Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: "Pasts and Presents" By Varakorn Ungvichian (rover_wow@yahoo.com) and Jesse Shearer (ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com) Here comes MSTing #6... And it's another "Road Rovers" MSTing. This time around though, it's a fanfic I'm doing here... It's written like a movie script, meaing that someone saying something usually takes up 3 lines, so the riffs will feel more sparse. Anyway Road Rovers is (C)1996 Warner Brothers and MST3K is (C) 1989 Best Brains. Everything else is (C) whoever owns them. (Theme song, door sequence, all that stuff that opens an MST3K ep) Mike: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and these guys who're clicking away here are my pals Tom and Crow. We're looking for examples of shows so popular, there are literally bundles of fan websites about 'em. Guys, what do we have?... Tom: I've found 2... South Park and something called Mystery Science Theater... (crack noises) Mike (interrupting): Oh brother, you cracked the wall... could you spackel it for us please?... (*Get it? He broke the 4th wall*) Tom: What did I do?... (leaves to get some spackel) Mike: And Crow... Crow: I got 2: Rugrats and Road Rovers. Mike: Stuff we've done before, huh?... Tom (off screen): Sheesh, blame ME for everything around here why don't you?... (Tom pops up with a small container.) Tom: Could you help me with this?... Mike: In a minute Tom... We'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (M&TB are finishing up fixing a wall. Mike wipes his hand on a towel.) Mike: So, Rugrats first. What exactly do you think has made the show so popular? Crow: Well, it has something to do with the fact that the show has always portrayed a slice of American life from the bottom up... Mike: I see... Tom: And then there's the grown-ups' curiosity about the mind of a baby... Mike: Well, that works... Crow: Of course, the potty humor also certainly helps... (Baby Dil, like in the Paris film) Wee wee! Mike: On to South Park... Tom: Well, it's like Rugrats, except it's full of cussing. Somehow, the swearing is part of the show's appeal... Crow: Yeah, especially Kenny's death in every show... I mean almost every show... Remember the Christmas one? Tom: Yeah. We just did it a couple frickin' weeks ago! Crow: And of course the show's parodic qualities have been quite a draw... Mike: That's enough... next is Road Rovers... Tom: You'll have to attribute lotsa stuff to the short lived series' appeal to a certain group of net junkies called 'furries'... Mike: Who are... Tom: Guys obsessed with humanoid animals... anyways, there's the show's variety of stereotypical accents, there's the action, done in the way only the WB can deliver. Crow: And then there's that tongue in cheek quality of their jokes... and of course the show has its strengths when it comes to the writing... Tom: Too bad they had to go all-drama... Crow: Hey, I liked Batman Beyond! Well, at least I'd like it. Mike: And what about Mystery Science Theater... (crack noises) Mike: Uh oh, we better get back to work repairing the wall... (They've hardly continued when someone calls) Mike: Hold on guys, it's Microsoft's customer service department... (presses button) (It's Dr. Forrester and Frank. DUH!) Forrester: Hello Nelson. Up to some housekeeping, are we, gentlemen? Mike: Why yes. We're just making sure the walls don't break down... Forrester: Good thinking, test subject of mine... Anyways, you've done the transcripts of the first 2 eps of 'Road Rovers'... Guess what I have for you today? Crow: The THIRD ep? Forrester: Nope, something even worse... you know, 'Road Rovers' has spawned loads of websites, and with websites comes fan fiction. Frank, would you kindly explain that to our little guys? Frank: You see, when a show becomes popular, guys write stuff inspired by it, featuring the original characters, but sometimes adding new ones, to satisfy their little urge... The stuff is called fan fiction, some good, some bad. This one here, hopefully, is of the latter. Forrester: It's called 'Pasts and Presents', and true to the ways of fanfic, there's a new character. Two, even! I hope you 'enjoy' it... I certainly will... Frank, send 'em the fic. (Frank presses button) Tom: Well, I think the cracks have all been all fixed up... Crow: I sure hope we don't break the wall again... Tom: Don't blame me if that happens, OK? (Movie sign, traditional panic, door sequence, all enter the theater) Tom: 'Road Rovers' yet again? Crow: Yeah, what IS it with him and the Rovers?... Mike: Ah, shut up! > ROAD ROVERS > > > "Pasts and Presents" Mike: Lemme guess, a story about what the Rovers have been receiving for Christmas in the past... > > > Story by > Greywolf Lupous > > > Script by > Greywolf Lupous and Kitson Paws Crow: So it's a fanscript, eh? Doesn't bode well for me. Mike: Same for us, pal. > > (with some minor help at the beginning from Steven Today) Tom: As well as Michael Yesterday and Robert Tomorrow. > > > 1ST ROUGH DRAFT > > April 1, 1997 > > > 2ND ROUGH DRAFT > > December 7, 1997 > Tom: 1997? Man, this story's sure old... > >Road Rovers characters, names, situations and the Road >Rovers universe are the property of Warner Bros. We nor this >script are connected with Warner Bros. in any way, shape or >form. Story contents, characters, names, situations are >Copyright 1996-1997 by Greywolf Lupous. All rights reserved. >This document may not be publicized or reproduced in any way, >shape or form. It must remain fully intact and may not be altered >in anyway. It is strictly used for not-for-profit entertainment >purposes and is not intended to infringe on any Copyrights. (During this, everyone's snoring...) Tom: Yeah, yeah, bring on all that legal crap! > > "Pasts and Presents" Crow: Uh author, we know the title already. You don't have to write it *twice*. > >FADE IN: > >EXTERIOR: STREETS OF DOWNTOWN HOUSTON >This is the downtown area of Houston skyscrapers seem to >reach to the sky. Tom: Whoa, bad punctuation here... Crow (writer): Suddenly, a 747 crashes into them. (Yep, trying to incorporate Sept 11 into the story... there's another ref towards the end.) >People are walking about, tending to their >own businesses. A car races down the street. Mike: Hey, Dale Earnhart Jr.'s trailing behind! >The car is jet >black, Tom: As opposed to prop white. >and has a Road Rover symbol (a red barking dog) with >a red circle and a red line through it. Mike: If there's something strange, in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Others: Dog busters! >At the wheel is >Fluffy, Mike: This is the 4th time we've seen someone named Fluffy here... Crow: Well, that name IS popular for pets. >a golden cocker spaniel Cano-Mutant. Sitting in the >passenger seat is Rammer, a red Irish Setter Cano-Mutant. >Rammer is holding a black leather suitcase. Tom: He's on his way to the trading floor... >The Deluxe >Street Rover speeds around the corner in hot pursuit.. Mike: 'Deluxe'? What's the extra, more pepperoni? Tom: More like extra *cheese*. Geddit, cheese? As in cheesy. Mike: Yeah, got it a while ago. > >INTERIOR: DELUXE STREET ROVER >Hunter is at the wheel, with Colleen in the seat next to >him. Sitting in the seat behind them is Blitz and Exile. >Shag is in the seat behind Exile, and Muzzle (in his >handcart) is strapped to the chair. Blitz looks at Exile. > > BLITZ > (THICK GERMAN ACCENT, EXCITED) >Are we there yet? > > EXILE > (THICK RUSSIAN ACCENT, ANNOYED) >Nyet. Crow: At least the author's got the Russian down pat. Tom: And that's a good thing? Crow: ...Nope. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Are we there yet? > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >Nyet. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Are we there yet? > >Exile turns to Blitz, annoyed. > > EXILE > (ANGRY) >Nyet! We don't even know where we are going. Mike (Blitz): Exile... don't sound like some postimpresionist artist. Please? (Reference to a postimpressionist painting, 'Where Do We Come From? What are We? Where Are We Going?' by Paul Gauguin.) > > BLITZ > (CONFUSED) >But we are chasing baddies. Are we done chasing them yet? > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) Mike: But not as much as us... >Nyet. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Are we done chasing them yet? > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) Crow: [Exile] Are you done asking stupid questions yet? >Nyet. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Are we done chasing them yet? Mike: The Russian better freeze that dog's mouth shut... > > EXILE > (ANGRY) >You ask that one more timeski and I'll freeze your mouth >shut! Mike: See, even *he* agrees with me. > >Blitz shrugs his shoulder. Tom: Does it have to go into that much detail? Mike: Being a script styled fanfic... yes it does. > > BLITZ > (HURT) >Ooops. Tom: This whole fic is a big 'oops' if you ask me. Mike: Attacking the fic already, eh? Tom: Never too early to start. >Sorry. > >Blitz looks forward, Exile does too and folds his arms. > > BLITZ > (MEEK) Mike: 'Meek'? I dunno... he's not my type to inherit the earth. >Hunter. > >Hunter turns his head and looks at Blitz. > > HUNTER > (AMERICAN ACCENT, INTERESTED) >Yes? > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Are we there yet? (Everyone slaps themselves in the head) > >Hunter groans and Exile slaps himself in the forehead, Colleen turns >towards Hunter. > > COLLEEN > (THICK ENGLISH ACCENT, FRUSTRATED) >Please tell me this thing has a rear ejection seat. Crow (Colleen): Please tell me this is gonna be over soon... Tom: Copy and paste authoring, everyone! > >EXTERIOR: STREETS OF HOUSTON >The car zips around another corner and pulls into a garage of a large >warehouse, the door closes. The Deluxe Street Rover speeds after the car >and skids to a stop right before they hit the door. Hunter climbs out of the >Deluxe Street Rover and tiptoes up to the window of the warehouse. Tom: A sniper on the roof across the street blows his brains out. Others: Yay! > > HUNTER > (WHISPER) >Follow me, and be quiet. > > COLLEEN > (OFF SCREEN, CURIOUS) Tom: 'Off Screen'? Alright, this is getting freaked up here... Crow: 'Getting'? It was already like that when it started. Tom: Good point. >What's in there Huntie? > >Hunter turns toward the car and places his finger up to his lips. Crow: His middle one? > > HUNTER > (LOUD WHISPER) >Shhh! > >The other Rover, including Muzzle, gather around Hunter. Mike: Wait a minute! I didn't know that 'Rover' was both singular *and* plural! Crow: They *are* kinda like sheep, though, Mike. That might be why. Tom: Guys, ever heard of *typos*? Mike: Uh yeah. Just making a joke there. >They all turn back to the window and look inside with great concern. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Now are we there? Tom (Hunter): Yes, now shut the hell up... > >Everyone but Blitz shakes their head and groans. Mike: ...and then yell, 'DUH!' Crow (Exile): I'm SO gonna fire my agent when I'm done with this crap... > >INTERIOR: WAREHOUSE >Cano-Mutants are everywhere transporting crates and heavy equipment >into large eighteen-wheel trucks. > > PARVO > (OFF SCREEN, ANGRY) >Get the dogs! Load them into the trucks! You can finish with the >equipment later! Crow (Parvo): But please get those vibrators... Mike: Crow... > >The Cano-Mutants put down the equipment and begin to load cages full of >dogs into another big eighteen-wheeler. The license plate reads >GEN-PAR. Mike: If you've seen this car, please contact 'America's Most Wanted'. > > PARVO > (OFF SCREEN, CONCERNED) >I know the Rovers can't be far behind. I can feel it in my fur. Crow: Fur... he sounds like a gay villain... Tom: Parvo played by Brandon Quinton. (The gay guy in Survivor Africa) > >The Cano-Mutants continue to work. > >EXTERIOR: WAREHOUSE >The Rovers are still looking in through the window. Hunter turns and >looks at the other Rovers. > > HUNTER > (WHISPER) >Let's go Rovers, we'll sneak down through the roof. Tom (random Rover): Oh yeah, what if it's on fire? Crow (Hunter): Then we'll just sing that catchy 'The Roof is On Fire' song. > >Colleen turns to Hunter, so do the other Rovers. She gasps and feels his >forehead. > Crow: No, no, Colleen. His forehead is above his eyes, not below his belt... Mike: That was really uncalled for, Crow. > COLLEEN > (SHOCKED, WHISPER) >Are you feeling all right Huntie? Tom: [Hunter] I will be when you stop calling me “Huntie.” > >Hunter looks at Colleen, concerned. > > HUNTER > (CONCERNED, WHISPER) Tom: What I'm really *concerned* about is how lame this fic will get. >Yeah. Why? > >Colleen removes her hand. > > COLLEEN > (SURPRISED, WHISPER) >Because that plan sounds like it might actually work. Tom: (cymbal noise) > >Hunter chuckles. Mike: We aren't. Got a problem? > > HUNTER > (WHISPER, LAUGHING) >I've been practicing. Crow: ...unlike whoever wrote this crapfest. >You like it? Mike (Girl in Eminem video 'Stan'): Stanley! Tom (Dido): Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all. > > COLLEEN > (WHISPER, PLEASED) >Impressive. > >Hunter smiles, turns and starts to walk away. The other Rovers follow, >Blitz walks next to Exile. > > BLITZ > (WHISPER, UNEASY) >Actually, I would have preferred a plan dealing with us driving far from >here. Tom: Or, to paraphrase Chuckie Finster, 'This doesn't sound like such a good idea...' > >Exile looks at Blitz, he looks scared. > > EXILE > (WHISPERS, STERN) Crow (Howard Stern): Wanna get nude? >Don't be scared boy. > >Exile looks forward and they continue to walk. Blitz is still uneasy. > >INTERIOR: WAREHOUSE >Rammer and Fluffy hand the leather brief case to Parvo, Groomer stands >next to him. He is very pleased. > > PARVO > (PLEASED) >Excellent. I trust there were no complications. > Tom: [Fluffy] We're in a crappy fanfic, sir. >Fluffy and Rammer look at each other, scared. They gulp hard and turn >back to Parvo. They shake their heads. Parvo smiles. > > PARVO > (PLEASED) >Good. I guess my fears were unfounded. Now I have the entire city of >Houston mapped. We can move to. Crow: [Parvo] ...a new neighborhood if we want. > >Parvo begins to cough. > > PARVO > (COUGHING) >Hit me! Crow (Pat Benatar): With your best shot! > >Groomer fires a purple couch drop into Parvo's mouth. He >sucks on it and stops coughing. He looks at Groomer, >uncertain. > > PARVO > (UNCERTAIN) >What flavor is this? > > GROOMER > (THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT, UNEASY) >Grape, General sir. We're all out of the other flavors. > >Parvo smiles. > > PARVO > (PLEASED) >No matter. Once I'm done with Houston I can have all the cough drops I >want. > >Suddenly a tennis ball drops through the sky light, Mike: Hey, Anna Kournikova's here... >it bounces several times >then comes to a rest near a Cano-Mutant. The rest notice this. > > PARVO > (CONFUSED) >A tennis ball? > >The Cano-Mutant reaches down for the tennis ball. > > PARVO > (FRANTIC) >Nooo! > >The Cano-Mutant touches the ball and it explodes. Gas sears from the >blown-up ball filling the entire room, making it impossible to see. Tom (writer): Thereby saving quite some budget here. >Coughing is heard. > > PARVO > (COUGHING) >Hit me! > Bots: [various gun noises] >The sound of Groomer's cough drop gun firing is heard. The smoke clears >and the coughing stops. In the middle of the warehouse are the Rovers. > > HUNTER > (SARCASTIC) >Don't you just hate it when guests drop in unexpectedly? Tom: Well we don't seem to... > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >It's the Road Rovers! I knew it! > Crow: Oh, admit it! You had no idea who it was! > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >Don't ya think it's nice to be finally recognized in high places? > > HUNTER > (PLEASED) >I know, I guess we're just lucky that way. > > BLITZ > (SARCASTIC) >Now only if we could get J. K. to recognize us. Crow (J.K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter): Well, I don't write action novels, so nope. (In case you're wondering, J.K. actually refers to Jamie Kellner who was WB exec at the time Road Rovers aired, and possbily is the one to blame for the Rovers' 'early' cancellation. At least, that's what I think.) > >Exile looks around at all the baddies. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >Um. Hunter. Wouldn't it have been betterski to use the knock gas tennis >ball instead of the smoke screen one? Tom (Exile): Do not tell me we fresh out of knock gas again-a... > > HUNTER > (DEFENSIVE) >And miss an opportunity to make a grand entrance? Crow (Exile): Well, it dumb all the same... > >Parvo looks at Fluffy and Rammer. Crow: I could, but I won't. Mike: Thank you. > > PARVO > (ANNOYED) >When this is over we're going to have a long discussion on the definition >of No Complications. > >Parvo looks at the other Cano-Mutants and points at the Rovers. > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >Attack! > >The Cano-mutants begin to close in on the Rovers. > > EXILE > (EXCITED) >Here comes the wagon welcome! (Tom does a little music that would be perfect for a western) > >Colleen gets in a fighting stance. > > COLLEEN > (SCREAMS) >Disney! Mike: ...presents another piece of 'family-friendly' crap. > >Colleen tosses a Cano-Mutant over her head using her legs. > > BLITZ > (PLEASED) >Now is the time for the biting of soft squishy things. Tom: Duh, like your head... > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >Da. Like your head. Tom: D'oh! > >Hunter is running around ten Cano-mutants, leaving a trail of fire where >ever he goes. Hunter stops running, and jumps to the side. The ground on >which Hunter was running turns into a large trench. Mike: The author's remaking 'Saving Private Ryan'. >The ground that the >Cano-Mutants are >standing on crumbles down. A Cano-Mutant is opening a cage with a >female golden retriever mix in it. > > BLITZ > (OFF SCREEN, EXCITED) >Yoo hoo! Evil cano-dog! Let me come and bite your tooshie! > >The Cano-Mutant looks at Blitz as he flashes his super sharp claws and >teeth. His eyes open wide with fear and it begins to run away from Blitz. Crow: Contradictory use of pronouns... gotta hate it. >Blitz rushes by the cage and continues to chase the Cano-Mutant. The >retriever slinks out >of the cage and off. Colleen swings a Cano-Mutant into the wall. > > COLLEEN > (SCREAMS) >Paramount! > Mike: [hums opening beats of “Star Trek” theme] >A block of ice containing a Cano-Mutant slides past Colleen. Tom: ...and into Hunter, knocking him out. Crow: Oh you wish. >Exile's eyes >glow white as he freezes another Cano-Mutant. Tom (Mr. Freeze): The iceman cometh. > > EXILE > (SARCASTIC) >They don't call me Mr. Good Fun for nothing. Mike: Just like we don't call Dr. Forrester a 'Mad' for nothing... > >Behind Exile, Parvo and Groomer are climbing into a big truck. A >Cano-Mutant loads one last cage into the truck. In the cage is a female >German shepherd with a black diamond on her head, black ears, a black >nose bridge, and a black stripe leading from midway on her head to the tip >of her tail. Black bands wrap around her legs, extending from the top of >her paws up to the mid-section of her lower leg. On each of her cheeks is a >small black dot. Tom: We get it! She's friggin' full of black. Mike: This sounds like a 'lost dog' ad... could we get back to the story? Please? >Colleen and Hunter look at each other. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >What do you say we call it a day? > >Colleen smiles. > > COLLEEN > (BLUNT) >Fine by me. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >But there are still more Cano-Mutant doggie things to bash. > >Colleen looks at Exile. > > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >We know. Tom: I don't know about you but... that sounded tasteless... > >Hunter turns towards Muzzle. > > HUNTER >Muzzle! Come here boy! > >Muzzle bounces over to Hunter, still strapped to his hand cart. Hunter >takes the metal muzzle off of Muzzle's face. > > HUNTER > (EXCITED) >Let's muzzle `em! > >Muzzle breaks out of his restraints and lunges at the Cano-Mutants, who >are now fleeing in all directions. Colleen turns away from the sight. > > COLLEEN > (DISGUSTED) >Terribly dreadful! Tom: Yeah, that's how this fic's gonna be. > >Hunter looks away. > > HUNTER > (DISGUSTED) >Oooh, Muzzle, take it easy! > Mike: [Hunter] This is a kids' show! >Exile looks away. > > EXILE > (DISGUSTED) >I think I'm going to be sickski Mike: We agree... (Crow makes vomit noises) > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Go Muzzle Dog go! Mike: Written by P.D. Eastman. > >Blitz watches some more, then turns away. > > BLITZ > (DISGUSTED) >Exile, you have a spare barf bag? > >Parvo's truck starts up. The Rovers snap out of it. Exile spots Groomer and >Parvo in the truck. > > EXILE > (EXCITED) >Evil Parvo Man is getting awayski! Tom (Hunter): What, again? > >Parvo's truck speeds up and bashes through the closed metal garage door. >Cano-mutants begin running after the truck. The Rovers prepare to chase >after them when they hear Muzzle snarling. As the Rovers rush over to the >sound, the cage containing the German shepherd falls out of the truck. >Muzzle is near a corner with his hackles raised. He is facing the female >Golden Retriever mix. Hunter walks up behind Muzzle and the growling >dog. > > HUNTER > (REASSURING) >Whoa Muzzle. > >Hunter carefully drags Muzzle away from the corner, and Colleen places >her hand on the retriever's back. The retriever growls at Colleen. > > COLLEEN > (REASSURING) >Easy girl, we're here to help you. > >The Retriever calms down. > Mike: Some dogs do that before they bite. Tom: That dog is about the only one in the story that *doesn't* bite, if you ask me. > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >C'mon Rovers, let's head home. > >The area around the Rovers is a mess. Mike: And so is this fanfic posing as a script. > > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >This seems familiar. > > HUNTER > (SARCASTIC) >Dejavu. Tom: You mean Google. (At the time, Deja had just been bought by Google.) > >Hunter helps Muzzle get strapped back to his handcart and the Rovers >begin to leave. The retriever follows them, and then begins to bark. > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >What now? > >The Rovers turn to look in her direction. Mike: *HER*? I thought Blitz was *male*! >The retriever is standing by the >fallen cage with the German shepherd. Exile rushes over and helps the >shepherd out, who limps out. > > EXILE > (EXCITED) >Doggie is hurt. > > COLLEEN > (CONCERNED) >Let's get her back to base. > >Exile picks dog up and the Rovers exit the warehouse. > >EXTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - GROUNDS >Deep in a large cavern in the earth is a lighted complex of buildings >(shaped like fire hydrants) and clear tubing (that connect the buildings >together). Moonlight also shines from above. (Crow does a bit of the Moonlighting theme.) >This is where the Road >Rover's base all their operations from. > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - SICKBAY >Professor Hubert is examining the German Shepherd's paw while she sits >on a medical table. He ah's and oh's a lot. The Rovers look on, concerned. >The female retriever looks up at the German Shepherd with equal concern. >Finally, Hubert turns to them. > > HUBERT > (AMERICAN ACCENT, PLEASED) >Well her paw seems to be sprained. Other than a few bruises, she'll be >fine. > Mike: [Hubert] I think, anyway. Since I'm a dog, I have no idea whatsoever as to how to go about using all this high-tech medical equipment. >Hubert smiles. Hunter points down to the female retriever. > > HUNTER > (CONCERNED) >What about this one? > > HUBERT > (BLUNT) >She seems fine to me. No new wounds. Crow (Hubert): Just a broken spine. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Good, maybe she can she tell us what Parvo was doing? > >Colleen looks at Hunter. > > COLLEEN > (CAUTIOUS) >No offense Huntie Wuntie. But your translation skills aren't all that up to >par. Tom (Colleen): And speaking of 'par'... you need work on your golf game. > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >Yah. Like last week when Mop Boy had thorn in his paw you thought he >told you he wanted to go on a diet. > > HUNTER > (DEFENSIVE) >It was an honest mistake! > >Everyone but Shag and Hunter start laughing. > > EXILE > (LAUGHING) >Yeah right! That is like Weird Boy giving up tooshie biting. > Mike: Or the author writing coherently. Crow: Or these doggies not saying lame bon mots. > BLITZ > (LAUGHING) >Yah. > >Blitz stops laughing. > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >Hey! > >Everyone calms down. > > COLLEEN > (CAUTIOUS) >Either way. You get our point. > >Hunter nods and rubs his chin. > > HUNTER > (THINKING) >Yeah. I guess that means there is only one way to be sure. > >Blitz's eyes widen. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >You don't mean. Tom: I've got a feeling it involves those weird chamber thingies. Mike: You mean the 'transdogmafiers'? Tom: Yeah, that's it. > >Hunter smiles and nods. > > BLITZ > (FRUSTRATED) >Aaah. I hate this next part. Mike: Something tells me we will too. >I always end up getting bit in the tooshie. > >The other Rovers start laughing again. Mike: We need a break. (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: So, what do you think of it so far? Tom: Well, I smell the 1st new character coming up... Crow: You know what annoys me the most? The fanfic's script format. Mike: I see... When it comes to doing fanfics, what formats are there? Crow: Well, there's the script format, with colons, present tense, parentheses and all that stuff... Tom: Well, I've seen quite a few fanfics written in prose style, as if it were a bedtime story, y'know using past tense and all that... Crow: And I've seen some fanfics written in what seems to be a mix, there's present tense, but written as if it were prose. Tom: There's a consensus... this last format is the absolute worst. What we haven't got a consensus on is which one is the BEST. Mike: Well let's weigh the pros and cons... Tom? Tom: Prose format is more natural to read, and you can get into emotion with more detail. With script, descriptions of emotions, and just about everything else, is pretty limited in detail, not to mention literary quality... Prose pretty much leaves little to imagination... Crow: And that's the con in my book, I feel that imagining the story as it goes is easier when the script format is used. And though emotions can't be done in so much detail, who needs that much detail? Besides, I've seen artistically prosy descriptions in movie scripts... Mike: Okay... So the 2 formats' pros and cons don't seem to outweigh each other enough to make a consensus worthwhile. Tom: Yeah, they're equally good... Crow: Gotta agree with you on that, Servo... Mike (noticing flashing sign): We'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (All re-enter the theater) > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - >TRANSDOGMAFIER ROOM >Hunter's Transdogmafier is in high gear. Light and smoke flash inside of >it. Once the machine reaches full cycle Tom: Author... this thingy isn't a washing machine. >the machine shuts off and the >smoke clears. The female retriever mix emerges from the Transdogmafier >in Cano-Sapien form, wearing Crow: Ooh, I bet she's wearing something tasty... like *nothing at all*! Mike: Hey! >the regular Rover armor. Crow: Eh, tasty enough for me. >She walks up to >the Rovers and looks herself over. > > FEMALE RETRIEVER > (AMERICAN ACCENT) >Cooooooo!!!! Mike: Uh, she's supposed to be a *dog*. Not a bird. > > COLLEEN > (BLUNT) >What's your name kid? > > FEMALE RETRIEVER > (CONFUSED) >Name? Crow (Austin Powers): Sex... yes please! (giggles) > > COLLEEN > (BLUNT) >Yeah, your name...you know, what people call you. > >The female retriever scratches her head. > > FEMALE RETRIEVER > (UNCERTAIN) >Uhhh, I don't think I have one. > >Shag says something in dog talk. > > FEMALE RETRIEVER > (CONFUSED) >What'd he say? > Tom: Something irrelevant to the conversation? > COLLEEN > (BLUNT) >The Dodgers are in the playoffs. Tom: Yyyyep. Shag going on a diet is also like him saying something that's actually relevant to the conversation. > > FEMALE RETRIEVER AND HUNTER > (EXCITED) >Really? Cool. > >Shag says something else. > > COLLEEN > (BLUNT) >And he suggests we call you Huntress, since you look like Hunter, but >more feminine. Tom: Whoa. I take that last comment back, then. > > HUNTRESS > (PLEASED) >I like it! > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >That's my lineski. > >Colleen looks at Exile. > > COLLEEN > (CONFUSED) >What? > > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >Never mind. Tom: Your typical fanfic reader's reaction to this fic. > >Blitz walks up to Huntress. > > BLITZ > (SLY) >Hello pretty she-dog. > >Huntress smiles. > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED) >Hi. Who are you? > > BLITZ > (PROUD) >I am Blitz, the buffest and bravest of the Road Rovers. > >A mouse skitters across the room. Tom: Hey, it's Mickey! >Blitz yelps and jumps into Shag's arms. > > BLITZ > (SCARED) >Eeew! Get it away! Icky! Tom: He's behaving like Angelica Pickles now. > >Exile walks over to Huntress. > > EXILE > (FRIENDLY) >Hello Comrade. I am Exile. > > HUNTRESS > (FRIENDLY) >Really? Where from? > Tom: Interest, apparently. > EXILE > (PROUD) >Russia. > > HUNTRESS > (SYMPATHETIC) >Ah, do you ever miss it? > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >Why would I miss it? Mike (Exile): Their economy is broken, they no even get money as pay no more... just vodka bottles. >I see it almost every day. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >I thought you said you were exiled from it. > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >No! It is name. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Who's name? > Tom: [Lou Costello] The guy who plays first! > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >Mine! > > HUNTRESS > (EMBARRASSED) >Oh. Mike: What a slow conversation that was... Tom: Expect a cease and desist order from Abbott and Costello any day now. > >Colleen whispers to Hunter. > > COLLEEN > (WHISPERS, SARCASTIC) >Expect that cease and desist order from the Abbott and Costello any day >now. Tom: Everyone's doing my bit today... What's up with *that*? Mike: Coming up next, Huntress and Exile meet Frankenstein. > >Huntress turns to face Hunter. > > HUNTRESS > (FRIENDLY) >And who are you? > > HUNTER > (FRIENDLY) >I'm Hunter. > Crow: [Hunter] Wanna make out? > >Hunter runs around the room, leaving a trail of fire behind him, he stops in >front of Huntress. > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED) >I can do that too! > >Huntress runs around the room almost as fast as Hunter. She leaves a trail >of fire around her, and stops in front of Hunter. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >I'm a little outta practice, but... Tom (Huntress): I've already beaten Cathy Freeman. Twice. (The 400 meter Olympic champ in 2000.) > > EXILE > (EXCITED) >You run as fast as Hunter! > > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >Really? Nah! > > EXILE > (CURIOUS) >Are you related to Hunter or something? > > HUNTRESS > (UNSURE) >Noooo, I don't think so. > >Blitz looks lovingly at Huntress. > > BLITZ > (LOVESICK) >So pretty Huntress dog, where are you from? > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >I'm not too sure where I was born and all. > > HUNTER > (CONCERNED) >Did you have any owners? > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >The testers, if you consider them owners. Tom (Hunter): What, you spent most of your life at *school*? > > ALL > (CONFUSED) >The testers? > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Yeah. > > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >Blimey. I think J. K. is carrying this educational programming thing a bit >to far. Crow (J.K. Rowling, again): What educational programming? I only write Harry Potter for a livin'. > >Huntress bends over and parts some fur on the back of her head. A strait >scar Tom: A 'strait' scar? Are there river scars too? >runs down from where the fur is parted. > > ALL > (DISGUSTED) >Eeeeeewww! > > EXILE > (CONCERNED) >Where did you get big scarski? > >Huntress pushes her fur back to where it was. > > HUNTRESS > (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) >From the testers! > > HUNTER > (SARCASTIC) >Remind me never to enroll in school. Crow: If Blitz says he wants to bite the testers, I'm gonna throw up... > > BLITZ > (BOLD) >I would take great pride in biting these tester repeatedly on the tooshie. (Crow makes more vomiting noises) > >Huntress looks at Blitz, confused. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Huh? > > EXILE > (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) >Who are these testers?! Tom (Huntress): I think they were all named Paul Mitchell... > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Bad people, they hurt me and the other puppies. > > COLLEEN > (HORRIFIED) >They did this to you when you were a puppy?! > >Huntress sighs. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Yes. > > BLITZ > (STERN) >Fear not pretty she dog. As long as I'm around no one will hurt your cute >canine tooshie. Tom: 'Cause I'm gonna flash them. > >Huntress looks at Blitz, puzzled. > > HUNTRESS > (UNSURE) >Oookay. > > EXILE > (CONCERNED) >How could this beski? > >Huntress pauses. > > HUNTRESS > (FEARFUL) Mike: [Huntress] Your annoyingly false Russian accent and tendancy to ad 'ski' to everything scares me. >I don't remember everything but. Tom: ...The Girl? Please, I don't wanna listen to Missing again. (ref to the dance group 'Everything But The Girl', and their big hit 'Missing') > >The scene switches to a flash back. > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - SECRET LAB >"3 years ago (that's 21 in dog years)" appears on the screen then fades >away. Tom: Of course you're supposed to fade away the caption. Duh. Crow: Geez, couldn't the author just write his/her fics like *other* people do, in 'story' style? >Gregory McDaniels, an elderly scientist, takes a young Huntress out >of a rusty cage by the scruff of her neck. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >Some how. Some where. I found myself in the care of Gregory McDaniels >and Jake Summers. Care. Tom: How many lives can you change today?... >Ha. Now there is a laugh. Crow (Huntress): ...because this is yet another case of the good ol' 'hard-luck kid' cliche that's become so laughable these days. Don't authors know better than to use cliches?! > > GREGORY > (SLIGHT GERMAN ACCENT) >Well well little mutt, looks like you have yourself in a jam. Crow (Gregory): I put you on to bread, OK? > >Huntress growls at Gregory. > > GREGORY > (AMUSED) >Looks like we have a spirited one here. Jake get in here! > >Jake Summers, a man in his mid-thirties swiftly walks in. > > JAKE > (SLIGHT GERMAN ACCENT) >Yes Heir McDaniels, what do you need? > > GREGORY > (PLEASED) >We finally have our subject for the *special* test. Tom (Gregory): We send her to Mensa! > >Jake grins evilly. > > JAKE > (PLEASED) >Yes Heir McDaniels, anything else? > Mike: Suddenly, it feels like I'm listening to local radio in South Dakota. [*refers to local radio show Vuewpoint University on KSOO radio in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.] >Unknown by both humans, Huntress reaches for Gregory's free hand with >her jaws. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >I knew these two were up to no good. Tom (Dr. Seuss style): So I ran as fast as I could! >I sensed that I had to get away. >When the chance came I took it. > > GREGORY > (PLEASED) >And don't forget to... Tom: Write? Crow: How about Wrong? > >Huntress bites down on Gregory's hand. He screams in pain and drops >Huntress. Huntress runs out of the room as fast as her paws can carry her. > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - HALLWAY >Huntress runs down the hallway, Jake chases after her. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >I ran as fast as I could. But I was a puppy where the human were full >grown and in his prime. > >The dog is fast but small, the human gains on her. Huntress rounds a >corner, and Jake reaches for her and grabs her by the scruff of her neck. >Huntress yelps. Jake shakes Huntress violently. He strikes the dog hard >several times and she >yelps in pain. > > JAKE > (ANGRY) >Bad dog! Bad! Bad! Bad dog! Who should be honored that Heir >McDaniels has selected you! > >Jake hits Huntress one more time for good measure, she yelps with pain. >He takes her back to the secret lab as she whimpers. > Tom: Definately Dakotan talk radio.[*refers to local radio show Viewpoint University, in Sioux Falls, SD] >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - SECRET LAB >Jake walks in, still violently shaking Huntress. Gregory steps up to them, >a >bandage now on the wounded hand. > > GREGORY > (ANGRY) >Double the tests, Crow (Gregory): And double the flavor! >we need t show her that isn't the way to treat one's >owners. > > > JAKE > (BLUNT) >It will be my extreme pleasure Heir McDaniels. > >Huntress whimpers. > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - SECRET LAB >Jake brings in a muzzled Huntress and straps her onto a lab table. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >Day after day they performed cruel tests on me. > >A big drill can be seen coming towards Huntress's head. Crow (Jake, nutty): Does this hurt? Huh? Huh? > > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - KENNELS >"One and half years later (that's 10 and 1/2 in dog years)" appears on the >screen, then fades away. Parvo walks in inspecting cages. Parvo stops in >front of Huntress's cage. Huntress sniffs Parvo's hand and wags her tail. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >Time passed. I lost track how long. But one day a strange man came to >visit. He was part human, part machine and. I'm not sure, but I thought I >smelled cat too. Mike (Huntress): He must have been a helluva pet lover... >Either way, I sense less evil in him and tried to gain an >ally. > >Huntress bends her head down, trying to sniff him again. Parvo sees the >big scar on her head and turns towards Gregory angrily. > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >My funding was not suppose to be spent this way McDaniels! > Mike: [Parvo] You and Knobe knew that from the beginning! [*refers to local radio show Viewpoint University in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, hosts are Randy McDaniel and Rick Knobe] > GREGORY > (NERVOUS) >I'm sorry sir, uh, it was my assistant's doing. I'll make sure he doesn't >do it >again. > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >No! I'll make sure! I'm cutting off your funding! And taking this dog with >me! > >Parvo takes Huntress out of her cage. > > GREGORY > (ANGRY) >Hey! That's our most prized test subject! Tom (Gregory): It's won 'best at show' everywhere! > >Parvo turns to Gregory. > > PARVO > (SMUG) >I know. > >Parvo gets in Gregory's face. > > PARVO > (CALM) >Listen to me McDaniels. You don't want to get me angry, I'm taking this >dog so she gets better treatment. She'll learn obedience and not hatred. >Apparently you don't know the bond of loyalty. It can not be broken. But a >bond of fear can. > > GREGORY > (NERVOUS) >But... > > PARVO > (CALM) >Intervention makes me very angry McDaniels. > >Gregory backs off. Parvo carries Huntress out of the labs. Jake comes up >to Gregory. > > JAKE > (FRANTIC) >He took the subject! And cut off our funding! > Mike: V...P...U! [*refers to local radio show Viewpoint University in Soux Falls, South Dakota] >Gregory smiles slyly. > > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >Yes, but I didn't expose my upper hand to Parvo. Crow: I exposed my... Mike: Crow... Crow: ...lower hand... Mike, do you ALWAYS have to intervene? >The government is still >supporting us on the *special* test. Have you selected a candidate for the >other device yet? > >Jake grins mischievously. > > JAKE > (PLEASED) >Yes Heir McDaniels, do you remember that environmentalist/saboteur >guy? > > GREGORY > (SLIGHTLY CONFUSED) >Yes, is he the one that broke in last year? The one with Nightline? > > JAKE > (PLEASED) >Yes Heir McDaniels. His name is Nick Owens, right now he's between >assignments, it's as good time as any. > > GREGORY > (PLEASED) >Perfect, if he doesn't survive, it's no skin off our teeth. > > JAKE > (SLIGHTLY NERVOUS) >But what if he does? Then we'll need the mutt. > > GREGORY > (CALM) >Don't worry nephew, we'll get her back. It will just take some patience. >We'll worry about that if it happens. Right now we need to get our other >subject ready. Tom (Gregory): Get those chemistry books, we're gonna be here all night if we have to... > >INTERIOR: PARVO'S BASE - CANO-MUTATING ROOM >Parvo sets Huntress down. She happily wags her tail. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >I was taken to yet another strange place. But I didn't care. As long as I was >away from Gregory and Jake and the evil lab. > > GROOMER > (CONFUSED) >General? You're back early! Why did you bring the mutt? > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >They weren't treating her right at the labs. > > GROOMER > (BLUNT) >Do any of the animals get treated right? > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >They were drilling holes into her head. Mike (Nine Inch Nails): Head like a hole! > > GROOMER > (SARCASTIC) >You're not going soft on me, are you General? > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >You of all people should know that only people react to fear, not animals. >The cruelty was pointless. Besides, she can be the next subject for the >Cano-Mutator. > > GROOMER > (CONFUSED) >But it won't be ready for months General! > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >I'm aware of that Groomer. It will give me time to work on my own little >experiment. > >Groom is confused. > Tom: As well as perpetually confusing. Mike: How so? Tom: Well, why would a babe like her hang around with some dickweed who seems all too familiar from other fanfics we know all too well? Mike: Good point. > GROOMER > (CONFUSED) >Eh General? > >Parvo looks at Huntress, she wags her tail. > > PARVO > (PLEASED) >This dog will be my most loyal Cano-Mutant. > Crow: She might even replace you in... Mike: Hey, now! Crow: ...the fetch contest... Mike: [Moe Howard] That's better. >INTERIOR: PARVO'S BASE - CANO-MUTATING ROOM >"Three months later (that's 1 year and 9 months in dog time)" appears on Crow: Enough of the “dog time” thing already! >the screen and fades away. The Cano-Mutator shuts off, and the doors >open. Huntress steps out, still as a normal dog. > > GROOMER > (EXCITED) >It didn't work General! > > PARVO > (ANNOYED) >I can see that Groomer! > >The television is on behind Parvo. An elderly man in a business suit is on >the TV. > > MAN > (ON TV) >I believe that peace is an illusion. There's always a war going on >somewhere in the world. It doesn't matter if it's a country, or just one >person fighting. There's always a war. Tom: Sigh, the man's words still ring true these days, especially in the post Sept. 11 world. > >The television switches to a picture of a hippie. His hair is grown out, and >grody. He is wearing a multi-colored tie-dye shirt, and black hippie >glasses. Parvo grunts with disgust. Huntress begins growling at the >television, her hackles raised. Groomer looks down at Huntress surprised. >Parvo turns toward her interested. > > GROOMER > (UNEASY) >I think there's something wrong with your dog General. > Crow: [Parvo] It's not hangin' out or anything, is it? Mike: You know better than that, Crow! > HIPPIE > (ON TV) >Well, peace and love forever man. > >The host on the television looks at the hippie nervously. > > HOST > (ON TV) >Uh, right. Looks like we're out of time. > > HIPPIE > (ON TV) >Tally ho! War must go! Mike: Yeah, war must go! > >Huntress's eyes cross and she begins tearing apart the television. > > GROOMER > (NERVOUS) >General! > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >I was afraid of this. The side effects aren't the same as on Shepherd's pet >though. Mike: Let's see, Shep's pet went insane... this one went insane... Nope! Not the same! > > GROOMER > (NERVOUS) >She's insane! > >Huntress stops attacking the television, trots over to Parvo, and sits down >next to him. > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >Only partially Groomer, but it seems that we have gotten part of the >evilness down. Crow: Yeah, this thing seems half as evil now that you're the focus instead of the title characters. > > GROOMER > (CONFUSED) >What are you talking about? That dog just tore up a $300 television. > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >She was only doing it out of hate. > > GROOMER > (CONFUSED) >She hates hippies? Tom: Well, who doesn't? > > PARVO > (SMUG) >Well, who doesn't. Tom: D'oh. > >Parvo glares at Groomer. > > PARVO > (PLEASED) >No. I think this dog hates peace. > >Groomer looks down at Huntress, still unsure. Crow (Groomer): What's al Qaeda's address again? I forgot. > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - >TRANSDOGMAFIER ROOM >"The Present" appears on the screen then fades away. > > COLLEEN > (SHOCKED) >Parvo's personal pet! > > HUNTRESS > (ANNOYED) >Not Parvo, Mustache Man! Tom: Sounds like a WWF wrestler... Mike: He *looks* like a WWF wrestler too. > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >His name is Parvo. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Same difference. > >Blitz is staring at Huntress lovingly, Colleen looks over at him. > > COLLEEN > (CONFUSED) >What's wrong with Blister? Tom: It's a sign of bad skin health... > >Blitz snaps out of his trance. > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >The name is Blitz, Lassie! > >Colleen is taken aback, Exile and Hunter are surprised. > > EXILE > (SURPRISED) >He called her Lassie? > > HUNTER > (SURPRISED) >Not Pretty-She-Dog. > > EXILE > (SURPRISED) >This is a firstski. > Mike: Damn, that's annoying. You guys know what to do, right? [Tom and Crow make buzzing noizes like B5 PPGs powering up] > HUNTER > (SURPRISED) >I didn't know he had it in him. > >Hunter, Exile. Hubert and Shag look at Colleen. She is staring at Blitz >fuming. Anger fills her eyes and she looks as if she is going to explode. > > EXILE > (SHOCKED) >Well, what ever it is. Comrade Colleen is about to beat it out of him. > > COLLEEN > (INFURIATED) >No one calls me Lassie and lives. Lassie is a BOY is real life! Tom: So Lassie was a *girl* on TV? Never knew that. > >Colleen lunges for Blitz but Hunter, Exile, Shag and Hubert grab her. A >huge fight breaks out amongst them. Blitz looks back at Huntress, obvious >to everything and with hearts in his eyes. > Tom: How is he obvious in that? Mike: I think it's supposed to be “oblivious.” > BLITZ > (LOVINGLY) >Go on with your story. > >INTERIOR: PARVO'S BASE - THE KENNELS >10 months after the last flashback (that's about 6 in dog years) appears on >the screen and fades away. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >Well Mustache Man... > > COLLEEN > (VOICE OVER, AS SHE CONTINUES TO FIGHT) >Parvo. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >Whatever. Mustache Man kept me in some kennels at night. One night a >mysterious silver wolf broke in. > > HUNTER > (VOICE OVER, AS HUNTER CONTINUES TO FIGHT TOO) >Silver? Crow: It's the Lone Ranger! Tom: [Lone Ranger] Hi-ho Silver! > > BLITZ > (VOICE OVER) >Stop interrupting! Go on Huntress. > >A shadowy figure of a wolf-Sapien creeps into the room. Inside her cage, >Huntress wakes up. The wolf keeps sneaking along, sniffing the air. When >she gets by Huntress's cage, Huntress begins to bark loudly. > > WOLF > (WHISPER) >Shhhh!! > >Huntress keeps on barking. > > WOLF > (FEMININE VOICE, ANNOYED) >Despite popular belief I have no desire to join you in your cage. Tom: Line inspired by Billy Corgan. (Smashin Pumpkins lead... their biggest hit had the similar souding 'Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage' over and over. The song in question is titled 'Bullet with Butterfly Wings'.) >So shut >up. > >Huntress keeps barking. The wolf sighs with disgust and takes Huntress >out of her cage, being careful to hold Huntress's mouth shut. The dog >growls at the wolf. Lights begin turning on in the building. Crow: Somehow, I expect Celine Dion to pop in any moment now. (The video for her 'That's The Way It Is' opens with lights turning on in a room.) > WOLF > (EXCITED) >Crud!! > Crow: Yeah, that's what this fic has been so far. >The wolf begins running out of the base, dragging Huntress along with >her. > >EXTERIOR: CITY STREETS - ALLEY >The wolf sets Huntress down. In the light we can now see her features. >The Wolf is a silver Wolf-Sapien with a black diamond on her forehead, >next to it are 2 thick black horizontal curved lines on each of it's >horizontal sides. >She has blue eyes. She is wearing short shorts and a short white cutoff >shirt. This is Silver. Mike: Geez, *another* female fan character. What's the author trying to do, make up for the lack of girls on the show? Crow: Looks like it. > > SILVER > (AMERICAN ACCENT, ANNOYED) >What's the big idea kid?!?! > >Huntress barks at Silver annoyed. > > SILVER > (SARCASTIC) >Interesting story. > >Huntress erfs. (asks a question in dog language) Mike: Man, this author has *no* way with words. Crow (author): Thank you, it's a gift. (line borrowed from the 2nd ep of the show) > > SILVER > (BLUNT) >Oh, I was able to learn *some* things after going through the >Transdogmafier. Mike (warning Crow): We know what you're thinking Crow... > >Huntress erfs. Tom: Erf... sounds like something you'd do after drink lots of root beer... > > SILVER > (BLUNT) >It's a machine that turns dogs, or wolves, into Cano-Sapiens. Why were >you in that jerk Parvo's place? > >Huntress growls and angrily barks at Silver. > > SILVER > (DEFENSIVE) >Sorry! I didn't know! It's just hard to imagine him being nice to any >animal. > >Huntress erfs again. > Tom: And leaves a stain in the carpet. > SILVER > (BLUNT) >No he isn't. Usually he kidnaps them from their owners and happy homes. > >Huntress barks, her tone lighter. > > SILVER > (BLUNT) >You're right, don't know what he'll do next. Of course, you are free to go. >Go back to him if you really want to. Or course, if you stuck with me >you'd never be locked in a cage again. > >Huntress barks something to Silver. > > SILVER > (BLUNT) >I'll protect you and make sure neither of them get to you. > >Huntress erfs. > Tom: Damn, Silver. You'd better get Huntress to the vet. She's erfing all over the place. > SILVER > (SINCERE) >No, I don't mind. Besides, it does get a little lonely out here. > >Silver pats Huntress on the head and climbs on a dark green motorcycle. >She puts on a helmet and turns to Huntress. > > SILVER > (ASSURING) >Come on kid. The choice is yours. Another thing you'd never get with >Parvo. > >Silver pats the back of the seat. Huntress runs and leaps onto the back of >the bike's seat. Silver starts the motorcycle up and races off. > >EXTERIOR: CITY STREETS - DARK ALLEY >"Six months later (that's three and a half in dog years) appears on the >screen then fades away. This is a new York style alley (filled with lots of >rusty trash cans, alley cats, and dirty dumpsters) Crow: Not to mention rappers at every turn. >Silver punches a man in >the face. Tom: Suddenly it's 'Get Carter'... >The man is dressed in all black, on the sleeve of his shirt are the >initials "TIL". Tom: It's Carson Daly! Mike: That would be TRL. (That is, MTV's Total Request Live. Daly hosts.) >The man falls to the ground. > > SILVER > (URGENT) >Go kid! I'll hold 'em off! > >Another man dressed like the one before jumps down from above. Silver >zaps him. Mike: With what? A ray gun, a laser, or considering Exile, her eyes even? Tom: This writer oughta learn to make stuff clear... >Huntress whines and steps forward. Silver growls at Huntress. >The first man gets up, clutching his nose. > > SILVER > (ANNOYED) >Now! > >Huntress whines and heads out of the alley. Silver zaps the man. > >EXTERIOR: CITY STREETS >Huntress keeps on running. A figure leaps in front of Huntress. She >crashes into it. A hand reaches down and pulls her up by the scruff of her >neck. > > JAKE > (PLEASED) >Well well, look who it is. > >Jake shakes Huntress, Tom (writer): ...and stirs her some more. >she yelps loudly. > > JAKE > (EVIL) >Yelp all you want, it will do no good. Our men are keeping Parvo and that >freak friend of yours busy. Crow: Look at them get away with inneundo. > >Huntress growls and bites Jake's arm. Jake screams in pain and drops >Huntress. She takes off running in the direction of the alley. Another man >dressed like the other two steps out from the shadows. Huntress tries to >stop but she skids and crashes into him. He grabs her and puts a muzzle on >her. He picks her up by her scruff. > > BLITZ > (VOICE OVER) >Your poor scruff. > Crow: Now, how can *he* get away with saying things like that when *I* can't?