Mystery Science Theater 3000 Experiment: Dawn of the Groomer Story & Script by Chris "Servo" Franzino 1ST Rough Draft: June 17, 1999 11:00 PM Road Rovers and related characters/items are propety of Warner Bros. MST3K and related characters/items are property of Best Brains IND. This script is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Warner Bros. or Best Brains IND. Story contents are property of Chris Franzino (chrisrrdude@att.net). "MST3K: Dawn of the Groomer" FADE IN In the not too distant future Next Sunday A.D. There was a guy named Joel Not too different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another face in a red jumpsuit He did a good job cleaning up the place But his bosses didn't like him So they shot him into space We'll send him cheesy movies The worst we can find (La-La-La) He'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll monitor his mind (La-La-La) Now keep in mind Joel can't control Where the movies begin or end (La-La-La) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends Robot Roll Call: (C'mon, let's Go) Cambot (Pan left) Gypsy (Hi girl) Tom Servo (What a cool guy) Croooow! (Ya little wisecracker) If you're wondering how he eats and breathes And other science facts (La-La-La) Then repeat to yourself it's just a show I should realy just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Movie vault door closes and Cambot zooms back through closing corridor tunnel doors. Bridge doors close and Cambot stops on the main set. Joel, Crow, and Tom are standing behind the counter and it appears that Tom has a high-tech hoverskirt on with small boosters on the back. JOEL (Smug): Hey, welcome to the Satellite of Love, my name is Joel and these are my robots, Tom Servo and Crow, and I am installing a new hoverskirt on Tom because he has been recently wanting to hover higher, so... TOM (Smug): Yeah, with this new baby, I'll be able to hover up to those hard-to-reach places way high up! JOEL (Blunt): I think this might be a little too powerful, though. TOM (Smug): Well that's the way I want it! CROW (Excited): Turn it on! JOEL (Smug): Okay, let me just tighten this... Joel pick up a screwdriver and tightens a screw on the hoverskirt. JOEL (Smug): Okay, that should do it. TOM (Excited): I'm ready! MAGIC VOICE (Over loud speakers): Commercial Sign in 15 seconds. JOEL (Smug): Thanks Magic Voice. Okay, Tom here it goes. TOM (Excited): All right! Joel flips a switch on the hoverskirt, and suddenly Tom bursts into the air and flies up. He crashes into the celing and gets stuck. The whole Satellite shakes and parts of the roof rain down on Joel and Crow. TOM (Screaming): Woooaaahhh!!! Joel and Crow look up at Tom. CROW (Surprised): Wow. Is that as powerful as you wanted Tom? TOM (In pain): Uh, I think this new hoverskirt thing was a bad idea. JOEL (Dissapointed): Oh, well... CROW (Smug): Well, look on the bright side! As long as you're up there, Tom, you can fix that leak in the roof. TOM (Annoyed): Oh, great. MAGIC VOICE (Over loud speakers): Commercial Sign in five, four, three, two, one. Commercial Sign now. One of the buttons on the counter starts flashing. Joel looks at Cambot. JOEL (Blunt): Uh, we're gonna have to get Tom down, but first, stick around 'cause we'll be right back. Joel hits the flashing button. Cut to the rotating MST3K globe. After commercials, back on the main set, Tom is back behind the counter with Joel and Crow. He has his original hoverskirt attached. TOM (Smug): Ah, feels good to have that old hoverskirt back! JOEL (Smug): Yeah, that new one makes a good salad bowl, so nothing went to waste, either. Joel holds up the other hoverskirt upside-down and a delicious salad is inside. CROW (Smug): Ooooh! Joel sets the "bowl" down. TOM (Thinking): Yeah. Hmm... y'know Joel, these arms of mine don't really work, and somtimes I really need to use them. So I was wondering if you could, maybe, attach a new set of working arms... JOEL (Annoyed): Oh, no! Tom! CROW (Annoyed): Here we go again! Tom looks confused and tries to shrug. One of the buttons on the counter starts flashing; Joel hits it. JOEL (Blunt): Oh, look sharp you guys, the overlords are calling. Cut to Deep 13, there Dr. Clayton Forrester and Dr. Larry Erhardt are staring at the camera. DR. FORRESTER (Blunt): Ah, booby, good evening! I want to tell you that I have come up with a new plan to take over the world! Cut back to the SOL, Joel and the 'Bots are jumping up and down with party hats on. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Excited): Free night!!! Cut back to Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and Larry look annoyed. LARRY (Blunt): Uh, you guys are still getting your movie. Cut back to the SOL, Joel and the 'Bots look annoyed. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Dissapointed): Oh. Cut back to Deep 13, Dr. Forrester now has a TV dinner in his hand. DR. FORRESTER (Explaining): I will take over the world with this! You see, the preservatives in this TV dinner are so bad, that when mixed with with a certain chemical, it can be deadly! I'll easily get people to buy this with some attractive advertisments and cupons and whatnot... and soon I'll wipe out half of the world's population with only a TV dinner! Ha! Cut back to the SOL, the Joel and the 'Bots are staring at Cambot. JOEL (Honest): Y'know, I think I had one of those recently. It was a pretty good TV dinner. TOM (Surprised): Wow. Cut back to Deep 13, Dr. Forrester sets the TV dinner down on the table. DR. FORRESTER (Blunt): We'll deal with that later because it's time for the invention exchange again, Joel. LARRY (Concerned): What've you got for us this week? Cut back to the SOL, Joel has a container of deturgent and a dirty teal jumpsuit on the counter. JOEL (Explaining): Well, I have come up with this thing here called Super Deturgent. It's a super powerful deturgent that cleans out every speck of dirt on any piece of clothing. It even removes microscopic lint. I'll demonstrate it by using this old teal jumpsuit. Joel pours some Super Deturgent on it and and Gypsy comes into the room. Joel hands the jumpsuit to Gypsy (She takes it in her mouth) and she leaves with it. JOEL (Explaining): Gypsy in going to put it in the wash, we'll see the results in a few minutes. TOM (Blunt): Mad scientists, you can go ahead with your invention while we're waiting. Cut back to Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and Larry are staring at the camera. Larry is holding a container of ice-cream. DR. FORRESTER (Blunt): Well that seems fair. Larry, would you like to demonstrate our invention? LARRY (Explaining): Okay. Joel, did you ever notice that ice cream is a bit bland? Well, we decided to spice it up a bit with our new chili flavor! DR. FORRESTER (Smug): That's right. We've definitely kicked it up 'that' notch. Now, Larry, why don't you taste it and see how spicy it is. LARRY (Shaky): Uh... okay... let's see... Larry opens the container and takes a spoonful of the ice cream out (Its color is red). He sticks it in his mouth and swallows. DR. FORRESTER (Concerned): Well, how spicy is it, Larry? Larry instantly yells and runs for a glass of water. DR. FORRESTER (Smug): Ah, I thought so! Well, what do you think Joel? Cut back to SOL, Joel, Tom, and Crow look frightened. JOEL (Blunt): That is dark, Sirs. Cut back to Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and Larry are smiling. DR. FORRESTER/LARRY (Pleased): Thank