Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 7, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- Mike and the Bots re-enter the theater. Crow is still wearing his Darth Vader cape and mask. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* > Luke sits in readiness for the attack, his hand on the laser cannon's > control button. CROW [Droopy Dog voice]: Are you ready to rumble? > Chewbacca spots the enemy ships and barks. > LEIA: (into intercom) Here they come! SERVO [singing]: Walking down the street... MIKE: Alright, guys. I think we've gotten as much mileage out of the Monkees jokes as we're likely to get. > The stars whip past behind the Imperial pilot as he adjusts his > maneuvering joy stick. > Threepio is seated in the hold area, next to Artoo-Detoo. The pirateship > bounces and vibrates as the power goes out in the room and then comes > back on. MIKE: Aww! Now all the clock's are gonna be flashing '12:00' again! > Luke fires at an unseen fighter. > LUKE: They're coming in too fast! SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! Waaaah! > The ship shudders as a laserbolt hits very close to the cockpit. MIKE [as Picard]: Shields up. Damage report, Number One. CROW [as Troi]: Captain, I sense... hostility. > The two TIE fighters fire a barrage of laserbeams at the pirateship. > A laserbolt streaks into the side of the pirateship. The ship lurches > violently, throwing poor Threepio into a cabinet fill of small computer > chips. SERVO [Rodney King voice, pleading]: Can't we all just get along? > Leia watches the computer readout CROW [as Leia]: Can you keep it down? My soaps are on! > as Chewbacca manipulates the ship's controls. > LEIA: We've lost lateral controls. > HAN: Don't worry, she'll hold together. > An enemy laserbolt hits the pirateship's control panel, causing it > to blow out in a shower of sparks. MIKE [pointing]: Oh, it's a Goldstar. > HAN: (to ship) You hear me, baby? Hold together! > Artoo-Detoo advances toward the smoking sparking control panel, > dousing the inferno by spraying it with fire retardant beeping all > the while. Luke swivels in his gun mount, following the TIE fighter > with his laser cannon. SERVO [nerdy voice]: Captain Wormie, Space Ranger! > A TIE fighter streaks in front of the starship. > Leia watches the TIE fighter ship fly over. CROW: Mike, how did the soundman get the TIE-fighters to make that cool sound when they fly by? MIKE: I'm not sure. Kinda sounds like a humpback whale in a blender. CROW: Hey, that would be interesting sound-effect to record sometime! I just need a whale... MIKE: No, Crow. Absolutely not. > A TIE fighter heads right for the pirateship, then zooms overhead. Luke > follows the TIE fighter across his field of view, firing laserbeams > from his cannon. CROW: What if I were extra good, Mike, and cleaned my room every day? MIKE: No, Crow. > A TIE fighter dives past the pirateship. CROW: Pretty please? MIKE: No, Crow. > Luke fires at a TIE fighter. At his port, Han follows a fighter in his > sights, releasing a blast of laserfire. He connects, and the fighter > explodes into fiery dust. Han laughs victoriously. CROW: Not even a little whale? MIKE: No, Crow. > Two TIE fighters move toward and over the Millennium Falcon, unleashing > a barrage of laserbolts at the ship. Another TIE fighter moves in on the > pirateship and Luke, smiling, fires the laser cannon at it, scoring a > spectacular direct hit. > LUKE: Got him! I got him! SERVO [as Luke]: I'm gonna treat him right and never let him go! > HAN: Great kid! Don't get cocky. > While Chewbacca manipulates the controls, Leia turns, looking over her > shoulder out the ports. > LEIA: There are still two more of them out there! > A TIE fighter moves up over the pirateship, firing laserblasts at it. CROW: 'Cause you see, Mike, I wouldn't need a *big* whale, and I'd feed it and walk it every day... MIKE: No, Crow. > The TIE fighter zooms toward the pirateship, firing destructive blasts at > it. Luke fires a laserblast at the approaching enemy fighter, and it > bursts into a spectacular explosion. SERVO [as the pilot]: I regret nothing! > Luke's projected screen gives a readout of the hit. The pirateship bounces > slightly as it is struck by the enemy fire. The last of the attacking > Imperial TIE fighters looms in, firing upon the Falcon. CROW: You know, I bet I could potty train a whale... MIKE: Alright Crow, that's it! Go stand in the corner of the theater. Go! [Mike