Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: "Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo" By Varakorn Ungvichian (rover_wow@yahoo.com) My 4th MSTing! Be careful though, this one has elements that might be offensive to some readers. Hey, it's South Park, how can it NOT be? And by the way South Park is (C) 1997 Trey Parker and Matt Stone and MST3K is (C) 1989 Best Brains. Everything else is (C) whoever owns them. (Theme song, door sequence, all that stuff that opens an MST3K ep) Mike: Hello, and welcome once again to the Satellite of Love. We're just about ready to talk about how potty humor has suddenly become popular. Crow: That's right, everyone, from Adam Sandler to the Rugrats and just about everyone in between, has embraced potty humor to make us laugh... Say, where's Servo? (There's the sound of a flushing toilet mingled with the sound of Tom screaming in the background.) Mike and Crow: Uh oh... (Crow runs off) Mike: We'll be right back... (runs off) (Bumper, ads, whatever's during the breaks) (Tom's head has stuff all over it. Mike and Crow are cleaning him with brushes, soap and what not) Tom: Funny you should mention potty humor while I was in the can... Mike: Anyways, there's been a disturbing trend lately in humor that involves... hmm, how to say it... disgusting bodily functions. Crow, give us an example... Crow (Rugrats' Baby Dil): POOPIE! (makes pooping sounds) Mike: Yeah, that's a good one. Could you help me with that spot there? Thanks. Crow: It's been embraced everywhere in primetime. From 'South Park' to 'Saturday Night Live', we see people laughing over pooping, puking, taking a leak and all that stuff... Pass the brush please... Mike (passes brush): Any idea why it's so popular these days? Crow: Well, since we poop and leak all the time, no offense, I think it was just a matter of time before some wisecracks figured out how to make all that stuff funny and disseminate it... Tom: Well, who doesn't get a kick out of fart noises? They sound so damn funny... Pass the towel please... Mike (passes towel): Well, that makes sense... Crow: So potty humor is big because fart noises sound damn funny... But what about urine, and for that matter, vomit? Tom: Well, poop goes with urine in the toilet, so I don't see a problem there... and where should you vomit? The toilet, duh... I rest my case. Mike: Well, guess we're gonna have to wrap it up... 'cause Laurel and Hardy are calling... (Once again, Dr. Forrester and Frank. Mike and the bots all bow) Forrester: My, aren't we quick today on the bows. Anyways, it seems that potty humor's the flavor of the week in Hollywood, what with Adam Sandler, the Rugrats and other actors all getting in to the poop business... Frank: Yeah, there seems to be lotsa dough in turd... Forrester: ...but guess who's the king of potty humor? Mike: Jim Carrey? Tom: Ben Stiller? Crow: The Farrelly brothers? Forrester: Well, at least in Hollywood, but I was thinking of TV here... Mike et al.: The guys who make 'South Park'? Forrester: Precisely, now your experiment here is Trey Parker and Matt Stone's attempt to put potty humor into Christmas... It's called 'Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo'. Enjoy... Mike et al. + Forrester: ...or not. Forrester: Push the button Frank. (Frank presses button) Mike: So, it's 'South Park'... Tom: AKA the Kenny-killing show... (Movie sign, traditional panic, door sequence, all enter the theater) Tom: It can't be that bad... Mike: Well, hope it gets disturbing real fast... >[South Park Elementary] >A group of kids are on stage. >South Park Kids: [Singing]We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry >Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Mike: Thanks for the carol, but what we need is someting DISTURBING... >Stan steps out from offstage. >Stan: Lights please. >The lights dim, leaving Stan in the spot light. Tom: And allowing him to give the viewers an earful on Christmas... >And there were, in the same country, shepards abiding in the fields, keeping >watch over their flock by night. And loh the angel of the lord came upon >them, and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, "fear not, for >behold I bring you tidings of great joy. For born unto you this day in the >Sea of ... David is a saviour. Tis Christ the Lord. Glory to God in the >highest, and honor with peace, good will towards men." All: (fake snoring) Mike: Wake me up when the really disturbing stuff comes, OK? >And now South Park >Elementary presents: "The Birth of Jesus." >The curtain opens, revealing a Nativity Scene >Wendy[as the Virgin Mary] is breathing and panting as though in labor. Crow: Finally, the disturbing stuff's coming! Tom: Well, at least stuff that would make for a bizarre image... >Kyle: [As Joseph]Come on Mary, push! >Wendy: Ah! >Kyle: I can see its head! >Wendy: Ahhhhh! >[Pop] >Kyle catches baby Jesus and grasps it by the head. Crow: Alright now THAT'S disturbing... >Kyle: It's a boy. >Cartman: [One of the 3 wise men]Ohhhh. >Kenny: [An angel above the scene]Mrmmrmrphrmr. Tom: Hey, what bastard gagged Kenny!? Mike: He's supposed to talk like that... Others: Sorry. >Mr. Garrison is off stage