you! Larry quickly runs off the camera again for a glass of water. Cut back to the SOL, Gypsy runs back into the room with the jumpsuit in her mouth. GYPSY (Mouthful): Here, guys! JOEL (Smug): Oh thanks, Gypsy. Let's see... Joel takes the jumpsuit and looks at it. It lost all its color and is now white. CROW (EMBARRESED): Oh, well... uh. The Super Deturgent really got rid of those stains huh? TOM (EMBARRESED): Wow... really super. JOEL (Curious/Shaky): What do you think sirs? Cut back to Deep 13, Larry is eating the TV dinner and Dr. Forrester is staring at the camera. DR. FORRESTER (Blunt): Oh well, at least it's intresting. Hey, that gives me an idea! Maybe I can use that deturgent to sabatoge the president's suit or something! Well, anyway, Larry-- Larry! Dr. Forrester notices Larry eating the TV dinner. LARRY (Mouthful): What? DR. FORRESTER (Angry): I was going to use that to take over the world!!! LARRY (Realizing, mouthful): Oops. Larry goes to spit it back out onto the tray. DR. FORRESTER (Annoyed, blunt): Never mind! Just tell them about the movie. I'll get it ready. Dr. Forrester walks over to the control console and sorts through some film reels and video tapes, Larry follows. LARRY (Explaining): Well Joel, tonights movie is called "Dawn of the Groomer" and it is... well it's a Road Rovers episode. It's... we'll I haven't seen the whole thing actually, but I'm sure it's bad. Enjoy! Larry presses a button on the console. Cut back to the SOL, Gypsy, Tom, and Crow are carefully watching Joel who is pouring something something blue on the white jumpsuit. JOEL (Explaining): Hopefully, by pouring this blue gatorade on the jumpsuit, we can restore it's blue color... Suddenly, the lights start flashing and the alarms go off. This causes Joel to spill the gatorade. It goes all over the place. TOM (Excited): MOVIE SIGN!!! CROW (Excited): Aaahhh!!! GYPSY (Excited): Oh no!!! JOEL (Excited): We've got Movie Sign!!! Bridge doors open and everyone runs off camera. Cambot zooms foward through opening corridor tunnel doors. Then the movie vault door opens and Cambot zooms into the theater. A few seconds later, Joel comes walking into theater carrying Tom, Crow follows behind. Joel sits down and puts Tom in a seat then Crow sits down and the movie starts. They all look at the screen. TOM (Blunt): What a mess. The episode starts in acient Egypt. "EGYPT 3000 B.C." appears on the screen then dissapears in front of a large pyramid. JOEL (Confused): Oh, that must be the name of the movie. "DAWN OF THE GROOMER" appears on the screen then dissapears. TOM (Confused): So this is gonna be about the Groomer's dishwashing soap? Camera zooms in on a small flaming stand. JOEL (Confused): Why are they burning that tray? "Written by Mark Sidenberg" appears on screen then dissapears. CROW (Sarcastic): This must be Mark Sidenberg's pyramid. JOEL (Thinking): Sidenberg? This must be Spielberg's bad work. TOM (Sarcastic): Yeah, he probably changed his name when this movie was finished. CROW (Honest): I would. Camera switches to inside the pyramid. CROW (Thick Egyptian accent): Last week on Road Rovers. "Directed By Herb Moore" appears on the screen then dissapears. JOEL (Honest): At least it's not "Michael" Moore. A man and a woman are standing before a pit of fire. TOM (Sarcastic): I don't think their fire alarm is working. The man is holding a pillow with a knife on it. CROW (As Man/childish voice): Mommy, my knife has a boo-boo. Can you kiss it to make it all better? And the woman is chanting. TOM (Annoyed): Translation? You mean they were too cheap to use subtitles?! JOEL (Smug): Calm down, Tom. They probably just spent all their money on the opening credits, that's all. Tom looks at Joel. TOM (Blut): That's my point. WOMAN (Chanting): ...it is time to rise. Joel points to the man. JOEL (Sarcastic): He should shave. WOMAN (Chanting): Breath in the air, open your eyes. CROW (As Man): Honey, can we go now? WOMAN (Excited): You mummies wake up! TOM (Sarcastic): Stupid mummies! Are you even listening?! WOMAN (Chanting): And as I raise this knife... JOEL (As woman): I will cut the cheese. WOMAN (Chanting): Tell me the secret of eternal life! CROW (Confused): Does she expect the mummies to just call out and answer her? Suddenly three mummies start walking out of their tombs and moan eerily on the other side of the pyramid. CROW (Sarcastic): Well, at least they don't have to look for toliet paper. MAN (Excited): It's working! TOM (As Man): I can feel it... from the inside. Camera switches to wind storms starting outside. CROW (Sarcastic): Meanwhile, a few miles away. Camera cuts back to the pyramid. TOM (Sarcastic): Now back to Mrs. Paterson's history class. WOMAN (Confused): What? JOEL (As Man): Uh, I didn't say anything. WOMAN (Confused): Tell me it isn't so. TOM (As Man): I'll tell you tomorrow. MAN (Frightned): The great winds of the desert! JOEL (Sarcastic): They must be filming Twister: The Prequel. WOMAN (Frightned): No, the mummies are waking! JOEL (As Man): Don't worry, we can take them home. CROW (As Mummies/Sleepy): Just five more minutes! MAN (Frightned): You must finish the ritual, so we can live forever! TOM (As Woman): Like Elvis! Suddenly the three tomb doors slam shut in order. TOM (As mummies): Ow! Ow! Ow! WOMAN (Screaming): NOOO!!! CROW (As Woman): Dallas won the Superbowl! NOOO! Outside, people shut their doors, as the sand piles up. A bowl rolls by. JOEL (Horrified): SAVE THE GLADWARE!!! CROW (Curious): Aren't there talking dogs somewhere in this movie? Screen goes black. "5,000 YEARS LATER (THAT'S35,000 IN DOG YEARS)" appears on the screen then dissapears. TOM (Blunt): That's "space" 35,000. Camera switches to coast of New York City, nighttime. CROW (Confused): Wait, another movie started! JOEL (Confused): We're just going around the world at random, I guess. Suddenly, switch to two Cano-Mutants driving in Groomer's van on a busy street. TOM (Sarcastic): Find something wrong in this picture. Camera shows the Street Rover chasing them. Colleen is driving, and Hunter is in the passenger seat. He seems to be panicking. TOM (Confused): They must be trying to audition for the part of Scooby-Doo or something. CROW (Disgusted): Eeh! Camera switches to inside of the Street Rover. Colleen seems to be driving rather recklessly. TOM (Smug): Rimshot is driving! Oh. HUNTER (Panic): Let me drive Colleen... please! JOEL (As Hunter): We should be in the Dimond Express lane! COLLEEN (Excited): Oh pipe down Huntie! It's my turn and you know it! CROW (Confused): Don't dogs need a permit to drive? HUNTER (Panic): Look out! JOEL (Sarcastic): It's Kevin McCallister! Colleen swerves the Street Rover around and they almost hit an oncoming van. CROW (Sarcastic): When Cruis'n the USA goes too far. Switch back inside the Street Rover. HUNTER (Blunt): That was close. TOM (As Hunter): But not close enough! COLLEEN (Blunt): It was not that close. CROW (Realizing): Ever notice that there was only two credits in the beginning of the movie? JOEL (Realizing): You know, that's right, Crow. HUNTER (Blunt): It was close! JOEL (As Colleen): You wanna drive?! Hunter starts rooting through some things in the glove compartment. CROW (As Hunter): Where's my gun? COLLEEN (Blunt): Oh stop it, would you. What are you looking for? A map? TOM (As Hunter): No, the script, actually. HUNTER (Blunt): No, my donor card. JOEL (Blunt): So, they're not in Jersey. That's what I've learned from this