points.] CROW [whining]: But Daaaaaaaad... MIKE: Right now, young man! [Crow walks offscreen to the right, sobbing quietly as he does so.] > Solo swivels behind his cannon, his aim describing the arc of the TIE > fighter. The fighter comes closer, firing at the pirateship, but a well- > aimed blast from Solo's laser cannon hits the attacker, which blows up > in a small atomic shower of burning fragments. MIKE: So they have the greenhouse effect here, too. > LUKE: (laughing) That's it! We did it! > The princess jumps up and gives Chewie a congratulatory hug. > LEIA: We did it! SERVO: Did what? She just sat there! > Threepio lies on the floor of the ship, completely tangled in the smoking, > sparking wires. > THREEPIO: Help! I think I'm melting! (to Artoo) This is all your fault. > Artoo turns his dome from side to side, beeping in response. The > victorious Millennium Falcon moves off majestically through space. > Darth Vader strides into the control room, where Tarkin is watching the > huge view screen. MIKE [as Vader]: Can we turn it to the big game? > TARKIN: Are they away? > VADER: They have just made the jump into hyperspace. > TARKIN: You're sure the homing beacon is secure aboard their ship? I'm > taking an awful risk, Vader. This had better work. > Han, removes his gloves and smiling, is at the controls of the ship. > Chewie moves into the aft section to check the damage. Leia is seated > near Han. > HAN: Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? SERVO [as Han]: Only 25% of the crew lost! > You know, sometimes I even amaze myself. > LEIA: That doesn't sound too hard. Besides, they let us go. It's the > only explanation for the ease of our escape. > HAN: Easy...you call that easy? > LEIA: They're tracking us! > HAN: Not this ship, sister. MIKE [calling]: Crow! Do you think you can come back and join us? CROW [sniffling, from offscreen]: Yes, sir. MIKE: Okay, then. [Crow re-enters and sits back down.] CROW: I'm sorry, Mike. MIKE: It's okay, honey. CROW: So anyway, when I get my whale, can he take baths with me? MIKE: AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH! > Frustrated, Leia shakes her head. > LEIA: At least the information in Artoo is still intact. > HAN: What's so important? What's he carrying? MIKE: The archived posts of alt.make.money.fast! > LEIA: The technical readouts of that battle station. I only hope that > when the data is analyzed, a weakness can be found. It's not over yet! > HAN: It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and > I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it > for the money! > LEIA: You needn't worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, > then that's what you'll receive! > She angrily turns, and starts out of the cockpit. CROW [as Han]: Wow, that was easier than I expected! I probably should have asked for some new clothes, too... > She passes Luke coming in. > LEIA: Your friend is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares > about anything... or anyone. > LUKE: I care! MIKE [as Luke]: Love me! > Luke, shaking his head, sits in the copilot seat. He and Han stare out > at the vast blackness of space. > LUKE: So... what do you think of her, Han? > HAN: I'm trying not to, kid. > LUKE: (under his breath) Good. > HAN: Still, she's got a lot of spirit. I don't know, what do you think? SERVO [imitating Han]: I'm trying not to, kid. > Do you think a princess and a guy like me... > LUKE: No! > Luke says it with finality and looks away. Han smiles at young Luke's > jealousy. MIKE [disapprovingly]: He just radiates "smug", doesn't he? > The pirateship soars over the dense jungle. ALL [singing]: Welcome to the jungle... > Rotting in a forest of gargantuan trees, an ancient temple lies shrouded > in mist. The air is heavy with the fantastic cries of unimaginable > creatures. Han, Luke and the others are greeted by the Rebel troops. > Luke and the group ride into the massive temple on an armored military > speeder. Willard, the commander of the Rebel forces, rushes up to the > group and gives Leia a big hug. Every one is pleased to see her. > WILLARD: (holding Leia) You're safe! We had feared the worst. CROW [as Willard]: We thought Abba was reuniting. > Willard composes himself, steps back and bows formally. > WILLARD: When we heard about Alderaan, we were afraid that you were... > lost along with your father. > LEIA: We don't have time for our sorrows, Commander. You must use the > information in this R2 