(I think it is easier to read in this format. Once again, thanks to Arnold4Ever, I hope she doesn't mind the mild ribbing she gets in this one.)

Phoebe and Gerald were trying to get a picture of a certain bird that was next on the list.
Gerald had climbed the tree to get the picture.

(Tom: And to evade predators…)
(Mike: The wild North American Johanssen makes his home in deciduous trees across the Pacific Northwest.)

Mr. Simmons had told them not to catch the birds on the list, just take an unobtrusive picture as proof they found it. He had found a spot in the tree where he could get a good shot without it seeing him.

(Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Red-Throated Idiot bird!)

As the flash went off, the bird panicked, startling Gerald. He lost his balance and fell off the branch, grabbing at it as he fell. 

(Tom: And Gerald didn’t do so well either!)

He landed hard, and Phoebe rushed to him and knelt by him to see if he was okay.

(Tom, as Phoebe: Please don’t be dead, it might affect my grade!)

After Gerald got his wind back, he told her he felt fine.

(Crow, as Gerald: It is all right, Mr. President, I should be able to stop Lex Luthor now!)
(Tom: Yeah, he’s fine.)

As he levered himself up with his hands, he felt a sharp stabbing pain in his palm.

(Mike: Where his bones where protruding through.)

"Ow! Sh*t!"

(Mike: Tweeeet! Foul language, Johanssen of the offense. Ten yards, second down!)
(Tom: Startin’ to get old, Mike.)

Phoebe was shocked at Gerald’s sudden outburst of vulgar language, but dismissed it and asked, "What’s wrong Gerald? Is something sprained/broken/fractured/twisted?"

(Mike: Whipped? Pureed? Fondued?)
(Crow: Washed? Rinsed? Repeated?)

Gerald laughed at her conclusion jumping in her concern. 





"It’s just a splinter. 

(Crow: Ya’ woose.)

It’s in my palm though, must’ve got it when I
grabbed at the branch."

(Crow: Ya’ think?)

"Let me get it out." She held his palm flat and steady and dug out the splinter 

(Tom: With a rusty spoon.)

as gently as she could as he grimaced in
pain. When it was out she kissed his palm.

(Mike: And he promptly sued her for malpractice.)

"What was that for?"
"What?"

(Tom: The ten pounds of herring intestines, what did you think?)

"The kiss."
"Oh! Did I kiss your palm?"
"Yes, you did. You didn’t even realize it?"
"It’s habit. 

(Mike: I’ve had therapy, but when I’m depressed…)

When I was younger my mom used to kiss my hurts because it made them feel better. I started doing it too."

(Crow: Pavlov would be proud!)

"Well, it worked." He glanced at her slyly. She blushed.
Trevor’s break came and the tanned muscular lifeguard 

(Mike: Well, gentlemen, time for some folk music then?)
(Tom: Yes, I believe so. Perhaps something from Mr. Gordon Lightfoot?)
(Crow: May I suggest the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?)
(Mike: Yes, that will do nicely. On three, one, two, three…)
(All, singing: The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they called ‘Gitche Gumee’
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy
With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty.
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed 
When the gales of November came early.)
(Mike: Hey, we are back to the less disturbing part.)

Arnold and Helga were after their fourteenth item. 

(Crow: Argyle socks.)

It was a type of muscle.

(Tom: According to the author, Arnold has plenty to spare.)

On one part of the beach, there was a cliff like, sharp land rise from the water.

(Mike: Long stretches of flat lovely beeches, then suddenly precipices from h*ll.)

Helga was edging along one of the terrace like shelves in the rock formation to get a
picture. She snapped it,

(Tom, as Devo: Snap it good!)

hugging the rock face as best she could without hands.

(Mike: She had lost hers in the war…)

She lost her balance and fell into the water. 

(Crow: And was swept out to sea where she was raised by a family of sea urchins.)

Luckily, Mr. Simmons was smart enough to get waterproof cameras for the beach.

(Tom: "Thusly" was he smart enough to stay in one grade where he can get on a tenure track and work towards retirement and ‘bennies? No. Smart enough to get waterproof cameras? Yes.)

Arnold helped her out of the water. "Great, now it’s my turn to be soaked."
"I guess we’re not having a good time with water." 

(Mike: Arnold, please, just because you have had a bad experience with a few hundred thousand water molecules doesn’t mean you should stereotype the hundreds of trillions of billions of water molecules in the Pacific Ocean.)

He pulled some seaweed out of her hair as he helped her try and
neaten up. 

(Tom: Ahh…and some mousse, there…you look marvelous!)

She started to unbutton her blouse. 

(Mike: Gentlemen, I am uncomfortable with the idea of watching a junior high school aged girl undress, shall we continue?)
(Tom: Indeed!)
(All, singing: The ship was the pride of the American side 
Coming back from some mill in Wisconsin
As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most 
With a crew and a captain well seasoned
Concluding some terms with a couple steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ship’s bell rang
Could it be the north wind they’d been feelin’?)
(Crow: We’re in the clear.)

he saw it was a bikini. 

(Tom, singing: It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, little polka dot bikini…)

As he saw her wringing out her clothes, it occurred to Arnold that he’d never really seen what a

(Tom: Ungainly, awkward, junior high…)

great figure Helga had acquired. 
He tried not to stare.

(Tom: At her huge Black Sabbath tattoo.)

At least not noticeably.

(Mike: Incomplete Sentence! Penalty on the defense, ten yards, touchdown MSTers!)
(All: Whooooo! Packers!)

"On to the fifteenth item!" 

(Crow: Paully Shore’s career!)

She marched off, leaving Arnold to follow after. ‘Helga’s actually kinda hot,’ Arnold thought to himself as he followed her, wondering why he’d never noticed it before. 

