Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 5, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- INT: SATELLITE OF LOVE. Tom Servo is wearing a headband over his dome. Attached to the band are two large cinnamon buns, covering the spots where his ears would be if he had any. His torso is covered with a white, flowing robe. TOM [as Leia]: Help me, Crow-bi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me, Crow-bi Wan Kenobi... Mike enters. MIKE: Hey Tom. Say, what's with the costume? TOM: I'm practicing my lines. Crow and I thought that since this special edition version of Star Wars had new scenes, no one would notice if we wrote one of our own. MIKE: Oh. Can I watch? TOM: You can do more than that, Mike. We need you to play Luke. MIKE [flattered]: You want me to play the lead? Gosh! TOM: Yeah, you're the best whiner on the ship. Mike throws Crow one of his patented "hurt" looks. Tom, as usual, is oblivious. TOM: Now reach down there and get your costume. Mike reaches below the counter and pulls out a greatly undersized Luke Skywalker costume that looks like it was designed to fit a ten-year old. MIKE: Tom, I can't fit into this! TOM [impatiently]: Well, not with *that* kind of attitude, Mike. Come on! Mike sighs and attempts to put on the Jedi shirt. He gets his head about halfway through the hole (we can see his eyes and nose), but his arms get stuck, so it looks as though he's reaching out, like a horror-movie mummy. TOM: Perfect! MIKE [muffled]: This isn't comfortable, Tom. TOM: That's great! You've got the whining down already. [yells] Ready, Crow? CROW [off-screen]: Ready! TOM: Action! [as Leia]: Help me, Crow-bi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. Crow enters, wearing a brown robe similar to Ben's. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Hey pretty lady. Where's the prune juice? TOM [as Leia]: General Kenobi, you fought with my father during the Clone Wars. Now I'm having a crisis with my hair, and we beg your help again. CROW [proudly, in a Grandpa Simpson voice]: I like jello! TOM [as Leia]: Let me introduce you to the young hero, Luke Skywalker! MIKE [reading from Crow's script, muffled]: My name is Luke Skywalker and my underwear is giving me a wedgie. Waaaah! Waaaah! TOM [as Leia]: And let me also introduce you to our furry friend, Chewbacca. Gypsy enters, with several brown wigs taped (very badly) to her head. GYPSY [in her usual cheerful voice]: Growl. Growl. MIKE [taking off the shirt]: You know, I don't think this script is working, guys. CROW: Wow, Mike! That's some great ad-libbing! You're really doing some Luke-quality whining, and you're not even following the script! MIKE: I'm not ad-libbing, Crow. I just think this is a really bad script, and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. GYPSY: Is that my only line? CROW: Yes. GYPSY [meekly]: Oh. [She leaves.] TOM: What? Mike, this could be cinematic history in the making! A new scene from Star Wars, and you're gonna pass up all that fame and money? [angrily] Good one, Nelson! MIKE: I'm funny that way, I guess. Suddenly lights flash and alarms blare. ALL [screaming]: Aaaah! We got movie sign! Mike hits the button, and we see the doorway sequence. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Mike and the Bots re-enter the theater. As he sits down, Mike notices that Tom still has the handband/cinnamon buns on. MIKE [reaching over]: Will you take those off? TOM: Awww... Mike removes Tom's headband and tosses it aside. > Alderaan looms behind the Death Star battlestation. CROW [as the planet]: Save me! > Admiral Motti enters the quiet control room and bows before > Governor Tarkin, MIKE [as Motti]: Your royal sliminess. > who stands before the huge wall screen displaying a small green planet. > MOTTI: We've entered the Alderaan system. > Vader and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Leia. Her hands are > bound. > LEIA: Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding > Vader's leash. CROW [as Vader]: Grrrrrr! Arf! Arf! > I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. > TARKIN: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it > signing the order to terminate your life. SERVO [as Tarkin]: Since I don't know how to write. > LEIA: I surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility > yourself! > TARKIN: Princess Leia, before your execution I would like you to MIKE [as Tarkin]: Clean your room. > be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station > operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now. > LEIA: The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will > slip through your fingers. > TARKIN: Not after we demonstrate the power of this station. CROW [as Tarkin]: It's got an eight-cylinder engine, and lots of off-road action! > In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be > destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the > location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's > destructive power... MIKE: On your hair. > on your home planet of Alderaan. > LEIA: No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly... > TARKIN: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name > the system! > Tarkin waves menacingly toward Leia. SERVO [as Tarkin]: Does this bug you? Does this bug you? > TARKIN: I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. CROW [as Tarkin]: Who does your hair? > Where is the Rebel base? > Leia gazes at her planet, torn between her loyalties. > LEIA: (softly) Dantooine. They're on Dantooine. MIKE: Dan Tooine? I dated his sister! > TARKIN: There. You see Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. > (addressing Motti) Continue with the operation. You may fire > when ready. > LEIA: What!? CROW [as Homer Simpson]: D'oh! > TARKIN: You're far too trusting. Dantooine is too remote to make an > effective demonstration. But don't worry. We will deal with your > Rebel friends soon enough. > LEIA: No! > VADER: Commence primary ignition. [Servo makes the noise of a car engine starting up.] > A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded > Imperial soldier reaches overhead and pulls a lever. [Servo imitates the sound of a toilet flushing.] > Another lever is pulled. [Mike stands up and begins "playing" with the control panel on the screen.] MIKE: Hey guys, look! I'm operating the controls. CROW: Uh, Mike, you might not wanna do that... MIKE [continuing]: Why not? > A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and > converges into a single laser beam out toward Alderaan. The small > green planet of Alderaan is blown into space dust. SERVO: Mike! You blew up *another* planet! MIKE: No! I mean... did I? I didn't mean to! CROW [shakes his head sadly]: It staggers the imagination. [Mike sits down dejectedly.] MIKE: Boy, is my face red. Sorry, planet. > Ben watches Luke practice the lightsaber with a small "seeker" robot. > Ben suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint. > LUKE: Are you all right? What's wrong? MIKE [as Ben]: I sense that someone just blew up the bridge over the River Kwai... > BEN: I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of voices > suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear > something terrible has happened. CROW [dramatically]: Roseanne has been renewed for another season. > Ben rubs his forehead. He seems to drift into a trance. Then he fixes > his gaze on Luke. SERVO [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Muffy? Is that you? > BEN: You'd better get on with your exercises. > Han Solo enters the room. > HAN: Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs. MIKE [as Han]: I poured salt on 'em. > I told you I'd outrun 'em. > Luke is once again practicing with the lightsaber. > HAN: Don't everyone thank me at once. ALL [overlapping]: Thanks! Thank you! We appreciate it! Thanks! What a swell guy! [The group breaks into a chorus of `For he's a jolly good fellow.'] > Threepio watches Chewbacca and Artoo who are engrossed in a game in > which three-dimensional holographic figures move along a chess-type > board. > HAN: Anyway, we should be at Alderaan about oh-two-hundred hours. CROW: That's a lot of hours. > Chewbacca and the two robots sit around the lighted table covered with > small holographic monsters. > Each side of the table has a small computer monitor embedded in it. > Chewbacca seems very pleased with himself as he rests his lanky > fur-covered arms over his head. MIKE [waving away the underarm smell]: Pheew! Ugh! > THREEPIO: Now be careful, Artoo. > Artoo immediately reaches up and taps the computer with his stubby claw > hand, causing one of the holographic creatures to walk to the new square. > A sudden frown crosses Chewbacca's face and he begins yelling gibberish > at the tiny robot. Threepio intercedes on behalf of his small companion > and begins to argue with the huge Wookiee. > THREEPIO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it won't help you. SERVO [as C3PO]: Plug it, fuzzy. > HAN: (interrupting) Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee. > THREEPIO: But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid. > HAN: That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their socket > when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that. > THREEPIO: I see your point, sir. I suggest a new strategy, Artoo. Let > the Wookiee win. ALL [making the "punchline" sound]: Wah wah waaaaaaaah! > Luke stands in the middle of the small hold area; he seems frozen in > place. A humming lightsaber is held high over his head. Ben watches him > from the corner, studying his movements. Han watches with a bit of > smugness. > BEN: Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him. MIKE: Just like coffee. > LUKE: You mean it controls your actions? > BEN: Partially. But it also obeys your commands. CROW: Just like coffee. MIKE: Exactly. Huh? > Suspended at eye level, about ten feet in front of Luke, a "seeker", a > chrome baseball-like robot covered with antennae, hovers slowly in a > wide arc. It slowly moves behind Luke, then makes a quick lunge, emitting > a blood red laser beam as it attacks. It hits Luke in the leg causing > him to tumble over. [Crow makes a whimpering dog sound.] > HAN: (laughs) Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a > good blaster at your side, kid. > LUKE: You don't believe in the Force, do you? MIKE [as Han]: Nope. The fairies told me it was make-believe. > HAN: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've > seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me > believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. > There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny. > HAN: It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense. > BEN: I suggest you try it again, Luke. SERVO [as Ben]: But this time, let it kill you. > Ben places a large helmet on Luke's head which covers his eyes. > BEN: This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct. CROW [as Ben]: Destroy without thinking, Luke. > LUKE: (laughing) With the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am > I supposed to fight? > BEN: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them. MIKE [as Ben]: Poke them out. > Han skeptically shakes his head as Ben throws the seeker into the air. > Luke swings the lightsaber around blindly missing the seeker, which > fires off a laserbolt which hits him. He lets out a painful yell and > attempts to hit the seeker. SERVO: This is the strangest pinata ceremony I've ever seen. > BEN: Stretch out with your feelings. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Love me! > Luke stands in one place, seemingly frozen. The seeker makes a dive at > Luke and, incredibly, he managed to deflect the bolt. The ball ceases > fire and moves back to its original position. > BEN: You see, you can do it. > HAN: I call it luck. > BEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. SERVO: In *your* experience there's no such thing as pop-tarts, Gramps. > HAN: Look, good against remotes is one thing. Good against the living? > That's something else. > Solo notices a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel. MIKE [pointing]: The Mads are calling! > HAN: Looks like we're coming up on Alderaan. > Han and Chewbacca head back to the cockpit. > LUKE: You know, I did feel something. CROW [as Luke]: But I think it was just gas. > I could almost see the remote. > BEN: That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world. > Back on the Death Star, Imperial Officer Cass stands before Governor > Tarkin and Darth Vader. > TARKIN: Yes? > OFFICER CASS: Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. MIKE [as Cass]: They all received their merit badges. > They found the remains of a Rebel base, but they estimate that it has > been deserted for some time. They are now conducting an extensive search > of the surrounding systems. > TARKIN: She lied! She lied to us! > VADER: I told you she would never consciously betray the Rebellion. > TARKIN: Terminate her...immediately! CROW [as Schwarzenegger]: Sarah Connor? > Back on the Falcon... > HAN: Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines. > Han pulls back on a control lever. [Servo imitates the sound of a toilet flushing.] > Suddenly the starship begins to shudder and violently shake about. > Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship. > HAN: What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. > Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts. MIKE: Perhaps if you made it more commercial... > The Wookiee flips off several controls and seems very cool in the > emergency. [Every