unit to plan the attack. It is our only hope. SERVO: I thought Obi-Wan was her only hope! MIKE: Leia goes through "only hopes" pretty quickly. > Grand Moff Tarkin and Lord Vader are interrupted in their discussion by > the buzz of the comlink. Tarkin moves to answer the call. > TARKIN: Yes? > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: We are approaching the planet Yavin. The Rebel > base is on a moon on the far side. We are preparing to orbit the > planet. SERVO: By taking L.S.D. > A lone guard stands in a tower high above the Yavin landscape, surveying > the countryside. A mist hangs over the jungle of twisted green. All is > quiet. MIKE [as the guard]: Yep. The grass is still growing. > Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display. Leia and several > other senators are to one side of the giant readout. The low-ceilinged > room is filled with starpilots, navigators, and a sprinkling of R2-type > robots. > DODONNA: The battle station is heavily shielded and carries a firepower > greater than half the star fleet. Its defenses are designed around a > direct large-scale assault. A small one-man fighter should be able to > penetrate the outer defense. CROW [sarcastically]: Oh, why don't you just upload a computer virus into it with your Macintosh? > Gold Leader, a rough looking man in his early thirties, stands and > addresses Dodonna. > GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are snub fighters > going to be against that? > DODONNA: Well, the Empire doesn't consider a small one-man fighter to be > any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans > provided by Princess Leia has demonstrate a weakness in the battle > station. SERVO [as Dodonna]: It loves chocolate. > DODONNA: The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver > straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The > target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust > port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the > reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which > should destroy the station. SERVO: Chain Reaction? Ack! They didn't tell us Keanu Reeves was in this movie! MIKE [yelling]: Curse you, Doctor Forrester! > A murmer of disbelief runs through the room. > DODONNA: Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is > ray-shielded, CROW: By a guy named Ray. > so you'll have to use proton torpedoes. > Luke is sitting next to Wedge Antilles, a hotshot pilot about sixteen > years old. > WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a computer. > LUKE: It's not impossible. I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-sixteen > back home. SERVO [as Luke]: Until the SPCA made me quit. > They're not much bigger than two meters. > DODONNA: Man your ships! And may the Force be with you! > Tarkin and Vader watch the computer projected screen with interest. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. > The moon with the Rebel base will be in range in thirty minutes. > VADER: This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Kenobi > and it will soon see the end of the Rebellion. CROW: As we know it, and I feel fine. > Luke, Threepio and little Artoo enter the huge spaceship hangar and hurry > along a long line of gleaming spacefighters. Flight crews rush around > loading last-minute armaments and unlocking power couplings. In an area > isolated from this activity Luke finds Han and Chewbacca loading small > boxes onto an armored speeder. > MAN'S VOICE: (over loudspeaker) All flight troops, man your stations. All > flight troops, man your stations. MIKE [idiot voice]: So should we man our stations, then? > Han is deliberately ignoring the activity of the fighter pilots' > preparation. Luke is quite saddened at the sight of his friend's > departure. > LUKE: So...you got your reward and you're just leaving then? > HAN: That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with > this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to > stick around here, do you? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty > good in a fight. I could use you. SERVO [as Han]: As firewood. > LUKE: (getting angry) Come on! Why don't you take a look around? You know > what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good > pilot like you. You're turning your back on them. > HAN: What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, > attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more > like suicide. CROW [as Han, brightly]: So have at it, Wormie! > LUKE: All right. Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what > you're best at, isn't it? > Luke goes off and Han hesitates, then calls to him. > HAN: Hey, Luke... may the Force be with you! > Luke turns and sees Han wink at him. Luke lifts his hand in a small wave. SERVO [as Luke, Australian accent]: Oy. > Han turns to Chewie who growls at his captain. > HAN: What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doing. > Luke, Leia, and Dodonna meet under a huge space fighter. > LEIA: What's wrong? MIKE [as Luke, whining]: I can't get my zipper up. > LUKE: Oh, it's Han! I don't know, I really thought he'd change his mind. > LEIA: He's got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him. > LUKE: I only wish Ben were here. > Leia gives Luke a little kiss, [Mike and the Bots make "suction-cup" sounds.] > turns, and goes off. As Luke heads for his ship, another pilot rushes up > to him and grabs his arm. CROW [as Biggs]: Wormie! > BIGGS: Luke! I don't believe it! How'd you get here...are you going out > with us?! > LUKE: Biggs! Of course, I'll be up there with you! Listen, have I got some > stories to tell... SERVO [as Luke]: I'll start with "Little Red Riding Hood". > Red Leader, a rugged handsome man in his forties, comes up behind Luke > and Biggs. He has the confident smile of a born leader. > RED LEADER: Are you... Luke Skywalker? MIKE: Queen of Scots? > Have you been checked out on the Incom T-sixty-five? > BIGGS: Sir, Luke is the best bushpilot in the outer rim territories. CROW: Really? I would've sworn he was a virg... [Mike immediately reaches over and snaps Crow's mouth shut.] CROW [muffled]: Mmmpf! > Red Leader pats Luke on the back as they stop in front of his fighter. > RED LEADER: I met your father once when I was just a boy, he was a great > pilot. You'll do all right. If you've got half of your father's skill, > you'll do better than all right. > LUKE: Thank you, sir. I'll try. MIKE [as Luke]: I'll try not to shoot myself down, sir. > Red Leader hurries to his own ship. > BIGGS: I've got to get aboard. Listen, you'll tell me your stories when > we come back. All right? > LUKE: I told you I'd make it someday, Biggs. > BIGGS: (going off) You did, all right. It's going to be like old times, > Luke. SERVO [as Biggs]: Yeah, like all those other times we've blown up Imperial space stations together... > We're a couple of shooting stars that'll never be stopped! > Luke laughs and shakes his head in agreement. He heads for his ship. As > Luke begins to climb up the ladder into his sleek, deadly spaceship, the > crew chief, who is working on the craft, points to little Artoo, who is > being hoisted into a socket on the back of the fighter. CROW [muffled]: Mmmpf! Mmmpf! MIKE [still holding Crow's mouth shut]: Whoops! Sorry, buddy. I forgot. [He lets go of Crow.] CROW [annoyed]: Sheesh, Mike. > CHIEF: This R2 unit of your seems a bit beat up. Do you want a new one? > LUKE: Not on your life! That little droid and I have been through a lot > together. You okay, Artoo? > Artoo beeps a "yes" as the crewmen lower Artoo-Detoo into the craft. SERVO: Insert droid for 2-3 minutes, or until golden brown. > Luke climbs up into the cockpit of his fighter and puts on his helmet. > Threepio looks on from the floor of the massive hangar as the crewmen > secure his little electronic partner into Luke's X-wing as Artoo beeps > good-bye. > CHIEF: Okay, easy she goes! > THREEPIO: Hang on tight, Artoo, you've got to come back. > Artoo beeps in agreement. > THREEPIO: You wouldn't want my life to get boring, would you? MIKE [as C3PO]: Keep warm, honey. > Artoo whistles his reply. All final preparations are made for the > approaching battle. The hangar is buzzing with the last minute activity > as the pilots and crewmen alike make their final adjustments. The hum of > activity is occasionally trespassed by the distorted voice of the > loudspeaker issuing commands. Coupling hoses are disconnected from the > ships as they are fueled. Cockpit shields roll smoothly into place over > each pilot. A signalman, holding red guiding lights, directs the ships. SERVO [as though he were an intercom voice]: The red zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no parking in the red zone. > Luke, a trace of a smile gracing his lips, peers about through his goggles. > BEN'S VOICE: Luke, the Force will be with you. > Luke is confused at the voice and