Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: "Galaxy Quest" with short "Animation Series 'Rugrats' Turns 10" By Varakorn Ungvichian (rover_wow@yahoo.com) and Ben Greenwood (servo84@hotmail.com) I originally started this as just a "Galaxy Quest" MSTing, but, seeing this article on Rugrats, I couldn't resist the opportunity to riff it, so here. And by the way Rugrats is (C) 1991 Klasky-Csupo, the article is (C) 2001 Associated Press, Galaxy Quest is (C) 1999 Dreamworks and MST3K is (C) 1989 Best Brains. Everything else is (C) whoever owns them. (Theme song, door sequence, all that stuff that opens an MST3K ep) Mike: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Right now, I'm just waiting for Tom and Crow to show up. I wonder what on earth is taking them so long... At least it definitely isn't "Hey Arnold!" reruns. (suddenly notices a crude picket fence... don't ask where it came from) Hey, where the heck did that come from?! (Tom partially pops up over fence, for reasons that will become obvious later) Tom: Hidey ho, Mike!... Mike: (to himself) Oh brother... (to Tom) Tom, you are not fooling anyone around here... that is such a lame Wilson impression!... Hey, you know where Crow is? (Crow pops up) Crow: Hidey ho, Mike! Mike: Now THIS is getting downright silly. (beat) We'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (Everyone's just finishing disassembling the fence) Tom: So, Home Improvement's been cancelled? So much for that skit... Crow: Yeah, like there's anything new under the sun for these guys... Mike: Says you... Two words: "Buzz Lightyear". Tom + Crow: Toy Story character. So?... Mike: Well, guess which Home Improvement star provides his voice. Crow: I dunno, Johnathan Taylor Thomas doesn't sound like a spaceman to me... Tom (to Crow): No, not JTT!... (to Mike) It's Tim Allen, right? Mike: Good ol' Tim it is. Crow: Tim Allen? I never would have guessed... especially with him paired up with double Oscar winner Tom Hanks of all people. Mike: Hey, stranger things have happened. Imagine the stars of 2 really lousy movies being in a super successful play on Broadway. (Referring to Nathan Lane of "Mousehunt" and Matthew Broderick of "Inspector Gadget" starring in the succesful musical The Producers.) Tom: Yeah, guess ANYTHING'S possible in Hollywood these days. (The usual alarms) Mike: Speaking of which, here's the execs of Dreamworks. (As usual, it's Forrester and Frank.) Forrester: Ah, Dreamworks. The guys who brought you "The Prince of Egypt"... and "The Peacemaker". God what a lame thriller that was. And on a lighter note, they also brought you "Paulie" and, my fellow worms... Crow: Worms?! Forrester: Right. Maggots. Tom: So it's anything that's an insult with you, huh? Forrester: Yep. Anyways, they brought you this "clever" (makes quotation marks with fingers) comedy called "Galaxy Quest". It makes fun of "Star Trek"... They oughta have known better than to tread the same path as "Mars Attacks". Anyways, it's taking such a long time to load, we're gonna send you a damaging news article first. Mike: Lemme guess, about the WTC disaster? Frank: The WTC disaster? Heck, no, no one cracks under stuff this somber! But we have the next best thing for you. (Game show host) Forrester, tell them what they're getting! Forrester (as game show announcer): Well, they're getting a news article on... THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY OF RUGRATS! (normal) Press the button Frank. Frank: Here you go, SUCKERS! Crow: I smell trouble.... Mike: Oh, like that's gonna put a tingle down in our spines! (Movie sign, traditional panic, door sequence, all enter the theater) (Before we go onwards... let me just say to you that Maltin said that "Galaxy Quest" was clever. Which is why I have Forrester say that with quotation marks, a la Dr. Evil.) Mike: C'mon, guys, it's just a news article! Crow: It's about the Rugrats... (beat) Mike: Point taken. >Animation Series 'Rugrats' Turns 10 >By JOHN ROGERS, Associated Press Writer > >LOS ANGELES (AP) - Ten years ago, a baldheaded, bug-eyed baby Crow: Ah, one of those baby mutants. Tom (Exeter): They're similar to some of your insect species. Larger of course. (Exeter is a character in "This Island Earth", subject of the MST3K movie, my only personal experience with MST3K.) >wearing an >ill-fitting diaper squirted milk onto a TV screen - Tom: And got electrocuted. >and a new American hero was >born. Mike: (Reporter) These 2 things were completely unrelated however. > >It was our first introduction to Tommy Pickles, fearless 1-year-old leader of >the Emmy-winning animated TV show ``Rugrats.'' Mike: "Emmy-winning"? The committee must've been on crack when they won... Crow: Hell, they probably already were when they were nominated. > >There's no villain he can't conquer. Tom: Except maybe a certain Dr. Frank... > >From sandbox bullies to militaristic day-care providers, Tommy Pickles has >humbly vanquished them all, often with the simple credo: Crow (Tommy, a la Cartman): Screw you guys, I'm going home! >``A baby's gotta do >what a baby's gotta do.'' Tom (Tommy): And that would involve the potty. > >``He's a hero and he's also a gentleman. That's what I like about him, he's a >gentle guy,'' Mike: He's pretty fly... Tom + Crow: For a white guy. >says E.G. Daily, the actress who has provided Tommy's voice from >the beginning. Mike: That's odd, I remember her as the chick who hung out with Pee-Wee Herman... (Reference to the fact that Pee-Wee played with Daily in one of his films, "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure". Interestingly, the week Rugrats premiered, he was arrested in a well-publicised incident.) > >``Rugrats'' routinely lands among the 15 most popular cable programs in the >Nielsen TV ratings several times each week. All: Whoa! Mike: Top 15?! Wouldn't that mean like 2-3 million viewers?... Crow: Not surprisingly, that's probably the amount of pedophiles in the US these days. Mike: If it ranked among the top 15 after including broadcast TV, now THAT would be a shocker. Tom: Yeah, who wants to BEAT a millionaire? (Ref to a certain game show that usually ranks in the top ten after including broadcast TV) >The 30-minute show airs at >different times throughout the week on the Nickelodeon cable network. Tom: Nothing more effective in annoying the populace. Crow: As well as keeping those pedophiles off the streets... > >Now Tommy and company, including Chuckie, Angelica, and twins Lil and Phil, >star in ``All Growed Up,'' a special one-hour anniversary show debuting >Saturday, July 21, on Nickelodeon (8 p.m. EDT). Tom: ONE HOUR? We can hardly sit through 11 MINUTES of Rugrats... Crow: Anything to keep those pedophiles off the street LONGER... > >The gang goes 10 years into the future, aging along the way until their return. >Tommy's mechanical genius pulls it off. In this case, he fashions a time tunnel >out of a hallway closet and a karaoke machine. Crow: Borrowed from Gwyneth Paltrow, maybe? (Star of film about karaoke, "Duets"... features Huey Lewis as well.) > >Such a feat is implausible, of course, except in the fantasy world of >animation. But then pulling off the implausible has become routine on >``Rugrats,'' Mike: So has annoyance. Coincidence? >which was created by a trio of unknown animators, Tom (Reporter) ... who were using undisclosed substances... >Arlene Klasky, >Gabor Csupo and Paul Germain. > >Csupo had fled communist-ruled Hungary 15 years before, Mike: (Reporter) ... running to what he thought was intelectual freedom in the USSR. When they learned of his work on animated shows, he was quickly deported to the US of A. >taking only his prized >collection of records by avant-garde rock-music composer Frank Zappa. Crow: Note that he did an album called "Hot *Rats*". Is that coincidence or what? (I originally did a riff on how there was an urban legend he was the son of kids' TV presenter Mr. Greenjeans, but it didn't look funny, so I decided to go with this one. The rumor stems from a song titled "Son of Mr. Greenjeans" which was on the album, yes, called "Hot Rats".) > >They hired another avant-garde rock-music composer, Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo, >to score it. Mike: (as Mark M.) Eh, I'd give it a 0.1. > >``Out of the gate (Crow makes a horse track bell noise) >it seemed like it had the look of something special. Crow: Just like some children are "special". >But who >knew?'' Tom: Hey, who's the pessimist around here?! >says Nickelodeon President Herb Scannell. Tom: Oh. > >He now proudly compares ``Rugrats'' to ``Seinfeld,'' both for its offbeat humor >and the undying devotion of its audience. Mike: Well, "Road Rovers" had those and look what happened to THAT! (Yes, I'm still burned that the show got canned even though, like Rugrats, it had offbeat humor and a devoted audience. And decent ratings to boot...) Crow: (Reporter) He also compares 'The Texas Chain-Saw Massacre' to 'The Lion King' both for their family viewing value, as well as their promotion of popular social values. > >But talk to those involved with the show when it was getting started, and >they'll tell you they never dreamed it would be a huge hit; never even >realized, in fact, that it had become one until reminders began popping up >everywhere. > >``Suddenly when we were on the cover of Kraft macaroni and cheese,'' Daily >laughs. ``And Jell-O. And cereal.'' > >Two feature films, 1998's ``The Rugrats Movie'' and last year's ``Rugrats in >Paris - the Movie,'' became box-office hits. Crow: Hey, anything to keep them pedophiles off the streets. Mike: Enough with pedophiles already! > >Yet after three Emmys, Mike: For Outstanding Potty Scene. >a CableACE award and a handful of Nickelodeon Kids' >Choice awards, the ``Rugrats'' folks still seem awed by it all. > >``You know, between the two of us, we've done maybe 25 or 30 television >shows,'' Mothersbaugh says of himself and his brother, Bob, who also works on >the show. ``Usually it's the ones that you like that die the quickest deaths, Crow: As if we don't know. >so this was really a pleasant surprise.'' > >Csupo and Klasky say they weren't out to create a hit. > >``We just wanted to do a show, first of all, for ourselves. One that we >wouldn't mind having to watch if we didn't produce it,'' Csupo says. Mike: (Csupo) We sure failed at that, but at least the kids watch it. > >As a result, they never wrote down to their audience, Klasky says, but at the >same time, they never took the show out of a child's world either. Tom: (Reporter) They also made it far-out and off-the-wall, all the while 'Keeping it real' and 'down to Earth'. Mike (ditto): And speaking of Down to Earth, I didn't like it. Nyaa! > >So swimming pools are mistaken for giant potties, karaoke machines become >tapioca machines, people with names like Mr. Yamagouchi become Mr. Yamasushi, >and grumpy folks wake up on ``the wrong side of the bread.'' Tom: Nope, they don't dumb it down for the kids one bit! > >Not that all of the humor is designed strictly for children. Crow: It's designed for... Mike: What did I say about pedophiles?... > >In ``Rugrats in Paris,'' for example, a chance viewing of ``The Godfather'' >movie results in mischievous Angelica briefly becoming ``The Bobfather'' and >the twins mysteriously ending up with a hobbyhorse's head in their crib. Crow: As well as the girl trying to stuff Tommy into a fishbowl. Tom (Angelica): You're sleeping with the fishies today, Tommy! > >And, in a poignant Mother's Day episode, one that has become a favorite with >adults, Crow: We see the parents bump and grind. (Mike spit takes) >fraidy-cat Chuckie learns that the beautiful woman who protects him in >his dreams is Mike: Marilyn Manson! >really the mommy he always longed for, the one he learns died >shortly after he was born but still looks out for him from heaven. Crow: That does bring a tear to the eye... as cheesy that might be. Tom: Cue song from Eric Clapton here. (They've never said what she died of... the ep doesn't even SAY she died. It's Nick's policy.) > >``It really is a kids' show that I know a lot of grown-ups like,'' Mike (Daily) Particularly when they are high. >Daily says >of the program's enduring appeal. ``I have a girlfriend who ... doesn't let her >kids watch any TV except for `Rugrats' because she thinks it's a decent show. >It is. And it's sweet and it's funny, too. It's the one show that parents can >sit back and watch with their kids and get a laugh out of it, too. > >``How great is that?'' Mike: (makes OK sign) It stinks! > >Meanwhile, Daily's 21/2-year-old daughter has taken to calling her Mommy >Pickles. Tom: (Daily) That's starting to get really annoying... Crow: And kinda disturbing too. C'mon, if you were 2 1/2 years old, you'd probably take your 'toons as real!... > >``You're a parent and you can sit back and watch a show with your kids and not >be bored out of your mind.'' > Tom: At least we won't be bored out of OUR minds... Crow: We still got a long way to go today... Mike: Yeah, we still got our main feature. (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Crow: At least it wasn't THAT troubling... Tom: Guys, did it ever occur to you they might be just softening us up for the kill? Mike: Yeah... So? We're prepared to take on the damage. Crow: Oh, it's easy for YOU to say... Mike: C'mon, you've survived a decade of lousy sci-fi, I've survived 7 years on these turds they give us. You don't see me about to crack, do you? Tom: Um, no. But it happens (makes snap noise) just like that! (a la "Airplane 2") Mike: Hey, those only happen in moments of serious sudden trauma. Such as, diasters, plane crashes, Emmy cancellations, well, you get the riff. (beat) Tom: Good point. Sci-fi turds are NOT as disastrous as the WTC. Besides, WE'RE not about to crack either. Crow: Hey, bots don't crack, they go kaput. Tom: Big deal, they can be fixed. Mike: Now that we've got that settled... we'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (All re-enter the theater) Mike: Well, here's our main feature... I guess the guys must have finished loading it. Crow: Let's get ready to RUMBLE! >GALAXY QUEST Tom: Any relation to Jonny? >BY >David Howard >Robert Gordon >Film Transcript >THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF DREAMWORKS PICTURES AND IS INTENDED AND >RESTRICTED SOLELY FOR DREAMWORKS PERSONNEL. DISTRIBUTION OR DISCLOSURE OF THIS >MATERIAL TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONS IS PROHIBITED. THE SALE, COPYING OR REPROUCTION >OF THIS MATERIAL IN ANY FORM IS ALSO PROHIBITED Mike: Then why are they presenting this to us? Tom: Oh, like you've never got MP3's from Napster! (Notorious for infringing copyrights) Mike: You listened to my music?! Why you... Tom: Hey, chill, chill, Mike... >1 EXT. OUTER SPACE >The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a flash and a >SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters NSEA PROTECTOR. Tom: Suddenly, it's chased by the Enterprise for ripping them off. >Magnificent, though on closer inspection it shudders ever so slightly, denoting >pre-CGI model work on a budget. We're watching a TV show. Mike: Either that, or a very lousy movie. Crow: Oh come on, what kind of show would use cheap model space-ships? >LAREDO (V.0.) >We're exiting the time knot now sir! >2. INT. NSEA PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK - SPACE >5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large circa - >1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for DR. LAZARUS, a purple >reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is a 9 year old boy. Mike: Now what is a kid doing on a space vessel, HMM? Crow: Just be glad it ain't a girl named Marissa, OK? (beat) Tom: At least, please tell me that character wasn't Marissa-inspired. >The crewmates exchange >relieved smiles. >CHEN >We're alive. Mike (Random person) I'm not! >LAREDO >We made it, Commander. We made it! Tom (Laredo): High fives, everybody! >LAZARUS (THE ALIEN) >By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale. Mike (singing): Of how his Midi Chlorians were off the scale. (line from a Weird Al song about Star Wars) >COMPUTER (0.S.) >Systems register functional. >TAWNY >All systems are working, Commander. >They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal himself >dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic Charlton Heston >take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the command deck, worried, almost >sniffing the air. Tom (Commander): Damn dirty apes! (Heston's classic line in classic Planet of the Apes) >COMMANDER >I don't like it. Tom: Rock the Casbah! Rock the Casbah! >(beat) It was too easy... Mike (Commander): I saw this on Star Trek... I know what's gonna happen... It's a trap and we're gonna get hit like crazy. >LAREDO >Wait. Oh no. They're everywhere! >(Alarm Blaring) >His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS. Tom (Laredo): It's the attack of the dot coms!... AAAAA! Mike: (Laredo) Wait wait, I was just looking at my 'Space Invaders' game. Sorry about that guys. >LAREDO >They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere. >Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship. >TAWNY >A trap. Crow (Commander): Told you Tawny. Tom (Tawny): Wait, it gets worse... they're all lawyers. >LAZARUS >We're surrounded, Commander. >The actors flop around with the simulated explosions, but it is obvious the ship >is not moving. They leap about, but not in time with each other. Mike: Hey, where's Jamie Bell? (Think "Billy Elliot") >CHEN >It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped >Fred runs to a spot just in front of the camera and faces to stage left, posing. Crow (Fred): Hey, who moved the Teleprompter?! > >The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus. >LAZARUS >Surrender may be our only option. >COMMANDER >No! Never give up ... NEVER surrender.' Tom (Commander): Two words: Countersue 'em! >LAREDO >Your orders sir? ... Sir, your orders? Mike (Laredo): Green eggs and ham, Sir? >The Commander sits in close up; steely determination. Tom (Commander): Let the viewers see how much a stud I am. >Finally, a decision. Crow: (Commander) I'll have the Big Mac with fries and a large drink! >COMMANDER >Activate the Omega 13. Crow (Laredo): Is that a dumb name for something or what? Tom: Still, it's better that re-activating Deep 13... >FADE TO BLACK Tom (singing): No colors any more, I want them to turn black... (Rolling Stones ref by Ben) >Then suddenly - THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER, LEADER NUMBERS APPEAR, with a >STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice. Mike: Well, that was fast! (pretends to get up, but immediately sits down) >PULL BACK TO: >3 INT LARGE AUDITORIUM >ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS staring into >camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are sobbing. Then a BURST OF >THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE... We're at a SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic >crowd of FANS continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the stage. Crow: "Guy"? That's a generic name if I've ever seen one... >GUY >Well? ... Huh? ... Well, there ya are. Huh? Yeah! >The crowd cheers as the Galaxy Quest Convention #18 logo comes up. >GUY >Yeah! Yeah! ... That's what I'm talking about. Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the film that riffs itself. >(beat) You are the first people >to see the lost GALAXY QUEST episode 92 - two parter, since it was originally >aired in 1982! Huh? Yeah! All Right! >The audience applauds >GUY (CONTINUED) >And now, the moment you've all been waiting for ... Mike (a la Letterman): The weird guy who does one arm push-ups! >The intrepid crew of the >NSEA PROTECTOR! >4 BACKSTAGE >Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter egos... GWEN >DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. >LAZARUS) wearing green alien prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, doing a logic puzzle. Tom: (Fred Kwan, to self) "How to keep an idiot busy for hours: other side" ... "How to keep and idiot busy for hours: other side" ... > >We close on Alexander, sitting in front of a mirror, softly brushing his face >with a makeup brush. >FRED (OS) >... Red Scarf. Black Shoes. Wait. White scarf, black buttons, white shoes. Crow (director): Hey, Fred, the camera's rolling! >TOMMY (reading a paper) >Now where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a half! >GWEN (looks through curtain) >I mean, this is unreal! Mike (Gwen): Look at the weapons they got... (Crow makes sound effect from "Unreal") >They're going to start eating each other out there. Tom (as if slurping on someone): Yummy... >TOMMY >Oh, did you hear? He booked another appearance without us? >GWEN >You're kidding. >INT AUDITORIUM >GUY (given the stretch sign again) >Uh. Uh. Oh. >INT – DRESSING ROOM >Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes roaming over >his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features with a mournful expression. >ALEXANDER >Dear God.... How did I come to this? Crow (God): What can mesay?.. Methinks thou sucketh. But please, don't draggeth me into this... > >TOMMY >Not again... >ALEXANDER >I played Richard III... >FRED >Five curtain calls... >ALEXANDER >There were Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at me ... >LOOK AT ME! I cannot go out there, Mike: Line filmed during Alan Rickman's lunch break. (Alan Rickman plays Alexander here) Crow: Whoever did the casting for Harry Potter *definitely* wasn't looking here. (Rickman also played Snape in Harry Potter.) >and I won't say that stupid line one more >time. Tom (MC Hammer): Stop! "Hammer" Time! Crow (Alexander): AAAH! >I can't ... and I won't. Tom (Gwen): What, bad for your health? Mike: More like his *future career*... >GWEN >Well, Alex, at least you had a PART. Okay? You had a character people loved! I >mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit >into my suit. No one even bothered to ask me what I DO on the show. >FRED >You had the, Wait, wait I'll think of it... >GWEN (RESIGNEDLY) >I repeated the computer, Fred. Crow (Fred): Beats, uh, basically running around and gunning aliens with a little cat?... (Reference to Sigourney Weaver's most famous role: Officer Ripley from the 'Alien' movies... Weaver is Gwen here) >Suddenly the rear stage door opens and JASON NESMITH ("The Commander") strolls >in, all exuberance and charm. >JASON >Whew! Your Commander is on deck. Ha Ha. Wow, that smog is thick today, huh? Am I >too late for Alexander's panic attack? ... >(looks at Alexander, who throws down stuff with a clatter) >Apparently not. You know, you should get that looked at (referring to Alex's >head). Mike (Alexander): It's not polite to end a sentence with a preposition... Tom (Jason): Yeah, like you could police the English language. > CONVENTION STAGE > On the stage, Guy continues to stall... Crow: If he was in a drivers ed class, he'd be a total failure... > GUY (OS) > Let's take a look at a few more clips. Tom (Guy): Look at these outtakes... Mike: (makes kick noise) THWAP! Crow (Jason): Ow! Mike (Gwen): Sorry Jason! > BACKSTAGE – >The others surround JASON, fighting. >JASON >Okay, what did I do? Hmmm? >The audience is chanting in the background "We want the crew, we want the crew." >JASON >What? Crow (random cast member): Basically... you agreed to do the show. >6a CUT TO – INT THE AUDITORIUM >GUY (OS) >(Over a film clip showing the Commander defending Alex.) >For those four seasons, we developed the same affection for the crew as the crew >had for each other. >INT THE DRESSING ROOM >GUY (OS CONTINUING) >These weren't just adventurers exploring space. Friends – These were friends. Mike: Suddenly I have this weird mental image of Ross and Rachel... (Tom + Crow do "Friends" theme) Mike: And Monica and Chandler too. >GWEN >Unbelievable. >TOMMY >You are so full of it, man! >JASON >It's not a big deal. These guys put a little set in their basement. I'm there >about an hour. It's nothing, Gwen. >(approaching Gwen) >They wanted the Commander. Crow (Jason): ...to fix their little set. (referring to his most well-known role, Tim Taylor, "Home Improvement") >Suddenly bright light streams in. They all turn to see ALEXANDER skulking out >the exit. >TOMMY >There he goes – Crow (cheesy high pitch singing): There he goes again! (The Las had a song titled "There She Goes". Sung in cheesy high pitch.) >JASON >Alexander, wait a minute. Grab him! Grab him! >A beat, then they all run to catch Alexander, TACKLING HIM. Mike: (whistle noises) First down! > >ONSTAGE – >Chanting "We want the crew – we want the crew" >Guy gets a "thumbs up" cue from a stagehand. Mike: Film gets a thumbs down from many critics. >GUY >Okay! >The fans applaud and whistle. >GUY >Yeah! Here we go! >INT DRESSING ROOM >Jason is coaxing a coat-clad Alexander back into the room. >JASON >Come on, old friend, old friend. >ALEXANDER >You stole all my best lines? You cut me out of episode two entirely? Mike (Alex): Somehow, that's not what I had in mind when they said, "There's no business like show business". >GUY (OS) >Tawny Madison, my personal favorite. >GWEN (pushing past Jason and Alexander) >Excuse me! >GUY >Gwen DeMarco! >The crowd cheers as Gwen leaps out onto the stage and does a small dance, with a >high kick Crow (Gwen): OWWWW!!!! My pelvis! >to show she still has it. >CROWD >YEAH! >In the background is a film clip of Gwen, as Tawny Madison, repeating computer >commands. >GUY >Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Crow: Geez, you'd think they'd try to avoid repeating the same lines too often... >Let's hear a warm welcome ... for crack All (Audience): Yeah! Crack! Woohoo! >gunner, Laredo, Tommy Webber! Mike: A kid doing drugs -- MMM, I can easily imagine that... Crow: Yeah, but it wouldn't get past the execs... Mike: Well, not THEN... >CUT TO – DRESSING ROOM >Jason and Alexander are struggling. >JASON >You will ... go out there. >ALEXANDER >I won't. And nothing you can say will make me. >JASON >The show must go on. >ALEXANDER >Damn You! Damn You! Mike (Alex): Servo! >I won't say that stupid line one more time. Crow (Jason): Well, ever since you hit yourself repeatedly with a hammer, it suddenly lost its meaning... >GUY (OS) >Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Fred Kwan! >GUY (CONTINUED) (O.S.) >Tev'meck ... Alexander Dane >11 ON STAGE - >Alex bounds up on stage, bowing deep with grace and humility. The stage trained >British actor. >GUY >Yeah! All right! >ALEX AS LAZARUS ONSCREEN >"By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'" >Alex cringes, desperately unhappy Tom: Well that's gotta be a dumb line! >GUY >Yeah! All right! >CROWD VOICE >That guy can act. Tom + Crow (Bill and Ted): NOT! >GUY >And finally, my ... my fellow Questarians, the brave Commander of the NSEA >PROTECTOR... Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter Quincy Quincy Quincy Quincy Quincy >Taggart Taggart Taggart Taggart ... Tom (Guy): Jeez, what a long name... (In the original HTML file, the font size changes for an echo effect) >JASON NESMITH. >Jason appears and a SPOTLIGHT follows him. >Jason raises his fist encouraging the FANS to cry out ... Mike (Fan): NO! Not in the face, please! >A woman screams "We >love you, Commander". Tom: (Woman) Wait, not love, what's that word... oh! Loath, that's right! >JASON/JASON ON SCREEN/EVERYONE >"NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER... DAMN THE RESONANCE CANNONS, FULL SPEED >AHEAD.'" >The fans go crazy. The actors exchange glances. Crow: Heck, if I waited over an hour just to end up hearing that crap again, I'd riot too. >GUY >The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial decks "b" and >"c" near the coke machines. >Jason is upset because his microphone has been cut off. Tom (a fan): Ooh, Taggart's microphone! (snip) I'm gonna cherish it forever... >GUY (moving through the fans) >Excuse me, pardon me. Crew member coming through. Fans - right? Hey, Gwen, >TOMMY (TO GUY) >Oh, hey, man. I want to thank you for that nice intro you gave us today. –Um- >GUY >Guy. You probably don't remember me, do you? It's the sunglasses, right? I was >on the show in '82 – episode 81. Got killed by a lava monster before the first >commercial AAAAh! >Listen – uh – Maybe I could sit in and, oh, sign a couple of autographs? Tom (Tommy): Whatever, no-one's gonna recognize you anyway... >One of many fans dressed as "Dr. Lazarus" steps up to Alexander and salutes him >with crossed fists. >FAN >"By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you!" >Alexander ignores this, grabs the photo from his hand, signs it, thrusts it >back. The next fan steps up. >FAN >"By Grabthar's hammer, by the-" Mike (Fan): (BONK) OW! Why'd you hit me with a hammer...? >He signs and thrusts it back before he can even finish. Tom (Alexander): I don't even wanna HEAR my stupid line... >ALEXANDER >Next! >JASON AT A SEPARATE TABLE >Talking dramatically to a group of fans. A YOUNG BOY watches WIDE EYED. >JASON >Had I moved an inch to the left the beast would have killed me. Crow (young boy): So why didn't ya, PUNK?! >On the other >hand, Tom (Jason): ...had I moved an inch to the RIGHT, it'd have scuffed my hairpiece. >my crew was in danger... Mike (Jason): So I gave the beast a really boring speech. Next thing you know.... (snoring) (Reference to Shatner's boring speeches) >YOUNG BOY >How did you know what to do? Tom (Jason): Well, since I had skipped rehearsal, I just read the cue cards. Mike (Jason, as Commander): It's time we... give it to the fat guy?! HUH?! (ref to the best scene in the lousy comedy "The Stupids") >JASON >Come on! Without my crew, I'm not a Commander, huh. >He pokes the kid in the belly. Mike (Pillsbury Dough Boy) Woohoo! (In an ep of Food Network's Extreme Cuisine, it said that the Dough Boy is the most recognizable food character. Now back to the MSTing.) >JASON >I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok 7, right? >The fans make happy nerdy "we sure do" noises. (All ditto along, even though they've no friggin' clue what the hell they're talking about) >CASTMEMBERS TABLE >Gwen shakes her head appreciatively. >GWEN >You gotta admit, they really do love him. >TOMMY >Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself. >They watch as Jason fields another question from a fan. Crow: ... and throws it to home plate. Mike (baseball umpire): You're OUT! >CLOSER ANGLE - JASON'S TABLE >Bored with the constant queries of his fans, Jason glances over to see Gwen >smiling at him. She quickly looks away, self-conscious. Jason doesn't even take >his eyes off Gwen as BRANDON steps forward, his brow knit with serious matters. >BRANDON >Excuse me, Commander, Hey! >Commander, I was wondering if you could help settle a dispute my crew and I seem >to be having. Tom (Brandon): If I try to fail, and I succeed, which have I done? >Um, if you remember, in "The Quasar Dilemma", >JASON >Excuse me for a minute, fellas. >Jason exits. Brandon turns to his friends, frustrated. >BRANDON >I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum... Crow: Thank you, Mr. Exposition! >THE CAST TABLE – >Gwen answers a question from a shy GIRL. >GIRL >Miss Demarco? ... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the feeling that you >and the Commander kind of had a thing. Did you? >GWEN >No. The Commander and I NEVER had a thing. >JASON (over her shoulder) >That's her story. Crow (Jason): She had a viral bee in her outfit... (ref to a scene in "X-Files: Fight the Future", you'll understand when you see it) >Gwen looks up to see Jason. The girl giggles and exits. Jason smiles at Gwen. >Rolling her eves Gwen rises and walks off. >JASON >Gwen, Gwen. Gwen. >Undaunted, Jason follows, but runs into the five ALIENS. Their leader MATHASAR >bows respectfully then follows along as Jason pursues Gwen. >MATHASAR >Commander, >JASON >Excuse me. >MATHASAR >I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme importance... We are Thermians >from the Klatu Nebula, and we need your help. Mike (Jason): Klatu? We never liked your albums... (There was once a band called Klaatu, spelled with 2 a's. Their main claim to fame: their debut album in 1976 was widely rumored to have been a new Beatles album.) >JASON >Oh, oh, oh. Is this about that gig tomorrow? Just hammer out the details with my >agent, and make sure there's a limo at my house. Last time I did one of these >gigs they shoved me in the back of a Toyota. Remember, mum's the word. >MATHASAR >I... certainly, but-um –mum – mum – mum - Mike: 20 seconds screen time and this Mathasar's already annoying. >Jason catches up to Gwen. >PHOTOGRAPHER >Look here and – Beautiful. >He takes a picture of all the fans, as Jason catches up to Gwen. >He spins her around dramatically. >JASON >Crewman Madison, The mist of this strange planet is filling my head with such >thoughts. Crow (Jason): Either that or the airplane glue... >He leans in for a tortured kiss... Some fans gather, delighted by the impromptu >show. But Gwen steps aside. >GWEN >It was cute when I didn't know you. Crow (Gwen): Suddenly I wish my outfit had a bee in it. (Reference to the X-Files movie where Scully suddenly collapsed after getting stung by a bee that had been in her outfit.) >She exits. Jason tries to pretend that doesn't hurt. >CONVENTION FLOOR >But Jason takes refuge in the- Tom: Men's room. >14 MEN'S ROOM Tom: Wow. >Jason enters to witness the incongruous sight of four MANK'NAR beasts at the >urinals taking a MANK'NAR piss. Mike: Do we really need to see this?! >Jason enters a stall and sits on the lid, trying >to get a moment to think. But two CYNICAL 20-SOMETHINGS enter, laughing their >assess off. He can hear their voices echo from the other side. >CYNICAL GUY 1 >What a FREAK SHOW, man. Oh, this is HILARIOUS. >CYNICAL GUY 2 >Bunch of losers! Beggin' for autographs at 15 bucks a pop. – These guys haven't >had a real acting job for 20 years. Tom (Cynical guy 1): Yea, now lets get back to the Burger King before our break's over. >This is all they've got. Did you check out >Nesmith? > >CYNICAL GUY 1 >He actually gets off on those retards thinking he's a space Commander! Yeah, Oh, >and his friends... >CYNICAL GUY 2 >I know, they can't stand him. Did you hear them ragging on him in there?!! >"Commander furry!..." >CYNICAL GUY 1 >Dude. He has no idea he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies. He's pathetic. (Crow does melody from "The Real Slim Shady") Tom: Cynical guys played by Eminem and Dr. Dre. > >CYNICAL GUY 2 >Ooh, come on. Come on. The Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on. Crow: Yup, time for their Mank'nar... (Mike ahems) Crow: ...er, dances. >CYNICAL GUY 1 >Whoo! Full speed ahead, Lieutenant. >They exit, their laughter ringing in Jason's ears. >15 CONVENTION FLOOR - JASON'S TABLE >Jason is back at his table signing autographs in a foul mood. Tom (Jason): *Bwack!*... Damn hypnotist... >He scribbles his >name irritably, avoiding contact with the fans as BRANDON and his group of >aficionados approach him. >BRANDON >Hey, Commander, uh. So, as I was saying, >... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used the auxiliary of deck b (to Kyle) could >you get this ... deck B for Gamma override. The thing is that online blueprints >indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were wondering >where the error lies? Mike: If I understood that, I could answer... but since I don't... (whistles) Tom + Crow: Ditto. (whistles too) >JASON >It's just a television show. Okay? That's all. >BRANDON >Heh heh – 'Cause we were wondering if the quantum flux, now just listen on this >JASON >There IS no quantum flux and there IS no auxiliary... There's no goddamn ship! Crow (Dennis Haysbert, Now and Again): There are no superheroes!... (Got this from a "signs you watch too much Now and Again" page. The show was about this guy whose brain was placed into a super-engineered body. Was critically acclaimed, still got canned after just one season.) >You got it? Tom (Fan): Oh come on, what kind of TV show wouldn't use a real space ship? >Jason notices that all eyes are turned on him. The hall has become deathly >quiet. Jason rises abruptly and exits through the hall. Brandon and the fans do >their best not to take this personally. (Mike makes guy getting punched noise) >15A INT. GWEN'S HOUSE >Gwen is cooking something intricate and delicious as she talks to Alex on the >phone. Her house is tasteful Crow (Gwen): Nothing a little wallpaper from some guy named Wonka wouldn't fix... (In "Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory", the title character briefly shows off lickable wallpaper) >and bright on a budget. >GWEN >I mean it. I Mean it, Alex. I've never seen him lose it like that. Not to a fan. >I mean it was just weird. >15B INT. ALEXANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT >Alexander is walking around the living room, talking on the phone, with his >headpiece still attached. >ALEXANDER >Gwen, I have said for years he's mentally unstable. >He stands and moves to the refrigerator. Nothing but a hunk of very rank cheese Mike: A metaphor for this entire film, perhaps... >which he sniffs disdainfully. >GWEN >(a beat, back to Jason...) >I – I'm worried. It just was not like him. >16 INT. JASON'S DEN - NIGHT >Jason sits on the edge of the couch, staring at the TV, sipping scotch, flipping >channels. Mike: Lemme guess, he stops at an ep of his show. >He stops at the conclusion of an episode of GALAXY QUEST. As Commander >Taggart makes a heroic speech. Jason mouths the words along with his alterego. Mike: Yup... >COMMANDER TAGGART (ON TV) >As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a >distress signal sounds among the stars ... We'll be there. Crow (Taggart): Coincidence? I don't think so. Tom (James Earl Jones): This is CNN. >This fine ship, and >this fine crew ... Never give up! Never surrender! >Jason takes another drink and we fade to >17 INT. JASON'S LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING >Jason sleeps, on the floor under the coffee table, hungover, dead to the world. Crow: Yay! He's dead! Mike: C'mon, like what film kills its protagonist THAT early?! (beat) Crow: Well, there WAS that Willis film... (ref to a certain film directed by M. Night Shyamalan) >There is a Knocking on the door. He barely moves. Every indication is that he's >dead. More knocking. He stirs enough to groan. Mike: This film's getting the same reaction from us... >The knocking continues ... Jason >opens his eyes and sees THE ALIENS standing outside his patio door, looking in >at him. He groans, gets up from under the table and makes his way wearily to the >door. >18 EXT. JASON'S HOUSE >Jason opens the door in his underwear, drooping bloodshot eyes, squint of a >headache ... There before him are THE ALIENS dressed in their perfect GALAXY >QUEST attire. Jason stares at them, bleary eyed. With earnest respectful faces, >the five salute him Crow: With 21 guns, seriously injuring him, the end. >in the classic "GALAXY QUEST" style. >JASON >Can I help you?! >The leader, MATHASAR, steps forward. Speaks quickly. >MATHASAR >Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach in protocol, Mike (Jason): Right, you shouldn't come to my house... >JASON >Right. You shouldn't come to my house. Crow: You read ahead... Mike: Well look who's talking! >MATHASAR (CONTINUING) >... but please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu >Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar >Sarris of Fatu-Krey. Crow (Mathasar): Unfortunately, it turns out that we are delicious with a light lemon glaze. >We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts in >this regard have been disastrous. >Please Commander, you are our last hope. Tom (Mathasar): And forgive us that we're imitating Princess Leia... >(beat) >We have secured our limousine. >JASON >What? ... Oh, oh, oh, oh, um. It's the thing for the thing that's, um – (beat) >Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in. >19 INT. JASON'S HOUSE >The four aliens stand on one side of the room. Jason, mostly dressed, hunts >under his couch for something. >MATHASAR >Commander, I must say that standing here in your presence is the greatest honor >we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes. Mike: Ok, this is their ultimate goal in life, yet their systematic slaughter is a bad thing? >Mostly all they can see of Jason at the moment is his butt, Tom (Mathasar): Nice ass! >as he is on his >knees, looking for his shoes. >JASON >That's – I really appreciate that. Would you guys look for another shoe that >looks like this, please? >THE ALIENS look around for the other shoe, mostly by staring at the ceiling. Tom (forced laughter): Ha Ha