROW: Never. Never. He sighs in exasperation. MIKE: Hey, at least the door didn't explode! 202 INT. CONCERT HALL Three Mangalores suddenly rush into the opera hall shooting. TOM: *ominous voice* Tonight on A&E, The FUNERAL of Figaro CROW: *Peter Graves* Right after an all-new BIOGRAPHY MANGALORE 1 Everyone down! TOM: Everyone get high! CROW: Everyone get low! MIKE: These are the days where anything goes! TOM: The 'Sheryl Crow' sketch, folks! There is panic all around. LOC RHOD (broadcasting, panic stricken) Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're being... attacked. The place is crawling with warriors. CROW: *LOC RHOD* I told them to spray, but did the darlings do it? No! Not listening to little ol' me. MIKE: You do that so well Crow I may have to kill you. 203 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg and his generals look very worried. ALL: We're very worried! 204 INT. CONCERT HALL Some security guards open fire one of the Mangalores is hit. The others turn their guns on the cops. People scream, diving for cover. Korben bides his time. TOM: *KORBEN* They'll run out of ammunition killing helpless, innocent people whose only crime is to be in the same place than me, then I can run for it! More Mangalores rush in from all around shooting. Two cops are killed. The Diva... takes a bullet. MIKE: And rams it into a Mangalore, since she forgot to bring a gun. She falls from the stage into Korben's arms. He lowers her to the floor. Korben ignores the panic all around and wraps her in his dinner jacket, trying to stop the blue blood spurting from her wounds. CROW: Now SHE'S a New Englander! 205 EXT./ INT. SPACE AROUND FHLOSTON Zorg's ZFX200 speeds away from the boat. Zorg is at the controls, a devilish smile on his lips. MIKE: *precious* I'm so evil. I love it when I'm evil... ZORG You want something done, do it yourself! TOM: When in doubt, spout a cliche CROW: Then apparently the Zorgomatic here has had a lot of doubt lately... 206 INT. CONCERT HALL Fighting rages all around in the concert hall, but Korben is oblivious to it. He sets the Diva's head delicately on the floor. CROW: Right beside her decapitated body Loc Rhod is hidden nearby, still on the air. TOM: And on several controlled substances, if I'm any judge. LOC RHOD (voice low, panicked) They're hideous. They've got a crest on the head, the eyes of a toad and fingers all over their hands. Totally hideous! CROW: *LOC RHOD* They look like I feel when I wake up in the morning, babies! TOM: Man, Crow, that is CREEPY. 207 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE. MUNRO (worried) ...Mangalores! PRESIDENT Send a battalion out immediately! TOM: If I remember what they mentioned travel-time wise, won't that take hours? Won't that be too late, won't that... MIKE: Require continuity? TOM: Oh, yeah,sorry. 208 INT. CONCERT HALL KORBEN (to the Diva) I was sent by the government to help you. TOM: Sorry about wasting your tax dollars and all being an incompetent boof. DIVA Don't worry. This is my fate... How was the concert? Korben is a little surprised, but... the Diva is an artist. MIKE: Ah, so she had no useful skills when she hit the job market KORBEN I've never heard anything so beautiful in my life. TOM: *KORBEN* A shame this is a script so the audience couldn't share it. A Mangalore jumps on them from the stage. Korben makes short work of him and grabs his gun MIKE: Insert fight scene here DIVA (weak) You're a good man... She was right to have chosen you... KORBEN Who? DIVA The Fifth Element... The Supreme Being... Your wife... Korben is floored. TOM: As he's been throughout this film KORBEN Leeloo... is... she's... MIKE: *KORBEN* No, wait, my wife? The one who left with my lawyer? Great, and I've been hanging around with a ditzy alien chick who doesn't know how to dress all this time! DIVA Yes, and more than that... You must give her the Stones, she's the only one who knows how to use them. KORBEN (to himself, suddenly realizing) ...So Cornelius was telling the truth! ALL: Duh! CROW: His mind has more down time than AOL 209 INT. POLICE STATION The Mangalores tie up Cornelius and the Chief of Police together. MIKE: *MANGALORE* You're a priest, we figured you'd enjoy this. CORNELIUS (to the Chief of Police) Of course I was telling you the truth!... If you had listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! TOM: And if you and Leeloo didn't beat the police up left and right things may have gone different for Cornel-E-Ass! 210 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben wastes two more Mangalores. MIKE: And a Mangalore... forget it. TOM: Yeah, pretty much that whole "terrible to waste" joke is long dead. DIVA She needs you. She needs your help and your love. She's more fragile than she seems... CROW: Except when she wants to bust noses, then look out! Korben looks around, ready for another attack. MIKE: Of Bad Acting KORBEN ...Yeah, so am I. The Diva takes his hand. DIVA She was taught to love the life of others... but not her own. You have to teach her to love if you want her to truly live! MIKE: I hate to be critical, but emotional instability is a bad trait to build into your Supreme Being. TOM: Maybe they can return Leeloo to the original manufacturer. KORBEN (uncomfortable) I'll help her, I promise, but I think you should tell me where the stones are DIVA Do you love her? KORBEN I... I don't know! We hardly know each other... it takes time! CROW: And Korben is struck by a sudden burst of rationality DIVA I don't have time... I need to know. MIKE: Or what, you won't tell Brick Chunkhead here were the stones are and the whole earth will die? I don't believe this. TOM: Yeah, the Mondo-whatchamacallits really botched this plan to stop Evil. KORBEN Listen, the last time I admitted to a woman I loved her, I never saw her again MIKE: *DIVA* I can understand how she felt DIVA I would like to have died in peace... The Diva's eyes close. 211 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The timer on Zorg's bomb clicks over to "15 minutes". 212 INT. CONCERT HALL KORBEN You tell me to save the world then you go off and leave me in the shit! MIKE: Korben you STARTED there! He shakes her, gently slapping her cheeks. TOM: Try kissing her. Worked on Leeloo! KORBEN Come on! You're not gonna die in peace! You're not going to die at all! You hear me? Where are the stones? 213 INT. SPACESHIP Zorg sets the Sacred Case on a table in the cockpit. He opens it with a complacent smile: It's empty! ALL:Wah-Wah-Wahhhhh. He cannot believe his eyes. He goes berserk, destroying everything in sight. MIKE: Control panels, nuclear control rods, life support . . . TOM: You know, the Zorgostomy has not been much of a threat. MIKE: Yeah, the villain is kind of lacking. 