Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: "Let's Hit The Road" By Varakorn Ungvichian (rover_wow@yahoo.com) This is my first MSTing. It's the first ep of the short-lived cartoon "Road Rovers" which for some is popular among furries and the MST3K community. I knocked off most of the riffs on the first day I did this, February 16, 2001. But since then, I revised it god knows how many times. And by the way Road Rovers is (C) 1996 Warner Brothers and MST3K is (C) 1989 Best Brains. Everything else is (C) whoever owns them. (Theme song, door sequence, all that stuff that opens an MST3K ep) Mike: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and we're discussing how the WB can improve its ratings. Tom: Show some football games! Everybody loves football games! Crow: Servo, that would be as effective as having Lance Ito host courtroom bloopers... How about making 'Buffy' topless? Rowr! Mike: Crow, we're not even in the theater and you're going lewd already. Tom: Well, how about new shows for the Saturday morning block? It's not like that timeslot has been doing well lately... Crow: Saaay, that wouldn't be such a bad idea... the WB sure needs something to displace Pokemon and their "animated drama series". Toons were made to be funny! Mike: How 'bout thinking up some shows? (gives Tom and Crow pen and paper) (Tom and Crow walk off with pen and paper) Mike: We'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) Mike: Tom, Crow, have you thought up any good shows? Tom: Two each. My first show involves a man and 2 robots, played by puppets, doing damage to lame scifi. Mike: Hmmm, not bad... Crow? Crow: My first focuses on a band of young babies trying to make sense of the world. Mike: Lemme guess, they talk between themselves but not to the grownups. Crow: How the heck did you figure that out?! Mike: Lucky guess. Tom? Tom: My second show is inspired by 'Cruel Intentions'. Now THAT would be a helluva show. Mike: Are you nuts, there's no way that's gonna get the green light... Crow: Besides, even if it did, it'd probably get canned before it'd debut... How about a show about superhero canines? These dogs walk biped, sport cool looking body armor, and have super powers that would put the X-Men to shame. Mike: Sorry kiddo, I think that's been done before... (Mike's suddenly interrupted by alarms) Mike: Oh look, Wakko and Yakko are calling. (presses button) (It's Dr. Forrester and Frank.) Forrester: Hello Nelson. I trust you're enjoying yourselves? Mike: Sure. Nothing new under the sun here. Forrester: Y'know, we were discussing how the WB could be improved. Mike: Hey, just like us! Frank: Yeah, a topless 'Buffy' really could help the network's prime time ratings... Forrester: Frank? Frank: Yes? Forrester: Shut the hell up. (back to Mike) Anyway, we were thinking that they should do a show about superpowered... wait for it... dogs. Crow: You read my mind there, just like Gordon Lightfoot. Forrester: Guess what? They've already done it, in a show called 'Road Rovers'. I guess Goldenrod here's described the show's plot to you. Mike: See, what did I tell ya? They've done it before. Crow: Alright, I admit, I purloined that off the web! Forrester: Anyway, we decided that it's your experiment this week. We're gonna give you hell!... Otherwise known as the premiere ep 'Let's Hit the Road', what a yucky pun there. Frank: It certainly can't be any good... it was canned after one season! Forrester: Frank, as they say on Downtown -- "Quit talkin' and start playin'". In other words -- send 'em the film... Frank (continuous): Look at 'Animaniacs', 'Histeria', 'Tinytoons'. Now that's what I call quality TV... Foorester: Ah, what the heck, I'll do it myself. (presses button) Crow: Downtown -- now THAT'S a good show... (Movie sign, traditional panic, door sequence, all enter the theater) Tom: It can't be that bad... it's WB, right? Mike: Anyone remember 'Generation O'? 'Detention'? Crow: Uhhh... no. Mike: Exactly my point. > Act 1 > > The episode starts out with two cars driving down a road going towards the Shepherd research > laboratory. The two cars park in different locations, one backing up to a building like a garage. Tom: 'Backing up like a garage'? Does that make sense? > Once > inside, we see a professor with a suitcase in his hand Mike (professor): Maui, here I come! > hiding in the shadows. The car that backed up > opens its back door and out comes a man with a helmet on, Tom (bank robber): FREEZE! > who's holding a cage with whimpering > sounds coming out of it. The professor identifies the dog as "Scout" Crow: Hey! No Sailor Moon here!... > and shows himself. The > professor, who is Shepherd, wants his dog back. The