Ha. >20 INT. LINCOLN LIMO >Jason sits in back with MATHASAR and the others, half-awake. The three men are >seated across from Jason, and a dark-haired female is sitting next to him. >Jason, ever the ladies' man, eyes her appreciatively. Mike (Jason): Space... Crow (ditto): Boobs. These are the voyages of my hands. (makes cheesy la-la noises before getting muffled off) (Crow's line is ripped from an ep of the British "Whose Line is it Anyway".) >LAHNK >Sir, I am Lahnk, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to the ship, >please let me know if you have any requirements. Weapons, documents, >personnel... >JASON >Um – a Coca Cola? Do you have one of those? >One of the aliens nods to the other who opens a compartment in the limo and >takes out a cola.. >TEB >Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our people and the >Sarris Dominion in greater detail. >JASON (to LALIARI) >Hey, how ya doin'? >TEB >In the 5 million years following the great nebula burst our people were one... Crow (Jason): Really? How did you, (minding Mike) uh, copulate?... > >JASON >What's your name? >She just smiles and sits there. >JASON >Doesn't she talk? >TEB >Her translator is broken. Mike (Teb): Damn low quality crap from Systran... >LALIARI says something, but it comes out a weird mix of sounds. Like a screaming >baby inside a bagpipe. Crow: Great, now I'm having flashbacks to "Clan of the Duck"... (A previous MSTing of mine) >JASON >Okey dokey... Ya know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, >so I'm going to just shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to >everything you say. Okay? ... >Jason is asleep before Teb gets the next sentence out. >TEB (CONTINUING) Mike: He's speechless! >The limousine goes up an alley, stops, and lifts straight up into the air. A dog >comes out and, looking upwards, barks. Mike (dog): There, I did my job, tried to warn them about the aliens... >FADE TO BLACK Tom: Yay, it's over... Crow: Yeah right pal! See, we're fading in... >FADE IN >21 INT. RECEIVING QUARTERS - PROTECTOR II >Jason is shaken softly by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see a young female >CREWMAN, LALIARI. We hear a low RUMBLE. Mike: Let's get ready to RUMBLE! >This is the same female that was in the >limousine, but now, with her translator working, Tom (Teb): Nothing a couple slaps won't fix... (slap slap) >we hear her speak normally. >LALIARI >Commander. Commander. I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested >on the command deck. >Jason tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward. >22 INT. HALLWAY - THE PROTECTOR II >Laliari escorts Jason down the high tech hallway. Jason looks around, still >holding his can of Coke. >LALIARI >Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta >now. Mike: Ni-delta? So we're in Egypt?... Crow: Does that mean Sarris is the Pharaoh or something? >He wants an answer to his proposal. I understand you have been briefed. >JASON >Yeah, I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right? >LALIARI >Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our scientists, put us to >work in the gallium arsenide mines, captured our females for his own demented >purposes... Mike (Jason): Wait, I thought that you said he was evil... Crow: Now how can they get away with that?! >JASON >Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to just wing this? >LALIARI >I'm not sure I understand you... >MATHASAR approaches with other CREWMEMBERS. >MATHASAR >Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. >JASON >Good to see ya. >MATHASAR >Would you like to don your uniform? Crow (Mathasar): Fresh from the dry cleaners! >JASON >You know what, I'd like to skip that? I got this gig in Van Nuys in about a >quarter of an hour. Is that all right? >MATHASAR >As you wish. Tom (Mathasar, under breath): Stupid jerk... >Another ALIEN comes running up out of breath. >EXCITED ALIEN >Sir... It's Sarris. He's here. >EXT – SPACE >A ship that looks like a large-mouthed whale sails towards us. Crow: Hey, where's Gepetto? >INT – THE STRANGE SHIP >SOLDIER >General. I have just received word the Thermians have appointed a new commander >to handle the negotiations. >SARRIS >What? >23 INT. COMMAND DECK >A door slides OPEN and Jason and the others enter the COMMAND DECK ... It's >straight out of the TV show. Blinking lights, consoles, the cool old tech >displays ... But a bit dark. Mike: Hey, could you please turn up the lights please? >Jason looks around, genuinely impressed, still >wearing his glasses. >JASON >This is just great. You know, usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage. >They lead him to the Commander's chair. He sits. >TEB >Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are experiencing a >hmmm reflective flux field this close to the galactic axis. >JASON >You know what I could use is a cupholder and a couple of Advil. >NAVIGATOR >We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow? >Jason looks toward the front window/view screen. Stars move past in a familiar >display. Crow (Jason): Hey, look, it's Julia Roberts! >JASON >Um, set it on screen saver two. >(the NAVIGATOR looks confused) >Because, you know, we gotta - Oh, I'm sorry to break the mood here, uh. Slow it >down to Mark 2, lieutenant. >Then the VIEWSCREEN fuzzes to life with an image of... SARRIS - He's ugly and >green hued. Black sharp teeth. A metal hand... Tom: He's the Grinch gone wrong. Crow: Yep, seriously hurt from his succesful battle against the Rugrats. (The Grinch beat Rugrats in Paris when it opened in November 2000) >He hisses... There is a beat as >the aliens take in the sight, trying to well their courage. >SARRIS >I see fear. That is expected. Crow (Sarris): I mean, with a movie this bad, who wouldn't be afraid? >(his voice RESONATES) >Ah, they bring a new Commander... >JASON >It's good. >SARRIS >Here are my demands. >JASON >It's scary. Crow (Sarris): I haven't said 'em yet... >SARRIS >And if I do not hear what I like, >JASON >Real. >SARRIS >Then there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine. Mike: Most notably the continuing of this movie... >Jason takes a sip of coke and checks his watch. >SARRIS >First, >JASON >Backwash. Crow: The whole film, in one word. Mike: Seems they got tired and just had some monkeys write this part here... >SARRIS >I require the Omega 13... Second – I will require a technician Crow (Sarris): And I damn well better get large fries with that! >JASON >(blasι, like a laundry list) >Okey dokey, okey dokey, Let's fire blue particle cannons full ... red particle >cannons full. Gannet magnets fire them left and right. And let 'em run all >chutes. And while you're at it why don't ya toss that at 'em, killer. >Jason tosses the empty coke can to the gunner. Crow (Sarris): Not the coke can! You'll kill us all! Mike (Jason): Oh please, a can isn't much of a weapon. Crow (Sarris): It's not that, its just that there are REALLY strict anti-litter laws here. >JASON >That should take care of old Lobster-head, shouldn't it? >He tosses the GUNNER the empty coke can, then before even waiting for the >weapons to reach their target... ...he exits! Mike (high sarcasm): How dramatic! Tom (ditto): No one will be admitted here. >24 HALLWAY >Jason emerges and looks both ways trying to get his bearings. >Several of the aliens chase after him as he enters the corridor, exchanging >stunned glances, trying to absorb the magnitude of what just happened. >MATHASAR >Commander?... Where are you... going? >JASON >Home. Tom (Jason, a la Eric Cartman): Screw you guys... I'm going home. >MATHASAR >You... You mean Earth? >JASON >Yeah. "Earth." I need to get back to "Earth," kids. >He turns a corner. Jason is oblivious to the muffled sounds of explosions, >traces of the demolition going on outside. >MATHASAR >But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on him. >JASON >Yeah. Yeah. Long live... What's the name of your planet, again? Mike (Jason): Endor was it? >MATHASAR >Thermia. >JASON >Long live Thermia. This way? >MATHASAR >But what if Sarris survives? >JASON >Oh, I doubt it. I gave him both barrels. Mike (Jason): Of booze. >MATHASAR >He has a very powerful ship. Tom (Mathasar): It runs on Energizer batteries. >JASON >If you got any more problems with the guy, just, you know, give me a call. >Jason bumps his lag on something. >JASON >Ow! Mike: As if we cared... >MATHASAR produces a walkie talkie device for Jason. >MATHASAR >An interstellar vox. >JASON >A what? Hey. >MATHASAR looks him in the eye. A TEAR starts down his cheek. He HUGS Jason, then >shakes his hand sincerely. >MATHASAR >How can we thank you, Commander? You - You have saved our people. Tom (passionately): Oh, you inhuman monster, why! WHY!!!!!! >JASON >Yeah, okay. You know you kids have been great. You really have. >(opens the VOX) >This thing is real-lookin' Hello. Hello. >(chuckles) >The aliens leave and Jason is left all alone in the room as the doors close. >JASON >Hey. Where's my limo? Crow: The sequel to Dude, Where's My Car?. >FADE TO BLACK >A spot comes on over Jason's head. Mike (Jason): Suddenly I'm gonna be judged by the Almighty? The heck?! >Suddenly a CLEAR PLASTIC rises from the disk and conforms around him, ENCASING >HIM IN A FLEXIBLE CONTAINER. There is only an instant to register surprise as >the ceiling divides and an AWE INDUCING ROTATING STARFIELD is revealed... Tom: Earth. Final conflict. Crow (Jason): *yawwwwnnn* Boring! >The >WALLS pull back around him. And Jason finds himself surrounded by THE INFINITE >VASTNESS OF SPACE. Tom: Oh come on! There's only trillions upon trillions of cubic light-years of space! How the heck do you get infinity from that?!? Crow: Tom, this isn't time to blow your head over such details! Besides... ever heard of metaphors? >And his face is a MASK OF HORROR In the split instant as >Jason in his pod is ROCKETED FORWARD INTO SPACE. >26 BLACK - JASON'S YARD >We pull back slowly from the iris of Jason's eye. He is now standing on the red >disk in the middle of his own back yard. He stands there in shock, TEETH >CHATTERING, SHIVERING IN WAVES AND WAVES from the incomprehension of what he's >just experienced, unable to move from the spot. Mike (Jason, awed) Oh my God, that was so inane and implausible!! >28 EXT. COMPUTER STORE PARKING LIT - MORNING >Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Fred and Guy perform for the store's grand opening. A >small crowd is gathered, including Brandon and his gang, inspecting a mock up of >the PROTECTOR. >GWEN >Take it from us... We've been all over the universe. >FRED >But we've never seen space age values like we've seen here ..... at >TOMMY >Tech Value electronics superstore Mike: Alright, now this is getting a bit freaky here... >Alexander pauses, deeply ashamed. Gwen nudges him. >ALEXANDER (IN A MONOTONE) >By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings. Tom (Alexander, mumbling): By Grabthar's hammer, who the heck writes this stuff?! >A few balloons are released into the air. >GUY >All Right! Yeah, let's hear it for the NSEA Protector. >28A COMPUTER STORE - LATER >The actors hand out pamphlets and sign the occasional autograph. Fred pats >Alexander's back, who stares ahead, morose. Around the corner, JASON appears, >looking around with a disoriented yet exhilarated twinkle in his eye.. He spots >his friends and starts quickly toward the cast table but runs smack into the >group of FANS led by Brandon. Brandon and Jason go down, along with an armful of >GALAXY QUEST collectables. >BRANDON >Commander!... My apologies. >Brandon is nudged by his friend KYLE. >BRANDON >Evidently we had a miscommunication regarding the voyage, and that you didn't >show up. Tom (Jason, in a haze): Huh? >But Jason, still in a haze, simply gathers his things and walks off. The other >nerds look at Brandon. >KYLE >He did it AGAIN! Crow (South Park's Stan): What, killed Kenny? >28B ACTORS' TABLE >The actors look up to see JASON approaching. >ALEXANDER >Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all? >Jason has so much to say he can't get out a word. Gwen notices his wrinkled >slept-in clothing, and wild eyes. >JASON >N – N – Not now, guys. I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the >convention? Those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens. They were >termites or Dalmatians. I can't really remember because I was kinda hung over. >But what they built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship. I got to fight >this guy named Sarris, and I kicked his ass. >The crew looks at Jason incredulously. They wonder what sort of nightmares he >has when he's been drinking. All: Figures. Mike: Probably nightmares about movies like this getting financed. Crow: Or Rugrats... >JASON >I know what you're thinking, but I can prove it. They gave me this. >He produces the interstellar vox. The thing blinks its little red light. He >motions victoriously. The others exchange glances, then produce their own >blinking voxes and set them on the table. >JASON >No, no, no, no, but can you talk to people in SPACE on those? (into Vox:) >Protector this is the Commander. Over! >The others exchange glances. Alexander turns to Gwen. >Tommy rolls up his sleeve ready for a fight. Mike (Tommy): A baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do! Tom: Ding ding! Let's get ready to RUMBLE! >ALEXANDER >Oh, for God's sake. Mike (God): Don't go dragging me into this. >TOMMY >That's it, It's time to go. >Jason notices a label on his VOX that reads "Property of Brandon >Wheeger." He looks around for Brandon. >JASON >This isn't mine. Wait, that kid, where is that kid?... >Jason looks up and sees the young woman we recognize as Thermian >LALIARI. She's flanked by two young crewmen. >LALIARI >Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives. >He was able upon your departure to make an escape. >JASON >Listen. Tell them. >LALIARI >However he has contacted us, and wishes to negotiate a surrender. Mike: That fast, huh? >JASON >Sarris >LALIARI >We humbly implore you to come and negotiate the terms. >Jason looks at Laliari, then turns back to the others, his >experience twinkling in his eyes. >JASON >Huh?? They want me back ... You want me back? Is this amazing? They want me back >and I want you guys to go with me. Please. Don't even think about it. Let's go. >Yes? >Alex begins picking up his stuff to leave. The others pick up and start to >follow, >JASON >You're – You're going? Mike (Cartman): Yeah. Screw you guys, we're goin' home. >Alexander, this is not – I'm not kidding here. This isn't some kinda prank. I'm >not kidding. No, guys, guys, listen. Come on. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen. Gwen, stop. Come >here. You know me and I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy? >She looks at Jason. >JASON >Gwen, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy. >GWEN >You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but it's another thing to do it to >your fans?... Tom (Jason): Hey, at least I don't punch them in the face! >Gwen shakes her head and walks off. >JASON >This is not a fan. This – This is a Termite. >The actors enter their Van. >INT VAN >TOMMY >You should have just let me hit him. Crow: Who's he talking about, the Jason dude or the casting guy who got him into this crapload?... Tom: Jason. Crow: Alrighty, now that we've cleared that up... > >GWEN >Boy! I didn't know you could get that loaded. >FRED >I think we should have just taken the gig... I mean, who knows the next time >he'll ask us. >ALEXANDER >Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job? >They look at each other, each thinking the same thing – they needed work and >Jason was the Commander, after all. As one, they exit the van hurriedly. Tom: So suddenly they think this is just a gig? Crow: Well, the script says they need work. Bear with it guys! Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, a plot contrivance that's worse than the one in "Sonic Fights Robotnik 6". (My personal worst. Summary: many Swatbots surround Sonic etc. One suddenly falls causing rest to fall down like dominoes, allowing them to escape.) >28E ELECTRONICS STORE >GUY is standing in an aisle, nuzzling a girl. >GIRL >But you live with your mother? >The actors hurry through the aisles to the back of the store. Tom: I didn't know they had opening-day sales at electronics stores... >Gwen shouts to Guy. >GWEN >Did Jason come through here? >Guy points to the back. >GUY >Yeah. He's in there. Hey. Guys. >29 INT ELECTRONICS STORE WAREHOUSE NEAR DOCK >Gwen, Alex and the others enter, and look around. Laliari is >still in the room, alone. She lights up as they enter. Mike: Laliari, it's not good to smoke... >GWEN >Ah! We are coming too. >LALIARI >All of you wish to go to the ship? >GWEN >Yes. We wish to go to the ship You see, we work together, or not at all. Mike (Gwen): Whether we like it or not... >LALIARI >Wonderful! The Commander had me continue transmission in case you changed your >mind. (to Vox) Protector, requesting four Interstellar pods for immediate >departure. >GUY >Uh – me, too. >LALIARI >Five pods, for immediate departure. >There is a sloshing noise, and Gwen feels the plastic forming at her feet. She >can't move her legs, and it continues creeping up her body. >GWEN >Guys... Guys? >Alex tries to step off the disk Crow (Alexander): There! That oughta do it... >but It MOVES TO FOLLOW HIM. Crow (continuing): ...um, maybe not. >ALEXANDER >What in the world...? >LALIARI >I look forward to meeting you all in person when we arrive at the ship. End >transmission. >And with that, Laliari blinks and VANISHES. She was simply a >HOLOGRAM TRANSMISSION. Full realization hits Gwen... >GWEN >Oh my God. OH MY GOD. Tom (Gwen): They killed Kenny!! >Fred, at the vending machine, turns. >FRED >Anybody got any change? >Fred turns just in time to see everyone else disappear. Crow: Along with their lousy acting. Mike: We might as well disappear too... (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Crow: Tim Allen acting like William Shatner on steroids? Now there is an unintentional laugh... Mike: Yeah, like I can't wait till he starts speaking word by word. (A Shatner characteristic) Tom: If Men in Black is supposed to be sci-fi comedy magic, this sure is more like sci-fi comedy on automatic... Mike: You gotta feel sorry for Sigourney Weaver for getting her ass dragged into this mess. Crow: Yeah, she really sucks big time there. No trace of her "tough girl" role from Alien. She's soft as, um, a pillow. Yeah, that's it. Tom: At least she still has a REAL job... Look at Mark Hamill. He's been reduced to a guest voice on "Hey Arnold!". (Yes, I did research. The former Luke Skywalker has done voices on the show twice.) Crow: Even then, it could have been worse... 