Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents: "Clan of the Duck" By Varakorn Ungvichian (rover_wow@yahoo.com) Here comes MSTing #5... And it's another "Rugrats" MSTing. Rugrats is (C) 1991 Klasky-Csupo and MST3K is (C) 1989 Best Brains. Everything else is (C) whoever owns them. (Theme song, door sequence, all that stuff that opens an MST3K ep) Mike: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike and... (Suddenly Tom and Crow run in wearing kilts and with bagpipes) Mike: Hey, what on earth are you doing?... Tom: We're gonna perform some bagpipe music!... Mike: And why, pray tell? Crow: We decided to check out if Scottish culture is interesting, and hey! We gotta start somewhere... (They begin playing *the* stereotypical bagpipe tune. Namely, 'Scotland the Brave'. I'm sure you've heard it somewhere...) Mike: Man... that's so ungodly annoying... I can't believe the Scots have tolerated this custom for centuries... What's next, haggis, log throwing, golf? Tom (breaking from bagpipe): Well, yeah... it's tradition. (continues) Mike (lacking a snappy response): Ummm, OK... We'll be right back. (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) Tom: Y'know guys, one questionable aspect of Scottish culture is the fact men wear kilts, which are essentially skirts. Exactly why would these men do such a perverted thing? Mike: Uh, it's their tradition? Crow: I think he means besides tradition. I don't see a motive for men to wear something that makes them look pansy. Mike: Well, don't forget that dancing plays a major part of their culture... No one ever looked good dancing in pants... Tom: You actually have a point, Mike... Mike: Except, you know, those guys in the Gap ads... (Alarms.) Mike: Hey, it's Tony Blair and John Major... (It's Dr. Forrester and Frank.) Forrester: Hey Nelson, ready for some more pain? Mike: Well, ready as can be... Forrester: Frank, tell 'em what today's film is... Frank: It's a tale of cross dressers filled with perverted stuff. You've got flirting, you've got flashing, and of course, you've got the Rugrats. Crow: A Rugrats story with cross dressing? Who the hell wrote this? Forrester: It's called 'Clan of the Duck' and it's coming your way... right about now. Frank: Funk soul brother. Forrester: Frank, send 'em the film... (Frank presses button) Tom: 'Clan of the Duck'... sounds like an Internet club for Daffy fans... (Movie sign, traditional panic, door sequence, all enter the theater) Mike: So, Rugrats again? Tom: Yeah, any story with cross dressing sounds perverted enough... Crow: But this one has the Rugrats... This could get ugly... >(Chuckie, Tommy, Phil, and Lil playing outside with mud piles; Chuckie tries to make something but the >mud won't form shapes) Crow: Sounds like an erection metaphor... Mike: Crow... > >Chuckie: This mud isn't working right. > >Lil: (tastes her mud) Needs more water. > >Tommy: Hurry up Phil. Tom (Dave Coulier): Or do I have to use the 'Hurry Up' machine on you? (Segment on Coulier's old Nick show 'Out of Control'... very hilarious BTW) > >Phil: (trying to bite a hose) I'm doing my best. I only "gots" three teeth. Crow: Couldn't he just, say, OPEN THE GOD DAMN TAP?! >(punctures the hose with his teeth >and water spurts out) Got it! > >Chuckie: I wish it wasn't so hot. > >Lil: Yeah, didn't it use to be snowing? > >Phil: Didn't it feel like ice cream (?) for a while? Crow (Lil): Yeah, kinda like Haagen Daaz. > >Lil: Maybe the sky is broken. Tom (Lil): Better tell the king. (I'm thinking of the old tale 'Chicken Little'.) > >Tommy: I like it when it's hot. It makes Spike's tongue hang out. > >Chuckie: Well, it just makes my legs all sweaty. I wish my shorts were shorter like Phil's. > >Phil: Uh, they still rub. Mike (warning Crow): We know what you're thinking Crow... Crow (bemused): What? >I've got diaper rash down to my knees. > >Tommy: Well, I think a diaper is all any baby ever needs. Mike (with slight sarcasm): Oh yeah. A diaper is all any baby ever needs. Until, of course, potty