Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: 
Star Wars: A New Hope  (Special Edition)
"Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas
MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow  (jbarlow@ipass.net)
Part 3, Fifth Draft


Disclaimer:
Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd.  All Star Wars 
characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George 
Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark 
of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations.

--------------------------------

Mike and the bots re-enter the theater.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

> Threepio climbs out of the oil tub and begins wiping oil from his bronze 
> body.
> LUKE: You got a lot of carbon scoring here. 

        CROW [as Luke]: You should use a stronger sunblock.

> Looks like you boys have seen a lot of action.
> THREEPIO: With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're in as 
> good condition as we are, what with the Rebellion and all.
> LUKE: You know of the Rebellion against the Empire?
> THREEPIO: That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning,
> sir.

        MIKE [as Luke]: Gah?

> LUKE: Have you been in many battles?
> THREEPIO: Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm not
> much more than an interpreter, and not very good at telling stories. Well,
> not at making them interesting, anyways.

        ALL: Agreed!

> Luke struggles to remove a small metal fragment from Artoo's neck joint.
> He uses a larger pick.

        CROW [Minnesota voice]: Oh, ya know that when ya want a heavier
               guitar sound, ya go for the larger pick, dont'cha know.
        MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Oh, absolutely right, Ethel.  You don't 
               want ta use the thin pick.
        CROW [Minnesota voice]: No, indeedy-no.     

> LUKE: Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real 
>         good. Were you on a cruiser or...
> The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Luke tumbling head over
> heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of Leia
> being projected from the face of little Artoo.
> LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
> LUKE: What's this?

        SERVO [dramatically]: What's this?  The juvenile Jedi looks longingly
                at the luscious Leia?  Deep desires and whiny wishes come 
                creeping...
        MIKE: That's enough, Tom.

> Artoo beeps something.  Leia continues to repeat the sentence fragment over
> and over.
> THREEPIO: What is what?!? He asked you a question...(pointing to Leia) What
>       is that?
> LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Wan 
>       Kenobi..

        CROW [as Leia]: Help me get out of this movie, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

> THREEPIO: Oh, he says it's nothing, sir. Merely a malfunction. Old data.  
>       Pay it no mind.
> Luke is intrigued by the beautiful girl.
> LUKE: Who is she? She's beautiful.

        SERVO [as Luke]: She can really wear those cinnamon buns.

> THREEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir.
> LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi...
> THREEPIO: I think she was a passenger on our last voyage.  A person of some 
> importance, I believe.
> LUKE: Is there more to this recording?
> Luke reaches out for Artoo but he lets out several frantic squeaks and a 
> whistle.
> THREEPIO: Behave yourself, Artoo. You're going to get us in trouble. It's 
>       all right, you can trust him.  He's our new master.

        MIKE [as C3PO]: Even if he *is* wormie.

> Artoo whistles and beeps a long message to Threepio.
> THREEPIO: He says he's the property of Obi-Wan Kenobi, a resident of these
>       parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir,

        CROW [as C3PO]: I don't give a damn.

> I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Antilles,
> but with what we've been through, this little R2 unit has become a bit 
> eccentric.

        SERVO [as C3PO]: He killed forty-six people with an ax.

> LUKE: Obi-Wan Kenobi? I wonder if he means old Ben Kenobi?
> THREEPIO: I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about?
> LUKE: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan, but old Ben lives out beyond
>        the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old hermit.
> Luke gazes at the beautiful young princess for a few moments.

        MIKE [as Luke]: Hubba hubba.

> LUKE: I wonder who she is. It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play
>         back the whole thing.
> Artoo beeps something to Threepio.
> THREEPIO: He says the restraining bolt has short circuited his recording 
>       system. 

        CROW: He can only play it in mono.

> He suggests that if you remove the bolt, he might be able to play back the 
>       entire recording.
> Luke looks longingly at the princess and hasn't really heard what Threepio 
> has been saying.
> LUKE: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I 
>        take this off! Okay.

        MIKE [idiot voice]: Duhhh, okay George.

> Luke takes a wedged bar and pops the restraining bolt off Artoo's side.
> LUKE: There you go.
> The princess immediately disappears.
> LUKE: Well, wait a minute. Where'd she go?

        SERVO [singing]: Baby come back...

> Play back the entire message.
> Artoo beeps an innocent reply as Threepio sits up in embarrassment.
> THREEPIO: What message? The one you're carrying inside your rusty innards!
> A woman's voice calls out from another room.
> AUNT BERU: Luke? Luke! Come to dinner!

