Arnold started rocking back and forth, emotions warring in his football-shaped head. MIKE, as Arnold: Tastes great…less filling…tastes great…less filling… On one hand, TOM: Was "LOVE". he was angry and Helga for the report. CROW: That environmental impact study was going to delay construction of his shopping center for three months! On another TOM: Was "HATE". he was frustrated at his unsure feelings for her. MIKE: Did he hate her or merely dislike her? And why had he kissed her?! CROW: Oh, for crying out loud, I've already said we don't know! On yet another hand CROW: Mike! He's got three hands! He's mutating! he was worried about what his grandparents were thinking about him. TOM: He could tell they didn't believe him about the UFO/Mafia/Shirley Temple conspiracy… And ashamed at how he was acting towards everyone. MIKE: And he should be! He had been snapping and yelling at everyone, distancing himself, since science class. TOM: A whole six hours ago, what ever became of the nice sweet Arnold we all knew and loved? He thought about what had started it all, CROW: Johnson's "Great Society" legislation? and gave a humorless laugh. TOM: We know what that is like. It was astonishing how a few minutes on the beach had changed everything. MIKE: Now the Allies had the foothold they needed to liberate Europe! 'Very astonishing considering that nothing happened,' the rebellious voice mocked in his head. TOM, as Arnold: Shut up or I'll watch a Sci-Fi channel original movie! CROW, as Rebel Voice: I'll be good! He thought about the past five days. CROW, as Arnold: Sat…Saturd…Saturday…Sun…Sundra…Sunday…Moon… Mond…Monda…Thursday! No! D*mn! Weren't kisses supposed to bring people closer? TOM, generic Mafia Personage: Unless, it's da' kiss o' death, den it is da' dumpster for da' mook! Instead these two kisses had brought him away from everyone. MIKE: Well, what did he expect after three whole garlic cloves? Arnold started sobbing quietly. TOM, as Arnold: I should go to that funny looking kid who is always helping out people with problems…no, wait, that's me. Then the thought of Helga brought his anger back. CROW: Thusly… TOM: He, he, he! CROW:… Dark Side Arnold was born! He stood up and started pacing again. MIKE: Jeez! That's four and a half hours! This delivery boy is sure going to get a piece of my mind! How could she have done that to him? And not just to him, to herself. TOM: So, not just him, her only? Now I'm confused… She would be ridiculed, too. MIKE: He'd make sure of it! Then he heard her voice in his head. CROW: !ti sdnamed retsam ehT 'I did it the same way you could forget about what happened, you football headed freak.' TOM: In the library with the candlestick! He plopped onto his bed. MIKE: Eww! Must have been a line at the WC… She was right. TOM: Wait…no she wasn't! He deserved it. CROW: Arnold! Wait for an attorney before making any confessions! He'd been acting like a complete jerk. TOM: No jury in the country will convict you! Stand your ground, man! What was wrong with him that he wasn't acting like himself? MIKE: He is in a fan-fic written by adolescent girls. He started crying again. MIKE: So would I. He cried for a few hours. MIKE: Jeez, it's not that bad. It could be that one on fanfiction.net… CROW: Wuss. Meanwhile, Grandpa had told the others how weird Arnold was acting. MIKE: Way to blow the family secrets, Old Man! Some of them went up to check on him. TOM: But Arnold called them "G-Men" and pelted them with rocks and garbage! They listened at the door before knocking. They could hear him crying and grew shocked. CROW: So, they boarding house is stocked with professional Peeping Toms? They couldn't ever remember a time when they'd seen or heard Arnold cry before. They went back and told the others what they'd heard. MIKE: They told them that Arnold was crying, and said they can't remember a time he had cried. TOM: He, he, he! "Do you think Short man's in some sort of trouble? CROW: Those police helicopters buzzing the boarding house might be a clue… Something he doesn't think he can come to us for?" MIKE: Well, I don't know, how are you at exposing alien conspiracies? "Whaddaya talkin' about, Grandpa? TOM: Whattcha talkin' about, Willis? Like drugs? CROW, as Grandpa: Sure do! I mean… Arnold's not like that and you know it," said Ernie. MIKE, as Ernie: He's been drinking again, that's all. "No! I never meant that! I mean somethin' else. TOM: Something legal. Something smaller! CROW: Oh, he's just upset over the current state of Donny Osmond's career… Maybe he'll get over himself." MIKE: Now that's an original parenting philosophy. "I am sure Arnold can handle it! He is big boy! He can take care of it fine! You worry over nothing, Grandpa." TOM: Sure, take advice on child rearing from the guy who tossed his kid to a soldier and hoped for the best! "Hyunh's right for once," said Ernie, walking out of the room. CROW: No! Supporting character! Don't leave us! "What do you mean for once?! I am always right!" Mr. Hyunh went after Ernie, arguing like always. MIKE: Uh, oh. The secondary characters are abandoning the fan-fic! Meanwhile, back with Arnold, TOM, sarcasm chip: Oh, thank goodness, I was so worried about him… he had calmed down a little and was no longer crying. CROW: C'mon, chief, suck it up. Let's get some coffee in ya' and some fresh air and you'll be fine. He was trying to sort out how he felt and devise ways to solve his problems. MIKE: How he was going to get his sweet revenge! He wasn't angry at Helga anymore; he'd deserved it for being an uncharacteristic jerk. TOM: So, wait, he deserved not to feel bad? MIKE: The semi-colon contains incredible powers, used wisely it is for good, when not, disaster follows. CROW: So Arnold deserves hours of torment for doing something he thought Helga would want him too? Jeez, hope I never get a speeding ticket from this author, I don't know what I'd do in prison for thirty years… But he still wasn't sure how he felt about her. MIKE: His initial loathing was giving way to apathy. He was too ashamed to go down and apologize for his behavior to his grandparents that night; he'd do it in the morning. TOM: He'd send flowers… He'd try to act normal to everyone tomorrow, too. CROW: They would all want to forget his binge as well… The only thing he needed to do right then was call CROW: The Betty Ford Clinic? TOM: The Chief Sidekick Union negotiator? MIKE: Mr. Simmons to ask who won the scavenger hunt? Helga. ALL: Oh. Helga was lying on her bed, thinking MIKE, as Helga: Seattle, I can't believe I'm still in Seattle. about Arnold. (MIKE goes to slap CROW, who ducks away.) CROW: I'm good! Good little robot! Now she wasn't so sure how she could've done the report like that. MIKE: Interpretive dance usually isn't the format most teachers prefer. She tried to convince herself that he deserved it, but was having trouble. TOM: Well, that might be because HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT! CROW: Whoa! She loved him too much to let causing him so much pain sit easy on her conscience. CROW: Ahhh, young love. The she remembered how he'd acted, so unArnold-like, MIKE: THAT IS NOT A WORD! THAT IS SO NOT A WORD! and then she remembered that he didn't love her, and her conscience accepted what she did. TOM: 5/8ths the way through the fan-fic and now reality shows up, h*ll of a sense of timing. She was still mad at him, though the report helped a little. CROW, as Helga: Perhaps revenge is a dish best served cold? TOM: Well, Sweetheart, were glad that your destroying Arnold in front of his peers "helped a little". The phone rang. MIKE, as Helga: Yes, Mr. Mayor? What's that? Townsville is in trouble! I'm on my way! She picked it up, expecting Phoebe to be on the other end. TOM, as Helga: For the last time, your position has been terminated! I suggest you go to career development and see if any other sidekick positions need to be filled! "Helga?" She recognized the voice and her eyes narrowed. CROW, as Helga: I said I don't want to switch my long distance carrier! "What do you want, football head? Did you call to deny a few more things that never happened?" MIKE, as Arnold: No, Helga, listen! I'm