Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents: Star Wars: A New Hope (Special Edition) "Star Wars" screenplay written by George Lucas MST3K Parody by Joe Barlow (jbarlow@ipass.net) Part 8, Fifth Draft Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Lucasfilm, Ltd. All Star Wars characters and locations, plus the script itself, were created by George Lucas. Mystery Science Theater 3000 (aka MST3K) is a registered trademark of Best Brains, as are the MST3K characters and locations. -------------------------------- > RED LEADER: Just hold them off for a few seconds. > Vader adjusts his control lever [Servo makes toilet-flushing noises.] > and dives on the X-wing fighters. > VADER: Close up formation. > The three TIE fighters move in formation across the Death Star surface. > Red Leader lines up his target on the targeting device cross hairs. > Vader and his wingmen zoom down the trench. [Crow and Servo make the Mitchell "waka-chika-waka-chika" music.] > Vader rapidly approaches the two X-wings of Red Ten and Red Twelve. > Vader's laser cannon flashes below the view of the front porthole. the > X-wings show in the center of Vader's computer screen. MIKE: Oh, he's playing "Tie Fighter". CROW: Literally! > Red Twelve's X-wing fighter is hit by Vader's laserfire, and it explodes > into flames against the trench. > Red Ten works at his controls furiously, trying to avoid Vader's fighter > behind him. Red Leader is concentrating on his targeting device. > RED LEADER: Almost there! MIKE [Papa Smurf voice]: Not far now... > Vader and his wingmen whip through the trench in pursuit of the Rebel > fighters. Vader cooly pushes the fire button on his control stick. SERVO [as Vader, deadpan]: Bang. > Darth Vader's well-aimed laserfire proves to be unavoidable, and strikes > Red Ten's ship. Red Ten screams in anguish and pain. Red Ten's ship > explodes and bursts into flames. CROW [as The Human Torch]: Flame on! > Grimly, Red Leader takes careful aim and watches his computer targeting > device, which shows the target lined up in the cross hairs, and fires. > RED LEADER: It's away! > An armed Imperial stormtrooper is knocked to the floor from the attack > explosion. Other troopers scurrying about the corridors are knocked > against the wall and lose their balance. Leia and the others stare at the > computer screen. > RED NINE'S VOICE: (over speaker) It's a hit! SERVO: It's number one on the charts! > RED LEADER: (over speaker) Negative. > Red Leader looks back at the receding Death Star. Tiny explosions are > visible in the distance. > RED LEADER: Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface. SERVO [pointedly]: Sound familiar, Mike? MIKE: Huh? > Darth Vader peels off in pursuit as Red Leader's X-wing passes the Death > Star horizon. Vader swings his ship around for the next kill. > LUKE: (over headset) Red Leader, we're right above you. MIKE: Always thinking of you... over. > Turn to point... > Luke tries to spot Red Leader. He looks down at the Death Star surface. > LUKE: ...oh-five; we'll cover for you. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Stay there... I just lost my starboard engine. > RED LEADER: (over headset) Get set to make your attack run. > Vader's gloved hands make contact with the control sticks, and he presses > their firing buttons. CROW: He's controlling his ship with the Nintendo power glove! > Laserbolts are flung from Vader's TIE fighter, connecting with Red > Leader's Rebel X-wing fighter. Red Leader's ship explodes. Luke looks > out the window of his X-wing at the explosion far below. Grand Moff > Tarkin casts a sinister eye at the computer screen. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, one minute and closing. > Dodonna and Princess Leia, with Threepio beside them, listen intently to > the talk between the pilots. The room is grim after Red Leader's death. > Princess Leia nervously paces the room. > LUKE: (over speaker) Biggs, Wedge, let's close it up. We're going in. > We're going in full throttle. > WEDGE: Right with you, boss. > The two X-wings peel off against a background of stars and dive toward > the Death Star. > BIGGS: Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time? [Crow cracks up at this line, but after a look from Mike, he shuts up.] > LUKE: It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. SERVO [bum's voice] Hey mister, can you spare a canyon? > The three X-wings move in, unleashing a barrage of laserfire. Laserbolts > are returned from the Death Star. Luke's lifelong friend struggles with > his controls. > BIGGS: We'll stay back far enough to cover you. CROW [as Biggs]: With ten tons of soil. > Flak and laserbolts flash outside Luke's cockpit window. > WEDGE: (over headset) My scope shows the tower, but I can't see the > exhaust port! Are you sure the computer can hit it? > The Death Star laser cannon slowly rotates as it shoots laserbolts. Luke > looks around for the Imperial TIE fighters. He thinks for a moment and > then moves his targeting device into position. > LUKE: Watch yourself! Increase speed full throttle! [Mike and the Bots make race-car sounds.] > WEDGE: What about the tower? > LUKE: You worry about those fighters! I'll worry about the tower! > Luke's X-wing streaks through the trench, firing lasers. Luke breaks > into a nervous sweat as the laserfire is returned, nicking one of his > wings close to the engine. > LUKE: (to Artoo) Artoo... that stabilizer's broken loose again! See if > you can't lock it down! > Artoo works to repair the damages. Wedge looks up and sees the TIE ships. > Luke's targeting device marks off the distance to the target. Vader and > his wingmen zoom closer. MIKE [waving his hand angrily in the air]: Well, pass if you're gonna! Sheesh! > Vader adjusts his controls and fires laserbolts at two X-wings flying > down the trench. He scores a direct hit on Wedge. Leia and the others > are grouped around the computer board. > WEDGE: (over speaker) I'm hit! I can't stay with you. > LUKE: (over speaker) Get clear, Wedge. You can't do any more good back > there! SERVO [as Luke]: Thanks for playing! Bye! > WEDGE: Sorry! > Wedge pulls his crippled X-wing back away from the battle. Vader watches > the escape but issues a command to his wingmen. > VADER: Let him go! Stay on the leader! > Luke's X-wing speeds down the trench; the three TIE fighters, still in > perfect unbroken formation, trail close behind. CROW: So it's a sci-fi version of "Duel", all of a sudden? > Biggs looks around at the TIE fighters. He is worried. > BIGGS: Hurry, Luke, they're coming in much faster this time. I can't > hold them! > LUKE: Artoo, try and increase the power! SERVO [as Luke]: And change the oil and rotate the tires while you're at it. > Ignoring the bumpy ride, flak, and lasers, a beeping Artoo-Detoo > struggles to increase the power, his dome turning from side to side. > Stealthily, the TIE formation creeps closer. Vader adjusts his control > stick. MIKE [as Vader]: I'll just enter the secret code for unlimited lives... > Biggs looks around at the TIE fighters. Luke looks into his targeting > device. SERVO [as Red Leader]: Luke, honey, put the Viewmaster away. > He moves it away for a moment and ponders its use. He looks back into the > computer targeter. > BIGGS: (over headset) Hurry up, Luke! > Vader and his wingmen race through the Death Star trench. Biggs moves in > to cover for Luke, but Vader gains on him. Biggs sees the TIE fighter > aiming at him. Vader squeezes the fire button on his controls. Biggs' > cockpit explodes around him, lighting him in red. MIKE: Biggs enflambe'! SERVO: Ouch! > Biggs' ship bursts into a