(Mike: Yeah that’s odd, he’s never taken the time to consider something as superfluous her looks. Maybe it was because he was staring through the tears of twelve years of verbal and physical abuse at her hands!)

They went after the fifteenth item, a leaf of a particular, hard-to-find tree. 

(Tom: Clever old Simmons, putting hard to find things on a scavenger hunt, what a crazy guy!)

They were walking around trying to find it, and chatting when Arnold brought up the interesting fact.

(Mike: Did you know that as you approach the speed of light, time slows down?)
(Tom: Did you know chocolate doesn’t go bad as long it doesn’t get wet?)
(Crow: Did you know you were in an episode of "The Angry Beavers"?

"Have you realized that now that Harold made it public knowledge that he’s going steady with Patty, an entire third of our class is now together."

(Crow, as Arnold: I know, I took a did a scientific study, complete with a control group and variables. Of the third, one-half considers these arrangements to be temporary, while another fourth are looking for a longer commitment, of the remaining fourth…)

Hearing this from Arnold and also thinking that her foreboding feeling had not come true Helga grew very sad and jealous. 

(Mike: And queasy, and nauseous, and discontent, irritable, reflective and somber.)

Obviously these emotions were very clear on her face.

(Tom: If you say so chief…)

"You jealous of all the couples too, Helga?"

(Crow: "Too"? We either learned more about Arnold or the author there than we wanted too.)

"What? I have no idea what you’re talking about."

(Crow, as Helga: No, I mean it, say it again, I was busy watching Park and Peapod Kid fighting off that mammoth squid!)

"I think you do, Helga," he said, giving her the sly flirty eyes. 

(Mike: That he had found on the beach that morning…)

Helga was getting mad at herself for her transparency, and at Arnold for seeing it.
"No I don’t!"

(All: Yes she does!)

"Helga, seriously, I think you’re jealous. It’s ok, I’m jealous too," he said continuing the flirty eyes. 

(Crow, as Captain Kirk: Scotty…I…must have…more power to…the flirty eye generator!)

The torturous look just made her angrier at her jealousy.

(Mike: She was also envious of her morality, and afraid of her pathos.)

"I AM NOT JEALOUS!"
"Whatever you say Helga, but I still think you’re jealous,"

(All: SHE’S JEALOUS!)

he said, increasing the flirtiness of his eyes.

(Crow, as Scotty: Captain, ‘tis no good. Ennah’ more flirtiness and I’ll have to eject the core!)
"I SAID I’M NOT!" 

(All: SHE IS!)

she said, picking up Arnold and pinning him to the tree they were looking for. 

(Tom: Oh, the irony of it all!)

"And if you say it one more time I’ll break our deal and pound you!" 

(Mike: Arnold must not of noticed the "Exposure of Deep Seated Love Interest" clause in the "no pounding" contract.)

Arnold started laughing.
"What's so funny?"

(Mike: The fact that the new president thinks that America is part of Europe.)
(Tom: The fact that "Lupaphobia" is the fear of bunnies.)
(Crow: The underlying premise of this fan-fic.)

"I just think it's funny how jealous you are."
"I said I'm not!"

(All: SHE SAID SHE ISN’T, BUT SHE’S LYING LIKE A RUG!)

"You don’t have to be jealous, you know."
"What?" 

(Tom: HE SAID "YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE JEALOUS, YOU KNOW.")

Arnold leaned in close to her face.

(All start standing up.)
(Crow: Phew! Somebody needs a breath mint.)
(Mike: We’ll finish this torrid little scene up in just a bit.)
(Tom: "Thusly"!)
(Crow: He he!)
(Mike: Come on, leave the "thuslies" alone…)

1
2
3
4
5

Cambot shows us the main deck of the Satellite of Love, where we see Mike, Tom and Crow. All are wearing glasses and ties.

(Mike: This tie really doesn’t go with my jumpsuit.)
(Tom: It looks fine!)
(Crow: Gentlemen, I would like to thank you for coming. As Superintendent of the Seattle City School District, I am sure that…)
(Mike: I have a better tie in my room.)
(Tom: That Mickey Mouse one?)
(Crow: …you are aware of my responsibilities. Due to an unbudgeted field trip by an untenured science teacher in our junior high school…
(Tom: Which one?)
(Crow:…who has since been terminated…)
(Mike: Who, the teacher or the school?)
(Crow: Knock it off you guys! Ahem! As I was saying, we are now going to have to adjust our budget. Mr. Servo, can we have your proposal?)
(Tom: Yes, what I am proposing is the readjustment of the tax base structure as well as an adjustment to the core curriculum. I feel that by scaling back on extraneous activities we can now proceed with the school year.)

Silence.

(Crow: Mr. Nelson, your ideas?)
(Tom: Any feedback on my proposal?)
(Mike: Well, on my way over I thought to myself, "Ya’ know Mike, these kids are great, so why don’t ya’ let them have the rest of the year off." So, I say we go with that.)
(Tom: Your kidding! We will lose all of our federal funding! The taxpayers will riot!)
(Mike: The feds? The taxpayers? What have they done for us? If were closed, what do we need funds for? C’mon Soup, whatta ya say? Let’s call of the rest the school year and go to Mexico!)
(Tom: Sir! I don’t believe you are listening to this nonsense!)
(Crow: Gutsy decision Mr. Nelson! I like it, c’mon we’ll go tell the press corp!)

Tom watches as Crow and Mike leave, Cambot zooms in on him.

(Tom: Well, maybe if I had made a amendment to keep the school open on a per diem basis…his tie did look pretty stupid.)

Commercial sign light comes on.

(Tom: We’ll be right back.)

(Commercials for Psychic Hotline, Mega-Hits of the Eighties, and the Green Party.)