man, who is General Parvo, Mike: 'General Parvo'... sounds like something you get your cat shots for... (Indeed, the term parvo is used to refer to a feline disease.) > demands the > blueprints to the transdogmafier. Tom: The wha...? Something tells me this is a crappy sci-fi style transmogrification device... Mike: It is... just trust me on this. > The general's baddies load up the equipment and the general gets > his blueprints. After giving the key to Shepherd, he slides over the cage, saying: Crow (Parvo): Thank you. > > > Parvo: You have a very loyal dog. > > After they leave, Shepherd opens the cage only to find a bomb Tom: A copy of 'Ishtar'? Mike: Not that time of bomb... >about to explode. Crow: Now waaaait a minute, how could the cage have whimpering sounds if all it had was a bomb? Mike: Two words: 'tape recorder'. > He has no where to > run when the bomb explodes, and the laboratory submerges beneath the ground. > > One year later (that's seven in dog years) Crow: 'Dog Years'... isn't that the band Keanu Reeves was in? Mike: That's Dog *Star*, Crow. > > We're in Maine, Tom (a la tourism ad): Beautiful Sunny Maine. > where a dog named Fluffy Crow: (alarms) Warning! Lame dog name! Lame dog name! > is outside near a forest. He discovers a blinking light and > runs toward it. After he reaches his destination, apparantly the light opens even more, and in a flash, Tom: Hey! This is a family show! > it's supper time. Fluffy's owner is ready with supper, but when she opens the door, Mike: ...she gets the most disturbing version of Snoopy's 'Suppertime' dance. > she finds a human > sized growling tall dog-like man. > Owner: Fluffy?... You've gotten into somethin'. > > Fluffy growls some more as we change scenes to see a man with glowing eyes and long white hair, > who looks up. Tom: ....our butts as we're watching this. (Mike spit takes) > > > Man: It has begun. Crow (as the man, a la sports commentator): And we're under way here at > > Act 2 All: Electric Boogaloo! (*can't seem get enough of this joke*) > > We are in Siberia, where we see snow surrounding a group of dogs sleeping. A light shines on a > husky with a red collar and a grayish-bluish fur while sounds of dogs howling can be heard in the > background. > > > Master: Exile, you have been chosen. Tom (Ash): Use your thundershock attack! > > Exile howls into the night as we move on to London, near a port. A collie , also with a red collar, holds > a bone in her mouth that two other dogs want. When the other two dogs approach, we see the shadow Mike (creepy): Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Crow: 'The Shadow knows'. Yeah, I get it. > of the collie using her hind legs to block off the other two dogs. After being kicked around and beat, > the other two dogs run off, whimpering. The collie looks very tired, as a light shines on her with the > howling dogs sound in the back ground. > > > Master: Colleen, you have been chosen" > > The collie howls (after dropping the bone) Tom: Duh, like, you think she'd be able to without dropping the bone?... I didn't think so! > into the moon as we move on to Switzerland, Mike: Home of fine chocolate, watches... > where we see > a sheepdog also with a red collar asleep on the job. Mike: ...and rather generic sheepdogs. > When he hears his name called out, he wakes up > and hides, as the light shines on him. > > > Master: Shag, you have been chosen. Crow (Austin Powers): Yeah, baby! Others: Crow... > Shag: Ru? Ee? (points to himself) > Master: Yes, you. Now come. > > Shag starts to walk off, mumbling. (Tom makes Kenny-style mumbling) > > > Master: Shag, now! Crow (Austin): SURE! (Mike smacks himself in the head, then smacks Crow) > > Shag runs now as we switch to a German auto yard. A burglar is trying to start an engine as a > doberman, also with a red collar, stands in front of him, baring his teeth. At this instant, the dog > "wrestles" Tom (The Rock): The Rock is about to lay the SMACK down on your poo ass! > with the burglar inside the car, and we eventually see the burglar run out of the yard with > torn clothing and a frightful scream. All (singing 'Hush' from 'I Know What You Did Last Summer'): Daa dadadaa dadadaa dadadaa... Hush! Hush! > As the dog relaxes and sits down, the light shines on him. > > > Master: Blitz, you have been chosen. > > Blitz smiles, then runs toward the Untergrundbahn, Tom: Why couldn't he just use the word 'subway'? > howling into the night. We switch scenes again to > the City of Los Angeles Animal Control, Crow: What a dumb name for a city... > where two people walk to a cage holding two dogs, Mike: So this is what the Baha Men do with those dogs... > one of > them a rottweiler named Muzzle (All snicker) > and who's strapped up, and one of them a golden mutt with a red > collar and a tennis ball in his mouth. Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Histeria's Fetch. > The workers take out the dogs and lead them to a room with a > sign above it that says: > > > > DANGER Tom ('Lost in Space' robot): Will Robinson! > Authorized personnel only. > LETHAL GAS Mike: ...starring Mel Gibson. > > The two dogs, seeing this, start struggling and resisting, Crow (Borg): Resistance is futile... you will be gassed. > hoping to escape. The dog on the leash (with > the red collar) breaks free of the leash and runs away around the corner. The workers decide to catch > him later and get rid of Muzzle first. As the mutt watches, the light shines on him. > > > Master: Hunter, you have been chosen. Crow: Sounds like whoever wrote this show also wrote for Pokemon... > > Hunter watches on as Muzzle struggles not to enter. > > > Master: Flee, Hunter. Save yourself while you still can. Tom (Master): Run, Forrest, Run! > > Hunter spits out his tennis ball furiously, then charges toward the workers and his friends. He rams > the workers, who drop Muzzle, and Hunter leads Muzzle out of the building (but not without his > tennis ball, of course). The moon takes the scene as we hear dogs howling. The "camera" Crow: Do we HAVE to bear with his use of the word 'camera'? Others: Huh? (beat) Crow: You DO know that the camera doesn't move in animation... Tom: Well, he does put it in quotes... > leads us > down a vent that goes deep deep down into the ground. When it finally ends, we see some > see-through tubes leading into a structure that's a huge fire hydrant. Tom: The Eiffel Tower! > Inside that structure, Muzzle is > hopping around while each dog is inside a chamber. Mike: Waiting for their judgement... > Master: The time has come, Crow (Charles Dodgson aka Lewis Carroll): ...the Walrus said, to talk of many things... Mike: 'Of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings'. Crow: Whoa, you're a literature nut! Mike: Nah, I just happen to really like Alice in Wonderland. > my pets. The transdogmafier will change your pure canine forms > to a new species called cano-sapiens. > Mike: See? Told ya it was a transmogrification device. > Each of the dogs are transformed into dogs that stand up and with a silver armor around their body > (except for tails Crow: Hey, no 'Sonic' here... please? > and head). > > > Exile: This is how we say in Siberia. Totally neato! Tom: Translation? Loads of crap. > Blitz: Oh, look at me! I'm so handsome, I could kiss myself! In fact, I think I will. (starts kissing > himself) Mike: Now there's an image I'd rather live without. > Colleen: Well I'm not so crazy about the color but I absobloomilootely Tom: What kind of word is that?! > love the boots. > Shag: Ruh? (he changes into a shaggy dog with no armor) (Crow raps Shaggy's 'Bombastic') > Hunter: I would not have predicted this. No way! > RR (Road Rovers): AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! All (a la Baha Men): Who let the dogs out?! Woof woof woof woof... > > The Master appears in a doorway. He tells the Rovers that they'll be sent on a vital mission. > (All switch to doing the Mission Impossible theme) > > RR: Yes sir! > Master: But first, I want you to greet the members of your pack. > RR: Yes sir! > > The Rovers kneel down, greet each other, and wag their tails Mike: Hey, since when was Robert De Niro in this? > (except Blitz because he doesn't have > one). Crow: I've heard of a *cat* with no tail but a dog? Weird... > The Master sighs. > > > Master: Perhaps I should have considered cats. Tom (Master): ...except that they're all PUSSIES! Get it, pussies? Mike: Yeah, got it. > AHEM! > > The Rovers stand up again. > > > RR: Yes sir! > Master: You have all been chosen for your special skills. Hunter, for his super speed. Tom: So he was doing drugs? That explains the gassing... > > Hunter, obsessed with his tennis ball, Crow: ...which he caught from Anna Kournikova... > throws it across the room then chases after it, running with a > flame behind him, Mike: Please, can they NOT rip off the Road Runner here? > then catching it almost as fast as he threw it. > > > Hunter: You're out! > Master: Blitz, the doberman, for his powerful jaw. > > Blitz has a sub sandwich in his hand, and he scarfs it down using > his super sharp teeth. Mike (Little Red Riding Hood style): My, what big teeth you have. > > > Master: Colleen, the collie, (All snicker) > for her cunning and agility. > Blitz: (walks to where Colleen is) Hello there, pretty dog girl. > Colleen: (kicks Blitz away on accident while practicing her