Title: Darkwing Duck: Schlock Treatment Original author: Mike Cervantes MiSTing author: Jesse Shearer Era: Castle Done without permition due to inability to contact the author. [Season 9 opening credits] [Scene: Waiting room. Mike and the Bots are at control pannel] MIKE: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satelite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my friends Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. Pearl and company haven't sent us an experiment in about two weeks. We've done just about everything we've wanted to do while we wait, so we're getting kinda bored. SERVO: Well, we could go back to playing video games. CROW: Nah. We've done that for three days straight now. Besides, the controls are all broken. MIKE: Anyway, we're just going to sit around for awhile. Mabey something will happen while we're waiting. [comertial button flashes] We'll be right back. [planet bumper] [comertial for Final Fantasy 9] [Scene: Headline reading *Nothing Happens on SOL* fills screen. Shot backs up to show Mike reading paper and Crow staring off into space. Pearl's button flashes but neither notices. Scene shifts to fisheye shot of Pearl trying to get ahold of Mike.] PEARL: Mike? Mike! Can you hear me? [Shift to Waiting Room.] MIKE: Huh? Oh, hello, Pearl. Didn't see you calling. What can I do for you? [Castle] PEARL: Well, I thought I'd call to apologize for leaving you all alone for so long. How are things going up there? [Waiting Room; Crow still staring into space] MIKE: Pretty good. Slow for a change. We're all really enjoying it. [nudges Crow] Right, Crow? CROW:[without even noticing] Yeah, Mike, whatever you say. [Castle] PEARL: Well, good. It looks like Art there may need some shock treatment. [Observer comes in] Unfortunately, I can't deliver on that, but I do have the next best thing. It's a little piece called "Darkwing Duck: Schlock Treatment," by an author I think you'll be able to identify by the end of the story. Brain Guy, give 'em whatever details you've got then send it. OBSERVER: Yes, madam. This little grain of sand is vintage 1998 AOL stock crap. It makes references to other authors who would be shamed to know of their attachment to it. On a final note, this story is of astoundingly decent quality, considering the author. [uses powers to send story] [Waiting Room, buzzers and lights go off] MIKE: Ah! Fanfic sign! Finally, relief from the boredom! [goes into theater] CROW:[comes around a few seconds later] What the...! Fanfic sign! Where's Servo? MIKE!?!? MIKE:[from theater] We're in the theater! Get in here! It's starting! CROW:[heads for theater] Dah! [6...5...4...3...2...1...theater] SERVO: Finally! CROW: I thought you said it was starting. MIKE: Give it a second. > Darkwing Duck: Schlock treatment CROW: That's, like, every episode, though. MIKE: Halfway decent title, though. SERVO: Yeah. I wonder who wrote it? > A Genius Story (sure, whatever) By Mike Cervantes SERVO: Why does that name seem familiar? MIKE: I'm not sure. Let's read on and find out, shall we? >Writer's notes: CROW: Oh hell. You don't suppose "Mike Cervantes" is a pen name for Gonterman, do you? MIKE: I don't think so. Besides, I thought he only did self-insertions of Sonic the Hedgehog and Salor Moon. SERVO: And don't forget that "Foxfire" comic he does about a psudeo-version of himself. CROW: True. >To my knowledge, this is one of the first Darkwing fanfics to >also include Fenton Crackshell (Gizmoduck). It's also among the rarest of >DW >fanfics to be written in the TV Scripting style, so bear with me as this >story encloses actions in Parentheses. Also you know when the Superheroes >in this story, are using their secret Identity by captions like Drake (for >Darkwing) and Fenton (For Gizmoduck). SERVO: And also, please bear in mind that I have no idea as to what the hell I'm doing. >I added some Cartoon Planet as a device >much like many of What's her name's fanfics, and wondered why Tad Stones >Didn't attempt to write a story like this, CROW: Probably because he knew it would likely wind up as complete crap, like this one undoubtedly will. >In case you are the kind of person who is too Jaded by the Chronology of >Kim >McFarland's Fanfics, Gosalyn is still 10 in this story. MIKE: We'll have to check that out sometime. SERVO: Do we even *get* AOL up here? CROW: It's probably all on the 'Net by now. > >(Scene: an overview of St. Canard, which closes in on Darkwing's hideout >during the Darkwing monolougue below) SERVO:[sarcastically] No! We thought it was above this! > >Darkwing: The big city, St. Canard. A veritable Villiage of high culture. A >place of beautiful archetectual design. And a breeding ground for crime. >Today is, and will ever remain, an important chapter in this City's >history. and Why do you ask? MIKE: Uh, because I want to know? >(sits on the edge of the tower, pouting)BECAUSE, THERE ISN'T ONE DANG SIGN >OF ANY CRIME IN THIS GOSH-FORSAKEN CITY!! > CROW: Well, at least untill that monolog came along. >Launchpad: So for once there's no crime in the city. Why are you sore about >it? > SERVO: Yeah, what's the big deal about that? >Darkwing: Because i'm BORED!! BORED, BORED, BORED!!! > SERVO:[as Darkwing speaks] LAME! LAME! LAME!!! >Launchpad: so why don't you go home, you deserve a break. You know, >Gosalyn's dying to play a game of hockey with you...... > >Darkwing: (Fumes) "I'M" Gonna die if I do play hockey with Gosalyn..... > SERVO: *I'm* gonna die if this script is over five pages long. >Lauchpad: I never understood how you cn fight the likes of the Vampiric >Voodoo lord, MIKE: OK, so that means the guy's a lord of vampiric voodoo? SERVO: Or the vampiric lord of voodoo. CROW: I think Tom's closer, actually. >and his legions of undead Zombie minions, and then be afraid of a >little girl weilding a stick. > >Darkwing: at least The Vampiric voodoo lord fights fair SERVO: There's more than one voodoo lord? CROW: OK, now I'm confused. >..... Besides, I must keep in top condition to continue to fight the forces >of evil..... > CROW: Then why isn't he doing anything about this story? >Launchpad: Fine, stay here, i'm going home........ > >Darkwing: That's just fine with me............ CROW:[Launchpad] Well, OK, then! SERVO:[Darkwing] Fine! CROW:[Launchpad] Fine! MIKE: Stop it! You're only making this experience worse! > >Launchpad: but you are gonna miss "Cartoon planet" SERVO: More incentive to stay out. > >Darkwing: FRIDAY NIGHT!! BOTS:[Beavis and Butthead] FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! CROW:[Beavis] We're gonna get some! Heh-heh-heh! >already? Quick, Launchpad, We must make haste home.. > >(meanwhile, at the abandoned lighthouse) > >Megavolt: Boy, am I bored, I do think i've run out of ideas for sensless >crimes to commit on the innocent populace. Boy, do I ever need a hobby, am >I right? Yes, i'm right....? (facefaults) oh, I don't believe this, The >all-powerfull master of Electricity, talks to himself...... HEY!! you >calling me a psycho......? D'oh (Slaps himself in the head......) CROW: Yes, actually. You're a psycho that hits himself and talks too much. > >........Moments later......... > >(scene is still in the Lighthouse, but has changed into Black-&-white. >Megavolt is wearing a lab coat, and stands over a table with a lumpy >bedsheet on it, Very Like-Frankenstein.....) > >Megavolt: this is it, my moment of triumph, YES!! MUAHAHAHAAAA!! I shall >never be lonely again..... I will take this being, i hath created with my >very hands, And Reunite it with the one Spark that is human Life!!! (pulls >a switch and the table moves upward through a skylight...) STORMS, >LIGHTNING!!! LIVE!! MY CREATION, LIVE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! (the scene >switches to the outside, where there's no cloud in the night sky, crickets >chirp) > CROW: Scene pulled from an actual voyage inside the author's head. >Megavolt: (grimaces) oh, i'll do it...... (Zaps the Table with his electro >gun, as it comes back down t the ground, megavolt looks under the sheet) >IT'S ALIVE, ALIVE!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! SERVO: That's really cleched, even for a Disney fanfic. > >(a tiny lightbulb with arms and legs crawls out from under the bedsheet) > >Lighbulb: (in a thick Venice beach-type accent) Dude, Will you quit the >shouting, You're like, giving me a migrane, and Schtuff..... MIKE:[frustrated] Oh God. CROW:[annoyed] Here we go. Straight to hell. > >Megavolt: IT'S ALIVE!! AND IT TALKS LIKE A DEGENERATE TEENAGER!!! >(stares >at the lightbulb) Hello little lightbulb, i'm your Dada....... > >Lightbulb: hello Mr. YourDada, My name's like, Wattson, and Schtuff..... > >Megavolt: Hello little Wattson, i'm Megavolt... > >Lil Wattson: I thought, you were Mr. YourDada, Dude....... > >Megavolt: uh, nevermind....... Whattya want to do? CROW: Go back to the video games, for one. SERVO: Or paint the hull. MIKE: Or even eat my own face. >I know, We can plan a sensless crime together......... > >Lil Wattson: I was gonna opt for TV and Pizza, but your idea sounds better, >Dude..... CROW: Well, I'm partial to the pizza idea, myself. > >Megavolt: Great idea, slap me some skin..... (High-fives with Wattson, the >two electrocute eachother) > >.....The next night at Drake Mallard's house...... > >(Gosalyn, launchpad, and Honker sit around the TV, with a bowl of popcorn) > >(on the TV) >Space Ghost: Zorak, Did you just let out a fluffy? >Zorak: what are you talking about >Space Ghost: you know, A fluffy....... >Brak: open up ALL 'de WINDOOOWS!! SERVO: So, all the stuff that took place before this was on *Thursday* night, then? MIKE: Either that, or this is an encore showing. > >Honker: i just don't get it........ > >Gosalyn: you just don't understand Sophisticated comedy > CROW: Oh yeah, Shakespear really pales in complexity when compared to Space Ghost. >(on TV) >Brak: It's the Extra pu, that makes all the Diffrence....... > SERVO: Oh, how true. >Drake: (walks in, and sits on the couch) isn't this a repeat of last weeks >show? > >honker: A'yup, it sure is.... MIKE:[Honker] ...The encore showing from last night. > >Drake: I always hate it when a TV show is in never-ending hiatus...... how >can you watch the Exact same sketches over-and-over... > >Gosalyn: I dunno, How can you, Dad? > >Drake: uh, no comment, Talk to my lawyer.... > >(Doorbell rings, Drake walks over and awnsers it) > >Fenton: (standing outside with handfulls of luggage) Hiya, Drakie.... I'm >in town for the international Accountant's Seminar and..... > >Drake: let me guess, you need a place to stay...... > >Fenton: (gives Drake all his bags) Well I was gonna stay in a cheap motel >room, But CROW:[Fenton] I came to this rathole first. >if you insist, Drakie.... (walks over to the TV) Ooh, Cartoon Planet, My >fav'orite show...... MIKE: That proves it. Fenton's an idiot. > >Drake: Well, at least he has good taste in TV...... i'll put your things in >the guest room next to the car....... > >Launchpad: Hey, Fenton, Mah man........ > >Fenton: how you doin' Launchpad... ?(the two do a secret handshake) > >Drake: Shh, Chat time is later, TV time is now.... > >(everyone stares at the TV....) > >Brak: I once had a Beuuutiful Sa- (interrupted by news broadcast) We >interrupt this program for an important bulletin.... SERVO:[newscaster] If you are seeing this, you are in a crappy fanfic. DO NOT leave your homes, I repeat, DO NOT leave your homes until further notice unless it is a matter of absolute life and death! > >Drake: it must be pretty important to interrupt a cable channel.... > >News Guy: Megavolt is robbing the St. Canard shopping mall, The crazed >Electro-charged master criminal has spent the last half-hour unscrewing >ligtbulbs from fixtures, and putting them in, and I Quote: "A little >baggie" > >Drake & Fenton: MEGAVOLT!! >(Drake & Fenton look at eachother) > MIKE: Don't even think it, Crow. >Drake: well, Fenton it's been real, I gotta go and, uh, buy a new tea >strainer..... (runs out the front door) > >Fenton: well, that's all the same to me, Drakie, I think I left my lucky >Calculator back at the airport....... (Runs out the back door) > >Launchpad: (folds his arms) i'm not taking sides...... > SERVO:[Launchpad] I'm getting *both* of them new excuses. >Darkwing: (Peers in the door) LAUNCHPAD!!! >(grabs launchpad by the scarf, and drags him out the door) > >......At the St. Canard Mall........ > >(Darkwing, and Launchpad drive around the mall inside the Ratcatcher cycle) > >Launchpad: this scene is strangely familiar, DW.... > >Darkwing: I can't help it if the writer is lazy..... SERVO: It's a sure sign of crap when the writer has the characters call him lazy. > >Launchpad: Who wrote this garbage...? CROW: Even worse when the story refers to itself as garbage. > >Megavolt: oh great, Darkwing Duck, he's sure to foil my evil plan..... > >Lil Wattson: Uh, what are we doin' here again, Dude? > >Megavolt: you don't Remember? > >Lil Wattson: Uhhhh, Nah........ > MIKE:[peevishly] Mabey if you'd have filled us in earlier, we would! >Megavolt: Boy, for a Boon in technology, you sure are stupid...... I'll >explain it one last time, ok? We steal all the Lightbulbs in St. Canard, >and >bring them to life. Then I shall Sell them back to the Citizens.... > >Lil Wattson: Cutting out the middle man, eh Dude......? > >Megavolt: Oh, Shut up...... Anyway, once all of my Living lightbulbs are >safe >and secure, in the homes of St. Canard. They'll come to life, Rob all the >homes they are put in, and Bring all the Riches to MEEEE!! > >AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! > CROW: Dah! I've just figured out who the author is! [gets up to leave] I'm gonna go have Gypsy disassemble me, and you guys can't stop me! [exits theater] MIKE:[to Crow] Hold on a minute, Crow. [picks up Servo. mumbles a bit] We'd better go stop him. [1...2...3...4...5...6...waiting room] [Waiting Room is set up for a demonstration, with a collapsible movie screen near the big theater door and a slide projector on the couner. Crow is closest to the projector, with Mike and Servo close by.] MIKE: So, you say you've figured out who the author of today's fanfic is, Crow? CROW: Yeah, Mike. While I was waiting for you guys, I had Observer send up a little slide show to help you figure it out. Cambot, dim the lights, please. [lights dim] Turn on the projector there, Mike. [Mike turns on the projector. Some text appears on the screen] Now, I'm assuming you two recognise this. MIKE: Yes, it's a passage from "George town." We read it a few months ago, and it's still painful to look at. SERVO: What's your point? CROW: Who was the author of the story from which this passage came? MIKE and SERVO: Mike C. SERVO: Inspired by John Kricfalusi. CROW: Correct. Now, Mike, if you could advance the slides there, let's have a look at the nex slide. [Mike finds the projector controls and advances the slide. More text.] And what is this slide of? MIKE: A passage from "Dreamy," also written by Mike C. SERVO: And inspired by John Kricfalusi. CROW: Advance the slide again, Mike. [slide advances to a third batch of text] And this is today's experiment. Notice the similarities, in spite of it being a slightly better story? MIKE: Suddenly, I'm horribly depressed. SERVO: I don't think Krankor is coming this time, either. MIKE: Did you find out how long this "script" of sorts is? CROW: Sixteen pages. SERVO: Which means we've got about a dozen more to read... [commertial light flashes] MIKE: We'll be right back. [commertials] [Mike and Bots enter theater] MIKE: Sixteen pages. This'll hurt. >Darkwing: Not so fast, Sparky..... > >Megavolt: Don't CALL ME SPARKY!! > BOTS:[singing to tune of "You Can Call Me Al"] 'Cause when you call me Sparky... MIKE:[also singing to tune of "You Can Call Me Al"] I will call you Al... >Darkwing: (Appears in a cloud of smoke) I am the Terror that flaps in the >night. I am the Spinich caught in your teeth, that makes your Date Wretch, SERVO: What's a Date Wretch, Mike? CROW: I don't think he'd know, seeing as how he's never had a date. >I am DARKWIIING DUCK!! > CROW: You are also in a crappy fanfic >Megavolt: you think he's running out of ideas.....? > >Launchpad: yah' think? > MIKE: We don't think... ALL: WE KNOW!!! >Darkwing: (whiny voice) So what If I am? It's beyond the point... > SERVO: Yeah, beyond the point of being any good! >(everyone raises an eyebrow at Darkwing) > >Darkwing: Anyway...... SUCK GAS, EVILDOER!! CROW: Emphasis on *suck*, in this case. >(pulls out his gas gun, and fires a canister of Yellow Smoke at Megavolt) >HA! That gas will nullify our >electric powers, making you helpless.... SERVO: Darkwing must have used his gas to nullify the author's ability to write. MIKE: Yeah, making *us* helpless. > >Launchpad: hey, DW, I thought the red smoke was the nullification gas.... > >Darkwing: It is........? Check the color chart....... > >Launchpad: yep, red is nullification.......... > >Darkwing: So what's yellow.......? > >(Megavolt Zaps Darkwing and Launchpad, turning them into crispy black >Sillhouettes) > >Launchpad: (coff, Hack) nerve gas........ > >Megavolt: HAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAA!! (bounces off the walls and zaps electricity >in every which direction) > >Launchpad: Well, now what do we do? CROW: Die. > >Darkwing: (ducks and dodges) collect Superhero workman's comp.? > >Launchpad: (ducks and Dodges) CROW: Dah! Launchpad's taken up duck hunting! He's a cannibal! >What, Again? > >Darkwing: this is just great. I hopped up an Electric supervillian with a >ton of nerve gas, and we're running for our very lives.... This couldn't be >worse if You-know-who showed up..... > >Launchpad: Who? > >Darkwing: you know, Gizm- > >(Gizmoduck wheels in, running over Darkwing's foot) > >Gizmoduck: GIIIZMODUCK TO THE RES-CUUE!!! > >Darkwing: MYYY FOOT!!! SERVO: AAAAUUUURRRRGGGGG!!! [lid flys off and releases heavy smoke] MIKE: You ok, Tom? SERVO: [No response] CROW: Give him a couple minutes, Mike. Maybe that'll help. > >Gizmoduck: really? Because I really am here..... MIKE: That's the problem, to be honest with you... > >(Megavolt zaps electricity at Gizmoduck, at which, he Deflects his shots, >with his Elasti-Shield) CROW: I'd ask that line to make sense, but I gotta consider who wrote it. > >Gizmoduck: you might as well give up now, Foul proveyor of things what are >Evil..... > >Lil wattson & Launchpad: Hey, that's pretty creative.... SERVO: Not well written or spelled, but creative, none the less. Gotta give him that. MIKE: Better now? SERVO: Yep. > >Megavolt & Darkwing: Shut up.... CROW: All of you! Please! > >Megavolt: My electro blasts have no effect on him, I'd better use the heavy >Artillery.... >(megavolt pulls out his Electro-gun, blasts a big ol' electric shot at >Gizmoduck, the recoil sends gizmoduck into the wishing fountain, shorting >him >out, and Gizmoduck flying backward into a ladie's clothing shop) > >gizmoduck: (drives out wearing a pink dress, and a bonnet) CROW:[dryly] Crossdressing. How nice. SERVO: I think it's supposed to be cute. CROW: Doesn't really work here, though. SERVO: Not really. >Hah!! nothing takes better care of an Evil villian than a Fountain.... > >Megavolt: (meekly) As in water.......? > >Gizmoduck: You're SOAKING in it..... SERVO: I'd say! >HAH-HAAAAAAAAAH!! (presses a button, and you hear a rimshot) > >Megavolt: Must..get...away.....too...week............ Talking.....like..... >Caveman......... must harken......... Wattson..... MIKE:[Shatner impression] Must... stop talking... *like*... Shatner... > >Lil Wattson: uh, over here, dude...... > >Megavolt: don't just stand there..... DO SOMETHING!! > >Lil Wattson: geez, okay, Dude, Don't pop a socket....... >(picks up Megavolt, and runs out the mall door) > CROW: Shouldn't he short circut or something? MIKE: Yes. >Darkwing: He's getting Away, AFTER HIM!! > >Gizmoduck: No need, Darkwing, old chum, We have his stolen goods (holds up >the bag of lightbulbs) > >Darkwing: oh Geez, We saved a Buncha crummy lightbulbs, Big whoop..... SERVO: Yeah, no need to catch the crook or anything... > >Gizmoduck: My friend, you will one day learn that virtue is it's own >reward, CROW: Yeah, right. >Now, come on, i'll treat you to dinner..... CROW: That's more like it! Let's go! [tries to leave] MIKE:[pulls Crow back] Oh, no you don't. > >Launchpad: Wow, virtue came just in time, I'm starving..... > >........At Megavolt's hideout........ > >Megavolt: ooh, I hate losing, I hate Darkwing Duck, I hate Gizmoduck, I >HATE >THIS WHOLE TOWN!! RAAAHH!! >(stomps around breaking things) CROW: I hate this story. Can *I* scream and break things, Mike? MIKE: Maybe later. > >Lil Wattson: If you hate St. Canard so much, you can, Like, destroy it, and >schtuff........ > >Megavolt: Me? Destroy St. Canard? I can destroy St. Canard, I WILL DESTROY >ST. CANARD! I'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MAN WHO DESTROYED ST. CANARD!! CROW: Actually, we'd rather just see you destroy this story, if that's OK by you. >MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! >(notices a piece of pie in an otherwise empty tin, and snags it) >Me? Eat the last piece of pie? I can eat the last piece of pie. I WILL EAT >THE LAST PIECE OF PIE!! I'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MAN WHO ATE THE LAST >PIECE OF PIE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! > >Lil Wattson: Dude, Take a pill....... Ut, ow you gonna do it.....? MIKE:[Megavolt] With my mouth, the way I usually take pills! What were you expecting? > >Megavolt: MUAHAHA- I never thoght of that......... > >Lil Wattson: I know, How about you use your superior electric abilities to >Steal Gizmo-dude's metal underpants, then wear the Armor, take over the >Electrical plant, and use the power to expand your electric field to mow >over >St. Canard.......? > >Megavolt: nah, too obvious.... I know!! I can use my superior electric >abilities to Steal GizmoDuck's metal suit, then wear the Armor, take over >the Electrical plant, and use the power to expand you electric field to mow >over St. Canard!!! a brilliant plan If I say so Myself...... > >Lil Wattson: Dude, you ripped that off........ > >Megavolt: i know, I thought it'd be a funny joke. I simply can't admit that >I have not an original bone in my body...... CROW:[author] Nor do I have the ability to write effectively. > >Lil Wattson: there, theere, Dude. We'll just say it was yours..... > >Megavolt: ENOUGH OF THIS!! Let's go find SERVO:[Megavolt] The author and kill him! MIKE: That's a little extreme, isn't it? Besides, I don't think this story is justification for murder. >Gizmoduck, and then We DESTROY ST. CANARD!!!!!! MUAHAHA- > >lil Wattson: Aw let me do it this time........... > >Megavolt: Oh, ok..... > >Lil Wattson: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! > >.....at hamburger Hippo....... > >(launchpad munches out on trayfulls of burgers, While darkwing mopes and >sips >a supernaturally-thick Shake) > >Darkwing: *slurp, Slurp* This Shake is so thick, it isn't natural.... > CROW: Kinda like the author's skull when it comes to using written English. MIKE: OK, you two. That's enough jabs at the author for awhile. >Gizmoduck: Oh, it isn't really that bad..... >(presses a button, and an elecric mixer pops out of his chest cavity, and >mixes his shake) > >Darkwing: Feh, Showoff....... > >Gizmoduck: Who you calling a showoff.......? CROW:[Gizmoduck] You wanna pick a fight with me? *You* wanna pick a fight with *me?* Huh? >(Darkwing stares at Gizmoduck) >Ok, ok, I get it. you're Jealous......... > >Darkwing: AM NOT!! >( A gizmoduck voodoo doll slips out of Darkwing's pocket) MIKE: There's no hoodoo that do voodoo like he do... >Uh, that's a........... > >Launchpad: Pin cushion? > >Darkwing: Shut up...... (finishes his milkshake) Hey, Bub, Gimme another >one...... > >Cashier: Hey, it looks like you've had enough..... > >Darkwing: (Grabs the Cashier by the coller) I'll Tell you when i've had >enough, you zit-faced, bell-ringing Doofus...... > CROW: Sounds like a cameo by the author... MIKE: Crow! I thought I told you not to do that! CROW: Well, what would you have said? >gizmoduck: (brushes Darkwing off the cashier) hey, Hey, Calm down there, >pal...... > >Cashier: your friend is something else, Mr. Gizmoduck.... > >Gizmoduck: Well, Citizen, He's not a very "Well" person...... SERVO:[Gizmoduck] And your serving him alcoholic milkshakes doesn't help any. > >Darkwing: Ok, that's it (gets out of his chair, and starts doing Kung fu >stances and junk) C'mon metal Man, Let's go round, and round..... >(Kicks Gizmoduck, and breaks his toe) OOOWOWOWOW!! > >Gizmoduck: valient attempt, but my invincible might will protect me from >all danger........ > SERVO: Lucky for him there's an industry regulation against graphic violence and this author isn't good enough to do anything but follow it. >Darkwing: you self-righeous TIN CAN!! MYYY TOE!!! (hops up and down) >(starts Charging at Gizmoduck, Gizmoduck, presses a few buttons, and a >pair of hands, holding Cymbols pop out, and slam Darkwing in between them) >Goodnight, Mah-mah (faints.....) SERVO: Heh heh. Another overused cleche. Cute. CROW:[sounding tired] I feel faint, Mike. I think I need a break. MIKE: Hold out for a couple minutes. We'll get one soon. > >Launchpad: (Drags Darkwing, and puts him in the Side-car of the Ratcatcher) >Well, Uh, Thanks for the meal, Fen, I Won't waste a minute more of your >time > SERVO:[Launchpad] But if you could spare a few bucks for gas... >Gizmoduck:(In Fenton voice, whispering) Hey, Don't mention it, LP..... > MIKE: Propane? CROW: Smells like we got a leak. Better clear out for awhile. [All exit theater] [comertial for Wendy's 99-cent value meals] [Waiting Room. Mike and the Bots stand at conrtol pannel, with closed hexfield in background] MIKE: This is getting pretty bad. You guys think a song or something will cheer us up? CROW: This is way worse than anything a song can cure, Mike. SERVO: There are only a few things that can cheer us up now, my friend. And since the author isn't going to keel over any time soon... GYPSY:[off screen] Call coming in on the hexfield! [Mike and the Bots turn to look as hexfield opens to reveal Drake Mallard with a party scene in the background] MIKE: Hey, look! It's Drake Mallard, the alter ego of the "hero" in today's story! CROW: What's up, man? DRAKE: I'm throwing a party in honor of Gizmoduck's leaving St. Cannard. You guys are free to come if you'd like. MIKE: I have a feeling we'll need a party when we're done with today's experiment. It's a fanfic about you and Gizmoduck working together. DRAKE: That bad, huh? MIKE: Worse, actually. The author made you look like a bumbling fool. CROW: With a drinking problem, to boot. SERVO: Which would be no supprise, really, as you seem to be related to Donald Duck, considering all the terrible luck you had. DRAKE:[visibly disturbed by the news] Do I at least get to beat the bad guy in the end? MIKE: We're hoping you do. We're not that far yet. SERVO: But given the nature of the story and the author, I wouldn't count on it. CROW: There's still hope, though. MIKE: So, keep that party going. I have a feeling we're all going to need it before the day is done. DRAKE:[ready to cry] OK. I'll do the best I can. [hexfield closes. Mike and the Bots turn away] MIKE: Man, it really bums me out when we have to do things like that. SERVO:[comforting] Me, too, Mike. Me, too. MIKE: Thanks, Tom. [buzzers and lights go off] Back at it, I guess. [all enter