directing the play. >Mr. Garrison: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. Kyle, what the hell was that? Mike: A helluva disturbing image, duh. >You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick >weirdo are you? >Kyle: Sorry. >Mr. Garrison: And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains. >Wendy: Ok. >Sheila: Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing? >Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas Play, but your >son was holding baby Jesus fetus by the head. >Sheila: How dare you include the Nativity in a school play! Don't you >realize my son is Jewish?!? >[Silence] >Mr. Garrison: So. >Sheila: So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Aramethea? Tom (Garrison): Well, he was Jewish, wasn't he? Crow: Would it be crazy to say that she's talkin' 'bout the wrong Joseph?! Mike: (after thinking) ...'Fraid so. (I read in the encyclopedia that Joseph of Arimathea was a Jew. The Joseph in the Nativity scene is of course St. Joseph.) >Mr. Garrison: Because it's Christmas. >Sheila: Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas. Mike: We celebrate Hannukah instead. >[Gasp] >Mr. Garrison: Oh God, you're not going to lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are >you? >Sheila: What, what, what! You're not going to get away with this Mr. >Garrison. >Cartman: Oh good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas. All: Yeah, we agree! >Kyle: Shut up fat boy! >Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm festively plump. Mike (Kyle): You are NOT a turkey, Cartman. >Stan: Why are you Jewish on Christmas Kyle? Tom (Kyle): 'Cause that's when I get sick of being Confucian. >Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay. Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas >play that isn't related to Jesus? >Sheila: How about the Dreidel song, boobie? Crow (Beavis): She said 'boobie'... >Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song. >Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go? >Kyle: [Singing]Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me and I love you... >Stan: Christmas poo? >Cartman: What the hell is Christmas poo?!? Tom: For starters, how 'bout 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' and all those other lousy carols? >Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it? >Sheila: Kyle, that is enough! >Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a >pagan. Crow (Garrison): We are NOT living on a tropical island here... >Sheila: Now that does it. I am going straight to the mayor about you Mr. >Garrison. >Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait. I'm sorry, was it the pagan remark? >Wendy: You guys, look! It's snowing! >[Cheering] > >The kids are run outside into the playground. >Stan: Wow, Christmas snow! >Wendy: Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue. >Wendy catches a snowflake. >Wendy: It's fun. >The other kids proceed to catch snow flakes. >A bird flies overhead, pooping in Kenny's mouth. Mike: That's sick! >Kenny: Oooh. >Stan: That was sick dude! Mike: Then Kenny gets sick from the bird poo and kicks the bucket. Tom: Oh my god, they killed Kenny! Crow: You bastards! >Kyle is about to catch a snowflake. >Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas >snow! >Kyle: We can too. Tom (Kyle): Ever heard of Civil Rights? >Stan: Nahh, I think it's against the law dude. >Kyle: Officer Barbrady! >Officer Barbrady is directing traffic nearby. >Barbrady stops a car. Tom (guy in car): What, I wasn't speedin'! >Officer Barbrady: What? >Kyle: Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow? >Barbrady ponders for a moment. Mike (guy in car): Hurry up, I gotta get to work! >Officer Barbrady: [Making it up]Yesss. >Kyle: Damn it! Tom: So Barbrady's never heard of Civil Rights. Yeah, that makes sense. >Stan: Hey, come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what >we want for Christmas. >Cartman: Yeh, we'll see you later Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to >come, since you don't get Christmas presents. >Kyle: No, but I get Hannakuh presents for eight days. Mike (Kyle): Plus we get presents for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur too... >Cartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel, or something lame like that. >Stan: We'll catch up with you later Kyle. >Kyle: Wait, I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas >poo. >Stan: What, what is this about Christmas poo dude? >Kyle: Mr. Hankey, he comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents >to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet. Tom: And what does fiber have anything to do with being Jewish?... Mike: One word: Matzos. >Cartman: Uh, Kyle, come on, seriously, you're really reaching right now. >Kyle: Well, you're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's >sleigh with Mr. Hankey fat ass! >Cartman: You're not gonna ride around on Santa's sleigh, cause you're a Jew, >Kyle! >Stan: See you dude. > >Everybody walks off, leaving Kyle alone. > >Kyle wanders as he's singing. Tom (singing): Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why, I got out