training. > >Chuckie: I don't know Tommy. Ever since I started going on the potty, a diaper just doesn't feel right. > >Lil: Dressies are the "bestest" of all. They don't rub, they're nice and cool, and you still got something over >your diaper for when friends come over. Crow (Lil): Though of course, someone can always look up your dressie and see it... (Mike slaps Crow) Crow: Ow! >'Course you boys can't wear dressies. > >Tommy: We can't? > >Lil: No, boys wear pants and girls wear dressies. > >Tommy: Well, why do we "got" to wear different stuff? Tom (Lil): Well, how the hell am I s'posed to know? > >Lil: 'Cause girls are good and boys are bad, naughty babies. Tom: Do you know that bad babies go to hell? (I don't know the title, but there's a song which begins with someone saying "Do you know that bad boys go to hell?".) > >Tommy: Oh, that's why. > >(Betty, her husband Howard , and Didi (Tommy's mom) emerge from the house) > >Didi: So is Lil enjoying your mommy and daughter female empowerment class? > >Betty: Aw, it's a blast Deed. Yup, today we're doing tumbling, jumping, and a "Let's Take A Control of the >Senate" sing-along. All (to the tune of 'Hail to the Chief'): Let's kick the crap out of Senator Clinton... > >(Didi picks up Tommy) > >Didi: Hello sweetie. Ready to run some errands with Mommy? > >(Tommy babbles) Tom: Well, at least he's smarter than George W. Bush... > >Didi: Why don't we meet up over at the park at the International Food Fair, say 2:00? > >Betty: Aw, two is peachy. I can't wait to sink my pearly whites into some of those Zambian monkey >sweetbreads. (Crow makes a 'Eww' noise) >Ow wheeh mama! (picks up Lil) So listen, do you think you can take these two jokers to the >park on your lonesome there, Howard? > >Howard: Well, I suppose I- Crow (Howard Stern): could keep the kids 'busy' for a while... (giggles) Mike: Crow... Crow (Howard Stern): ...maybe teach 'em how to say "Baba Booey!" > >Betty: Great! Have fun with Howie guys! ------ (?) Tom: Okaaaay... what the hell just happened? Mike: I think that means Betty said something else and the transcriber couldn't catch it. Crow: Either that, or there's just been a break in sound. > >(walks with Didi, Tommy, and Lil into the house) > >Howard: Uh... oh whee. Crow: Well, guess the problem's been fixed. > >Phil: You know, my mom wears pants and she's a girl. > >Chuckie: I guess that's true. Tom (Chuckie): Unless she's anything like the 'Crying Game' girl. > >Phil: Well, if girls can wear anything they want, then so can we. Come on Chuckie, we're gonna try on a >dressie! > >Chuckie: Why does being a boy have to be so hard? Mike: You think this is hard? Wait till you're 18 pal... > >(cut to inside home; Howard is watching tv in the living room) > >TV: "And now we return to 'Tinkering with Toothpicks' on The Hobby Channel. When using toothpicks in >your arts and crafts projects, it is important to give consideration to what types of toothpicks you are using. Mike (TV): You DON'T want your arts and crafts projects to collapse from using cheap toothpicks... >For instance, ...." Crow (TV): ...the bigger, the better! (beat) Like, well, you know. > >(Howard yawns and falls asleep; Tom (Howard Stern): Even the King of Media has to take a nap... >kids sneak past him) > >(cut to Chuckie and Phil in the bedroom; Chuckie is in a jumper) > >Chuckie: Guess I might as well see how I look. (steps over a vent and the dress lifts) Crow: I dunno, Chuckie doesn't make a good Marilyn Monroe... >Wow. Dressies are a lot >cooler. > >(Phil tries to put on a dress, and it gets temporarily caught on his face) > >Phil: Yeah, and they're fun too! (twirls around) Look. If you turn around fast enough, your dressie goes up. >Try it! > >(Chuckie tries to spin but it doesn't work) > >Phil: Faster, faster, faster! Mike: Y'know, he reminds me of my boss at work... > >(Chuckie tries, but he falls down dizzy) > >Phil: That's fast enough. > >(cut to them on the bed) > >Chuckie: Are you sure we'll be able to fly? > >Phil: Sure, it's like