movie. Switch to an exterior shot of the Street Rover. COLLEEN (Excited): Commin' through! CROW (Sarcastic): Homward Bound III: Dogs In The Fast Lane! Colleen turns the Land Rover left. This startles a driver and causes an oncoming car to crash into a building. TOM (Annoyed): Geez! Some heroes! CROW (Honest): Well, this isn't unusual for New York at rush hour. Camera switches back to the Groomer's van. The back opens up, and the Groomer sticks her head out with a large laser gun. JOEL (Sarcastic): It's Xenia Onatopp! CROW (As Groomer): I'm just gonna test some of my toys out here, don't mind me! HUNTER/COLLEEN (Startled): Uh-oh. TOM (Impersonating Elmer Fudd): It's dog huntin' season. GROOMER (Angry): Eat fire Rovers! CROW (As Groomer): And enjoy the aftertaste! TOM (Sarcastic): I'll get them a breath mint. Groomer starts firing the laser gun at the Street Rover. She misses them, though. Hunter sticks hit head through the sunroof of the Street Rover with a bazooka and fires it. He takes out a sign advertising "Cats". CROW (Annoyed): Hunter! We can't have you taking out props like that! TOM (Sarcastic): Uh, Groomer's THAT way. COLLEEN (Smug): Jolly good shot! TOM (Sarcastic): Only not! HUNTER (Smug): Hey, sometimes things just work out. JOEL (Sarcastic): If only this movie would. Groomer continues to fire at them. Switch back to inside the Street Rover. Hunter is panicking again. JOEL (As Hunter): There's no more Bacon Bits! COLLEEN (Curious): Where are Shag and Exile, anyway? TOM (As Hunter): They're in the back seat, right? No? Aaahh! HUNTER (Panic): Uh, they're with Blitz. COLLEEN (Curious): Who? CROW (As Hunter): Blintz! Don't you hear me?! Blintz! COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Oh him. Have I met him yet? TOM (As Hunter): Oh, damn. What page are you on? HUNTER (Blunt): I think. Here they come. JOEL (As Hunter): I think they come. The Street Rover gets hit with one of Groomer's lasers and flies off camera. CROW (Sarcastic): Oooh, 8.7! Camera shows a taxi driving around the corner. Blitz, Exile and Shag are inside, as well as a cabby. TOM (Sarcastic): It's the ghost of Christmas past!!! Shag takes a picture of the action outside. JOEL (As Shag): A Kodak moment! TOM (As Shag): Did the flash go off?! Did it?! Switch to interior of the taxi, the cabby is driving, Blitz is in the passenger seat, and Exile and Shag are in the back seat. CROW (As Rovers/geeky voices): Heh-heh! This is the cool way to get around town! The cab driver says something that no one can understand. JOEL (Confused): Is he a Road Rover too? BLITZ (Curious): What's he saying? TOM (Sarcastic): He said you are a very stupid and smelly passenger. EXILE (Reading from a book): I think he said, "Hello, can you direct me to Madonna?" CROW (As Exile): He also said, "Shop at Bradley’s for the lowest prices ever." BLITZ (Annoyed): No follow that van! They're getting away! Faster! Faster! CROW (Impersonating the Road Runner): Meep meep! Camera shows a traffic light turning red. JOEL (As Blitz): Yup, keep going faster! BLITZ (Panic): Slower! Slower! Hit the brakes! CROW (Angry): Well make up your mind! TOM (Sarcastic): They must be giving the cabby driving lessons. The taxi skids and jams between a building and a food stand. People jump up out of the way. CROW (As people/puny voices): We don't wanna be a part in your movie! Shag sticks his head out and grabs a hot dog, then the taxi takes off again. MAN AT FOODSTAND (Angry): Hey! JOEL (Sarcastic): People just can't resist the taste of Ball Park Franks. Back inside the taxi, Shag eats the whole hot dog. CROW (As Shag/Elderly voice): Oh! Where's my indigestion medicine? SHAG (Mumbling): Oh boy! TOM (As Shag): Let's go back and get a slurpy. Suddenly the Cab driver drives the taxi down to an underground subway track. CROW (As Cab Driver): I know a little shortcut-- oh. The taxi lands on the subway tracks and starts rolling down them. JOEL (As Cabby): We must help the cast of "Speed"! BLITZ (Furious): What are you, some kind of crazy, psychotic, taxi cab driving madman?! TOM (Sarcastic): He's all those things, and less! The cab driver says something else that no one can understand. EXILE (Reading from book): He says, "Yes. You are absolutely correct." Tom (Surprised): Wow! He even admitted it, too. BLITZ (Embarresed): Oh, my mistake. CROW (As Blitz): I did a naughty. Suddenly, the subway comes up in back of them and honks its horn. CROW (Sarcastic): Downwind! The taxi shoots out back onto the road and hits the Street Rover. Tom briefly hums the James Bond theme. Switch back to inside the taxi. BLITZ (Furious): What kind of a ride was that?! JOEL (As Cab Driver): One of my specials! The Cab Driver says something else, Exile translates it. EXILE (Reading from book): He says an eighty five dollar ride. Plus Tip. TOM (As Exile): Oh wait! I'm reading "Lawnmoers for Dummies", I'm sorry, I have no clue what he was saying. Blitz moans. JOEL (As Blitz): Oh, I don't feel good at all! (Joel pretends to vomit) The Rovers get out of their vehicles. HUNTER (Blunt): Okay everyone, look alive. TOM (Singing): Stayin' alive, Stayin' alive... hah-hah-hah-hah... Stayin' aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalive... HUNTER (Blunt): The Groomer's scent is strong around here. CROW (Sarcastic): I'll get the Febreeze. Suddenly, Shag starts chasing after a cat behind an 'Ace Delivery' truck. TOM (Sarcastic): Ace Delivery! Delivering arguements 24-7! JOEL (Annoyed): Ace Delivery? Don't tell me John Madden is in this. COLLEEN (Annoyed): Blimey, chasing cats. That is so immature. JOEL (As Colleen): Do you know how much Top Cat hates us! EXILE (Explaining): But we are dogs. CROW (As Colleen): Oh yeah, I forgot. Hunter (Honest): Yeah, some habbits die hard. TOM (Sarcastic): Die Hard IV: Revenge of the Habbits! A cat runs by, Hunter, Exile and Blitz bark and start chasing it. JOEL (Sarcastic): Now the screenwriter just can't think of anything to say. COLLEEN (Annoyed): Bloomin' mutts. Another cat runs by, Colleen is alarmed. COLLEEN (Excited): Hey! She starts barking and chases after it. CROW (As Colleen): Y'know what, forget what I just said! This is fun! Switch to Shag still chasing after the black cat. TOM (Blunt): Doesn't anybody in New York care that these big giant mutated talking dog people are running through the streets?! JOEL (Explaining): Actually, you find these kinds of people in New York. It's not that uncommon. Shag stops when he sees Groomer and two Cano-Mutants running, holding cats. CROW (Sarcastic): The cast from Josie and the Pussycats moves in. Shag quickly hides in the back of Groomer's van, but she and the Cano-Mutants dump the cats in there. JOEL (As Cano-Mutants): Here, these'll keep you company. GROOMER (Stern): Move it! TOM (Sarcastic): Shake, shake, shake... They get in the van and take off, unawhere that Shag is hiding in the back. CROW (Sarcastic): The giant flying savings at Menards! Switch to Hunter, Blitz and Exile. They duck to avoid the flying van taking off. HUNTER (Annoyed): Bummer! She's history! CROW (Singing): Like George Washington! COLLEEN (Curious): So is Shag. Where'd he get to? TOM (As Hunter): Shag? Shag! No, that's not a hydrant Shag! The Rovers call out Shag's name and look all around for him. Blitz looks in a garbage pail. JOEL (As Blitz): Oh, I still don't feel good! (makes vomiting noises) Switch to Gen Par Industries. Groomer's van flies over and lands in a tube leading down