214 INT. CONCERT HALL Korben slaps the Diva soundly. She comes around somewhat. MIKE: So what kind of first aid training did Korben here GET in the military? KORBEN I'm sorry, but... the Stones... CROW: Are old has-beens. MIKE: Hey! Managed another. CROW: I'm trying. TOM: As long as it stops him from doing his Loc Rhod imitation. CROW: *LOC RHOD* You got a problem my man? Don't get in a funk, we'll wait for Korben to save the monk and the bad guys they'll be sunk, honeyman! TOM: Crow, don't make me come over there and hurt you. MIKE: Yeah, Crow, you're pushing it way too far. DIVA (very weak) They are... with me... The Diva dies. Blue blood streams from her mouth. Korben frisks the Diva but doesn't find anything. The shooting slowly stops in the theatre. The Mangalores are now in total control. MIKE: Masters of their own domain. TOM and CROW: Mike!!!!!!! MIKE: What. TOM: Mike, Seinfeld is over, all right! We don't need any reminders. CROW: Yeah, how many years of that hack and his friends... geez! MIKE: *Cowed* Sorry... MANGALORE 2 Stay calm and nobody will get hurt! Hands on your head and into the hall! The guests comply KORBEN (to himself) ...The Stones are with me? and then it occurs to him. CROW: This could have been a lot better written KORBEN ...In me? He touches the Diva's stomach and senses something hard. Girding himself, he sticks his hand in the wound and pulls out a Sacred Stone. MIKE: Ick TOM: No wonder she sang so horribly CROW: Never order the Crab Bisque again Then another. And another. Korben pulls out all four Stones, covered in blue blood. Everyone has left the theater. TOM: The extras have left the building! The Mangalores check the aisles one by one. Loc Rhod peeks out from under a seat. MIKE: *KORBEN* Oh, you're still alive? LOC RHOD Don't you think we'd better be going? A Mangalore spots Korben kneeling alongside the Diva. He grabs Korben by the shoulder and pokes him with his gun. TOM: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not shooting you. Does this bug you? MANGALORE Hey, you! With the others! Korben spins and, in one swift motion, breaks his arm. Just for starters. Another WARRIOR rushes over. Korben punches him into oblivion and snatches the gun. CROW: Er... these are the bad guys? MIKE: Apparently they went to the same training school as the Pig-loving FutureCops here. TOM: That's because its...*MIKE muffles him* TOM: Hey, if Crow can do the ram-Rhod, why can't I... MIKE: I'll deal with Crow. Oh, yes, I will... CROW *GULP* KORBEN That's it... I've had... all day people have been sticking guns in my face... Korben wraps up the four Stones in his shirt. TOM: Hoping the armpit stains and peculiar odor will conceal them LOC RHOD Korben man... These dudes are going to waste us if we don't do what they say. MIKE: *KORBEN* Then let's hope they waste you first, Fruit-of-the-Boom-box. Korben gives him the package and grabs his mike. KORBEN You don't do what I say... I'll waste you myself. Got it? TOM: Yeah! MIKE: Right on! You've got to be firm but fair with these DJs LOC RHOD Got it... TOM: *LOC RHOD* But I'm having it treated...] MIKE: C'mon, guys *MIKE and the BOTS get up and leave the theater* 6....5....4....3....2....1....()=() *TOM IS LOOKING OVER FOUR STRANGE STONES. MIKE AND GYPSY ENTER.* MIKE: Hey, Tom, what you got there? TOM: Not sure. I picked up a lot of stuff on the edge of the universe, and I think I've got four mystic stones of unspeakable power here! GYPSY: They're pretty. TOM: Whatever. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to do with them. No Fifth Element and all. She just kinda left after turning Crow into Orgami. GYPSY: Rock garden? TOM: Hmm, that's what I was thinking.... *THE SOL SUDDENLY STARTS TO SHAKE AND LIGHTS FLASH. CROW CHARGES IN.* CROW: Mike, Tom, Gypsy, miscellaneous rocks, take a look at what's outside! MIKE: Cambot, Rocket Number Nine! *OUTSIDE OF THE SOL. A HUGE BALL OF FLAMING DARK EVIL HOVERS OUTSIDE.* MIKE: It's Evil. TOM: Don't you mean... EVIL!!!! MIKE: Tom, a big ball of Flaming Hell is outside, it's no time to be s arcastic! Can you get those rocks to work? TOM: Can you get me a hot alien babe to fire them off? MIKE: Er, no. GYPSY: She left after hearing about Mike's habits of wasting planets. MIKE: That's really going to haunt me forever, isn't it? GYPSY: Probably. CROW: I suggest random panic, running around, and hoping this all works out. TOM: We always do that... [THE MAD LIGHT FLASHES.] MIKE: Great...*HITS THE MAD LIGHT* (CASTLE FORRESTER. SHERWOOD STANDS IN VIEW, WHILE BEHIND HIM BOBO IS TRYING TO MOVE AN ENORMOUS GARBAGE BAG BIGGER THAN HIMSELF.* SHERWOOD: Hey guys, saw that mom was giving you the business. What's that... *SOL. STILL SHAKING. EVIL IS VISIBLE IN THE HEXFIELD.* ALL: Evil!!!! Evil!!!! *CASTLE FORRESTER. SHERWOOD IS CALM* SHERWOOD: Evil! Hey, how's it going! *SOL. MIKE AND THE BOTS TREMBLE, EXPECTING A BOOMING VOICE FROM THE UNHOLY DEPTHS TO SPEAK, BUT INSTEAD IT'S A FRIENDLY KEVIN MURPHYISH VOICE. THIS TAKES DOWN THE PANIC LEVEL ON THE OL' SOL BIG TIME, LEMME TELL YA* EVIL: Fine, fine. Just about to adsorb them and eat the mystic stones. You? *CASTLE FORRESTER* SHERWOOD: Moving in with mom. Still doing the extermination thing? *SOL. MIKE AND THE BOTS STARE DUMBFOUNDED. BLACK LIQUID OOZES FROM THE WALLS.* EVIL: Yes. Very boring, really. *CASTLE FORRESTER.* SHERWOOD: Well, have you tried going on vacation? Getting out, visiting a few places, seeing the sights? *SOL.* EVIL: I can do that? *CASTLE FORRESTER* SHERWOOD: Of course you can! You're Evil! Who's going to tell you what to do! *SOL. EVIL IS SLOWLY MOVING AWAY.* EVIL: Great! I'll see you in another 5000 years! I'm going to see what's up on Risa! MIKE: Sure... bye. Whoo... *CASTLE FORRESTER* SHERWOOD: Well, glad to see he's getting some rest finally, so... *ENTER PEARL. SHE LOOKS FURIOUS - AND COVERED IN BLACK GOO. OBSERVER FOLLOWS HER WITH A MOP, HIS BRAIN-PAN BALANCED ON HIS HEAD. IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE IMPRESSIVE.* PEARL: Sherwood. What are you up to? Ithought you were helping me clean while I was trying to convince you NOT to live here. SHERWOOD: Oh, Evil dropped by, Mom. I told him to go take a rest, he needs to you know. PEARL: Of course you did. Sherwood, did you ever think that Evil showing up would be something that, say, a certain world-conquering evil relative of yours might use to her... or his...own ends. SHERWOOD: *THOUGHTFUL* No. Not really. I mean a big flaming ball of Evil? How stupid can you get. Well, I'm going to help Bobo there before he needs a truss. See you mom! PEARL: *TO OBSERVER* He's getting on my nerves. OBSERVER: I completely sympathize, as I have FAR more nerves to get on. PEARL: *LOOKING AT SOL CREW* What are you staring at! Get back to the theater and read your script before I get really angry! *SOL. MOVIE SIGN.* TOM: Here we go again.... *THEY RUSH INTO THE THEATER* CROW: *As they sit down* You know, Evil completely took me by surprise. He's got a bad rap but he's actually an okay poopie 215 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg dabs his sweaty face with a towel. 