time Chewie flips a lever, Servo makes flushing noises.] > LUKE: What's going on? ALL [singing]: Brother, brother... > HAN: Our position is correct, except...no, Alderaan! > LUKE: What do you mean? Where is it? > HAN: Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been CROW: Misplaced. > totally blown away. > LUKE: What? How? > BEN: Destroyed...by the Empire! SERVO: It struck back early. > HAN: The entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole planet. It'd take > a thousand ships with more fire power than I've... > A signal starts flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm starts > humming. > HAN: There's another ship coming in. > LUKE: Maybe they know what happened. > BEN: It's an Imperial fighter. > Chewbacca barks his concern. A huge explosion bursts outside the > cockpit window, shaking the ship violently. A tiny, finned Imperial > TIE fighter races past the cockpit window. SERVO [as the Fighter pilot]: Dum de dum. I can't see you. Dum de dum. > LUKE: It followed us! > BEN: No. It's a short range fighter. > HAN: There aren't any bases around here. Where did it come from? > LUKE: It sure is leaving in a big hurry. If they identify us, we're in > big trouble. > HAN: Not if I can help it. Chewie... jam its transmissions. MIKE [as Han]: Ram a sock up his tailpipe. > BEN: It'd be as well to let it go. It's too far out of range. > HAN: Not for long... > The tension mounts as the pirateship gains on the tiny fighter. In the > distance, one of the stars becomes brighter until it is obvious that the > TIE ship is heading for it. Ben stands behind Chewbacca. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: The view is much hairier than I expected. > BEN: A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own. > LUKE It must have gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something. > HAN: Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about > us. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: We'll fix him good, I'll tell you what. > LUKE: Look at him. He's headed for that small moon. > HAN: I think I can get him before he gets there...he's almost in range. > BEN: That's no moon. MIKE: It's a model. > It's a space station. > HAN: It's too big to be a space station. > LUKE: I have a very bad feeling about this. CROW [as Luke]: I wet 'em. > BEN: Turn the ship around. > HAN: Yeah, I think you're right. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the > auxiliary power. > LUKE: Why are we still moving towards it? > HAN: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in! > LUKE: But there's gotta be something you can do! SERVO [as Han]: Sorry, Wormie. I've used up my dumb luck quota for today. > HAN: There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm at full power. I'm going > to have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a fight! > Ben Kenobi puts a hand on his shoulder. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Are you my mother? > BEN: You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting. > The Falcon is pulled into the Death Star. > VOICE OVER DEATH STAR INTERCOM: Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are > opening the magnetic field. MIKE [pleasantly, as the voice]: The reactor is on fire. There is no need to panic. > OFFICER: Close all outboard shields! Close all outboard shields! > An intercom buzzes. Tarkin pushes a button and responds. > TARKIN: Yes? CROW [Monty Python voice]: There's a Mr. Death to see you, sir. Something about a reaping? > VOICE: (over intercom) We've captured a freighter entering the remains > of the Alderaan system. It's markings match those of a ship that > blasted its way out of Mos Eisley. > VADER: They must be trying to return the stolen plans to the princess. > She may yet be of some use to us. > VOICE: (over intercom) Unlock one-five-seven and nine. Release charges. SERVO [as the voice]: Put the kettle on. > OFFICER: (to Vader) There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, > the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. [The Bots make quacking sounds.] > Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned. > VADER: Did you find any droids? > OFFICER: No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have > jettisoned. > VADER: Send a scanning crew on board. I want every part of this ship > checked. CROW [as Vader]: Start with the hubcaps. > OFFICER: Yes, sir. > VADER: I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since... > Suddenly, Vader turns and quickly exits the hangar. MIKE [dramatically, as Vader]: Diarrhea is like a river raging inside me... > OFFICER: Get me a scanning crew in here on the double. I want every > part of this ship checked! > A trooper runs through the hallway heading for the exit. In a few > moments all is quiet. The muffled sounds of a distant officer giving > orders finally fade. Two floor panels suddenly pop up revealing Han > Solo and Luke. Ben Kenobi sticks his head out of a third locker. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I thought this was the bathroom! > LUKE: Boy, it's lucky you had these compartments. > HAN: I use them for smuggling. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself > in them. This is ridiculous. SERVO [as Balky]: Well, don't be ree-dic-oo-lus. > Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam. > BEN: Leave that to me! > HAN: Damn fool. MIKE [Gomez Addams voice]: Dirty pool, old man. > I knew you were going to say that! > BEN: Who's the more foolish...the fool or the fool who follows him? > Han shakes his head, muttering to himself. Chewbacca agrees. [The Bots make "mew"-ing sounds for Chewbacca.] > The crewmen carry a heavy box on board the ship, past the two > stormtroopers guarding either side of the ramp. > TROOPER: The ship's all yours. If the scanners pick up anything, report > it immediately. All right, let's go. > The crewmen enter the pirateship and a loud crashing sound is followed > by a voice calling to the guard below. > HAN'S VOICE: Hey down there, SERVO [as Han]: Are you feeling really stupid? > could you give us a hand with this? SERVO [as Han]: Just ignore the fact that my voice sounds completely different and I'm not wearing a uniform or anything... > The stormtroopers enter the ship and a quick round of gunfire is heard. > In a very small command office near the entrance to the pirateship, a > Gantry Officer looks out his window and notices the guards are missing. > He speaks into the comlink. > GANTRY OFFICER: TX-four-one-two. Why aren't you at your post? CROW [nerdy voice]: I'm busy getting killed, sir. > TX-four-one-two, do you copy? > A stormtrooper comes down the ramp of the pirateship and waves to the > gantry officer, pointing to his ear. MIKE [proudly, Homer Simpson voice]: Sounds go in here! > The gantry officer shakes his head in disgust and heads for the door, > giving his aide an annoyed look. SERVO [as the Officer]: I hate you. > GANTRY OFFICER: Take over. We've got a bad transmitter. I'll see what > I can do. > As the officer approaches the door, it slides open revealing the > towering Chewbacca. The gantry officer, in a momentary state of shock, > stumbles backward. With a bone-chilling howl, the giant Wookiee flattens > the officer with one blow. The aide immediately reaches for his pistol, > but is blasted by Han, dressed as an Imperial stormtrooper. Ben and the > robots enter the room quickly, followed by Luke who is also dressed as a > stormtrooper. Luke quickly removes his helmet. ALL [screaming]: Nooo! Put it back on! > LUKE: You know, between his howling and your blasting everything in > sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here. > HAN: Bring them on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking > around. > THREEPIO: We found the computer outlet, sir. CROW [as Ben]: Ooo! Let me check my e-mail. > BEN: Plug in. > Artoo punches his claw arm into the computer socket and the vast Imperial > brain network comes to life, feeding information to the little robot. MIKE [H.A.L. voice]: Greetings, Dr. Chandra. > After a few moments, he beeps something. > THREEPIO: He says he's found the main computer to power the tractor beam > that's holding the ship here. He'll try to make the precise location > appear on the monitor. The tractor beam is coupled to the main > reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals > will allow the ship to leave. SERVO [sarcastically]: Thanks, Mr. Science. > Ben studies the data on the monitor readout. > BEN: I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone. > HAN: Whatever you say. I've done more that I bargained for on this trip > already. > LUKE I want to go with you. > BEN: Be patient, Luke. Stay and watch over the droids. > LUKE: But he can... > BEN: They must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer > the same fate as Alderaan. Your destiny lies along a different path > than mine. The Force will be with you...always. MIKE [as Ben]: Hang loose, Wormie. > Ben adjusts the lightsaber on his belt and silently steps out of the > command office, then disappears down a long grey