inside. CROW (Sarcastic): Woah! Mcdonalds really advanced their playgrounds. Camra switches to inside a main room, where Parvo is sitting. TOM (Sarcastic): Woah! His toilet has arm rests! The van lands in this room. JOEL (As Parvo): Get this van out of here! What did I say about bringing vheicles in the house? Huh? GROOMER (Smug): Oh General, I'm home! CROW (As Parvo): What's for dinner? JOEL (As Groomer): I couldn't find any dinner, but got cats instead! PARVO (Annoyed): I told you I hate cats. CROW (Confused): Geez, what's wrong with you? PARVO (Annoyed): Dogs can be Transmutated and trained, but not cats! TOM (Sarcastic): Uh-oh, Heathcliff is getting mad. Shag secretly crawls out of the van and hides under it. JOEL (As Shag): I'm just gonna replace your muffler. Don't mind me. PARVO (Angry): Get rid of them. CROW (Impersonating Himmel): I can never please him. Groomer takes a cat from the back of the van. GROOMER (Explaining): But General, they'll make powerful soliders. Just look at the claws on this one! JOEL (Sarcastic): She's holding Jake Clawson! TOM (Impersonating Jake): Must get back to Megakat City! GROOMER (Explaining): They're smart, strong, agile... CROW (As Groomer): Stupid, smelly, dumb... PARVO (Annoyed): And unpredictable. CROW (As Groomer): Yeah, that too... PARVO (Annoyed): You can't control the feline. GROOMER (Smug): Oh yes you can! JOEL (As Parvo): No you can't! PARVO (Annoyed): Oh, Prove it. TOM (Confused): Who does he think he is? Napoleon? GROOMER (Smug): Watch. TOM (Sarcastic): The camera will not cut away! Groomer walks past Shag who's still hiding under the van. CROW (As Shag): I'm stuck! She then sticks three cats in a crate by the Cano-Mutator. GROOMER (Explaining): I've already made a few adjustments in the Cano-Mutator to accomodate Transcatmutation. JOEL (As Groomer): But, Parvo, can you try it out first? Groomer presses a red button and the crate slides into the Cano-Mutator. Bolts of electricity shoot out onto the cats. TOM (Sarcastic): It must be a cat scan machine. The crate comes out and the cats have been transformed into Felo-Mutants. CROW (Curious): So, is this the "secret of the ooze"? GROOMER (Excited): Magnificent! Aren't they? PARVO (Annoyed): I find them disturbing. CROW (Sarcastic): What a dickweed. Switch to Shag still whimpering under the van. A sensor on his collar is blinking. TOM (Smug): Hey, cool! He has a message machine on his collar. CROW (Honest): Actually, it looks like a time bomb. JOEL (Sarcastic): This collar will self-destruct in five seconds. Camera switches to the outside. The Rovers are in two Tri- Rovers and are racing forward to Gen Par Ind. TOM (Immitating an announcer): Hunter's in the lead, Exile's following close behind! HUNTER (Voice Over): Shag's signal is strong. He's in that refinery. TOM (As Hunter): I know that because he said, "I'll be in that refinery." Back inside, Parvo is getting annoyed. JOEL (As Parvo): I'm missing Jay Leno! PARVO (Annoyed): You're wasting my time Groomer. CROW (As Parvo): I'm getting hungry! Go make dinner! Suddenly, an alarm goes off and monitors on the wall show the Rovers in the Tri-Rovers. TOM (Smug): Oooh. Nice TV setup! CROW (Confused): Hey, how do the cameras keep following the Rovers? PARVO (Annoyed): Oh nice, see what you've done? You lead the Rovers strait to me! I should pull your stripes for this! JOEL (Confused): Pull your stripes? What does he mean by that? GROOMER (Annoyed): No problem! TOM (Confsed): So he's gonna pull her stripes? Groomer (Smug): My recruits will take care of them. Soliders, are you ready? CROW (As Felo-Mutants): Oh, hairball! Where's the liter box?! The Felo-Mutants growl. GROOMER (Excited): Good. Good kitties. JOEL (Sarcastic): No pun intended. Switch back outside to the Rovers. Hunter and Colleen are in one Tri-Rover and Exile, Blitz, and Shag are in the other. They are still heading for Gen Par Ind. TOM (Confused): Geez, how long does it take them to drive to the place? COLLEEN (Voice Over): Hunter, exactly where are we? CROW (As Hunter): Stuck in this damn movie! Hunter (Voice Over): Uh, I think we're in New Jersey. TOM (Thinking): I wonder if there's an abridged version of this film. Suddenly, the three Felo-Mutants crash through a garage door in a jeep and start chasing after the Rovers. JOEL (As Felo-Mutants): Duh, that was fun. The Felo-Mutants start firing laser guns at the Rovers. Switch to inside the Tri-Rover with Hunter and Colleen. Hunter is driving. COLLEEN (Annoyed): Oh yeah, we're definitely in New Jersey. CROW (As Hunter): Okay, then we're in Petropavlovsk. HUNTER (Unsure): Yeah, I think it's Piscataway. TOM (Sarcastic): If they were, this would be the most exciting thing that New Jersey ever saw other than the "Farm & Horse Show". COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Ha ha. Very funny. CROW (As Hunter/Cheerful): Haha! I know I am! The Felo-Mutants continue to fire at the Rovers. TOM (Smug): Oh well, guys. We better beat it. JOEL (Realizing): Oh, okay. Joel picks up Tom and walks out of the theater, Crow follows. Movie vault door closes and Cambot zooms back through closing corridor tunnel doors. Bridge doors close and Cambot stops on the main set. There, on the counter is a large device that looks like a Transdogmafier. Joel, Crow, and Tom are staring at it. JOEL (Confused): Are you sure this is a good idea, Crow? CROW (Excited): Sure! I designed this Transrobotmafier specificly for me! So I can go in and become a Super Crow, then go back in and become myself again. TOM (Confused): Well, what will this prove? CROW (Smug): It'll show you guys how powerful I really am. Just like those dogs in the movie! JOEL (Concerned): But what if you come out looking like those Felo-Mutants? CROW (Thinking): Well, we'll think worry about that when it comes. TOM (Blunt): Oh great. CROW (Explaining): Don't worry! You can always change me back! Nothing will go wrong if you just turn that dial as soon as I go in. Okay? Crow indicates a simple dial on the outside. JOEL/TOM (Blunt): Okay... CROW (Excited): Good! Here we go! Crow walks inside and shuts the small hatch on it. Joel turns the dial on the outside. TOM (Excited): No, Joel! Turn it the other way! Joel turns it the other way. JOEL (Unsure): Are you sure it's this way? I think it's the other way. Joel turns it the other way again. TOM (Sure): No, I was right. Turn it back before you break it! JOEL (Blunt): Okay... Joel turns the dial back the other way again, but it breaks off. Suddenly smoke starts comming out of the Transrobotmafier. TOM (Alarmed): Now look what you did! JOEL (Quick): Well we better get Crow out of it. Joel opens the hatch and Crow comes out slightly on fire. He is mangled and destroyed. He starts growling and barking. TOM (Annoyed): I told him! JOEL (Excited): Woah! Get him back! Joel pushes Crow back into the Transrobotmafier and shutcs the hatch. JOEL (Confused): How do we turn him back? TOM (Thinking): Try one of those switches on the other side. Joel sees a series of switches and starts flicking them up and down quickly. Suddenly the whole Transdogmafire explodes in smoke. Finally Crow comes back out looking even more destroyed than before. CROW (In pain): How hard was it? Just turn the dial, now look what you did to me! JOEL (Explaining): Well, Crow, I think you know now not to try anything that is associated with a bad movie's plot. TOM (Smug): You said it Joel! CROW (In pain): Maybe you could've told me that