of bed at all. Morning raincloud's at my window, and I can't see at all... > >Kyle: [Singing]It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas. My friends won't let me >join in any games. And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas >tree, or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me. Crow (Kyle): When I was young, I lost my... Mike (warning): Crow... Crow: ...left foot. (to Mike) What? >My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity. I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew, >on Christmas. > >Kyle is peeking from behind a tree as the other kids visit Santa. > >Kyle: [Singing]Hannukuh is nice, but why is it, that Santa passes over my >house every year? And in stead of eating ham I have to eat kosher lock >cheese. Instead of Silent Night I'm singing who hack do ga veesh. Tom (Kyle): What the hell that is, I dunno. Others (a la Baha Men): Woof woof woof woof! >And what >the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please. Tom (Kyle): Whoops, just said the f-word... >I'm >a Jew, a lonely Jew, I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew, on Christmas. > >[City Hall] >A large crowd is up in arms. >The mayor clears her throat. >Mayor McDaniels: Okay everybody, settle down. >Townswoman: Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of >the capitol office. Church and State are separate. Crow: And how's that relevant to the argument? Mike: It's not supposed to be, see, that's the beauty of it. >Crowd: No! No! >Kyle: What's going on you guys? >Stan: The whole town's pissed of at each other, it's really sweet. >Sheila: That isn't all mayor, the school play is doing a Nativity scene. It >isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community. Crow: And since when was a Nativity scene offending to Jews...? Tom: It's Christian. Enough said. >Mr. Garrison: You are the Jewish community! Mike (singing): ...and there ain't nothing you can't do. Tom: So there's no Jews in South Park BESIDES them? What the hell happened to cultural diversity?... >Crowd: Yeh, yeh! >Cartman: Oh boy, super bitch is at it again. >Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman! >Priest: Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove >Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all that garbage too. Mike: Y'know the priest's got a point... >Followers: Hallelujah! >Townsperson: Amen. >Tree Huggers: And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees. >Townsperson: Ah, give me a break. >Jimbo: And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids, if you >don't want to spill your coffee then you shouldn't be driving with it. Tom (Mayor): And what does that have anything to do with Christmas...? Crow: Dude! That's the joke! >The crowd is a bit unsure. >Crowd: Yehhhh! >Mayor McDaniels: Okay people, clearly we need to reach a compromise. Perhaps >we need a new icon for Christmas. >Assistant: Ooh, brilliant idea mayor. >Kyle: Hey, how about Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo? >Mayor McDaniels: Excuse me? All (in sync with Stan): Oh boy, here we go again. >Stan: Oh boy, here we go again. >Kyle: Mr. Hankey, he comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents >to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet. >Sheila: Kyle, shh. >Kyle: It's true, he doesn't care what faith you are. [Singing]Mr. Hankey the >Christmas poo, he loves me and I love you, therefore vicariously he loves >you, even ... >Cartman: Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed little boy. >Kenny: That's nasty. Tom: That's something we all agree on... (pause) And did some wise guy decide to 'get creative' on Kenny-mumble? >Stan: Yeh. >Sheila: Okay Kyle, we're leaving right now. >Kyle: Wait. >Mayor McDaniels: Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers >to make sure this will be the most non-offensive ever, to any religious or >minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions? Mike: Since you mentioned 'crack'... could you stop taking it? (giggles) >Mr. Garrison raises his hand. >Mayor McDaniels: Yes Mr. Garrison? >Mr. Garrison: Could we get rid of all the Mexicans? >Mayor McDaniels: No Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans. >Mr. Garrison: Rats. Mike (Garrison): Here comes another year of 'Feliz Navidad'... Crow: Hey, nothing's wrong with that song! Mike: Not unless it's played ad nauseum... Crow: Good point. >[Cut to Commercial] > >[Kyle's House] >Ike unwraps and spins a dreidel. >Mr. Broslofski: It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it! >Sheila: Your father's right Kyle. >Mr. Broslofski: Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine >Kyle, Tom (Kyle's Dad): When you're in the funny farm... >but this simply will not do! Crow (Beavis): Heh heh, he said 'doo'. >Sheila: Listen to your father Kyle. >Ike is chasing his dreidel. >Ike runs into a table, knocking the Menorah onto his head. Mike: Ooh, now that's gotta offend some Jews out there... Tom: And this turd hasn't already? Mike: Point. >Mr. Broslofski: Now, I want you to repeat after me, "there is no such thing >as Mr. Hankey." >Kyle: But dad, he always... >Mr. Broslofski: Say