216 INT. POLICE STATION Akanit is still in the police station facing control screens. He barks into a walkie-talkie. ALL: RUFF! RUFF! GRRRR.... AKANIT What's the situation in the hall? 217 INT. HALL Hostages are being gathered in the middle of the hall. They are surrounded by Mangalores who guard them. MUGGER (into walkie-talkie) There's no more resistance. Everything's under control. Three Mangalores are suddenly blasted through the glass door leading to the theater. Korben bursts into the hall, tow huge guns in his hands. TOM: *MANGALORE* We meant no resistance and control in the statistically signifcant sense, sir. KORBEN Everybody down! MIKE: *KORBEN* ER...except you Mangalore guys Korben takes out two more WARRIORS coming towards him, rolls behind a column. TOM: *Blasto* Oh I'm GOOOOOOOOD Laser bullets stinging all around his head. LOC RHOD This is amazing! Korben, Korben Dallas, the winner of the Gemini Croquette contest just killed three warriors like he was swatting flies! MIKE: Except the flies would probably be smarter Panic everywhere! Heavy firing fills the hall. ANGLE ON: Roy von Bacon, the laserball player, rises from the floor behind a Mangalore, grabs him and smashes his head into a column, seizing the gun. TOM: Roy von Bacon is out for vengeance in "Hell Bent for Pork Rinds!" ANGLE ON: Two Mangalores firing a huge machine gun at the column Korben is using for cover. He dives for cover behind the bar. ANGLE ON: Two Mangalores watch awestruck. Roy whistles behind them. The two Mangalores turn around. Roy bonks their heads together. CROW: I bet the real Roy would have appreciated this LOC RHOD It's Roy von Bacon, the Lions center forward joining in the battle... MIKE: Yeah, sports figures are known for their combat skills. TOM: Too true. I'd rather lead the Dallas Cowboys into combat than trained soldiers any day. Someone taps Loc Rhod on the shoulder. He jumps with fright. TOM: Ah! Human contact when I'm not acting like a sex-crazed weasel disturbs me! PRINCESS AACHEN (hot to trot) All this is terribly exciting, hmmm? TOM: Not really Loc Rhod covers his mike. LOC RHOD GET OFF MY BACK! CROW: I bet he was saying just the opposite a few hours ago. A Mangalore shoots in their direction. Loc Rhod flattens himself on the floor. A vase falls on the Princess knocking her out. MIKE: Now there's something unusual. In sexist action fantasies the women usually use the vases as weapons. TOM: I hope you don't think that counts as innovative. MIKE: Just noteworthy. A Mangalore loads some missiles in his gun and destroys the bar piece by piece forcing Korben to move forward. Korben motions to Baby Ray hiding under the pool table. KORBEN Toss me the balls! BABY RAY (terrified, still deaf) What? CROW: Ah yes, more Fun With Deaf People Another piece of the bar explodes. TOM: Guess the guy who made the doors was working overtime. CROW: *Construction Worker* Yeah, your plastique isn't a common construction material, but I got some extra and I can use it real cheap... KORBEN The balls for Christ's sake! TOM: Give them to Loc, he needs some, for Christ's sake! Korben apes playing pool, but Baby Ray really is stone-deaf. CROW: ???? MIKE: I think we have a new champion for Most Confusing Line in the Script EMPEROR JAPHET He wants the balls! Are you deaf or something?! TOM: Oh yes, let's offend the hearing impaired some more CROW: Yeah, and there's probably some blind guy they'll hand a rifle to next. The EMPEROR rolls the balls over to Korben. The Mangalore loads more missiles and shatters another part of the bar. Korben hides behind the last bit left. KORBEN How far is he from here? The EMPEROR glances at the Mangalore, who in reloading. EMPEROR I'd say about thirty yards to the left. CROW: Forget that I'm royalty, my inbred hemophiliac color-blind schizophrenia comes in handy in situations like this. Korben hefts the ball, jumps up and hurls it with blinding speed. The Mangalore catches it right in the head. He drops, firing in the air. The missile strikes the ceiling which collapses on him. The emperor gives Korben a thumb's up. MIKE: Korben Dallas or Chuck Taine, you be the judge LOC RHOD ...And our man Korben has literally knocked out the opposition with an amazing 90 foot pitch. CROW: *LOC RHOD* And Korben Dallas could...go... all...the...way! TOM: Mike? MIKE: We let him live, that wasn't too offensive. The COPS on the floor rise, scoop up weapons from dead Mangalores and lay down a line of fire at the last of the fleeing rebels. TOM: Rebels? Is this Star Wars? MIKE: Hardly. Roy whirls his arm in victory. CROW: I'm a helicopter! Wheeeeee! FOG Thanks for your help. MIKE: *FOG* You really dealt with the me of war well. I thought you were lost in a me for a moment, but you're an OK guy! KORBEN Forget it. MIKE: *FOG* Gladly, Mr. Huston Korben grabs Loc Rhod and takes him with him. 218 INT. KORBEN'S SUITE Korben bursts into the room. He stares at the luminous bar still struck to the ground and sees the hole Leeloo escaped through. KORBEN Leeloo??? MIKE: *KORBEN* Come on honey, I brought you a sexually ambiguous radio personality! Come on, come here... 219 INT. DIVA'S SUITE - CEILING Leeloo in bleeding all over. She can barely move. LEELOO (feeble) Kor... ban... MIKE: It's number one! It gets the job done, It's Kor-ban, we're...*looks at the Bots* what? TOM: That's a bit sick even for you. CROW: But not for me. TOM: True. 220 EXT. NEAR FHLOSTON The ZFX 200 speeds back toward Fhloston Paradise. 221 INT. DIVA'S SUITE The bomb timer now reads 10 minutes. 222 INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY - FHLOSTON PARADISE The last of the Mangalores have barricaded themselves in the back of the station and shoot at anything that tries to enter. Korben joins the men already there. TOM: We return to your plot, such as it is, already in progress. COP 1 Hey, who are you? KORBEN The winner of the Gemini Croquette contest. TOM: You know, you gotta feel like a real idiot to find the winner of some big contest on your futuristic skyliner is helping save your butt. CROW: The lawyers will probably say it's all part of the experience. Korben goes to the door and peeks around the corner. Loc Rhod arrives. ALL: *non-committal* Joy KORBEN Seven to the left. Five to the right. COP What's he doing? CROW: Just adding an action-comedy mix with the hope of waking up the audience, nothing special. Korben leans around the corner and fires rapidly. KORBEN Six to the left. One to the right. LOC RHOD He's on vacation. MIKE: From reality, good taste, and common sense. KORBEN (reloading) We got to find the leader. Mangalores don't fight without a leader. MIKE: Ah, the Reform Party! 223 INT. POLICE STATION Akanit gets up, grabs Cornelius by the throat and put a gun to his head. AKANIT One more shot and we start killing hostages, got that? MIKE: Akanit is pretty slow in the idea department. CROW: He's the Peter Principle in action - terrorist/evil-alien wise, that is. 224 INT. POLICE STATION HALLWAY KORBEN Found him... AKANIT (tense) Send someone to negotiate! KORBEN Mind if I go? I'm an excellent negotiator. TOM: *RAIN MAN* An excellent negotiator, excellent. COP 1 Uh... Sure, go ahead. Korben gets ready. COP 1 We're sending someone in who's authorized to negotiate. CROW: Ignore the smell, he's very sensitive about it! 225 INT. POLICE STATION Korben walks quickly into the room, heads straight for Akanit, raises his gun and puts a bullet through his head. KORBEN Anyone else want to negotiate? COP 2 (to another Cop) Where'd he learn to negotiate like that? TOM: The Ollie North School of Hallucinated Machismo. 