a parachute! Mike: That's like saying a condom is like a balloon... >You first. > >(he pushes Chuckie off the bed) > >Chuckie: Ow! > >Phil: My turn! (jumps and lands on Chuckie) Thanks for catching me. Tom (Chuckie): Ow... my spleen! > >(cut to them rolling around using the dresses as a sack) > >Chuckie: Here I come. (they bump into each other) Dressies are fun, huh? > >(cut to Howard still sleeping) > >TV: "The history of the toothpick-" Mike (TV): ...began when Neanderthals used splinters to pick their teeth. Crow (Neanderthal): Ow! Hurt, hurt, hurt. > >(cut back to Chuckie and Phil) > >Chuckie: And with my shorts off, I can go potty right away if I need to. Hmm.. > >(walks away to the bathroom; Phil takes a nap; Chuckie comes back) > >Chuckie: Well, I guess they make good "jammies" too. > >(joins Phil for a nap) > >(cut back to Howard) > >TV: "And next week, on 'Different Size Nails'... " Tom (rapping): I was up above it, now I'm down in it! (Line from a Nine Inch Nails song, 'Down In It') > >(hammering on tv wakes Howard up) > >Howard: (looking at his watch) Oh goodness gracious! > >(grabs some items, Crow (Howard): Vibrators, check, condoms, check... Oh yes, Viagra... (Mike muffles him off) >drives off with the car, Tom: Hey Howard, you forgot the kids... >then comes back to house; cut to him in the bedroom grabbing >the kids as they sleep, Tom: That's better... >and drives off) > >(cut to the fair; the kids wake up in strollers; a boy named Joey is staring at them) > >Joey: Hi. > >Chuckie: Um, hi. Where are we? > >Joey: At the park. Your folks are probably taking you to the big food fair. > >Chuckie: Oh, that's good. I'm kind of hungry. > >Joey: I've got some dummy worms in my; lunch box if you want some. > >Phil: Yeah. > >Chuckie: All right. Tom: Since when was accepting candy from strangers a good thing? >What about your dad? > >Phil: Aw, he'll be okay. > >(they follow Joey to a nearby tree where the lunch box is; another boy named Frankie Tom: Oh boy, Sinatra's in this? I had NO idea... >emerges from behind >a tree) > >Frankie: Hey, Joey. Where are you going? > >Joey: To get some candy for my friends. > >Frankie: (to Chuckie) Hey, you want to come sit with me instead? I got chocolate. Tom (Frankie): I got it from some woman... I think her name was Binoche. (Juliette Binoche, of Chocolat fame) > >Joey: Frankie, I saw her first. > >(pushing Frankie out of the way) > >Chuckie: Her? Hey, hey you guys we're not- > >Phil: How much chocolate? > >(Frankie pushes Joey) > >Frankie: Stay out of this. I really like your dress Tom: Infants flirting? This is getting ugly... Mike: It hasn't already? Tom: Point. > >(to Chuckie) > >Joey: Frankie, she's my friend! > >Chuckie: Well, Phil shouldn't we tell 'em? > >Frankie: Phil? Your name is Phil? Tom (Phil): Uh, yeah... I've seen girls named Alex and Mike, so? > >Phil: Yeah, it's short for... Phillian. And this is... um, Chuckina. Chuckina's a girl too. Isn't that right >Chuckina? (All sing the Chiquita banana song, using the word 'Chuckina') > >Chuckie: Well, um (Joey shows them his candy)... can I have a worm? > >Joey: Sure. > >Chuckie: Okay. (eats it) Oh, these are good! > >Joey: (to Frankie) See, dummy worms are better than chocolate! So why don't you go swing or something. > >Frankie: Oh come on Joey. There's two of them You can have the other one. Crow: Whoa! How much more suggestive can you get than THAT? > >(the both tug on Chuckie's arms) > >Joey: I don't want to share. Let go of her! > >Frankie: Make me! > >Joey: I will! (Phil watches and eats a candy bar) > >Chuckie: Help me, Phillian.! Woooahhh! > >(falls down) > >(Frankie & Joey gasp) > >Chuckie: What? Uh oh. > >Joey: Blue underwear? Crow: All we need is Boy George singing and it'd be perfect... (He did the soundtrack to 'The Crying Game') > >Frankie: (laughs) Hey Joey. You've been giving candy to a boy? > >Joey: Well, you thought he was a girl too. > >Frankie: Oh yeah. Let's get 'em. > >Joey: Yeah, boys aren't supposed to be wearing dresses. > >Phil: Run