Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 2, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > On the desert planet Tatooine, the two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds > of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the > desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the > sand. > THREEPIO: How did I get into this mess? SERVO [as Threepio]: I really *must* fire my travel agent. > I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life. > Artoo answers with beeping sounds. > THREEPIO: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. CROW: Frozen... despite the fact that they're on a desert planet. > THREEPIO: What a desolate place this is. > Suddenly Artoo whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the > direction of the rocky desert mesas. Threepio stops and yells at him. > THREEPIO: Where are you going? > Artoo beeps. > THREEPIO: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is > much easier. > Artoo counters with a long whistle. MIKE [as R2D2]: Shut up, you pansy! > THREEPIO: What makes you think there are settlements over there? CROW [as R2D2]: The large sign that says "Settlements: This Way"? > THREEPIO: Don't get technical with me. > Artoo continues to make beeping sounds. > THREEPIO: What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about > enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile! > Threepio gives the little robot a kick and starts off in the direction of > the vast dune sea. MIKE: Frank Herbert? Are you here? > THREEPIO: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because > you won't get it. > Artoo's reply is a rather rude sound. SERVO [as R2D2]: I'd like to extend a formal invitation for you to SHUT UP! > He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas. > THREEPIO: No more adventures. I'm not going that way. > Artoo beeps to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains. > Later we see Threepio, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a > dune; only to find more dunes, which seem to go on forever. MIKE [singing]: I can see for miles and miles... > He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas. > THREEPIO: That malfunctioning little twerp. SERVO: Oh, is Pauly Shore on this planet? > This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no > better. > His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance > reveals an object moving towards him. > THREEPIO: Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! CROW: I've found Jesus! > The bronze android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport. > THREEPIO: Over here! Help! Please, help! > Artoo walks between a small group of mesas in the desert. As he continues > on his way, a pebble tumbles down. MIKE [as the pebble]: Watch out for falling 'me'. > A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of > eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the narrow path. The > unsuspecting robot waddles along the rugged trail [Crow hums the Torgo theme as Artoo waddles.] > until suddenly, out of nowhere, a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the > rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow. He manages one short electronic > squeak before he topples over onto his back. His bright computer lights > flicker off, then on, then off again. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: Ya know, treating your R2 unit like that is a good way to void the warrenty. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Oh, you're absolutely right, Ethel. It's bad for the paint job, too. CROW [Minnesota voice]: Oh yes indeedy, Mabel. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: Heavens yes. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Mmm-hmm. > Out of the rocks scurry three Jawas, no taller than Artoo. SERVO: It's the Lollipop Guild! > They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their glowing > eyes can be seen. They hiss and make odd guttural sounds as they heave the > heavy robot onto their shoulders and carry him off down the trail. ALL [as the Jawas, singing]: Ding dong, the witch is dead... > The eight Jawas carry Artoo out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle > the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Artoo > and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the > little robot is sucked into the giant machine. [Mike and the Bots make absurdly disgusting "sucking" noises]. > It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler. Artoo switches on a > small floodlight on his forehead. CROW: Looks like Artoo's a little "light-headed!" Get it, Mike? [Mike sighs.] > He lets out a pathetic electronic whimper and stumbles off toward what > appears to