It was Friday morning,
(Tom: As opposed to Tuesday and Wednesday is right out!)
and the students were waiting for the bus. Mr. Simmons had gotten all of their teachers to let them come on this fieldtrip because they were his best (and favorite, but he didn't let anyone else know) class. All of them were wearing bathing suits under their clothes.
(Mike: Just so you know, in case of emergency surfer movie.)
Arnold and Gerald were talking about what they were going to do if they were allowed any free time on the trip.
(Crow, as Arnold: I'm going to harass small crustaceans in the tide pools!)
(Tom, as Gerald: I'm going to see if I can sneak onto the nude beach!)
Helga was telling Phoebe where to punch to deck a person the quickest,
(Mike: Arrghhhhh!)
and, of course, Rhonda was talking to Nadine and Sheena about how 
(Tom: Rich she is.)
her bathing suit and sunglasses were so chic and fashionable.
(Tom: That too.)
Mr. Simmons was running over his lesson plan with himself,
(Mike, as Simmons: Well me, what do I think, or are I in disagreement with us?)
when the bus came.
(Mike clears his throat loudly.)
The kids loaded on the bus and he did a head count.
(Mike: Pygmies had eaten three, but he decided to cut his losses.)
Everyone was there. They headed to the beach and got there after a fifteen-minute drive.
(Tom starts making helicopter noises.)
(Crow: Well folks, let me tell 'ya, that plague of locusts is keeping everyone off the streets today. No vehicles anywhere in the greater Seattle area! It is abandoned down there except for one public school bus which must be driven by a insane rhesus monkey! Man, look at him go, he's doing 90 easy! I can hear those kids screaming from up here! Back to you, Tim!)
They got off and headed to a pavilion Mr. Simmons had reserved. He got them calmed down
(Tom: Here's some Valium for you, and some for you, and some for you...)
and they started their first 'learning experience'.
(Crow: I am afraid to ask why the quotes were necessary.)
(Tom: Then don't.)
He taught them about the animals and plants living there 
(Mike: You see this rare speckled starfish? Them's good eatin!)
and they tried to get as many as they could, gathering plants and catching animals.
(Crow, as The Crocodile Hunter: Well, what we've got here is the deadly and extremely irritable North American sea snake! Now, I'm gonna poke it with a stick and see if I can get 'em good and angry!)
He taught them how they interacted in their eco-system.
(Mike: You see this sea urchin? He's useless! Let's all point and laugh at him!)
(All: Ha Ha!)
Near the end of the trip, about three hours before it was time to go home,
(Crow: So, what, they have a 12 hour school day? Is this Seattle, Japan?)
Mr. Simmons announced a final activity.
(Tom: Everybody limbo!)
"Now here's your test for the today. I want to see
(Crow: You sweat, maggots!)
how much you remember from all the things that we did, so I'm having a scavenger hunt."
(Tom, as Harold: Stop, your confusing me!)
"On the list are names of various plants and animals."
(Mike: Bring me their heads!)
"You need to remember what the particular thing is, where we found it earlier,
and how to properly collect and catch it."
(Mike: All right Mr. Zebra Mussel, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an aquatic environment, if you can not afford an aquatic environment one will be provided for you...)
"As always in scavenger hunts, the first ones back here
(Crow: Are the ones who cheated.)
with all of the correct items wins."
(Mike: And everyone else fails the class, Okay, have fun!)
"I'm pairing you off and the groups are:"
(Crow: Cheech and Chong!)
(Tom: Fred and Barney!)
(Mike: Dick Clark and Ed McMahon!)
(Crow: Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis!)
(Tom: Bing Crosby and Bob Hope!)
(Mike: Han and Chewie!)
"Sid and Nadine, Sheena and Eugene, Rhonda and Harold, Park and Peapod Kid,"
(Mike: They are going to have to wait until his duplicate is ready.)
"Stinky and Iggy"
(Tom: Boy, they got scr*wed!)
"Brainy and Curly"
(Tom: Ditto)
"Phoebe and Gerald, and Arnold and Helga"
(Mike: Raise your hand if you were surprised.)
(No one raises their hand.)
(Mike: That is what I thought.)