in trouble! The colonials have found out about the plans! You've got to call General Washington and keep him busy 'till I can clear out of town! "I deserved that." TOM: No you didn't, but please continue… Helga was shocked. CROW: By a faulty coil in her Seally Pastrupedric bed. He wasn't angry or indignant, and he sounded so pathetically forlorn. MIKE: You mean like he usually does? He almost sounded like he'd been TOM: Written into a fan-fic written by teenaged girls? --nonsense! TOM: That's what I said, but now that I've sit through this thing, I still feel that way! "Helga, I called to apologize. CROW: Remember, you have fifth amendment rights! I've been thinking about the past few days and, well, I've been acting terribly. MIKE: She's got no proof! Your word versus hers! I never should have jumped to the conclusion that you'd want to hide the fact that we kissed," TOM: Never assume anything…it makes a…never mind. "Oh, so we actually did kiss now?" He ignored her and went on. CROW: Work through the pain, Arnold, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. "And I never should've argued with you like that. I never should have done a lot of the things I've done over the past five days. MIKE: I should never of betrayed the Continental Army, the food here on the British side isn't nearly as good… Probably the thing I never should have done the most was kiss you. ALL: We agree! I don't even know why I did!" CROW: Well, considering it was one of the only three plot devices… "Oh now Arnold, don't take back the kiss! MIKE: You can only get back a 50% refund, you can get a better resale value! That was one of the few good things you've done over the past week!" TOM: That and ordering the National Guard to break up the sidekick strike! "Why do you feel that way, Helga?" Helga blanched. CROW: Wow! "Blanched"! "Oh, umm." 'That's it, Helga! Perfect! Just great! Open mouth, insert foot. MIKE: Jump up and down. TOM: Rub belly. CROW: Hum National Anthem. Nice going!' MIKE: Oddest game of "Simon Says" I've ever seen. "I have a confession to make to you, Arnold." TOM, as Helga: Oh, Arnold forgive me for I have sinned… "No Helga, I have a confession." CROW: I ate the last hot pocket… Helga's mind raced back to her daydream from Thursday. MIKE: Huff! Puff! Sorry…Huff!…I was…Puff!…at a…convention…Huff!… …hope nothing…Puff!…happened… "I know how you feel about me." TOM: My spies have been bringing me information for years… Her anticipation was turned into disbelief. CROW: I can't believe it's not butter! "How did you find out?" she whispered. MIKE: After years of horrible, horrible abuse, it just sort of dawned on me… "After our argument Monday night, I went onto the roof to stop you from leaving. TOM, as Willy Wonka: No. Wait. Stop. I heard you crying, and then saw you talking to the locket. CROW: And eating my pigeons, but one thing at a time. And I saw the picture in the locket." "And?" MIKE: And…there goes Craig Bartlett's five years of careful plot and character development and beautiful story telling right into the dumpster. Wave gentlemen. (ALL start to wave, to the best of their abilities.) TOM: So long, write when you arrive in cartoon Nirvana. CROW, crying: Sob! I am going to miss them! "And, I just didn't know how to feel. It was confusing. You've always bullied me." MIKE, as Arnold: Abused me, ridiculed me, defiled me, maligned me, torn my very soul to shreads… "Arnold, can you be any more dense?! TOM, as Helga: Light bends around ya' for crying out loud! I swear! Ok, usually when a girl picks on a guy at such a tender young age as 3-12, it means they like ya! Crimeny! Don't you watch TV?" CROW: Mike, what does it mean when a girl older than that picks on you? MIKE: That she is a soulless, evil Ice Princess. "Oh, really? I didn't know that. MIKE: Well, kid, I've just taught you all I know about women… Heh, wow, guess I am pretty dense huh?" TOM: Yup. "Hoo boy, I'm not even gonna go there." (ALL clap politely.) "Listen, Helga, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about ya, but I'd like to make up