theater] [6...5...4...3...2...1...theater] >(the two drive off their seperate ways, Gizmoduck heres an Alarm ringing) SERVO: Where does he an alarm ringing? CROW: Better yet, *how* does he hear the alarm ringing? > >Gizmoduck: that sounds like the Distinguishing Ringing of a Bank alarm, The >St. Canard National Bank must be violated...... CROW:[Gizmoduck] And I'm just the man for the job! >TO THE RES-CUUUE!! MIKE:[Gizmoduck] Of all the money in the safe! > >(wheels to the St. Canard bank, only to find that Megavolt and Wattson are >standing outside) > >Megavolt: Hah, I fooled you with my Plan, that Ringing was Imitated by >little >Wattson, over here CROW: my Grammer was So Bad that the Police couldn't catch me neither. MIKE: Are you doing that intentionally, Crow? CROW: wHat? MIKE: Talking funny. CROW: i Am not...... MIKE: You are... oh, forget it. > >Lil Wattson: RingaRingaRingaRinga............ SERVO:[Watson] My neckaneckaneckanecka... > >Megavolt: Ok, cut it out.......... > >Lil Wattson: Oh, 'kay, Dude........... > >Megavolt: Now (points his fingers out like guns) I'll be taking that >supersuit........... > >Gizmoduck: You can beat me to a pulp, you may Destroy my very being, but >Strip me of my Gizmosuit, and I will stand Before you..... > >Lil Wattson: Nekkid.......? CROW: new Kid? SERVO: I think the story's affecting him, Mike. Most of the characters talk this way, too. MIKE: Could be. > >Gizmoduck: Shut up........... > >(Gizmoduck rushes toward Megavolt, but Wattson Shimmies up the suit, and >Shines himself Brightly under Giz's vizor, While Temporarily blinded, >Megavolt Zaps him, and the Fission causes the suit to fly off into >Megavolt's >arms) > MIKE: I don't think so! Fission on that scale would have vaporized everything in a hundred miles of the area. CROW: yes iT would haVe, mike. >Megavolt: Well, Here's a concept i Hadn't thought of, I KNOW KNOW THE >IDENTITY OF GIZMODUCK!! > >Lil Wattson: Who is? SERVO: Who is what? > >Megavolt: The Identity of Gizmoduck is............ Uh, Who are you? > >Fenton: Uh, I won't tell you......... MIKE: My God! One of 'em just showed some intellegence! > >Megavolt: Awh, Come on, PLEASSE!?!? > >Fenton: No.... Much rather, i'll go and flee for my life, now.... >(Runs off) > CROW: good iDea! [tries to leave again] MIKE: Hold it! [holds Crow back] We'll fix you *after* the torture is over. >Lil Wattson: Well, Forget him, We got what we came for, and Schtuff.... > >Megavolt: HAHAHA!! I got the Gizmosuit...... uh, Now what? SERVO: Great. The villan can't even remember his own plan. > >Lil Wattson: Well, I may just be spittin' in the wind here, Dude, but you >could try, I dunno, DESTROYING ST. CANARD!!! > >Megavolt: Hm, Not a bad Idea, Not that i'm one to toot my own horn..... > CROW: he Toots, all right. MIKE: I hope Gypsy can fix this. SERVO: Me, too. CROW: im Not talking fuNny, i tells you! >Lil Wattson: Shut up.......... > >.............At Drake mallards house, a few weeks later, at night....... > >(Gosalyn, Honker, Launchpad, Drake, and a Forlorn Fenton sit in front of >the >TV) > >(on TV) >Brak: Heey, Zorak, you know what? >Zorak: What.........? >Brak: THAT'S WHAT!! HAHAHAHAHAHA- (interrupted by news broadcast) >Reporter: NEWSFLASH!!! Gizmoduck has gone insane, The Former "Plug-in, >Recharge >for 1 hour" Hero of millions has gone on a crime spree, >Litterally Knocking >over Hardware stores and stealing Extention cords.... > >Launchpad: But- SERVO:...head! I'm a... MIKE: Now, Tom, just because Crow's malfunctioning is no reason to start acting like him. > >Drake: *Shht..........* i'm trying to watch this, Hehehe......... > >Reporter: one of our Stupides-Uh, Bravest Camera men captured this > >footage...... > >(shows Black & White ameteur camera filming) >Megavolt: (Wearing gizmosuit) Oh, I love this so much (pushes a hardware >store >on it's Side) BOOM!! HAHAHA!! you go down........ SERVO: I wish that would happen to this author. MIKE: We're all agreed on that one. > >Drake: Gizmoduck, on a mad crime spree? Why, that's awful...... *Hehehehe* > SERVO: Read this story and say that! >Launchpad: But.......... > >Fenton: What may I ask is so funny, Drakie..? > >Drake: Uh, Nothing, Just something I saw on a campy, little Disney Cartoon > >series, Ut, look at the time, I'd better go pick up my dry >cleaning....... >(walks out the Front door) > >Launchpad: But, but..... > SERVO: Launchpad seems to like butts in this outing. CROW: lemmon AlerT! >Fenton: (Grabs Launchpad by the scarf, Drags him to the basement) A moment >of >your time, please.......... MIKE: Oh, God, no! Please don't let them be right! > >gosalyn: Adults are So Weird....... > >honker: Well, Uh, I'd argue on th- > >Gosalyn: Quiet, Brak's gonna sing a song...... ALL: NO! > >....In the basement.... CROW: Are we Saved, Mike? MIKE: We can only hope so. > >Launchpad: Waitaminnite, Why have you gone all crime crazy now? > >Fenton: It's not me, Megavolt stole my gizmosuit, He plans to destroy St. > >Canard by plugging it into the City power..... > >Launchpad: Oh, Well, how can we be sure YOU Aren't gonna do this, Fenton > >Crackshell, If that IS your real name...... How can I be sure you aren't > >lying.......? > >Fenton: *Sigh* Scouts honor....... > >Launchpad: Honest Indian? > >Fenton: Yeah, that too....... > >Launchpad: Ok, I'll believe you, But MIKE:[Launchpad, frustrated] ...why didn't you tell us sooner? >i'd be more worried about Dra-Uh, Darkwing foiling Megavolt's plans, and >then >destroy the suit.... > >Fenton: Honest