skills) Oh, dreadfully sorry. Tom: Hey Colleen! What'd you do, grow up on 'Charlie's Angels' reruns? > Master: Exile, the husky, for his strength and vision. Mike: Suddenly, it's bad political propaganda. > Exile: (lifts up big machinery and spots Shag cowarding behind it) I can see you! > Master: And Shag, the sheepdog, for his incredible bravery. > Shag: (still cowardly) Ruh? Crow (Hunter): 'Incredible bravery'? Even *Antoine* is braver than he is! (Referring to the French-accented Sonic character.) > Master: Well, I got four out of five right, so sue me. > Colleen: Aw, poor fella. He hasn't become very human, has he? > > Shag digs into his thick fur and takes out a hamburger. Mike (nasally): You want fries with dat?! > He chews on it as Muzzle hops by next to > Hunter. > > > Hunter: Hey, don't sweat it, Shag, Muzzle hasn't become human at all. (pets Muzzle) Aw, isn't > that right, Muzzle, yeah, you're crazy, Crow (singing like Britney Spears): CRAAAA-zy! > aren't ya, yeah, okay, bub-bye. (Muzzle hops away) (to > Colleen) Buddy of mine. Crow (switching to Guns and Roses): OHHHHHHH, sweet buddy of mine!! > Colleen: Cool, don't you have the most interesting friends. > Hunter: Yeah, I know, I'm just lucky that way. Tom: Oh great, suddenly he's Britney Spears... > > We switch scenes to what apparantly is a briefing room, Mike (John Forsythe aka Charlie): Good morning, Angels. All (like in 'Charlie's Angels'): Good morning, Charlie. > where the Rovers sit in a circular table facing > a large screen. Crow (Hunter): Do we get 500 channels on this? > > > Master: Road Rovers, here's your first assignment. Yesterday, in Camdon, Maine, a cocker > spaniel turned into this. > > The screen shows the head of the cocker spaniel as a growling monster. Shag leaps into Hunter's > arms. > > > Master: A few hours later, in the same town, this is what happened to a dalmation. > > The monitor reveals a dalmation Mike: It's Oddball. > who has driven the firemen out of the fire station with a hose. He > roars like the cocker spaniel. Then the next picture is of both of the mutants in the street, roaring to > scare away everybody. Tom (as dogs): WHAZZZUP!!! > > > Hunter: (Shag is in his seat now as Muzzle hops around behind them) Wow, who's cleaning up > after them? > Blitz: I would find great enjoyment biting them on the tushie. Crow (Blitz): Or kicking 'em there, too... > Exile: Don't be a weird boy. > Master: This morning, those two commandered a freight train carrying an experimental gene > splicing device called the molecular stabalizer. In the wrong hands, this could be a dangerous > weapon. Tom: Yes, genetic engineering can sure be a pain in the butt... > (rises on a platform) These monsters must be stopped. (the Rovers line up before him) > So Rovers, do you understand your mission? > RR: Yes sir! > Master: Do you realize you will face great danger? > RR: Yes sir! > Master: Do you realize that some of you may not return alive? > RR: Uh... > Hunter: Come again? > Master: Some of you may perish. > Colleen: Perish? > Hunter: Whoa, as in perish? Ah, check please! All: (rather forced laughter) > > The Rovers dash off towards the doorway but in the process of getting out, all of them get stuck. > > Master: I definitely should have considered cats. Mike: Yeah, these dogs are even more PUSSY. Tom: Mike... no more joke stealing during this, OK? > > Act 3 > > Master: Rovers! Report to the launch area! Tom (Random Rover): We ain't hungry... Mike: It's 'launch' not 'lunch'. See? > Blitz: But wait a minute! Crow (Aaron Carter): That sounds so soft. That won't impress a hot chick like Lara Croft. (from his song 'Leave It Up To Me', from the soundtrack of 'Jimmy Neutron') > If we're putting out lives on the line, what's in it for us? Mike: Sounds like something you'd hear on 'Mod Squad'. Tom: All we need is Claire Danes and it'd be perfect. > Master: For your services, I will give each of you three meals a day, a weekly bath, and a carpet by > the fire where you can sleep. Do we have a deal? > > The Rovers huddle together to duscuss it. Finally, Hunter begins to step forwardd, but Blitz steps in > front of him. > > > Blitz: Carpet by the fire? Change it to a sofa. > Master: You will stay off the sofa! > Blitz: (cowers behind Exile) Okay, okay, off of the sofa, ya, the carpet's fine, alright. > Master: And, if you succeed, I will do my best to find each of you a home. Tom (singing): A brain... Crow (ditto): A nerve! All (ditto): We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz! > RR: Aaahhhh... > Hunter: It's a deal! Tom + Crow (rest of them, dumb): Duh, okay! > (to the rest of the Rovers) We're off! > > The Rovers run off to the launch area. Tom: They're