3 words for you, baby: "Star Trek Voyager". (Arguably, the worst series in the Star Trek group.) Mike: Yeah, like who'd wanna be stuck with that un-hot woman Janeway? (The captain on that show. Hey, that's 3 consecutive lines with annotation!) Tom: Right, Janeway and her bunch are a bunch of space cases anyway. Crow: Come 5 years, they'll all be doing gigs like these dudes. Mike: Yep. It's nothing short of a miracle that Patrick Stewart still gets some acting jobs at all!... (Granted, they're all lousy films. A TV remake of "The Canterville Ghost" and "Masterminds" come to mind. Though he does have "Jimmy Neutron" coming up.) Tom + Crow: Uh huh, yeah... Mike: Well... we'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (All re-enter the theater) Mike: So where were we?... Oh yeah, they're all ready to take an "unusual gig", if you know what I mean... >30 INT. NSEA PROTECTOR DOCKING STATION POD BAY- DEEP SPACE >The room LIGHTS BRILLIANTLY with a series of flashes. In rapid >succession the PODS arrive with a flash through a hatch In the >ceiling. They unfold to reveal Gwen, Alexander, Tommy and Guy who >stand paralyzed and teeth chattering. Mike: Too bad they forgot to close the hatch... (Tom opens his mouth and thrashes from side to side.) Crow: What the heck was that? Tom: In space, no one can hear you scream. >They look like a bunch of >horrified bowling pins all facing toward... Crow: (bowling pin strike noise) >A METAL HATCH - Beyond It they register the SOUND of WET >FOOTSTEPS growing closer... All (Zombies): Braaiiinsss... >Their eyes widen as they see the >hatch open revealing a group of 3 HORRIBLE TENTACLED DROOLING >SCREECHING ALIEN MONSTERS who surround our visitors, probing them >with jagged devices. Mike: Please tell me this is an X-Files rerun... Tom: And not some Japanese hentai... >Then one of the monsters looks down at a >mechanism on his belt. Crow: It's called a vibrator... (Mike muffles him off) >The monsters all flip switches on their belts their forms become >HUMAN, uniformed as ship's TECHNICIANS. >TECHNICIAN #1 >Our most sincere apologies! We forgot about our appearance >generators. Tom (Technician): Now, if you'll just let me cram my ovi-positor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest... >Then JASON appears in the doorway, wearing a big warm smile. >JASON >Guys! You CAME!... >They stand there, still paralyzed and terrified. Crow: With a plot like this, who wouldn't be? >JASON >Who wants the grand tour? Mike (Jason): OK, over there is the living room, you can sleep on the couch, there's the kitchen, and there's the can. Any questions? >Guy is now relaxed enough to let out the loudest most genuine >SCREAM you've ever heard in your life. Crow: The general reaction to this movie. >A beat. >JASON >Anybody else? >Then another streak of light, and Fred appears along side the >others. He steps off of the disk, unaffected. >FRED >That was a hell of a thing. >(to Jason, motioning to others) >What's wrong with them? Crow: They're in a cheesy spoof... Get used to it. >Jason smiles. Nothing gets to Fred. Mike: Is he stoned? Crow: More like on Prozac... >JASON >I don't know. Come on. >31 INT. PROTECTOR DOCKING STRUCTURE - HALLWAY >Jason leads Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Guy and Fred down the hall. >They shuffle forward like recent hospital releases, looking >around silent and dumbfounded at their surroundings, occasional >involuntary JERKS of their limbs evidence of their horrifying >journey. Mike: So they're acting normal then, gotcha. >JASON >That's right guys ... Just keep shaking it off. It gets better. Here, have some >gum, It helps. >TOMMY >Wh... Where are we? >JASON >Twenty third quadrant of the gamma sector. Crow: That helps. >There's a map in the forward room. >Come on. >Then MATHASAR appears coming down the hall with a small group of >ALIENS. He has a warm smile on his face. > >MATHASAR >Welcome my friends >JASON >This is MATHASAR. He's their leader. >MATHASAR >I am MATHASAR. On behalf of all my people I wish to thank you from the deepest >place in our hearts. >JASON >MATHASAR, this is, uh, my crew. All (Mathasar et al.): THAT'S your crew? How pathetic! >The Thermians all stare at the crew, and MATHASAR reaches out to Alexander. >MATHASAR >Dr. Lazarus ... >The Thermians whisper his name with awe. >MATHASAR >Lt. Madison ... >They whisper her name and Gwen is just as much in awe as they are with her. >MATHASAR leans down to kiss her hand. >MATHASAR >Young Laredo, how you've grown. Crow (Mathasar, lecherously) and in all the right places might I add... >MATHASAR >Tech Sgt. Chen... And.... >The Thermians whisper, Tech Sargent Chen ... Tech Sargent Chen. >He looks at Guy quizzically, not sure who he is. >GUY >"Crewman # s..." Guy. >The Thermians, unsure, whisper "Guy". >GWEN >You... know us? >MATHASAR >(soft laugh) >I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who does not. In the >years since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have >studied every facet of your missions and strategies. Crow (Mathasar): So we can learn what NOT to do! >TOMMY >You've been watching the show ... >JASON >Lieutenant? Historical documents. >TOMMY >... historical documents from out here? >MATHASAR >The past hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our >values had become scattered. Mike (Mathasar): Having those "Heaven's Gate" people lead was a BIG mistake... >But since the transmission, we have modeled every >aspect of our society from your example, and it has saved us. Your courage and >teamwork, and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has >been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents. Mike (teacher-ish): That, my students, is called a "plot convenience". >GWEN >Is this a – a spaceship? >JASON >No. This is a starport FOR the ship. >(a twinkle In his eye) >Would you guys like to see the ship? >Fred nods yes, but the others stand there with their mouths open. All: Figures. (beat) Crow: Suddenly I wish Steve Martin were in this movie... (Ref to Three Amigos, a film with a similar premise.) >A door opens leading to a DOCKING POD. >32 INT. DOCKING POD >They enter and the doors close, and the elevator starts moving. As it clears a >wall, we see out the window A MAGNIFICENT AND BREATHTAKING VIEW OF THE ENORMOUS >NSEA PROTECTOR DOCKED IN FRONT OF THEM... They all gawk at the amazing >sight, their eyes wide like children. Only Fred calmly looks out the window. The >others Mike: Starring Nicole Kidman. >are in shock. >ALEXANDER >Oh my god. >As the view clears, they can see this beautiful ship docked in a huge spaceport, >the numbers on the side reflecting those on the tiny model they had only known >before. >ALEXANDER >It's real. >INT ABOARD THE SHIP, HAVING A SMALL TOUR >MATHASAR >The generator room. >The Beryllium sphere, of course. >The sphere is suspended and slowly rotating. Mike (computer-ish): Hello. My name is Jerry. ("Sphere" ref) Crow: So it's powered by a souped-up disco ball. Good idea. >MATHESOR >(CONTINUED) >And as we continue ... >The medical quarters are to the left. >We went through some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration. Crow (random crew member): So we can use our cell phones here? WOO HOO! >ALEXANDER >Jason, what have you gotten us into? >TOMMY >What in hell is going on? Crow: Yeah, you tell us! >GWEN >What are we doing here? >FRED >Wow, the floors are so clean. >JASON >We're just here to negotiate this guy Sarris' surrender. It's no big deal. >MATHASAR >And the organ fabrication chamber is coming along nicely. Mike (Jason): Well, I could use a new liver. You guys wouldn't believe how fast chronic cirrhosis can happen. Tom (Mathasar): Oh, I meant church music organs!... (makes pipe organ music, namely, the opening of "Toccata and Fugue") >GWEN >It's no big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here. >JASON >Oh, come on, guys. >GWEN >Jason, we are actors, not astronauts. Tom: I wouldn't even call you actors. >JASON >You guys want to go home? Fine. Say the word, and we'll all go home, pay our >bills, feed our fish, fall asleep in front of the TV – and miss out on all of >this. Come on. Do you guys wanna do that? Anybody? Gwen, come on, think about >... look at where we are. We're in space. Mike: Yea, who would want to go back to Earth... >Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You guys wanna leave? >MATHASAR >We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo >sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous. Crow: That means "it sucks". Mike (random crew member): OOH! >The crew looks at each other, making one of the most important decisions of >their lives. >MATHASAR >The main barracks >Fred, walking beside Lalaini, is smiling. There is something there. >INT THE MAIN BARRACKS >TWO HUNDRED crewmen are lined up along both sides, bowing. Jason walks in >between them. >JASON >At ease. >ALEXANDER >(awed) >It's like throwing gasoline on a flame... Tom (Alexander): ...in which case, you better stand back... (Mike makes "Kablam" noise) >Alex turns to Guy, who is smiling ear to ear. >ALEXANDER >(CONTINUED) >What? >GUY >I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man. >INT THE ENTRANCE TO THE COMMAND DECK >They enter and gawk at the familiar hub, waiting for the show to start... Crow: Not realizing they ARE the show. >not >realizing they ARE the show. Mike: Now look who's reading ahead... >MATHASAR >If you would all take your positions... >GWEN >Our what? >JASON >Guys - >THE ACTORS >Oh, right... US! Yes, of course... US! >They take their positions, marveling at the familiar control >panels in front of them. Tommy turns to Guy. >TOMMY >Look .. This thingy ... I remember – I remember I had it all worked out. This >was forward, this is back ... >Jason is sitting in the Captain's Chair, familiarizing himself with the palm >controls. Mike (Jason): Damn Graffiti is so hard to write... Could I have a PPK? (Palm Portable Keyboard) >MATHASAR >Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event. >JASON >Sure. Bring 'em in. >MATHASAR motions and screeches, Crow: One sure sign of a lame movie: lots of screeching by the actors. >and a few CREWMEN enter, followed by a dozen >More ... followed by FIFTY more. They stand around the periphery >of the room, watching eagerly. Mike (quoting Guy): Just jazzed about being on the show... >Tommy turns to Guy. >TOMMY >No pressure, huh? Glad I ain't the Commander. >COMMANDER >Laredo, take us out. >Everyone in the room turns their attention to Tommy. His >sarcastic smile drops. He looks mortified. >TOMMY >Excuse me? >JASON >They designed those controls after watching you. Take her out. >Tommy stares down at his control panel. It's pretty self explanatory, a throttle >and a circular dial for direction. Mike: OK, but how do they go up and down then? Crow: Oh, like you can fly a space ship Mike. >But daunting nonetheless. >TOMMY >Right. Right. Okay. Right. Right. Take her out. >Everyone's eyes are glued to him as he touches the computer screen. The ENGINES >COME TO LIFE, a massive exhilarating sound. Tommy giggles nervously. His hand >trembles as he pushes the throttle further. The ship starts to move. The actors >exchange worried glances. >Tommy is very confident now, being in the element he was trained for as a child. >He leans back, confidently grasps the controls and moves them. Tom: Unfortunately he still has the ship in reverse. >42 EXT. SHIP >You can feel the WEIGHT of 'the giant craft as it eases forward, sliding through >the sides of the dock. >43 COMMAND DECK >Everyone watches the forward monitor. Tommy turns the NAVIGATION DIAL slowly. >Guy whispers to him... Crow (Guy): Just give me the controls, OK? >As the ship ponderously passes through the spaceport, the windows are lined with >personnel, all witnessing this departure, and all standing at attention. The >ship begins to drift to the left. Tommy moves the controls, but it's not enough, >and the ship continues to drift. >The actors all lean to the right, trying to use body english. Crow: As well as arm french and foot german. >GUY >Okay. >Guy taps Tommy on the hand. >GUY >You gotta move to the right. Tom (Guy): And move to the left. C'mon and dance the Screw! (Reference to really lame song, deliberately recorded by some guy named Phil Spector alledgedly to screw his partner out of royalties) >More to the right. >TOMMY >Would you sit your ass down? >GUY >Hit parallel Crow (Tommy): Wha?... Oh, right. >TOMMY >Move! You wanna drive this thing? Crow (Guy): Well, ANYONE'S a better driver than you. >44 EXT. STAR DOCK >Indeed, the ship is slightly off course... Tom: Veering ever closer to an innocent orbiting telescope... >It's like trying to get out of a >tight parking space with concrete walls to either side. And the ship is veering >ever so slightly into one of the walls. As the ship approaches the wall, the >personnel move back. >Tommy turns the dial to correct ... But it looks like the momentum might carry >the ship into the wall anyway ... Tommy PEGS the dial to the right ... The >others hold their breath as the bow of the ship moves closer and closer to the >wall ... Then ... It TOUCHES. The sound of a soft but high pitched SCRAAAAAAAPE. Crow: So who does this remind you of Tom? Mike: Oh come one guys, that accident with the Hubble was a long time ago... (This was Ben's riff: He's talking about a host segment in the MST3K movie.) >All eyes are on Tommy. He doesn't know what to do... Should he continue forward, >or back up, and scrape again for sure? The classic parking lot dilemma, >magnified by ten thousand. Mike (script writer): Yes, I'm totally aware I'm using a really fruity description here... >Tommy grasps the throttle and moves it slightly >forward... SCRAAAAAAPE. He keeps going, in too deep to back out now... And the >ship continues to SCRAAAAAPE for a couple of horrible seconds as it >completes the curve... All (forced laughter): Ha Ha Ha. >And then it is free. The beautiful craft glides slowly >out to open space... Jason and the others let out a sigh of relief. >48 EXT. SHIP >The ship glides out to space, only a relatively minor scrape of the paint job to >show for the incident. Mike: You call that MINOR?! >49 INT. DINING HALL >The crew and various aliens sit around the large table, eating an extravagant >meal. MATHASAR makes a toast. (Tom makes toaster pop noise) Crow (Mathasar): Dang, the toast's burned! >JASON >Oh. Mmm. >MATHASAR >How are you enjoying your steak, Commander? >JASON >I'm really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed Iowa beef. >TEB >Yes. We programmed the food synthesizer for each of you based on the regional >menu of your birthplace. >JASON >I don't care where you did it. It tastes great! Crow (Teb): Less filling too. >Alexander is spooning up wriggling insects from his bowl. >TEB >Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks Dr. Lazarus? >Alexander, miserable, toys with the bowl of living insects swimming >in a disgustingly vomit-textured broth. Tom (Alexander): Heck no! >ALEXANDER >Just like mother used to make. >The insect jumps out of the spoon and lands in the plate. >He pushes the bowl away, nauseated. Tom: He's getting it easy. >ALEXANDER >So, um – Tell me, MATHASAR, this Sarris person that we're flying to meet, what >does he want, exactly? >MATHASAR >He – uh – he heard about the device – the Omega 13. >TOMMY >Um – What is it? What does it do? >MATHASAR >We don't know. >TEB >We were hoping you could enlighten us. > >Gwen chuckles nervously and looks aprehensively at Jason. >JASON >Oh, the Omega 13 device. We found that on the alien planet. We don't know what >it does, either. Crow (Jason, sotto voce): Damn those networks... (Yep: Networks can totally screw up things for your favorite TV show, like moving time slots, cutting eps and most importantly, cancelling the show before the good stuff happens. Enough with me, back to the MSTing.) >The Thermians all gasp >TOMMY >Well, why don't you just turn it on and see what it does? >The Thermians emit shrill screeches and nervous laughter. >TEB >It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy. If we were mistaken >in our construction, the device would act as a molecular explosive, causing a >chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe. Mike (Teb): Well, at least all bad acting anyway, but we ain't willing to take the risk... >JASON >Has Sarris ever seen any of the, uh, historical records? >MATHASAR >NO, Thank God he has not. >JASON >Oh. So how does he know about the Omega 13 device? >MATHASAR >Our former Commander was not... Strong. >JASON >Former Commander? >MATHASAR >I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown. >He nods to a Crewman who pushes a button. A wall panel moves aside to reveal a >large VIEWSCREEN. An image appears with a lot of static, and the sound cuts in >and out... Crow (script writer): In a nutshell, the quality of the image is as lame as this film. >MATHASAR >The tape was smuggled off of Sarris' ship. Originally, one of our own tried to >lead. >SARRIS (ON MONITOR) >Is that all? After three days of this you still require incentive? Tom (former Commander): Yeah, like an immunity idol! >Sarris moves switches on the panel. The device pulls at the alien's limbs, >twisting them horribly. Bones crackle. Crow: Suddenly, I have a craving for lobster... >ALIEN COMMANDER (ON MONITOR) >I have told you all I know. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me >die. >SARRIS >When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die... Crow (former Commander): Whatever. >Sarris toys with his control panel. Mike: And adjusts the Sound settings to maximum. >Mercifully the screen fuzzes up with static >and we can only HEAR the bone chilling SCREAMS... Tom: Which are actually coming from the audience. Mike: Suddenly, it's replaced by something even worse. Crow: Let me guess... this movie. Mike: Yep... you saw it coming, didn't you? >We PAN around the table, past GWEN, ALEXANDER, TOMMY, GUY...Their mouths open in >horror as they watch the screen. MATHASAR looks sadky at them all. >50 INT. HALLWAY >The actors walk down the hallway, panicked. Jason is pursuing them. Mike: Gee, even THEY are walking out on this film! >JASON >Wait a minute, guys. Come on. Hold on a minute. You just can't leave. Give me >some time to think. >ALEXANDER >He wants to think. >TOMMY >No, Jason. That's a wrap. There's nothing to think about. >TOMMY >No, Jason, that's a wrap! There's nothing to think about! Crow (Tommy): Do I have to say everything TWICE to make an impact around here?! >GUY >Listen, I'm not even supposed to BE here. I'm just Crewman #6. I'm expendable. >I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove that the situation is serious! Mike: It's supposed to be serious now? >I >gotta get out of here. >MATHASAR comes running up, looking distressed. >MATHASAR >Commander... >JASON >We gotta prepare the pods for my crew's departure. >MATHASAR >Begging your Commander's pardon, sir, but we cannot launch pods at the moment. >Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship. Mike: And the problem with this would be...? Tom (Jason): Well, I never really liked them anyway... >JASON >Sarris? >MATHASAR >Yes sir, he's here now. Your presence is required on the command deck. >Everyone reacts, alarmed, and we CUT TO: Crow: Using my incredible powers of deduction, I predict we will "CUT TO" the command deck! >51 INT. COMMAND DECK (Crow makes swish noise) >The actors enter the empty deck followed by MATHASAR. >GWEN >There's nobody here. Jason... Tom: Why thank you Captain Obvious! >MATHASAR >While my people are talented scientists our attempts to operate our own >technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous. Tom (Mathasar): In a nutshell: We suck. >He leans over to Gwen's computer station as she sits, and pushes a button. >MATHASAR >I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency. Mike (Mathasar): But keep it quick, I get billed by the minute, and these zeta frequency calls aren't cheap. >JASON >Still, MATHASAR, >But he is interrupted by the sight of SARRIS appearing on the large VIEWSCREEN. >Sarris now wears a metal eyepatch, and has a long scar across his cheek. All: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum... >SARRIS >We meet again Commander. >The crew stares at Sarris. A frightening visage. >JASON >Hello Sarris... How are you doing? >SARRIS >Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate the ship's neutron armor as >quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter. >He brings into view a stake with the impaled head of his former Lieutenant. >JASON >Yeah. Well, you know, I'd like to say I'm real sorry about what happened before. >The whole thing was just a (heh heh)misunderstanding. Mike (Jason, aside): Get me a pot of boiling water, I'll see if I can lure him aboard and drop em in it. I'll also need some melted butter and lemon too... >SARRIS (ANGRILY) >Deliver the device to me, or I will destroy your ship. >JASON >You know, um, we'd like to do that, but frankly, Sarris, sir, we don't know what >it is or even where it is. >SARRIS >You have ten seconds. >JASON >I don't – Ten seconds – I don't – There – You know, okay, gosh darn it! I give >up. It's yours. You can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box >for you, okay? (beat) Gwen. >Jason motions to Gwen to cut the transmission. Gwen nods. >JASON >Don't panic. I've dealt with this guy before. He's as stupid as he is ugly. Come >here. >He grabs Guy and sits him down at the armament console. >GWEN >Jason. Tom (Gwen): Could you NOT handle Guy like that? >JASON >Not now, Gwen. Sit, sit, sit. >JASON (CONTINUED) >We're going to send everything we can at him, all right? >GWEN >JASON... >JASON >Not now. Gwen Push these red buttons and send everything we have towards him, >okay? Mike: Well, that's so un-Shatner. >GUY >Okay. >JASON >All righgt, Gwen. >(Clears throat) >Put me back on with him. >GWEN >That's what I've been trying to tell you. You ARE back on with him. >SARRIS >Perhaps