Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: "A Hair of the Dog that Bit You" By Varakorn Ungvichian (rover_wow@yahoo.com) Don't ask why many of the MSTings I've done are Road Rovers related. I'm just a major-league Road Rover fan, OK? And by the way Road Rovers is (C) 1996 Warner Brothers and MST3K is (C) 1989 Best Brains. Everything else is (C) whoever owns them. (Theme song, door sequence, all that stuff that opens an MST3K ep) (We open with Mike on the 'net and Tom peeks over) Tom: Hmm, the Late Show with David Letterman website... that gives me an idea! (Hovers off) Mike: "Forget the tribe. My pants have spoken." (The Late Show had a Top Ten list involving the Survivor Australia contestants... this was one of the entries) (Mike laughs so hard, he falls off his chair) Mike (getting back up): We'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (We open with the Late Show theme, and the SoL's decorated a la Late Show) Tom (with Letterman hairpiece): Now from the home office in the Satellite of Love, here's the Top Ten List! (Top Ten List music) Today's topic: Why Road Rovers Got Canned After Just One Season. Crow (as a "guest"): Now that's gotta be interesting Tom: Number 10, President Clinton called it "predictable". Mike (also a "guest"): This guy doesn't even know plumbing for pete's sake. Tom: Number 9, George W. Bush actually agrees with Clinton on that. Crow: Now that says a lot. Tom: Number 8, John Rocker can't think of enough insults for this show. Mike: Well, he could say this... "We've got so much damn foreigners, now we're making them the main characters of a TV cartoon?! What the hell are you thinkin'?" Tom: Number 7, less nudity than "Showgirls". Crow: Ah, now that's something that'll get people up in the morning... Tom: No wait, that's why "Coyote Ugly" failed. (laughtrack) Tom: Number 6, you've seen more violence in 2 minutes of Jerry Springer. And number 5, the Spice Girls felt insulted by this show. Crow: And yet, they would end up liking the Rugrats... Can't understand that. Mike: Hey, it's a matter of taste, isn't it? Tom: Number 4, guys who wanted to watch canines attack humans would rather watch "When Animals Attack". Mike: Yeah, and look at how that show's going... Tom: Number 3, watching Fabio getting hit by a goose is more entertaining than this bunch of crap. And number 2, forget Parvo, how about Dennis Rodman? Mike: I'd sure like to see him fight Colleen... Tom: Number 1, that little dancing frog does better. Even when the frog's in front of a crowd. (As he says that, his hairpiece falls off) Mike + Crow: You said it. (That last entry refers to the WB's frog mascot. He was in one of those Looney Tunes shorts, and in it he danced and sung... except when he was in front of a crowd.) (Alarms.) Tom: And now, Paul Schaffer. (It's Dr. Forrester and Frank. As usual.) Frank: Paul Shaffer, now HE'S funny. Forrester: How's our guinea pig doing? Mike: Just normal, so how are YOU doing? Frank: Right now, we're doing fine. We've searched high and low for fanfics... Forrester: And I decided that the only way we're gonna wear you down is by giving you another Rovers turd for your viewing displeasure. Frank: It's "A Hair of the Dog that Bit You" and involves werewolves, Stonehenge and cheese weiners. Surely these don't mix well... Forrester: Just send them the damn film... Frank: OK, you're the boss... Tom (Letterman): Oh my, we're gonna have some fun now. (Movie sign, traditional panic, door sequence, all enter the theater) Mike: Geez, how much Rovers can we take? Tom: It's gonna take a really lame episode to wear us down... Crow: Whatever, let's just get it on... >Act 1 > >missing scene Tom: Ugh, something that was too lame even for this show... >We begin in London, the Thames. (All do the classic "Thames Television" theme... if you've ever seen any British shows, you've probably heard this music.) >A boat is seen in the foreground between >the docks. Big Ben is in the background. The screen cuts to a tourist's >video recording, which is focused on Big Ben with the REC indicator on the >top left. > > Tourist: And over here is Big ol' Ben! Whoo-whee! Heh heh. That's > a big clock! Bet it takes a humongous