be a door at the end of the chamber. SERVO [as R2D2]: At last! A bathroom! > Artoo enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling. A voice of recognition > calls out from the gloom. > THREEPIO: Artoo-Detoo! It's you! It's you! > A battered Threepio scrambles up to Artoo and embraces him. MIKE [as C3PO]: Darling! > In the Tatooine desert, four Imperial stormtroopers mill about in front of > the half-buried lifepod that brought Artoo and Threepio to Tatooine. A > trooper yells to an officer some distance away. A second trooper picks a > small bit of metal out of the sand and gives it to the first trooper. > SECOND TROOPER: Look, sir -- SERVO [as the Second Trooper]: I made a sand castle! > droids! > The Sandcrawler moves slowly down a great sand dune. Threepio and Artoo > noisily bounce along inside the cramped prison chamber. Artoo appears to > be shut off. > THREEPIO: Wake up! Wake up! MIKE [as C3PO]: I want some sweet lovin'. > Suddenly the shaking and bouncing of the Sandcrawler stops, creating quite > a commotion among the mechanical men. Threepio's fist bangs the head of > Artoo, SERVO: Ah, they're headbanging. MIKE: Well, there's certainly enough heavy metal in this shot. [Servo and Crow groan]. > whose computer lights pop on as he begins beeping. At the far end of the > long chamber a hatch opens, filling the chamber with blinding white light. > THREEPIO: We're doomed. Will this never end? > The Jawas mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, > including Artoo and Threepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, parked > beside a small homestead. The Jawas scurry around, fussing over the > robots, straightening them up or brushing some dust from a dented metallic > elbow. The shrouded little creatures smell horribly, attracting small > insects to the dark areas where their mouths and nostrils should be. ALL [singing]: Eyes without a face... > Out of the shadows of a dingy side-building limps Owen Lars and his nephew, > Luke Skywalker. MIKE [as Luke]: Hi! I'm Wormie. > One of the Jawas walks ahead of the farmer spouting an animated sales pitch > in a queer, unintelligible language. A voice calls out from one of the > huge holes that form the homestead. Luke goes over to the edge and sees his > Aunt Beru standing in the main courtyard. > BERU: Luke, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks > Bocce. CROW [shouting, as Luke]: Huh? Make sure it eats broccoli? > LUKE: It looks like we don't have much of a choice but I'll remind him. > Luke returns to his uncle as they look over the equipment for sale with > the Jawa leader. CROW [as Luke]: Aunt Beru said to make sure it screams 'Chachi,' Uncle Owen. > OWEN: I have no need for a protocol droid. > THREEPIO: (quickly) Sir -- not in an environment such as this -- that's why > I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that... SERVO [as Owen]: Are you programmed to SHUT UP? > OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of > moisture vaporators. > THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir -- My first job was programming binary load > lifters...very similar to your vaporators in most respects. > OWEN: Do you speak Bocce? MIKE [as C3PO]: Well, I took a couple of years in high school... > THREEPIO: Of course I can, sir. It's like a second language for me...I'm as > fluent in Bocce... > OWEN: All right shut up! (turning to Jawa) I'll take this one. > THREEPIO: Shutting up, sir. ALL: Thank you! [They all cheer.] > OWEN: Luke, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to have > both of them cleaned up before dinner. > LUKE: But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters... CROW [as Luke]: Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! > OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now > come on, get to it! > LUKE: All right, come on! And the red one, come on. Well, come on, Red, > let's go. > As the Jawas start to lead the three remaining robots back into the > Sandcrawler, Artoo lets out a pathetic little beep and starts after his > old friend Threepio. He is restrained by a slimy Jawa, who zaps him with a > control box. Owen is negotiating with the head Jawa. SERVO [as Owen]: And I can get it all for six easy payments of $29.95? > Luke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the > head of the red astro-droid. > LUKE: Uncle Owen... > OWEN: Yeah? CROW [as Luke]: My diaper's sagging. > LUKE: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look! SERVO [as Luke]: He's not motivated! > OWEN: (to the head Jawa) Hey, what're you trying to push on us? > The Jawa goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Artoo has sneaked out of line > and is moving up and down trying to attract attention. He lets out