million flaming bits and scatters across the > surface. Leia and the others stare at the computer board. Luke is > stunned by Biggs' death. His eyes are watering, but his anger is also > growing. CROW [as Luke, crying]: I never got to tell him my story about the three bears... > VADER: I'm on the leader. > THREEPIO: Hang on, Artoo! > Luke concentrates on his targeting device. Three TIE fighters charge > away down the trench toward Luke. Vader's finger's curls around the > control stick. CROW: You know, Vader's having just a little *too* much fun with that control stick. > Luke adjusts the lens of his targeting device as his ship charges down > the trench. He looks into the targeting device, then starts at a voice > he hears. > BEN'S VOICE: Use the Force, Luke. [Mike and the Bots jump in surprise at the voice.] > Luke looks up, then starts to look back into the targeting device. He has > second thoughts. > BEN'S VOICE: Let go, Luke. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Use cruise-control, Luke. > A grim determination sweeps across Luke's face as he closes his eyes. > Inside Vader's cockpit: MIKE [as Ben, Grandpa Simpson voice]: Use the force... oops! Wrong cockpit! > VADER: The Force is strong with this one! > Luke looks to the targeting device, then away as he hears Ben's voice. > BEN'S VOICE: Luke, trust me. SERVO: Famous last words. > Luke's hand reaches for the control panel and presses the button. The > targeting device moves away. Leia and the others stand watching the > projected screen. > BASE VOICE: (over speaker) His computer's off. Luke, you switched off > your computer. What's wrong? > LUKE: (over speaker) Nothing. CROW [as Luke]: I finished downloading the dirty pictures, that's all. > I'm all right. > Luke's ship streaks ever close to the exhaust port. SERVO [Tour Guide voice]: Exhaust port, 10 miles. MIKE [Tour Guide voice]: Last gas till exhaust port! CROW [Tour Guide voice]: Be sure to visit the exhaust port gift shop! > Artoo-Detoo turns his head from side to side, MIKE: Robotic Stevie Wonder! > beeping in anticipation. The three TIE fighters, manned by Vader and his > two wingmen, follow Luke's X-wing down the trench. Vader maneuvers his > controls as he looks at his doomed target. He presses the fire buttons on > his control sticks. Laserfire shoots toward Luke's X-wing fighter. A > large burst of Vader's laserfire engulfs Artoo. The arms go limp on the > smoking little droid as he makes a high- pitched sound. CROW [as R2D2] Aaaa! Flashback! > Smoke billows out around little Artoo and sparks begin to fly. > LUKE: I've lost Artoo! > Artoo's beeping sounds die out. Leia and the others stare intently at > the projected screen, while Threepio watches the Princess. Lights > representing the Death Star and targets glow brightly. > MASSASSI INTERCOM VOICE: The Death Star has cleared the planet. The > Death Star has cleared the planet. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, in range. > TARKIN: You may fire when ready. > DEATH STAR INTERCOM VOICE: Commence primary ignition. [Mike and the bots make car sounds.] > An officer reaches up and pushes buttons on the control panel, as green > lighted buttons turn to red. The three TIE fighters zoom down the Death > Star trench in pursuit of Luke, never breaking formation. Luke looks > anxiously at the exhaust port. MIKE [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Luuuuuuke! You must come with me to the Alderaan system. CROW [as Luke]: Hush, Ben! We've done that already. > Vader adjusts his control sticks, checking his projected targeting screen. > Vader's targeting computer swings around into position. Vader takes > careful aim on Luke's X-wing fighter. > VADER: I have you now. MIKE [as Vader]: Wormie. > He pushes the fire buttons. The three TIE fighters move in on Luke. As > Vader's center fighter unleashes a volley of laserfire, one of the TIE > ships at his side is hit and explodes into flame. The two remaining ships > continue to move in. Luke looks about, wondering whose laserfire > destroyed Vader's wingman. Vader is taken by surprise, and looks out > from his cockpit. > VADER: What? SERVO [as Vader]: The hell? > Vader's wingman searches around him trying to locate the unknown attacker. > HAN: (yelling) Yahoo! > The Millennium Falcon heads right at the two TIE fighters. It's a > collision course. Vader's wingman panics at the sight of the oncoming > pirate starship and veers radically to one side, colliding with Vader's > TIE fighter in the process. Vader's wingman crashes into the side wall of > the trench and explodes. Vader's damaged ship spins out of the trench > with a damaged wing. Vader's ship spins out of control with a bent solar > fin, heading for deep space. MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Solar fins are very stylish on space vehicles these days. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: They're all the rage with the kids, aren't they, Ethel? CROW [Minnesota voice]: Oh yah. It helps cut back on wind resistance out there in space, dont'cha know. > Vader turns round and round in circles as his ship spins into space. > Solo's ship moves in toward the Death Star trench. Solo, smiling, speaks > to Luke over his headset mike. > HAN: (into mike) You're all clear, kid. > Leia and the others listen to Solo's transmission. > HAN: (over speaker) Now let's blow this thing and go home! > Luke looks up and smiles. He concentrates on the exhaust port, then fires > his laser torpedoes. CROW [child's voice]: Bang! > Luke's torpedoes shoot toward the port and seems to simply disappear into > the surface and not explode. But the shots do find their mark and have > gone into the exhaust port and are heading for the main reactor. Luke > throws his head back in relief. An Imperial soldier runs to the control > panel board and pulls the attack lever as the board behind him lights up. [Servo makes the toilet-flushing noise.] > INTERCOM VOICE: Stand by to fire at Rebel base. > Two X-wings, a Y-wing, and the pirateship race toward Yavin in the > distance. Several Imperial soldiers, flanking a pensive Grand Moff > Tarkin, busily push control levers and buttons. > INTERCOM VOICE: Standing by. > The rumble of a distant explosion begins. The Rebel ships race out of > sight, leaving the moon-like Death Star alone against a blanket of stars. > Several small flashes appear on the surface. The Death Star bursts into a > supernova, creating a spectacular heavenly display. SERVO: It blew up! [angry, to Mike]: Good one, Nelson! MIKE: Huh? I didn't have anything to do with it. SERVO: Oh, sorry. It's just that any time something blows up around here, I assume it's your fault. MIKE: Hey! > HAN: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million. > Luke is at ease, and his eyes are closed. > BEN'S VOICE: Remember, the Force will be with you...always. CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Help, Luke! I don't know how to get out of your head! > The ship rocks back and forth. Vader's ship spins off into space. The > Rebel ships race toward the fourth moon of Yavin. Luke climbs out of his > starship fighter and is cheered by a throng of ground crew and pilots. > Luke climbs down the ladder as they all welcome him with laughter, > cheers, and shouting. Princess Leia rushes toward him. > LEIA: Luke! Luke! Luke! CROW [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Luuuuuuuuke! The Force gives you power over the weak-minded! MIKE [as Luke]: Hush, Ben! > She throws her arms around Luke and hugs him as they dance around in a > circle. Solo runs in toward Luke and they embrace one another, slapping > each other on the back. > HAN: (laughing) Hey! Hey! SERVO [singing]: What can I do... > LUKE: (laughing) I knew you'd come back! I just knew it! > HAN: Well, I wasn't gonna let you get all the credit and take all the > reward. > Luke and Han look at one another, as Solo playfully shoves at Luke's face. CROW [as Han]: Does this bug you? > Leia moves in between them. > LEIA: (laughing) Hey, I knew there was more to you than money. > Luke looks toward the ship. > LUKE: Oh, no! > The fried little Artoo-Detoo is lifted off the back of the fighter and > carried off under the worried eyes of Threepio. > THREEPIO: Oh, my! Artoo! Can you hear me? Say something! (to mechanic) You > can repair him, can't you? > TECHNICIAN: We'll get to work on him right away. MIKE [as C3PO]: Install a Sound Blaster while you're in there. > THREEPIO: You must repair him! Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will > help, I'll gladly donate them. > LUKE: He'll be all right. > Interior of the Rebel Throne Room. Luke, Han, and Chewbacca enter the > huge ruins of the main temple. Hundreds of troops are lined up in neat > rows. Banners are flying and at the far end stands a vision in white, the > beautiful young Senator Leia. Luke and the others solemnly march up the > long aisle and kneel before Senator Leia. SERVO [as they're walking]: Dont'cha hate it when people watch you walk across a room? CROW [as Luke]: See? We're walking. Impressive, huh? MIKE [as Han]: Stop looking at us! CROW [as Luke]: I -- I can't take it anymore! [weeps] > From one side of the temple marches a shined-up and fully repaired Artoo- > Detoo. He waddles up to the group [Crow makes "quacking" sounds.] > and stands next to an equally pristine Threepio. Chewbacca is confused. > Dodonna and several other dignitaries sit on the left of the Princess > Leia. Leia is dressed in a long white dress and is staggeringly beautiful. [Mike and the Bots make tiger growls and the Curly "whoo whoo whoo" sound.] > She rises and places a gold medallion around Han's neck. CROW [announcer voice]: And the winner of this year's "pompous ass" award... > He winks at her. She then repeats the ceremony with Luke, who is moved by > the event. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all bow before > them. MIKE [as Han]: Worship us! > Chewbacca growls and Artoo beeps with happiness. > FADE OUT SERVO: Aaaa! Mike! I'm blind! I'm blind! MIKE: Hang in there, buddy. You're okay. [Mike and the Bots dance in their seats to the cool end-credits music.] > Written and Directed by > GEORGE LUCAS SERVO: From the man who brought you Howard the Duck, the Manos of duck films. > Produced by > GARY KURTZ > STARRING > MARK HAMILL HARRISON FORD CARRIE FISHER PETER CUSHING and ALEC GUINNESS CROW: Wormie, Pompous, Helpless, Meanie and Senile! > with > ANTHONY DANIELS, KENNY BAKER, PETER MAYHEW, DAVID PROWSE, JACK PURVIS, > EDDIE BYRNE > Production Designer > JOHN BARRY MIKE [Minnesota voice]: Oh, johnbarrys are so good in the summer time, sprinkled in with the ice cream. SERVO [Minnesota voice]: Oh, that's the truth, dont'cha know it! CROW: Mmmmm! > Director of Photography > GILBERT TAYLOR, B.S.C. > Music by > JOHN WILLIAMS > Performed by The London Symphony Orchestra; Original Music Copyright 1977 > by Fox Fanfare Music, Inc. > Special Photographic Effects Supervisor > JOHN DYKSTRA > Special Production and Mechanical Effects Supervisor > JOHN STEARS > Film Editiors > PAUL HIRSCH, MARCIA LUCAS, RICHARD CHEW > Production Supervisor > ROBERT WATTS SERVO: Watts this? A film superbly supervised by professional producer... [Mike nudges Servo and he shuts up.] > Production Illustration > RALPH McQUARRIE > Costume Designer > JOHN MOLLO > Art Directors > NORMAN REYNOLDS, LESLIE DILLEY CROW [Mrs. Bates voice]: Norman? Have you been out directing art