226 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO From us! The President gives Munro a hard look. 227 INT. CONTROL ROOM The police round up the remaining Mangalores. Korben is at the control center screens trying to find Leeloo. Cornelius comes over to him, embarrassed. TOM: *CORNELIUS* Sorry the fight scenes were so lame, but the author wouldn't change them. CORNELIUS You're probably very angry with me and I quite understand. But I want you to know I'm fighting for a noble cause. MIKE: Not that convincing when you and your men have been repeatedly brutalized by you. KORBEN Yeah, I know... to save the world... but right now all I want to do is save Leeloo. MIKE: Yeah, our hero. The world and all he knows means nothing to him. CORNELIUS Leeloo's in trouble? KORBEN When is she not in trouble? TOM: When she's breaking faces, of course CORNELIUS Uh.. Have you tried the Diva's suite? Korben realizes that Cornelius in probably right. MIKE: If he'd started thinking like that earlier we wouldn't be here! 228 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE LANDING DOCK AND GARAGE The ZFX200 settles in the landing dock garage. SECURITY POLICE approach the ship just as Zorg in getting out holding the ZF1. POLICEMAN More trouble? ZORG Nothing I can't fix myself. He brings up the ZF1 and wipes out the garage. TOM: So it has a 'squeegee' function too! 229 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Korben enters the Diva's suite which is in shambles. He looks everywhere, but finds nothing. MIKE: So if there's nothing, what is the shambles made of? TOM: Now that was pretty philosophical there Mike. MIKE: Stuff like this makes me think about things - life, death, bloody vengeance, you know, the usual stuff. 230 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo lies in a pool of blood. She hears something below her. 231 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Exhausted, Loc Rhod wipes his forehead and finds himself face to face with the bomb stuck on the wall. TOM: Initiating a very strange, very short-lived, very deadly staring contest! Korben in busy looking for Leeloo. KORBEN (loudly) Leeloo? Up in the airshaft, Leeloo has heard him. LEELOO Korben... Her voice is too weak, Korben can't hear her. LOC RHOD Korben man... what the hell is this? Korben gives the bomb a prefunctory glance. TOM: *KORBEN* A metaphor for the script. KORBEN A molecular bomb. Three minutes left on the timer. LOC RHOD (increasingly worried) And, uh, what're these numbers clicking by? MIKE: Man, this guy is naive CORNELIUS Probably the time remaining before it explodes. Cornelius smiles and continues his search. LOC RHOD (weak smile) You're just saying that to scare me! Right? If it was a bomb, an alarm would've gone off. There's bomb detectors in all these Hotels. A general alarm goes off. Loc Rhod is crushed. TOM: Hopefully by a gigantic anvil. 232 INT. MAIN HALL The lights flicker. TOM: Pretty pathetic when the greatest vacation spot in the galaxy suffers from brown-outs. VOICE (O.S.) This is a Type A alert. For security reasons the hotel must be evacuated. Please proceed calmly to the lifeboats located in the main hallways. A wave of panic engulfs the hall. The cops are unable to hold back the crowd as it stampedes to the exits. CROW: *Kevin Bacon* All is well! Remain calm! All is well! 233 INT. CORRIDOR Zorg marches down the corridor shooting everyone in his path. CROW: So nothing detects this guy? TOM: It took how many minutes for their lowest-bidder security system to detect a bomb? MIKE: Yeah I'm still lost over that. 234 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Loc Rhod stands paralyzed in front of the flashing timer. TOM: Again with the standing paralyzed! CROW: No one's pushed him over, yet MIKE: Oh, allow me... Less than two minutes left. LOC RHOD Maybe we oughta be going, what do you think? KORBEN Not without Leeloo. Loc Rhod cannot take his eyes off the bomb. TOM: Like what, it's going to jump off the wall and attack him? LOC RHOD Like D-Man, I hate to bother you but uh, like, we're down to 2 minutes here... Korben breathes out, bothered. He turns his attention to the bomb. KORBEN It's the latest model.. I've never seen one before... it works off a magnetic coded card... Let's see if I can rig it up. CROW: Yeah, two minutes is enough for the man with the ringing cat who's only survived on luck to save the day. 235 INT. AIRSHAFT Leeloo sticks her fingers out one of the bullet holes and lets some of her blood drip down. The blood splats on Korben's hand. He snaps his head up and knows immediately who is up there. He forgets about the bomb. TOM: How does he know it's Leeloo? MIKE: Who else would get herself stuck in an airshaft wounded and unable to speak? TOM: Good point. LOC RHOD Hey! What are you doing? The bomb! Korben drags the desk over, jumps on it and pokes his head in the torn up airshaft He spots Leeloo who gives him a weak smile. KORBEN Don't worry, I'm here now! TOM: That sentance makes no sense when you consider who said it. He pulls her toward him, helps her out of the shaft and stretches her out on the desk. KORBEN Just relax. I've got the Stones. Everything's going to be fine. 30 seconds left on the timer. LOC RHOD (falling to pieces) Like Korben, can I have 30 seconds of your time here? TOM: At least he's keeping his sense of humor, such as it is. KORBEN (to Leeloo) I'll be right back. Korben dashes over to the bomb. He is stopped by the barrel of the ZF1. Zorg, in person, holding a magnetic card. ZORG (smiling) Allow me... TOM: Great, the so-called VILLAIN is going to save our so-called HEROES. Zorg slips a small magnetic card in the bomb, it starts to count down from 5 minutes. ZORG Just for the fun of it. Loc Rhod faints. MIKE: All this fainting - is everyone wearing their corsets too tight? TOM: Well, we can be sure Loc probably is. ZORG Well, what do we have here? Is this Korben Dallas? The famous winner of the Gemini Croquette contest? Or is this Korben Dallas from Special Section sent by old Lindberg himself. Korben doesn't reply. MIKE: Since it'd take him several minutes of thought and a dictionary to come up with a snappy comeback. ZORG ...In any event, whoever you are, I was glad to meet you. Zorg fires at Korben who figures he is dead. Nothing. Zorg tries again. Nada. The clip is empty. Zorg starts to panic. ZORG ...A 3000 round clip! I didn't fire off 3000 rounds... did I? TOM: Oh, I don't believe this. The heroes are saved not through heroics or action but by a villain who can't count? MIKE: Yeah, the Earth is worth saving all right. TOM: This is as bad as the bomb thing. KORBEN Don't you know how to count. It's not all that hard. Watch! Korben punches him square in the face, shows him his index. TOM:*KORBEN* Look at the Dewey Decimal system. Look at it! KORBEN One! That's for trying to kill me! Second Punch. CROW: Same as the first! KORBEN Two! That's for firing me! Three! That's for pushing around a priest! And the rest is for what you did to my wife! MIKE: Er...Leeloo or the woman that left with your lawyer? TOM: I think the woman who left was smarter than Leeloo. CROW: Sometimes I think Chipped Beef is smarter. Korben pummels him mercilessly. 236 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg prefers closing his eyes. Munro's shoulders move as if he were beating on Zorg. CROW: Oh, this is all so wrong! 237 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg falls to the floor, beaten to a pulp. The timer clicks over to 3 minutes. KORBEN We're outta here! He picks Leeloo up in his arms. Cornelius grabs Loc Rhod and gives him a resounding slap. MIKE: Now in this case, I'm glad he doesn't try Korben's waking-from- fainting-with-a-kiss technique. LOC RHOD Are you nuts, Father? That hurts! I can't feel my teeth. TOM: May I suggest making him feel numb in a few other areas? CORNELIUS Doesn't matter all you need are your legs. 238 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE - NIGHT The lifeboats launch from the hotel and fly out into space. 