Honor......... > >Launchpad: Scouts indian? > >FentoN: Yeah, that too......... > >Launchpad: Well, We'd better get moving, We'll go to my hanger and get the > >"Antique" Bi-plane..... > MIKE: D'ho! Near lemon! >Fenton: you mean the one that can't make left turns? > >Lunchpad: Well, it might not be able to make left-turns, Bit it's >ALL->RIGHT..... > >(Rimshot noise, Fenton and Launchpad laugh) ALL:[groan] > >Launchpad: well enough with the poor jokes. SERVO: Please. >To THE RES-CUUE!!! > MIKE:[Babylon 5 telepath, to Launchpad and Fenton] Pain! SERVO: Too bad that's what we have and not them. MIKE: I'd like them to have it, too, though. >..........In the middle of the St, Canard Streets...... > >Megavolt: (Drives around in the gizmosuit, with Wattson on his Shoulder) >Hahahah, This is great, I think I'll just commit a few petty Crimes before >I >destroy St. Canard.... CROW: WhaT? Stealing the extention corDs wasn't pEtty? MIKE: Well, there was the massive destruction of property while he was doing it... CROW: Oh, yeah. i forgot. >Hey, look A jeweler...... > >Lil Wattson: We're there, Dude...... > >(Megavolt drives over by the Jeweler but Darkwing duck appears in a puff of > >smoke in front of the building) > >Darkwing: I am the terror, tht flaps in th- > >lil Wattson: Hey, Dark-dude, I'd like to ask you to keep from saying your > >verse, Before, you, like embarras yourself again...... > >Darkwing: Shut up..... > >Megavolt: Well, He's got a point there.......... > >Darkwing: YOU TOO!! Grr... Now you are mine, gizmoduck...... > >Megavolt: Gizmoduck? Where? (looks around, gets elbowed by Wattson) >Oh, Yeah, right, Me......... Well, Citizen, i'll rip you into Pieces, >HAH->HAAAH!! SERVO: Oh, I see. That was supposed to be a joke. > >(the two get in one of those big Cartoon "inside-a-cloud" Fights, when the >dust >clears Darkwing is tied upside-down on a lampost) SERVO: Forgot a space and a letter. MIKE: I could go for a lamb roast right about now, though. > >Megavolt: Well It was fun, Dorkwing, But now I'm off to destroy St. Canard, > >MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! >(Drives off, Accidently leaving Wattson behind) > >Darkwing: Oh no! Gizmoduck's gone insane, We're all doomed!!!! SERVO: We knew that from the beginning of the story. >(Wattson Gives Darkwing a weird look) >Uh, I mean Let's get Dangerous........ >(struggles to untie himself) Hm, this might take a little more time to get > >dangerous on............ CROW: tHis has Been Dangerous since the Beginning Of the Story. > >.........At the St. Canard power plant........... > >(Megavolt takes off the suit helmet, and puts it on a table. He proceedes >to >plug himself in, through the Suit in various places with the Extention > >cords.....) > >Megavolt: This is great, Wattson (looks around) Wattson? Aw, Geez, Well, >I'm >Just gonna end up talking to myself again.......... Well, Well, Look >who's come >Crawling back........ Grrr...... > >(The Bi-plane crashes through the Cieling, Launchpad, and fenton climb out) > SERVO: The man has no ability to use grammar or spelling, does he? MIKE: Makes some damn good lemons, though. > >Fenton: You See, We would have gotten here if you took that left Turn.... MIKE: They seem to have gotten there alright... SERVO: Either that or they're about to stop the wrong bad guy. > >Launchpad: You're kidding, Right? > >Fenton: Well, i'm not kidding Left >(they both laugh) > >Megavolt: HEY!! What are you two doing here? > >Launchpad: We've come to stop you, you Gizmoduck imposter...... CROW: Wow! Two gramatically correct sentences in a row! I think I'm cured! MIKE: Good! It'll save Gypsy some trouble later. > >Megavolt: Well, You're too late, Man, For I will now cause a power surge >that >will destroy all of St. Canard, MUAHAHAHA- > >Fenton & Launchpad: HAHAHAHA... Yeah, We know..... SERVO: ...not what to do! > >(Darkwing appears in a puff of Smoke) > >Darkwing: Now you're Mine, Gizm- uh, Megavolt? > >Megavolt: Whoops, I'm not Decent.... SERVO: Nothing new there. >(Puts on the helmet) Gizmoduck I am, I'm Gizmoduck, Gizmoduck I am > CROW: With green eggs and ham. SERVO: Sam I Am. >Darkwing: HYAH, MITSUBISHI!! (kicks the helmet of Megavolt) Well, It's >either >Megavolt in disguise, Or, Gizmoduck is molting like Nobody's >buisness > >(the helmet Flies through the air, Fenton catches it) > >Megavolt: Well, you may stop me, but it doesn't matter, Because SoonI WILL > >DESTROY ST CANARD!!! > >Launchpad: I thoughrt we Clarified this......... > CROW: ...cow dung. MIKE: Good one, Crow! >Darkwing: Shut up......... And as for you (pulls Wattson out of his pocket, > >points his Gun at him) one false move and the lightbulb gets it..... > >Lil Wattson: Belive Him, Dude, I'm Fragile............ SERVO: And all this time I thought his name was "Wattson." > >Megavolt: Go ahead kill him, let the little Degenerate Die with the rest of > >you, "I" Got the Suit, And noone's gonna leave here ALIVE!! > MIKE: The Forresters have been saying that for years. >Fenton: (Sneaks behind the Geneartor) *Whispering* Blatherin' Blatherskite >(the Gizmosuit flies off Megavolt, onto Fenton) > >Megavolt: Aw, Crud.............. > >Gizmoduck: The Jig is up, Electro-Feeb...... HAH-HAAAH!! > >Darkwing: But.... > >Gizmoduck: (Beating up Megavolt) Take this, Take that, Eat Gizmo-power, >FIEND!! > >Darkwing: But- > >Launchpad: Let the Superhero thwart Evil, DW, Hehehee........ CROW: ...is my...