taps his headphones. MIKE [as Luke]: Hey, could I get some Collective Soul in here? > The princess, Threepio, and a field commander sit quietly before the > giant display showing the planet Yavin and its four moons. The red dot > that represents the Death Star moves ever closer to the system. CROW: Oh, it's a new version of Pac-Man. > A series of green dots appear around the fourth moon. A din of indistinct > chatter fills the war room. > MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: Stand-by alert. Death Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes. > The Death Star slowly moves behind the massive yellow surface of Yavin in > the foreground, as many X-wing fighters flying in formation zoom toward us > and out of the frame. [Mike and the Bots scream in terror as the X-Wings head right for them.] > Red Leader lowers his visor CROW: Easy Rider, no! > and adjusts his gun sights, looking to each side at his wing men. > RED LEADER: All wings report in. > RED TEN: Red Ten standing by. > RED SEVEN: Red Seven standing by. > BIGGS: Red Three standing by. > PORKINS: Red Six standing by. > RED NINE: Red Nine standing by. > WEDGE: Red Two standing by. > RED ELEVEN: Red Eleven standing by. > LUKE: Red Five standing by. SERVO: Big Bird standing by. > The group of X-wing fighters move in formation toward the Death Star, > unfolding the wings and locking them in the "X" position. CROW: So that's why they're called X-Wing Fighters? SERVO [puzzled]: I thought it meant that they used to be Wing Fighters, but weren't anymore. > RED LEADER: (over headset) We're passing through their magnetic field. > Hold tight! > Luke adjusts his controls as he concentrates on the approaching Death Star. > The ship begins to be buffeted slightly. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Switch your deflectors on. > The fighters, now X-shaped darts, move in formation. The Death Star now > appears to be a small moon growing rapidly in size as the Rebel fighters > approach. Complex patterns on the metallic surface begin to become > visible. A large dish antenna is built into the surface on one side. SERVO: Oh, I bet they get the Sci-Fi channel. > WEDGE: Look at the size of that thing! MIKE: Oh, zip your pants, Wedge. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Cut the chatter, Red Two. Accelerate to > attack speed. This is it, boys! SERVO [as Red Leader]: We're all gonna die! > GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. > RED LEADER: (over headset) I copy, Gold Leader. > GOLD LEADER: We're starting for the target shaft now. > Red Leader looks around at his wingmen; the Death Star looming in from > behind. Two Y-wing fighters bob back and forth in the background. He > moves his computer targeting device into position. > RED LEADER: We're in position. I'm going to cut across the axis and try > and draw their fire. > Two squads of Rebel fighters peel off. The X-wings dive towards the Death > Star surface. A thousand lights glow across the dark grey expanse of the > huge station. Laserbolts streak through the star-filled night. CROW: So how come they never film outer-space sequences during the day? > The Rebel X-wing fighters move in toward the Imperial base, as the Death > Star aims its massive laser guns at the Rebel forces and fires. Princess > Leia listens to the battle over the intercom. Threepio is at her side. MIKE [as Leia]: Oh, this is boring. Switch it over to Howard Stern. > WEDGE: (over war room speaker system) Heavy fire, boss! Twenty-degrees. > RED LEADER: (over speaker) I see it. Stay low. > An X-wing zooms across the surface of the Death Star. [Servo makes the sound of the Jetsons' car.] > Luke nosedives radically, starting his attack on the monstrous fortress. > The Death Star surface streaks past the cockpit window. > LUKE: This is Red Five; I'm going in! MIKE [as Biggs]: Good luck, Wormie. > Luke's X-wing races toward the Death Star. Laserbolts streak from Luke's > weapons, creating a huge fireball explosion on the dim surface. Terror > crosses Luke's face as he realizes he won't be able to pull out in time to > avoid the fireball. > BIGGS: (over headset) Luke, pull up! > Luke's ship emerges from the fireball, with the leading edges of his wings > slightly scorched. > BIGGS: Are you all right? > Luke adjusts his controls and breathes a sigh of relief. Flak bursts > outside the cockpit window. > LUKE: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. CROW: *That's* our hero? He