239 INT. FHLOSTON PARADISE LANDING DOCK GARAGE Korben, carrying Leeloo, Cornelius and Loc Rhod are in the garage. CROW: Huge ship, happen to make it the garage in under three minutes. VOICE (O.S.) Two minutes to complete evacuation... CROW: One minute? MIKE: Yeah, by the same amazing coincidence that let Zorg run out of bullets, the Diva's suite is next to the garage. She found the smells of oil and fusion reactors highly refreshing! Korben bursts the lock on the first ship he finds and enters followed by Cornelius and Loc Rhod. The ZFX200. CROW: Man, those plot device elves are working overtime. 240 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg starts to come around. 241 INT. ZFX200 Korben sets Leeloo down. 242 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg picks up his ZF1, unaware of the bomb and the countdown. ZORG I didn't fire three thousand rounds... CROW: Maybe it was 300. MIKE: Or 30,000. TOM: Everyone is SO number confused even this far into the script. 243 INT. ZFX2O0 COCKPIT VOICE (O.S.) One minute to total evacuation... LOC RHOD You know how to fly this thing? KORBEN (concentrating) It's like a cab isn't it? MIKE: In that it's a vehicle, beyond that . . . TOM: I thought General Crumbcake or whoever said he was familiar with all sorts of vehicles. *PAUSE* MIKE: The author is forgetting his own words, isn't he. TOM: Seems like it VOICE 30 seconds... KORBEN Anyone know how to release the lines on this crate? 244 INT. DIVA'S SUITE Zorg is busy with the ZF1 when the bomb starts to BEEP signaling the last ten seconds. Zorg is terror stricken. He pushes a button and holds the ZF1 over his head. TOM: BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL.... CROW: More like "By the Power of Numbskull." ZORG (loudly) Maximum Protection. A mauve-colored magnetic shield closes around Zorg like an indestructible sarcophagus. MIKE: Mauve? CROW: Designer magnetic shields? 245 INT. ZFX200 COCKPIT Cornelius and Loc Rhod are bent over the buttons looking for a way to release the lines. TOM: Is it just me, or did that line sound wrong? VOICE (O.S.) 6... 5... KORBEN Found it? Loc Rhod searches frantically. LOC RHOD I don't even know what I'm looking for! MIKE: In your case, dignity and ritalin. KORBEN Fuck it! Hold tight! TOM: I hope Loc doesn't take him literally Korben slams the throttle into full forward. The ship roars away ripping the lines to shreds. Loc Rhod is thrown to the rear of the ship. CUT TO: The counter goes 1... 0 -The suite disintegrates - The corridor is consumed. CROW: I'll assume because the bomb went off -The main hall is no more. CROW: *british accent* It's a stiff! bereft of life it rests in piece! 246 EXT. FHLOSTON PARADISE The ZFX200 jets away as the enormous oceanliner explodes behind it. MIKE: Take that, Kate Winslet! Eat hot fire Leonardo DiCaprio! 247 INT. ZFX200 The ship stops shaking. That was a close one. Everyone's relieved. KORBEN Solid little jobs, aren't they? LOC RHOD (broadcasting, exhausted) Dear listeners, your favorite DJ is alive CROW: He is a professional . . . and kicking. It's seven o'clock and time for the news. Tune in tomorrow for another adventure. VOCODER (O.S.) Beep. End of transmission. Loc Rhod lets out a huge sigh. LOC RHOD (to the others) The best show I ever did! MIKE: Screaming at the top of your lungs? Cringing in fear? CROW: *LOC RHOD* I.... *MIKES hand shoots up and muffles CROW* 248 EXT. PLANET FHLOSTON A magnetic sarcophagus crosses the Fhloston sky and crashes into a glacier. MIKE: I think that was supposed to be weird Titanic imagery but I'm not sure. TOM: Well, the weird imagery is pretty thick here, Mike. For all we know this explores Zorg's sense of diminished masculinity. MIKE: Thank you so much Tom. 249 EXT. FHLOSTON Zorg appears in the middle of the ice. He takes a portable phone out of the ZF1. CROW: *ZORG* You won't BELIEVE where I'm calling from! ZORG How's that? Can you hear me better now? SECRETARY (O.S.) Yes, Mr. Zorg, I hear you perfectly! So, how was the concert? MIKE: It was a bomb. CROW: Oh, Nelson, and you criticize me. ZORG Who gives a shit! I didn't come here to listen to music! Listen up instead of running off at the mouth! The batteries on my phone are almost gone. MIKE: And now the plot elves have left Zorg with a suddenly undercharged space-age cellular phone! SECRETARY (O.S.) Yes, Sir! ZORG Dispatch me another ZFX200 immediately. Someone stole mine. SECRETARY (O.S.) Right away, Sir. I'll send you a new one to the hotel. ZORG I'm not at the hotel! TOM: *ZORG* And the Hotel is not where I'm at, if you get my drift. ZORG Hello?... BEEPER (O.S.) Battery dead. Zorg is all alone, lost, in the middle of the glacier. ZORG (to himself) Stay calm.... stay calm... MIKE: That would have been good advice to yourself hours earlier, Zorgolium. 250 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE General Munro enters the office with a smile. TOM: This smile followed me home. Can I keep him? MUNRO Major Dallas has the Five Elements on board. The priest is guiding them directly to the temple. President Lindberg closes his eyes in relief. PRESIDENT Thank God! We've been saved! CROW: *Preacher Voice* Yes brothers and sisters SAY you believe in Korben Dallas! Can you FEEL the power of his mediocre acting and annoying personal habits? Say yeeeassss! A SCIENTIST rushes in. SCIENTIST Mr. President. PRESIDENT Yes? Now, what? 251 EXT. SPACE A ball of fire, all-powerful Evil, speeds across the screen with three Federal Army warships following along behind it as best they can. MIKE: *COP* OK Evil, you're exceeding the speed limit, please pull over. 252 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT What do you mean, "its advancing"?! 253 INT. COCKPIT FEDERATED WARSHIP COMMANDER It's not only advancing, but it's moving at incredible speed! TOM: Isn't that what advancing is, basically? We're having trouble following it. 254 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT (to Scientist) ...And... Do you have any idea where it's heading? The scientist is hard to put to answer, he shakes his head. CROW: *student* I know. MIKE: *teacher* Yes. CROW: *student* Earth? MIKE: *teacher* Very good, Mr. Crow. 255 INT. ZFX200 COCKPIT - NIGHT Korben gently wipes Leeloo's forehead with a cloth. She opens her eyes a little. KORBEN (gentle, loving) Apipoulai.. MIKE: Is it just me, or is the cutesy language wearing thin? TOM: Wearing? Try worn. Leeloo smiles, weakly, feverish. LEELOO I'm so very sad. TOM: Tell us about it KORBEN Why? We did pretty well, wouldn't you say? LEELOO Five hundred wars... Arms... Drugs... Money... Everything you create is used to destroy... MIKE: *KORBEN* Yeah, pretty cool ain't it KORBEN I told you not to read all that crap! TOM: Hal Lindsey is just a pessimist! LEELOO Protect life... Until death. MIKE: Better than protecting life until lunchtime. TOM: Unless you die at lunchtime. Her eyes close and she falls back asleep. Korben is worried. She seems so depressed. Cornelius enters. CORNELIUS There's a General on the phone... His name's Mambo, I think. 