batter. Tom: Ken Griffey Jr.? > Quadruple-E. Crow: EEEE... sounds like the reaction of the viewers to this kind of stuff. > Hahahahahaha ya, ya know what, it takes a lickin' and keeps on a > tickin', hahahaha. Mike: Oh, just shut the hell up! > (werewolves get into the camera shot, staring > and growling, slowly approaching) Hey you, scat dogs! You-you're > ruinin' my home video! Tom (tourist): Wait till Bob Saget sees this! > Heh heh heh, wait'll Saget sees this, heh > heh. AH!! Tom: Hey! Crow: Why is it that someone *always* steals our lines every time we watch something? > >Still around Big Ben, the wolves run around in packs, terrorizing the >people who run screaming. They suddenly stop to the Road Rovers blocking >their way (Hunter, Colleen, and Exile). > > Hunter: (spits out tennis ball already in mouth) Bad dogs. Bad, > bad dogs! Crow: Time out... why would the mixed breed stuff a ball in his mouth, just so he could spit it out? Tom: Old habits die hard, buddy... > >The wolves position themselves for a fight, as do the Rovers. But then >Hunter whistles and behind them Shag is driving (badly) a double decked bus >with Blitz beside him, scared of Shag's driving. Tom: It's suddenly a drivers-ed film... > > Hunter: Rovers, let's roll! > Blitz: Is time for the gnashing of tooshies! > Exile Don't be a weird boy. > >The bus chases the wolves some more. Two climb crates and jump on to the >top of the bus behind Colleen and Exile. > > Exile: Colleen, I am close relative to wolf. Let me talk to them > in their native tongue. > Colleen: Be my guest, Exile. > Exile: (dog jibberish) (wolf tears a seat) All (Jerry Springer crowd): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! > They're definitely not > from around this neighborhood. > Colleen: Maybe they're French. Tom: They must be Coneheads, then. (I remember that in the film "Coneheads", there's a line where one of the 'heads says "We're French") > > >More chasing. Shag is afraid of running over some wolves so he swerves >sharply, making the bus turn on its side to a screeching halt. The Rovers >jump out of the bus. > > Blitz: You are the worst driver in the world! > Shag: Ree? > >The wolves have the Rovers and the bus surrounded. Tom: Ooh, just like in The World's Wildest Police Chases... > > Colleen: If you don't mind, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend. Crow: David Beckham? Mike: Alright, who's David Beckham? Crow: Victoria Spice's husband. Mike: Hold it. You're comparing her to a *Spice Girl* now? Crow: Why not? She's got spice. Mike: Point taken. > (pulls out a type of launcher) We're going steady. (fires a > sponge and hits directly) > Hunter: (readies another weapon) Maybe they'd like to play a game > of catch. > Colleen: I don't get it. What are you going to do with that? > (Hunter fires and hits, the tennis ball explodes) NOW I get it. > Hunter: (holds a drool-covered tennis ball) Wanna try one? > Colleen: Un, maybe later. In my next lifetime. > Hunter: Cool, call me. > >Some wolves close in on Blitz. (missing quote) Tom: Maybe he said the F-word? >Blitz readies a launcher and >fires a tooshie-biting steel ball. Tom: Which somehow hits Gary Sinise. (He was supposed to get rolled over by a much larger one in "Snake Eyes" but that didn't pan out with test audiences*) >The wolves duck as the ball bites >through a lamp post. Shag is now seen cowering with Hunter nearby. > > Hunter: You can do this, Shag. You just need courage. You need > strength. And most of all, you need our brand new Road Rover > missile launcher! It's FUN! Mike: He's Laura Linney all of a sudden. (Wife in "The Truman Show") > Shag: (fires launcher backwards into an empty building) Tom: I've heard of urban renewal, but this is ridiculous! > (explosion) > Hunter: Shag, we've definitely gotta get you a refresher course > on the launcher. > Shag: Rorrer > Colleen: Hiyah, Madonna! Crow: Uh, girl? You better not suddenly break out into a rendition of "Music". > >Colleen and Exile fight the wolves hand to hand, evenly matched, and not >going unscratched. A wolf knocks Colleen down and slobbers all over her. > > Colleen: Eew, gross! Blimey! Do you know how much trouble I go > through everyday to look