hungry. Mike: Again, it's 'launch' not 'lunch'... Tom: I mean for some action! Jeez... > There, the Sky Rover is set down and the Street Rover is > raised on a platform. > Hunter: Exile, Blitz, Shag, take the Sky Rover. Crow: How the hell would they know the vehicles' names? Tom: Like the song says: 'It's just a show, and you should just relax.' Mike: Tom, 4th wall violation... > Exile: You betcha, comrade. > Blitz: (pushing Shag towards the jet) Come on, mop(?) boy! Tom (black janitor in Back to the Future): I'm going to night school... I'm gonna be somebody! > Hunter: (to Colleen) Colleen, we'll take the Street Rover. > Colleen: Roger, Hunter. (All do that sequence from 'Airplane!' in which 2 guys named Roger and Over confuse radio orders with their names) > > Hunter opens the door to the Street Rover. Colleen climbs in as Muzzle hops by. > > > Hunter: Muzzle, you hold down the fort. (Muzzle begins to whimper) Hey, don't worry pal, > we'll be back. (Muzzle still looks unsure as Hunter enters the car) > Exile: (inside the Sky Rover, to Blitz and Shag) Uh, you knowing how to fly this thing? Tom: Oh great, now he's Baboon... > Blitz: Not a clue. > Exile: Heh heh, me neither. Oh boy, this is going to be funski! Mike: '-ski'? The next thing we know, he'll be serving borscht. Crow: Could be worse, Mike. He might soon be touting the benefits of vodka. Mike: Drunk canines. Now that would be interesting. > Shag: (covers his head in protection and whimpers) > Colleen: (in the Street Rover, as Hunter buckles up) Right. All buckled up. Tom: As that has already been established. > Hunter: Then let's hit the road, Crow (singing): ...Jack, and never come back, no more, no more, no more, no more... > Rovers! > > Hunter steps on the pedal, but the car doesn't move. > > > Hunter: Hey, what gives? It's not moving. (scratches his head) Mike: Lemme guess, the ignition key! > Colleen: You, uh, have to turn the ignition key. > Hunter: Oh, right, duh. (turns the engine on) Let's hit the road, Rovers! > > Hunter drives the Street Rover through a "doggie" door and into a tunnel. The Sky Rover starts its > propellers and flies through an opening in the top of the ceiling. The Master watches them go, > thinking to himself. > > > Master: I should have scotch guarded in the seat covers. Tom (Master): Screw that cheapskate Clinton. > > An outside view of mountains is disrupted by an uncontrolled flying Sky Rover, with Exile as the > pilot. All (singing): I'm looking for the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life... Looking for something to help me burn out bright... Mike: Just be glad it ain't Jack Riley flying a glider. (ref to a sequence in 'The Rugrats Movie' where Riley's character does this really haphazardly) > > > Exile: Yippee keeyo keeyef! Crow: I hope this doesn't turn into an *NSYNC video... > > At that instant, a small part of the ground opens, Tom: ...and there goes the car! > and out rolls the Street Rover, where Hunter is > driving. He finds the road and roughly gets on it, his tongue in the wind. Mike: Suddenly, chased by papparazzi, he crashes in a tunnel. > > > Hunter: So, how do you like my driving? Crow: Call 1-800-EAT... (Mike glances warning) Crow: CRAP. (to Mike) Jeez, Mike! > Colleen: Let me put it this way. I hope the airbags work! > Hunter: Aw, thanks. That's nice. > Colleen: (spots a small red button) Hello, what have we here? Tom (Dexter): Don't push dat button, I don't know vat it... > > As Colleen pushes the button, she and Hunter exchange glances as we see the exterior of the vehicle. > The Street Rover suddenly moves very fast, in a "warp" move. Tom: ...does. (Others do the 'Star Wars' theme) > > > Hunter: Too cool! Crow: How about 'too cheesy'? > > In a new scene, the train comes by with the mutants at the controls. The Sky Rover flies above it. > > > Blitz: Don't be slow-poking, Exile! Schnail(?)! Faster! > Exile: Bulshoi! Tom: Husky, you better watch your language there! > Everybody's always rushing me. > > As the Sky Rover gets into the view of the mutants, the cocker takes out a gun and blasts one of their > propellers out. Crow: LOADS of innuendo there... > The people inside the jet start to panic. > > > Exile (holding a communicator device) April day! April day! We're going down! > Blitz: Don't you mean May day? > Exile: May, June, July, who cares? We're in deep doggie donuts! > > Still struggling with the controls, Exile manages to safely put the Sky Rover on top of the train. Crow: And now they're gonna run on the train... just like in an *NSYNC video! AAAH! Mike: At least you should be grateful they're not popping out of doll boxes... Tom: Yeah, that would be pansy... > The > Street Rover