[*“scruff” being a slang term in the vein of “area”.] > ROVERS > (VOICE OVER) >Shhhhh!!! > > COLLEEN > (VOICE OVER, MUFFLED) >Mmmm!!! > >The man carries Huntress over to Jake, who is now clamping his hand on >his hurt arm. > > JAKE > (ANGRY) >Throw the mutt into the car! Heir McDaniels hates to wait! Mike: [Jake] Heirs Mattagan and Knobe aren't too fond of it, either. [* refers to same local radio show as earlier] > >The man in black throws Huntress into the back seat of a black car and >climbs into it. Jake climbs into the driver's seat. > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - SECRET LAB >Jake drags the still muzzled Huntress in. She growls loudly at Jake and >struggles to get free. > > GREGORY > (PLEASED) >Ah, I see you have succeeded in getting back the subject. Strap her on the >table next to the eco-nazi's. > >Jake picks up Huntress the bad guy way Crow: By the scruff? >(by the scruff) Crow: Yeeep... >and straps her >down on a table. On the table next to her is an extremely handsome 6"4 >man in his mid-twenties. He has short brown hair and blue eyes, he is also >strapped down. This is Nick Owens. He looks over at Huntress. > > NICK > (AMERICAN ACCENT) >Just have to torture animals don't you McDaniels! > Mike: [Randy McDaniel] Hey, now, Nick! I do *not* think of Democrats as animals.[* another local radio reference] > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >Torturing? You make it sound like these things have rights. > >Huntress growls at Gregory. > > NICK > (ANGRY) >But it seems they have brains, which is more than I can say for you! > > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >Keep it up, Owens. And I'll have you muzzled. > > NICK > (BLUNT) >You're not going to get away with this. Kidnapping is a crime. > Crow: So's this fanscript, and you don't hear us complaining. > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >And who decides what the crimes are? There is no proof that I kidnapped >you, you could have just come willingly. > > NICK > (BLUNT) >They're will be enough evidence when my friends get here. Crow (Nick): And they just happen to be Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe. (Stars of Proof of Life.) > > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >Out with the old cliché‚ again Mr. Owens? Well I can assure you your >team won't be coming to your rescue. They just got a mission to Bosnia, Tom: Something about helping NATO there... >you were at the briefing weren't you? > > NICK > (ANNOYED) >They'd know something was up when I didn't come! You can't kidnap a >mission commander without attracting attention! > > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >For all *they* know, you just got scared and ran off. > > NICK > (ANGRY) >They know I'd never do that! > > JAKE > (SARCASTIC) >Maybe they called the Physic Buddy network! Crow: Maybe they're just 100% morons. > >Gregory chuckles. > > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >Maybe, but if I were you I wouldn't feel too confident of your rescue. The >government has promised me protection for performing these tests. Crow: [Londo Mollari] By the way, Gregory, old boy, what exactly *are* these tests you keep talking about? > >Nick looks shocked. Huntress begins growling at Gregory. Nick snaps out >of it. > > NICK > (MOCKING) >I guess it's true when they say animals can sense evil. > >Gregory walks closer to Huntress and Nick. Huntress begins to snarl >menacingly under her muzzle. > > GREGORY > (ANNOYED) >Enough! > >Gregory brings a metal tray down on Huntress's head. She collapses, >unconscious. Nick becomes enraged and fights his restraints to get at >Gregory. > > GREGORY > (ANNOYED) >Enough with this foolishness! On with the tests! > Tom: [annoyed] How about telling us what these tests are first, huh? >Jake steps forward and puts a mask over Nick's nose and mouth. He >immediately becomes unconscious. > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - SECRET LABS >As it was before, except all the lights are turned off. Light from the moon >shines through a window. Nick and Huntress are still strapped down. Nick >slowly wakes up. Nick groans. > > NICK > (IN PAIN) >Oh my head! Mike: He's getting it easy compared to us... > >Nick looks around. > > NICK > (CONFUSED) >Where am I? > >Huntress whimpers and opens her eyes. She looks around and yelps. > > NICK > (SARCASTIC) >Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. Tom: Yeah, he certainly couldn't make it as a wise man. Crow: Couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing. (Referring to Nickelback's hit, 'How You Remind Me'.) > >Huntress whimpers. > > NICK > (BLUNT) >We gotta get out of here. > >He pauses. > > NICK > (SARCASTIC) >Seems like they've already messed with our heads. > Tom: [Nick] Suddenly, I don't mind being in a crappy fanfic. >Huntress snorts. Tom: So they've got crack here too? Interesting. > > NICK > (APOLOGETIC) >Sorry, bad joke. > >A tapping comes from the window. Nick and Huntress look over at the >window. A woman opens it. She is 5'4" Crow: For a woman, she sure is a midget... >with green eyes and long red hair >tied back into a pony tail. This is Sarah Bishop. Tom: Related to Dodie and Hoodsey, any chance? (Characters on As Told By Ginger... I'd written this originally before I even knew about the show. And yes, those two siblings have Bishop for their last name.) > > NICK > (SURPRISED) >Sarah! > > SARAH > (AMERICAN ACCENT) >Shhhh!!! They might hear you! Tom: [Sarah] Oops. Too late. Here they come now. > > NICK > (WHISPER) >Sorry, how did you find me? > > SARAH > (WHISPER) >It wasn't easy, but I'll be glad to answer any questions you have when we're >far away from here. > > NICK > (WHISPER) >Fine by me. > >Sarah unstraps Nick from the table, he gets up shakily. > > SARAH > (CONCERNED) >What happened to your head?! > Tom: I banged it! [* reference to a song I can't recall the title to] > NICK > (WHISPER) >I don't know, I'll have a doctor look at it later. Right now we need to get >these animals out of here. > > SARAH > (WHISPER) >Don't you ever quit? > >Nick grins. > > NICK > (WHISPER) >You wish. > Mike: Yes, we do. Crow: We know better, but we do. >Nick unstraps Huntress from the table. She licks his hand and face. Kevin >Marin Mike: A relative of Cheech's? >steps through the window. He is 6'6" tall with slightly curly dark >brown hair and brown eyes. Tom: Nah, he ain't stoned. Mike: Uh, author?... This isn't a personal ad. Get back to the story already! > KEVIN > (AMERICAN ACCENT) >You okay Nick? > > NICK > (SARCASTIC) >You think a few mad animal torturers could get to me bud? > > KEVIN > (BLUNT) >Yes. > > NICK > (BLUNT) >Well... > Crow: [Nick] You're right. > VOICE > (ANGRY) >What's all that noise?! > >The lights flash on, momentarily blinding everyone. Jake enters. He is >holding a strange kind of remote. > > JAKE > (ANGRY) >You're all in big trouble! Mike: You interrupted my TV time! > >Huntress growls and bares her teeth. Nick gets in a fighting stance. > > NICK > (CONFIDENT) >Back off Summers, you're outnumbered! Mike: Mark Summers is in this now? This really is an evil fanfic. > > JAKE > (CONFIDENT) >But the odds are for me! > >Jake pushes a large red button on the remote. Huntress yelps and covers >her ears with her paws. Nick screams in pain and drops to the ground >covering his ears. > > SARAH > (CONCERNED) >Nick!! > > KEVIN > (ANGRY) >Hey! What did you do?! Crow (Nick): No *fair* using cheap plot contrivances! > >Sarah looks at Kevin. > > SARAH > (CONCERNED) >Come on! we better get him out of here! > > JAKE > (CONFIDENT) >I don't think you're going anywhere. > >Kevin does a roundhouse kick in Jake's face. Jake flies into the wall. > > KEVIN > (BLUNT) >Well I do! Tom (rapping): So bleep him and bleep you too. (reference to The Real Slim Shady, by Eminem) > >Kevin and Sarah grab Nick and drag him out of the window. Gregory runs >in and Jake gets up rubbing his jaw. > Tom: How can Jake be rubbing Gregory's jaw while he's on the floor...? Crow: Oh no...! Mike: Please, not that...! > GREGORY > (ENRAGED) >You let them get away! > > JAKE > (FRANTIC) >I'm sorry Heir McDaniels. But there was an army of them. Yeah, that's it. Crow (Jake): That's the ticket... Mike: [Randy McDaniel] Sure it is, Jake.[* see local radio references above] >I >tried to fight them off but there were just too many. > > GREGORY > (BLUNT) >But no matter, he'll return to free the animals. And when he does, we'll >finish our experiment. > >INTERIOR: TAKEIT LABS - ENTRANCE >This reflects the way the rest of the lab looks. > > HUNTRESS > (VOICE OVER) >The next day I saw someone I hoped I wouldn't since the night the silver >wolf broke in. > >It is late morning now. Parvo stomps in, (All make army march noises) >followed by Fluffy and Dalmat. >Dalmat is a Cano-Mutant Dalmatian. Gregory walks in confused. > > GREGORY > (CONFUSED) >What the... > > PARVO > (CALM) >Well McDainels, we meet again. > > GREGORY > (NERVOUS) >General! What brings you here? > Tom: [Randy McDaniel] Welcome back to VPU, by the way. Crow: [Parvo] Thank you, Randy.[* see previous local radio references] > PARVO > (CALM) >I came for my dog McDainels. > > GREGORY > (NERVOUS) >I don't know what you're talking about! > Mike: [Randy McDaniel] Rick left durring the last break! [* see first local radio references] > PARVO > (BLUNT) >Oh? And then how do you explain a man from this lab breaking into my >warehouse? > > GREGORY > (NERVOUS) >I didn't send anyone! Crow (Gregory): Yeah, Jake sent them. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. Mike: Two Jon Lovitz references in 5 minutes... must be a record there. (When Lovitz was part of the SNL cast, his routine included a 'Pathological Liar' skit where he'd lie, rather badly, and follow his lies with the phrase 'That's the ticket'.) > > PARVO > (BLUNT) >Don't lie to me McDaniels or I'll use you as a scratching post. He told me >how you paid him to cause a distraction so you could steal my dog. Of >course Fluffy and Dalmat here had to persuade him to tell us that. > >Fluffy grins and Dalmat pounds her fist into her paw. The both chuckle >evilly. Gregory turns white and faints. > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - >TRANSDOGMAFIER ROOM >"The Present" appears on the screen and fades away. It is as it was before >except Colleen is laying on the floor on her stomach, she is hog tied with >duct tape and her muzzle is also duct taped shut. She struggles vainly. Her >gasps and calls are muffled. Mike (Colleen, muffled): I am NOT a hog! > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >We free you when you wish not to hurt Blitz any longer. > Crow: [Stimpy] We'll have to put you someplace where you can't hurt yourself any longer! > HUBERT > (BLUNT) >I think she is well past that. I think you wants to kill us now. Tom: (cymbal noise) > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Well then Mustache Man took me back to his base, and successfully >turned me into a Cano-Mutant. I lead one of his missions, but messed it up >badly. Crow (Huntress): Good thing I took a clean-up crew along. > >Hunter snaps his fingers. > > HUNTER > (REALIZING) >Oh yeah, now I remember you! The one who started pouring Skittles and >Cherry Coke on you and the other Cano-Mutants. Tom: What, did she get *drunk* during the mission or something? > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >Stop it! Let her finish! > >Huntress smiles slightly. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Well, somehow he turned me back into a regular dog, locked me in that >cage, and got that Rottweiler. > >Muzzle gives Huntress a nasty look. She doesn't seem to notice. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Then he just seemed to forget about me. So I basically stayed in that cage >until you guys came. > >Blitz looks shocked. > > BLITZ > (SHOCKED) >How can anyone forget about you? Tom (Huntress): Let's face it, this business chews you up and spits you out easily... > >Hunter and Hubert roll their eyes, Exile sighs. > > HUNTER > (FRUSTRATED) >Now, only if we had some sort of clue. A lead to track Parvo. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >Did evil Parvo man mention anything that we could useski? > Crow: Someone to teach Exile how to speak without adding the “ski” suffex to words that aren't names would be something to start with. > BLITZ > (DEFENSIVE) >If she knew anything Huntress would have told us! She knows nothing! > Crow: [Col. Klink] She knows nothink! > HUNTRESS > (OFFERING) >Yeah. Other than he was planning something at the NASA Space Center. >He was deploying Canos there. Tom (Huntress): Something about blowing up some asteroid... > > BLITZ > (EMBARRASSED) >Yeah. Like I said. She knows nothing. Tom: Hello? Were you just in a *coma* or something? Crow: Oh great. Just what we need, a 100% incompetent Rover. And I'm not talking about Huntress here. Tom: Don't sweat it Crow, we're in for some more stupidity like this... > >Blitz shrugs his shoulders. > > HUNTER > (PROUD) >Then were off to the NASA Space Center! You're with us Huntress, >maybe you can help us some more. Let's hit the Road Rovers! Mike: Sure, we'd like to hit 'em. > >Hunter, Blitz, Shag, Exile and Huntress run out the door. Hubert looks at >his watch. > > HUBERT > (BLUNT) >5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0... > >As if on cue, the others walk back in. > > HUNTER > (EMBARRASSED) >Ooops. We forgot something. > >The group goes over to Colleen, picks her up and dashes out the door. Mike: Speaking of which, we need a break... (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: So what do you think of this new character? Tom: Well, I think she's got an interesting back story, but I doubt if she'll be able to blend in well with the Rovers, even though she's the same mixed breed as this Hunter dude and all... Crow: The same can pretty much be said for many other characters... especially those self insertion characters and crossovers. Tom: In case you don't know, self insertion is when the author uses his own self as a character in his fanfic, sometimes giving the character super abilities and stuff like that... Crow: And crossovers are when you put characters from other shows into the story. This is a quite prevalent find in the world of fanfic. You know why these never seem to work? Mike: They don't blend well with the story? Tom: Exactly. Which is why self insertion sucks. Anyone who does this to their fanfic has gotta have some kind of egoistic mental problem... Crow: Yeah, and crossover sucks too, especially when it's essentially for a pointless cameo. Tom: Heck, new characters pretty much suck in general... because they, well, just don't exactly blend in. Mike: And of course, we have plot contrivances that seriously affect stories... Tom: Yeah, basically something the author thought up in order for the story to work the way it does. Crow: Or maybe to make getting out of certain circumstances more convenient than it should be... This would be called a 'plot convenience'. Tom: Example, if in a Sonic fanfic he's surrounded by an army of those Swatbots, and they all suddenly fall down without him having to fight, that's a plot convenience. Crow: Or if in a Star Trek fic, we find out that a certain TV series was a prediction of what would come to be, that's a plot contrivance. Mike: So basically, using these usually makes the story suck. Crow: Well, yeah... Mike (noticing flashing sign): We'll be right back. (*Note by the author: Yes, I know there are fanfics that in which the above situations happen: 'Sonic Fights Robotnik 6' and Ratliff's 'Timespeeder' respectively.