I'm not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander. >Jason turns to Gwen horrified. >JASON >I gave you the "kill" gesture. >GWEN >No, you gave me the "we're dead" signal. Mike: A fitting metaphor for their careers... Crow (Jason): Oh, right! I always get the 2 gestures confused. >I was agreeing with you. Like I know >where the hold button is. Tom (Gwen): This ain't no telephone, y'know!... >GUY >Hey, guys? > >GUY >Guys ... There's a Red thingy moving toward the green thingy. >JASON >What? >GUY >Red thingy moving toward the green thingy! > >Guy motions to the radar screen. The red blip is about to impact. >GUY >I think – I think we're the green thingy. Mike (Jason): Well, no kidding! >SARRIS >A little present for you, Commander. >JASON >We gotta get out of here. Move the ship. Turn it. Move! Let's go! >The ship is POUNDED BY A TORPEDO BLAST. Now, unlike the "run back and forth" >shake-the-camera explosions of the TV show, the result here is jarringly BRUTAL, >like side-slamming a Hummer at 70mph. Crow (script writer): Hey, I know it's a bad comparison, but bear with me here, people. >The entire crew goes FLYING from their >positions and into the walls. The lights FLICKER. >They exchange glances, for the first time, bona fide FEAR In their eyes. This is >REAL. Then ANOTHER blast sends them crumpled against walls and objects like rag >dolls. The pain is palpable as they try to get back to their stations. >JASON >Tommy, Tommy! Let's go! Get us out of here! >TOMMY >Jason, what do I do? >JASON >Go! Go! Go! >Tommy looks at the sparkling map of lights on his dash. >TOMMY >WHOO! Mike (Tommy): We're gonna die! >Tommy punches the red button. Mike: The button then gives him a right hook back. >They all hold on for dear life as the ship roars >forward, across the path of Sarris' ship. >GWEN >They're turning. They're COMING. >An explosion rocks the ship. Then another, and ANOTHER... >SARRIS >Thrust ahead, full! (beat) Fire at will. Mike (random evil alien): Which one's Will? >JASON >Go faster, Tommy! >TOMMY >I'm going as fast as I can. >GUY >She's still behind us... >JASON >Well, uh, uh, press the turbo. I'm always saying "press the turbos", right?... >TOMMY >Oh, it's right here. >JASON >Press it and hold it down. >He pushes the turbo. The ship begins to VIBRATE. Crow: Look at them get away with sexual innuendo... >Iy moves at a blinding sspeed. Mike (Jason): I'm BLIND!!! >TOMMY >Whoo! >COMPUTER Tom (Computer) I'm sorry Tommy, I cannot allow you to do that. >The enemy is matching velocity. >GWEN >The enemy is matching velocity. >ALEXANDER >We heard it the first time! Mike (Jason): We heard it the first time! >GWEN >Gosh! I'm doing it! I'm repeating the darn computer! Crow: Jeez, do they really have to do the same line twice? >Suddenly an image of Fred down in the generator room appears on the side >viewscreen. He's taking it all in stride. >FRED >Hi guys. Listen, they're telling me Crow (Fred): This film's suffering from overacting. Can you keep it down in there, please? Thank you. >that the generators won't take it, the ship >is breaking apart and all that. Just FYI. Mike (Fred): Oh, I'm also giving her all I've got captain, and I'm not sure I can hold her. Crow: Well, that wasn't so Scotty, was it? >The viewscreen goes black. The ship ROARS forward. >ALEXANDER >We've got to stop! >JASON >We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy! Tom: I second Alexander! >ALEXANDER >You can't hold a turbo down! It's for quick boosts >JASON >Oh! Like YOU know? Mike (Alexander): Uh... no? >The ship GROANS and CREAKS. Then a loud KLAXON sounds. >GWEN >I remember that sound! That's a bad sound! >Jason looks forward. In the distance is an amorphous MASS... Tom (Jason): It's the Pope... he's gonna save us! (The others make praying noise) >JASON >Wait, wait, wait, wait. We might be able to lose them in this cloud here. >GWEN >I don't think that's a cloud... >As they approach, the "cloud" reveals itself to actually be thousands upon >thousands of SLOWLY ROTATING OCTAHEDRONS. >JASON >Mathasar? What is that? >MATHASAR >It's the Tothian mine field left standing from the Great War of 12185. >Their jaws drop as they see the vast array of MINES. >TOMMY >Oh god ... Whoo! >THE FIRST MINE HITS, ROCKING THE SHIP... BOOM! Tommy SWERVES to avoid it, Mike: Kinda stupid to swerve AFTER you hit the mine. >running into another mine. Then another. Tommy couldn't do worse if he were >aiming for them. >ALEXANDER >Could you possibly try (BOOM!) not to hit (BOOM!) every (BOOM!) single (BOOM!) >one! >TOMMY >Sorry, man. They're drifting toward us... I think they're magnetic!... Tom (Exeter): And if your hands were metal (normal voice) wait, never mind... All: PLOT DEVICE! >52 EXT. PROTECTOR >The ship HURTLES FORWARD through the mine field, taking considerable damage as >the mines impact. PIECES of the ship fall off behind it... >52A INT. SARRIS' SHIP >Calm, Sarris watches the PROTECTOR fly into the almost certain death of the mine >field. His LIEUTENANT flies ahead eagerly. >LATHE >Continue forward, sir? >SARRIS >Patience, Lieutenant ... Patience. Mike (Lathe): Hey, did you get your military education from Yoda or something? >INT. COMMAND DECK >ALEXANDER >We've gotta stop. > >JASON >We're almost through this. >The ship is now VIBRATING HORRIBLY. It GROANS and CREAKS then ... RIVETS start >to POP sending DEADLY PROJECTILES flying. >And then suddenly a LOUD GRINDING noise. Then SILENCE. The vibrating stops. Gwen >looks up from her radar screen. >The ship tumbles end over end, Crow (gymnastics commentator): And look at those beautiful somersaults there! >and finally drifts to a stop. Crow (as if reading judges' scores): 10, 9.8, 10, 9.9, 9,7, 10! >JASON >You okay? You all right? >VOICES >Yeah! >JASON >Everybody all right? Where's Tommy? >55 INT. COMMAND DECK >The deck looks dead and empty. Smoke is in the air. The lights >are dim. The sirens have stopped. It's completely silent. Mike: Ah, such a romantic backdrop. >The >crew slowly emerges from behind panels and equipment, bruised and >bloodied. Jason moves to Gwen. >They hear a GROAN. Tommy is crumpled against the wall, his arm >twisted impossibly. He's in agony. >JASON >Tommy! Are you all right? Mike (Tommy): Gee, tough question there, give me a second... >TOMMY >No, my arm is broke – No! Don't touch it. Don't touch it! >MATHASAR >I'll take him to medical quarters. >JASON >Thanks, Mathasar. >Alexander moves toward the door. >GWEN >Alex? Where are you going? >ALEXANDER >To see if there's a pub. Tom (Mathasar): Oh, just walk this way. >He exits. The others turn to Jason, their faces sooty, their clothing torn and >bloody. >56 INT. SHIP STRATEGY ROOM >COMPUTER >...Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage... aft vector guards, 96% damage... Level >5 structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40, 43, 58... >JASON >What about the engines? >COMPUTER >Forward thruster shaft – 87% damage. Tom (a la "Shaft" theme): Can you dig it? >GWEN >Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power? >COMPUTER >The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress. Crow (Computer): As well the plot. >GWEN >It's fractured... >JASON >Can it be repaired? >GWEN >Computer, can it be repaired? >COMPUTER >Negative. Damage to beryllium sphere irreparable. New source of beryllium must >be secured. >GWEN >We need another one. >ALEXANDER (to Jason) >You broke the ship. You broke the bloody SHIP! Mike: Yep. He's British alright. >JASON >Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board? >GWEN >Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board? >COMPUTER >Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board. >GWEN >No. We have no extra beryllium sphere on board. Crow: We got that the first time!... >TOMMY >You know, that is really getting annoying. Mike: Same for the whole film. >GWEN (deadly) >Look! I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to DO it. >OKAY? >TOMMY (intimidated) >Sure, no problem. >Suddenly the door opens and seven Aliens enter, led by MATHASAR. They look VERY >SERIOUS. Guy exchanges an "uh oh" glance with Tommy... But the aliens lower >their heads. >MATHASAR >A thousand apologies. We have failed you. Tom (random alien): Hey, who's failed who? Crow (mumbles): If anyone needs a thousand apologies, it's the crew of this crapfest... Mike: Either that, or Mathasar's talking to the audience. Tom: Mathasar played my Frankie Muniz. (of Malcolm in the Middle, a show that talks to the viewer) >JASON >How have you failed us? >MATHASAR (wracked with sadness) >We have seen you victorious in much more desperate situations. The fault must >lie with us, with the ship... Crow (Mathasar): Either that or (mocking) you screwed up, you screwed up. >Gwen shoots Jason a glance... TELL THEM. >JASON >No, MATHASAR. It is not your fault and it's not the ship's fault. >It's-it's-it's-it's my fault. We-we screwed – Tom (Mathasar, exasperated): Figures. >GWEN >We're not the people you think we are. >MATHASAR >I don't understand. >Alexander gets up and walks toward Mathasar. >ALEXANDER >Don't you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theater, films? >MATHASAR >The historical documents of your culture... Yes, in fact we have begun to >document our own history, from your example... >GWEN >No not historical documents... They're not all historical documents... I mean... >surely you don't think Gilligan's Island is a... >MATHASAR and the others exchange sad glances... >MATHASAR >Those poor people... Crow (Mathasar): Besides, nothing compares to Survivor. >TOMMY >Oh, brother... >MATHASAR and the others exchange quizzical looks. >GUY >We're screwed. Tom + Crow: You can say that again... >GWEN >Is there no one on your planet who behaves in a way that is contrary to reality? >MATHASAR >Ah. You speak of... >Unable to bring the words to mind, he confers with his fellows. >MATHASAR >"Deception ..." "Lies." Crow (Mathasar): "Videotape." >MATHASAR >We have only recently become aware of these concepts. In our dealings with >Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do another. Promise us mercy but >deliver destruction... It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great >cost. >(a worried beat) >But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris. Tom (random crew member): What, us? NAH! >He starts to laugh, and the other aliens join in. >Suddenly a VIEWSCREEN lights and we see Fred on the monitor from down in the >generator room. >FRED (ON SCREEN) >Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be >able to get there if we re-configure the solar matrix in parallel for >endothermic propulsion. Tom (Fred): We should also use the positron-singularity array to hyper-ionize the quark phase shifter while using the anti-photon annihilator. And what the hell, while we're at that, why not set Pi equal to 3? >What do you think? >JASON >We'll do that! Crow (Jason): Whatever the hell that means... >GUY >All right! >Fred turns to two young TECHS next to him. >FRED >That's – that's right, again. Come on, everybody. Group hug. >EXT ORBITING A RED PLANET >The ship lumbers slowly forward. In the distance we see the swirling globe of a >colorful and mysterious PLANET. > >35 INT. HALLWAY >Alex's young escort, QUELLEK, leads him down the hall. >QUELLEK >Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. Crow (Quellek): Does my ass look big? >I am so very humbled >to stand in your presence... I have studied your missions extensively... Though >I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the >Mak'tar. >ALEXANDER >Well good, that's very... nice. >QUELLEK (emotional) >By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I- Mike (Quellek): (BONK) Hey, what'd you do that for?! >ALEXANDER >Don't do that. I'm not kidding. >QUELLEK >I'm sorry, sir, I was only- >ALEXANDER >Just don't. >QUELLEK >...Yes sir. >(they come to a stop) >58 INT. SURFACE POD BAY - LATER >MATHASAR >Never give up. Never surrender. Mike (Mathasar): Never quit saying your cheesy catchphrase! >Jason, Gwen, Tommy, Fred and Guy enter the small surface pod. Quellek, >Alexander's protege, steps forward, hands Alex a device. >QUELLEK >Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programmed it to the >coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density. >QUELLEK (emotional) >Good luck on your mission, Sir. >ALEXANDER >Thanks. > >59 INT. SURFACE POD >Tommy pilots the craft as the pod approaches the beautiful and mysterious >planet. Guy looks out the window nervously. >JASON >You're doing good, Tommy. >Fred is calmly eating a snack and looking out the window like a tourist. Mike (tour guide): And if you look to your right... more rocks! >GUY >I changed my mind. I want to go back. >ALEXANDER >After all the fuss you made about not getting left behind on the ship? >GUY >Yeah, but that's when I thought maybe was the crewman that stays on the ship and >something is up there and it kills me, but now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets >killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet... Tom: Guy played by Billy West. (Make of it as you will: Fry of "Futurama", or Emmitt of "Detention") Crow: I dunno, this Guy is starting to behave like that Chuckie dude... >JASON >You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy. Tom (Jason): You're gonna die right here. (slightly deranged) Why, right now in fact! >GUY >Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name? Mike: SHAAAFT!! (A trailer for the Shaft remake features a guy screaming "SHAAAFT!!" when his voiceover intones: "What's my name?") >JASON >It's... I don't know. Tom (Guy): Wrong! It's, well, I don't know either, dammit! >GUY >No. Nobody does. Do you know WHY? Mike: Illiterate parents? >Because my character isn't IMPORTANT enough >for a last name. Crow (Jason): Oh yeah? What's the last name of the main character of "Hey Arnold!"? He's important enough for one... Mike (Guy): I don't know. Crow (Jason): Case closed. Mike: What, you been visiting Hey Arnold! fansites again? (Fact: Even though many of his friends have last names, Arnold of "Hey Arnold!" doesn't have a last name. Interestingly, my 3rd reference to the football head in this MSTing. Come to think of it, they don't give a last name for the kid Laredo... what's up with that?) >Because I'm going to DIE five minutes in. Mike (Jason): Yeah, and my last name's Johanssen. (As in Arnold's friend Gerald Johanssen) >GWEN >Guy, you HAVE a last name. >GUY >Do I? DO I? For all you know I'm just Tom (Smashing Pumpkins): A rat in a cage! >"CREWMAN #6"! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! >(hysterical) >ALEXANDER (sighs) >Are we there yet? Tom: Figures. Crow (Jason): Not yet. (beat) Mike (Alexander): Are we there yet? >60 EXT. SURFACE POD >The pod makes its way toward the surface. >JASON >Tommy! >61 INT. POD >The ship shakes as it lands. Everyone exchanges anxious glances. >ALEXANDER >Pull Out! (Crow spit takes) >The ship swerves around and lands smoothly between two rocks. Everyone is >amazed. >Suddenly the HATCH opens with a loud PHHHHT Mike: Sounds like it's from the audience. >of air decompression. Fred has >opened it. >GUY >Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air!? You don't know, do you! >Fred sniffs the air. >FRED >Seems okay. Mike: Fred suddenly asphyxiates to death. >Guy sighs. >62 EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY >The six exit the craft tentatively. Guy looks around, apprehensive. >GWEN >Here we go. >JASON >Which way, Alexander? >Alexander looks down at his mapper. >ALEXANDER >This way... Wait, no, that way... Mike: Scene inspired by Bugs Bunny. >They turn in the opposite direction. >TOMMY >You were holding it upside down weren't you? >ALEXANDER >Shut up. >TOMMY >You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he was smart for a >second. Tom: We were never fooled. >ALEXANDER >You think you could do better "Laredo?" >TOMMY >Hey, watch that "Laredo" stuff. >GUY >We're screwed... We're so screwed... Crow: Thanks for getting that point through, pal. >JASON >Come on, come on, come on. If we wanna finish this mission we have to use some >self-control. >GWEN >Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Moon >Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!... >JASON >Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more supportive you might >have been able ... Crow (Gwen): Unsupportive?! ME?! >66 VALLEY BELOW - MINING OUTPOST >Below there is a small ABANDONED MINING FACILITY. Wind WHISTLES through various >structures and power stations. In the center of the outpost sits a large >shimmering boulder. >JASON >There it is. The Beryllium sphere. >ALEXANDER >Must be some sort of mining facility. >GWEN >Where are the miners? >GUY >Something BAD happened here. Mike: If he said that in a stuffy-nosed voice, I wouldn't be surprised. (Chuckie talks in a stuffy-nosed voice) >TOMMY >Will you relax? >Jason scans the area with a pair of binoculars and sees a number of rocky >spheres. >JASON >There they are – beryllium spheres. Let's go. >SuddenlyThey become aware of a SMALL BLUE CREATURE emerging from one of the >structures. It's blue and looks somewhat like a human child. It moves to a small >pool of water and begins drinking. Its movements are very quiet and tentative. >Then a few more BLUE CHILDREN emerge and join the first. The crew ducks behind >the rocks. >GWEN (smiling, amazed) >Look at that... Will you LOOK at that... They look like little children... >ALEXANDER >Could they be the miners? Tom: (alarm noise) Warning, lame joke ahead. >FRED >Sure. They're like, three years old. >ALEXANDER >MINERS, not MINORS. >He pronounces the two words exactly the same. Fred looks at Alex like he's >crazy. (Tom does swish noise) >FRED >You lost me. Mike: Well, that makes two of us. >GUY >I don't like this... I don't like this at all... >GWEN >Oh, they're so cute. >GUY >Of course they're cute NOW. But in a second they're going to turn MEAN and UGLY >somehow and then there are going to be a million MORE of them!... >Then another blue creature emerges. This one limps, its leg is hurt. It moves >forward, DRAGGING its bad foot along the ground, making NOISE. >EVERYONE >Awwww..... It's hurt... >Gwen rises up a little, tentatively waving at Limpy... Mike (screaming a la Limp Bizkit): You gotta have... Faith! Crow (Gwen): Fred, can I get your autograph? >GWEN >Hi! ... Hi there little guy... >Guy PUSHES her down behind the rock before the creatures notice. >GUY >Jesus, Did you guys ever WATCH the show!? >The BLUE CHILDREN turn toward Limpy, and begin whispering in an alien tongue... >ALIEN CHILDREN >Gorignak... Gorignak.... Nak nak! >GWEN >Aw, look. They're going to help the little one... >Indeed the others move to the hurt creature, cocking their heads to the side >empathetically... >Then suddenly we see the aliens SMILE with SHARP RAZOR TEETH, their mouths >SPREADING OUT IMPOSSIBLY ON THEIR FACES. They DESCEND on LIMPY, ripping him >apart. We only see a GEYSER OF BLOOD from the center of the blue circle.... Our >group is silent, horrified. >GUY >I am SO SICK of being right. Mike: Hey, beats being WRONG. >GWEN (stunned horror) >Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy. >JASON >Wait a minute. We're not going anywhere without a beryllium sphere. We need a >plan. >Reluctantly, they all nod in agreement. All (as the crew): Well DUH! >JASON >Fred, we need a diversion to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, >Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Tommy, get up on that ridge, and if >you see them come back, give me a signal. All right? >GWEN >Why does this sound so familiar? Crow (Jason): 'Cause it's a well-worn cliche, DUH. >TOMMY >"Assault on Voltareck III." Episode 81, I think. >GUY >We're doing episode 81? >TOMMY >Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire. Tom (Tommy): The lava monster! Crow (Guy): AAH!! >GWEN >How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram? >GUY >We're doing episode 81, Jason? >JASON >It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?! >GUY >BECAUSE I DIED IN EPISODE 31! Mike (Guy): I MEAN, 81! Tom: Jeez, you'd think they'd double check these things... Crow: 2 words: OCR trouble. (beat) Tom: Still, you'd think they'd have double checked. >FRED >Shh. Episode 51, right. We're doing episode 51, right. Crow (Guy): For all I could care, you could be doing ANY ep and it wouldn't make a difference! >ALEXANDER >(interrupting) >This is ludicrous. Crow: Disturbing Tha Peace! (the name of Ludacris' band) >Why are you listening to this fellow? Must I remind you that >he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's no more equipped to lead us than >THIS fellow. (motions to Guy) No offense. >Gwen peers around the corner toward the spheres. >GWEN >Look. They're gone. >GUY >Where'd they go, back inside? >GWEN >I don't know. Crow (Guy): Well, where could they be?... (makes getting attacked noise) >ALEXANDER >Nobody was watching? >JASON >All right. All right. Listen up. Here's the plan. Gwen, Fred, Alex and I will go >down and get a sphere. >Fleegman, Crow (random crew member): Who's Fleegman? >you set up a perimeter, and Tommy, you're the lookout. You see >anything at all, you give us a signal. All right? >TOMMY >What kind of a signal? >JASON >Any kind of signal. >TOMMY >Okay, I'll do my hands like this ... >And caw, caw, caw. >JASON >What are you, an infant? Crow (Tommy): Well, my last name isn't Pickles... (the others groan) Tom: I guess we all saw that coming. >Look. We have these. (shows the VOX) >TOMMY (chastened) >That – Sorry – >JASON >All right. Let's go. >EXT – THROUGH THE ROCKY DESERT to the mine >Jason is rolling in the dirt every few feet. Tom (a la Limp Bizkit): Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'... Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'... >GWEN >Does the rolling help. >JASON >Uh – huh. It helps. >GWEN >Where's your gun? >Jason stops and looks around for his gun. Alex and Gwen keep walking. >ALEX >It helps. >JASON >Shoot! Mike (Alexander): If you insist... *BANG* Crow (Jason): OW! MY LIVER! >Tommy looks through the binoculars, watching the group head toward the Beryllium >spheres. >TOMMY >Oh! >GUY >What? >They start running forward. >CUT TO: The sphere Crow: Starring Dustin Hoffman. >They start to roll the heavy sphere. Mike: And over Gary Sinise it goes. (Another ref to an unused "Snake Eyes" scene, used in a previous MSTing) >JASON >Never Give Up! Never Surrender! Tom (Jason): Boy, this is going easy, I don't see how anything can possibly go wrong! >GWEN, FRED AND ALEX TOGETHER >Oh, shut up! (All say that in unison) >Tommy looks through the binoculars, sees something and begins to run down the >hillside. >TOMMY >Caw, caw, Jason. They're coming – Run, Jason, run. Crow (a la Forrest Gump): Run, Jason, run! >The people pushing the sphere stop and look around. They see the blue meanies >appearing from behind every rock. >TOMMY >They're everywhere. They're everywhere. Mike (Tommy): It's the attack of the dot coms!... AAAAA! Tom: Dude! You ripped that off! Mike: Serves you right... >JASON >Come on. Let's go. Let's go. >They roll the sphere as fast as they can. >JASON >Hurry! >TOMMY >They're everywhere. Come on. >JASON >Don't look back! Don't look back! >GUY >We're not gonna make it. >Gwen stops and looks back, to see the blue babies closing in on them repidly. >She screams and rushes to catch up. >GUY >I knew it! I knew it! I knew this was gonna kill me. >JASON >Hurry! Go, go, go. Come on. Push. Let's go. Go. Mike: Brilliant strategy there Napoleon. >They shove the ball into the shuttle and Jason yells to go. >TOMMY >I got it. But it's gonna take a few seconds. >GUY (Holding the sphere) >I got it! I got it! >ALEXANDER >Go ahead! >JASON >There's no time. Get it. Get in. >ALEXANDER >Of course, I forgot, you've got to be the hero, haven't you? Heaven forbid >anybody else gets the spotlight! Oh, no, Jason Nesmith – >Jason punches Alexander out. Crow: Making Alan Rickman marginally more attractive. (A pair of Steven Savage MSTings have a similar riff. Batman and Robin and Fifth Element, more precisely.) >GWEN >Oh! Jason, Jason, come on! Hurry. >GWEN >Hurry! >JASON >Tommy, go! Go! I'm in! >Jason falls out of the back of the pod. >GWEN >Help! No, no, no! Jason, please. Tommy, stop the pod. Stop it. >TOMMY >I can't stop it. It's on autopilot. Tom: Like this whole film. >GUY >Go, leave him. >GWEN >NO! (All do the "Bismillah" sequence from "Bohemian Rhapsody") >EXT VIEW OF THE POD >The pod lifts off the ground, with a number of creatures clinging to it. >INT SHUTTLE POD >Gwen and Alexander look back out the window at Jason amid the creatures. >ALEXANDER >Oh! Right! Of course, it's always about YOU, isn't it! >The ship inexorably flies upwards. >Jason is lying on the ground and the creatures are gathered around him, talking. >We see subtitles. Tom (writer): Because *I* have the sense to make them speak alien tongues. NYAH! Crow: Though that doesn't necessarily make it any good... Tom: Prove it. Crow: Titan AE and The Phantom Menace. Tom: OK, I get your point. >CREATURE 1 >That's strange ... >CREATURE 2 >It looks like a child. >CREATURE 1 >What should we do? >CREATURE (OS) >Hit it with a rock ... and we'll eat it. >A creature raises a rock and strikes. >FADE TO BLACK Crow (Jason): Ow. That hurt. Mike: Might as well take a break here... (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) (On the counter: some sort of device that looks like a boom box. I'll let the guys explain it) Mike: What on earth is that? A boom box? Crow: No, it's just a radio jamming device I found. Tom: What's it good for? Crow: Jamming radio frequencies. DUH. Mike: Ooh, sweet, just like in "Batman Returns"... So how do we use it? Crow: We set it to the appropriate frequency and then put on what you want to jam in. That simple!... But I wouldn't wanna let anyone use it easily... You do know how it can be abused. (Suddenly... a general small rumble) Mike: Get me Rocket No. 9, quick! (Hey, that's the first I've had Mike say this in my MSTings... Oh well, everything has a first.) (Cut to outside view... a couple of space vessels of some sort are approaching earth) Crow: Shall I turn the boom box on? Mike: Hey, not all aliens are hostile... (A big rumble) Mike: Guess these aren't an exception. Tom: Looks like they're taking out earth's metropolises in general... We better stop them before they take out more than just the WTC. Mike: I guess we better turn your "boom box" on. Crow: Read my mind there, Mikey. Put this on will you? (referring to a tape that's conveniently on the counter) (Mike does this... it's a yodeling music tape) Mike: Yodeling music? How's that gonna help?! Crow: You gotta tune it in... Try military radio frequencies. Mike: Oh, right. (does that) (Then, the rumbles stop) Tom: Hey, I guess they're leaving... make that fleeing... Guess they were annoyed by all that yodeling. Mike: Where DID you such a clever idea? Crow: 2 words, temp: Mars Attacks. Mike: And how on earth did you think to look for them in military radio frquencies? Crow: Well, if you were in the army, blowing stuff up, YOU'D use those frequencies too, wouldn't you? Mike: Right... How convenient! Well, we'll be right back. (Note: Yes, that segment was cheesy. But hey, I had it in my mind for weeks before I wrote it and besides, MST3K is supposed to be laughably cheesy anyway.) (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (All re-enter the theater) Mike: Well, time to continue this Tim Allen travesty they call "Galaxy Quest"... Tom: Let's see how our crew is coming... >FADE IN >We find Jason lying on his back, eyes closed. He's still unconscious. Our POV >shifts to a monster, almost all teeth, looking down at us. Back to a view of >Jason, with the monster licking Jason's face with a huge tongue. Crow: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, they're a modern stoneage family... (The first thing that came to mind: Dino licking Fred Flinstone's face) >JASON >Oh, hey! >Jason rises quickly, struggling to get away. In the background we hear the >constant chanting of the creatures. They are saying "Gorignack, Gorignack." >INT SHIP TRANSPORTATION ROOM >Gwen, Guy, Tommy and Alexander run in. >GWEN (ON THE COMMUNICATOT) >Jason? Jason? Can you hear me? >JASON >Yeah, Gwen. You got me. Crow (Jason): ...babe. >GWEN >Thank God! Are you okay? >Yeah. As a matter of fatc I've got Gorignak staring me in the face right now. >But, you know what? I think I can take him. Mike: What, on a date? I dunno, he's not your type. >GWEN >Jason, we're going to use the digital conveyor to get you out of there. >JASON >The digital conveyor? >GWEN >Yeah. >JASON >You mean I'm gonna be diced into cubes and sent up there in a million pieces? >FRED >Right. Mike (Jason): Oh, ok then. Beam me up Scotty! >JASON >Well, you know what? I think I'll take my chances with Gorignak. >GWEN >We're getting you out right now. It's perfectly safe, isn't it, Teb? Crow (Teb): Yeah, safe as driving in a Pinto. (Mind you, that is practically the most unsafe car of the last half-century or so. Yes, including the Edsel. Ironically both made by Ford.) >TEB >It has never been successfully tested. >JASON >What did he say? >GWEN >Hold, please. >TEB >Theoretically, the mechanism is fully operational. However, it was built to >accomodate your Hm anatomy, not ours. But now that Sergeant Chen is here, he can >operate it. It was designed watching his motions from the historical documents. >FRED (STAMMERING) >I – I – I mean, I can't. I – I – I can supervise. Crow (Teb): What do you mean "supervise"?... >ALEXANDER >Jason, we're gonna test it. >JASON >On what? >TOMMY >How about that pig lizard? >JASON >Hey, I'm doing all right with the pig lizard. >GWEN >Please, Fred. And hurry. >TEB >(High-pitched squeal) >Everyone looks at him for breaking Fred's concentration. >TEB >I'm sorry. It's very exciting to watch the master at the controls. The operation >of the conveyor is more hmmm - hmmm art than science. Crow: Well, they say the same thing about hitting a homer. >GWEN >Stand back, Jason. >Fred adjusts the controls and zeroes in on the pig lizard. He aligns a square >over the image of the lizard, twists the controls and we CUT TO: >VIEW OF THE PIG LIZARD, SHUDDERING >Suddenly it sparks, flares and ... disappears. >INT Spaceship transportation room >The lizard suddenly materializes on the platform, but there is something wrong. >Its ribs are sticking up in the air. Tom (Fred, a la Homer Simpson): D'OH! Mike (random person): I'm *so* not going to Tony Roma's! (Tony Roma's is a restaurant chain that serves ribs as its main attraction) >The people in the room scream and groan. >JASON >What? What was that? >ALEXANDER >Uh – Nothing. >JASON >I heard some squealing or something. Tom: It's coming from the grossed-out audience. >GWEN >Oh, no. Everything's fine. >TEB >But the animal is inside out. >JASON >I heard that. It turned inside out? >The animal remains suddenly exploded. >TEB >And it exploded. >JASON >Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then it exploded? Hello? Mike (Fred): Yeah, what are you, deaf? >GWEN >Hold, please. >JASON >Hey, wait a minute. Guys. Guys. >JASON >If the pig lizard is gone, why are they still yelling "Gorignak"? >TOMMY >Teb, hit the translation circuit. >He does, and the chanting changes from "Gorignak" to "Rock". Crow: He's gonna lay the smack down on your ass! >GWEN >Jason. I don't think the pig lizard was Gorignak. >JASON >What the hell you talking about? >Jason hears a rumbling and slowly turns around to see the rocks gathering into a >walking shape. >JASON >Oh, darn. Mike: "Oh, darn"? What the heck were they doing, trying to get this down to PG-13?! >Jason takes off, with the rock monster hot on his tail. Crow: World's Least Scariest Monster Chases. This fall on FOX. >JASON >Digitize me! >GWEN >Come on, Fred. >FRED >Not me. >GWEN >Come on. They based it on your hand movements. >FRED >Am I the only one who saw that thing inside out? No, no, no, no. Crow (Queen): Mamma Mia Mamma Mia! >I –I – I'm not >that guy. I'm not Tech Sergeant Chen. I'm Fred Kwan and Kwan's not even my >middle name. >ALEXANDER >Fred's no good, Jason. You're just gonna have to kill it. >JASON >Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions. >TOMMY >Go for the eyes, like in episode 22. >JASON >It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy. Crow (Tommy): Oh yeah? How's it chasing you then, huh? >TOMMY >Go for the mouth or the throat, its vulnerable spots! >JASON >It's a rock. It doesn't have any vulnerable spots. >GUY >I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of >rudimentary lathe? Mike: Where's McGyver when you need him? >JASON >A lathe? Get off the line, Guy. Alexander, you're my advisor. Advise me. >ALEXANDER >Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its >motivation? >JASON >It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation. Mike: Same can be said for these actors. >ALEXANDER >See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft. >JASON >Oh! Fred, can you hear me? Fred, are you there? >FRED >Kinda. >JASON >You can do it, Fred. It's up to you. >FRED >Oh, no, no, no, Jason I'll just - I'll just mess it up. >JASON >You did it for four years on the show. Do it now. Tom: Sounds like something in a porn film huh? >FRED >That was on the show. I'm not that guy. >JASON >Fred, you never forgot a line. You never missed a mark. Crow (Jason): You never screwed up anything! ... Well, besides that pig lizard that is... >FRED >That's not me anymore, man. >JASON >It is you, Fred. You just stopped trying. You could do this, Fred. I know in my >heart, you're gonna save my life. >FRED >I am? >JASON >No doubt about it, Fred. Crow: Ah quit yappin' and get on with the show! >The door opens to the room and Fred sees Laliani. >JASON >Fred! >Laliani smiles at Fred. >JASON >Fred, can you hear me? Fred! >Suddenly Fred zips up his uniform, turns to the controls and, with a new-found >determination, sets to work. Crow (forced laughter): Ha Ha Ha. Mike (Fred, in a ridiculous voice): Okay! >JASON >Fred? I don't wanna die down here. Digitize me, Fred. >The rock monster falls directly on top of Jason. Crow (wrestling ref): One!... Two!... Hey! Where'd he go? >CUT TO: INT Transportation room. >Jason suddenly arrives on the platform. He's shirtless. >FRED >Oh, wow. >TEB >Tech Sergeant Chen. >JASON >Yeah! >Jason and Gwen hug, and Fred eyes Laliani. >JASON >Oh. >ALEXANDER >I see you managed to get your shirt off. Crow (Jason): Oh darn, get me a shirt will you? Sorry, didn't mean to... Tom (Alex): Yeah right. >FRED >I did it. >JASON >Welcome back, Fred. >JASON >All right. Did we get the beryllium sphere installed? Crow (Teb): Well, we tried but Fred here INSISTED he didn't need to read the instruction manual first... >TEB >Yes, we are back to full power. >JASON >Great! Engines and pods? >LALIANI >Fully operational. >JASON >Perfect! We'll crank this sucker up. You can drop us off, and you guys can be >back to your home planet before supper. >TEB >Oh, no, sir. We have no reason to go back. Crow (Teb): We all got drafted. >JASON >Sure you do. Family, friends, come on. >TEB >We are all that is left. >The crew members all look at each other. None of them were told. >JASON >I didn't know that. >TEB >Sir, I have raised the command deck. >JASON >(INTO COMMUNICATOR) >Mathasar, meet us up on the command deck. Mathasar. Mathasar, Quellek! Why can't >we reach them? Mike (Teb): Cause it's time to resume with our main plot arc again! >Suddenly, the door opens and Sarris' troops come in, fully armed. Then Sarris >enters. Guy faints. >INT COMMAND DECK >Jason is tossed into the room. All the other people are dragged in. MATHASAR is >strapped to a table. >MATHASAR >Commander. Thank God you're alive. Now you will face justice, Sarris. >SARRIS >At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination. Crow: Took the words out of my mouth there! >JASON >Leave him alone. >SARRIS >You wish to save the life of this man? >JASON >Yeah. Yes. >SARRIS >Then tell me – what does it do? This Omega 13. Mike (Jason): Well, it's basically a plot contrivance generator... Tom: And a screwy one at that. >JASON >I don't know what it does. >Sarris backs away, disbelieving. >JASON >I said I don't know. >Sarris shocks MATHASAR, who turns momentarily into his tentacled shape. Crow (Mathasar, really fakey): Ow. >SARRIS >Is it a bomb? >JASON >I don't know. >Sarris shocks MATHASAR again. Crow (again): Ow. >SARRIS >A booby trap? >JASON >I don't know. >SARRIS >Tell me. >JASON >I don't know. >SARRIS >Do you think I'm a fool? That the commander does not know every bolt, every weld >in his ship? Crow (Jason): I got it wholesale, you EXPECT me to know?! >(beat) Prepare a tear harness – for the female. >JASON >No, Gwen, no! >GWEN >You brute! Let go of me. >JASON >(GROANING) Mike: We been doing it for a while already. >I'm not the commander. >SARRIS >(SOFTLY) >What did you say? >JASON >I said I'm not the commander. >(getting up) >Leave them alone. There's no reason to hurt them. They don't know anything. Crow (Col. Klink, Hogan's Heroes): Dey don't know anytink! >SARRIS >Explain. >JASON >Gwen, show him the historical documents. >GWEN >Computer. Show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions. >An episode begins to play. Sarris watches, understanding. He begins by >chuckling, then laughing. >SARRIS >Wonderful. You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have. Mike (Jason): Comment all you want on our lame acting, Grinch... >Bravo. >Bravo. This is a moment I will treasure. Explain to him who you all really are. >Tell him. Explain! >JASON >Mathasar, the – there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason >Nesmith. I am an actor. We're all actors. >SARRIS >He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child. (Tom makes characterisitic Tim Allen "Huh?" noise) >JASON >We – uh – we pretended. We lied. >MATHASAR moans with comprehension. >SARRIS >Yes! You understand that, don't you, Mathasar? >JASON >Mathasar, I – I'm not a commander. I, uh. There's no National Space Exploration >Administration. We don't have a ship. Crow (Mathasar): Let me guess. Your funding got cut. >MATHASAR (pointing to screen) >But there it is. >JASON >That ship is that big (indicating two inches). >MATHASAR >But inside, I see many rooms. >JASON >You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere Crow (Jason): Was borrowed off the set of "Snake Eyes". (If theming many of your riffs around the same thing is a big faux pas in MSTing... then I've definitely commited lots of them.) >is – is >wire with plaster around it. And our (chuckle) our digital conveyor is Christmas >tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me. >MATHASAR >But why? >JASON >It's difficult to explain. On our planet we – uh – we pretend – to – to >entertain and - . Tom (Jason, suddenly shouting): Aw, we just make bull up! Is that so hard to understand?! >Mayhasar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry. >Mathasar gags. >Sarris >So now you know. Lieutenant Layhe. Hardwire the reactor core to overload. I >would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust. >MATHASAR >Sarris. What about my people? >Sarris >Yes! Far too simple a death for them, isn't it? Crow: Yeah, just submit them to this crapload over and over... Now THAT would be cool. >Lathe, open an oxygen seal on >level C. Let the air in a bit for our friends. >JASON >Son of a – >Jason jumps on Sarris, but Sarris hits him with the shocking device Mike: More easier than actually SHOCKING him... >and Jason >goes down. >Sarris >Release them – into space. >COMPUTER >Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in nine >minutes. Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden >The crew is being manhandled toward the airlock room. >GWEN >Hey! >ALEXANDER >Where's the happy ending, Jason? Never give up? Never surrender? >Jason watches a guard manipulate the door controls. He has an idea, >JASON (TO ALEXANDER) >Maybe it's about time you just backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity. Mike: If Queen sung a bit here, it'd be perfect... (One line in "Bohemian Rhapsody" is "Sparing his life from this monstrosity") >GWEN >Jason? >ALEXANDER >You what? >JASON >You're starting to act like you did in episode 17, you scene-stealing hack. Tom: 2 ROM chips they do what they did in this "episode 17"... whatever the hell that is. Crow: Sure. >Alexander tries to recall what happened in episode 17. That was so long ago. >Realization dawns slowly. Mike: Of course by the time it finally does, they're finding out just how hard it is to breath in space. >ALEXANDER >Oh, right. Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You murdered us all. >JASON >Shut up! >ALEXANDER >Hundreds to die just because of you. >JASON >I told you to shut up. >GUARD (COMING CLOSE) >Both of you – get in there. >ALEXANDER >Hundreds to die just because you wanna play a big commander. You raving lunatic. >JASON >Then I'll see you in hell, won't I? >Jason pushes Alexander, and they begin fighting, (During the fight: Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody") Mike: I see a silhouetto of a man. Tom + Crow: Scaramouche Scaramouche, will you do the fandango?... All: Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me! Mike: Galileo Galileo... >punching each other back and >forth across the room. The rest of the crew is watching astonished. They have no >idea what has gotten into these two. On one punch, Alexander aims Jason toward a >long pole-like device, which Jason picks up, unseen by the guard. He swings it >at Alexander, who ducks just in time, and the guard, right behind Alexander, is >a perfect target. Jason whacks him. Tom: Auditioning for "The Sopranos", are we? >ALEXANDER >Look out, Jason! >Alexander pushes the guard away. >JASON >Get his gun. Get the gun. >Alexander dives for the gun. >Guy jumps into the fray. >GUY >Take that! Crow (Guy): Boyzone... Spice Girls... Westlife... (more random Brit band names) >Guy throws the guard in the chamber, to join his fellow. Just as they aim their >weapons at the crew, the steel door suddenly comes down right on front of them. >The crew looks at the guards, and the guards look at the crew, neither side >capable of doing anything to the other. >Suddenly the door behind the guards opens and they are exposed to the vacuum of >space. In a second, they are sent flying out of the craft by the air in the >compartment. They are gone. (All make vacuum cleaner noise) (beat) Crow (handing over ROM chips): Well, that was a novel way of outsmarting some bad guys. >The crew turns to the door controls, and Fred is standing there, after pushing >the right buttons. >FRED >Sorry, I was – Door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my >boys up here with a can of WD-40. >Alexander hugs Fred, and the entire crew is happy, but they still have a >problem. Tom: Their acting is still lame. >The core is still going to explode. >JASON (TO ALEXANDER) >You used to pull your punches. >ALEXANDER >You scene-stealing hack? Thank you. >JASON >Raving egomaniac? >ALEXANDER >Can't think of where I got that from. Crow (Jason): What, did I hit your head or something? >GWEN >Guys. Look. >They see, on the monitor, the crew of the spaceship struggling to breathe. >GWEN >They're suffocating. >COMPUTER >Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in eight >minutes. >The crew races off. They have to do something. They just can't stand around. All: Well, DUH! Mike: Of course, if they just stood around, at least the acting would be decently better. >SARRIS' GUARD >General! Your transport is ready for departure. >Sarris turns away from Mathasar and leaves. >COMPUTER >Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosiaon estimated in seven >minutes. >GWEN >Computer. Shut down the core. Crow (Computer): Ummm, No! >COMPUTER >Unable. Memory checksums invalid. Core system's hardware damaged. >JASON >All right. Listen up. This is what we gotta do. >Gwen, you and I we're gonna get to the core and shut it down manually. >Fred, take Guy and Laliari. You find that valve. Shut it off before those >Thermians run out of air. >Alexander, get to the barracks. Wedge a door open, in case they can't do that. >ALEXANDER >Okay. >TOMMY >Wait, Jason. What about me? What do I do? >JASON >You're gonna practice driving. Let's go! >TOMMY >Practice driving. Crow (Tommy): Hey, beats helping Steve Martin with a tank. (Ref to Daryl Mitchell's role in Sgt. Bilko -- Mitchell plays Tommy here.) >Jason and Gwen are making their way through the hallways. >GWEN >So we get to shut down a neutron reactor. >JASON >That's right. >GWEN >I hate to break it to you, Jason, but I don't know how to shut down a neutron >reactor, and unless you took a learning annex course I don't know about, I'm >pretty sure you don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor either. >JASON >Mo, I don't. But I know someone who does. >Jason flicks open his interstellar VOX Mike (Jason, a la "Millionaire" contestant): I'm gonna phone a friend. (Tom does "Millionaire's" dramatic music) >CUT TO EXT BRANDON'S HOUSE >INT BRANDON'S BEDROOM >His mother knocks on the door and opens it. >MOM >Brandon, honey. Garbage. >BRANDON (LOOKING THROUGH A MAGNIFIER) >Mother, I'm quite busy. >MOM >Come on, Brandon. Don't make me ask you again. >BRANDON >Just ten more minutes. Okay, Ma, I promise. >MOM >Great. Crow (Mom, under breath): What a nerd! >Brandon hears a soft beep. He doesn't know where it's coming from. He looks in >the drawer, then he hears a soft voice. >JASON >(BEEP) Hello? Anybody there? ... Hello. >BRANDON (HESITANTLY) >Hello? Crow (carrying with the WWTBAM theme): This is Regis Philbin, from "Who Wants to be A Millionaire?". >JASON (TO GWEN) >Got him. >(TO BRANDON) >Listen to me. This is Jason Nesmith. I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, NSEA >Protector. We accidentally traded VOXes the other day when we bumped into each >other. Tom: Thanks for needless exposition. >Brandon now knows where the voice is coming from. He reaches for the VOX. >BEANDON >Oh? Oh, Commander, I see. >He picks up the VOX. >BRANDON >Okay. >JASON >What's your name, son? >BRANDON >Brandon. >JASON >Brandon, I remember you, from the convention, right? You asked all those little >technical questions about the ship ... And I was a little short with you? Tom: Geez, could you please quit with the needless exposition? >BRANDON >Yes, I - I know, Commander, and I actually wanna – I just wanted to tell you >that I - I though a lot about what you said. >JASON >It's okay. Now listen. >BRANDON >But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand >completely that it's just a TV show. Tom (Jason): Glad to see you've come to your senses... Hey! >JASON >Hold on, wait a minute – >Brandon continues. >JASON >Wait a minute. Stop. Stop for just a second. Stop. Wait. It's all real. >BRANDON >Oh, my God! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! Mike (Jason): Haha, gotcha! Loser. >JASON >The crew and I are in a lot of trouble, and we need your help. Crow (Regis Philbin): You have 30 seconds to answer a question for him. Got that? >CUT TO: >Alexander is sneaking around a corner in the passageway. >COMPUTER >Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in six >minutes. >Alexander ducks into a doorway as guards come around the corner in front of him. >Suddenly he hears a gasp and a light scream coming from above him. Tom: It's the collective voice of the audience. >He takes a >defensive stance, then notices that it's one of the Thermians. He somehow >recognizes the creature. Crow (script writer): Yes, I know I'm using a stupid plot convenience. >QUELLEK >Sir, it's you. Thank Ipthar! >ALEXANDER >Quellek? What are you doing up there? Tom (Quellek): Uh... trying to play monkey bars? >Quellek leaps down, activating his appearance generator, and he comes into the >frame as a human. >QUELLEK >I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth face. Mike (Quellek): In short, I just hid in the ceiling. Suckers! Crow (Alexander): Hey, whatever works. >Alexander feels, hey, whatever works. Mike + Tom: Look who's reading ahead NOW! >QUELLEK >Where is everyone? >ALEXANDER (TAKING THE GUN) >Come with me. I'll explain on the way. Tom (Alexander): So we can avoid unnecessary exposition. >CUT TO: >Another part of the ship. Gwen and Jason are making their way through the ship >with the guidance from Brandon. >JASON (INTO THE VOX) >All right. We're at level C, hallway five. Now what? >BRANDON >Um – go to weapons storage, your second left, through the passage. And that >leads to a system of utiliti corridors through the bowels of the ship. >JASON (TO THE DOOR MECHANISM) >Open! >BRANDON >You know. I'm gonna get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than >anyone else alive. >CUT TO: >Guy, Fred and Laliani coming around a corner, Guy holding a gun at the ready. >GUY >... 38, 39, 40. >They reach a doorway. Mike (Fred): What the hell comes after 40? >FRED >All we have to do is turn off the valve to the barracks. >They look through the window to see that the room is filled with Sarris' guards, >sitting around chatting. They can't get to the valve, and the situation appears >hopeless. >CUT TO: >INT BRANDON'S BEDROOM, COMPUTER SCREEN >Kyle is on the screen. >KYLE >Hi, Brandon. >BRANDON >No time for pleasantries, Kyle. We have a level five emergency. You still got >the utility systems walk-through, right? Crow (South Park's Kyle): Yeah, I'm looking at it with Cartman. Mike (Kyle): Cartman, your fat ass won't go through those holes!... Crow (Cartman): Ayy, I'm not fat! >KYLE >Yeah. I've got sectors one through twenty-eight. I think Hollister has the upper >levels. >BRANDON >Great. I'll get everybody on-line. (Crow makes getting disconnected noise) Tom (Brandon): Damn! Where's reliable Internet service when you need it?! (On my computer, it's a click sound of the modem, but enough anecdote, back to the MSTing.) >CUT TO: COMMAND DECK – TOMMY >Tommy is watching the historical documents and practicing "driving". Crow (Tommy): Outta my way, you jerk! (Honk) >LAREDO (ONSCREEN) >Pedal to the metal, Commander. >TOMMY >Pedal to the metal, Commander. Crow: Once again, do we really need the same line TWICE? >SARRIS' SHIP >LATHE >General! I have just received word that the commander of the Protector and his >command crew have escaped custody. >SARRIS >What? >Suddenly the windshield of the spacecraft is wetly struck by the body of one of >Sarris' guards. He glances at it dispassionately, then turns back to his >Lieutenant. >SARRIS >Find them! >LATHE >But sir! My men! The core implosion – >SARRIS (ANGRILY) >FIND THEM!! >CUT TO: JASON AND GWEN >JASON >All right, Brandon. I see five ducts in this room. Which way do we go? >BRANDON >Enter the passage second to your left. And just continue straight for 50 meters. >GWEN >Ducts? Why is it always ducts? Mike: I dunno, 'cause you've been doing it in your "Aliens" films?... >BRANDON >Uh = there will be a slight drop. Crow (Brandon): Just like your careers. >Too late – Jason and Gwen slide down rapidly. Gwen screams, but they land >harmlessly into a passageway. >JASON >Thanks for the heads-up, Brandon. >(TO GWEN) >You okay? >CUT TO: >Alexander and Quellek, reaching the doorway, where they can see the ship's crew. >QUELLEK >They're dying. Tom (Alexander): Well, DUH... >CUT TO: >Jason and Gwen. They reach a catwalk without guard rails. Tom: Time for a fashion show! >JASON >Wait a minute. We gotta go across this thing? >BRANDON >Yes. >JASON >Don't look down. >BRANDON (EXCITEDLY) >What I'd give to see what you're seeing! >What Gwen sees, looking down, is a slowly rotating fan that spans the entire >core that they're crossing. Mike (Brandon): I'm a big fan of fans, excuse the pun. >JASON >What are you talking about? >BRANDON >You[re deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13! Oh, it must be spectacular! >GWEN >It – it doesn't look like much to me. There's just these few walls and this dumb >spinning fan that we have in every single – >Jason looks up and a look of incredulity crosses his face. He points and Gwen >looks up, too.= >What they see is the inner works of the Omega 13, nodules, spinning and glowing, >jets of light shooting throughout it. Tom: Cue cool yet cheesy special FX shot here. >JASON >Brandon. What does the Omega 13 device do? >BRANDON >Uh, many have believed that it is a matter collapser, a bomb capable of >destroying pretty much everything in about 13 seconds. Mike (Brandon): Some believe it scuffs everyone's hairdo in a 13 mile radius. >But myself and others are >convinced that what is it – >JASON >We gotta go - go! >BRANDON >is a matter rearranger, affecting a 13 second time jump to the past. >GWEN >Why 13 seconds? That's really not enough time to do anything of any importance. Tom (Gwen): Except maybe pummeling down a guy you know is going to shoot you. (wink wink) Crow: Hey Tom, are you foreshadowing here? Tom: Yeah, so? Crow: I'm gonna bet 2 ROM chips on that. Tom: OK. >JASON >It'd be time enough to redeem a single mistake. >GWEN >What? Mike (Jason): You know, like pummeling down a guy you know is going to shoot you. Tom: Mike... could you *please* not ripoff my riffs? Thank you. >Suddenly laser blast around them and Jason and Gwen have to move – Hason fires >back as he ducks around the bend. >JASON >Go, go, go, go. >CUT TO: >Fred, Guy and Laliani, outside the door/ >FRED >We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone. >GUY >Listen. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I've got this (referring to the >gun). I'm okay. I'm gonna be able to hold 'em back long enough for the aliens to >escape. >FRED >That's suicide. Mike (Fred): You can't do that! That's how I'M getting out of this movie! Give me the gun! >GUY >I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm gonna die, I'd >rather go out as a hero than a coward. Crow: Gee. How original. >FRED >Guy. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that? Crow (Fred): Except you're not comic... Mike (ditto): Nor relief. >GUY >Plucky? Tom: Try "annoying". Mike: Three words: Jar Jar Binks. >FRED >Oh, besides (chuckle) I just had thie really interesting idea. >GUY >Are you stoned? Crow (Beavis-ish Fred): Sure, I use hemp all the time, heh heh... Tom: Time-out, am I the only person who's noticed that this "Guy" hasn't done anything important but annoy the others? Mike: It ain't you... Tom: Good. >CUT TO: >Alexander and Quellek >ALEXANDER >Gotta get her up, and give them some time. >QUELLEK >Sir – perhaps together – the Mak'tar chant of strength: Larak tarath. Crow (Alexander): Hey, whatever works. >Alexander figures it's worth a try. And it might just work. >TOGETHER (PULLING ON THE DOOR) >Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Mike: Little does Quellek know, it's actually a swear word in Mak'tar. >The door comes open slightly, but it's not enough. Crow (Alexander): Hey, what gives?! >CUT TO: >Jason and Gwen >JASON >All right, Brandon. We're across. Now what? >BRANDON >You wanna take a left and then just straight on through the chompers. >GWEN >The chompers??? >They turn a corner and see the chompers, a set of large pieces of metal that are >rhytmically clapping together, waiting to crush anything that comes between >them. >GWEN >Well, screw that! Mike (Jason): Sure, I'll need a Philips head for that. Crow: Knowing him, he's gonna get hit so hard he'll need more than a couple of Advil to shake it off. >JASON >How are we supposed to get through this? >BRANDON (TO HOLLISTER) >Hollister, do you have the sequence yet? >HOLLISTER >Okay, the sequence is – two-two-four-two- >GWEN >What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch >of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway! Mike (Jason): Let's see... it beats having guards! >Guards catch up to them. They have to move NOW! >GWEN >We shouldn't have to do this. It makes no logical sense! Mike: Neither does this film... >Why is it here! >JASON >Because it's on the television show. >GWEN >Well, forget it! I am not doing it! This episode was badly written. Mike: Same for the film. >BRANDON >Okay, Commander. Now, as soon as the first crusher hits you >JASON >It just did. >BRANDON >Okay. Go NOW. Go! >JASON >Go! Stop! Go! Wait a minute! Go! Go! Come on. Come on. Come on. >Jason drops his gun and it gets crushed like a piece of butter. >They reach the end. >BRANDON >Jump, commander. Jump! >They do, just in time, for flames shoot up out of the floor. Mike (wrestler in Ready to Rumble): Watch out for the Pyro! >GWEN >Whoever wrote this episode should die. Mike: Whoever wrote this FILM should die. Crow: We all get it, Mikey... this is a lame film. >CUT TO: >Fred, Guy and Laliani >Fred is setting up the digital conveyor. >FRED >This should be interesting. Tom: I hope so, we're desparate for ANYTHING to happen now. >He zeroes in on the Rock Monster and manipulates the controls. >INT THE CHAMBER Mike (Random Guard) I'm gonna live a long, fulfilling life... >The guards are sitting around when suddenly there is a flash. The Rock Monster >appears in their midst and they all stare for a few seconds. Then they all begin >shooting at it, to no effect. >FRED >It's the simple things in life you treasure. Tom: And it's the bad movies you loath. >GUY >That's great. Now we better get - >Laliani and Fred look at each other, then Lalaini grabs Fred and kisses him. >GUY >Hey, get a room, guys. >Then she massages him with tentacles. Fred smiles and gives himself up to it. >GUY >Whoa! Hey, Fred. Hey, Fred! >They fall to the floor. >Whatever they are doing is not visible, but – >GUY >Hey, that's not right! Oh. Tom: Now THAT made my day. >CUT TO: The Rock Monster >It chases them out of the room and down the halls, until it breaks through the >side of the ship, thrusting them all into space. The Rock Monster seems to have >a smile on its "face" as it sees itself becoming a planet. Mike: Nah, he's just glad to be out of this film! >Fred makes it into the room and opens the valve. >QUELLEK >Sir! The pressure! It's normalizing. >ALEXANDER >All right! >The door opens and they enter to help the people. >TEB >We are saved! >EVERYONE >He has saved us! >Alexander marches forward to receive his praise. >YEB >Commander Taggart has saved us. Mike (Alexander): D'oh! >ALEXANDER >It's just not fair. Crow: Alexander then proceeds to pummel everyone. Tom: If he had a gun, he'd go postal on them. >ALEXANDER (AFTER A SHORT MOMENT) >All right, Quellek, let's get back to the commander. >A laser blast hits Quellek in the chest. >QUELLEK >I'm – I'm shot. Crow (singing): Right through with a bolt of blue. (Bizarre Love Triangle) Tom (Alexander): No kidding... Look at the wound! >He falls. The guard who shot him advances, raises his gun to get off another >shot, but he misses, Then his gun jams. (Crow makes air guitar noise) >Alexander and others manage to get Quellek out of the line of fire. >AKEXANDER >Quellek? >He looks at the wound. >ALEXANDER >That's not too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters, and you'll be fine. Mike (Alexander, to Teb): You got any body bags around here? >QUELLEK >It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. I have been blessed, sir – I, I >– >ALEXANDER >Don't speak, Quellek. Tom (Alexander, singing): I know what you're thinking... (No Doubt's "Don't Speak") >QUELLEK >You'll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we never before met, I >always considered you as a father to me. >ALEXANDER >Quellek. By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged. Tom (Alexander): Now excuse me while I pound that stupid jerk! >Quellek dies, and Mike: ... so does the last shard of decency in this film. Tom: It died a long time ago! Crow (script writer, nutty): The situation's serious now, HUH, HUH? >Alexander feels the fires of anger well up inside him. He >stands, goes out into the hall and charges the armed alien, with no regard for >his own safety. Fortunately the gun is still jammed. Alexander reaches the man >and pounds him to the deck. Mike (wrestling ref): One! Two! Three! Ding ding ding! >CUT TO: >Jason and Gwen >GWEN >... 