[muffled by Mike] MIKE:[holding Crow's beak] Don't say it! > >....Later.... CROW:[tries to leave] Later... MIKE:[holding Crow back] How many times do I have to ask you to *stay here*? > >(the Cops take away Megavolt) > >Cop: Well, it seems as though it Was Megavolt impersonating you this whole > >time....... > >Gizmoduck: Well, It looks like you don't need to worry about him >anymore....... > >Megavolt: (Being crammed into the Squad caR) IT WASN'T ME, IT WAS THE ONE > >ARMED MAN!!!! > >Lil Wattson: Oh, Sure, Blame me..... > >Megavolt: Shut up...... > >cop: Well, Mr. Gizmoduck, Sir, We only have one more task you need to do > >Gizmoduck: Just name it..... MIKE: Teach the author how to write! > >Cop: Sign, this glossy picture, For my son..... SERVO: So, what he said was "Sign *and* this glossy picture *and* for my son." CROW and MIKE: Yep. > >(As Gizmoduck signs, a bunch of pretty Femme Ducks crowd around him) > >DarkwinG: Oh Gee, how could i ever doubted that Megavolt was only >impersonating >Gizmoduck, "HE" Wasn't surrounded by babes........... MIKE: But then, the *real* Gizmoduck isn't surrounded by hot chicks most of the time, either. > >Gizmoduck: Hey, i'm theprotector of all that is good and Righeous, I can't >help >it if Chicks Dig me...... CROW: ...a grave and bury me in it. MIKE: Sounds like the author's fantasy. SERVO: Which one? MIKE: The women being hot for him, of course. > >THE END!!! > >Credits...... > >Story by: Mike C. >Scripting: Mike C. CROW: Who failed miserably on both accounts. >Special thanks to: Jimmy Bijon and Kim "Negaduck" McFarland >(Me: Gee Kim, How can I get you to read my fanfiction? >Kim: Simple, Put Darkwing in it......) MIKE:[Kim McFarland] Oh yes, and learn how to write, too. >also to RSmith (RPG: quackerjack & Serena) For no good reason at all.... CROW: Simply because there weren't any. [All exit theater] [1...2...3...4...5...6...waiting room] [Waiting Room. Mike and the Bots are around the control pannel] CROW: Ugh. That was a nasty trip. SERVO: Sure was. I'm glad it's over. MIKE: We all are. But remember, Drake Mallard invited us to that party. [gets out three party hats and puts one each on Servo, Crow, and himself] I figure that'll cheer us up a little bit. I've set the hexfield to call Drake back in a couple seconds. Gypsy! We're ready to start! Come on in! [Gypsy enters, also wearing party hat. Hexfield opens to reveal an empty room with the remains of a wrecked party. A single balloon falls off the far wall.] MIKE: Drake? You there? [no response] Gosalyn? Launchpad? [no response] Huh. We must have depressed them too badly earlier. [Drake enters hexfield, looking kinda down. Notices Mike and the Bots] DRAKE: Oh. Hi, guys. How did the story end? MIKE: Worse than expected, even for this author. SERVO: And that's saying something. DRAKE: So, what happened? Was there a fight? Did I win? MIKE: Oh, yeah. There was a fight. CROW: But you didn't win. SERVO: Mostly because you weren't even in it. DRAKE: But why? CROW: Well, Fenton did the one thing he should have done right when his suit was stolen. He said his "magic words," got his costume back, and proceeded to bust one to Megavolt without even giving you a chance. DRAKE:[begins wimpering] SERVO: What's worse is that everyone completely ignored you afterwords. DRAKE:[begins crying outright] [hexfield closes] MIKE: Oh, good one, guys. It'll take him weeks to get over that. CROW:[sounds down] Sorry, Mike. Now I feel worse than I did when we left the theater. SERVO:[sounds down as well] Me, too. I just hope Pearl doesn't realize what she's got here. CROW: You know what, Mike? You're the one that called Drake back. You're partly responsible for bringing him down, too! MIKE: Yeah, I know. It really bites. [Castle Button flashes, Mike taps] Yes, Pearl? [Castle Forrester. Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are in room] PEARL: Mike, I'm having Brain Guy put this one in the files. It seems to have a great ripple effect. OBSERVER: Yes, madam. It does at that. [Hands story to Bobo] Here, put this in the file. BOBO: OK. [takes file and steps off screen] PEARL: Your spirits may not be broken, but you've given me a good tool. [Waiting Room] MIKE: Does that mean we won't get as many experiments now? CROW: That'd be nice. SERVO: Yeah. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Well, I guess...NOT! You'll still get as many stories and films as before! [Bobo starts making noises off screen] OBSERVER: He must have looked at the story. I'll go help him. [steps off screen] PEARL:[giggles] This one's better than I thought! [Observer and Bobo both come into scene, obviously having looked at the story. Bobo still making funny noises] PEARL: Gee, Brains, Monkey Boy's really locked up. What happened to you guys? OBSERVER: Error! Error! Malfunction! Does not compute! [Waiting Room] MIKE and SERVO:[laughing histerically] CROW:[over laughter of others and self] Now that's funny! [Season 9 end credits] Other credits: MST3K and related characters copyright Best Brains, Inc. and Sci Fi Channel. Darkwing Duck and related characters and locations copyright Walt Disney, Inc. MiST by Jesse Shearer. email contact: ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com. Final Fantasy 9 copyright Squaresoft, Inc. Beavis and Butthead copyright MTV. "You Can Call Me Al" copyright and performed by Paul Simon. Space Ghost, Cartoon Planet, and related characters copyright Hanna-Barbera. Wendy's copyright Wendy's International, Inc. AOL copyright AOL-Time Warner. "Green Eggs and Ham" copyright Dr. Seuss Writings of Kim McFarland copyright Kim McFarland