*) (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (All re-enter the theater) > >EXTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER Mike: Which one? Washington, D.C.? Kennedy? Crow: Johnson? Tom: JPL? >The Street Rover pulls up and parks. Huntress and the Rovers walk out. (Crow does Dragnet's famous 'daaah-duh-dah-dah' sting) Crow: 2:34pm. We arrived at NASA. Waiting for us there... More bad acting. Tom: Don't forget incompetence, Crow. > > HUNTER > (UNEASY) >Are you sure this is the right place? > > HUNTRESS > (HONEST) Mike: What? You're afraid that we're not going to believe that it's really who you say it is? >Positive. > >Suddenly Nick Owens and Stan Kirsch (a hunky red headed actor who >plays Richie on Highlander *droooooolllllls*) run on-screen. > > STAN > (AMERICAN ACCENT, OUT OF BREATH) >Did we lose them? > > NICK > (OUT OF BREATH) >I think so. > >Dot (a female black and white toon wearing a pink skirt and flower in her >hair) and Greywolf Lupous (a fourteen year old girl with short >brownish-blondish hair, blue eyes, and a few freckles [OK, a lot. But I'm >cuuuuuute. Just kidding]) run on-screen. Tom: Talk of the devil, and he's sure to come. Self-insertions and crossovers never work out. Crow: Especially when it's just a pointless cameo... > > DOT AND GREYWOLF > (AMERICAN ACCENTS, EXCITED) >Helloooooooo nurse!! > Crow: Oh, shuuuuut up. >Nick and Stan scream and run off screen, Dot and Greywolf run after >them, their tongues hanging out. > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >Okaaaaay, that was rather pointless. Mike: Agreed. > >Huntress looks after Stan drooling. > > HUNTRESS > (DROOLING) >I'll be right back. > >She begins to run after them, Hunter holds her back. > Crow: And rather firmly at that. > HUNTER > (STERN) >No way. > >Huntress turns around and gives him puppy eyes. > > HUNTRESS > (PITIFUL) >Pweeeeeeeeeeeaaaase!!!!!!!!! > Tom: You're right. That was pitiful. > HUNTER > (STERN) >No. > >Huntress kicks the ground and pouts. Hunter sniffs the air. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Hey, you guys smell that? > >They all sniff the air (except Huntress, who continues to pout.) > > SHAG > (EXCITED) >Rah! Rit's runch! > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >Really? I could've sworn it was weird boy over thereski drooling and >sweating over comrade Huntress. > > BLITZ > (SIGHING) >I'm in love. > >Colleen holds her nose. > > COLLEEN > (DISGUSTED) >You know Blister, you really need to change your deodorant, that brand >you use now doesn't work at all. Crow: [Colleen] Good lord, and get some Beano while you're at it! > >Blitz snaps out of his trance. > > BLITZ > (CONFUSED) >Huh, what deodorant? > >Everyone backs away from Blitz. > > BLITZ > (CONFUSED) >What is it? > >Hunter holds up his hand. > > HUNTER > (ANNOYED) >It smells like mutants to me. > >Huntress sniffs the air. She turns to Hunter. > > HUNTRESS > (AGREEING) >You're right. > >Hunter and Huntress begin tracking the scent, the other Rovers follow >behind. > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - HALLWAY >This is just another hallway, at the end it forks into two ways. Surprisingly >even though this is NASA, no one is in the halls. Tom: They all must be working in their rooms. Mike: Either that, or it's the writer's idea of saying 'Look how we can save on extras!' >The Rovers are still >following Hunter and Huntress, when they reach the end they stop. > > EXILE > (CONCERNED) >What's wrongski? Tom: You mean besides your constant stereotypical misuse of the “ski” suffex? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >The scent branches out here. The mutants must have split up. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Why would they do such a dad blasted crazy thing like that? Crow: Ever heard of 'divide and conquer'? > >Everyone looks at Huntress slightly confused at the "dad blasted crazy >thing" part, but dismiss it quickly. > Mike: Oh, how I wish we could do that with this story. > COLLEEN > (BLUNT) >It's called divide and conquer, a popular war tactic. > > HUNTRESS > (SURPRISED) >Oh, kinda like axes and allies! All: HUH?! > > COLLEEN > (SLIGHTLY CONFUSED) >Uh, yeah. > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED) >Who are we?! Bots: [Enthusiastic] We don't know! Mike: [Huntress, excited] What do we want? Bots: [Enthusiastic] We don't care! > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >Just forget I said it. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Said what? Tom (Huntress): Karaoke! > >Colleen screams and acts as if she's trying to pull it out. Everyone looks at >her confused. > Crow: No doubt! I thought Colleen didn't have an “it” to pull out. Mike: Good point, even if it is disgusting. > EXILE > (BLUNT) >I think comrade Colleen has lost many marbles that roll around in her >headski. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Okay sorta. > >Colleen calms down and Hunter looks at everyone. > > HUNTER > (COMMANDING) >Colleen, you and Exile go with Huntress and follow that scent trail. Blitz, >you, Shag, and Muzzle will come with me. > > BLITZ > (WHINING) >Noooooo!!!!!! I wanna go with them! > > HUNTER > (SURPRISED) >You sure Blitz? You don't know what might be in store. This way you >would have Muzzle. > > BLITZ > (QUICKLY) >I'm sure! Very sure! Crow (Regis): Is that your final answer? > >Hunter sighs. > > HUNTER > (DEFEATED) >All right, Exile you come with me. > > BLITZ > (EXCITED) >Woo hoo!!! > Mike: Blitz played by Homer Simpson. >Hunter's group begins following their trail, and Huntress's group starts out. > > COLLEEN > (UNDER BREATH) >Fluffypants. > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - LEFT HALLWAY >This hallway is just as empty as all the others. Blitz, Colleen, and Huntress >are walking down the hallway. Huntress is in the lead, on her hands and >knees, sniffing the air. Tom (Huntress): Ahh, lemony fresh. >Blitz is following behind, his tongue hanging out, >and Colleen is a few feet behind them, her arms crossed looking extremely >annoyed. They walk for a few more feet before she gets fed up and >whacks Blitz in the head. > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >Will you stop that? > > > BLITZ > (IN PAIN, CONFUSED) >What did I do? > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >Would you stop drooling over her? We have a mission to complete! > >In the shadows behind them, four Cano-Mutants creep up towards them. >At that very moment, Huntress stands. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >The smell is getting stronger. Tom (Huntress): Whoops, I farted. > > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >Blister, don't you ever wash your feet? > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >No. I smell the mutants. > Tom: [Huntress] They don't much like it, but I smell them all the same. >They continue on. Huntress stops abruptly, and Blitz crashes into her. > > HUNTRESS > (ANGRY) >What did you do that for? > > BLITZ > (APOLOGETIC) >Oh, I'm sorry, pretty shedog. I didn't mean to. > >He paus to you by taking you out for dinner. Tom: One word: Huh? Mike: I know nothing makes any sense in this scene, but that line really takes the cake. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Do I know you? > >She drops back to her hands and knees and continues sniffing. They follow her. > > COLLEEN > (SARCASTIC) >Boy, I'm gonna get along great with her. > >They continue along, still not noticing the mutants behind them. > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - RIGHT HALLWAY >This looks exactly like the left hallway, Tom: Another money-saving tactic courtesy of Greywolf. >except that Hunter, Shag, Muzzle, and >Exile are walking down. Hunter is in the lead (of course) sniffing the air. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >The scent's getting weaker. > >He stops, as does Exile and Shag. Muzzle, unable to stop bouncing in his cart, >trips and falls into Shag's fur. He dissapears from view > > > SHAG > (CONFUSED) >Ruh? > >Hunter and Exile give each other nervous looks. > > HUNTER > (NERVOUS) >It isn't my turn to dig in his fur. > > EXILE > (NERVOUS) >Well I don't think it's mine either! Tom: (cymbal noise) > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - LEFT HALLWAY >All of a sudden, Colleen is knocked down from behind. She looks up at Blitz >angrily. > > COLLEEN > (GROWLING) >Blister! > >He gives her an innocent look. > > BLITZ > (WHINING) >Whaat? > >The shadowy figure from earlier scene emerges from the shadows as she starts >chewing out Blitz. Huntress is still on her hands and knees on the floor, sniffing. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >I smell Cano-Mutant. > >She keeps on sniffing, not really looking at Blitz, who is still getting yelled at by >Colleen. He looks up and sees the mutant looming over her, and screams. > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >What?! > > BLITZ > (STAMMERING) >Duhh....duh....duh.... > > COLLEEN > (ANNOYED) >Come on, Blister, spit it out. > Tom: Sounded perfectly normal to me. > BLITZ > (SHRIEKING) >There's a large Cano-Mutant thing behind you! > >She turns around, and gives it a withering look. > > COLLEEN > (SCREAMING) >POOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRKKKKKYYYYYYYY PIG! Tom: Porky Pig? Alright, someone tell Colleen to quit with all that random screaming! > >She tosses the Cano over her head and into a wall. It struggles to get its head free >from the steel wall, then pushes on the wall with its hands until its head comes >out of the wall with a thwock. He turns around dizzily, then roars with anger. >Huntress is still sniffing the ground. > > HUNTRESS > (ANNOYED) >Will you two keep it down back there? Crow: I guess they must have heard you, Servo... > >The Cano stalks over to Colleen. Blitz runs over to Huntress and starts tugging on >her arm. > > BLITZ > (TERRIFIED) >Huntress! Pretty shemale! Mike: Please tell me he didn't just say “shemale”! Crow: I'm afraid he did, Mike. >There is a big Cano-Mutant bashing the collie! > >Huntress shoves him away. > > HUNTRESS > (ANNOYED) >Will you go away? I'm trying to find the Cano-Mutant! Tom (Blitz): Uh... I just *told* you where it was! Besdies, couldn't you just TAKE A LOOK AROUND?! Sheesh. Crow: And once again, the author makes the Rovers look incompetent. Enough with it already! > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - RIGHT HALLWAY >Shag finally digs Muzzle out of his fur; he is covered in white fur. Muzzle >sneezes, then coughs a few times. A stray white hairball flies out of his mouth and >lands on Hunter's foot. > > HUNTER > (DISGUSTED) >Well, at least that's over with. > >Blitz's girlie scream is heard echoing from the other hallway. They all turn. Shag >is brushing the white hair off of Muzzle with a lint brush. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >That sounds like it's coming from comrade Weird Boy. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >I agree, Exile. The others are in trouble! > >Shag says something. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >You're right. We should stop talking Tom: And start playing? (I remember seeing a promo for MTV Downtown which showed someone saying 'Stop talking and start playing'.) >and go rescue them. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >But what if they're not capturedski? > > HUNTER > (MUSING) >You're right. He could just be getting his tail kicked by Colleen again. > > EXILE > (ADMITTING) >True. But what if he is in trouble? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Then let's go! Let's hit the road, Rovers! > >They all howl, and run down the hallway. Mike: Time filler, once again courtesy of Greywolf. > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - LEFT HALLWAY >Colleen is trying to fight the Cano-Mutant and failing badly. The Mutant picks >her up by her arms and legs, and begins pulling. Blitz is hanging onto Huntress's >arm (she is still on hands and knees sniffing). > > BLITZ > (SCREAMING) >Save me, pretty shedog! > > HUNTRESS > (ANNOYED) >Shut up and go away. > Mike: We'd like it very much if you would. >Hunter and the other Rovers come into view, just as the Cano-Mutant knocks >Colleen unconscious. > > HUNTER > (SHOUTING, CONCERNED) >Colleen! > >Hunter looks at the other Rovers. > > HUNTER > (SHOUTING, ANGRY) >Let's muzzle 'em! > >He and Exile begin taking the restraints off of Muzzle. Hunter takes off Muzzle's >metal muzzle. Muzzle begins to leap but the cart, but he is still tangled up in hair, Mike: Whoa!! Back up here... Tom: Is it just me, or does the author totally NOT know how to use a word processor? Mike: It ain't you... Nothing makes any sense in this scene. >and he is propelled back into the cart, Crow: Huh? Wasn't he just dug out of Shag and freed of his restraints a minute ago?... >knocking Exile (who is holding the cart) >down, bringing Muzzle along with him. Muzzle weakly coughs up another white >hairball. Exile sits up, Muzzle looks up dazed. Mike (Exile): Don't tell me you read dis fic too. > > EXILE > (SARCASTIC) >Nice going, Shag. Tom (Exile): Yah, and same to you, auttor. You makin' us so ridiculously incompetent! Vat kinda stupid ploy is this?! (Why all the crappy grammar and spelling? Well, I try to make my riffs sound like the Husky's saying them, when the riffs are done as if the Husky were saying them. Bear with that.) Crow: A bit high-strung today, are we? Tom: You started the whole incomptence thing, remember? Crow: But you started criticizing this fic from like, the first scene, remember? > >Shag whimpers. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >I agree comrade Shagster... Tom (Exile): This be stupidski fanfic. >we're in big troublski. > >The mutant drops Colleen and begins lumbering towards the other Rovers. Tom: Whoa, since when did mutant have an axe? > >FADE OUT Tom: The Hell?! > >The large words of "ROAD ROVERS" quickly scrolls across the screen from >right to left. Crow: Don't tell me this is supposed to be... Mike: Yup... it's a break... (a la church lady) how convenient! (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Tom: Man, can't believe that the author had the nerve to allow for commerical breaks in this damn fanfic... Crow: What's even worse is that the author has NO IDEA how to make the viewer, er reader, care for the guys. The way we're going, who cares if they get their asses kicked? Mike: Anyways, right now, the guys are at NASA, which brings up an interesting question... What if the Rovers were launched into outer space? Tom: Actually they HAVE been in outer space... in 2 of their 13 eps. They've had a pursuit scene, and they fought some aliens, but that's just about it... Crow: And in the latter situation, there were some guys called the 'Space Rovers'... I know this was supposed to parody 'Star Trek' and yet I feel it's a plot convenience. Mike: Okay... Tom: Of course, there's not much to do out there... the only relevant things they HAVEN'T done in space that comes to mind is fixing satellites and destroying extraterrestrial stuff that's gonna do heavy damage to the world... Mike: Yeah, I guess you're right. (pause) Tom: You know all of those moves Colleen's shown us? Mike: Yeah? Tom: I can do that too. (Bumps Crow) Disney! Crow: Well, 2 can play at that game... (Bumps Tom) Paramount! (The 2 keep bumping each other, soon Crow trips Tom, Tom hits Crow with his hoverskirt, so both are on the floor, where the fight develops into an all- scale battle on the floor. Alright, my wording feels trite, but you get the idea. And during all this, Tom and Crow scream stuff like 'Rin-tin-tin', 'Macarena', and the like.) Mike: Kids. They grow up so fast. (notices flashing sign) We'll be right back... (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (All re-enter the theater) Tom: Let's refresh... when we left off, the guys were fighting a mutant at NASA. Muzzle's attack was 'restrained' by Shag's fur. Colleen got knocked down by the mutant, and it's now headed for some of the others. Crow: No offense to Blitz and Huntress. Even though Huntress is incomptently sniffing around. Sheesh! Huntress is *not* taking any hints from him. Mike: Let's now pick up where we left off... > >FADE IN > >INTERIOR: NASA SPACE CENTER - LEFT HALLWAY >Shag jumps into Exile's arms, still whimpering. Exile bowls over again. > > EXILE > (ANNOYED, UNDER SHAG) >This is just greatski. > >Hunter looks at Exile and company. > > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Hold on guys, I'll be right back! Tom: Hehheh, another break already?... > >Hunter rushes off towards Blitz. Shag, Muzzle, and Exile exchange confused >glances. The mutant begins drooling, some lands on Exile. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >Since comrade Colleen is knocked out and unable to say it, I will... EWWW!!! >GROSS!!! > >(PAN OVER TO HUNTER AND BLITZ) Hunter stops when he reaches Blitz, Crow: Hello, author? You forgot something: the mutant's in the way! >who is *still* holding onto Huntress's arm. > > HUNTRESS > (ANNOYED) >If you don't let go in one second I'll... > > BLITZ > (SLY) >You'll what? > > HUNTRESS > (SCREAMS) >PEPE LE PEW!!! > Tom: I guess everyone is stealing Colleen's bit today. >Huntress wrestles her arm away from Blitz and kicks him into the wall, then >continues to sniff. Hunter looks at her. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >I guess everyone is stealing Colleen's bit today. Tom: Geez. Not to mention mine, too... > >Hunter walks over to Blitz. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Hey buddy, can I borrow that gun of yours? > > BLITZ > (IN PAIN) >Here... > Mike: Wait a sec. When did Blitz ever have a gun? Tom: Well, if you gotta fight crime, you gotta have one handy. >Blitz slides down from the wall, then hands Hunter his "Tooshie Biting Boquet". >Hunter takes a stance, then fires the gun. A silver ball flies out of the opening, >after a few seconds part of it extend into teeth and jaws. The "teeth" hit the >mutant's tuchus, he yelps and grabs it. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Your turn Exile! > >Exile smiles. Tom: He's on 'Candid Camera'. (Its theme goes 'Smile, you're on Candid Camera!') > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >It will be my pleasure comrade. > >Exile freezes the mutant up to his neck. The mutant struggles, to no avail. >Huntress stands up, and turns >around pointing. > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED) >I knew I smelled it! There it is! Tom: Uh, girl, were you in a *coma* just now? It came in, it took down the collie, it got frozen, and all this time you were just sniffing for it instead of just standing up and looking around. And this was even after the German dude told you about it. In short, you're really incompetent. Crow: Calm down, and enough with the 'coma' lines. Please? Tom: I would, if the fic would just let me! > >Everyone gives her yet another strange look. Mike: And Huntress joins the “Pat on the Back Club.” Tom: Don't forget the '100% Incompetence Club', Mike. Sheesh! >Hunter kneels over Colleen. > Mike: Hey, hey, hey! This is a kids' story! > HUNTER > (CONCERNED) >Yo Colleen, you there? Crow (Colleen): 'Course I'm here... What are you, blind? > > COLLEEN > (SOFTLY, IN PAIN) >Anyone get the license number of that dog? > >Hunter pats her on the head and turns to the others. > > HUNTER > (STERN) >We have to get her back to Mission Control. Exile, help me here, but be careful, >she may have a back injury. Shag says something loudly and takes out a stretcher. > > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >Good ideaski Shagster! > >He and Hunter load Colleen onto the stretcher, and the Rovers begin to move her >out carefully. > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - SICKBAY >Colleen is on a bed, Hubert is next to her, and the Rovers and Huntress >look on > > HUBERT > (BLUNT) >This isn't good, she can't detransdogmafy for a few days. Tom: Great, there are RULES now for when and when not to detrans-whatever... Crow: Yeah, it's like the author's making them up as he/she's going along. > > EXILE > (CONCERNED) >This isn't goodski, we need comrade Colleen, there are a lot of mutants... > >Hunter looks up suddenly and points to the napping female shepherd in the >corner. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >What about her? > > HUBERT > (BLUNT) >Well she still has a sprained paw... > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) Tom: Hunter, blunt. Hubert, blunt. Hunter, blunt. No wonder the fic's so ridiculously dull. >But wouldn't it help her heal it faster? Maybe a pass through would heal her >wounds? > >Hubert rubs his chin. > > HUBERT > (IN THOUGHT) >It might... Tom (Hubert): Then again, it might not. > > HUNTER > (EXCITED) >Then let's go! > >Exile grabs the dog and they start out. > > HUBERT > (CONCERNED) >But what if... > Crow: [Hubert] ...we've already dealt with that particular plot twist? >Everyone is already out of the room. > > HUBERT > (ANNOYED) >Never mind. > Tom: [Hubert] This fanfic is so messed up, nobody will notice anyway. Mike: We try our best not to mind. >He goes back to tending to Colleen. > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - TRANSDOGMAFIER ROOM >Blitz's chamber is high in geer, smoke and fog are emitting from the machine, Crow: So now it's a fog machine... >soon it shuts off and the German shepherd steps out in Cano-Sapien form. Mike: Don't forget the regular armor, author. Crow: Well, what else do they wear?! (mumbles) And since when was armor 'regular' wear? >She >looks down at her new body. > > FEMALE SHEPHERD > (SLIGHT TEXAN ACCENT, IMPRESSED) >I think I could get use to this! Mike (Peggy Hill): Hooo yeah! > > HUNTER > (CONCERNED) >How's your wrist? > >She twist her wrist around. > > FEMALE SHEPHERD > (BLUNT) >All better! Tom: Can we say, plot convenience? Mike + Crow: Plot convenience. > >She looks at them. > > FEMALE SHEPHERD > (EXCITED) >Soo... when do we start? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Right now, but first, we need to call you something... Crow: I'm thinking Miss Plot Contrivance will be a good name for her. Tom: Crow, if you're right about that, I'm going to hate you for the rest of this story. > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED, INTERRUPTING) >Toodle Cheezey Nipzotes!!! > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Actually, I was more or less hinting at her to tell us her name. > > HUNTRESS > (DISSAPOINTED) >Oh. > >The shepherd smiles. > > FEMALE SHEPHERD > (BLUNT) >The name is Canis. Canis Lupus, from Texas. Crow: One good thing about fics? No annoying accents. Mike: Oh yeah? What about Exile? Crow: Well, at least the author's sparing us a lame southern drawl... > >She extends her hand, and Exile shakes it. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >Doesn't Canis lupus mean wolf? > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >Yeah, my owner thought I looked like a wolf cub when I first came in. She was >such a smart little kid, always reading, she was the one who named me. > >The Rovers all "ohhh". Mike: Uh, the readers couldn't care less about how you were named. Get back to the story already. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >So will you help us? > >Canis sits there, thinking for a moment. > > CANIS > (EAGERLY) >Sure! > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - BRIEFING ROOM >Canis is rapidly typing on a computer stowed away in the corner as the other >Rovers watch over her shoulder. Tom: Hey, hey, that's impolite! > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >Would someone mind telling me again what the pretty Texan she-dog is doing >again? > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >I'm hacking... Tom (Canis): ...my arm. Crow: Oh, you wish. >I mean, logging in, to the accounts and ownership rights of the >surrounding warehouses and other places in the district to see where Parvo might >hide. > Mike: S'pose we have enough time for this to turn into a Bookshire fanfic? > BLITZ > (CONFUSED) >Oh, carry on. > >Canis continues typing, after a few seconds she stops and returns to >Hunter. > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >Okay, I've been tracking and narrowing down possibilities, it's either The Old >Tuna Fish Factory... > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >What's it's name? > > CANIS > (BLUNT) Tom: [Canis, singing] Roto Rooter, that's the name; and away go troubles down the drain! Roto Rooter! Crow: Speaking of going down the drain, this fic's credibility is seriously doing just that. Sheesh. >That is it's name. Or the Boots and Jeans Storage Warehouse. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >That it's name too? > > CANIS > (SARCASTIC) >No, I just like to call it that. It's actually Calvin Kline's secret hideout for thermal >nuclear green jeans that they're going to sell to the Asian dominating countries. > > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED) >I knew it! It's always the green jeans! > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >Yeah, that's right. Anyhoo, these are the two choices. Which one is it? > >They all stand there deep in thought. They all look up. Hunter looks at Blitz. Blitz >looks at Huntress. Huntress looks at Shag. Shag looks at Canis. Canis looks at >Exile. Exile looks at Muzzle. Muzzle looks at Hunter. Hunter looks at Huntress. (All snore) Mike: Enough with everyone looking at everyone else! >Huntress looks at Canis. After a few minutes of everyone looking at everyone >else, they all stop. > > ROVERS, HUNTRESS, CANIS > (AGREEING) >The Tuna Fish Factory. > >EXTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - DOCKS >It is late midnight. The docks are full of rickety and rotting boards, a few fishing >boats, and some motorboats. In the shadows we can see the outline of a building >with a big smiling neon goldfish sign lighting it up some. The DSR pulls up and >the Rovers (minus Colleen, plus Huntress and Canis, divided by the sum of last >year's interest rates...) Tom: This fic is making less sense by the minute. Crow: Try *second*. >step out. > > HUNTRESS > (DISGUSTED) >Ugh! Fish stench! That's it, I'm getting back in the car! > >Blitz's head pops out of the window. > > HUNTRESS > (NAUSEATED) >On second thought, I'll stay out here. > > HUNTER > (ANNOYED) >Knock it off. Just use a clothespin. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Where? > >Shag pulls a box out of his fur, Huntress takes on and puts it on her nose. Mike: [makes Unreal Tournament “being killed” sound] >She begins to hug Shag for thanks, but slips and falls into his fur. > > CANIS > (ROLLING EYES) >It's gonna be one of those nights. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Let's move in. > >INTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - PRODUCTION ROOM >Inside the floor is covered with tuna, and the walls are covered with fishing nets. >The lights are on. One by one, the Rovers sneak in through a now cut hole in the >wall. Canis walks over to the door and opens it. > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >The obvious works, we just never use it. Tom: If the author had to rip off the 'Police Academy' films, something is *certainly* wrong with his/her brain. (There's a scene in 'Police Academy 7' that's sort of like this. Well, at least it involves 'breaking into' a building through the unlocked front door... Hey, that's what came into my head at the time.) > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Isn't that the fun part though? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Parvo has to be here somewhere or... > > BLITZ > (INTERUPTING, ANNOYED) >The little Texan dog was wrong. Isn't that right? You were wrrooong. >W-R-O-N-Geeeeeeeeeeee............ > >Canis is now holding Blitz up by the ear, breathing harshly in his ear. > > CANIS > (LOW VOICE, MENACING) >I'm not wrong. > Crow: Not in terms of this fanfic, anyway, seeing how the thing is wrong in so many other ways. >She lets him go. Blitz scrambles behind Shag. > > BLITZ > (SCARED) >All of the pretty she-dogs are against me. > Mike: Most living creatures are against him. Crow: The same goes for robots, too. > HUNTRESS > (ANNOYED) >We always were. > > CANIS > (ANNOYED) >Too true. > >They begin to split up. Canis, Huntress, Shag, and Blitz go into a corridor of >the factory to look for Parvo. > > HUNTRESS > (EXCITED) >Hey, Cheezy, I found something! > >Canis looks confused. > > CANIS > (CONFUSED) >Wha? > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >That's your name, isn't it? > > CANIS > (ANNOYED) >No. My name is Canis. Didn't you catch that in the last scene? > > HUNTRESS > (MEEK) >Uhh, no. What scene? > Crow: [makes “Star Trek” warning alert noise] Mike: Warning! Damage to fourth wall! Warning! Damage to fourth wall! >Canis groans, annoyed, and walks down the hallway, farther away now. Huntress >begins to check in rooms that are connected to the corridor. She opens one >door and a large furry hand reaches out to grab her. She jumps back, and pulls >out a whip ala Indiana Jones. All (Indiana Jones theme): Da da da daaaa, da da daaa... > > HUNTRESS > (SHOUTING) >GET BACK!! > >She beats the hand back with the whip. Blitz comes up behind her and extracts >his claws. > Crow: Extracting his claws from what? > BLITZ > (PROUD) >I'll save your cute tooshie, pretty she-dog. > >Huntress glares at him and shoves him out of the way as she beats the furry >thingummy back. > > HUNTRESS > (SCOWLING) >For one thing, I have a name. > > CANIS > (PERKY) >Cheezy? > Crow: [makes “Star Trek” warning noise] Mike: Warning! Damage to fourth wall! Warning! Damage to fourth wall! Tom: Ugh, enough with the fourth wall warning noise... Besides, how is that a fourth wall violation? >Huntress gives her a Look. Tom (writer): It's so important, I gave the look a capital 'L'. >She shrugs. > > CANIS > (INDIFFERENT) >Just wondering. > > HUNTRESS > (ANGRY) >And for another thing, I can take care of myself! Mike: Oh really? Try cooking a decent meal first. Sheesh. > >At this moment, the large hand steps out to reveal it is a large Irish >Wolfhound/bulldog Cano-Mutant. It looms behind Huntress. Blitz goes pale, and >points, gaping, at the mutant behind her. > > BLITZ > (HORRIFIED) >Ga. Ga. Ga. > Mike: Why can't he stop singing Queen? (Referring to Queen's song 'Radio Ga Ga'.) > CANIS > (CURIOUS, OFF SCREEN) >Why can't he stop saying Gillian Anderson's initials?! Mike: For the record, my joke was better. > >Shag, silent until this time behind Blitz, says something and leaps into his >arms. They crash to the floor. > > CANIS > (CONFUSED) >What'd he say? > > HUNTRESS > (ANGRY) >I don't care if there's a Cano-Mutant behind me, Shag! Crow: Well, that just makes you look even more incompetent, girl. >Finally, that stupid >Dobie's learned that I'm not taking any of his chauvanistic stuff from him! Mike: Yeah, but at least you could take a *hint* from him! Geez. Tom: Incompetence certainly *doesn't* make for decent running jokes. > >Shag says something. Huntress's face drains of all color, Tom: As this fanfic drains of any credibility. Mike: That is, if it had any to begin with... >and her ears go >limp. She turns around. The Cano-Mutant roars loudly. Huntress, Blitz, and >Shag's mouths are hanging open in fear. Canis marches up to him, waving a hand >in front of her nose. Tom: Canis, this ain't the Men In Black music video shoot. Mike: Yeah, you're not even a *man*. > > CANIS > (ANNOYED) >You realize how bad your breath smells? > >She pulls a pack of Tic Tacs out of her uniform and presses it into his hand. >She then pulls a dentist's chair from off screen and hauls the Cano-Mutant >into it. Canis stands over him with a small hand mirror, scraping his teeth. Crow: Oh great. Now the author's ripping jokes right out of Animaniacs!... > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >This could be a sign of a dental problem, or something worse. > > HUNTRESS > (HOPEFUL) >Like gingivitis? > > CANIS > (ANNOYED) >Shut up! > >She gives the Mutant's teeth a final scraping, before reaching into her >uniform and pulling out a toothbrush. She hands it to him, and yanks him out >of the chair. > Crow: Where is she keeping this stuff? Mike: I know it wouldn't be going in *my* mouth... > CANIS > (BLUNT) >Now if you'll be on your way.... Crow: O.K. [gets up to leave] Mike: [holds Crow back] No. Not yet. > >The Mutant mutters something as he is being shoved off screen. Canis pushes >him into one of the little rooms and slams and locks the door. She walks back >to the group. > > CANIS > (SMUG) >Now there's nothing that a little brushing and flossing can't cure. Tom: (cymbal noise) > >FADE OUT Crow: OK, now we leave... Mike: Sorry, we don't get a break here, let's move on... > >FADE IN > >INTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - LOADING BAY >Hunter, Exile, and Muzzle are creeping behind several crates. > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >This is getting us nowheres. > Crow: You're just noticing that *now*? > >Hunter stops sniffing and looks at him. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >True, but we still have to try. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky and find some >little pointer to if Parvo really is here. > >Muzzle grunts. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Eh? Come again? > >Muzzle grunts again. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Uhh, still didn't get it. Tom (Exile): This no time for joke, man! > >Muzzle grunts again, louder now. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Errr, what'd you say? > >Muzzle growls and snarls through his metal muzzle. Hunter runs his fingers >through his bangs. Tom: 'Bangs'? Aren't those for, I dunno, *women*? > > HUNTER > (ANNOYED) >Geez, sorry. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >What did comrade Muzzle say? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Oh, it was something about Parvo and Groomer up there in that skybox Tom (Hunter): Watching a baseball game. >and >something about lots of fish. Tom (Exile): Vat's 2 and 2? Crow (Hunter): Uh... 3? Tom: Geez, Hunter seriously needs a brain check. Mike: If there's someone who needs a brain check, it's the author. Why else would he/she make the Rovers so incompetent? > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >Fish? > >Muzzle grunts loudly and bounces over to a corner of the room. Hunter looks at >him. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Hey, where's he going? > >A large shadow forms over Exile and Hunter, it grows bigger by each moment. >Exile looks up. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >Ah, there are the fishski. > >A load of fish falls on Hunter and Exile. After a few moments of gagging and >waving their arms about, Exile and Hunter pull themselves out. Hunter sniffs >himself. > > HUNTER > (DISGUSTED) >Phew! Remind me to take a shower when we get back! Crow: Remind the Master to teach you some manners, too! Mike: And remind yourself to get some intelligence. Geez. > > VOICE FROM ABOVE > (AMERICAN ACCENT) >If you ever make it "back". > >The Rovers look up. Above, on a catwalk, Crow: It's a fashion show! >General Parvo and Groomer [insert >description here] are looking down at them. > > PARVO > (SHOUTING) >Cano-Mutants! Seize them! > > EXILE > (MUTTERING) >Looks like Parvo wants to be King Johnski. Mike (like Patrick Stewart from 'Men in Tights'): From now on, I declare all toilets to be called 'johns'! > >Dozens of Cano-Mutants pour out of doors all around them, gnashing their >teeth. They surround the Rovers in a thick circle. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >I would not have predicted this! > >INTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - CORRIDOR >Huntress, Canis, Blitz, and Shag are walking down the hallway. They see the >swinging doors that lead to the loading bay. > > CANIS > (BLUNT) >Maybe Parvo's in here. > >She tentatively swings open the doors. Hunter and Exile are running around for >dear life, being chased by Cano-Mutants, while Parvo and Groomer look on from >above, smiling evilly. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Did I ever mention how good of a guesser you are? Tom (Huntress): You'd be perfect for 'The Weakest Link'. Crow: Unlike certain other Rovers that are ridiculously incompetent. > > CANIS > (ANNOYED) >At least I'm not WRONG...W-R-O-N-Geeeeeeee!! > >She casts a withering look in Blitz's direction. He shrinks back. Shag says >something. > > BLITZ > (BLUNT) >I agree, Shag. We should all go try and rescue them. > > HUNTRESS > (SCORNFUL) >No, no! He asked for a bottle of Perrier. > >Shag nods, tongue hanging out, "Ra ra ra ra ra!" > Crow: He looks like Quina from Final Fantasy 9 and sounds like Scooby Doo getting it on. >Canis reaches into Shag's fur and hands him a bottle of sparkling water. Tom (Shag): Evian? This no good... >Shag >barks out a "thank you". Huntress shoves her way past Blitz and is about to >charge into the Loading Bay when he pulls her back. > > BLITZ > (STERN) >No, Huntress. This is for the males. You shemales stay behind and cook and >clean our clothes. > >Her eyes flash reddish, and she stares him down. > > BLITZ > (TIMID) >Or maybe we should do the cooking and the cleaning while you go kick the >baddies' tuchuses. > >She nods sternly and stomps into the Loading Bay. Canis, Shag, then finally >Blitz follow. > >INTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - LOADING BAY >Hunter comes to a skidding halt as he spies Huntress. > > HUNTER > (OUT OF BREATH, PANTING) Crow: [Beavis] Boiiiing! >Boy, am I glad you guys are here. Tag team! > >Hunter slaps her hand and sits down at the corner. Blitz looks at Exile. > > BLITZ > (CONFUSED) >Aren't you going to slap me into play? > Crow: I'd like to slap him too. Unconcious, that is. > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >Don't be sick boy! > > BLITZ > (CONFUSED, ANNOYED) >What?! > >Canis marches in, Shag trailing behind her. She reaches into his fur and pulls >out a huge foam mallet with a large metal rod in the middle (for stability.) >She whacks a mutant in the head with it, but it bounces off harmlessly. She >repeats this process a few times, getting the same results. > > CANIS > (ANNOYED) >To heck with it! > >She takes off the foam part and brandishes the metal rod. > > CANIS > (EVIL LAUGHTER) >Who needs their reflexes tested? > >She swings the rod like a bat into a mutant's knee. (Tom makes baseball organ noise) >He grabs it and jumps up >and down on his good leg cursing in fluent Cano-Mutant. > > CANIS > (SMUG) >Guess he's okay! Who's next? > >Exile is wrestling with a mutant, getting the worse of the beating. Blitz >stands at the side, watching and looking impatient. Exile looks at Blitz >annoyed. > > EXILE > (ANNOYED) >What is your problem?! Why aren't you helping comrade? > > BLITZ > (BLUNT) >You have to slap me. Tom (Exile): Sure, how about in the *face*? > >Exile shudders. He puts his left hand over his eyes and gently pokes Blitz's >shoulder with his right index finger. > > EXILE > (LOW VOICE) >All right, you go. > >Blitz grins and gnashes his teeth. > > BLITZ > (PLEASED) >I will have great pleasure in biting their tuchuses. > Crow: And I will have great pleasure in blowing chunks when this is over. >Exile shudders again. > > EXILE > (MUTTERING) >I think I will crawl up in this corner over here and be ill. > Tom: [to Exile] Outta the way, buddy! I got dibs on that corner! >Blitz runs off, biting some Cano-Mutant butt. Huntress is running circles >around three Mutants, until they drop to the ground, dizzy. Canis is whopping >mutants upside their heads with the metal rod. Hunter turns to Exile. >' > HUNTER > (PROUD) >Our work here is done. > >Exile shrugs and buries his head in his arms. > > EXILE > (WEAK) >I am going to be sicksku. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >That's a new one. > > EXILE > (WEAK) >I'm trying to broaden my vocabulary. > Tom: More likely, it was a typo by the author that s/he decided to leave in because it was funny. > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Oh, cool. > >They look up, all of the Cano-Mutants are either unconscious, mending their >wounds, or running away from Blitz in terror. > > HUNTER > (PLEASED) >Cool! Now we can finally end this stupid chase! To the power of the pack. > >Exile, Muzzle, Blitz, Hunter, and Shag howl in triumph. After they finish, >Hunter looks around confused. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Hey, where'd Parvo go? > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >And the evil Groomer woman? > >Hunter again looks around confused. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >One. Two. Three. Four. Tom (as if protesting): We don't wanna read no more! >I think we're missing something. > >Muzzle bops his hand with his head. > > HUNTER > (REALIZING) >Oh yeah! I guess that's that! > >Blitz looks behind a crate. > > BLITZ > (CALLING) >Yoo-hoo! Pretty little Huntress dog! Come out of hiding, bad dog mutants are >all gone now! > >Shag mumbles something inintelligible. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >What'd he say? > Tom: I believe the translation is “They've outsmarted us again, you stereotypical smegheads!” > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >He thinks maybe the Dodgers'll make the World Series this year. > > BLITZ > (PLEASED) >Oh, good. I like that team. Such pretty uniforms. (Crow slaps himself... if Tom's arms worked he'd slap himself too.) Crow: Enough with the pointless dialog! Tom: And enough with the dumb script format too! It's making the fic longer than it really is. Crow: Yeah, and enough with all the incompetence. The author's giving the Rovers a bad name! Mike: It's getting a *bit* ridiculous, don't you think? Tom: Getting? It's *already* ridiculous. Mike: Good point. > > EXILE > (MUTTERING) >Pansy. > > BLITZ > (SUSPICIOUS) >What was that? > Mike: A variety of flower. Tom: One word to describe how lame this fic is. Mike: It just keeps coming out of you, doesn't it? > EXILE > (HURRIEDLY) >Nothing. > > HUNTER > (CURIOUS) >Where's Huntress? > > BLITZ > (BLUNT) >That's what I was looking for. > >Shag says something else. > > EXILE > (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) >What now? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Oh yeah, and Canis is missing too. > > BLITZ > (SARCASTIC) >And I needed my teeth cleaned, too. > > EXILE > (DISGUSTED) >Surely all those Cano-Mutant tooshies would have been a tartar-fighting >agent. > Crow: More of a date-fighting agent, I'd think. > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >It was a joke! Do you know what a joke is? Can you spell it? J-O-K-E!! I knew >you could! Tom: Geez. You just *know* the fic's in trouble when they have to discuss what a joke is. Crow: Yeah. Like this fic. > > SHAG >Ra ra ra. > Tom: Sis boom bah! > BLITZ > (DISSAPOINTED) >Too bad the Huntress-dog is hiding, I wanted to ask her something. Tom (Blitz): Yah, like who does her hair... > > HUNTER > (ANNOYED) >Not now Blitz. > >EXTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - DOCKS >As it was before, five figures are standing on a speedboat. > > HUNTER > (VOICE OVER) >We need to find Canis and Huntress. > >Zoom into the speedboat. A streetlight illuminates the figures. The figures are >Parvo, Groomer, Canis, Huntress, and the Irish Wolfhound/Bulldog Cano-Mutant. >The mutant has each arm wrapped around Canis and Huntress, covering their >mouths. Both are kicking and struggling, but the mutant has no trouble holding >onto them. Parvo growls to himself and looks at Groomer. > > PARVO > (ANNOYED, QUIET) >Groomer! Can you do something to make them sit still? Crow: How about better acting? > >Groomer takes out a device and presses the button, some electricity sparks >through it, (Tom makes dog yelp noise, as if the canids were shocked with the device) >then dies out. Tom: D'oh! Crow: At least they weren't sampling your riffs... > > GROOMER > (APOLOGETIC, QUIET) >Sorry General. > > PARVO > (ANNOYED, QUIET) >At least can't you bind them or something? > >Groomer looks around, and spots some rope on the pier, she grabs it and with the >mutant holding, she binds Canis's legs, arms, and mouth shut. The mutant tosses >Canis into the rear of the speedboat and Groomer begins to bind Huntress. Parvo >takes out a key and starts the engine, the speedboat's motor roars to life. > >INTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - LOADING BAY >All the Rovers are peeking under crates and things of the like, Muzzle just hops >around and peers behind them. Hunter's ear perks up. > > HUNTER > (CURIOUS) >You hear that? Crow (Qui-Gon, The Phantom Menace): That's the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way... Tom: This whole fic is just one big terrible thing. Mike: You're practically going postal on this fic, eh? > >Exile shakes his head and puts a large steel box down. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >Nyet comrade, you must be hearing things. > >Hunter sets down a small wooden crate. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Yeah, guess so. > >EXTERIOR - TUNA FISH FACTORY - DOCKS >Parvo is cutting the lines holding the speedboat from the dock. Groomer has >Huntress's legs and arms bound and is about to bind her muzzle. She leans >forward, and Huntress brings her legs up and shoves her off, she struggles out of >the mutant's hold and begins howling loudly. > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >Blast it! Shut her up! The Rovers will hear!! Tom:(Parvo) Oops. Too late. Here they come now. > >INTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - LOADING BAY >All the Rovers stop and drop the crates they were holding. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Well I know that I heard that! Come on Rovers! Let's roll! > >He and Blitz are the first to rush out the door, followed by Exile, Shag, and >Muzzle. > >EXTERIOR: TUNA FISH FACTORY - DOCKS >Parvo smacks Huntress across the face, she loses her balance and hits her head >against the boat. Huntress yelps loudly. Blitz and Hunter rush out and see Parvo. > > HUNTER > (STERN) >Stop right there Parvo, and let our friends go. > > PARVO > (ANNOYED) >No chance. > >Blitz growls. > > BLITZ > (ANGRY) >You hand over the cute tooshies, or I'll slice your puny boat to itty bitty shreddy >pieces. > > PARVO > (ANNOYED) >Don't be a weird boy. > Crow: Right line, wrong character. >The speedboat pulls away from the dock. Hunter begins scanning the area. He >spots a few motorboats off in the distance, one with it's keys in the ignition. Mike (church lady): How convenient! Tom: Good eyesight, too. >Hunter dashes over and leaps into the boat, Blitz follows as Hunter starts it up. Tom: I can't get no, satisfaction. >Shag crawls in whimpering and Exile and Muzzle stay behind. > > EXILE > (BLUNT) >We'll watch the Cano-Mutantskis, you go rescue comrades! > >The speedboat takes off, tearing the feeble lines holding the boat to the dock. > >EXTERIOR: HOUSTON SHIP CHANNEL >Parvo's boat is speeding along, Huntress has recovered from the blow and is >glaring at him. > > HUNTRESS > (DEFIANT) >The Rovers are gonna stop you Mustache Man! > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >You shutup you traitor! I treated you like one of my own, gave you top status, and >you repay me Crow (Parvo): With a bad check! >by joining my most hated enemies! Tom: Well there's a newsflash. > > HUNTRESS > (SARCASTIC) >Well there's a newsflash. Tom: AAARGH!!! > > PARVO > (ANGRY) >Groomer!! > >She looks up. > > GROOMER > (BLUNT) >Yes General? > > PARVO > (ANNOYED) >Dispose of the traitor, one hostage is enough to keep those bungling dogs from >interfering. > > GROOMER > (PLEASED, WICKED) >It will be my extreme pleasure, General. > >She grabs Huntress by the scruff Tom: What is it with grabbing the scruff? Crow: They're teaching people to do Micheal Jackson impressions. >and part of the binding ropes holding her hands >and wraps the boat's small plastic anchor around her feet. > > GROOMER > (PLEASED) >I hope you like water traitor. > >The Rovers motorboat begins to catch up with Parvo's. Groomer shoves Huntress >off of the boat. From the Rover's boat, Blitz and Hunter see Groomer shove Huntress off. > > HUNTER/BLITZ >Noo!!! > >Blitz dives off of the boat and begins swimming after Huntress. Hunter and Shag >look shocked (well, Hunter does, we just assume Shag does too.) Mike: Umm, okay... > > HUNTER > (SURPRISED) >I would not have predicted this. > Tom: Something tells me that's his catchphrase... Crow: Hunter would not have predicted that he needs oxygen to survive if he took his helmet off in space. >Their boat continues to gain on Parvo's, until it is neck and neck. > >INTERIOR: HOUSTON SHIP CHANNEL - UNDERWATER >Huntress is drifting downwards, the anchor on her ankels dragging her further and >further. She struggles against her bindings, but to no prevail. Blitz begins >swimming down towards her. She looks up at him suprised and mouths "You?". >Blitz reaches Huntress and pulls up the rope holding the anchor to her ankles. He >opens his mouth and bites down on it hard, severing it in two. He grabs Huntress >around the waist and begins swimming back to the surface. > >EXTERIOR: HOUSTON SHIP CHANNEL >The boats are side by side. Hunter stands up on the side of the boat and handles >the controls with one hand. > Crow: And his B.C.U. with the other...[* “B.C.U” is another term along the lines of “area”] Mike: Crow... > HUNTER > (STERN) >Shag, take the wheel. > >Shag whimpers and does so, trying, and failing, to keep it from swerving. Tom (Shag mumble): Whoops. >Hunter >takes hold of the driver's windsheild. As Shag swerves in again, Hunter leaps onto >Parvo's boat. The Cano-Muant roars in Hunter's face as he gets up. Hunter sniffs a >little. > > HUNTER > (CURIOUS) >Is that that new flavor of Scope? Tom: No, it's Listerine! > >The Cano-Mutant breaths into his hands and sniffs, he nods his head vigerously. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Thought so. > >He takes the mutant by the arm and shoves him off of the speedboat. As the >speedboat gets further and further from the mutant, we see it swimming in circles. >Hunter grins to himself and then turns to Parvo, grabbing him in a >chokehold. > > HUNTER > (STERN) >Time to take you in Parvo, your reign is over. > Tom: His reign may be over, but how are you going to take him anywhere in a disease that affects puppies? Mike: It affects *cats*, Tom. Tom: Whatever. But seriously, how many kids are gonna get *that* reference?... > PARVO > (GAGGING) Crow: Just like the rest of us. >Groomer!! > >Groomer, from the back of the boat, watching the mutant stands up and starts to >run towards Parvo, Canis shifts her body and holds her legs out. Groomer trips >over them and flies to the front of the ship. Hunter continues to hold Parvo around >the neck as Groomer gets up. > > HUNTER > (STERN) >Don't try anything sister, or your boyfriend is going to take a swim. And we all >know how cats hate water. Crow: And what does that have to do with anything here?! Tom: Well, Parvo hates dogs, so maybe they're comparing him to a cat? I dunno, I'll just look it up! > >Parvo's eyes widen. > > PARVO > (NERVOUS) >Groomer... > >She stands there. > > GROOMER > (NERVOUS) >I don't know General. > >Parvo looks around wildly and spots Canis. > > PARVO > (STERN) >Dump the hostage!! Tom (Parvo): I don't want my colleagues dating anyone... > >Groomer nods and leaps to the back and shoves Canis overboard. Hunter shakes >his head and tosses Parvo to the other seat, then leaps out into the water. Tom: 9.3. Mike: 9.5. Crow: 9.7. >He >swims over and catches Canis. Shag pulls the boat around and pulls Canis in, then >helps Hunter in. Shag unties Canis's binds, and she lets loose the rope around her >muzzle. > > CANIS > (PLEASED) >Thanks Hunter... > >She looks down. > > CANIS > (DEPRESSED) >Sorry about that though, he got away. Mike (Hunter): All the better to keep the series goin' on, my pal. Tom (Canis): Excuse me? You think this series really needs to go on? > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >It's all right, we'll get him next time. Tom (a la Brooklyn Giants fan): Yeah, wait till next time... Nah, didn't work. > >Hunter turns the motorboat around and begins to head back in the other direction. Crow: If the Chips guys used the same idea whenever they were chasing their bad guys, they'd never have gotten their job done. Tom: Just another way of saying that the Rovers are *incompetent*. Mike: How many times can we say 'incompetent' in describing this fic? Crow: As many as we need to. > > BLITZ > (ANNOYED) >Yoo hoo, Huntah! > >Hunter stops the speedboat, Huntress (now untied) and Blitz swim over to the >boat. Hunter and Shag help them in. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Let's head home Rovers, it's been a long day. Tom: Same here, bro! > >They all nod. > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - DEBRIEFING ROOM >All the Rovers (including Colleen who is, with Hubert glaring at her from a >corner, sitting in a wheelchair), Canis, and Huntress stand in front of the >Master. > > MASTER > (PLEASED) >You're good good dogs. > > EXILE > (CONFUSED) >But we failed to catch Evil Parvo Man. > Tom (Exile, with a Jamaican accent): Again, man. It'sa like he always gets away from us man. > MASTER > (BLUNT) >True, but you did succeed in finding his hideout, and driving him out of the >Houston area. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Besides, we can catch him next time he surfaces. Crow: As long as he doesn't hit a Japanese fishing boat... (Referring to an incident that a US sub hit a Japanese fishing boat, killing a couple of students. Got worldwide attention. Really.) > > MASTER > (PLEASED) >Exactly. Now, Canis, Huntress, I must thank you for helping us with this mission. > > CANIS > (HOPEFUL) >Does this mean I get to return to my master now? > >Master looks down, his eyes glow a bit dimmer. > > MASTER > (BLUNT) >I'm sorry Canis, while you were out, we researched up on your owners. > >Hubert hands her a small copy of a police report. Canis scans it over, tears well up >in her eyes. > > CANIS > (UNBELIEVING) >No... they can't be... Crow (Canis): (sobbing) Osama's responsible for this!... (I wrote this originally before the Sept 11 incident.) Tom: Oh sure. Blame Osama for *everything*. Mike: Seriously, though, do they *always* have to keep it vague and only say some sort of generic disaster happened to someone's family in kids' shows? > >The tears begin streaming down her cheeks, Exile pulls her into a light hug and >pats her head comfortingly. Canis begins sobbing loudly. Exile leads her out. All >the Rovers seem a bit more depressed. > > MASTER > (BLUNT) >I suggest you all go get some rest at your homes. Mike: Yep. Keepin' it vague here. > > HUBERT > (BLUNT) >And it's back to sickbay with you. > >He wheels Colleen out of the room. Huntress hugs Blitz. > > HUNTRESS > (PLEASED) >Thank for saving my life Blitz, see you later? > >Blitz smiles. > > BLITZ > (PLEASED) >Of course, I'll be back tommarrow sweetie. > >She kisses him softly and he and Shag head out, Shag is giggling to something >about Blitz, who beings to turn red. Muzzle grunts and hops after them. Hunter >looks at Master. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Master, can I borrow Tom (kiddy): A couple of dollars? Pweese? >the Sonic Rover? I haven't visited my mother since I had to >leave Wyoming to find the Rovers. Crow: The *Sonic* Rover? Please, leave Sega out of this. > > MASTER > (BLUNT) >Sure, hurry back. Tom: Just like that, huh? > >Huntress walks over to Hunter. > > HUNTRESS > (CURIOUS) >Can I come? > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Why? > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Well, I know I came from somewhere before the labs, I just can't remember, it'd >be nice to see what it's like to have a mother. > >Hunter sighs. > > HUNTER > (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) Mike: Ourselves, TOTALLY ANNOYED. >I guess. > >Huntress clasps her hands together and barks happily. > > HUNTRESS > (PLEASED) >Coo!! See you in the plane! > >She takes off running, leaving a trail of fire behind her, Hunter shakes his head >and walks off towards the hangar. Hubert comes back into the room, seeing the >fire on the floor, takes out a fire exstinguisher and begins spraying the fire. Hubert >looks at Hunter. > > HUBERT > (ANNOYED) >Haven't I told you not to run like that in Mission Control? Tom (Hunter): Uh, I don't think so... > >Hunter shrugs. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Have you? > >Hunter continues to walk down the hall as Hubert continues to put out the trail of >fire. > >INTERIOR: FARM >Hunter is kneeling next to his mother (a golden retriever with blue eyes,) >while >Huntress leans back against the Sonic Rover, watching. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >And, that's what happened Mom. I'm sorry I couldn't visit sooner. > >Hunter's mother barks once. He smiles and hugs her. > > HUNTER > (PLEASED) >Thanks mom. > >Hunter's mom spots Huntress and erfies. (Remember, that means a question in >dog language) Tom: I thought it was 'erfs'... Crow: Never trust the author of a lame fanfic to be consistent. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >No Mom, that's not my girlfriend... > >Hunter's mom breaks her son's hug and walks over to Huntress, cocking her head >and barking curiously. Huntress extends her hand and Hunter's mom sniffs it. She >pauses and looks up at Huntress, squinting her eyes, and sniffing again. (Note: >We're now pretending Hunter's mom can talk, we're also pretending that it's just >dog language translated, kay kay?) Mike: Oh no, not again. Enough with the dogtalk already! Crow: How's this writer like a good limboist? Tom: Uh, how? Crow: There's no limit to how low they can go. Tom: ...Point taken. > > HUNTER'S MOM > (EXCITED) >Oh my! It is you! > >Huntress looks down at her. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >I'm sorry ma'am, I don't think we've met. > >Hunter walks up to them. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Yeah Mom, she's from the west coast. > >Hunter's mom shakes her head. > > HUNTER'S MOTHER > (ANNOYED) >A mother never forgets the scent of her pups, Tom: The long-awaited sequel to 'Scent of a Woman'. >no matter how long it's been. > >Huntress squeaks. > > HUNTRESS > (CONFUSED) >Pups? > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Mom, what are you talking about? > Tom: [Hunter's mom] I'm going to be a crappy version of Darth Vader in a later fanfic. > HUNTER'S MOTHER > (BLUNT) >Well, I guess I can't suspect you to remember, being so young. But you two were a >pair from the begining, Hunter being the biggest of the litter, and you... > >She indicates Huntress. > > HUNTER'S MOTHER > (BLUNT) >Being the runt. Hunter always made sure the other pups didn't pick on you too >much, and you always were able to crawl through small spaces, and helping you >and Hunter escape and getting into a lot of trouble. Tom: Sounds like your typical ep of 'Rugrats' to me... Crow: (opening bars of Rugrats theme) >Then when Hunter was >adopted, you got really depressed. A week later a man from another local farm >got you for his neice who was traveling in from California to visit on her birthday. >Tell me, did they take real good care of you dear? > >Huntress looks at Hunter, he nods. > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >They were wonderful Mom. Tom (Huntress): Unless you count the fact that drilled holes in my head... Yep! They were just fine. > >She smiles and continues to tell them stories of their puppyhood. Tom: So they're sister and brother? Mike: Looks the size of it... > >INTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL - HANGAR >Hunter and Huntress walk out of the Sonic Rover conversing their past. Tom (Huntress): Ever seen a Dodgers game?... Crow (Hunter): Well, not since Dennis Martinez... (ref to the '91 Expos pitcher who pitched a 'perfect game' against the Dodgers) >Huntress >stops suddenly and touches Hunter on the shoulder. Tom: Something tells me this is gonna be a game of tag... > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >You're it. Tom: Yep, it is. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >Huh? > > HUNTRESS > (BLUNT) >Tag, you're it. > >She grins and takes off down the hall, running at top speed, leaving a trail of fire >behind her. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT) >Oh no you don't! > >He runs after her, also leaving a trail of fire behind. Hubert walks in the room and >sees the twin sets of fire flames. > > HUBERT > (ANGRY) >Hunter!! Get back here!! > >He takes out a fire extinguisher and begins putting out the trail. > > HUBERT > (ANGRY) >I mean it!!! (Mike echoes 'mean it' like Michael Jackson's 'Beat It') > >EXTERIOR: ROAD ROVER MISSION CONTROL GROUNDS >As it was before. > > HUBERT > (ANGRY, VOICE OVER) >This is going on both of your records! You hear me?! Your records!!! Tom (Hubert): Your CD's and cassettes, too... Crow (Bronson Pinchot of Perfect Strangers): Let me guess... Jailhouse Rock. I like that record. > >A loud crash is heard, followed by Hunter and Huntress laughing. > > HUBERT > (ANGRY, VOICE OVER) >That's it!! Once I get my hands on you two... > > HUNTRESS > (NERVOUS, VOICE OVER) >Uh oh bro, time to split. > > HUNTER > (BLUNT, VOICE OVER) >Got that right. > >A few seconds later Huntress and Hunter are running out on the grounds, with >Hubert waving a large stack of papers in his hands. > > HUBERT > (ANGRY) >Just once, right now, slow down! > >He continues to chase them. Hunter looks back to grin at an angry-looking >Hubert, and crashes into a tree. Huntress stops in her tracks, going back to where >Hunter is sitting on the ground, rubbing his forehead. > > HUNTER > (CONFUSED) >I don't remember a tree being there... > >They both look up. It is obvious now that the tree is a cardboard cutout; Mike: I've heard of budget cuts, but this is ridiculous. >sitting up >in its crepe paper branches is Lennon Tom (singing): Imagine all the people... >(a female Saluki/bloodhound/golden >labrador retriever mix with shoulder-length strawberry blonde hair that curls >under at the tips, pale, pale fur, and slightly hazelish eyes). Tom: Oh great, a pointless fan character... Mike: With description, to boot... >She is wearing her >gray mechanic's jacket over a white T-shirt and jeans, and is holding a video >camera. > > LENNON > (AMERICAN ACCENT) >Oh, man! This is going to be a shoe-in for America's Stupidest Crow (Lennon): Fanfics! >Home Videos! > >She notices they're looking up at her. Her smile fades and she slowly pulls the >eyepiece away from her. > > LENNON > (BLUNT) >Uh-oh. > >Her weight shifts and she falls backwards out of the tree into a rose bush. Hubert >finally catches up with Hunter and Huntress. They're snickering. > > HUBERT > (CONFUSED) >What?! What are you two laughing at?! Mike (Hunter): How lame this fanfic was. > >The camera pans over to a sulking Lennon, who is gingerly picking thorns out of >her tail. > >FADE OUT > > |______________________________ > 0[[[[[[XX|_____________________________/ > | > Mike: Ok, what's that supposed to be? Tom: It's the sword from 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon'. Duh! >Many thanks goes to my best bud Kitson Paws for helping me finish this >plotless Crow: 'Plotless' isn't exactly the right word, is it? >and endless monster. I owe you one KitKat! > Tom: Hand 'em over. We're waiting! >The "Muzzle falls into Shag's fur scene" was suggested by Katalin Bakonyi. >Thanks Kat! I was stuck there! >Oh yeah, Kat says to tell you all: Tom: 'Why does the author make the Rovers look so incompetent in this fic? You tell me.' > >"This story may be duplicated as long as it is not sold or altered in any form. You >may not make money off of this story. You may not print it out, fold it up into >little paper airplanes, and throw said airplanes at passing cars. Mike: Hoo-hoo, throwing paper airplanes is fun... >You may not >blame the fact that you didn't do your homework on this story. If you didn't do >your homework, well, that's your problem, mister. Stop trying to drag me into >this. Mike: Well, at least I've finished college... > > In other words, you can make lots and lots of copies, go up into a >helicopter, and drop them from the >sky while shouting: "YEEK! It's raining paper! Look out, it's the end of the >world!" I tried it, it's REALLY fun. But if you'd rather just read the story, I can >understand that... You can get nosebleeds up in copters like that. Mike: So what? I've spent years in this ship, and I'm just fine... > >You MAY, however, pass it out and pretend to collect money for it- you know, >like, collect Monopoly >money or something. See, that way more people will read this, and you'll be a >Monopoly millionaire. Something for everyone! > Crow: Is it just me or is this making less sense than anything that came before it? Tom: It ain't you, pal... this must be the most nonsensical copyright disclaimer *in the world*. > This story may be distributed as long as the author is given credit, and no >profit is made from it. This author may be credited as long as the profit is given >distribution. All events in this story are true, but were changed to protect the >innocent and are now so different from the way they originally were that they are >worthy of being a Disney feature. Tom: (cymbal noise) >:) Okay! THAT'S IT! LECTURE OVER! GET >OUT!!!! (All get up to leave, but Mike stays a bit) > > > > > > ARE YOU SOME KIND OF WEIRDO????LEAVE ALREADY!!!QUIT >READING WHAT I WROTE..............!" > > Mike: Alright, alright, you don't have to rush us... (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: So what did you think?... Tom: This story really made the Rovers dumber than they actually are, examples, Huntress sniffs the trail of some baddie while the baddie's attacking the others... and there are quite a few scenes where someone tells a warning to the others and they don't even heed it. Crow: Then again, this is supposed to be funny... but still, this is ridiculous! Mike: Anyways we've survived that. (pause) Tom: Y'know, I've read that the guy who provides Shag's noises in 'Road Rovers', Frank Welker, usually does just animal noises. Growls, roars, brays, the guy does them quite well. Crow: I really wonder how this voice actor can live off making just animal noises and not doing any talking. Mike: You might as well ask him, Frank just happens to be on the line... (Hexfield: Frank Welker) Mike: Wow... I've heard that you're pretty much the greatest when it comes to making all those miscellaneous vocal effects like braying, growling and all that kind of stuff. Frank: Yeah, would you believe I chased a dog this morning with a Rottweiler impersonation? Anyways, I've not only given lots of animated animals' noises, I've even made the roster of some live action films. Tom: Name some. Frank: Deep Blue Sea, the 1996 remake of 101 Dalmatians, Jumanji, and ID4 just to name a few. Of course, I was given the duty of 'special vocal effects' in all those films. Crow: How DO you manage to live off growling, rather than talking, like most other voice actors do? Frank: I DON'T live off just growling. I've had regular speaking roles in some animated TV series. Examples, I was the voice of Histeria's Father Time, and I had quite a few speaking roles on Animaniacs, not to mention a LOAD of voices in the ultimate toy line toon of the 80s, Transformers. So I'm pretty much like your average voice actor... except that I happen to be a crackshot at animal noises. Tom: How long do you think you're gonna do this for money? Frank: Until Letterman can give me a run for my money, I guess... Mike: Whoa... anyways, what do you think was your most unusual job? Frank: Me? I was asked to do 'special vehicle effects' in Cannonball Run 2 back in 1984... None of my 'special vocal effects' jobs in the 16 years since has topped that for strangeness. Crow: Now THAT'S weird. Frank: No kidding... I also provided Leonard Nimoy's screams in Star Trek 3 that same year. I still don't get why Nimoy coudn't do his own god damn screams... Good luck to him for his role in 'Atlantis'... Crow: And how about your weiredst TV job? Frank: The voice of Seaquest's Darwin, or rather its 'translator' thingy, wins hands down. Talking dolphins might make sense in light-hearted cartoons, like say, 'The Wild Thornberrys', but serious TV sci-fi?... What were they thinking? Never mind that 'translator' thingy, it's dumb anyway. Tom: One last question... What do you think of your profession? Frank: Well, I have total passion for the art of making animal noises, and when it comes to that I'm the best there is. No questions asked. Listen, I better get back to work now... I'm on my lunch break. Mike: Okay... Hope you come out with something real soon... (closes Hexfield) Tom: Wow, what a wild man... Crow: Yeah, he can do the voice of a jungle of animals... Mike: He'd be perfect for that 'Thornberrys' show he mentioned... Tom: God forbid, he's probably already done voices for that show... Mike: Anyways, let's check back with the Mads... (Forrester's using the Web, Frank's kicking a computer) Forrester: Lemme search... Hmm, 'Fanfic'... (Modem disconnection noise) Forrester: Dammit, it disconnected... I hate dialup!... (kicks computer) Oh, back already? I assume you 'enjoyed' it, huh? Mike: It was mildly interesting... a change from what we're used to. Frank: Really, I expected you to say it was... well, lame. Tom: Of *course* it was lame. Duh. Especially when you consider that the author makes the Rovers... Mike: Oh no, don't go there... Frank: What, look incompetent? Tom: Uh, yeah. Crow: But the real point is... what else were you expecting us to say? Forrester: Good point. I better get something better than AOL... anyways, till next week, guys... (Frank presses button) Thanks to: The WB for this mighty fine show. Greywolf Lupous for doing the fanfic. Jesse Shearer for help on the MSTing. Thanks for the radio references... Best Brains and Sci-Fi Channel for giving us the inspiration to MST. Stinger: >Muzzle weakly coughs up another white >hairball. Exile sits up, Muzzle looks up dazed.