this way? Crow: See, told you she's like a Spice Girl. > >A few more skirmishes, then Exile uses his heat vision on the wolves. The >wolves runaway. Mike: To pick on A Flock of Seagulls. > > Colleen: Tata! Don't bother to write! > Hunter: Whoa, Exile! When did you learn how to do that? > Exile: On cold Siberian nights. Mike: Sounds like a new Alan Bates miniseries. (Bates was the storyteller in "Arabian Nights", an NBC miniseries.) > It comes in handy. > Colleen: Ow, that bungle tuckered my bones a bit now. > Hunter: Yeah, what she said. > Exile: I am not feeling not so hot myself. > Hunter: Let's head home, Rovers. (showing the place in a wreck) > Our job here is done. > Mike: But not ours, we still got a while to go. >Now we are at Road Rovers Mission Control. > > Master: This is troubling Rovers. First the reports of those > roaming wolfpacks, then the disappearance of the royal family, > and now this? > Colleen: (checking Exile) Does this hurt? > Exile: Nyet. > Colleen: Does this hurt? > Exile: Nyet. > Colleen: Does this hurt? > Exile: Yaaah! Daa! DAH! Crow: Well, the writers certainly got the Russian down pat. > Colleen: I found out what hurts! I also found this. (holds up a > piece of gray fur) > Exile: Must be from those wolves with lips that foam. > Colleen: Might be. We should get it tested. > Hunter: (grabs fur) Right. We'll run it though the world's most > advanced state of the art DNA analyzer. (goes through doors) Tom: 2 ROM chips says it'll be a dog... Crow: I'll raise it 4 that it'll be a bloodhound. > Hubert: (sniffing fur) Where did you find this, Hunter? Tom: HAH! 2 ROM chips to me. Crow: He hasn't told his breed yet... > Hunter: It's something we picked up in London, Professor Huber. > Can you get a fix on it? > Hubert: Certainly, my boy. I'm a bloodhound, posessing the > world's most sensitive canine nose. Crow: Hah, now gimme those chips. Tom: Fine... > (sniffs Shag) And you've had > garlic! > Shag: Mueeh? > Hubert: (spraying Shag) With anchovies. > Shag: Rah! (pulls out and eats a pizza) > Hunter: (going through another set of doors) So will your > analysis take long? > Hubert: (climbs a tall ladder to the top of a filing system) To > do this right, I'll need to compare this sample to the scent of > every creature on the planet. I'll have the results for you by > morning. *sniff sniff* Aardvark? No. *sniff sniff* Alligator? No. > *sniff sniff* Anaconda? No. *sniff sniff* Mike: With that system, I'm surprised he hasn't blown out his nostrils already. > Colleen: The morning of June 11, 2870. Tom: Hey, that's when I'm supposed to get a check up. > >In the night, Shag sleeps on the carpet in the ground of his room. He gets >up to the howling of dogs and sleeps walk to the refrigerator. Upon opening >the fridge, heavenly light and sound effect is heard. Shag pulls up a chair >and sits in front of the fridge, piling on plates of apples on top of >turkey legs, eats some bites, pulls out ham, then hot dog. Crow: If this ain't a Dagwood Bumstead rip-off, I don't know what is... >As he puts >mustard on the hot dog, Shag hears some growling. Shag looks behind him and >sees red eyes, sharp claws, and a werewolf! In panic, Shag shoves the hot >dog and mustard at the werewolf and runs. Crow: Of course you're supposed to run. Duh! Mike: Don't sweat it, we've still got 2/3 to go... > >Act II > >The pursuit continues. Shag runs and thinks he's safe, gasping for breath. >Suddenly drool fall on him. Looking up, he sees the werewolf, who tears >apart the barrier and chases Shag some more. Mike: Enough with the endless chases already! >At a fork of the complex, Shag >runs one way while the werewolf looks the other, where steam is coming out >of closed doors. Blitz is in the bathroom looking in a mirror. > > Blitz: Ah, Blitz, you are so handsome. I could look at you all > night, you big hunk of dog muscle, you! (walks toward show) You > know, I'm so pretty I could kiss myself all over *kiss kiss* > which I will *kiss kiss* because I can. (steps in shower, tosses > out towel) Hey, what are you doing in here? AAUUGGHH!! (Crow does the Psycho music) > (runs away > wearing the shower curtain-quite nice apparel by the way =) ) Tom: It's the rage