for the way I've been acting." CROW: I've wired Western Union, their sending over a singing Gorilla telegram right now. Hope you like it, see you tomorrow! "Ok, how are you gonna do that?" MIKE: I was thinking about doing a performance piece in art tomorrow, some really Martha Graham… "Would you like to go out with me on Saturday? As a friend date?" TOM: "Friend date?" MIKE: When I was a kid, it was called "hanging out". TOM: Oh. "Well, I suppose I could let ya do that." TOM: I've only been dreaming about it for the last decade… "Good. Pick ya up at twelve, see ya then." CROW: Isn't midnight kind of late for Junior High kids? "See ya." Arnold hung up the phone and smiled, MIKE: His plan for sweet revenge was coming to full fruition… glad that he was finally becoming his old self again. TOM, as Arnold: Hyde was dead, only I remained. The remaining two school days passed by quickly. CROW: Harold had been consumed by a flesh eating virus, Curly had kidnapped Eugene and escaped across the bay to Vancouver, and Nadine had gone super-sayian and destroyed half the city, but were not concerned with the minor characters… The kids in the science class hadn't mentioned Helga's report MIKE: Wha…? Then what was the little hypochondriac going fetal over? TOM and CROW: Wuss! and Arnold and Helga were able to talk to each other without feeling too awkward. MIKE: Huh, when I tried to talk to girls in Junior High, I suddenly lost the ability to use vowels… Soon, It was Saturday. TOM: Ow! Missing time, where's my wallet? CROW: Did you ever carry a wallet? Gerald was sulking in his room. TOM, as Gerald: I can't believe I got grounded for firebombing those scab sidekicks! He decided to try his mom one last time. CROW, as Gerald: Maybe it would be fun to fall on her… He went to the kitchen. MIKE: He wanted Frito's, desperately. "Mom, Please can't I go out just for today? Pleeeeeease? Mommy? TOM: Uuggghhhhhh! I'm really starting to hate him, Mike. I love you Mommy," he said trying his best to sound cute. CROW: If he ever does that again, I'm leaving. His mom didn't buy it. MIKE: Now, her I like. "No Gerald, you said a bad word, in front of Timberly, no less. I'm sorry, but you can't go out until next weekend." TOM: That's it, Mom! Lay down the law! Smack 'em! "Aw, mom!" Gerald gave the puppy dog face. CROW: Oh God, that's it Mike, that's it. (CROW stands up, but MIKE grabs him.) MIKE: C'mon, we've been through far worse… "Gerald, TOM: I think the puppy wants his face back… you're 12, you need to act more responsibly." CROW: Aw, Mom, Jamie-O drinks milk from the carton, works on his car parts in the living room, and still doesn't have a steady job and lives at home at 24! Why don't you pick on him! Gerald went back to his room. MIKE: Where he sat brooding, waiting for his chance to strike. 'Man, I just have to see Phoebe. I need my Phoebe!' TOM, as Gollum: Must haves its! My Precious, yessssss, my…birthday …present…from long ago! He then got an idea. CROW: He'd put peanut butter and chocolate in a aerosol can! He wrote a note that said, 'Napping. Do Not Disturb.' MIKE: And took a nap… TOM: Sleep well, little sidekick. He then placed the note on his bedside table. He then propped up a bunch of pillows and put them under the covers. CROW: Come on! He doesn't actually believe that will work, does he? MIKE: Obviously, all of the intelligence in this family is carried on the "X" chromosome… He was about to sneak out the window when he felt a pang of guilt, so he scribbled another note. TOM: Mom, help! I've been turned into pillows by a witch! CROW: He, he, he! 