it! >Kyle: There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey. >Mr. Broslofski: Again! >Kyle: There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey. >Sheila: This is for your own good boobie. Crow (more Beavis): Hehheh... boobie... >Mr. Broslofski: Now you go brush your teeth, and march into bed. You won't >be opening your Hannukuh present tonight. >Kyle: Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway. >Mr. Broslofski: What did you say?!? >Kyle: I said Ike's on fire. Tom: We don't need no water, let the whole mother burn. >Ike: Uh oh, the flames, uh oh. >Sheila: Oh my God! > >[The Bathroom] >Kyle: It isn't fair, I don't want to be an outcast. All (rapping): I'm sorry Ms. Jackson. I am for REAL... (Outkast's Ms. Jackson) >Toilet: Kyyyyle. >Kyle: I'm not hearing that. >Toilet: Helloooo. >The toilet flushes. >Kyle: Mr. Hankey? >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho! Tom: The last thing we need... a turd who talks cowboy. >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho Kyle, gosh you're looking swell. >Kyle: Go away Mr. Hankey. >Mr. Hankey: You know something pal, you smell an awful lot like flowers. Tom (Kyle): And you would know because?... >Kyle: I said go away, my dad says you're not real. >Mr. Hankey: Not real? Well shucks, if I weren't real could I sing this jolly >Christmas song. [Singing]Santa Claus is on his way, he's loaded goodies on >his sleigh, drop 'em off on Christmas day, and I'll say howdy ho! >Kyle: Mr. Hankey, shhh, I'll get in trouble. >Mr. Hankey: Folks'll gather 'round the fire, sing a song that's from a >choir, pretty soon they'll all retire and I'll say howdy ho! Tom: Man, what a lame song... Is this gonna be a recurring theme? Mike: Buckle up, it's gonna be... >Mr. Broslofski: Kyle, what are you doing in there?!? >Kyle: Nothing! >Mr. Broslofski: Open this door! >Mr. Hankey: I hope that Santa comes real soon, I been waiting since the >first... >Mr. Broslofski: Huhhhh. Kyle!!! >The piece of crap in Kyle's hands sits motionless. Mike: While the piece of crap on the screen just goes on and on... >Kyle: Say something Mr. Hankey. >Kyle shakes the turd. >The top of the turd falls over. Tom: While this turd just refuses to go down. > > >[Kyle's Bedroom] >Mr. Broslofski: Now you get to sleep and think about how your poor mother >has to clean that bathroom up! >Sheila: What, what what!?! Me?!? Crow (Mr. Broslofski): Yeah, you! >Mr. Broslofski closes the door. Tom (Sheila singing): Tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why, I got out of bed at all... Mike: That's enough Dido for one day... >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho. >Kyle: Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go? >Mr. Hankey: You should be wearing socks to sleep Kyle, you're gonna catch a >cold. >Kyle: Nobody believes in you, not even my friends! Crow (Kyle): Then again, who else would wanna believe in a piece of damn crap? >Mr. Hankey: Ahh, gee that's too bad. >Kyle: Hey, how about you come to school with me tomorrow so I can at least >prove I'm not crazy to my friends. >Mr. Hankey: Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the >true spirit of Christmas. >Kyle: Yeh, we'll show them! Tom (a la gangster): Yeah, we'll show 'em not to mess with us! > >[Downtown South Park] >Mayor McDaniels: Okay people, we've got to turn this place around. Take down >anything that is offensive to any specific group. >Jimbo: Is mistletoe offensive? >Mayor McDaniels: Is anyone offended by mistletoe? >One loser raises his hand. Tom (loser): I ate some damn mistletoe, got damn sick. So there. (Yes, eating mistloetoe really is poisonous) >Mayor McDaniels: Lose the mistletoe. > >[Bus Stop] >Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas. >Cartman: How do you know? >Stan: Cause I looked in my parents closet last night. >Cartman: Yeh, well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm >getting. The Ultra-Vibe Pleasure 2000. >Stan: What's that? Tom (Cartman): I dunno, an MP3 player? >Cartman: I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet. >Kyle walks up. >Kyle: Hello everybody. >Stan: What's in the box dude? Mike (Stan): Your dreidel? >Kyle: It's a surprise. >Cartman: Let me see! >Kyle: Oh, okay, but, but don't scare him. >Stan: Dude! Sick! >Cartman: Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?!? >Kenny: That is the sickest thing I've ever fuckin' seen. Tom (Kenny-mumble): Whoops, said the f-word... >Kyle: Wait, you guys, he's alive. >Stan: Kyle, I think you better get home and get some sleep. >Kyle: Come on! Dance! Dance!!! God Damn You! Crow: Seems to be a case of 'Michigan Frog' syndrome... > >[South Park Research Center] >Nerd: Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will >measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which >words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready? Here >we go. Christ. >Two persons lights go off. >Nerd: Hmm. Okay, chair. >Nothing happens. >Nerd: Hmm. Camel. >One persons lights go off. Tom (guy whose light goes off): Say that again and I'm gonna kill you. >Nerd: Hmm. Sand. >Nothing happens. >Nerd: Stupid wop dago. Crow (a la Eggo ad): Leggo my