(Crow: Wow, only 16 kids left! Simmons should have been more careful about that rip tide!) 
Helga's heart almost stopped as he read the final pair.
(Mike: She had been eating a lot of fatty food and not exercising.)
Arnold was disappointed when he heard Mr. Simmons say
(Tom, singing: I want it that way!)
Gerald's name with Phoebe, and was shocked when he heard his own with Helga.
(Mike, as Helga: All right Simmons, here's a twenty, me with football head, no questions, and it was all natural, got it?)
Gerald and Phoebe weren't sad or disappointed at all when their names were called together.
(Mike: Geroebe!)
(Tom: Pherald!)
The teams left with their lists.
(Crow: Never to be seen again.)
(Tom: Thusly, they went forth, two by two....)
Mr. Simmons was sitting down and relaxing a little at the pavilion when the kids left, then decided to walk around the beach a little. He knew the first would take at least over an hour,
(Tom: So he ran!)
so he knew he had some time to himself. He wandered around the dunes for a short while,
(Mike: And was promptly eaten by a sandworm.)
(Crow: I am Simmons of house Atreides!)
and then he stumbled
(Tom: Ow!)
upon a part of the beach with people. He looked at all the people on towels and under umbrellas.
(Crow: Fools! I will destroy them all!)
A child farther out was floundering and the lifeguard rushed to his rescue. As the lifeguard pulled the child back to shore, Mr. Simmons
(Crow: You know Mike, I really know Simmons, I don't think he could do any thing to surprise me. Nope, I know Simmons, Mike. He's and open book and...)
noticed how cute the lifeguard was.
(Crow: Whoa!)
(Tom: Hikeeba!)
(Mike: Quick! Start a diversionary conversation!)
(Tom: Oh, umm, geez, uhhhh, did you get around to defrosting the refrigerator today Crow?)
(Crow: Yeah, but there was some old stuff in there.)
(Mike: How old?)
(Crow: Well, some of it said "Joel's, don't touch" and he left the satellite back in 96'.
(Tom: Hey, I think we may be in the clear here...)
the pink trunks making him a little more confident
(Tom: Arghhhh! You were saying?)
(Mike: Well, if that was the worst of it, we should be all right.)
(Tom: Are you taking about the refrigerator, or the fanfic?)
(Mike: Yes.)
(Crow: There was a lot of beef jerky in there for some reason.)
(Mike: Okay, guys, they are past the controversial part now.)
Phoebe and Gerald were hunting up from the tide line for their second item, a type of grass.
(Crow: One that is only legal in Holland....)
(Mike: Crow! No narcotic jokes!)
They were on different sides of a largish dune.
(Tom: We must harvest the spice!)
(Mike: No! We must leave Arrakis in peace!)
"Gerald! I think I found it!" Phoebe shouted to him.
(Tom: The mystery bullet that killed President Kennedy, here it is!)
He scrambled up the dune and down the other side.
(Crow: Gerald of Arabia!)
When he reached the bottom, he tripped over the self same grass
(Tom: What?)
(Mike: Skip it?)
(Tom: Sure.)
and landed on Phoebe.
(Crow: Breaking her spine.)
(Mike: That was a little dark, Crow.)
(Crow: Sorry.)
Then they lay on top of each other.
(Mike: Violating all known laws of physics.)
Phoebe giggled nervously, then spoke. 
(Crow, as Phoebe: Is that your leg or mine?)
Her breath was heavy and sweet.
(Tom: She had drank the whole container of bug juice at the pavilion.)
"I think you found the grass."
(Crow, as Jimi Hendrix: Baaabbyy!)
(Mike: C'mon, we've got commercial sign.)
(Tom: Thusly!)
(Crow: He he he!)
(All leave the theater.)

(Commercials for Psychic hotline and Dr. Scholls medicated powder.)

(All take their seats in the theater, Arnold and Helga (Junior High versions) are on the screen.)
Helga was enjoying being partnered with Arnold. Maybe her feelings of foreboding were correct yesterday.
(Tom: Perhaps the Earth would crash into the sun!)
She forced herself not to be a jerk to him,
(Crow: Everyone else, forget it! But not him...)
and as soon as they were apart from the others, she spoke to him.