again? MIKE [Norman Bates voice]: Yes, mother. > Make up Supervisor > STUART FREEBORN > Production Sound Mixer > DEREK BALL > Casting > IRENE LAMB, SERVO [singing]: Irene had a little lamb... > DIANE CRITTENDEN, VIC RAMOS > Supervising Sound Editor > SAM SHAW > Special Dialogue and Sound Effects > BEN BURTT > Sound Editors > ROBERT R. RUTLEDGE, GORDON DAVIDSON, GENE CORSO CROW: So these are the people who tape the sound of whales in a blender? > Supervising Music Editor > KENNETH WANNBERG > Rerecording Mixers > DON MacDOUGALL, BOB MINKLER, RAY WEST, ROBERT LITT, MIKE MINKLER, LESTER > FRESHOLTZ, RICHARD PORTMAN > Dolby Sound Consultant > STEPHEN KATZ SERVO: Dr. Katz! CROW: Medicine woman! > Orchestrations > HERBERT W. SPENCER > Music Scoring Mixer > ERIC TOMLINSON > Assistant Film Editors > TODD BOEKELHEIDE, JAY MIRACLE, > COLIN KITCHENS, BONNIE KOEHLER > Camera Operators > RONNIE TAYLOR, GEOFF GLOVER > Set Decorator > ROGER CHRISTIAN MIKE: The irony is, he's a satanist. > Production Manager > BRUCE SHARMAN SERVO: Don't squeeze the production manager! > Assistant Directors > TONY WAYE, GERRY GAVIGAN, TERRY MADDEN Location Manager > ARNOLD ROSS > Assistant to Producer > BUNNY ALSUP > Assistant to Director > LUCY AUTREY WILSON > Production Assistant > PAT CARR, MIKI HERMAN > Gaffer > RON TABERA > Property Master > FRANK BRUTON > Wardrobe Supervisor > RON BECK SERVO: He's a loser, baby. > Stunt Coordinator > PETER DIAMOND > Continuity > ANN SKINNER MIKE: I hate to admit this, but I have a strong urge to strangle Ann Skinner. > Titles > DAN PERRI > Second Unit Photography > CARROLL BALLARD, RICK CLEMENTE, > ROBERT DALVA, TAK FUIJIMOTO > Second Unit Art Direction > LEON ERICKSON, AL LOCATELLI > Second Unit Production Managers > DAVID LESTER, PETER HERALD, PEPI LENZI SERVO [as Pepe la Pew]: Ah bon, ze second unit needs mah attention... > Second Unit Make-up > RICK BAKER, DOUGLAS BESWICK > Assistant Sound Editors > ROXANNE JONES, CROW [as Sting]: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHX-anne... > KAREN SHARP > Production Controller > BRIAN GIBBS > Location Auditor > RALPH M. LEO > Assistant Auditors > STEVE CULLIP, PENNY McCARTHY, KIM FALKINBURG > Advertising/Publicity Supervisor > CHARLES LIPPINCOTT MIKE: Well, Charles did *his* job, didn't he? > Unit Publicist > BRIAN DOYLE > Still Photographer > JOHN JAY > MINIATURE AND OPTICAL EFFECTS UNIT > First Camerman > RICHARD EDLUND > Second Camerman > DENNIS MUREN > Assistant Camermen > DOUGLAS SMITH, KENNETH RALSTON, DAVID ROBMAN Second Unit Photography > BRUCE LOGAN > Composite Optical Photography > ROBERT BLALACK (PRAXIS) CROW: Didn't Praxis explode in Star Trek VI? MIKE: Yep. This must pre-date that. > Optical Photography Coordinator > PAUL ROTH > Optical Printer Operators > DAVID BERRY, DAVID McCUE, RICHARD PECORELLA, ELDON RICKMAN, JAMES VAN > TREES, JR. > Optical Camera Assistants > CALEB ASCHKYNAZO, JOHN C. MOULDS, > BRUCE NICHOLSON, > GARY SMITH, BERT TERRERI, > DONNA TRACEY, JIM WELLS, VICKY WITT > Production Supervisor > GEORGE E. MATHER SERVO: And George Mather as the Beaver. > Matte Artist > P. S. ELLENSHAW > Planet and Satellite Artist > RALF McQUARRIE > Effects Illustration and Design > JOSEPH JOHNSTON > Additional Spacecraft Design > COLIN CANTWELL > Chief Model Maker > GRANT McCUNE > Model Builders > DAVID BEASLEY, JON ERLAND, LORNE PETERSON, STEVE GAWLEY, MIKE [pointing]: Hey, check out Steve! CROW [Gomer Pyle voice]: Well, gawwwwwwwwww-ley! > PAUL HUSTON, DAVID JONES SERVO: So *that's* what he did after the Monkees broke up. > Animation and Rotoscope Design > ADAM BECKETT > Animators > MICHAEL ROSS, PETER KURAN, JONATHAN SEAY, CHRIS CASADY, LYN GERRY, DIANA > WILSON > Stop Motion Animation > JON BERG, PHIL TIPPET > Miniature Explosions > JOE VISKOCIL, GREG AUER > Computer Animation and Graphics