flies straight into one of his own fireballs? SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! It's hot! My ice cream is melting! > Walls buckle and cave in. Troops and equipment are blown in all > directions. Stormtroopers stagger out of the rubble. Standing in the > middle of the chaos, a vision of calm and foreboding, is Darth Vader. > One of his Astro-Officers rushes up to him. > ASTRO-OFFICER: We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader. MIKE [as the Officer]: Depending on whether or not this is the Special Edition of the movie. > But they're so small they're evading our turbo-lasers! > VADER: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Get the crews to their > fighters. > Smoke belches from the giant laser guns as they wind up their turbine > generators to create sufficient power. The crew rushes about preparing > for another blast. Even the troopers head gear is not adequate to protect > them from the overwhelming noise of the monstrous weapon. One trooper > bangs his helmet with his hand in an attempt to stop the ringing. CROW: Pete Townshend, no! > Red Leader flies through a heavy hail of flak. > RED LEADER: Luke, let me know when you're going in. > Red Leader's X-wing flies past Luke as he puts his nose down and starts > his attack dive. > LUKE: I'm on my way in now... > RED LEADER: Watch yourself! There's a lot of fire coming from the right > side of that deflection tower. > LUKE: I'm on it. SERVO [as Luke]: Oh boy! Another fireball to fly through! > Luke flings his X-wing into a twisting dive across the horizon and down > onto the dim grey surface. > A shot hurls from Luke's guns. Laserbolts streak toward the onrushing > Death Star surface. Several small radar emplacements erupt in flame. > Laserfire erupts from a protruding tower on the surface. SERVO: Watch out for snakes! > The blurry Death Star surface races past the cockpit window as a big > smile sweeps across Luke's face at the success of his run. Flak thunders > on all sides of him. The thunder and smoke of the big guns reverberate > throughout the massive structure. Many soldiers rush about in the smoke > and chaos, silhouetted by the almost continual flash of explosions. MIKE [singing]: For those about to rock... > Princess Leia, surrounded by her generals and aides, paces nervously > before a lighted computer table. On all sides technicians work in front > of many lighted glass walls. Dodonna watches quietly from one corner. One > of the officers working over a screen speaks into his headset. > CONTROL OFFICER: Squad leaders, we've picked up a new group of signals. > Enemy fighters coming your way. > Luke looks around to see if he can spot the approaching Imperial fighters. > LUKE: My scope's negative. I don't see anything. SERVO [as Luke]: Of course, my eyes are closed... > The Death Star's surface sweeps past as Red Leader searches the sky for > the Imperial fighters. Flak pounds at his ship. > RED LEADER: Keep up your visual scanning. With all this jamming, CROW [as Red Leader]: The band is getting really tight! > they'll be on top of you before your scope can pick them up. > Silhouetted against the rim lights of the Death Star horizon, four > ferocious Imperial TIE ships dive on the Rebel fighters. Two of the TIE > fighters peel off and drop out of frame. Pan with the remaining two TIE > ships. > RED LEADER: Biggs! You've picked one up...watch it! > BIGGS: I can't see it! Where is he?! MIKE [as Luke]: So Biggs, is this a good time to tell you one of my stories? See, once upon a time there was this girl, and she had this red hood... > Biggs zooms off the surface and into space, closely followed by an > Imperial TIE fighter. The TIE ship fires several laserbolts at Biggs, but > misses. Biggs see the TIE ship behind him and swings around, trying to > avoid him. > BIGGS: He's on me tight, I can't shake him... I can't shake him. > Biggs, flying at high altitude, peels off and dives toward the Death Star > surface, but he is unable to lose the TIE fighter, who sticks close to > his tail. MIKE [as Luke]: And I think she went to Grandma's house for something. Yeah, and she had, like, a picnic basket, you know? > Luke is flying upside down. He rotates his ship around to normal attitude > as he comes out of his dive. > LUKE: Hang on, Biggs, I'm coming in. > Biggs and the tailing TIE ship dive for the surface, now followed by a > fast-gaining Luke. After Biggs dives out of sight, Luke chases the > Imperial