(Crow, as Helga: Arnold, just so you know I've loved you truly and deeply since pre-school.)
(Mike, as Arnold: Gee, Helga that is nice. Let's date until college, get married and spend the rest of our lives together.)
(Tom: The End)
(All get up to leave.)
"Arnold, this is a scavenger hunt, so
(All: Ohhhh!)
(They sit down again.)
we're gonna have to work together. Normally if we're partnered we fight, and I admit it usually my fault," Arnold was shocked
(Crow: By a fallen utility line...)
to hear her admit this, "But I really want us to cooperate on this, ok? I'm willing to be nice if you are." Arnold was even more shocked
(Crow: By a bolt of lightning.)
as Helga put out her hand after her statement.
"Helga, I'm always willing to try to be friends, on or off a scavenger hunt."
He put his on hers, the comfortable pressure as they shook.
(Mike: Tweeeet! Sentence fragment! 10 yards, second down!)
Helga was about to shout, "Well don't expect any friendship when we leave, football head!", when she stopped herself. "Don't be a jerk!"
(Crow: You jerk!)
They headed of to search for their items.
(Tom: Hey Arnold! and the Holy Grail!)
Later they were debating (not arguing)
(Tom: Hey, Mike, what is the difference between debating and arguing?)
(Mike: About three bottles...)
over which crab they thought was first on their list. Arnold was amazed that Helga had refrained from losing her temper or calling him any names as they calmly argued
(Crow: Hey, the author said they weren't arguing!)
(Tom: The world changed dramatically between those two sentences, my friend!)
over which one it was. When Arnold put down a valid point Helga admitted he was right, astounding Arnold.
(Mike, as Arnold: Boy, Helga gets real agreeable by the ocean. I'm gonna have to get her a dead dried up starfish at the beach shop!)
Then she headed towards the crab without sulking, Arnold was even more astounded.
(Crow: As it jumped up and viciously attacked her!)
They went after the crab, trying to get it like they'd seen Mr. Simmons do it.
(All make horrible thrashing sounds.)
(Mike: Help, aghhhhhh, children call the ambulance!)
(Crow: Blurb! Blurb! I'm drowning! Blurb!)
(Tom: Get it off me! Get it off me!)
It got near the water.
(Mike: Yeah, that's usually where crabs are.)
"Don't let it reach the sea or it's gone!"
(All singing: Born free, free as the wind blows, free as the grass grows...!)
Arnold obeyed Helga without thinking, leaping onto the crab with the net they were given for purposes like these.
(Tom: And others, some too dark and evil to be mentioned to mortal man!)
He got it just before the crab reached the sea. Unfortunately
(Crow: It was packing heat.)
Helga leapt too, and she knocked Arnold off the crab and into the incoming wave. As the wave receded, Arnold sat there, dripping. "Arnold! I'm so sorry!" she rushed over to help him up. "It's ok, Helga."
(Mike, as Arnold: These sharp, pointy rocks broke my fall.)
His clothes clung wetly to him, showing the lines of his
(Tom: wimpy, unmuscled, junior high)
chest. Helga almost let go of him when she saw how hot he looked with his clothes wet.
(Tom: Yep, that drowned rat look is all the rage this year.)
He went above the water line and took off his flannel and shirt and started wringing them out.
(Crow: The fool! Doesn't he know the dangers of permanently creasing flannel?)
Helga tried to stare at his fine chest without actually looking like she was staring.
(Tom: Apparently Arnold served a tour of duty with the Navy Seals somewhere between fourth and seventh grade.) 
When he started to take off his pants, Helga's jaw dropped.
(Crow, as Helga: That is so illegal! I can't believe I had a crush on a felon!)
"Arnold! What are you doing?"
(Mike, as Arnold: Help me! Help me! There's a barracuda in my pants!)
"It's ok, I've got swim trunks on, Helga."
"Oh, ya'. Doi, of course you would."
(Tom: You're the type whose into that aren't ya'!)
Helga started blushing at her mistake. They took a Polaroid of the crab in the net with the camera Mr. Simmons lent the students as proof they had caught it
(Crow: We've come for the bounty on this invertebrate!)
and went after their next item.
(Mike: A decent HMO.)