256 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO Munro here. President Lindberg wants to talk to you. Hold the line. CROW: *MUNRO* And it's MUNRO, get it? The President clears his throat and takes the phone. PRESIDENT Major, first off, I want to thank you, in my name and in the name of the Federation... CROW: Great, the world is in danger and HE'S worried about his image. 257 INT. ZFX200 / PRESIDENT'S OFFICE PRESIDENT (O.S.) For the praiseworthy courage you have shown us! I'd like to congratulate General Munro for his choice. He found the ideal man for such a... TOM:...dumb script KORBEN (to the point) So now what's the problem? The President drops into his armchair and sighs. PRESIDENT There's a ball of fire 1,200 miles in diameter heading straight for the earth. And we have no idea how to stop it! ...that's the problem! MIKE: *KORBEN, dumb* Duhhh, that IS a problem Korben thinks fast. The Priest is with him. The Five Elements are on board. MIKE: And that's as far as Korben's fast thinking gets him, sadly. KORBEN How much time before the collision? The President queries the scientist with a nod of the head. SCIENTIST If its speed remains constant... in an hour and 57 minutes. KORBEN (O.S.) I'll call you back in two hours. MIKE: Ha. Ha ha Korben hangs up. The President looks stunned. 258 EXT. SPACE The ZFX200 shifts to the speed of light and vanishes in the star-studded cosmos. TOM: And at the speed of light it'll take HOW long to get to Earth. MIKE: Try not to think of it. 259 INT. CHAPEL David is asleep. He is woken by the sound of... MIKE: His Joan of Arc Collectible Alarm Clock 260 EXT. DESERT - DAWN The ZFX200 is parked in the middle of the desert. Korben walks ahead carrying Leeloo. Cornelius has the four Stones with him. Barely awake, Loc Rhod stumbles along. David appears at the door of the chapel. TOM: *DAVID* Hi! Where'd you get the fruity DJ? DAVID You're all safe. Thanks be to God! MIKE: *GOD* No, it was just Zorg being unable to count. Honestly I have NO idea why I let you people live CORNELIUS Later, David! Later! There's not a minute to lose! The small group enters the chapel. ALL *HUMMING WEDDING MARCH* 261 INT. CHAPEL Cornelius pushes the group onto the altar which is surrounded by a wooden barrier. Cornelius stands in front of the cross. KORBEN Excuse me, Father, but... could we pray later? Cornelius bends the cross and pushes it down. A mechanism is set off lowering the altar like a service elevator. The altar descends amid rocky walls. 262 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE MUNRO They just landed in the desert. PRESIDENT (sweating) How much time is left? 263 EXT. SPACE Earth is in view. The Dark Planet fills the screen and heads for the blue planet. TOM: You're allowed to call it Earth. You know that, right? MIKE: Maybe Earth didn't want it's real name used 264 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST About nine minutes. President Lindberg has trouble breathing. 265 INT. TEMPLE Lit by torches, CROW: Snickers really satisfies Korben sets Leeloo delicately on the altar in the exact center of the four elements. Cornelius looks over the four Stones every which way. MIKE: But loose TOM: Lethally obscure, Mike CORNELIUS (panic-stricken) Uh, this one... must be water! It's obvious he doesn't know where to put it. CROW: *starts to open his mouth* Nah, I'm feeling mellow today KORBEN Don't tell me you don't know how all this works? MIKE: I hope they don't have to call tech support CORNELIUS Theoretically, yes! The four Stones form the beam and the Fifth Element is supposed to stand in the middle there, but...I don't have the reference book. I've never seen the Stones work! CROW: He should have taken that 'Ancient Weapons Against Evil' course in seminary, but noooo . . . Korben can't believe his ears. He tears the Stone out of Cornelius' hand and studies the inscriptions. He goes over to one of the four bases the stones rest on and tries to figure it out. The symbol of air is on the Stone, the same as on the base. TOM: He doesn't know what a bee is but he can read ancient inscriptions. Right KORBEN Match the symbols! MIKE: Roll the dice! TOM: Red foot blue! CROW: You sunk my battleship! Korben places the first Stone and picks up another one. Cornelius has found the symbol for water. Loc Rhod sits down. He is very tired. LOC RHOD What is this some kinda game? Like chess? MIKE: *laughing* Chess? Geez, if he thinks this is like chess, he's obviously never played in his life. Korben pulls him to his feet and sticks a Stone in his hands. KORBEN No. It's much simpler. If we don't figure out where these Stones go in five minutes, we're all dead! Think you got it? Loc Rhod's got it and runs over to put in his Stone. The four Stones are all in place but nothing happens. KORBEN There's no light! You told me there were supposed to be four beams of light. TOM: Don't make me rough you up, padre CORNELIUS (lost) Yes, of course, but... The Stones are shut! They have to be open for it to work. TOM: Cornelius? Stones are NOT known to have hinges, buddy. KORBEN And you don't know how they open, is that what you are saying? CORNELIUS That's what I'm saying. MIKE: Picked a great time to tell 'em TOM: Couldn't he have briefed them on that during their journey to the temple? CROW: You're asking for continuity, Tom. 266 EXT. SPACE The Dark Planet closes in on Earth rapidly. 267 INT. CHAPEL Korben leans over Leeloo. MIKE: His breath slowly melting her mascara. KORBEN Leeloo? The Stones! We have to open them! How does it work? LEELOO (feeble) The wind blows... the fire burns... MIKE: The movie blows. TOM: Loc Rhod burns. KORBEN I know all that, Leeloo! I'm talking about the Stones. LEELOO ...The rain falls... CROW: *LEELOO* The quality of our dialogue falls. Korben is desperate. Leeloo's too weak, he won't get anything more out of her. He darts over to a Stone and turns it over and over. KORBEN The rain falls... the wind blows? MIKE: There is a season, turn turn turn Loc Rhod stands in front of his Stone looking at Korben. KORBEN Try and figure out how this fucking Thing opens, instead of staring at me like that! Loc Rhod starts feeling the Stone all around. TOM: Enjoying it WAY too much LOC RHOD (afraid) I'm looking, I'm looking. 268 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The tension is palpable in the President's office. MIKE: A shame we can't feel it SCIENTIST ...Three minutes. MUNRO We've lost contact with them. MIKE: What, did you forget to put new batteries in your phone too? 269 INT. CHAPEL Korben and Cornelius turn the Stones every which way. All to no avai1. Loc Rhod is discouraged. LOC RHOD ...we'll never make it. He sighs. Three hooks pop off the Stone. Loc Rhod can't believe his eyes. TOM: So it's like a bra. MIKE: That WOULD explain how Loc got it to open. LOC RHOD It... it moved! Korben! Korben! Korben rushes over, looks at the Stone. Hooks are undone. KORBEN What did you say? What did you do? LOC RHOD Nothing! Swear to God, I didn't do nothing! MIKE: *GOD* Oh, yes he did, don't lie Loc, it's not nice! KORBEN Look, you did something that set it off. Try to remember. Concentrate. Tell me exactly what you did!! Loc Rhod tries to duplicate the same movement. LOC RHOD I was like this... With my hands here and... I said, "We'll never make it!" That's all! Nothing happens. KORBEN Is that all? LOC RHOD Yeah... then I sighed... like this. Loc Rhod sighs, really depressed this time. The Stone opens even more. Korben's got it. TOM: Depression opens the