Chuckie! > >(throws a bag of candy at Joey and Frankie; Tom + Crow (Joey and Frankie): Oooh, Reese's Pieces! >they slip on the pieces) > >Phil: This way! > >(run through a line of people trying to enter the food fair) > >Joey: Come on, I know where there is a hole in the fence. > >Chuckie: Oh no. Crow (Chuckie): I just lost my dressie... Mike: Sigh... What is it with you and pervert thoughts?... Crow: Well, where do I start?... > >Joey: Quick! Up that mountain! > >(points to picture of mountain; they try to climb it and fall through the picture to the other side into a Sumo >Wrestling ring during a match) > >Chuckie: Now that makes me mad! > >Phil: What? > >Chuckie: If "a mommies" can wear pants and grownups can wear diapers, how come we can't wear dressies? Tom (Phil): 'Cause it looks damn gay? > >Phil: Uh, 'cause they'll beat us up? > >Joey: There they are! > >Chuckie: Oh yeah. > >(they start running again) > >(Chuckie and Phil are by a steak pie booth) > >Phil: Quick, Chuckie! Grab some! Tom (Chuckie): Mmm, yummy! > >(they try to throw them but can't throw far enough) > >Phil: Split up! > >(they start running again; cut to Israel's booth) (All shout mock Hebrew and make gun shot noises) > >Announcer: Okay, everybody. Time to get up and dance the Horah! > >(people start dancing; Chuckie approaches) > >Chuckie: Phil, where are you? > >(he gets caught temporarily in the dance line; Tom (singing): The rhythm's gonna get you... >runs out and bumps into Phil) > >Phil: Chuckie, what happened? > >Chuckie: The Horah! The Horah! Mike: If anything's a 'Horah', it's this freak show. > >(Joey and Frankie appear) > >Joey & Frankie: There they are! Get 'em! > >(Chuckie and Phil start running; go down pasta slide into a sandbox; end up by men in Scottish garb) > >Phil: Where are we? > >Chuckie: I don't know. But I think everybody's leggy (?). > >Boy #1: (with clan of Scottish boys) We're not leggy (?). We're Scotch babies. Crow (Chuckie): Any relation to the tape? >Those are some funny kilts >you're wearing my friend. And what clan are ya? > >Chuckie: Um, I don't know, but uh, can you hide us? > >Boy #2: Well, will ya look at 'em Mark? They're the Clan Of The Duck. Tom (Chuckie): I'm not exactly a fan of Daffy or Donald, but... okay! > >Boy #1: Let's give a cheer for the Clan Of The Duck. > >(all the kids cheer) > >(Joey and Frankie appear) > >Joey: There they are! > >Chuckie: Oh no! They're gonna be mean to us. > >Boy #1: Not in this part of the highlands. What do we say my lads? > >(the Scott babies lift up their kilts to expose their diapers at Joey and Frankie and cheer) Crow: Oh brother. Flashing is ugly enough, but having babies doing it... God knows how screwed this writer's head is... > >Frankie: What are they doing? > >(Chuckie and Phil join in) > >Joey: Those babies are crazy! Tom (Joey): Someone better lock 'em up...! >Let's get out of here. > >Frankie: I'm with you. > >(they run away, as the others laugh; Betty, Howard, Didi, Tommy, and Lil appear) > >Betty: Aw, here they are. Little nippers at 11:00. Mike (Betty): And little screwdrivers at 12:00... > >Didi: Oh, thank goodness we found them. Are they all right? > >(puts Tommy down; he gets into the diaper bag) > >Betty: Looks like we've got a little costume party goin' here. Crow: With a 'Crying Game' theme to boot. Mike: Enough with the 'Crying Game'! > >Howard: I, I thought something was odd. Tom: Cue Tommy dressed as a girl... > >(Tommy wears shirt as a skirt) Tom: now! > >Didi: Tommy! > >Betty: Well now, looks like you want to play too! > >Didi: Oh, well... > >(cut to later) > >Tommy: Thanks for helping Chuckie and Phil. > >Phil: Thanks for the haggis. > >Lil: What's that made out of anyway? > >Boy #1: Sheep guts. Tom (Phil): Well, that explains all the yuckiness... > >(kids lick their lips) > >Chuckie: Well, bye bye. > >Boy #1: What do you say lads? One more cheer for the Clan Of The Duck. > >Boy #2: Aye, the Clan Of The Duck! > >Boy #3: Up the kilt! Crow: And into the underwear... (giggles) Mike: (sigh) You're never far from innuendo, are you? > >All: Hooray! > >(lift kilts up in succession several times as they cheer) Mike: Well, here's something to cheer about: it's over! (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: So what do you think?... Tom: Just as perverted as I had expected... What were they thinking? 