'Mom, you caught me. I have snuck out to be with Phoebe. I'll be back soon, don't worry. You can ground me as much as you like when I return. Love, Gerald.' MIKE: Don't worry, she will. TOM: He won't be able to leave the house until he's old enough to collect social security! He put this one under the covers on top of the pillows and hoped he'd be back before anyone found out. CROW: Yeah, right. His mom heard him banging around and is down at the end of his rope ladder right now waitin' for him. He then opened the window and made his escape to Phoebe. MIKE, as Gerald: All right, careful…careful…okay…ow! Bang, bang, bang, rip, thud! Ow, my collarbone! Arnold arrived at Helga's house at exactly noon and rang the doorbell. Helga answered the door wearing exactly the same thing she wore to the beach. TOM: Is that what she was wearing before or after the plot devices? She was holding a bag, which she gave to Arnold. CROW, as Arnold: No, no, no! You were supposed to give these plans TO the British, FROM me! Arnold looked in the bag and saw a pair of red swimming trunks. TOM: Mike! MIKE: Keep your nerve, Tom. He examined the label and said to Helga, "How did you know my size?" CROW: Oh, you know, stalkin' you and stuff… "There's a lot of stuff about you that you don't know I know. MIKE, as Helga: BTW, when you shave your legs, your going to want to go up from the bottom.. Come on, we're going to the beach!" ALL: Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! "The beach?!" ALL: Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! "Yes, the beach. ALL: Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Here, take my spare bike." MIKE, Biker Voice: It's the 46' Indian. Careful, that double-clutch ain't like on Harley's of the same era… Arnold stared in disbelief at the pink bike. TOM, as Arnold: It's…beautiful! "I have to ride on THAT?" CROW, as Arnold: Thank You! "Yes, unless you want to walk. MIKE, singing: I'm walking, yes indeed, I'm walkin', 'till you come back to me! I thought you wanted to make it up to me and I say we are going to the beach." TOM: Do what your stalker says, Arnold. "Ok, you're right. Let's go." Arnold mounted the pink bike, and they rode off. CROW: Into the sunset… Gerald rang the doorbell at Phoebe's house. MIKE: Then he ran and hid in the bushes. Phoebe answered. TOM: This has come to be known as "Mistake #1". "Gerald? I thought you were supposed to be grounded for saying, ya know." CROW: No, I was grounded for saying sh*t! "Well, I just HAD to see ya Phoebes. MIKE: Caus' yer' ma' girl und all… I HAD to defy the law and taste your de-licious kisses once more before I become without them for an entire week!" TOM: So, once your caught, you won't "become without them" until your in your forties? Nice trade, Gerald. "Aww, you're so sweet Gerald, but are you sure you won't get caught?" CROW: Are you kidding? Mom already has hired the bloodhounds! "If I do, at least I'll get brownie points." "Huh?" MIKE: Yes, please explain… Gerald explained about his ingenious note. TOM: Yeah right! That's about as ingenious as mixing ammonia and bleach! "How do you know your mom won't come looking for you if she finds you gone?" CROW: Don't worry, she is. "Cuz I told her not to worry, but I just HAVE to have one more perfect day with you. MIKE: Before I'm grounded until the next Ice Age! I HAVE to!" TOM: It's down the hall on the left. "Ok Gerald, but where can we go so we won't be interrupted?" CROW, as Gerald: I know! My room! No, wait… "How 'bout the beach?" TOM: Mike! They are all going back to the beach! I'm scared! "Perfect! Lets go! I can get my dad to drive us." CROW: He doesn't know anything about the current events in my life, the know-nothing sap! (ALL get up to leave.) Gerald just grinned. TOM: I hate him, Mike! Fully, and with a passion… MIKE: I know, I know… 1 2 3 4 5 6 (Cambot shows us the main deck of the SOL, where we see TOM and CROW. ALL around them are large signs with nifty slogans. MIKE enters, sipping from his Garfield mug.) MIKE: Hey, guys, what's going on? TOM: We were thinking, Mike. MIKE: A dangerous pastime… CROW: Cute. What we were thinking about was the lousy treatment we receive from Pearl. So, we thought it was time to renegotiate our contracts. MIKE: Well, I agree about the treatment, but I don't think Mrs. Forester really cares about our living conditions, and we don't have contracts, we're prisoners. TOM: Then what other motivation do we need to strike for them? CROW: We already called down there once, Mike, but now that you're here, maybe she will listen to us! MIKE: I don't