hallway. Chewbacca > barks a comment and Han shakes his head in agreement. > HAN: Boy you said it, Chewie CROW: Hey! Cool HAN LUKE. Get it Mike? Cool Han Luke? [Mike ignores him.] > HAN: Where did you dig up that old fossil? > LUKE: Ben is a great man. > HAN: Yeah, great at getting us into trouble. > LUKE: I didn't hear you give any ideas... > HAN: Well, anything would be better than just hanging around waiting > for them to pick us up... > LUKE: Who do you think... > Suddenly Artoo begins to whistle and beep a blue streak. Luke goes over > to him. > LUKE: What is it? > THREEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says "I found her", > and keeps repeating, "She's here." > LUKE: Well, who...who has he found? CROW: Amelia Earhart? > Artoo whistles a frantic reply. > THREEPIO: Princess Leia. > LUKE: The princess? She's here? > HAN: Princess? What's going on? MIKE [as Luke]: I don't know, but don't call me Princess. > THREEPIO: Level five. Detention block A A-twenty-three. I'm afraid > she's scheduled to be terminated. > LUKE: Oh, no! We've got to do something. SERVO [as Luke]: How 'bout a benefit concert? > HAN: What are you talking about? > LUKE: The droids belong to her. She's the one in the message. We've got > to help her. > HAN: Now, look, don't get any funny ideas. The old man wants us to wait > right here. > LUKE: But he didn't know she was here. MIKE: Ben doesn't even know where *he* is. > Look, will you just find a way back into the detention block? > HAN: I'm not going anywhere. > LUKE: They're going to execute her. Look, a few minutes ago you said > you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want > to do is stay? CROW [as Solo, proudly]: I can also shake hands and play dead. > HAN: Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind. > LUKE: But they're going to kill her! > HAN: Better her than me. > LUKE: She's rich. > HAN: Rich? MIKE [as Han]: Hell of a strange name for a woman... > LUKE: Yes. Rich, powerful! Listen, if you were to rescue her, the > reward would be... > HAN: What? > LUKE: Well more wealth that you can imagine. > HAN: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit! > LUKE: You'll get it! > HAN: I better! > LUKE: You will... MIKE [dramatically, in an AT&T voice]: Have you ever rescued a princess from a space fortress? You will! > HAN: All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this. > LUKE: All right. > HAN: What's your plan? > LUKE: Uh...Threepio, hand me those binders there will you? > Luke moves toward Chewbacca with electronic cuffs. > LUKE: Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you. > Chewie lets out a hideous growl. SERVO [as Chewie]: Not here, Luke! I need to be romanced first. > LUKE: Okay. Han, you put these on. > Luke sheepishly hands the binders to Han. MIKE [as Han]: I'm not in the mood either. Oh, I see what you mean. > HAN: Don't worry, Chewie. I think I know what he has in mind. > THREEPIO: Master Luke, sir! Pardon me for asking...but, CROW [as C3PO]: What happened to your face? > what should Artoo and I do if we're discovered here? > LUKE: Lock the door! > HAN: And hope they don't have blasters. > THREEPIO: That isn't very reassuring. ALL: Shut up! > Luke and Han put on their armored stormtrooper helmets and start off > into the Death Star. > LUKE: I can't see a thing in this helmet. SERVO [as Han]: You've got it on backwards! > Luke and Han step forward to exit the elevator, but the door slides open > behind them. The giant Wookiee and his two guards enter the old grey > security station. Guards and laser gates are everywhere. > HAN: This is not going to work. > LUKE: Why didn't you say so before? > HAN: I did say so before! MIKE [as Luke, pleading]: Ummm... did I mention she's rich? > OFFICER: Where are you taking this... thing? > LUKE: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight. > OFFICER: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it. > The officer goes back to his console and begins to punch in the > information. There are only three other troopers in the area. Luke and > Han survey the situation, checking all of the alarms, laser gates, and > camera eyes. Han unfastens one of Chewbacca's electronic cuffs and > shrugs to Luke. Suddenly Chewbacca throws up his hands MIKE: Touchdown! > and lets out with one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Han's laser > rifle. > HAN: Look out! He's loose! CROW: Hey! That's a *little* more information about Chewbacca than I needed. > LUKE: He's going to pull us all apart! > HAN: Go get him! > The startled guards are