in Paris... > >As Blitz is chased by the wolf, he runs in to Shag, literally, like into >Shag. Shag pulls him out. Blitz spits out several furballs. The two hear >the werewolf. Shag then jumps into Blitz's arms, who drops him a moment >later. Then Blitz jumps into Shag's arms, who also drops him a moment >later. > > Blitz: This isn't working, mop boy!" Tom: Yeah, enough with the endless chases... > >The werewolf starts chasing the two of them again, this time the same time. >We cut to Hunter, approaching Hubert's ladder. > > Hubert: *sniff* Baboon? No. > Hunter: (tossing soggy tennis ball) How're the lab tests going, > Professor? > Hubert: Good news, I'm already on the B's! *sniff* Badger? No. > *sniff* Bandicoot? No. > Hunter: Bandicoot, cool. Mike: Are you crazy? No one calls Crash Bandicoot cool. > Blitz & Shag: (run in the library screaming) Tom (a la librarian): Shut the heck up! > Hunter: Whoa, what's the problem buddy? > Shag: Uh ruh ree, ohr rer, uh ruh rer, uh ruh rehr ruhlf! > Hunter: You had a dream you were shaved bald by Kathie Lee > Gifford? Tom (Hunter): Well, you've got too much hair, she'd need a hand from Regis... > Shag: Rooohr, reh roohmerh. > Hunter: Worse than that? > Shag: (acts out a beastly creature and a scared Shag) *whine* > Hunter: Oh ho ho, you saw a werewolf! Wake up and go back to > sleep, you big nut. > Blitz: No, I saw it too! It was big, ugly, and huge with dripping > fangs and - (catches himself) - but I wasn't scared, no, not one > bit. Mike: This guy makes Chuckie Finster sound brave. > Hunter: Ah, you're both acting like little babies. Mike: See? > (roar heard > outside) (Blitz and Shag jump onto Hunter, whose head pops out > through Shag) What was that? > >The three head outside and see a mess in the kitchen. > > Hunter: Okay, who got into the chocolates? > Blitz: Whoever it was, it went into Exile's room. > >The three tip toe into Exile's room and to his bed. > > Hunter: Yo, Exile, psst. Wake up buddy, move it. > Exile: (waking up) *grumbles* QUIT RUSSIAN ME! Tom: Lame pun or just a misprint?... You be the judge. > Shag: (scared, runs towards door) (sees Colleen half awake) > Hunter: (turning on light) I suppose this is your werewolf? > Exile: Who, me? > Colleen: Blimey, could you blokes keep it down? I need my > bloomin' beauty sleep. > Hunter, Exile, and Blitz: I'LL SAY! > Colleen: Ahhaha, there's your comedy. Crow: Uh, girl, could you just leave this schtick to Slappy the Squirrel? (An Animaniacs character who often said "There's your comedy".) > Hunter: Sorry, Colleen, but the boys here think we've got an > uninvited guest in the house. > Colleen: Well, if you see him, tell him to pipe down. I'm going > back to bed. > Hunter: (pushing Blitz and Shag ahead of him) Yeah, me too. I've > had enough of these shaggy dog stories. Crow (Hunter): I never did like Scooby-Doo. > Exile: Me three. Don't be again unsleeping me. (closes door and > sees scratches all over the door) *gasp* Mother Russia! It > couldn't be me... Tom: Or could it? > or, could it? Tom: Hey, quit stealing my lines!... Please? > >Dawn arises. Outside of the headquarters, the Master's voice is heard. > > Master: Rise and shine, Rovers. Tom (singing the Teletubbies theme): Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa, Po... > Breakfast time. > >Muzzle hops by on camera. Meanwhile, in the laboratory, the Professor is >still on his tall ladder. > > Hubert: Walrus? no. *sniff sniff* Whale? No. *sniff sniff* Wolf? > Yes! *sniff sniff* Hmm. Interesting. Very interesting. > >Now the Professor is with the Road Rovers. > > Hubert: The testing is complete! > Hunter: Good job, Professor! > Hubert: Nothing to it, Hunter. I do have the most sensitive nasal > detection system in the world, you know. (points suddenly at > Shag) And you, sir, are currently in possession of a foot-long Crow: Rifle? > hot dog with mustard, relish, and onions! ... You wouldn't happen > to have an extra one, would you? (Shag digs out a hot dog) Ah, > thanks. (chugs) Mmm. > Colleen: So Professor, what did you find out about the fur? > Hubert: Although it appears to be from a wolf, closer analysis > proves it originates, in fact from . . . a werewolf. (everyone > gasps, Shag whimpers) > Hunter: I would not have predicted this. Mike: Well we did... what the hell were you thinkin'? > Blitz: See? I told you it was a werewolf! And it went straight > into Exile's room. > Colleen: Blimey! Where is Exile anyway? > >The scene cuts into a dark Exile's room. The Rovers slowly come in. > > Hunter: Exile? > Exile: Go away. > Hunter: Hey, we gotta talk, buddy. > Exile: Leave me lonely. I do not wish to hurt comrades. > Hunter: We wanna help you, man. Just tell us what you know. > Exile: According to legend of my ancestors, once victim is biten > or scratched, during full moon, he turns into raging monstrous > beast! Tom (Hunter): Sounds like what the XFL needed... > Colleen: Sounds like a fun date. > Exile: Is nyet funski; it is me. It is curse of werewolf. > (Balalaika music heard in the background) Oh, I miss Mother > RUssia. Father Russia I don't miss much, he was big grump. But > Mother Russia I miss. Oh, listen to the sad strains of the > balalaika. Mike: Enough with the pointless soliloquy... > I hate it, so somebody shut that thing up! > Shag: (quickly hides balalaika away) > Blitz: (pointing to calendar) Tonight there is another full moon. > Exile: Lock me up and throw away key! (Shag whimpers) > Colleen: No, Exile. We're gonna help you. > Blitz: But how? How do we find a cure? > Hunter: We need to consult the great wise dog of the mountain. > Confuse-us. Crow: 2 ROM chips if it's a dog. Tom: 4 if it's a Pekingese... I've got a feeling... > >The scene cuts to the top of a mountain. The Rovers stand before a talking >Pekingnese dog who is Confuse-us. Tom: HAH, 4 ROM chips back to ME! Crow: Fine. > > Hunter: Oh Confuse-us, we seek your wisdom. > Confuse-us: Did you bring the cocktail weenies? > Hunter: Yes sir! Mike (Confuse-us): Are they from a certain Pee-Wee Herman? Tom (Hunter): Uh, no. Mike: Good. (In one of the Pee-Wee flicks, Pee-Wee grows weenies on a tree, and when he feeds them to some adults, they turn into kids. Really.) > Confuse-us: Ahh! Oh, the cheesy kind! Crow: No comment on that. Absolutely none. > Good! Just leave the box. > Yeah, the entire box. Mmm. What can I do for you? > Colleen: Please tell us, oh great wise dog, how to save our > friend from the werewolf's curse. > Confuse-us: Hmm, werewolf's curse, werewolf's curse, right! Got > it! Ahem, cough cough, hack hack, hrum, pardon. > > The victim's problem will have ceased > When you find the drool of the beast. > Add water from the English moor > And you will have the perfect cure. > But if you fail by the dawn of day > Forever a werewolf he will stay. Tom: Sounds like something you'd hear on "Charmed"... Mike: All we need is Alyssa Milano and it'd be perfect. (She's one of the stars of the WB witch drama.) > > Now get! Get out! > Hunter: Let's get that swamp water, Rovers. It's back to England. > Thanks, Confuse-us! > Confuse-us: My pleasure. Good luck! Wear seatbelts. And next time > bring me some sourballs. Oh yeh yeh yeah yeah and uh, maybe some > (unintelligible, cinnamon something?), yeah, and maybe a side of > fries! All: Shut up! > Hunter: Okay, Shag and Exile will go with me. > Blitz: And I will go with Colleen. > Colleen: Have we met? > Blitz: I'm Blitz, remember? > Colleen: Sorry governor. > Blitz: I need a name tag. Crow: And again with the identity crisis... > Hunter: Let's hit the road Rovers! Next stop, the English moors. > Exile: (obviously inside aircraft) You should've left me behind, > Hubter; any minute I could change. > Hunter: (shows Exile in excessive chains and locks) Ah, honestly, > Exile. We have the situation all wrapped up. And not a moment too > soon; full moon off the right wing. Tom: Starring Martin Sheen. > Shag: (cowers under chair) > Hunter: How ya feel, buddy? > Exile: Hot, sweaty, large, Crow: The same way some women like their hunks. Mike: Crow... > the way I always feel. > Hunter: Sky Rover to Cloud Rover, I've got good news! Exile is > not a werewolf! > Blitz: (over intercom) And I've got bad news. Colleen is! > >The scene shows Colleen changing into a werewolf. Hunter is on the other >side of the intercom listening as Blitz screams for his life and crashing >is heard. > > Hunter: Yet another unexpected twist. Bummer. Mike: You gotta admit that it was pretty clever though. Crow: Eh? Mike: Well, not M.