with a > low whistle. Threepio taps Luke on the shoulder. MIKE [as C3PO]: Hey, Wormie. > THREEPIO: (pointing to Artoo) Excuse me, sir, but that R2 unit is in prime > condition. A real bargain. > LUKE: Uncle Owen... > OWEN: Yeah? SERVO [as Luke]: I just like saying "Uncle Owen". > LUKE: What about that one? > OWEN: (to Jawa) What about that blue one? We'll take that one. > With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged astro-droid > for Artoo. > LUKE: Yeah, take it away. > THREEPIO: Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. He > really is in first-class condition. I've worked with him before. Here > he comes. ALL [singing]: Walking down the street... Gettin' the funniest looks from... > Owen pays off the whining Jawa as Luke and the two robots trudge off toward > the grimy homestead. > LUKE: Okay, let's go. CROW [to Mike]: Is he talking to us? Is it time to leave the theater? MIKE: Almost. > Threepio lowers himself into a large tub filled with warm oil. > THREEPIO: Thank the maker! This oil bath is going to feel so good. I've got > such a bad case of dust contamination, I can barely move! > Artoo beeps a muffled reply. Luke seems to be lost in thought. Suddenly > his frustrations get the better of him and he slams a wrench across the > workbench. CROW [as Luke]: Waaaaaaaaah! > LUKE: It just isn't fair. Oh, Biggs is right. I'm never gonna get out of > here! > THREEPIO: Is there anything I might do to help? > LUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or > teleport me off this rock! SERVO [as C3PO]: Perhaps if you upgrade me to Windows 95... > THREEPIO: I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable > about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, > I'm not even sure which planet I'm on. > LUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet > that it's farthest from. > THREEPIO: I see, sir. > LUKE: Uh, you can call me Luke. > THREEPIO: I see, sir Luke. CROW: Sir Luke, the Wimpy Knight! > LUKE: (laughing) Just Luke. > THREEPIO: And I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations, and this is my > counterpart, Artoo-Detoo. > LUKE: Hello. > Artoo beeps in response. MIKE [as R2D2]: Yo. > Luke unplugs Artoo and begins to scrape several connectors on the robot's > head with a chrome pick. MIKE: C'mon, guys, let's get out of here. [Mike and the Bots leave the theater. Doorway sequence.] -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* INT: BRIDGE OF THE SATELLITE OF LOVE - OUTER SPACE. MIKE: And so we've just met the movie's main character, Luke Skywalker. SERVO: He sure complains a lot, doesn't he? [imitating the young, whiny Luke Skywalker]: Waaaah! I wish Biggs was here. Waaaah! Biggs was right, I'll never get off Tatooine. Waaaah! My diaper is all wet and squooshy. Waaaah! CROW: Well, I like Biggs. He brings a maturity to the film that's really a switch from Luke's constant whining. Too bad Lucas cut out most of Biggs' scenes. MIKE: Maybe he was afraid that Biggs would upstage Luke. CROW: He does that anyway. MIKE: C'mon, Crow. Play nice. CROW: Well, it's the truth, Mike. We're talking about Mark Hamill, not Sir Laurence Oliver. Anybody who'd make a film called Corvette Summer and go on to do primarily cartoon voices... [Crow shakes his head sadly.] SERVO: I agree with Crow. I mean, the original Star Wars is a great movie and everything, but it certainly wasn't a hit because of Mark's Hamill's acting. CROW: In fact, most actors could upstage Mark Hamill. SERVO: Actually, most things lying around the house could out-act Mark Hamill. Your average mop, for example. MIKE: Oh come on, guys! That's just plain mean. SERVO: No, think about it, Mike. Neither Mark Hamill nor a mop slept with Julia Roberts in the film Pretty Woman. That role went to Richard Gere, an *actor*. Conclusion? Mark Hamill has the acting ability of a mop, since neither of them got the role. CROW: Neither Mark Hamill or a mop played a music teacher in the film Mr. Holland's Opus. It was Richard Dreyfuss, another actor. SERVO: And who could forget Richard Harris' immortal role in the musical Camelot? A performance that featured absolutely no mops or Mark Hamills. MIKE: Hey, I just noticed that all three of the so-called actors you mentioned are named Richard. CROW [surprised]: What the... hey, you're right! Maybe there's something about having the name Richard that makes them great actors... SERVO: There was also Richard Burton... CROW: And Richard Chamberlin... GYPSY [screaming from off-camera]: RICHARD BASEHART! RICHARD BASEHART! Commercial sign light begins to flash. SERVO: Richard Kiel... CROW: Richard Simmons... SERVO: And my favorite actor, Richard Nixon! MIKE: We'll be right back. [He hits the button and we go to commercials.] --END PART 2--