stones! Quickly, Alanis Morrisette music for all! KORBEN The wind! The wind blows... ALL: *singing* Listen to the wind blow... Korben blows on the Stone which immediately opens revealing a patch of blue sky with some miniature clouds floating around inside. A yellow beam pops up like a ray of sunlight, like Korben's smile. ALL *LAUGHTER* TOM: Yeah, a tarnished, nicotine-yellow ray of sunlight. KORBEN Quickly, everyone on a Stone! Water for water! Fire for fire! Earth for earth! TOM: Eye for Eye, Tooth for Tooth! The two men move fast. Korben on the 4th Stone: Earth. He grabs a fistful of earth and throws it on the Stone. A miniature patch of green appears and immediately forms a green beam. Cornelius wipes his forehead with a scarf and wrings it out over the Stone. It opens revealing a patch of miniature raging sea. A blue beam appears. Loc Rhod has a problem. TOM: Oh, you're just now pointing that out? LOC RHOD (shaking) I don't have a light. I stopped smoking last week! If we'd come a bit sooner... MIKE: I'm surprised just being near it doesn't count as fire. TOM: I'm more worried about what he used to smoke. Korben pats his pockets, he comes up with a box of matches. There's only one left. TOM: Great, first the bomb than this, two cliffhanger endings in one movie? CROW: Do they count as cliffhangers if we didn't care. TOM: I...good question. Mike, you're the one getting philosophical over all this... MIKE: It looks like it's almost over Tom, so let's not get into a debate. TOM: Party-pooper. KORBEN Don't breathe. MIKE: *KORBEN* and if possible, stop your heartbeats Loc Rhod and Cornelius hold their breath. Korben strikes the match. A small flame appears on the tip. A breeze goes through the room. Korben feels like he's got TNT in his hands. He approaches the flame to the Stone. The flame twists, dims, flickers ...but holds on. The Stone opens. A patch of miniature fire appears. Korben sighs, snuffs out the match. The fourth beam, a red one,immediately forms. 270 EXT. SPACE TOM: Exterior of space? What are we, in another universe? A mass of fire fills the screen. The Earth is only a thousand miles away. 271 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE SCIENTIST Two more minutes. The President shuts his eyes. His lids move in prayer. MIKE:... and deliver me from this script, as you have delivered others before me... 272 INT. CHAPEL Korben helps Leeloo onto her feet where the four beams and four colors crisscross. KORBEN It's up to you now, Angel! LEELOO I'm so tired... TOM: We hear you, Leeloo, we hear you. KORBEN You can sleep tomorrow... come on... MIKE: Just save the world, the film will be over, okay honey? LEELOO I want to sleep... forever... KORBEN Leeloo! Listen to me! I'll take you on a vacation afterwards! A real vacation, this time, for as long as you want. Come on! You can do it! TOM: And we won't have Loc there, promise. CROW: *LOC RHOD* Not taking me, the DJ with the way-hey, why... MIKE: That's it *Hits CROW, CROW flies out of his seat* Korben slowly releases Leeloo and steps back from the altar. Leeloo can barely stand in the center of the four beams. An indistinct white beam begins to form around her, starts to rise.] TOM: Great the Universal Light needs Viagra. MIKE: So it's like Bob Dole? TOM: *SHUDDERING* Oh, I forgot about that. MIKE: I'll NEVER forget that. *CROW is slowly coming to* CORNELIUS Come on Leeloo! Come on! The beam loses its intensity. Leeloo crumples to the floor. CROW: *returning to his seat* You didn't have to get that violent, Nelson. MIKE: Yes I did. TOM: I agree 273 EXT. SPACE The Dark Planet hurtles toward Earth. A hundred miles before impact. The African continent is visible. No doubt about it: The fireball is heading right for Egypt. 274 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE Seconds tick away relentlessly on the scientist's stopwatch. TOM: *SCIENTIST* Stop it, seconds! I give up! SCIENTIST It'll be entering the atmosphere in one minute. 275 INT. CHAPEL The heat in the temple is unbearable. All the walls start to ooze the same horrible black slimy liquid seen at Zorg's. A drop of liquid falls to the temple floor and begins to smoke, eating away at it like acid. Loc Rhod has to dodge another drop of the stuff. Korben quickly straightens Leeloo up and puts her back in the center of the beams. KORBEN Leeloo! If you don't get on with the program we're all gonna die! And that's not on my agenda for today. MIKE: Now THAT'S anal-retentive. Leeloo wraps her arms around Korben's neck. LEELOO (weak) What's the use of saving lives... when you see what you do with them! TOM: The Supreme Being DOES have a point... KORBEN You're right but there are lots of good things... beautiful things... MIKE: Like pork rinds, discount beer . . . LEELOO ...Like love... KORBEN Exactly. LEELOO But I don't know love... I'm like a machine programmed to save other people's lives but never to have one of my my own. TOM: Oh, like Richie from "Highlander" 276 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The Scientist's stopwatch goes from 30 to 29 seconds. TOM: In 60 miles-per-hour. 277 INT. CHAPEL LEELOO I have thousands of memories but none of them are mine... There is no need for me other than this. I'm immortal but I have no life. TOM: Again, like Richie from 'Highlander' KORBEN Yes, you do! I need you. More than you can imagine! Stand up straight! CROW: Suddenly he's the Posture Cop! LEELOO Why?... Why would you need me? KORBEN Because... CORNELIUS (to himself) Tell her, for God's sake! A bit of the black acid falls on Loc Rhod's shirt setting it on fire. He rips if off. CROW: Yeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! TOM: Whoa CROW: OK. I am NOT doing any more Loc Rhod imitations. Yuck! CUT TO: 278 INT. CHAPEL KORBEN Because... Leeloo has tears in her eyes. The heat is overpowering. Black acid is everywhere. MIKE: Better than Brown Acid LEELOO Tell me... KORBEN I love you... Despite her fatigue, Leeloo smiles broadly. TOM: *LEELOO* I'm loved by a lifeless, wife-losing, cab-driving, mumbling, ex-military loser?? That's it, Earth is toast! CUT TO: 278b INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE The stopwatch goes from 3 to 2. 279 INT. CHAPEL LEELOO Now you're allowed to kiss me. TOM: Guys, hurry it up! - Korben wraps his arms around her and kisses her like he's never kissed anybody before. CROW: And coincidentally, he hasn't - The white beam, the Divine Light,immediately forms around Leeloo and Korben. MIKE: Nah, that's just the Divine Vomit - The stopwatch hits zero. - The Absolute Beam explodes from the top of the pyramid and heads straight into the sky zapping the fireball smack in the middle, slowing it down. MIKE: Absolut Beam - Korben and Leeloo kiss like there was no tomorrow. CROW: And having seen that, I wish there wasn't - The beam hardens and slowly solidifies the Evil Planet. Inaudible screeches escape from the dying planet. Screeches of terrifying pain as if a million souls were dying. MIKE: *Obi Wan* I sense a great disturbance in the Force, as if a million voices... - Streams of black acid spurt from the pyramid and solidify like brilliant stalactites. 280 EXT. SPACE The pure beam, the Light of Life, has finished its work. The Dark Planet nothing more than a dead planet. Strangely enough, it looks like the moon. Everything is calm around it. TOM: I.E., dead as a doornail. 