Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 1, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. Author's Note: This MiSTing is just something I thought would be a fun project. I have nothing but the highest amount of respect for both MST3K and the Star Wars trilogy, and this work is intended as nothing more than a loving, sappy, drippy tribute to both. It may be distributed freely, as long as nothing (including this paragraph) is modified in any way, and no money (HA!) is charged for copies. This script features the characters of MST3K's late-fifth/early-sixth season, which is my favorite cast: Dr. F and Frank are still here, Mike has taken over as the host, and Pearl has not yet made an appearance; still, I've taken a few liberties. Mike and the Bots make references to some MST events (like Mike's wanton destruction of planets) which hadn't yet happened at the time this episode is set. My response to this is: it's just a script. You should really just relax. Thanks and Hi Keeba, -JB -------------------------------- MST3K THEME SONG (LATE FIFTH SEASON), FOLLOWED BY THE DOORWAY SEQUENCE. INT: BRIDGE OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE - OUTER SPACE. Tom Servo, Crow and Gypsy are typing on word processors (or at least we hear typing sounds, even though their arms aren't moving). Tom sings 'Paperback Writer' softly to himself as he writes. Mike Nelson, wearing a big button that says 'Judge', wanders from one computer to the next, observing what each Bot is typing. He points to Servo's screen. MIKE: Typo there, Tom. SERVO: Whoops. Thanks. Mike looks up and sees that Cambot is filming. MIKE: Oh hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and behind me are the Bots. We just read a press release saying Star Wars is being reissued in movie theaters with all new scenes and special effects, and it really excited us. To celebrate, the Bots thought they'd have a contest to see who could write the best "Special Edition" version of another classic film. He turns to the Bots. MIKE: So who'd like to go first? GYPSY: Oh, me! Me! Meeeeeeeeeeee! MIKE: Okay, Gypsy. Now, which movie did you choose to update? GYPSY: Ooo! I chose the film Casablanca. MIKE: Excellent choice, Gypsy! Like Star Wars, Casablanca is a huge part of American pop culture. So what did you change? GYPSY: Well, I took out all the scenes with that Humphrey Bogart fellow. He scares me. MIKE: Uhm. Well gee, Gypsy... he *is* the star of the film. He appears in most of the scenes... GYPSY: Right! So after I took all of them out, I had plenty of room left to add new footage. MIKE: Hmm. What did you add? GYPSY [excited]: Home movies of Richard Basehart! MIKE: Ah. Hmm. GYPSY: Plus, I updated some of the dialogue. [She clears her throat and reads]: 'Play it again, Basehart.' And 'This could be the start of a beautiful Richard.' And 'We'll always have Richard Basehart...' [She is about to continue when Mike interrupts.] MIKE: I think we get the idea. Thanks, Gypsy. GYPSY [dreamily]: Ooo, Richard Basehart... Mike walks over to Tom Servo. MIKE: Okay, Tom. Show us what you've been working on. SERVO: Well Mike, I've always been disappointed with Steven Spielburg's 1975 film, Jaws. Sure, it may have been scary when it first came out, but audiences today are jaded. We feel hollow and empty unless we get to see mind-numbing special effects. MIKE: Which you're providing with your new script? SERVO: Precisely. In Jaws: The Special Edition, I've equipped the shark with torpedoes and nuclear missiles, and also given him the ability to shapeshift. MIKE: Wow! Very creative, Tom. SERVO [continuing]: His skin is made of helium-lined titanium, so it's impenetrable yet buoyant. MIKE: Great! Well, thanks... SERVO: And of course, he's been upgraded to a V6 engine with full anti-lock brakes, cruise control and CD changer! MIKE: Yes, yes. Thank... SERVO: I added a speech module, so he's capable of hurling insults if he's attacked, and his brain is greater than that of ten Einsteins! Mike gives up trying to talk to Servo and walks over to Crow. We can faintly hear Tom continuing to talk about his changes to the shark's design. He apparently hasn't noticed that Mike has left. MIKE: Crow? CROW: Well Mike, I chose a more contemporary film to update. MIKE: Oh? Which movie is that? CROW: The First Wives' Club. MIKE: Huh? Crow, you've gotta be kidding! That was a *lousy* film. CROW: I know, but my script changes have made it better. MIKE: Well, that wouldn't be hard. [He looks through Crow's manuscript.] Wait a minute, Crow... all these pages are blank! CROW: Exactly. Don't you agree my script is better than the one they shot the original movie from? MIKE: [thinks, then realises Crow is right] Wow, great work, Crow! [He takes a blue ribbon from his pocket and sticks it on Crow's chest.] First prize. Mike walks back over to Tom. MIKE: Tom, Crow won the contest. Would you like to