fighter. MIKE [as Luke]: Biggs, are you listening? See, there was a wolf, and he ate the lunch or something. And then he wasn't hungry anymore. The end. What'd ya think? Biggs? > There is a shot from Luke's X-wing of the TIE ship exploding in a mass of > flames. > LUKE: Got him! CROW [as Martin Laurence]: How ya like me NOW? > Darth Vader strides purposefully down a Death Star corridor, flanked by > Imperial stormtroopers. > VADER: Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Come with me! > A concerned Princess Leia, Threepio, Dodonna, and other officers of the > Rebellion stand around the huge round readout screen, listening to the > ship-to-ship communication on the room's loudspeaker. > BIGGS: (over speaker) Pull in! Luke...pull in! > WEDGE: (over speaker) Watch your back, Luke! SERVO [as Luke, patiently]: That's physically impossible, Wedge. > WEDGE: Fighter's above you, coming in! > Luke's ship soars away from the Death Star's surface as he spots the > tailing TIE fighter. The TIE pilot takes aim at Luke's X-wing. MIKE [as TIE pilot]: You're not too impressive now, are you, Wing Commander? > The Imperial TIE fighter pilot scores a hit on Luke's ship. Fire breaks > out on the right side of the X-wing. Luke looks out of his cockpit at > the flames on his ship. > LUKE: I'm hit, ALL: Yay! > but not bad. ALL: Boo! > LUKE'S VOICE: Artoo, see what you can do with it. Hang on back there. > RED LEADER: (over speaker) Red six, can you see Red Five? > RED TEN: (over speaker) There's a heavy fire zone on this side. Red Five, > where are you? > Luke's ship soars closer to the surface of the Death Star, an Imperial > TIE fighter closing in on him in hot pursuit. > WEDGE: I'm on him, Luke! Hold on! > Wedge dives across the horizon toward Luke and the TIE fighter. MIKE [Reporter voice]: And the X-wing fighter is making a beautiful dive across the surface of the station. The crowd loves it! Easily an 8.5 or better... > Luke reacts frantically. SERVO [as Luke]: Waaaah! Waaaah! > LUKE: Blast it! Wedge where are you? > The fighter pilot watches Wedge's X-wing approach. Another X-wing joins > him, and both unleash a volley of laserfire on the Imperial fighter. The > TIE fighter explodes, filling the screen with white light. > LUKE: Thanks, Wedge. > Leia, Threepio, Dodonna and other Rebel officers are listening to the > Rebel Fighter's radio transmissions over the war room intercom. > BIGGS: (over speaker) Good shooting, Wedge! MIKE: All hail Wedge! > GOLD LEADER: (over speaker) Red Leader... > Gold Leader peels off and starts toward the long trenches at the Death > Star surface pole. [Servo makes the sound of squealing tires.] > GOLD LEADER: This is Gold Leader. We're starting out attack run. > Three Y-wing fighters of the Gold group dive out of the stars toward the > Death Star surface. Darth Vader calmly adjusts his control stick. > VADER: Stay in attack formation! CROW [James Earl Jones voice]: This... is CNN. > GOLD LEADER: (over speaker) The exhaust port is... MIKE: Exhausted! > marked and locked in! > Gold Leader races down the enormous trench that leads to the exhaust port. > Laserbolts blast toward him in increasing numbers, occasionally exploding > near the ship causing it to bounce about. > GOLD LEADER: Switch power to front deflector screens. SERVO [as Gold Leader]: Turn the doohickey and rotate the thingamabobs. > GOLD FIVE: (over speaker) I'd say about twenty guns. Some on the surface, > some on the towers. > Leia, Threepio, and the technicians view the projected target screen, as > red and blue target lights glow. The red target near the center blinks on > and off. > MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: (over speaker) The Death Star will be in range in > five minutes. SERVO [as Intercom voice]: Peterson... your table is ready. > Gold Two, a younger pilot about Luke's age, pulls down his targeting eye > viewer and adjusts it. His ship shudders under intense laser barrage. > GOLD TWO: Computer's locked. MIKE: Oh, he must be running Windows. > Gold Five looks behind him. > GOLD FIVE: Stabilize your read deflectors. Watch for enemy fighters. > Darth Vader calmly adjusts his control stick as the stars zoom by. SERVO [as Cal, from This Island Earth]: All this jerking around has caused a flame-out. > VADER: I'll take them myself! Cover me! > WINGMAN'S VOICE: (over speaker) Yes, sir. > Three TIE fighters zoom across the surface of the Death Star. Vader > lines up Gold Two in his