dago! >Everybody's lights go off. >Nerd: Huh, bench. > >[South Park Elementary School] >Mr. Garrison: Ohh, do you have to take the Christmas tree too? >Worker: Mayor's orders. >Mr. Garrison: Okay children, I'm really having a hard time with our >Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with >Jesus or Santa Claus. >Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother. Tom (Cartman): ... and a stupid mayor. >Kyle: Shut up Cartman! >Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas >songs? >Cartman raises his hand. Tom (Cartman): How about Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer? >Cartman: How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch, in D-minor?" Crow: How about you shut the hell up, Cartman? >Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch Cartman! >Cartman: Oh ho! [Signing]Wellll, Kyle's mom's a bitch! She a big fat bitch! >She's the biggest bitch In the whole wide world! She's a stupid bitch if >there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls! Tom: I've heard of saying 'I love you' in a song, but this is just friggin' ridiculous! >Kyle: Shut up Cartman! >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho! >Kyle: Mr. Hankey. >Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch! On Tuesday she's a bitch! And Wednesday >through Saturday she's a bitch! Then on Sunday just to be different she's a >super kinkamayamaya be-atch! >Mr. Hankey: Golly, that isn't very nice! Mike: Yeah, we agree! Crow: Another stanza of that bitch song and I'm gonna puke... >I'd sure like to teach him a lesson! >Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in >the whole wide world, she's a mean ole bitch and she has stupid hair, she's >a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch, >bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch! She's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch and >smells a dirty too. Kyle's mom, is a bitchhhhahhh. (Crow makes vomitting noises) >Mr. Hankey: Mmmmm. >Kyle: Mr. Hankey, no. >Mr. Hankey: Ahhhh! Tom: The general reaction this show. >Mr. Hankey dives at Cartman, hitting him in the face. >[Splat] (Crow makes more vomitting noises) >Mr. Garrison: What the?!? >[Gasp] >Cartman: Gross Kyle! >Mr. Garrison: Oh my lord Kyle! Did you just throw doodoo at Eric?!? Tom (Kyle): Well he deserved it! >Kyle: Uhhhh. >Cartman: You sick bastard!! >[Laughter] > >[Counselor's Office] >Counselor: Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh, I want to try and >help you confront your problem, 'kay. >Kyle: I don't have a problem! >Counselor: Well, it, it's my understanding that you, uh, mm, you have an >acute case of fecalphilia. >Kyle: What's that? Tom (Counselor): You're a big fan of potty humor. >Counselor: Well, uh, a fecalphiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie >stinks, Kyle. >Kyle: Mookie stinks? Tom: Eh, close enough. Crow (Kyle): Latrell stinks even worse! And when Jordan stinks, he stinks even worse than that. (referring to NBA players Latrell Sprewell and Mookie Blaylock) >Counselor: Now I also understand that you're Jewish, is that right Kyle? >Kyle: Well, not on purpose! >Counselor: So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being >Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of you? >Kyle: Well, sometimes. >Counselor: And that must make you mad. >Kyle: Well, sure. >Counselor: Mad enough to kill, Kyle? Mike (Kyle): Well, sure! Starting with you!... >[Dramatic Music] >Kyle: No dude! >Counselor: Oh, that's good. You see Kyle, sometimes we feel like an >outsider, we, we create friends, okay, in our minds, okay. >Kyle: But Mr. Hankey seems so real. >Counselor: Well of course he does. In, in your screwed up little head, he's >the only friend you have. Crow (Kyle): Well, what about those kids I hang out with? You don't call those friends? >He takes a sip of his coffee. >Mr. Hankey appears in his coffee, only Kyle sees him. >Mr. Hankey: Kyle. Howdy ho! >Counselor: Right now you're nuttier than chinese chicken salad, Tom (singing): You have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking. >okay. I >mean, you're one screwed up little kid, do you understand? >He takes another sip. >Mr. Hankey: [Singing]Santa's loaded up his sleigh soon he'll be on his merry >way... >Counselor: So try and stay positive, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and >in the meantime, I'm going to put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac? >He takes another sip, this time noticing a turd in his coffee. >Counselor: Uhh, oh my God, you sick little monkey! Mike: Counselor played by Brendan Frasier. (Star of Monkeybone) > >[Auditorium] > >Mr. Garrison: Okay children, we've just received word from the mayor that >the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend >people with epilepsy. Tom (Garrison): Get rid of the Pokemon stuff too... >Kids: Uhhh. >Mr. Garrison: So, Kenny, would you please go over and pull the light cords out of the wall? >[Dramatic Music] >Mr. Garrison: Careful now Kenny. Those are very, very dangerous. (Tom makes electric shock noises) Crow: Omigod, they killed Kenny! Mike: You bastards! >Kenny succesfully unplugs the lights. Tom: Huh? >Mr. Garrison: Ok, now let's practice our.... Mike (Garrison): Lap dance. >Counselor: No, get away from me! >Kyle: Here, just look more closely at it. >Counselor: No, go away! Stan, you need to do something about friend, okay. Tom (rapping): I just don't want him to do some crazy stuff, I seen this once in the news a couple of weeks ago that made me sick... (Part of the song Stan by Eminem) >Get him out of here before he hurts anybody, okay. > >[South Park Mental Hospital] >Stan: Hello, we need to commit our friend Kyle, please. >Receptionist: Reason. >Kyle: I'm a clincally depressed fecalphiliac on Prozac. >Receptionist: Any allergies? >Kyle: No. >Receptionist: Jacket! >Two goons come out and strap Kyle in. >Goons: Jacket, jacket, come with me ..... >Cartman: By Kyle, Happy Hannukuh. Tom: What the heck was that?... Mike: Oh, just some scene to set up the inevitable 'spring him out of the loony bin' scene. >[Cut to Commercial] > >[Auditorium] >Mr. Garrison: Ok children, does everybody have their leotards on? >Townsman: Good, it looks like they've taken the Christmas trees down. >Townswoman: Yes, and there's nothing Christian either. This should be great. Mike: Lemme see, a Christmas play, minus Nativity scene, minus Christmas trees... something tells me this could get ugly... >Sheila: Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play. I wish our little >Kyle were here to see it. > >[South Park Mental Hospital] >Kyle is in a padded cell. >Kyle: Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel >dreidel, with dreidel I will play, second verse same as the first, dreidel >dreidel dreidel I made you.... (Mike snores during the above song) > >[Auditorium] >Announcer: Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday.... >Townsman: Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage; that's very offensive >to non-Christians. >Jimbo: Oh, come on.... >Townsman: Hey! Don't push your beliefs on me buddy. Mike (Townsman): Yeah, like whattaya think that bitch's been doing all day?! >Mr. Marsh: I agree. >Mr. Garrison: Oh brother. Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take >down the star above the stage? And be careful not to fall in that little >pool below you Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there. >Shot of shark swimming in the tank. >Kenny: Huh?!? >[Dramatic Music] Mike: Preferably 'Deepest Blue-est'. (LL Cool J, from Deep Blue Sea) > >Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the South Park Elementary >Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a >non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef. Tom (Isaac Hayes, who's the voice of Chef): Who's the black private dick that's the sex machine to all the chicks? All: Shaft! > >Throughout Chef's song Kenny is on the ladder trying to get the star down. > >Chef: I'm gonna lay you down by the yule log, I'm gonna love you right. Baby >I'm gonna deck your halls and silent your night. You'll hear the hair of >angels sing when I'm sliding off your bra. I just can't wait to jingle your >bells and fa la la your love. You can break my heart if that means we can >make love, cause if we don't. Mike: Man, this is so un-Hayes like... Tom: Heck, even Aguilera's Christmas song was less denominational. N'Sync's, even. >Stan: Wish Kyle was here, it just doesn't seem right without him. >Cartman: Well, ole Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it. >Mr. Garrison: Okay kids, get ready to take your places. >[Cheering] > >Announcer: Thank you chef. >Kenny has successfully retrieved the star. Tom: And I repeat myself... Huh? >Kenny: Whew. >Announcer: And now, South Park Elementary presents The Happy Non-Offensive, >Non-Denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by Tom: Marhsall Mathers? Crow: Justin Timberlake? Mike: Britney Spears? >New York >minimalist composer Philip Glass. Mike: Huh? >The kids are in green leotards dancing about strangely. >Philip: As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes. (happy, >happy, happy, everybody's happy). How like a turtle the sun looks.... >Sheila: What the hell is this?!? Tom: Yeah... what the hell is this? >Music: (happy) Mike: Audience: (displeased) >Sheila: This is horrible! Crow: You said it, pal! Tom: And suddenly, it's ripping off 'The Hughleys'... only in reverse. (An ep of this sitcom saw a school play that wasn't even nearly about Christmas, due to non-denominational policies, get turned into a real Christmas play at the Hughleys' place) >Priest: This is the most godawful piece of crap I've ever seen. >Mr. Garrison: Hey, you're the ones whoe made it this way. >Priest: Yeh, it's because the Jew said it couldn't be Christian. >Mr. Broslofski: It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus. >Tree Hugger: All you bastards ruined Christmas! Crow: Yeah, like we didn't figure that out before! >Jimbo: Get him in the ribs! >Priest: Ooooh. >Townsman: Damn treehugger! >Stan: This sucks dude. This is like the worst Christmas I've ever seen. >Wendy: Yehhh. All: Yeah, we agree... >[Screaming] > >Chef: Say, where's Kyle? >Stan: We committed him. >Chef: What? Why? >Cartman: Cause, he kept on seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo >everywhere that he went. >Chef: Christmas poo? You, you mean Mr. Hankey. >Stan: Huh? Uh oh. Tom (Stan): You're goin' to the goddamn institution too, Chef... >Sheila takes out Mr. Broslofski with a chair. Tom (Sheila): This chair's gonna be perfect for our home, don't you think?... >The fighting continues. >[Cut to Commercial] > >This is a live action commercial for Mr. Hankey. Tom: What the hell are they doin' givin' us an ad?! Mike: How 'bout padding the time until they REALLY take a break? >Mom: Say kids, why the long faces? >Brother: We're bored. >Sister: There's nothing to do. Crow (Sister): Except making fun of cheapo scifi... and that's getting boring already. >Mom: Well, maybe this will help. >Sister: Yehhh! >Brother: Mr. Hankey Construction set. >[Music starts] >Announcer: That's right kids, now you can make your very own Mr. Hankey. >Just use this special Fecal Fishing Net and select your best Mr. Hankey. >Sister: That one! Mike: Now THIS is a disturbing image... >Announcer: Then use the hand-crafted Hankey stand to add whatever eyes, >mouth and hats you want. >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho! >Brother: I made a Mariachi Mr. Hankey. >Sister: Now it's a Mrs. Hankey. >Brother: Let's put the fez hat on him. >Sister: I wish daddy was still alive. >[Music stops] Tom: What, he drowned cleaning a sewage tank or something? >Announcer: Mr. Hankey play set comes with everything seen here. Crow: Hey! It's not like we can see this... >Mom: Hey, where's Mr. Hankey. >Shot of baby eating what was Mr. Hankey. Tom: Tonight on Fear Factor... >Music: [Singing]Mr. Hankey Play Set. >[Laughter] >Mom: I love you sweetheart. >Sister: I love you too. >[Cut to Commercial] (Crow makes more vomitting noises) Mike: Relax, we only got a couple more scenes to go... > >[Auditorium] >The fighting continues. >Stan: This is horrible, Mike: You said it, pal! >everybody's fighting Tom: Good thing it's a Saturday night... >and my best friend's in an >institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey. Tom (Stan): And you know what... it's all good! Crow: Hold it a sec... It's just Kyle and the Chef. It's not like *everyone* knows that turd is real... Mike: Let it go, Crow, there's LOADS of stuff here that don't make sense... >Chef: Well, you can believe in him now. >[Screaming] Crow: I'd scream too if more guys believed in this turd... >Stan: I believe. Mike (Stan): ...that you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic. >[Music starts] >Wendy: I believe in Mr. Hankey. (True to his word, Crow screams) >Mr. Hankey jumps out of a box on stage >Mr. Hankey: Howdy Ho! >Stan: Huh?!? >Mr. Hankey: Say folks, gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery. Tom (Stan): You probably say that to everyone... >Stan: Whoa. >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho Chef. >Chef: Howdy ho Mr. Hankey. >Cartman: Ok, that does it, screw you guys I'm going home. Talking poo is >where I draw the line. >Mr. Hankey: What's all the ruckus? >Chef: I'm glad you're here Mr. Hankey, the whole town is about to kill each >other. >Mr. Hankey: I reckon this could be a job for, Mr. Hankey. Tom: Is it just me, or did that sound really crappy? >The fighting continues. >[Whistle] >Mr. Hankey: Stop fightin'! >Mayor McDaniels: Oh my God!! What the hell is that thing?!? >Mr. Hankey: Come on gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the >things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Mike: Wow, the turd's actually got a point... >Don't you see, this is the one time of year we're supposed to forget all the >bad stuff. Stop worryin' and being sad the state of the world, and for just >one day say "ahh, the heck with it, Crow: Let's rob a casino? (Like in 'Reindeer Games') >let's sing and dance, and bake cookies." Crow: Oh, OK. Tom: And to think this is coming from a turd... >Kyle's father begins clapping >Mr. Broslofski: Yeh. >Soon the whole crowd is clapping and cheering. >Stan: Dude, Mike: ...where's my car? >this is pretty fucked up right here. Mike (Stan): Whoops, said the f-word... > >[Kyle's Padded Cell] >Kyle: I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew. >Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho Kyle! >Kyle: Oh no! I'm not sane yet. >Mr. Hankey: I brought some friends with me. >Kyle: Friends? (All do opening bars of 'Friends' theme) > >[Outside the Mental Hospital] >Crowd: Merry Christmas Kyle Broslofski! >Kyle: You mean you can see him?!? I'm not crazy?!? >Kyle is let out of his cell and runs outside to join the crowd. All (singing): I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy, thinking of you... (Nsync video Drive Myself Crazy takes place at a loony bin) >Crowd: [Singing]Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me, I love you, >therefore vicariously he loves you, even if you're a Jew. >Townsman: [Singing]Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be >brown or greenish-brown. But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might >come to your town. Tom: What a lame song... Mike: Told ya it'd be a recurring theme... >Crowd: Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me, I