-Night-Shyamalan clever, but still clever. (Shyamalan's two big flicks with Bruce Willis, The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, are more known for their twists than anything else.) > >The Sky Rover flies straight. The Cloud Rover is going in zigzags. Tom: While this story is going down the tubes quickly. And we still got a third to go. > >Act III > >The Cloud Rover is in turmoil inside. > > Blitz: Colleen, its me! The one you can't remember, Blitz! > Colleen: (attacks Blitz) > Blitz: Can't we discuss this over a cappuccino? (falls in > controls) Nooo, noo, please! > >Meanwhile, Hunter has filled up a small tube with swamp water at the moor. > > Hunter: Okay, guys. Here's all the swamp water we need. > Blitz: (over intercom) Hunter, we have a problem! Tom: He just ain't Tom Hanks... > Hunter: Yeah, I know. We ran out of milk bones. > Blitz: That's not what I'm talking about! > Hunter: Stay, Blitz. Now that we have the swamp water we've gotta > find some werewolf slobber. > Blitz: (slobber pouring on him) I've got plenty of that! (stuffs > parachute at Colleen) > Hunter: (watching Cloud Rover take off) Where ya goin' now, > Blitz? > Blitz: It's not up to me; Colleen's in charge. Tom: Starring Scott Baio. (Heard of Charles in Charge? One of his many lame sitcoms.) > >The Sky Rover is hovering over Stonehenge. > > Hunter: What're they all doing here? Crow (Hunter): Oh, those are tourists! > Exile: According to the legend of my homeland, it is time for the > werewolves to pick their king and queen. Once sun comes up and > night turns to day, they will all be werewolves forever! Mike (Exile): In short, this is like prom. > Hunter: Queen Colleen? Naah, no way! > Blitz: (waving) Yoohoo! Over here! (Sky Rover lands) Hunter, > let's get out of here while we're still dogs. I barely got away > by the skin of my teeth. > Hunter: Play dead, Blitz; Tom (Hunter): Good dog, now roll over... good. > we're not going anywhere without > Colleen. > >The Rovers sneak around the columns to get a closer look. They find two >werewolves on the top of the rock, one of whom is Colleen. Mike: And they can tell because...? >The sun begins >to rise. > > Hunter: Okay, Rovers. Let's roll! > Blitz: Finally. It is time for the biting of soft mushy parts! > Exile Don't be a weird boy. > >The Rovers are on a full assault. Blitz bites the tail of a werewolf, >sending him wincing in pain. Exile freezes various werewolf attackers. > > Exile: I LOVE being Road Rover! Mike: I *hate* watching 'Road Rovers'. > >Meanwhile, Colleen and the other crowned werewolf leaps at Hunter. Mike: Uh guys? This isn't an episode of Smackdown. (One of the WWE's wrestling shows.) > > Hunter: Colleen, he's not really your type. In fact, he's not > even your species. (he avoids their onslaught easily) > >Shag prepares a missile and is ready to fire, but it's pointing the wrong >way. > > Hunter: Shag! You gotta turn it around! > Shag: Roo-kay. (turns himself around and fires, causing a canyon > which traps the werewolves) Mike (a la hoops commentator): Talk about a no-look shot. > Hunter: You did it, Shag! Good Work! (Colleen attacks him now) > You know, I'm usually super-patient, but with the sun coming up I > just don't have the time. (tosses her away and loads a tennis > ball) Just a touch of swamp water and . . . CATCH! (throws the > ball at her and the wolf catches it. Colleen morphs back to > normal) > Colleen: Phoo! Eww, gross! > >Hunter goes back to work, Mike: What, boss calling? >He takes the tennis ball and ricochet's it in the >canyon, touching all of the werewolves Crow: If it hit him back in the head, it'd be absolutely hilarious. >and morphing them all back to the >familiar characters from the beginning of the episode. > > Colleen: Gooey, but it did the job. > Hunter: Here, you want one for a souvenir? > Colleen: Hunter, you're just too good to me. > Hunter: Hey, I'm also super-generous. > >Back at headquarters, the Master is addressing them. > > Master: You're good dogs, Rovers. Good, good, dogs. I'm glad to > see that Colleen is back to her beautiful