        CROW [as Beru]: We're having sand!

> Luke stands up and shakes his head at the malfunctioning robot.
> LUKE: All right, I'll be right there, Aunt Beru.
> THREEPIO: I'm sorry, sir, but he appears to have picked up a slight 
>       flutter.
> Luke tosses Artoo's restraining bolt on the workbench and hurries out of
> the room.
> LUKE: Well, see what you can do with him. I'll be right back.

        SERVO: After these important messages.

> THREEPIO: (to Artoo) Just you reconsider playing that message for him.
> Artoo beeps in response.
> THREEPIO: No, I don't think he likes you at all.
> Artoo beeps.
> THREEPIO: No, I don't like you either.

        [Mike and the Bots make the "Wah wah waaaaaaah" sound, used as the 
          punchline on "The Brady Bunch" and many other sitcomes.]

> Luke's Aunt Beru, a warm, motherly woman, fills a pitcher with blue fluid 
> from a refrigerated container in the well-used kitchen. 

        CROW [as Aunt Beru]: I think we'll have Smurf juice tonight.

> She puts the pitcher on a tray with some bowls of food and starts for the
> dining area.  Luke sits with his Uncle Owen before a table covered with
> food as Aunt Beru carries in a bowl of red grain.
> LUKE: You know, I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen.
> OWEN: What makes you think that?
> LUKE: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. 

        CROW [as Luke]: It was a lost duet between Conway Twitty and
                Snoop Doggy Dog.

> He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Wan Kenobi.
> Owen is greatly alarmed at the mention of this name.

        SERVO [as Owen]: THE HELL???  Err... I mean... how interesting.

> LUKE: I thought he might have meant old Ben. Do you know what he's talking
>         about? 
> OWEN: Mmm. (no)

        [Crow "moos" in imitation of Owen's "Mmm".]

> Well, I wonder if he's related to Ben.
> Owen breaks loose with a fit of uncontrolled anger.

        MIKE [as Owen]: Ebonics is NOT a real language!

> OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old wizard. Tomorrow I want you to take
>       that R2 unit into Anchorhead and have its memory flushed. That'll be
>       the end of it. It belongs to us now.
> LUKE: But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him?
> OWEN: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same 
>       time as your father.
> LUKE: He knew my father?

        CROW [as Owen]: They dated briefly, yes.

> OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to prepare the new
>       droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge
>       working on those condensers.

        SERVO [German accent]: Yes, mein furher!

> LUKE: Yes, sir. I think those new droids are going to work out fine. In
>       fact, I, uh, was also thinking about our agreement about my staying
>       on another season. And if these new droids do work out, I want to
>       transmit my application to the Academy this year.
> Owen's face becomes a scowl, although he tries to suppress it.
> OWEN: You mean the next semester before harvest?

        MIKE [as Owen]: But Luke, it's going to be Neil Young's best album 
               ever!

> LUKE: Sure, there's more than enough droids.
> OWEN: Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one more season. This year
>       we'll make enough on the harvest so I'll be able to hire some more
>       hands.  And then you can go to the Academy next year.  You must
>       understand I need you here, Luke.
> LUKE: But it's a whole 'nother year!

        CROW [as Luke]: Waaaaah!

> OWEN: Look, it's only one more season.
> Luke pushes his half-eaten plate of food aside and stands.
> LUKE: Yeah, that's what you said last year when Biggs and Tank left.
> AUNT BERU: Where are you going?
> LUKE: It looks like I'm going nowhere. 

        MIKE: Just like his career after this movie.

> I have to finish cleaning those droids.
> Resigned to his fate, Luke paddles out of the room. 

        SERVO [as Luke walks out]: Waaaaah!  Waaaaah!

> AUNT BERU: Owen, he can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have gone.
>       It means so much to him.
> OWEN: I'll make it up to him next year. I promise.
> AUNT BERU: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father 
>       in him.

        CROW: Ew, gross!

> OWEN: That's what I'm afraid of.
> The giant twin suns of Tatooine slowly disappear behind a distant dune 
> range. Luke stands watching them for a few moments, 

        SERVO: Watch out for snakes!

> then reluctantly enters the doomed entrance to the homestead.  Luke enters
> the garage to discover the robots are nowhere in sight. He takes a small
> control box from his utility belt and activates it.
> Threepio, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the Skyhopper 
> spaceship.
> LUKE: What are you doing hiding there?
> THREEPIO: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him
>   not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his
>   mission.
> LUKE: Oh, no!

        SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaaah!  Waaaaah!
 
> Luke races out of the garage followed by Threepio.  Luke searches the
> darkening horizon for the small astro-robot. Threepio struggles out of the
> homestead and on the salt flat as Luke scans the landscape with his
> electrobinoculars.

        MIKE [as Luke]: So far, I detect lots of sand.

> THREEPIO: That R2 unit has always been a problem. These astro-droids are 
>   getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times.
> LUKE: How could I be so stupid? 

        CROW [as Luke]: `Corvette Summer'?  What was I thinking?

> He's nowhere in sight. Blast it!
> THREEPIO: Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him?
> LUKE: It's too dangerous with all the Sandpeople around. We'll have to wait
>    until morning.
> Owen yells up from the homestead plaza.
> OWEN: Luke, I'm shutting the power down for the night.
> LUKE: All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. Boy, am I gonna get it.
> He takes one final look across the dim horizon.

        SERVO: It's not exactly Rio, is it?
 
> LUKE: You know that little droid is going to cause me a lot of trouble.
> THREEPIO: Oh, he excels at that, sir.
> Morning slowly creeps into the sparse but sparkling oasis of the open 
> courtyard. Owen enters the kitchen as Beru cooks.
> OWEN: Have you seen Luke this morning?
> AUNT BERU: He said he had some things to do before he started today, so he 
>    left early.
> OWEN: Uh? 

        SERVO: Gah?

> Did he take those two new droids with him?
> AUNT BERU: I think so.
> OWEN: Well, he'd better have those units in the south range repaired by 
>    midday or there'll be hell to pay!

        CROW: Make your checks payable to Beelzebub.

> In the desert, next morning. Luke and Threepio ride in Luke's speeder,
> looking for the rogue droid.
> LUKE: Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our
>    droid...hit the accelerator.

        MIKE: Run him over!

> From high on a rock mesa, the tiny Landspeeder can be seen gliding across
> the desert floor. Suddenly in the foreground two weather-beaten Sandpeople
> shrouded in their grimy desert cloaks peer over the edge of the rock mesa.
> One of the marginally human creatures raises a long ominous laser rifle and
> points it at the speeder 

        MIKE [as the Sandperson]: This is for Wing Commander 3!

> but the second creature grabs the gun before it can be fired.  The speeder
> is parked on the floor of a massive canyon. Luke, with his long laser rifle
> slung over his shoulder, stands before little Artoo.
> LUKE: Hey, whoa, just where do you think you're going?

        SERVO [as Jon Lovitz's `Liar']: I was... uhm... sleepwalking.  Yeah, 
           that's it.

> The little droid whistles a feeble reply, as Threepio poses menacingly 
> behind the little runaway.
> THREEPIO: Master Luke here is your rightful owner. We'll have no more of
>    this Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish...and don't talk to me about your mission,
>    either. You're fortunate he doesn't blast you into a million pieces 
>    right here.

        ALL: Shut up!

> LUKE: No, it's alright. Well, come on. It's getting late. I only hope we 
>    can get back before Uncle Owen really blows up.
> Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles
> and screams.

        SERVO [as R2]: Danger, Will Robinson!
        
> LUKE: What's wrong with him now?
> THREEPIO: Oh my...sir, he says there are several creatures approaching from
>    the southeast.

        CROW: Floridians!

> Luke swings his rifle into position and looks to the south.
> LUKE: Sandpeople! Or worse! Come on, let's have a look. Come on.
> Luke carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the
> canyon with his electrobinoculars. He spots the two riderless Banthas.  
> Threepio struggles up behind the young adventurer.
> LUKE: There are two Banthas down there but I don't see any...wait a second, 
>    they're Sandpeople all right. I can see one of them now.
> Luke watches the distant Tusken Raider through his electrobinoculars.
> Suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view. Before Luke
> or Threepio can react, a large, gruesome Tusken Raider looms over them.

        SERVO [as the Raider]: I'm huge!

> Threepio is startled and backs away, right off the side of the cliff. 

        [Mike and the Bots cheer.]

> The towering creature brings down his curved, double-pointed gaderffii --
> the dreaded axe blade that has struck terror in the heart of the local
> settlers. But Luke manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which
> is smashed to pieces. The terrified farm boy scrambles backward until he is
> forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Raider stands over him
> with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh.

        CROW [as the Raider]: Oh, I just got the punchline in today's
           "Dilbert"!