congratulate him? SERVO [continuing]: And my favorite part is, I replaced the shark's eyes with antimatter lasers, so they can blast through any boat pursuing him. And another great feature is... The commercial sign light flashes. MIKE: Not a minute too soon. We'll be right back. He hits the button. We have several commercials advertising the Special Edition of the Star Wars trilogy. The final commercial is another installment in the exciting adventures of "Manos: The Freshmaker!" As we come back from commercial sign, Servo continues to drone on and on. Gypsy is "asleep" (her flashlight-eye is off), and Mike and Crow aren't doing much better. SERVO [continuing]: And I haven't even gotten to the cool stuff yet. The shark is psychic, so he KNOWS if you're coming after him! And if you come after him anyway, he bills your credit card $3.99 a minute! Of course, the first ten minutes are free... The Mads' light flashes. MIKE [waking up]: Hang on, Tom. Lady Elaine and Henrietta Pussycat are calling. [He hits the button.] INT: DEEP 13 - DARK AND DINGY. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing in the lab of Deep 13. Cut back and forth between Deep 13 and the Satellite of Love during this conversation. DR. F: Ah, hello Mike. So, you and your little piles of plastic like the idea of "Special Editions" of classic films, do you? MIKE: Well, sure. I mean, added footage can only HELP a film, right? SERVO: What about a special edition version of Manos? Crow screams at the idea. Mike, who didn't join the show until after 'Manos', looks confused. Dr. F laughs evilly. Frank's eyes grow wide with horror at the mere mention of the word 'Manos', and he collapses to the floor in the fetal position, sucking his thumb. DR. F: Frank? [He bends down.] Are you dead again? [Dr. F shrugs.] Oh well, no matter. Well, booby, I'm about to show you just how bad a special edition can be! But first, the invention exchange. MIKE: Okay. Our invention this week pays homage to the Star Wars mania sweeping the United States. It combines the light- sabers used by Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader with my favorite candy, Life Savers! The result? Mike pulls what looks like a flashlight from his pocket. CROW: The Lifesaber! Mike presses a button on the flashlight-device. Immediately a beam of colorful candy extends itself from the handle. Mike waves it about, and Cambot provides "lightsaber" noises as Mike does so. CROW: The lifesaber allows you to generate candy no matter where you are, thanks to its small, convenient package. Runs on 300 'C' batteries. Not for use by children under 75. SERVO: Whaddya think, Sirs? DR. F: An interesting concept, my little marsupials. But let me show you how true creative genius works! [Frank has stumbled to his feet in the interim and once again stands beside the Doctor.] To keep the Star Wars motif going, let's think about the classic scene where Luke encounters the Imperial Stormtroopers as he drives into Mos Eisley. If you recall, Obi-Wan uses the Force [Dr. F waves his fingers mystically in the air], and the guards let them pass without incident. FRANK: That's why we've invented... Force in the Box! [Frank picks up a large box from the floor and sits it on the table.] First of all, it comes with this nifty 'Force Transmission Helmet' [he pulls out a large helmet, which looks like a 1950s-era hair-dryer with cardboard knobs and a radio antenna, and puts it on]. Then, we take out the trusty 'Force Transmission Microphone' [he takes a microphone from the box]. By wearing the helmet and talking into the mike, you can control the mind of anyone in the near vicinity. [Frank peers at Dr. Forrester intently and speaks into the mike.] Steeeeeeeve! You will do my bidding. Make me a sandwich! Dr. F looks at Frank for several seconds, then reaches over and slaps him with a rolled-up newspaper. He rips the microphone from Frank's hands. DR. F: Will you GIVE ME THAT? [Frank scampers away. Dr. F turns back to the camera.] It's funny that both of our inventions were Star Wars-related, my little Goomba, since that's your movie this week. MIKE [excited]: What? We're going to watch Star Wars? That's GREAT! Thanks, Doctor Forrester! Servo and Crow exclaim 'Oh Boy's and 'Yay's, etc. DR. F: Oh, don't thank me yet, my little consolation prize. You see, this isn't the classic version of Star Wars that we all know and love. Oh no. You'll be watching [dramatic pause] the new SPECIAL EDITION version of the film. [evil laugh] That's right, Mike. Pointless scenes restored for absolutely no reason whatsoever! I'm talking about Jabba the Hutt, and more shallow character development involving Luke Skywalker, wimp of the Galaxy. Enjoy the film... if you can! Frank appears behind Dr. F, still wearing the helmet and holding a new microphone. FRANK [into the mike]: Steeeeeeeeeeeeeve..... Dr. F throws the camera a "Why me?" look and pushes the button. On the SoL, lights flash and alarms blare. MIKE AND THE BOTS: Aaaa! We got movie sign! Everyone runs around frantically. Mike hits the button, and we see the doorway sequence. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Mike and the Bots enter the theater. > A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away... MIKE [as he sits down]: I hope this doesn't hurt too much, guys. > STAR WARS CROW: Your complete strategic defense system. > Episode IV: A NEW HOPE > A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main titles. > War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity: > It is a period of civil war. SERVO [Southern voice]: The south will rise again, boys! > Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory > against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed > to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, MIKE: The super-soaker. > the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an > entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia > races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save SERVO: Her hair-do. > her people and restore freedom to the galaxy... > The awesome yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse. A tiny > silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of > the ship, races through space. MIKE: And now, another episode of Pigs in Spaaaaaaaaaaaace... > It is pursed by a giant Imperial Stardestroyer. Hundreds of deadly > laserbolts streak from the Imperial Stardestroyer, causing the main solar > fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate. An explosion rocks the ship as two > robots, Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO) struggle to make their > way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. > THREEPIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be > destroyed for sure. This is madness! > Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main > passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door. CROW [as the troopers]: Freeze, door! > THREEPIO: We're doomed! There'll be no escape for the Princess this time. > The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast > opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored > spacesuited stormtroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. [Mike and the Bots make coughing sounds. Mike waves his hands, as if trying to clear the air.] > Threepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Artoo is nowhere in > sight. > THREEPIO: Artoo! Artoo-Detoo, where are you? > A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio's attention and he spots little > Artoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. CROW [as C-3PO]: Artoo! I've told you, no pot smoking whilst you're on duty! > A beautiful young girl stands in front of Artoo. She finishes adjusting > something on Artoo's computer face, then watches as the little robot joins > his companion. > THREEPIO: At last! Where have you been? SERVO [as R2D2]: Well, I nipped away for a quick bite to eat, then took a majestic sight-seeing tour of this quadrant, followed by tea and crumpets. [angrily] I'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK, GOLDEN BOY? > THREEPIO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll > be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows what! > Artoo scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway. Threepio > chases after him. > THREEPIO: Wait a minute, where are you going? SERVO [as R2D2]: To play hopscotch and tap dance. Stop asking stupid questions! > Artoo responds with electronic beeps. > The evil Darth Vader stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. > He grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck. MIKE [as the Rebel Officer]: Hey, that feels great! My neck has been hurting all morning! SERVO: Dark Chiropractor of the Sith. > IMPERIAL OFFICER: The Death Star plans are not in the main computer. > Vader squeezes the neck of the Rebel Officer, who struggles in vain. > VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? > Vader lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat. CROW [as the Rebel Officer]: Ahhh! Now the back pain I've been feeling is fading, too. Can I recommend you to my friends? Do you have a card? > VADER: What have you done with those plans? > REBEL OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a consular > ship. We're on a diplomatic mission. > VADER: If this is a consular ship...where is the Ambassador? > The Rebel refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins > to squeeze the officer's throat. Vader tosses the dead soldier > against the wall. MIKE [as the Rebel Officer]: Ah, and now my spine just untangled itself! I haven't felt this good in months! Thank you, Dr. Vader. > VADER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and > bring me the Ambassador. I want SERVO: A