earlier! TOM (Sarcastic): Yup, just like those cats in the movie. Ugly, and low I.Q. CROW (Angry): Hey! One of the lights on the counter start flashing. JOEL (Smug): Don't worry Crow, I'll fix you up. You'll be back to normal in no time. But for now, we'll be right back. Joel hits the flashing button. Cut to the rotating MST3K globe. After commercials, back in the theater, screen is showing the Rovers being chased by the Felo-Mutants who are firing laser guns at them. Joel walks in carrying Tom, Crow follows. He is back to normal. Joel sits down and puts Tom in a seat. Crow also sits down and they all look at the screen. JOEL (Concerned): Feelin' better Crow? CROW (Smug): Yeah, thanks Joel. BLITZ (Furious): Little girly cats, go eat kitty litter! JOEL (As Felo-Mutant): Okay. Switch to inside Hunter's Tri-Rover. COLLEEN (Blunt): There's only one way these felos could have been turned into raging monsters. TOM (Sarcastic): Jenny Craig? HUNTER (Smug): Parvo. JOEL (Sarcastic): Lucky guess! COLLEEN (Smug): Two points for the winner! CROW (As Hunter): Damn, that's cheep! Suddenly, the Felo-Mutants hit and break the glass of the second Tri-Rover with their laser guns. CROW (As Felo-Mutants): That'll teach you dogs not to mess with Garfield! Exile sticks his head out the window and fires his ice ray at one of the mutants. He freezes him. TOM (As Exile): Damn! I forgot to take my contacs off before I did that! EXILE (Excited): Bullseyeball! Joel, Tom and Crow are startled at this. EXILE (Exited): Easy as cupcake! Piece of bean! JOEL (Sarcastic): He needs to work on his vocabulary. Suddenly the Felo-Mutant breaks out of the ice. CROW (Sarcastic): Super Cat! EXILE (Amazed): Bolshoi! TOM (Confused): Did he say what I think he said? EXILE (Amazed): My ice-makers are on the fritz! CROW (Sarcastic): Whatever. Switch back to Hunter and Colleen, Hunter loads a tennis ball into his gun. JOEL (Confused): Wasn't Hunter driving? Hunter fires his gun and the tennis ball shoots out. It hits a water tower, which explodes and water spills all over the Felo-Mutants. CROW (Sarcastic): Yakko, Wakko and Dot are gonna be furious! HUNTER (Excited): Yes! Cats hate water! TOM (As Hunter): Take that Rita! CROW (As Felo-Mutants): Eeh! This sucks! I'm gettin' outta here! TOM (As Felo-Mutants): Damn you Scooby! The Felo-Mutants pull away. Joel waves to them. JOEL (Blunt): Geez, the 2 Stupid Dogs could've beaten them. CROW (Sarcastic): Or Runt. Switch to Parvo watching them through a window inside. PARVO (Annoyed): Pathetic! JOEL (As Parvo): Just like me! Back outside we see the Felo-Mutants drive back into the garage. TOM (Sarcastic): Hey, the garage door refixed itself! Switch back to Parvo. He walks over to his chair and presses a button theat reads: Fortress Lock. Ouside shields cover the Industries. CROW (Impersonating Batman): Shields up. Inside, Parvo is annoyed. PARVO (Annoyed): Shut them up! GROOMER (Pleading): Please General, let me explain! TOM (As Groomer): The flusher just fell off! I didn't break it on purpose! PARVO (Annoyed): I've had enough on your lectures about Felo-Mutants, Groomer. The TV monitors show the Rovers again. JOEL (Sarcastic): Uh, your TV's are repeating. PARVO (Annoyed): Those mutts are on my case, thanks to your experimental mistakes. CROW (As Parvo): Now get me a lozenge! Can you even do that right?! PARVO (Annoyed): Get rid of them! TOM (As Groomer): But the pet store said all sales are final. GROOMER (Stern): No. Joel, Tom and Crow gasp. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Surprised): What?! PARVO (Furious): What?! JOEL/TOM/CROW (Confused): What?! PARVO (Furious): I just gave you a direct order, Missy! TOM (Impersonating Bill Esquire): I mean "Mom". GROOMER (Stern): And I'm not obeying it. PARVO (Furious): I'm not hearing this! JOEL (As Parvo): I mean literly, I'm not hearing this. Groomer and the Felo-Mutants leave the room. PARVO (Furious): It sounds like mutanty! CROW (As Parvo/geeky voice): Or, like, you're, like, disobeying me or something. GROOMER (Blunt): Call it what you want, but I'm leaving. JOEL (As Parvo): I call it... "The other white meat". PARVO (Furious): You're going nowhere! TOM (As Groomer): Am too! JOEL (As Parvo): Am not! The door shuts. The words "ROAD ROVERS" scrolls quickly across the screen. TOM (Reading very fast): Road Rovers! Suddenly, switch to a garage door. It explodes. CROW (Startled): Aaahhh!!! TOM (Sarcastic): This movie just hates garage doors! The Rovers run into the room. JOEL (Sarcastic): Uh, come right in. HUNTER (Yelling): We're comming Shagster! CROW (Confused): Isn't a 'Shagster' a car? TOM (Serious): I don't want to know! Camera switches back to Groomer and the Felo-Mutants loading the Cano-Mutator on her ship. PARVO (CONFUSED): No! What are you doing? The Cano-Mutator is mine! CROW (As Parvo/childish voice): It's mine and you can't have it! GROOMER (Smug): Was General. Was. JOEL (Smug): She doesn't even need to call him 'General' anymore, right? TOM (Honest): You got a point there, Joel. PARVO (Furious): This isn't happening! CROW (As Parvo): Get me Mark Sidenberg! This wasn't in the script! GROOMER (Blunt): We're through. CROW (As Groomer): ...the script. PARVO (Coughing): (Mechanical gun comes out of his metal glove) No Groomer! TOM (Sarcastic): Hey I can use one of those. PARVO (Coughing): No! You can't leave! Lozenge! JOEL (Confused): I think he's trying to say something. CROW (Sarcastic): Out with it boy! C'mon! What is it? GROOMER (Blunt): I'm not your nurse made anymore, General. You're on your own. Have a nice life! Groomer shuts the door to the ship and takes off. Parvo is furious. TOM (Confused): Why is she taking off in a ship with a dog face on it, if she loves cats so much? CROW (As Groomer): Soon to be cat mobile... away! Switch to the Rovers still looking for Shag. JOEL (As Hunter): What's that awful smell? HUNTER (Blunt): Shag's close. JOEL (Sarcastic): Oh, that must be him. HUNTER (Blunt): Very close. CROW (Confused): If he's so close, how come we can't see him in this shot? Suddenly, Shag pops out of a barrel he was hiding in and starts licking Hunter. TOM (Sarcastic): Eew! He's in a recycling bin! HUNTER (Excited): Hey, I'm glad to see you alive too, pal! You still owe me five bucks! SHAG (Mumbling): Rats! JOEL (As Hunter): No, five bucks. You don't owe me any rats. Camera switches to Groomer flying her ship. Suddenly, Parvo appears on a monitor. CROW (Imitating an announcer): Now back to the Parvo Network, brodcasting Parvo's face 24 hours a day. PARVO (Over monitor): It's not over yet, Groomer! No one disobeys me! TOM (As Parvo): At least not anyone that I know. CROW (Sarcastic): He forgot the "And gets away with it" part. Groomer spots a flashing red light. It's an explosive. Switch to a close up of Groomer's face. It's red from the reflection of the light. TOM (Startled): Aah! She's blushing! Groomer gasps. JOEL (Confused): So she doesn't try to bail out or anything? Camera shows the ship explode and crash across the horizon. TOM (Confused): So, she's dead? CROW (Hopeful): Hopefully. Screen goes black. "7 DOG YEARS LATER (THAT'S ONE YEAR FOR HUMANS)" appears on the screen, then dissapears. CROW (Annoyed): Does that mean they get to open their Christmas presents 7 times before we do? Switch to Road Rover Headquarters. Inside, the Rovers are seated around a table and the Master is explaining. MASTER (Explaining): Good morning Rovers. As you know, there has been