> Artoo forces himself into the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks as the
> vicious Sandpeople walk past carrying the inert Luke Skywalker, who is
> dropped in a heap before the speeder. The Sandpeople ransack the speeder,
> throwing parts and supplies in all directions.  Suddenly they stop. Then
> everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard,

        MIKE: It's Howling Wolf!
        [Servo sings a couple of bars of `Wang Dang Doodle'.]

> echoing throughout the canyon which sends the Sandpeople fleeing in terror.
> Artoo moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound that
> frightened off the Sandpeople grows even closer, until a shabby old desert-
> rat-of-a-man appears and leans over Luke. 

        SERVO [as Ben]: Hey, it's that wormie kid.

> Ben Kenobi squints his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy.
> Artoo makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him.
> BEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid.
> Artoo waddles over to where Luke lies crumpled in a heap

        [Crow makes "quacking" sounds as Artoo waddles.]

> and beeps his concern. Ben puts his hand on Luke's forehead and he begins 
> to come around.
> BEN: Don't worry, he'll be all right.
> LUKE: What happened?

        SERVO [as Ben]: You were attacked by George Clinton.

> BEN: Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still
>    in one piece.
> LUKE: Ben? Ben Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you!
> BEN: The Jundland wastes are not to be traveled lightly. Tell me young 
>    Luke, what brings you out this far?

        MIKE [Homer Simpson voice]: Peanuts!

> LUKE: Oh, this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master,
>    but I've never seen such devotion in a droid before.  He claims to be
>    the property of an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours?  Do you
>    know who he's talking about?
> Ben ponders this for a moment, scratching his scruffy beard.

        SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Oh poopie, the fleas are back.

> BEN: Obi-Wan Kenobi...Obi-Wan? Now thats a name I haven't heard in a long
>    time...a long time.
> LUKE: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.
> BEN: Oh, he's not dead, not...not yet.

        CROW [Monty Python voice]: He's getting better!
 
> LUKE: You know him!
> BEN: Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the
>    name Obi-Wan since, oh...

        SERVO: Last Thursday.

> before you were born.
> LUKE: Then the droid does belong to you.
> BEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. 

        MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Of course, I don't remember what I had 
           for breakfast this morning, either...

> Very interesting...
> He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs.

        CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: My God, where did those cliffs
           come from?

> BEN: I think we better get indoors. The Sandpeople are easily startled but 
>    they will soon be back and in greater numbers.
> Luke sits up and rubs his head. Artoo lets out a pathetic beep, and Luke 
> looks around.
> LUKE: Threepio!
> Little Artoo stands at the edge of a large sand pit and begins to chatter
> away in electronic whistles and > beeps. Luke and Ben stand over a very
> dented and tangled Threepio lying half buried in the sand. One of his arms
> has broken off. Luke tries to revive the inert robot by shaking him and 
> then flips a hidden switch on his back several times.

        MIKE: No, no, you're gonna flood him!

> THREEPIO: Where am I? I must have taken a bad step...
> LUKE: Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the Sandpeople 
>    return.
> THREEPIO: I don't think I can make it. You go on, Master Luke.  There's no 
>    sense in you risking yourself on my account. I'm done for.

        CROW [as Luke]: Okay. Bye!

> LUKE: No, you're not. What kind of talk is that?
> Luke and Ben help the battered robot to his feet. Little Artoo watches from
> the top of the pit. Ben glances around suspiciously. Sensing something, he
> stands up and sniffs the air.

        SERVO [as Ben]: Do you work in a sewage treatment plant, Luke?

> BEN: Quickly, son...they're on the move.
> Ben's hut.  The small, spartan hovel is cluttered with desert junk.  Luke
> is in one corner repairing Threepio's arm, as old Ben sits thinking.

        CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I like sand.

> LUKE: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice 
>    freighter.
> BEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's 
>    ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.
> LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?

        SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I'm *still* fighting the clone wars.

> BEN: Yes. I was once a Jedi Knight, the same as your father.
> LUKE: I wish I'd known him.
> BEN: He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I
>    understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good
>    friend. Which reminds me...

        MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I've got to set the VCR to tape
           "Friends".

> Ben gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around.  He shuffles up
> and presents Luke with a short handle with several electronic gadgets
> attached to it.
> BEN: I have something here for you. 

        CROW: A flashlight.

> Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your
> uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some
> damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did.
> THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.
> LUKE: Sure, go ahead.