self, too. > Blitz: Ach, me too! She almost took my tuckus off back there. > Master: And thanks Professor. Your nose has done it again. > Hubert: You've had linguine and clam sauce, haven't you? > Master: And an after dinner mint, too! > Master: Amazing! Tom: What the hell?... Did the Master just say 2 consecutive lines? Crow: Must have been a mistranscription... > Hubert: (turning to Hunter) And you've been chewing on a > slime-covered tennis ball. Tom: DUH! > Hunter: Hey, I'm a dog; some habits die hard. > >The scene cuts to the mountain where Confuse-us is meditating. > > Confuse-us: Ah, all is well! > Hubert: And you've had cocktail weenies! > >Hubert is proud of his nose Crow: Ahh, just like Cyrano... >as we end the third episode. Mike: And not a moment too soon. (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: So? Tom: Excuse the pun, but this thing was as cheesy as those weenies. Crow: But one bad ep certainly couldn't have been enough for the show to get canned after one season... Tom: I've read somewhere that Jamie Kellner who was then the WB head honcho made very lame arbitrary decisions to renew and cancel certain shows... Crow: And this show just happened to fall under the ax. Mike: Speaking of the devil... He's here to defend everything. (Hexfield: Jamie Kellner) Jamie: First, some head executives renew or cancel shows purely based on ratings alone. I'm not one of them. Crow: So that would explain how Superman got renewed despite worse ratings? Jamie: Actually they were around equal. Personally, though, Superman had more potential. Rovers was cheesy, it was almost as if it was Animaniacs with a violent side. Even had the same voice actors and all... Besides, Superman's a bigger name than Road Rovers. Mike: Another turn-off, or so I've read, was that the show apparently didn't feature any extra footage in the show's final WB airing as had been promised, and everyone's claiming the WB said that Diana's death was responsible for that. Jamie: Really? I guess the WB guys must have been too busy watching the funeral to notice the lack of extra footage. Yeah, that's it. What's next, why the Russian Names song got cut? Crow (a la Diff'rent Strokes): Whatcha talkin' 'bout Jamie? Jamie: In one ep some characters sing about how Russian names are formed. We got complaints from someone that the punchline of that song was made to sound like a swear word... Well so was "Bulshoi", but you don't see people complaining about that do you? Mike: Point taken. Jamie: Anyways, with everything about how kids pick up stuff from TV and all, we decided to cut it anyway. Better safe than sorry. Crow: Ever since you cancelled those shows, the WB Saturday morning block's pretty much gone down the drain. Jamie: Yeah, blame me for it! Well... then again, maybe you can. But I do like the WB's dramatic cartoons, that's all I'm gonna say. Mike: We get your point. Jamie: Anyways, nice talking to you... but I gotta get back to trying to put down TiVo. Can't let people steal their programming by skipping the ad breaks, you know. (Mike closes Hexfield) Mike: Man, the WB kids block just hasn't been good since Jamie took over... Crow: Well, don't blame Jamie, blame the network. Tom: Hope Ruegger's got something good up his sleeve. Mike: Anyways, let's check back. (Back to Dr. Forrester and Frank) Forrester: Ah, look at Frank, enjoying Tom Ruegger's other work... (It's apparent Frank's watching Tiny Toons) Frank: Whoa, now that's incredibly stupid! (One skit I remember has a guy repeatedly saying "That's incredibly stupid".) Forrester: Oh well, guess you can't strike out all the time... Till next week guys... Frank, push the button. (Frank comes over to do this) (closing creds) Thanks to: Tom Ruegger and the WB for making this middlingly decent cartoon. Best Brains and Sci-Fi Channel for giving us the inspiration to MST. Tirran and Jim Whaley for giving me encouragement to MST. Nathaniel Freeman for transcribing this ep. BTW, the missing scene at the beginning involved princess Diana and prince Charles finalizing their divorce. (Thus the reference to the "disappearance of the royal family" the Master mentions.) Stinger: > Exile: (waking up) *grumbles* QUIT RUSSIAN ME!