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19! >JASON >All right, Brandon. How do we shut this thing down? >BRANDON >Okay! Just push the blue button. >JASON >The blue button. Is that it? >BRANDON >Yeah. Why? What's wrong? >JASON >Nothing. I just thought it'd be more complicated than that. Mike (Jason): Wait, is there more than one blue button? Tom (Brandon): Nope, there's just one... Mike (Jason): Haha, gotcha! Loser. >As Jason raises the lid, the computer gives an update. >COMPUTER >Core implosion estimated in 20 seconds. >Jason pushes the button, but the clock keeps counting down. Jason pushes the >button again and again. Mike (Computer): What are you doing Jason? (This is Ben's riff, I guess it's a ref to 2001's HAL, either that, or the computer in Airplane 2, which definitely says this) >JASON >Brandon, it's not working. Brandon. >CUT TO: >EXT BRANDON'S HOUSE >He is carrying out the garbage, with his mother standing guard. He puts the >Garbage into a trash can. >BRANDON >Mother, I cannot stress enough the severity of the commander's predicament. >MOM >Don't forget the recyclables! >Brandon runs back to resort the trash/ >CUT TO: >Jason and Gwen, watching the closk steadily go down. >COMPUTER >Core implosion estimated in ten seconds. Nine ... eight ... >JASON >Gwen, I – Tom: ...just LOVE the taste of pork rinds! >COMPUTER >... seven ... six ... five ... four ... >GWEN >Jason. Oh, Jason. >They hug for one last time. >COMPUTER >... three ... two ... one ... Tom: Kablowie!! Hasta la vista, lousy actors! >Nothing happens! Tom: D'oh! >They look at the clock and see it has stopped on one. >GWEB >It always stops at one on the show. Tom (Jason, exasperated): Jeez. >They laugh with relief. >Jason turns to leave. They have wsork to do. >GWEN >Um, what were you saying? Mike (producer): You have work to do! Got that?! Now shoo! >CUT TO: >Sarris' ship >LATHE >Sir! >SARRIS >What? >LATHE >The core detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted. Tom: Thank you for the exposition. >SARRIS >Impossible! Impossible! Lock a complement of implosion missiles under the >Protector. Tear her apart. >IN PROTECTOR >The Thermians and the Earthlings are fighting the invaders, and they are >winning. Alexander marches through the fray, striking out at any of the enemy >who make a move. Jason catches up with him, as he is beating up one of them. >JASON >He's finished, Alexander. Listen to me. It's okay. It's okay. The Thermians can >handle it from here. We gotta go. Come on. >Alexander's reptile headgear has come askew, but he doesn't seem to notice – and >neither does anyone else. >INT COMMAND DECK >Jason, Gwen and Alexander arrive at the command deck on the run. >JASON >We need that armor back up! Get me a forward view right now! Crow (Wilson): Hidey Ho, neighbor Tim! Tom (Commander): Wilson, what are you doin' on my screen?! >Alexander hurriedly takes his place at the console. >ALEXANDER >Plasma armor: engaged. >There is a rumbling throughout the ship. >JASON >All right, Tommy, see if you can lose 'em in thast minefield/ >GUY >Mi – Mine field?!? >JASON >Pedal to the metal! Right now! >TOMMY >Pedal to the metal! >GUY >All right, let's go! >EXT VIEW of the Protector going into the cloud. Tommy is doing a lot better at >avoiding the magnetic mines. (All make car honk noises, vrooms, etc. General traffic noise, in a nutshell.) >JASON >Good going, Tommy! Great going! >ABOARD SARRIS' SHIP >SARRIS >Thrust ahead – full! Into the field/ GO! >EXT VIEW OF SARRIS' SHIP ENTERING THE FIELD. >CUT TO: COMMAND DECK OF THE PROTECTOR >JASON >Tommy, can you get us closer to those mines? >TOMMY >Closer??? >Jason looks at Tommy with a slight smile on his face/ Tommy's mind clicks, (Tom makes a computer mouse click noise.) Crow: My plot contrivance senses are tingling! >and >he grins broadly. >TOMMY >I could try – >ABOARD SARRIS' SHIP >LATHE >General, I've lost them. The magnetism of the mine field is disrupting our >instruments. >Sarris turns away in disgust. Mike: The general reaction of the audience to this film. >LATHE >Wait! I see something. >(Pointing) >Yes, yes! There they are. >SARRIS >Get back on their tail. >LATHE >I can't, sir. >SARRIS >What? Why not? >LATHE >Because they're coming right at us. Mike: (cymbal punchline noise) >SARRIS >Fire at will! Crow (random alien): Uh, where's Will? >INT PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK >GUY >Whoo! We're getting hammered, Tom (Alexander): Hey, that's my bloody line! >Jason/ Return fire? >JASON >No! Divert all energy to the armor! >SARRIS >How adorable! The actors are going to play war with me. >GWEN >Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at mark 2. >JASON >Accelerate to mark 4. >The ships are heading toward each other at a rapid rate. Mike: It's the fastest game of "Chicken" ever. >SARRIS >Let me reminf you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, >then you are making a deadly mistake. Mike (Sarris): Don't you think appearing in this film was big enough a mistake? >JASON >Well, let me tell you something, Sarris. It doesn't take a great actor to >recognize a bad one. You'rfe sweating. >GWEN >Armor almost gone, Jason! >SARRIKS >You fool! You Failed to realize that, with your armor gone, my ship will tear >through yours like tissue paper. >JASON >And what you fail to realize is that my ship is ... Tom: Lemme guess, dragging mines. >dragging mines. Tom: Mmm-hmmm. >EXT PROTECTOR >As the ship passes below our POV we see that, behind it, attracted to the ship's >metal but not able to catch up, are hundreds of the mines. All: (panting noises) >SARRIS >Oh, no! Turm! Turn! >Too late! The group of mines heads right for Sarris' ship, tearing it apart. We >see Sarris run away from the forward part of the command center and stop before >a console. Then the ship explodes, lighting up space with a huge fireball. >GWEN >We did it! >Everyone cheers at the total destruction of the enemy ship. All (commital): Yay. >TGOMMY >Yes! Yes! >Jason chuckles, then Mathasar comes through the door to the command center, >walking with a crutch. >JASON >Mathasar! Oh, my God. You're alive. >They hug/ >JASON >Come here. >MATHASAR (LAUGHING) >The ship was a model as big as this. A very clever deception, indeed! Crow (random Thermian): Uh... whatever... >The entire Thermian crew cheers and laughs. >TOMMY >Set a course for home, Commander? >JASON >Can you do that? >YOMMY >Oh, yeah. Just point and click. Mike (Tommy): Ah, the beauty of Windows. >But we're gonna have to go through the bnlack >hole. >JASON >Any objections? Mike: Hey, they're gonna be squeezed into oblivion, how could WE object? >No one objects at all. >JASON >All right, set her up. >Jason notes that Mathasar has a sad look on his face/ >JASON >What's the matter, Mathasar? >MATHASAR >We were hoping you could come with us. M-my people have no commander. >JASON >Mathgasar, I think your people have a great commander. >Then he gives Mathasar the Falaxy Quest salute and bow. Mathasar's people also >salute and bow. >Mathasar whimpers and Teb salutes and bows. Crow (script writer): But enough with the salutes and bows, let's go on. >JASON >All right, Tommy. Take us into the black hole. >Tommy manipulates the controls like an old pro, and the ship enters the vortex. >On the other side – >GWEN >We're out. >GUY >We're going home/ >COMPUTER >Systems register functional/ >GWEB >All systems are working, Commander/ >ALEXANDER >Jason. Before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarris' ahip. Crow (Jason): Radioactive prosthetics, now that's new. >JASON >Let's not worry about that right now, Alexander. >(seeing Fred enter) >Fred, what are you doing up here? Shouldn't you be downstairs until we dec – >(seeing Fred pull out as gun) >Hey, you know, you can put an eye out with that thing ... Fred? >Fred shoots Jason! Then he switches off a ?VOX, which he used to alter his >appearance, and he becomes – he is - Sarris! >Sarris shoots Tommy, Gwen, Alexander, and Jason sees them fall. Tom: (bowling pin noise) >These are the >people he loves, he realizes, Mike (script writer): As if that mattered. >so he musters the last of his strength to call >out. (Crow makes phone ring noise) >JASON >Mathasar! Activate the Omega 13! >Mathasar rises and turns it on, which brings an activate button up in front of >Jason. He presses the button. The Omega 13 sends a signal throughout the >universe and - time flips backwards. All: PLOT DEVICE! Mike: Literally. Tom (Mrs. Neutron): You can have just one cookie.... Crow (Jimmy Neutron): Don't mind if I do. (Last 2 lines inspired by the Jimmy Neutron short Cookie Time. See it at www.jimmyneutron.com and you'll know what I mean.) >GWEN >We're out. >GUY >We're going home. >Jason is the only one who remembers what went on just a few seconds before. >COMPUTER >Systems register functional/ >GWEN >All systems are working, Commander. >ALEXANDER >Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship. Mike: Repeated lines... a sure sign of lazy writing. >Now Jason knew what that surge indicates. He watches the door that Fred will >come through. >As Fred enters, Jason charges him, knocks the gun out of his hand and beats him >to the ground. Tom: That's something I'd like to do to the whole cast of this debacle... Crow: Ahem, my chips please? (Tom hands ROM chips back) >His crew, not knowing who it really was, can't understand why >their Commander is going berserk. Mike: He's in a lame film. Get used to it. >GWEN >Jason! What are you doing? What are you doing? Crow (Jason): I'm *POW* beating *POW* the crap *POW* out of *POW* Fred! What does it look like I'm doing?!? >JASON >Let go of me/ Let – It's not Fred. That's Sarris. Listen to me. I'm telling you, >that's not Fred. That's Sarris. He's going to try to kill all of us. Tom: Yeah, right. >"Fred" turns into Sarris and rises from the deck. Deprived of his gun, he pulls >a huge knife and lunges at Jason, when he's suddenly struck a blow from the side >and goes down. Inconscious. >It's Mathasar who has done the deed with his crutch. Crow (Mathasar): Never give up, never surrender. >MATHASAR >Never give up – never surrender. Crow: HEY! Mike: Without the crutches, Mathasar then collapses. (Mathasar) Ow, my leg! Tom: Of course, this film collpased a looong time ago. >TOMMY >Jason! Jason! I can't slow it down! >MATHASAR >Our ship is too big to enter the atmosphere. We need to separate or we will die. Crow: Maltan Siamese Twins syndrome. (A pair of Siamese twins, born in Malta, needed an operation to separate them... problem was, one of them died, which was inevtiable.) >JASON >We gotta do it. It's our only hope, Mathasar. Thank you. >MATHADAR >Crew to the secondary deck. >GWEN >Mathasar. >He turns and she throws him a kiss. >MATHASAR >Goodbye, my friends. >GWEN >Fred. Get up to the command deck. We're separating. >Fred and Laliani are running through the hall when they meet Mathasar. Hed sees >that they are holding hands and smiles, sending them on their way. An >ambassador! Crow: If she's got annoying twins as grandchildren, I'm definitely gonna vomit. (Ref to Passport to Paris... main character was an ambassador, also the grandpa of twins... played by the ever-annoying Olsens.) >The ships separate and Mathasar takes command of his part. >MATHASAR >On, Teb. On. Mike: Thank you Mathasar. Now can we PLEASE enjoy whatever's left of the film? Thank you. >The command portion of the ship is entering the atmosphere dangerously fast. >CUT TO: BRANDON'S HOUSE – INT LIBING ROOM >Brandon'e mom and dad are on the couch, reading newspapers, and watching TV. >TV >This is the third day of the Galaxy Con, and Jason Nesmith and his entire crew >are no-shows here at the big event. Much to the disappointment of all these >fans, known as Questoids. Tom (Reporter): Or, as they're more commonly called, morons. >BRANDON >'Bye. Be back soon. >MOM >Wait a minute. Hey, Bramndon, where are you going with all those fireworks? >BRANDN >Well, the Protector got super accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it >site – nailed the atmosphere at mark 16, which, you guys know, is pretty >unstable obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox >ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman Candles for visual confirmnation, >MOM >A-All right. Dinner's at seven. >Brandon leaves and Mom turns to Dad. Tom (Mom): What a maroon! >MOM >Well, he's outside. >DAD >Hmmm. >The ship is plunging through the atmosphere. Roman candles are flying up from >the convention parking lot, Brandon is standing there holding the vox as high as >he can. >The ship comes in over the horizon and skims over Brandon, so close that its >wind blast knocks him to the ground. All (U2 singing): It's a beautiful DAYYYY... (The Beautiful Day video has airplanes flying right over U2's heads, sort of like here) >It lands in the parking lot at a high rate of speed, taking out a number of >cars, then continues on through the building, ending ujp at the stage, where it >settle in a cloud of smoke and dust. >The crowd waits to see what will happen next. The door to the craft opens with a >hiss. The announcer takes his place at the microphone. Tom: Lemme guess, Brandon and the others are here. >Brandon, Kyle and their >friends enter the hall. Tom: Mmm-hmm. >Tommy ecits the craft, coughing. >ANNOUNCER >Lieutenant Laredo – Tommy Webber! Hi, Tommy! >The beautiful Tawny Madison, Gwen DeMarco. Yes! Yes! Wow! What effects! >Guy comes out, hair askew/ >ANNOUNCER >Another shipmate! Yes, the more the merrier! >The ship's Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan, and a friend! >Doctor Lazarus – Alexander Dane! >We see Sarris waking up. Tom (Sarris, drunk): Man, had such a bad hangover... >ANNOUNCER >Give a big hand – he's British! Yeds, sir! >Commander Peter Quincy Taggart – Jason Nesmith! >JASON >Great driving, Tommy. >BRANDON >Yeah! Yes! >Suddenly, Sarris comes out, with a huge gun. The crowd reacts to him. >JASON >Quick! Quick, quick. Go, go, go. >He grabs Tommy's gun, rolls away from Sarris , takes aim and fires. Sarris is >hit and immediately dissolves into nothingness. The crowd cheers. Mike: That's IT?! Crow: What's next, Satan going down by a shotgun? (Reference to lame Winona Ryder horror flick, Lost Souls) Tom: At least it beats defusing a nuke by tripping on an electric cord. Sheesh! Who thought that up? (This happens in Naked Gun 2 1/2) >ANNOUNCER >Come on, give it up for the crew, the N.S.E.A Protector! All (Crowd): BOOOOO!!! >Jason walks up and takes Gwen's hand, then they hug, and kiss, and Jason leans >over her for a deep kiss. >ANNOUNCER >Ah, true love. Yes! > >One of the girls in the audience faints. Crow: Well, WE'D faint too if we were subjected to this ALL DAY!... >ANNOUNCER >They're here for you folks. Give it up! What a show! >Jason raises his hands and the crows cheers him. Then he spots Brandon and his >crew, and salutes them. >ANNOUNCER >Come on give it up. Give it all up – Crow (random fan): Including our clothes, too? (Mike spit-takes) >for the crew of your favorite show, Galaxy >Quest! >Jason beckons to his crew to come forward to take their bows, the first time he >has ever done this, and they are momentarily confused. They step forward and bow >in unison. >JASON >Come on! Come on! >ANNOUNCER >Don't forget to buy the Galaxy Quest T-shirts on yur way out. Thank you. >CUT TO: >The opening scene for Galaxy Quest, Announcer voiceover. >ANNOUNCER >And now, back again after 18 years, the New Adventures of Galaxy Quest. Tom: With sidekicks Hadji and Race Bannon. Crow (Announcer): God save us all... >On-screen subtitles: >Jason Nesmith as Commander Peter Quincy Taggert >Alexander Dane as Dr. Lazarus Mike: Just like the real Lazarus, he just won't die. >Gwen DeMarco as Lt. Tawny Madison >Fred Kwan as Tgech Sgt. Chen >Jane Doe as Laliari >Tommt Webber as Laredo >And introducing Guy Fleegman as Security Chief "Roc" Ingersol Crow (Guy): Never give up. Never surrender. Never play a guy who doesn't have a last name. Tom (Guy): And especially one with a football shaped head. (The main character of "Hey Arnold!" has such a weird head.) Mike: Ingersol -- for headache relief. (beat) Let's get outta here. (In case you wonder why I made so many references to "Hey Arnold!" during this MSTing... it's because I'd just discovered what is probably the best fansite for that show around. It's at http://www.hey-arnold.com .) (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Tom: Well, that wasn't so bad... Crow: Yeah, it's really enjoyable... but for all the wrong reasons. Mike: Hey, whaddaya mean wrong? Crow: Well, it IS apparent they wanted this to be a spoof of Star Trek, and it showed so much. Instead it ended up like another Mars Attacks, unintenionally funny due to all that lame acting! Tom: I wouldn't even call that "acting"... more like OVERacting... Mike: Well, wasn't that the whole point? You do know that "Star Trek" is basically the home of overacting... Two words: Willam Shatner. Crow (Spock): Fascinating. (normal) But still, it's LAME overacting. Tom: Yeah, you can't exactly enjoy a guy having a fuss over the fact his character never had a last name. You don't see Toran Caudell or Philip Van Dyke complaining about how Arnold doesn't have a last name, do you? (Caudell and Van Dyke both did the voice of Arnold) Crow: It's still entertaining, though, to watch the plot fracture. Tom (Larry King): And now, let's take a call... (Hexfield: Tim Allen) (Tim's wearing glasses, and of course the bots don't recognize him) Crow: Hey, who the heck are you? Tim: It's me, Tim Allen... don't you recognize? Crow: C'mon, Tim the Toolman certainly doesn't wear glasses! (I've seen Tim Allen wear glasses occasionally, and only at awards shows) (Tim takes glasses off) Tim: There, happy now? Mike: Right down to business, shall we? Ever since "Galaxy Quest", what have you been down to lately? Tim: Unfotunately, nothing big except for that sequel to "The Santa Clause"... And when Disney cast Patrick Warburton as Buzz Lightyear in his own show, my character just wasn't the same. In my opinion, it's not Buzz if it ain't me doing the voice. Then again, it's not like I could have worked on that show ANYWAY... Tom: Buzz got his own show? Whoa. Tim: Lasted just one season. They were really courting big trouble putting Nicole Sullivan in the show. Sure, her "princess" character could walk through walls (tries to make the accompanying sound)... but besides being "spunky" (finger quotes), there wasn't much else about her character to talk about. (Look. I managed to work in his delayed film, Big Trouble.) Crow: And what did you think about Wilson? Tim: Oh, Wilson? Personally, I never had any idea that a guy whose face "we" never saw would become such a long running joke... I never thought it was even worthy of BEING one. Hindman? That guy should change his last name to Hideman. Mike: And speaking of last names... What did you think about that "Galaxy Quest" gag about Guy worried over not having a last name? Tim: Just as good as not seeing Wilson's face. "The Simpsons" being secretive about what state they live in... now THAT'S a helluva good running joke. "Where's this train headed?" "Springfield" "What state?..." (Train whistle noise) Get a kick out of it every time. Crow: That's a good one. Just one question: Were you celebrating the Rugrats 10th anniversary by watching the "All Growed Up" special? Tim: Why'd you ask? Crow: Just checkin'... Tim: Well, I don't know anyone who didn't. Pretty much everyone who had cable watched it. If you ask me, those dumb babies have extended their shelf life. Tom: Is that a good thing? Tim: Well, in one word, yes... Personally, I hope the producers don't make a mess of it like many other spinoffs I know. One word: "AfterMASH". Mike: Well, I guess that's about it. Well, nice talking to you Tim... (Closes Hexfield) Crow: You know, I just don't get Tim Allen... Mike: What, you're saying he's no good as an actor? Crow: Hell, no! Why would I say that? He's good, it's just that the jobs he picks are the cheesy ones... Tom: At least they're not directed by Ed Wood or Coleman Francis. Mike: Yeah, good point. And now, back to you-know-who. (Back to Dr. Forrester and Frank) Frank: Now that film was seriosuly cool. Forrester: Frank... Frank: When it came to the bad stuff, of course... (goes offscreen) Forrester: That's better!... I really gotta get the transcript to this "All Growed Up" special everyone's talking about sometimes... Frank (offscreen): Hey, they cancelled the Emmys over something about Afghanistan... I certainly hope this pans out well... Forrester: I certainly hope so... Anyways, see you next week! Frank? (Frank comes onscreen) Frank: It's the Emmys dammit. You don't cancel THE EMMYS!... What's next, rescheduling it against the World Series? (Frank pushes button) (In the end, the Emmys really were rescheduled against the World Series... it should be noted that I rewrote that last line after the 2001 Emmys.) Thanks to: Ben Greenwood for helping me out with some riffs. All the Rugrats fans that helped them reach the 10 year milestone. David Howard and Robert Gordon, who wrote Galaxy Quest, or at least gave us this transcript. Best Brains and Sci-Fi Channel for giving us the inspiration to MST. I'd dedicate this MSTing to the 6000+ who died in the WTC disaster, but there's not much TO dedicate in the first place. Stinger: >GWEN >Whoever wrote this episode should die.