love you, he loves you! >Mr. Hankey: Well, I've got a long night ahead of me. Bye and Merry Christmas! >Cartman: Goodbye Mr. Hankey. Bring me lots of presents, I always believed in >you. >Santa: Howdy ho ho ho! Tom (Santa): Hankey, don't splatter yourself on me like you did last year, OK?... >Stan: You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are >okay, and that Hannakuh can be okay. Mike (Stan): As long as we don't burn each other with the menorah... >Kyle: Yeh. >Stan: You know, it seems like something is still not right. >Cartman: Yeh, something feels...unfinished. >Kyle: Well, what could it be? Crow (Kyle): Oh, silly me. We haven't finished our play... Mike: Well, how about that THEY DIDN'T KILL KENNY! >The End appears on the screen. >Kenny: Woohoohoo. (All mock Kenny's 'woohoohoo') >[fin] > >[On the set of Jesus and Pals] >Jesus: Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me. >Jesus blows out the candles. Mike (high sarcasm): Oh let's not forget THIS guy...! >[Really, fin] Tom (Cartman): Screw you guys, let's get outta here... (all leave the theater, reverse door sequence, back to bridge) Mike: So? Tom: This was worse than 'Manos'... (Mike came on after Manos, so:) Mike: That would be...? Crow: A film that's lamer than 'Plan 9'. Mike: Whoa... Tom: Anyway, this stinker had everything that's bad... disrespect for religion, disrespect for other people's beliefs, portraying a turd as a CHARACTER albeit a wise one for crying out loud. I could go on ad nauseum... Crow: More like Add Nausea... (vomits once again) Tom: Those bastards didn't even kill Kenny... Mike: Well, we've made it through and we're all just fine now... Hey, someone's calling... (Hexfield: Trey Parker) Mike: First things first... Who are you? Trey (bouncing a 'BASEketball'): The name's Trey Parker. Crow: Oh, one of the creators of 'South Park'... So, how did you make this overly profane show? Trey (shooting the ball offscreen): We did a couple of animated films using cardboard cutouts, one about a rogue snowman and another about Christmas, using our own voices to dub... After the shorts became 'popular', we started work on making the shorts into a series. This time we used computer animation... but we did it so it retained the 'cardboard' look. Tom: Anyways, I've heard that you do sooo many voices for the show, examples, Stan, Eric Cartman, Mr. Garrison, some guy named Mr. Mackey, and that turd Mr. Hankey... Trey: Yep, we've drawn so much flak over him... Tom: Don't you get sore throats? Trey: Like, we get our prescriptions filled every other month over this... Crow: Speaking of flak, I've read that you've lost so many fans over an April Fools' Day show. What about that? Trey: In February of '98 we ended the first season on a cliffhanger concerning the identity of Eric's daddy... We promised the resolution on April Fools' Day, but as to play a joke on cliffhanger TV, we did a show all about Terrance and Philip instead. Mike: Who are...? Trey: Let's just say auxiliary characters... Anyways, even though we got a kick out of it, some fans got angered... Heck, we even had to move the resolution up a couple of weeks... It was horrible... And to add insult to injury, some people got pissed over the resolution... Guess you can't please everyone... Tom: I've also read that you've aged them for the 4th season and added 'the 4th grade years' to the title. Why? Trey: Well, since 'The Simpsons' and 'Rugrats' seem to use non-aging as their very mantra, we decided to try something different. Tom: I've also heard that you've done so much stuff... Trey: Yep, ranging from a sport's inventor to a performer in musical about cannibals... Heck, we even cameoed in a film called 'Time Code'... so called because the film had a camcorder time code all over it... Mike: Y'know, Letterman once said that one of the signs your film won't do good at the box office is that it 'has the time code from the camcorder'. Trey: Well, yeah... It really didn't do good... Mike: Last thoughts over these Peanuts on acid? Trey: Yeah... we make the Rugrats look clean by comparison. Look, I have to get back to work, there's so much I have to do... Mike: Good luck on that... (closes Hexfield) Crow: Wow, his last name ain't "Farrelly", but given how good he is at dispensing potty humor, he's probably gonna get good money out of it... Mike (Rowan Atkinson): Well, comedy is like a half eaten sweet... it's no longer the same... (back to normal) Might as well check with the Mads... (Back to Dr. Forrester, with vomitting noises in the background) Forrester: Well, I trusted that you 'enjoyed' it... I know I did... Crow: Uh, where's Frank? (There's a sound of a flushing toilet, Frank comes out) Frank: Yuck... even I had a problem stomaching that one... Heck, I can still feel it in my system... (runs off, apparently to vomit some more) Forrester: Well, let's wrap things up... Till next week guys... (presses button) (closing creds) Thanks to: Trey Parker and Matt Stone for taking potty humor to a new level. Best Brains and Sci-Fi Channel for giving us the inspiration to MST. Everyone who's been reading this. Stinger: >Instead of Silent Night I'm singing who hack do ga veesh.