comes next to the train now, with Colleen at the wheel and Hunter ready to jump onto > the train and inside the first car where the mutants are. He does this with success, and, after jumping > in, grabs the molecular stabalizer. > > Mike: That easy, huh? > Hunter:Wow, you two look much bigger on TV. > > Saying this, Hunter runs out of the cart Tom: Talk about supermarket rage... > as the mutants roar and chase him. While all this is happening, > the Street Rover is about to come up to a very curvy road. Colleen misses a curve and goes off the > road and on top of the train. As she makes sighs of relief, the air bags pop out. > > > Colleen: Oh super, the air bags do work. Tom: Excuse me if I'm wrong, but don't air bags pop out when there's impact to the FRONT of the car? Mike (after a pause): ...Good point. > > Hunter still has the device in his hands, but the mutants aren't too happy about it. They chase him, and > the dalmation holds a laser gun which he shoots into the "camera". Crow: Again with the C-word. > At this moment, the Master > identifies who made the monsters. > > > Master: I know you're out there. Mike: (whistles X-Files theme) > I know you created these monsters. I know it's you, Parvo. > Parvo: (in his ship) (holding a poodle) I understand dogs. I understand their qualities, their > strength, their loyalty, canine loyalty. Control that, and you can control the world! Crow: What did he do, grow up with bad sci-fi films? > > Parvo walks up to a big hunk of machinery, Tom: Since when was Tim Allen in this? > where the Groomer has it ready. Parvo is happy, and > places the poodle inside a half cut cage. After the Groomer makes a few adjustments, the cage enters > the chamber. We see the poodle shocked by a bright light and some gas that makes the poodle grow > bigger. As the transformation continues, Parvo rants Mike: ... on the newsgroups of course... > about how it took a solid year to get the > cano-mutator into operation. Tom: Blah blah blah blah blah. Get on with the plot already! > The door to the end of the transformation process opens, and the > mutated poodle emerges, angry and roaring. The baddies are amazed at this creature, but the poodle > shrinks to its normal size again. > > > Parvo: ...unreliable. Tom (Parvo): At least it's one step up from 'totally kaput'. > Get rid of him. Argh! (starts walking toward a window) Mike: Lemme guess... he jumps out of it. > I need that > molecular stablizer to make the effect last. Then I'll create an entire army of soldiers, > cano-mutants, powerful, vicious! And above all, permanently loyal to me. Soon, all will call me > Master! (the train horn sounds as we see it coming closer to a rocky mountain with "eyes") Crow: The mountains have eyes and the rivers have ears... Nah, didn't work. > Groomer, what's the good word? Mike: That of the lord. Crow: I didn't know you were religious. Mike: I'm not. > Groomer: The train is coming, General. > Parvo: Ah, at last. > Groomer: (now we see a view from one of the eyes, with Groomer holding a pair of binoculars) > And there's a slight problem. Crow (Tom Hanks): Houston, we have a slight problem. > Parvo: (takes binoculars, spots Hunter with the stabalizer) No. This can't be. More > cano-sapiens. Only one other person knew the technology and he's long gone! Or is he? > > Hunter, still holding the stabalizer, dashes and hides behind the Street Rover (even though the > mutants are coming up on him). Mike: Did we just switch to the Super Bowl or something? > It looks as if they're going to get him, but here comes Colleen to the > rescue! > > > Colleen: Hiya, Akita! (with every phrase is a punch or a kick) Shar pei! Shih Tsu! Heel! Rin... > tin... tin... Sit down. Roll over. Play dead. (During above sequence) Crow (singing): If at first you don't succeed... You can dust it off and try again, you can dust it off and try again, try again... ("Try Again", by the late Aaliyah, from her first and next-to-last film, Romeo Must Die.) > Ay yi yi yi yi! Tom: Hey, this ain't Power Rangers. > (the cocker spaniel she attacks falls > over, barely concious) Mike (Drew Barrymore from "Charlie's Angels"): And that's kickin' your ass! > Hunter: Was the 'ay yi yi yi' part from karate? > Colleen: No, from Baney Harter(?) (don't know what she said). Tom: (a few bars of the Barney Miller theme, then) Barney Harter. Coming up next on TV Land. > > While the cocker was busy, the dalmation trapped Shag next to the Sky Rover. Crow: OOH... double double-entendres! (Mike smacks Crow) > Shag is terrified at > what the dalmation might do to him. As if reading his mind, Tom: There better not be a Gordon Lightfoot song here!... > Blitz shows off what he can