know guys, I think she would just make things worse for us, like your signs though! "Remember the Eegah!", "Free Trade and Manos Rights", cute, cute… TOM: Last chance, Mike, were calling down! MIKE: No thanks, usually I'd jump at a chance to Unionize, but we don't have any chips this time, sorry. CROW: All right, I'm pressing the button… (And he does!) (MRS. FORESTER is still sunbathing. She has been joined by OBSERVER and BOBO. She notices CROW and TOM, and lifts her sunglasses, revealing a tan line around her eyes.) MRS. F: Art, I told you that the negotiations are closed for the moment, if you want to contact the STB, we can schedule… (Back to the SOL.) CROW: Look, Pearl, we need the basic health package and the 'bennies, and the three weeks. Look, your goons down there must have a similar package… (Cut to Castle.) BOBO: Hey! We don't have a contract! I want banannies and tree winks! (MRS. F grabs a pair of rusty pliers, and pulls out a mass of his hair.) BOBO: Owwwww! I'll be quiet Lawgiver! (MRS. F clicks the pliers at BOBO, who screams, gets up, and runs away.) MRS. F: Art, you and Thomas are being very disruptive to my workforce, if you don't withdraw your requests, I'll have to use all of the evil tools at Brainguy's disposal to put down this strike. K? (Cut to SOL.) CROW: Sorry, Pearl. Can't do that. TOM: This is bigger than us, this is about America Pearl, this is about… (Cut to Castle.) MRS. F: Whatever, Brainguy, flood the satellite with Debby Boone at ultra-high frequencies. (OBSERVER wakes up, startled, drops his book, which we see is titled "Our Brains, Ourselves". He quickly stares at Pearl, then the satellite, then Pearl.) MRS. F: Well? OBSERVER: Oh! Sorry! (Whuwhuwhu…) (CUT to SOL.) (In the background, MIKE, who had been sipping from his mug, now drops it. As it shatters, he begins running around in the background, his hands held over his ears, screaming at the top of his lungs. TOM and CROW do not notice.) CROW: No dice Pearl! TOM: You'll have to do better than that! We're completely unaffected! (Cut to Castle.) MRS. F: Drat! Paleface! This time turn off the artificial gravity and spin the satellite in orbit wildly! OBSERVER: I really don't see what good that would do, they are robots and… MRS. F: Do it! OBSERVER: Yes, hurrying! (Whuwhuwhu…) (On the Satellite, MIKE is suddenly swept off his feet, and begins being violently bounced off of walls. The BOTs, who are just spinning in place, still do not notice his predicament.) CROW: C'mon Pearl! You can do better than this, we're just a tad bit dizzy and that's it! TOM: Our minds are made up and we aren't backing down until you agree to negotiate! (GYPSY enters.) GYPSY; I'm regaining control of our yaw and gravity controls…now. (MIKE suddenly falls from the ceiling to the floor with a resonant thud.) (Cut to the Castle.) MRS. F: All right! That's it! I'm taking off the kid gloves! Brainguy! Cut off their oxygen supply! OBSERVER: Pearl, I really don't see what good that will do, they are robots after all and they don't need oxy… (PEARL squirts her tanning oil all over OBSERVERS brain. He quickly grabs for it and tries to dry off the brain with his robe… OBSERVER: Ow! My brain, my brain, my brain! Ow! (Whuwhuwhu…) (On the satellite, MIKE is in the background on the floor gasping for air. The BOTs still do not recognize his situation.) GYPSY: Nope, no good! TOM: We're still standing tall! CROW: Don't make us sing Kumbya! (Cut to Castle.) MRS. F: Oh, all right! But you have to watch commercials while I draw up the paperwork! (OBSERVER and BOBO are giving the BOTs thumbs up in the background, but stop as soon as PEARL looks in their general direction.) (Cut to SOL, where commercial sign begins to flash. MIKE, is crawling up onto the desk with all his might.) CROW: Hey Mike, there you are. Guess what! We're getting contracts, and even though you didn't help, we're going to include you in the union, 'cause… (MIKE lunges for the commercial sign beacon, and then collapses to the floor. ALL stare at his immobile body.) TOM: We'll be right back, I guess… GYPSY: Mike?