281 INT. PRESIDENT'S OFFICE President Lindberg opens his eyes and realizes he's not dead- MIKE: *PRESIDENT* I've been alive before and this is exactly what it felt like! SCIENTIST The planet seems to have stopped at... 62 miles from impact. TOM: Which means that it's orbit will decay in the future and kill us, but hey! 282 INT. CHAPEL In the temple, the beam loses its intensity. But Leeloo and Korben remain stuck together, lost in their kiss. Cornelius has dropped to his knees, clutching his hands. CROW: Control yourself hands, later, later... Loc Rhod slips along the wall with a sigh. He gives Cornelius a knowing smile. CROW: Straights are so cute, aren't they? LOC RHOD This guy is a killer with the babes. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him. TOM: I need a shower Cornelius and Loc Rhod burst out laughing. Korben and Leeloo keep on kissing. TOM: Yep, love is funny. 283 INT. LABORATORY We are in the Nucleological Laboratory that gave birth to Leeloo in the beginning of our story. The President enters the lab followed by a group of officials in ceremonial dress. TOM: *PRESIDENT* Stop following me! Damn Aztecs... MIKE: *Vadinho* Your father was a great Puma-Man... MUNRO Mr. President, let me introduce you to Professor Mactilburgh, who runs the center. MIKE: *MACTILBURGH* Have you seen Jarod? MACTILBURGH It's an honor to receive you. Mr. President. PRESIDENT (beaming) Yes.. Well? Where are our two heroes? MACTILBURGH They were so tired from their ordeal that we put them in the reactor this morning.. CROW: We figured a little radiation poisoning would fix them right up. PRESIDENT I have 19 more meetings after this one Professor.. MIKE: It's the Dilbert Future! PROFESSOR Of course.. Let me see if they're revived. AIDE We go live in one minute, Mr. President. TOM: We booked Loc Rhod for the opening number, hope you don't mind, sorry about what he did with AND to your daughter...and your wife, and... Mactilburgh goes to the reactor and opens a small slot which allows him to see what is going on under the blue shield. Leeloo and Korben are naked, arms wrapped around each other, kissing and probably engaged in hoppi hoppa. ALL: Yeaarrghhhhh! MIKE: *standing* Ok, that's it! I quit. When the author starts using his own cutsey language to describe scenes, I'm out of here. TOM: Mike, we can't let you go. MIKE: I know, there's no oxygen. It's just... CROW: We know, come on, sit down. We'll talk about it over ice-cream later. MIKE: Promise? TOM: Yes honey, now read the rest of the terrible script. Mactilburgh looks troubled. MIKE: If you saw Reginald P. Bodyfunk making it, wouldn't you? MACTILBURGH I.. uh.. they need five more minutes, Mr. President. MIKE: I don't trust a geeky scientist to judge how long lovemaking takes. The President, pressed for time, looks over to his aide who in struggling with a phone call. TOM: Phone...too powerful... aghhhh! AIDE No ma'am... I tried... No ma'am... PRESIDENT Who is it? AIDE Some woman... claims she's Korben's mother... TOM: Wait, no, that Korben is a Mother. CROW: *Einstein the Motorcycle* Bad mothers! Bad mothers! PRESIDENT Give it here... The President takes the phone and goes to the window. TOM: *distorted voice* Do you like scary movies? PRESIDENT Mrs. Dallas, this in the President. On behalf of the entire Federation, I would like to thank... MIKE:... myself for brilliantly deceiving the public on the crisis. CROW: Kinda 'Shallow Impact', wasn't it? TOM: Very shallow, Crow, very shallow. MOTHER (V.O.) Don't pull that crap with me, Finger... I'd recognize that trash can voice of yours in a dark alley during a rain storm. You tell that worthless no account son of mine he should plotz for the way he's ignored his mother... when I think of all I sacrificed for him... MIKE: You know, on reflection, it's a shame they banned Prozac in the future. TOM: If it was legal, we wouldn't have had half our main characters... MIKE: That's what I meant 284 EXT. NEW YORK Outside the lab we see the President through the window, holding the phone away from his ear. PAN slowly across Manhattan. Credits Roll as TWO full rising silver moons ascend in the dark blue sky. TOM: As the tides of earth, radically changed, decimate civilization THE END CROW: Ow Ow and Ow *MIKE and the BOTS get up and leave* TOM: Three Ows CROW: One for each of us, Servo *They disappear from the theater* 6....5....4....3....2....1....()==() MIKE: Well....that was umm....What was that? CROW: Typical Sci-Fi escapist fare? TOM: A horrible Bruce Willis vehicle? CROW: A good Heinlein Novel bastardized by Hollywood? TOM: Crow, that was Starship Troopers CROW: Ohhhhhhh yeah MIKE: We'll discuss later over tea. Let's see what's up in the Castle that Time Forgot *IN THE CASTLE, BOBO, OBSERVER AND PEARL ARE GATHERED, BOBO AND OBSERVER STILL WEAR THEIR MAID OUTFITS, THE THREE ARE HUDDLED. SHERWOOD IS GOING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT CARRYING VARIOUS STUFF AND MUTTERING TO HIMSELF* SHERWOOD: Let's see, we could put the Banzai tree over by the window so it can get the proper lighty-poo....then the lava lamp on the mantle here... replace the painting over the fireplace with those cute doggies playing poker.... *PEARL, BOBO AND OBSERVER ARE WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER IN THE HUDDLE* PEARL: Okay, that's the plan, right? BOBO: I don't know, I really like Banzai... OBSERVER and PEARL: Bobo.... BOBO: Sorry, okay... OBSERVER: Right... PEARL: Oh, Sherwood!.... *SHERWOOD COMES IN FROM THE RIGHT CARRYING A PAUL ANKA ALBUM* SHERWOOD: Yes Mommy Dearest? PEARL: Brain Guy? Now OBSERVER: Of course. *OBSERVER CONCENTRATES. A GIGANTIC ANVIL FALLS OUT OF NOWHERE AND CRUSHES SHERWOOD.* *SOL. CROW has his Bill Corbett voice back* CROW: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED SHERWOOD! MIKE: YOU...umm...thanks *CASTLE FORRESTER* OBSERVER: Welcome, guys. Is that better, Pearl? PEARL: Much better. Thank you Observer. OBSERVER: Glad to oblige. How DID you put up with him. PEARL: *OFFHANDEDLY* Oh, medication now declared illegal. *TO THE SOL CREW* OK, lugnuts, you survived that one - but if you think I'm going to forget how you talked Evil out of coming here and aiding me, you have another thing coming. Until next time... *PEARL PUSHES THE BUTTON, BUT FADEOUT DOESN'T QUITE HAPPEN YET... THE VIEW PANS DOWN TO THE BOWELS OF CASTLE FORRESTER. THERE IS A DIMLY LIT ROOM WITH A HUGE OBJECT IN THE CENTER.* *THE VIEW CLOSES IN ON THE OBJECT. WE CAN SEE IT'S A GIGANTIC, PULSING EGG. SUDDENLY, A SLIME-COVERED HUMANOID ARM ATTACHED TO A FAMILIAR ELECTRIC BLUE LAB COAT BURSTS OUT. A HEAD BEGINS TO EMERGE, DISPLAYING THE SPIKY RED HAIR OF THE FORRESTER FAMILY MEN...* *FADEOUT* Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred Big thanks to my Co-Author Steven Savage and my WBS chat buddies Mithrom, Kai and JBalt for their contributions and without whose help I could have never gotten this done. And special kudos out to Anne Felter and Laura Hamilton (also WBS chat buddies of mine) for their contributions. And also thanks to: All the people that supported this MiSTing, Web Site Number Nine, the writers of the First Amendment, and all MiSTies coast to coast. Like this MiSTing? Hated it? Then let me know at kramsey20@hotmail.com keep sending in the scripts KORBEN Anyone else want to negotiate?