do. Mike (warning Crow): Not a word! > > > Blitz: Let the biting begin! (chomps his teeth a few times) > > As Blitz is about to make his strike, the dalmation simply kicks him out of the way. Blitz is thrown > over the side of the train, but holds on by grabbing hold of a ladder. Crow: And suddenly, he's Tom Cruise. > Inside the Street Rover, Hunter > and Shag talk to the Master. > > > Hunter: (holding the communicator) We have the box with that molecular gizmo now, Master. > Master: Good dogs. Crow: Sounds like an oxymoron... > (Shag opens the box to reveal a purple-ish cylinder) > Hunter: Yeah, but out friends here aren't too happy about it. What do you want us to do? > Master: Listen carefully. Mike (Rugrats' Chuckie): Already, I don't think this is such a good idea...! > > Blitz: (still hanging on to the ladder) (All do Mission Impossible theme again) > Ahh! I am too young to die! And far too pretty! (the > mutants are above his location ready to jump on him) > Exile: Freeze! > > Exile and Colleen are ready to fight. Mike: If they ripoff 'Charlie's Angels' one more time, I'm gonna scream... > But Exile uses his eyes to project an ice cube around the mutants. Crow (the other mutants): Hey, no fair! > The mutants (whose heads weren't in an ice cube) roar in fury. Exile is very pleased. > > > Exile: I love being Road Rover! > Colleen: I didn't know you could do that! Tom: Convenient deus ex machina. Works every time. > Exile: Me neither. Must have contracted it during Cold War. Crow (Exile, like a sports manager): It'll be free agent in summer. > Blitz: (climbs up the ladder and stands next to the frozen mutants) You are both lucky > sniffies(?) that I didn't bite you repeatedly! Mike: Hey, this isn't 'Blade', you know. > (the mutants break free of the ice and the cocker > grabs Blitz and raises him in the air, ready to throw him off) Ahh! I was just joking with you! > Hunter: Put him down! Crow (mutant): SURE! *whoosh* > > The mutants turn their heads to see the rest of the Rovers ready to fight, Shag holding the red box. > > > Hunter: This (pointing to the red box) is what you want! > Colleen: No, Hunter, don't give it to them! > Blitz: (holding his hands together) Give it to them! Give it to them! > Hunter: I don't think we have a choice. Shag? Crow: Why of course! (Mike slams Crow) > > Shag tosses the box to the mutants as the cocker drops Blitz. Mike: Off the train. *wham* > After securing the box, the two mutants > jump off the train. > > > Colleen: (sighs) We've let the master down. > Hunter: Not really. (Shag opens another similar red box and shows Crow: Lemme guess. The cylinder. > the purple-ish cylinder) Crow: Mmhmm. > Colleen: Hello. If we have the molecular stabalizer, what did you give them? Tom (Hunter): An Eminem CD. Heh-heh. > Hunter: A little present for their leader. > > In a new scene, we see the mutants "cheering" for their master as his ship, which is shaped like a dog, (All snicker one more time) > breaks free from their rock mountain hiding place. As they start to leave, Parvo has the box in his > hand, sits down, and opens the box. Mike (Parvo): Let's see what I got for Christmas... > > > Parvo: Ah, it's ours at last. Now my cano-mutants will rule! > > Parvo opens the box, but instead of what he wanted, it's what he doesn't want. Tom (Parvo): Oh crap. I was expecting a Backstreet Boys album... > The box's contents are > a gray cylinder attached to a small box with a counter that starts at 10. The countdown is of seconds, > and Parvo is furious because he knows who set this up. Mike (a la villain on MacGyver): Mac-GYVER! > > > Master: (a recorded voice) Parvo, every dog has his day. Mike: What if this it?... Where does that leave you... at NIGHT? (I've seen an ad for 'Courage, the Cowardly Dog' which has this monologue) > Parvo: (looks at "camera") Crow: AGAIN with the C-word! Mike: Enough with the wording nitpicking!... > I'm having one of those funny dejavu feelings. Mike: This is what you get from ranting on USENET too much. > > At this moment, the bomb's timer is up, so it explodes, disabling the engines and crashing the ship to > where the Rovers can see. Tom: Sounds like what'd you see in a cop film. > > > Hunter: To the power of the pack! > RR: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Mike: Time to whip out that Baha Men song again! All (a la Baha Men): Who let the dogs out?! Woof woof woof woof... > > The cano-mutants, near the site of the crash, suddenly shrink to their normal size, happy and well. In > the smoke, a door blsts open as a furious Parvo escapes with Groomer right behind him. > > > Parvo: They think they've won. But from the ashes, I will rise again! Mike (southern