'Hey, I know, let's make a Rugrats version of "The Crying Game"!' Crow: Yeah, it's just plain weird... Just about the only thing that made sense is their little talk on why boys can't wear dresses and why girls CAN wear pants. Tom: Wasn't as bad as Manos, but it's getting there... Crow: At least Manos didn't have SEXISM... Mike: Y'know, there are so many stereotypes of what jobs are for men and women... Tom: Examples, we think of secretaries as women, and we think of repairmen, I mean maintenance personnel, as men. Mike: Any idea why these stereotypes exist? Crow: The answer is simple. We still have a pretty common conception that women are the weaker sex. Tom: Prove that... Crow: Here's just one example, over similar distances in track and field, women are always slower. Need I say more? Tom: Ahh, I guess you're right. Crow: And don't forget that certain professions require physical strength... these aren't exactly women's jobs... And so I rest my case. Mike: Good, because I think we got a Julia on the line... Crow: Julia? Get ready to congratulate her on her first Oscar... Mike: Uh... I don't think it's that Julia... Tom: Okay, then get ready to dance hip hop. Mike: Not that one either... (Hexfield: Julia Kato) Crow: Okay, if your last name isn't Roberts or Stiles, then what on earth IS your last name?... Julia: My last name? Kato. Crow: Sounds like someone from 'The Green Hornet'... Exactly what do you do for a living, Julia Kato? Julia: I just got my first big break in showbiz... as the newest Rugrat's mommy. Tom: I think you're talking about Kimi... Julia: Exactly. Mike: What's your opinion on the attempt to add racial diversity into Rugrats? Julia: Well, since the racial population in America is growing, the producers decided that it was time to add racial diversity to the show... And I think that was such a good idea. Tom: When you see your character on screen, what do you think? Julia: It seems that the writers have made my character as caring as most of the other parents on the show, caring for Chuckie and Kimi. Crow: Why would she be caring for Chuckie? Julia: Don't you know? She married the kid's dad... Anyways she reads poems to them before they go to bed. That's how much she cares for them. Tom: What do you think of the Rugrats' prospects for the future? Julia: They're in their 10th season... I think they can easily last 20, as long as the other voice actresses remain healthy, the producers don't add any more new characters, and of course, cut down on the dumb stories... Mike: Whoa, 20 years... that would be no small feat... Julia: I think I'll have to wrap up this conversation, because I have to get back to work... I'm hoping for the best... Mike: It was nice talking to you, bye... (closes Hexfield) Crow: Well, she's got a long way to go if she wants to be the next Julia Roberts... Tom: Since when would she wanna be the next Julia Roberts? Crow: Okay, the next Tress MacNeille then... Mike: That's better... Hey, let's check with the Mads... (Dr. Forrester's practicing golf putting, wearing a kilt, and having Frank, also wearing a kilt, as his 'caddy') Forrester (Scottish): Oh, you blokes watching my game, eh? Watch this... (nails a long putt) Forrester: Hah hah! (starts Scottish dance) Frank: Let's not forget the music... (takes a bagpipe and plays music) Forrester: We're gonna have some haggis... till next week, lads... (Frank presses button) (Closing creds) Thanks to: Klasky-Csupo and Nickelodeon for this mighty fine show. Best Brains and Sci-Fi Channel for giving us the inspiration to MST. Kathleen Kremer for transcribing this ep. Stinger: >Chuckie: Guess I might as well see how I look. (steps over a vent and the dress lifts)