momentarily dumbfounded. Luke and Han have > already pulled out their laser pistols and are blasting away at the > terrifying Wookiee. Their barrage of laserfire misses Chewbacca, but > hits the camera eyes, laser gate controls, and the Imperial guards. > The officer is the last of the guards to fall under the laserfire just > as he is about to push the alarm system. Han rushes to the comlink > system, which is screeching questions about what is going on. He > quickly checks the computer readout. > HAN: We've got to find out which cell this princess of yours is in. > Here it is...cell twenty-one-eight-seven. You go get her. I'll > hold them here. SERVO: Hold who where? The room is EMPTY! > HAN: (sounding official) Everything is under control. Situation normal. > INTERCOM VOICE: What happened? CROW [as Han]: Oh, just me and the boys lettin' off a little steam... > HAN: (getting nervous) Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, > everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine > here, now, thank you. How are you? > INTERCOM VOICE: We're sending a squad up. > HAN: Uh, uh, negative. We had a reactor leak here now. Give us a few > minutes to lock it down. Large leak...very dangerous. > INTERCOM VOICE: Who is this? What's your operating number? SERVO [as the voice]: What's your shoe size? > Han blasts the comlink and it explodes. > HAN: Boring conversation anyway. (yelling down the hall) Luke! We're > going to have company! MIKE [as Han]: Set the table! > Luke stops in front of one of the cells and blasts the door away with a > laser pistol. When the smoke clears, Luke sees the dazzling young > princess-senator. > LEIA: (finally) Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper? > Luke takes off his helmet. > LUKE: What? Oh...the uniform. I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. CROW [as Leia]: You're much wormier than I expected. > LEIA: You're who? > LUKE: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with > Ben Kenobi. > LEIA: Ben Kenobi? Where is he? MIKE [as Luke]: Wandering around aimlessly. You're rich, right? > LUKE: Come on! > Darth Vader paces the room as Governor Tarkin sits at the far end of > the conference table. > VADER: He is here... SERVO [singing]: The Phantom of the Opera... > TARKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi! What makes you think so? > VADER: A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it CROW [as Vader]: Was when Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie. > was in the presence of my old master. > TARKIN: Surely he must be dead by now. MIKE [Monty Python voice]: He's not quite dead... > VADER: Don't underestimate the power of the Force. > TARKIN: The Jedi are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe. > You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion. > There is a quiet buzz on the comlink. > TARKIN: Yes? > INTERCOM VOICE: Governor Tarkin, we have an emergency alert in > detention block A A-twenty-three. > TARKIN: The princess! Put all sections on alert! > VADER: Obi-Wan is here. The Force is with him. SERVO [as Vader]: And that wormie kid, too. > TARKIN: If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape. > VADER: Escape is not his plan. I must face him alone. > Back in the detention block... > HAN: Chewie! > Chewbacca responds with a growling noise. > HAN: Get behind me! Get behind me! MIKE [biblical]: Get thee behind me, Chewie! > A series of explosions knock a hole in the elevator door through > which several Imperial troops begin to emerge. Han and Chewie fire > laser pistols at them through the smoke and flame. They turn and run > down the cell hallway, meeting up with Luke and Leia. > HAN: Can't get out that way. CROW [as Han]: Hi! Are you the rich girl? > LEIA: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route. > HAN: (sarcastically) Maybe you'd like it back in your cell, Your > Highness. > Luke takes a small comlink transmitter from his belt. > LUKE: See-Threepio! See-Threepio! MIKE [as Han]: No, I can't. > THREEPIO: (over comlink) Yes sir? > LUKE: We've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay? > What was that? I didn't copy! > THREEPIO: I said, all systems have been alerted to your presence, sir. > The main entrance seems to be the only way in or out; all other > information on your level is restricted. CROW: All rights reserved. > Someone begins banging on the door. > TROOPER VOICE: Open up in there! SERVO [as the trooper]: Other people need to go too, you know! > THREEPIO: Oh, no! [Commercial break] -- END PART 5 --