targeting computer. Vader's hands grip the > control stick as he presses the button. SERVO [as Vader]: All those years of playing Zaxxon finally paid off. > As Gold Two's ship explodes, debris is flung out into space. The three > TIE fighters race along in the trench in a tight formation. > GOLD FIVE: Stay on target. > GOLD LEADER: We're too close. MIKE [as Gold Leader]: I think we should see other people. > GOLD FIVE: Stay on target! > GOLD LEADER: Loosen up! CROW: Get funky! > Gold Leader's ship is hit by Vader's laser. Gold Leader explodes in a ball > of flames, throwing debris in all directions. > GOLD FIVE: Gold Five to Red Leader... > GOLD FIVE: (over headset) Lost Tiree, lost Dutch. > RED LEADER: I copy, Gold Five. > GOLD FIVE: They came from behind.... SERVO: And won the game in double overtime! > One of the engines explodes on Gold Five's Y-wing fighter, blazing out of > control. He dives past the horizon toward the Death Star's surface, > passing a TIE fighter during his descent. Gold Five, a veteran of > countless campaigns, spins toward his death. Luke looks nervously about > him at the explosive battle. CROW [Urkel voice]: Did I do that? > Grand Moff Tarkin and a Chief Officer stand in the Death Star's control > room. > OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should > I have your ship standing by? > TARKIN: Evacuate? In out moment of triumph? I think you overestimate > their chances! > Tarkin turns to the computer readout screen. Flames move around the > green disk at the center of the screen, MIKE [pointing]: Aaa! The computer's on fire! > as numbers read across the bottom. > VOICE: (over speaker) Rebel base, three minutes and closing. SERVO: Please make your final selections and move to the front of the base for checkout. > RED LEADER: Red Group, this is Red Leader. > Dodonna moves to the intercom as he fiddles with the computer keys. SERVO [as Dodonna]: Boy, this "Zork" is addictive! > RED LEADER: (over speaker) Rendezvous at mark six point one. > WEDGE: (over speaker) This is Red Two. Flying toward you. > BIGGS: (over speaker) Red Three, standing by. > DODONNA: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your > group out of range for the next run. > RED LEADER'S VOICE: (over headset) Copy, Base One. Luke, take Red Two > and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal...to start your run. > Luke nods his head. CROW: So Red Leader can see Luke nodding over the radio? SERVO: His eye-sight is *really* good. > The X-wing fighters of Luke, Biggs, and Wedge fly in formation high > above the Death Star's surface. MIKE: And coming up next: Wings! > Red Leader looks around to watch for the TIE fighters. He begins to > perspire. SERVO [as Chief Wiggum]: Sweatin' like a pig, here. > RED LEADER: This is it! > Red Leader roams down the trench of the Death Star as lasers streak > across the black heavens. A huge remote-control laser cannon fires at > the approaching Rebel fighters. The Rebel fighters evade the Imperial > laser blasts. Red Ten looks around wildly. MIKE [as Red Ten]: The flying elves are everywhere! > RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now. > From the cockpits of the Rebel pilots, the surface of the Death Star > streaks by, with Imperial laserfire shooting toward them. > RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those fighters! > RED TEN: There's too much interference! > Three X-wing fighters move in formation down the Death Star trench. > RED TEN'S VOICE: Red Five, can you see them from where you are? > Luke looks down at the Death Star surface below. > LUKE: No sign of any... wait! > Red Ten looks up and sees the Imperial fighters. > LUKE: (over headset) Coming in point three five. MIKE: Point three five? So roughly one-third of a TIE-fighter is attacking? SERVO: Yeah. Him and his 2.5 children. > RED TEN: I see them. > Three TIE fighters, Vader flanked by two wingmen, dive in a tight > formation. The sun reflects off their dominate solar fins as they loop > toward the Death Star's surface. Red Leader pulls his targeting device > in front of his eyes and makes several adjustments. SERVO [as Red Leader]: I'll just program the VCR to tape Letterman... > RED LEADER: I'm in range. > Red Leader's X-wing moves up the Death Star trench. > RED LEADER: Target's coming up! > Red Leader looks at his computer target readout screen. CROW [as Red Leader]: What? General Protection Fault in module PLOT.EXE? [Commercial break] -- END PART 7 --