no sign of Parvo in twelve months. TOM (Sarcastic): If we know, then why are you telling us? JOEL (Confused): Y'know, I'm still having a hard time figuring out what that Egyptian scene from the beginning had to do with this movie. MASTER (Explaining): Our operatives from around the world continue to monitor the situation. CROW (Sarcastic): But now using wireless technology they can work at home! Pictures of other Cano-Sapiens appear on a viewscreen. JOEL (Sarcastic): Hey look, it's Jeopardy! CROW (Sarcastic): I'll take the bulldog for 500, please. MASTER (Explaining): Recently, we have recieved some strange reports from Cairo. TOM (As Master): We discovered something called... a "pyramid". MASTER (Explaining): No Cano-Mutants to speak of, but giant killer cats have been spotted near the swings. JOEL (Sarcastic): Maybe it's Sailcat. TOM (Singing): There's danger out on the nations' roads... HUNTER (Excited): Giant killer cats! Cool! CROW (As Hunter): I want one! MASTER (Explaining): They're Felo-Mutants. TOM (Impersonating Torgo): ThE mAsTeR dOeS nOt ApPrOvE oF tHe FeLo-MuTaNtS! HUNTER (Confused): Huh? MASTER (Stern): Sniff out the trail Rovers. Just be careful out there. These aren't your normal house cats. JOEL (As Rovers): Well, we'll send Balto out there first. CROW (Sarcastic): And Rover Dangerfield. The Rover leave the room. Switch to them in the Turbojet Rover flying over Egypt. CROW (Sarcastic): They're in their flying machines! TOM (Singing): Muttley, you snickering floppy-eared hound! Hunter is at the controls and Exile is in the Co-pilot's seat. He is reading a book. TOM (As Exile): To land the plane? Let me look it up... EXILE (Curious): Bolshoi! What is that? JOEL (As Hunter): That's me. I'm Hunter, remember? Colleen looks out the window with binoculars. CROW (As Colleen): Oh look! There's Waldo! COLLEEN (Reading): Wait! I see a sign. It says: Trespassers will be shot. Suddenly, the Turbojet Rover gets shot. TOM (As Hunter): Oh, Exile what does the book say if we get shot? HUNTER (Sarcastic): Oh, and they weren't lying. Lasers start shooting at the Turbojet Rover from the top of pyramids. JOEL (Impressed): Hey, they got the new blast-a-rover security system. A wing gets blasted and the Rovers start screaming. CROW (Sarcastic): Marmaduke to the rescue! The Turbojet Rover goes down towards the sand. TOM (Annoyed): Geez, Snoopy could fly better than this! Joel picks up Tom and walks out of the theater, Crow follows. Cut to the rotating MST3K globe. After commercials, back on the main set, Tom is behind the counter perfecting a small model of Groomer's ship. Crow passes by, but stops. CROW (Concerned): Hey, what are you doing Tom? TOM (Explaining): Oh, just finishing off the final touches to this model I'm building. Do you like it? CROW (Smug): It looks like a model of Groomer's ship from the movie. TOM (Explaining): It is. And I made it complete with every little detal. CROW (Confused): It's neat, but where did you get all the parts? TOM (Explaining): Well, Gypsy offered half of this stuff from the control room so I decided to make good use out of it. Crow starts inspecting it. CROW (Surprised): But why did you make a model of Groomer's Ship? TOM (Explaining): Because it was destroyed in the movie and I thought by creating this, I'd have something to remember the short lived piece of tin. CROW (Inspecting): Intresting. TOM (Smug): Oh, and it's complete with everything the actual ship has including a self destruct mechanism. CROW (Excited): Does it work? TOM (Smug): I was just going to test it. Here. Tom presses a button on the ship and a red light from inside starts flashing. CROW (Excited): Here it goes! TOM (Excited): Duck! Tom and Crow hide under the counter. Suddenly, Joel walks into the room. JOEL (Curious): Hey you guys, what's going on? Just then, the model explodes. After the smoke clears away, Crow and Tom jet back up. Joel is stunned. CROW (Smug): Well that worked fine! TOM (Embarresed): Oh, hi Joel. JOEL (Stunned): *cough* CROW (Embarresed): Well that sure delivered a bang... huh? TOM (Embarresed): I think I should start cleaning up here... JOEL (To Cambot): Uh, everyone, don't try what we do here on the Satellite of Love at home. The lights start flashing and the alarms go off again. JOEL (Excited): Oh, we've got Movie Sign!!! Everybody screams and starts running around. Bridge doors open and everyone runs off camera. Cambot zooms foward through opening corridor tunnel doors. Then the movie vault door opens and Cambot zooms into the theater. Joel comes walking into theater carrying Tom, Crow follows behind. Joel sits down and puts Tom in a seat, then Crow sits down and they all look at the screen which is showing the Turbojet Rover going down. Switch inside to Hunter struggling at the controls. CROW (Confused): Eeh! HUNTER (Quick): We're going down! TOM (Sarcastic): Oh, no duh! HUNTER (Quick): You better bail! JOEL (Sarcastic): Uh, they just ate. I think they should wait an hour first. Switch to Colleen jumping out of the plane with a jet pack on. Next, Blitz jumps out. TOM (As Blitz): It this the exit to Fun World? Exile jumps out. CROW (As Exile): I don't know how to use this thing! Shag jumps out. JOEL (As Shag): Hunter, can you throw down my chew toy! I forgot it! Tom looks at Joel. TOM (Curious): They left, can we? JOEL (Honest): I wish. Switch back to Hunter struggling at the controls. CROW (Confused): Aah! Finally, Hunter lands the plane. TOM (Annoyed): So the plane lands in perfectly good condition after all? Hunter gets out, Exile lands, but Shag crashes. JOEL (Impersonating 'Mom'): Bad dog! No treat for you! Switch to Colleen landing, Blitz crashes behind her. CROW (Sarcastic): 9.4! BLITZ (In Pain): Please, call me a chiropractor. JOEL (As Blitz): And remember to dial "1" and THEN the number. COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Your a chiropractor. CROW (Sarcastic): A GERMAN chiropractor. BLITZ (Amazed): Thank you. You, you spoke to me! TOM (Sarcastic): No, it's just your imagination. COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Sorry, I'm drawing it blank. You are? CROW (Concerned): Is she okay? Blitz, annoyed, moans. JOEL (As Blitz): Oh, I don't feel good again! (Joel pretends to vomit again) Suddenly, a Felo-Mutant springs up out of the desert sand in front of Colleen and starts growling. CROW (Frightned): Aaaahhhh!!! Crow falls off his seat. TOM (Laughing): Woah! Old Dark Kat really gave you a scare there, Crow! Crow gets back up. JOEL (As Felo-Mutant): Smile! You're on Candid Camera! CROW (Confused): I knew there were mirages in the desert, but this is unusual. COLLEEN (Excited): Scare the bloomin' fur right off me hide why don't you! CROW (Sarcastic): Whatever. Two more Felo-Mutants spring up behind Blitz. BLITZ (Scared): Aaahhh!!! TOM/CROW (Mocking): AAAHHH!!! Switch to Hunter, Exile and Shag watching from a safe distance. JOEL (As Shag): Shouldn't we be rescuing them or something? The Felo-Mutants take Blitz and Colleen away. COLLEEN (Annoyed): This is not me cup of tea. JOEL (As Colleen): I wanted iced tea. Crow starts humming. TOM (Singing): When criminals in this world appear, and break the laws that they should fear, and frighten all who see or hear, the cry goes up both far and near-- JOEL (Blunt): Okay, stop now, you two. Switch to an egyptian pyramid (the one from the beginning). The flaming statue is still there. JOEL (Sarcastic): They're still burning that tray. Inside, the Felo-Mutants bring Colleen and Blitz forward. CROW (Annoyed): Where are you taking them already?! TOM (Sarcastic): They're being walked to death. FELO-MUTANT (Blunt): The empress awaits you. BLITZ (Scared): Empress? Blitz and Colleen look around. They see Groomer dressed as an Egyptian, sitting on a throne. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Confused): What?! TOM (Annoyed): She's suppose to be dead! JOEL (Annoyed): They're recycling the characters now. GROOMER (Pleased): You've done well, my pets. CROW (As Groomer): You may each take 1 cookie. COLLEEN (Surprised): The Groomer! TOM (As Colleen): ...has a peacock feather on her head! GROOMER (Explaining): As you can see the reports of my death were cruelly exaggerated. CROW (Annoyed): Well, "I" think you would be dead if you were in a ship that exploded! GROOMER (Explaining): My kittens and I flew south for the winter... JOEL (Sarcastic): It would help if it were winter! GROOMER (Explaining): ...and we came across this little fixer-upper. TOM (Confused): But you didn't fix it up. Switch to Hunter, Exile and Shag sneaking into the pyramid. Shag whimpers. EXILE (Explaining): The Groomer, she has lost case of baskets leaving many marbles. CROW (Sarcastic): Get ziploc. HUNTER (Sarcastic): Okay... sorta. Switch back to Groomer. TOM (As Groomer): Hey! I just had a flashback of a dog insulting me! GROOMER (Stern): Watch the prisoners. I must prepare for the sacrifice. JOEL (Confused): She's gonna sacrifice herself? TOM (Blunt): Good. GROOMER (Smug): I'm about to recieve the secret of eternal life. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Annoyed): Seen it! CROW (Panic): It's starting over! TOM (Panic): Nooo! GROOMER (Explaining): To succeed there must be a canine offering. You Road Rovers should fit the bill. JOEL (Blunt): That was the problem they had in the beginning of the flim. Instead of sacrificing a dog, they were sacrificing a knife. TOM (Remembering): Oh, yeah, I remember that. CROW (Annoyed): Why don't they fry Scooby Doo instead? BLITZ (Quick): I’m not really a Road Rover! Ask her she doesn’t even know me. TOM (As Groomer): Oh really? I'm sorry. Ah, I'll take you anyway. COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Oh, I know him. He’s a Road Rover all right. BLITZ (Panic): What?! What are you saying?! JOEL (As Blitz): Uh, no eng-las. COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Oh don’t be modest. You know you’re the number one Road Rover. You say so all the time! BLITZ (Panic): NOOOOO! CROW (Sarcastic): Don't get mad. Get Glad. Switch to Blitz and Colleen tied together hanging over a large flaming pit. Blitz whimpers. TOM (Impersonating Shag): That's my line. GROOMER (Chanting): ...it is time to rise. JOEL (Angry): We've already seen this! CROW (As Groomer): Breath in the air. GROOMER (Chanting): Breath in the air. CROW (As Groomer): Open your eyes. GROOMER (Chanting): Open your eyes. CROW (As Groomer): You mummies wake up! GROOMER (Chanting): And as I raise this knife, tell me the secret of eternal life! CROW (Sarcastic): Wait, you skipped a line! Go back! TOM (As Groomer): If this doesn't work I'll have hot dogs! Get it? The three mummies on the other side of the pyramid start moving. GROOMER (Excited): It's working! JOEL (Confused): They're gonna walk into the fire? GROOMER (Excited): Immortality will be mine! TOM (Curious): Does she really need immortality when she's got stupidity? Switch back to Colleen and Blitz being lowered into the fire. Blitz tries to blow out the fire. CROW (Sarcastic): That's one big birthday candle! Switch back to the mummies, one of them unwraps the head part to reveal that it's Hunter. TOM (Confused): Hunter was in there for 5000 years? CROW (Impersonating Master): Hunter, get out of the mummy costume! JOEL (Confused): What did he do with the mummy that was in that suit? TOM (Disgusted): Eew. HUNTER (Sarcastic): I wouldn't be making any long range plans. The other two unwrap the head parts to reveal that it's Exile and Shag. TOM (Blunt): Figures. EXILE (Excited): Old switcherooski! CROW (As Exile): Hah! I'm funnyskiskiski! HUNTER (Excited): Pretty cool mummy suits, huh? JOEL (Sarcastic): Yeah, it has that Egyptian look. Hunter pulls out his tennis ball shooter and fires a tennis ball out of it. CROW (As Hunter): Hey, Colleen and Blitz, catch! TOM (Confused): Now where did he get that from? The tennis ball hits a pillar and it collapses. Groomer runs away. CROW (As Hunter): We're here to crash your party! Switch to a close up of Groomer's face. Tom ducks. TOM (Excited): Woah! GROOMER (Panic): No, the ritual isn't over yet! JOEL (Annoyed): Oh shut up. CROW (Sarcastic): Meanwhile, Colleen and Blitz are burnt to a crisp! Switch to Colleen and Blitz. Just before they're about to hit the fire, Shag grabs them down. TOM (Sarcastic): Power Pup to the rescue! BLITZ (Relieved): Thank you Shag! Thank you, thank you! CROW (As Blitz): Your welcome Blitz! Your welcome, your welcome! Switch back to Groomer. The pyramid is starting to crumble. GROOMER (Annoyed): (Chants, then stops) Oh forget it! CROW (Alien voice): We'll return with the stones in 300 years when evil returns too-- JOEL (Correcting): Wrong movie, Crow! The Rovers run out as the pyramid caves in. TOM (Sarcastic): Please leave in an orderly fashioned way! Hunter runs, turns around, then turns back and keeps running. JOEL (Confused): What was the meaning of that? The Rovers all jump in the Turbojet Rover as the sand piles up. TOM (Sarcastic): Hey, the wing refixed itself! The Turbojet Rover takes off. CROW (Confused): How come there's a wind storm every time they have one of these rituals?! TOM (Sarcastic): I bet a bowl is going to roll by next. Switch to Groomer. She runs up a flight of stairs as the sand piles up. JOEL (Sarcastic): It's an invasion of sawdust. TOM (Sarcastic): She's going up the stairway to heaven! CROW (Impersonating Brak): Make my head hurt! She runs up a tall statue of a dog and stays on the top until the sand settles down. CROW (Sarcastic): 5000 years later... Switch to Groomer, exausted, walking through the desert. A halk is circling the sky. JOEL (Sarcastc): And little does Groomer know that that halk is actually going to dive at her when she looks the other way. Groomer falls. Crow chokes out a laugh. GROOMER (Depressed): I had it all. The Cano-Mutator, an army of cats... TOM (As Groomer): A big slob who couldn't stop coughing... GROOMER (Depressed): ...and immortality. It was almost mine. Suddenly, Groomer pulls a device out of her pocket. It is marked Gen Par IND. CROW (As Groomer): Well, I can call for a pizza! Switch to Parvo's ship flying through deep space. JOEL (Sarcastic): Last night on a very special Star Trek... CROW (Hopeful): Hey, it's the Heart of Gold! Camera switches to inside Parvo's Ship. He is at the controls coughing badly. CROW (Disapointed): Damn! PARVO (To Self): I didn’t need her. I don’t need anyone. (coughs) I do miss her sneer (coughs). TOM (Honest): It's not good to talk to yourself like this. PARVO (Angry): She defined me. No one ever defies me! Joel, Tom and Crow pretend to cough really bad. PARVO (Dissapointed): But I (coughs really bad) really miss her! Suddenly, Groomer's voice is heard on a speaker. GROOMER (Sad): General? JOEL (Sarcastic): General Parvo. Paging General Parvo. GROOMER (Sad): Come get me. Please! CROW (As Parvo): Well, a map would be nice. PARVO (Confused): Groomer? TOM (Talking like a bratty kid): Prank Call, jerk! Switch to Road Rover Headquarters. JOEL (Immitating an announcer): Now we go behind the scenes at Road Rover Headquarters. MASTER (Pleased): You've done well Road Rovers. Now the world won't be going to Parvo's dogs or Groomer's cats. CROW (As Master): Or Johnny's moles. Camera switches to Colleen and Blitz. Hunter is watching from behind. BLITZ (Curious): Pretty she dog, now that we're in speaking terms why don't you and I take a stroll. JOEL (Confused): Uh, what's Hunter doing? BLITZ (Curious): Just the two of us? TOM (Imitating narrator): What's this?! Do we have our female friend caught between a decision to take a walk or not? Will she take the walk with the weird boy?! What will happen?! We'll find out shortly after these messages. COLLEEN (Sarcastic): Excuse me, if you'd like an appointment, you'll have to call my service. BLITZ (Surprised): An appointment?! I bet her schedule's all booked. CROW (As Blitz): Oh! Just like Planet Hollywood. TOM (As Blitz): I'll be back. Switch back to Egypt where Groomer is sleeping. JOEL (Impersonating the director): Get up! What do you think I pay you for?! Parvo's ship lands next to her and wakes her up. CROW (Sarcastic): Pizza's here! JOEL (Sarcastic): Space Ghost just landed. The door opens up and Groomer walks inside to where Parvo is coughing. GROOMER (Hopeful): General, will you ever forgive me? TOM (As Parvo): Well... NO! GROOMER (Hopeful): Look, I saved this for you. JOEL (As Groomer): A lozenge! Groomer pulls a device out of her sleve and presses a button on it. Outside, the ground caves in. CROW (Confused): A trap? TOM (Thinking): I think it's treasure. JOEL (Sarcastic): It can't be. They're not anywhere near the big W. Then some sort of machinery elevates out of the hole. TOM (Blunt): Woo-wee. PARVO (Annoyed): You disobeyed me! GROOMER (Explaining): But you were so against using my cats. Why? PARVO (Coughing): Why? (Coughs) Why?! (coughs badly) CROW (Annoyed): Out with it already! Suddenly he chokes up a hair ball. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Grossed): EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!! Joel, Tom and Crow all fall off their seats. GROOMER (Disgusted): Eew. Joel, Tom and Crow get back up. PARVO (Annoyed): THIS is why! Parvo takes off his metal helmet, and where his hair should be, he has the fur and ears of a cat. TOM (Annoyed): Well that's some crappy reason! GROOMER (Shocked): You're a CAT! JOEL (Confused): Does that mean he cleans himself by using his tongue? Parvo throws his helmet away in frustration. PARVO (Frustrated): I am not an animal! CROW (As Parvo): I'm a dickweed! PARVO (Frustrated): I'm a man! TOM (As Parvo): I am Batman! GROOMER (CONCERNED): But how? JOEL (As Parvo): I got it from you, Catwoman! PARVO (Dissapionted): Do I disgust you that much? JOEL/TOM/CROW (Honest): YES!!! GROOMER (Honest): No. Why, I actually find it appealing. CROW (Sarcastic): Well, I don't take advice from people who wear too much eye makup. PARVO (Excited): You do? TOM (As Groomer): Well, the more I think about it... Parvo walks over to Groomer and hugs her. JOEL (As Parvo): Bear hug! PARVO (Excited): We're back together! CROW (Sarcastic): (Hums a time note) And they're apart again! PARVO (Pleased): Purr. TOM (Sarcastic): GGGRRRRR!!! Screen goes black. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Excited): Yeah! "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on the screen. JOEL/TOM/CROW (Panic): NOOOO!!! Switch to the credits. They flash across the screen while Muzzle jumps up and down in the background. JOEL (Smug): Hey, finally, Muzzle got some air time. TOM (Thinking): This is just blah. JOEL (Curious): How do you think it's gonna end? TOM (Panic): It's not over yet? What-- CROW (Curious): No, in the next one. It's going to be continued right? JOEL (Cautious): Don't give the Mads any ideas, Crow. TOM (Thinking): Maybe we'll see the Road Rovers Vs. the SWAT Kats or something. CROW (Intrested): That'd be good. JOEL (Confused): How come in a lot of boring films, there's a lot of credits? TOM (Blunt): Yeah, look at this, "Storyboards", "Model Design". They went through all of this and still didn't come up with anything good. CROW (Sarcastic): Now, they're just repeating the credits so the movie'll seem longer. JOEL (Blunt): Come on, let's get outta here. Joel picks up Tom. They all see the copyright information appear on the screen. CROW (Sarcastic): They can stop protecting it because nobody's gonna steal it! Everyone gets up. Crow walks out of the theater, Joel follows. Movie vault door closes and Cambot zooms back through closing corridor tunnel doors. Bridge doors close and Cambot stops on the main set. There, Joel, Tom and Crow are sitting behind the counter. CROW (Blunt): Boy, was that one was one of the worst yet. JOEL (To Cambot): Well, we made it, so I'd like to thank everyone who's been sending in letters. We really appreicate it up here on the Satellite of Love to get them. TOM (Smug): Yeah, send in your letters to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Info Club now. CROW (Curious): Uh, Joel can I ask you something? JOEL (Smug): Yeah, sure. What is it Crow? CROW (Explaining): It's related to this week's movie. Um, how can Parvo be half cat? TOM (Confused): Yeah. Was he born like that? Y'know like The Penguin? Or did he pick it up over the years? CROW (Confused): Yeah, is there such thing as cat disease? JOEL (Explaining): Well, it's obvious that this was a series. So it will probably be explained in a later episode. TOM (Curious): Well, how do you think it's going to end Joel? JOEL (Thinking): Well, if the Rovers find out, they'd probably start that Dog- Cat chasing thing again, but they'd catch Parvo because he'd have to stop for lozenges or something. TOM (Curious): Well, what if he brought an extra pack of lozenges with him? CROW (Thinking): Yeah, but when he was running, he spilled them all. TOM (Thinking): Then he had to go back and get them. CROW (Tinking): But by that time, the Rovers were already too close. TOM (Thinking): But they tripped over all the lozenges. CROW (Thinking): But then, Parvo coughed up another hair ball and grossed everyone out. JOEL (Interrupting): Uh, guys, it's only fictional. We don't have to waste any time thinking about it and how it's going to affect our future. TOM (Curious): But what if Parvo's dogs found out he was a cat? CROW (Curious): Yeah, would they all start attacking him? TOM (Thinking): Yeah, and Groomers cats would also get freaked out, so they'd start attacking him, too. JOEL (Interrupting): Uh, you guys can talk about this all you'd like, but the experiment is over for tonight. Thanks for watching everybody. Uh, sirs, I hope your happy. Switch to Deep 13, there Dr. Forrester and Larry are looking at the monitor. DR. FORRESTER (Impressed): We'll, I'm happy. What about you Larry? LARRY (Impressed): Intresting Clay. I think we should show them more of these kinds of movies. I'm happy. Dr. Forrester writes something down on a clipboard. DR. FORRESTER (Smug): Good, file this. Larry leaves with the clipboard. DR. FORRESTER (Smug): Well, until next time Joel... good night. Dr. Forrester hits a key on the keyboard and the screen fades out. MST3K end theme plays, as the ending credits scroll up the screen. After that, cut to stinger. STINGER: BLITZ (Furious): What are you, some kind of crazy, psychotic, taxi cab driving madman?! THE END