pony. > her alive! > The stormtroopers scurry into the subhallways. > The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the stormtroopers search > through the ship. She is Princess Leia Organa, a member of the Alderaan > Senate. One of the troopers spots her. > TROOPER: There she is! Stun her! CROW [as a trooper]: Shall I drop my pants, sir? > Leia steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her laser > pistol. She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers > inspect her inert body. SERVO [as a trooper]: Just as I thought. Her hair is made entirely of cinnamon buns. > TROOPER: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner. CROW [screaming]: LORD VADER!!! WE HAVE A PRISONER!!! MIKE [as the Trooper]: *I* could've done that. > Artoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the > seal on the main latch. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the > cramped four-man pod. > THREEPIO: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. CROW: All rights reserved. > You'll be deactivated for sure.. > Artoo beeps something to him. > THREEPIO: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of > grease! Now come out before somebody sees you. > Artoo whistles something at his reluctant friend. > THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? SERVO [as C3PO]: What script? > What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there! > Artoo isn't happy with Threepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs > angrily. A new explosion, this time very close. Threepio joins Artoo in > the pod. > THREEPIO: I'm going to regret this. ALL: Shut up! > On the main viewscreen of the Star Destroyer, the lifepod carrying the two > terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft. > CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one. > CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. CROW [as the Chief Pilot]: But I'll burn my hand, sir. > There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited. > In the lifepod, Artoo and Threepio look out at the receding Imperial > starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy. > THREEPIO: That's funny, SERVO [deadpan]: Ha ha. > the damage doesn't look as bad from out here. Are you sure this thing's > safe? > Artoo beeps reassuringly. > THREEPIO: Oh. > Princess Leia is led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored > stormtroopers. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Vader emerges from > the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, > but she doesn't move. MIKE [as Leia]: Hi! Are you that great chiropractor I've heard so much about? > LEIA: Lord Vader, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The > Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've > attacked a diplomatic... > VADER: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. SERVO [as Vader]: Unless it's Star Wars Monopoly. > You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a > restricted system. CROW: All rights reserved. > Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. MIKE: Beamed? Wait a minute, is this Star *Wars* or Star *Trek*? CROW [as Scotty]: Cap'n! I kinna take much more of this confusion! SERVO [as Capt. Kirk]: Use the Force, Scotty. > I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you. > LEIA: I don't know what you're talking about. MIKE [as Leia]: I didn't read the script. > I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan... > VADER: You're a part of the Rebel Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away! CROW: Get the Calgon. > Leia is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted > in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Vader. SERVO [as the Commander]: Do you do massages in addition to chiropractor work? > COMMANDER: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could > generate sympathy for the CROW: Devil? SERVO [singing]: Please allow me to introduce myself... > Rebellion in the senate. > VADER: I have traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to > find their secret base! MIKE: We've already found their secret treble and midrange. > COMMANDER: She'll die before she tells you anything. > VADER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the senate > that all aboard were killed! > Another Imperial Officer approaches Vader and the Commander. > SECOND OFFICER: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this > ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned > during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard. > Vader turns to the Commander. CROW [as Vader]: Hi. > VADER: She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment > down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be > no one to stop us this time. > COMMANDER: Yes, sir. SERVO [as the Second Officer]: Uh... so, like, am I done now? [Commercial break] --END PART 1--