Displays > DAN O'BANNON, LARRY CUBA, JOHN WALSH, SERVO: John Walsh worked on this movie? CROW [as John Walsh]: Welcome to Sci-Fi's Most Wanted! > JAY TEITZELL, IMAGE WEST > Film Control Coordinator > MARY M. LIND > Film Librarians > CINDY ISMAN, CONNIE McCRUM, PAMELA MALOUF > Electronic Designs > ALVAH J. MILLER > Special Components > JAMES SHOURT > Assistants, > MASAAKI NORIHORO, ELEANOR PORTER MIKE [singing]: Eleanor Porter, picks up the rice in a church... > Camera and Mechanical Design > DON TRUMBULL, RICHARD ALEXANDER, > WILLIAM SHOURT > Special Mechanical Equipment > JERRY GREENWOOD, DOUGLAS BARNETT, STUART ZIFF, DAVID SCOTT > Production Managers > BOB SHEPHERD, CROW [biblical]: Bob is my shepherd, I shall not want... > LON TINNEY > Production Staff > PATRICIA ROSE DUIGNAN, MARK KLINE, > RHONDA PECK, RON NATHAN > Assistant Editor (Opticals) > BRUCE MICHAEL GREEN > Additional Optical Effects > VAN DER VEER PHOTO EFFECTS, > RAY MERCER & COMPANY, > MODERN FILM EFFECTS, > MASTER FILM EFFECTS > DE PATIE-FRELENG ENTERPRISES, INC. > PANAVISION TECHNICOLOR Prints by DELUXE Making Films Sound Better, DOLBY > SYSTEM Noise Reduction -- High Fidelity SERVO [in a muffled, barely-understandable voice]: Dolby, making films sound better! > CAST MIKE: Oh, these clowns again. > Luke Skywalker MARK HAMILL Han Solo HARRISON FORD Princess Leia Organa > CARRIE FISHER Grand Moff Tarkin PETER CUSHING Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi ALEC > GUINNESS See-Threepio (C-3PO) ANTHONY DANIELS Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) KENNY > BAKER Chewbacca PETER MAYHEW Lord Darth Vader DAVID PROWSE Uncle Owen PHIL > BROWN Aunt Beru SHELAGH FRASER Chief Jawa JACK PERVIS General Dodonna ALEX > McCRINDLE General Willard EDDIE BYRNE Red Leader DREWE HEMLEY Red Two > (Wedge) DENNIS LAWSON Red Three (Biggs) GARRICK HAGON Red Four (John "D") > JACK KLAFF Red Six (Porkins) WILLIAM HOOTKINS Gold Leader ANGUS McINNIS > Gold Two JEREMY SINDEN Gold Five GRAHAM ASHLEY General Taggi DON HENDERSON > General Motti RICHARD LE PARMENTIER Commander One LESLIE SCHOFIELD > > Photographed in Tunisia SERVO: A suburb of Detroit. > Tikal National Park, Guatemala > Death Valley National Monument, CROW [Ronald Reagan voice]: Welcome to Death Valley National Monument. > California and at EMI Elstree Studios, Borehamwood, England Music Recorded > at Anvil Recording Studios, Denham, England Post Production Completed at > American Zoetrope, San Francisco, California Rerecording at Samuel Goldwyn > Studios, Los Angeles, California The producers wish to thank the government > of Tunisia, the Institute of Anthropology and History of Guatemala, and the > National Park Service, United States Department of the Interior, for their > cooperation. Copyright 1977 by Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation A > LUCASFILM LTD. PRODUCTION SERVO [climbing into Mike's lap]: Batteries not included. Warrenty void if seal is broken. > Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other > applicable laws and any unauthorized duplication, distribution, or > exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution > as well as civil liability. MIKE [reporter voice, as he's leaving the theater]: The surgeon general has determined that Mark Hamill's acting is hazardous to your health. Please quit today. Mike and the Bots leave the theater. Doorway sequence. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* INT: SATELLITLE OF LOVE. SERVO: You know, I hate to admit it but this really wasn't a bad movie. CROW: I agree, Servo. Even though it had the incredibly annoying Luke Skywalker... SERVO: And the incredibly pompous Han Solo... CROW: Or the hopelessly incompetent Princess Leia... SERVO: Or the unbelievably senile Obi-Wan Kenobi... CROW: Or the oh-so-very-British C3PO... SERVO: But other than that, it was great! CROW: Yeah! MIKE: Oh come on, guys. Each and every one of those characters is known and loved by millions of people around the world. SERVO [disgusted]: So's Pauly Shore, Mike. Mike opens his mouth to respond, but can't think of a snappy come back, so he shuts it again. CROW: Still, you have to wonder what happened to Obi-Wan after Vader killed him with the lightsaber. How did he just vanish like that? SERVO: And why did he leave his robe behind? Does that mean he's naked in the afterlife? Mike is about to respond, but suddenly lights everywhere begin to flash. MIKE: Hey, someone's calling on the Hexfield! Mike and the Bots turn to the viewscreen, which opens up. Standing there is Obi-Wan Kenobi, looking just as he did in the film. CROW: Hey, it's Ben Kenobi! MIKE: Wow, Ben Kenobi! What an honor! So tell us, what happened when Vader swung his lightsaber at you and you disappeared? BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice]: I fell through the floor. The stupid set designer forgot to hammer in some of the nails. My robe got caught and I fell out of it, landing naked on a pile of garden tools. MIKE [synpathetically]: Ouch! BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Yeah, I didn't like it much either, but Lucas kept the take. SERVO: But you're okay now, right? BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice, to Servo]: Oh sure. Say, you're pretty smart for a gumball machine, aren't you? Most of them don't talk. 'Course in my day, it weren't so unusual as it is now... CROW: Ha ha! He thinks you're a freak, Servo. SERVO: Shut up, Crow! BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice, to Crow]: Oh! And a talking waffle iron, too! CROW: Hey! Servo laughs at Crow. BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice, to Mike]: You've got all kinds of nice toys, little boy. Can I come over and play, too? MIKE [nervous]: Ummm... I don't think so, Mr. Kenobi. Thanks! Mike hits the button and the Hexfield begins to close. BEN [Grandpa Simpson voice]: Wait! I want a drink of water and a sponge bath! The hexfield closes. SERVO: Sheesh, what a looney. No wonder Lucas killed him off so early in the trilogy. CROW: Exactly. That guy is suffering from occasional delusions of sanity. SERVO: I still think it was caused by working with Mark Hamill. MIKE [to Cambot]: So whaddya think, sirs? INT: DEEP 13. Frank stands alone in the lab. He wears the "Force in the Box" helmet and holds the microphone. FRANK: Hey, not bad. Not bad at all. He looks around for Dr. Forrester. Dr. F is nowhere to be seen, so Frank leans close to the camera and whispers. FRANK: Now, this is the part of the show where I usually push the button to end the experiment, but I wanna try this helmet out once more. He steps back, puts on the helmet, and raises the mike to his lips. FRANK [into mike]: Dr. Forrester! You don't need to see my identification! I'm not the droid you're looking for. I can go about my business. Move along. Dr. F appears from stage left and stands behind Frank. Frank does not see him. FRANK: [into mike]: The "Force in the Box" gives me control over the weak-minded! I will find it a powerful ally. The "Force in the Box" will be with me! Always! Dr. F rips the helmet off Frank's head and hurls it to the ground. We don't see it, but we hear the sound of shattering glass. FRANK [alarmed]: Uh oh. I feel a great disturbance in the "Force in the Box"... Dr. F gives Frank a "You are going to die very slowly and painfully" look. FRANK: Umm... maybe I should, er... push the button? Dr. F says nothing, but nods slowly. Frank gives the camera a timid look, then presses the button. Click. [End credits.] STINGER CLIP: > BIGGS: "Luke, at that speed will you be able to pull out in time?" This MiSTing written 1997-8 by Joe Barlow.