accent): The south will rise again! > Master: (in a new scene) Ahh, I'm glad I went with dogs afterall. (after some time, inside the > base, the Road Rovers are lined up, looking up to the Master) You've done well, Rovers. You're > good, good dogs. You'll be called agan to serve, Mike (random Rover): Hey! We aren't butlers you know. > but until then, enjoy you're new homes as the > pets of world leaders. Exile in Russia, Tom: Sounds like a documentary. > Colleen in England, Shag in Switzerland, Crow: You know, that phrase gives me bizarre images... > Blitz in > Germany, and Hunter in the White House, but always remember that deep inside every dog Tom (Master): Groucho says it's impossible to read. > is a > Road Rover. > > Since all of the RR are in new homes, Muzzle is left alone with an image of Hunter winking at Muzzle > at the last minute. Muzzle misses his pal. The Master is behind him. > > > Master: Now, as for you... how would you like to stay here with me, keep me company? > (Muzzle jumps up happily and excited, as the Master pets Muzzle) You would? That's great. > (the two head toward the bright room that the Master always stays in) Welcome home, Scout. > Welcome home. Tom: ...to more of the same old crap. > > The door closes, and thus ends our first episode. Mike: And thus ends our ordeal. (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: Well, what did you think?... Crow: It wasn't half bad... At least we got some good humor. Tom: Yeah, but still, it felt a bit cliched. (pause) Y'know I've heard from the USENET that series creator Tom Ruegger plans to revive the show on Disney. Mike: Well, I have just the man to confirm or deny those rumors... the man himself. (Hexfield: Tom Ruegger) Mike: Let's get to business... I've heard from the 'net that you've been planning for the Rovers to be revived on Disney... What's your view on this? Ruegger: The Rovers on the mouse? You've *got* to be kidding. Mike: That would be a 'no'? Ruegger: I couldn't just hand over the whole franchise and work for the competition. That would be just stupid. Tom: So you see Disney as competition, eh? Ruegger: Disney makes toons for Saturday morn. WB makes toons for Saturday morn. You figure it out, Chester. Crow: Speaking of which, you've been working for the WB for almost a full decade now... You've churned out stuff like 'Road Rovers', 'Tinytoon Adventures', 'Animaniacs', heck a whole lot of stuff. What's your opinion on WB now going dramatic with their animation? Ruegger: Sucks. I mean, we got better ratings than 'Superman' and we got canned. And what happens? The Supe gets another season and replacement 'Calamity Jane' gets canned after just 3 eps. And before you know it (snaps finger) suddenly there are almost no comedy series during WB's Saturday morn. It's just awful... Crow: Now we know what the 'O' in 'Generation O' is for... 'Oh my god'. Ruegger: But, the WB is still getting places with those animated dramas. Look at 'Batman Beyond' and 'X-Men Evolution', I think they're doing well. Still, the fact that you can now hardly find anything to laugh about in the Saturday morning block makes me wanna send the executives to (like the teacher on 'Detention') detennnnn-tion! Tom: I've heard that mockery is the greatest form of flattery. Did you know that the show has been referenced to on 'The Simpsons'? Ruegger: Yeah, I saw that episode, something about Mulder and Scully visiting Springfield... though it's just some guy turning into Shag, I'm delighted that 'The Simpsons' has given the show a little 'flattery'... Look guys, I better get back to work... Mike: OK, thank you for your precious time... (Closes Hexfield) Tom: Man, that Ruegger guy is one big mother... Crow (Shaft theme): Shut your mouth... Mike: Enough with the 'Shaft' line, guys, I still think that the WB still has potential to be a good network... (turns to Cambot) What do you think guys? (Back to Dr. Forrester and Frank) Frank (lisping): Only when 'Buffy' gets topless! Forrester: Shut the hell up... (to Mike) Of course it has good potential... when the network gets a program manager who actually CARES... Anyways, till next week... Frank? Frank: Or maybe moving 'Mission Hill' to Saturday mornings... (pushes button) (closing creds) Thanks to: Tom Ruegger and the WB for making this middlingly decent cartoon. Best Brains and Sci-Fi Channel for giving us the inspiration to MST. Tirran and Jim Whaley for giving me encouragement to MST. Jennifer Wu for transcribing this ep. BTW I've been told that Colleen said Benihana in that karate sequence... but I'll just leave the transcript the way I found it... Stinger: > Colleen: No, from Baney Harter(?) (don't know what she said).