        SERVO: Your C3PO has finished shutting down. It is now safe to
           power off.

> Ben hands Luke the saber.
> LUKE: What is it?
> BEN: Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not
>    as clumsy or as random as a blaster.
> Luke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet
> and flickers there.

        ALL: Oooooh. Ahhhhhh.

> BEN: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand
>    generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in
>    the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire.
> LUKE: How did my father die?
> BEN: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he
>    turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi
>    Knights.  He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all 
>    but extinct.  Vader was seduced by the dark side of the 

        MIKE: Moon.

> Force.
> LUKE: The Force?
> BEN: Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field
>    created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us.

        CROW: Oh, like the IRS.

> It binds the galaxy together.
> Artoo makes beeping sounds.
> BEN: Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend.

        SERVO [as R2D2]: I'm a DROID, you old coot!

> And where you come from.
> LUKE: I saw part of the message he was...
> Luke is cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel
> princess is projected.

        MIKE: Artoo's smile really lights up the room.
        [Crow tries to leave the theater in disgust at this pun, but Mike 
           holds him back.]

> BEN: I seem to have found it.
> Luke stops his work as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes.
> LEIA: General Kenobi, 

        CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Here!

> years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help
> him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to
> present my father's request to you in person,

        MIKE [as Leia]: But I'm hopelessly incompetent.

> but my ship has fallen under attack 

        ALL: And it can't get up!

> and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have
> placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory
> systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must 
> see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan.  This is our most
> desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

        CROW [as Leia]: My love to the wife and kids.

> There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old Ben leans 
> back and scratches his head. 

        SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Damn lice.

> BEN: You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to
>    Alderaan.
> LUKE: (laughing) Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan. I've got to go home.

        MIKE [as Luke]: It's time for Scooby-Doo!

> It's late, I'm in for it as it is.
> BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for
>    this sort of thing.
> LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! 

        SERVO [sarcastically]: Yeah, that's *way* more important than 
           saving the universe.

> It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do 
>     about it right now. It's such a long way from here.
> BEN: That's your uncle talking.
> LUKE: (sighing) Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to 
explain this?
> BEN: Learn about the Force, Luke.

        SERVO: Maybe he should learn about acting first.

> LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport 
>   there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.
> BEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course.
> Outer space.  An Imperial Stardestroyer heads toward the evil 
> planet-like battle station: the Death Star!

        CROW [Shatner voice]: Captain's Log. The crew is exhausted, and
           we hope to enjoy shore leave on the aluminum planet in front 
           of us...

> Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference
> table.  Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. Commander
> Tagge, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking.
> TAGGE: Until this battle station is fully operational we are vulnerable.  
>   The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. 

        MIKE: They have coupons!

> They're more dangerous than you realize.
> MOTTI: Dangerous to your starfleet, Commander, not to this battle 
>    station!

        SERVO [as Motti]: In your face, Slimy.

> TAGGE: The Rebellion will continue to gain a support in the Imperial 
>    Senate as long as....
> Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Tagge's speech is cut short and
> the Grand Moff Tarkin, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. 
> He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Vader. 

        CROW: Ssh! Mom and Dad are home!

> TARKIN: The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. 
>    I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council 
>    permanently.

        SERVO: In a vat of sulfuric acid.

> The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.
> TAGGE: That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without 
>    the bureaucracy?
> TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over territories.
>    Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

        MIKE [dramatically]: One fear to rule them all, and in the 
           darkness bind them...

> TAGGE: And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have obtained a complete
>   technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely,
>   that they might find a weakness and exploit it.
> VADER: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.
> MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a
>    useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. 
>    This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest
>    we use it!

        SERVO [sarcastically]: Thanks for the suggestion.

> VADER: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've
>    constructed.  The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant
>    next to the power of the Force.
> MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader.
        
        CROW [as Vader]: Ala Kazam!  Abracadabra!  Hocus Pocus!

> Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure
>    up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find
>    the Rebel's hidden fort...
> Suddenly Motti chokes and starts to turn blue under Vader's spell.

        SERVO [as the Genie from Aladdin]: Ooo! Hairball!

> VADER: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
> TARKIN: Enough of this! Vader, release him!

        MIKE: If he doesn't come back, he was never yours to begin with.

> VADER: As you wish.
> TARKIN: This bickering is pointless. Lord Vader will provide us with
>    the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this station is
>    operational.

        CROW: Or my name's not Tom Bodell.

> We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke.

[Commercial break]


--END PART 3--