He explained to Gerald everything that had happened since the field trip. TOM: Being careful to avoid talking about anyone who isn't fighting a hormone battle… He told him about the kiss and them him denying it, the fight Monday night, CROW: Where he and Mick Foley had gone for 25 minutes in the Pontiac Silverdome before Foley whapped him over the head with a two-by-four wrapped in barbed wire… and him hearing Helga confess. MIKE: I knew it! Helga is Batman! He told him about how confused and muddled his emotions had been, CROW: Foley beating the shnukey out of you with a chair will do that. and the night when TOM, singing: The lights went out in Georgia! he sorted them out and then called Helga. CROW, as Arnold: Hey, Helga, I've got a restraining order here for ya'. He told him about their conversation, and then, the entire beach trip, TOM, as Arnold: By the way, did you guys ever find out who won? CROW, as Gerald: No, I thought you two did… blushing during the parts where he glossed over the making out. MIKE: Are we sure he's blushing? Maybe it's a rash… "So you finally figured out that you like her like her." TOM: No, he just figured he could end the fan-fic sooner if he faked it. "Yeah, when I think about it, MIKE: I start to convulse… I was jealous of everyone coupling up, TOM, as Arnold: I might not be the best golfer in the world, but I like doing the back nine as much as anyone… Helga looked pretty hot, I kissed her, I felt embarrassed about what I had done and tried to forget the whole thing, and now, I'm just like what the heck, I like her, and darn it, she loves me." CROW, as Jimmy Stewart: We're going to leave this little one horse town and see the world, see? I've got it all p…p…planned out, Paris, London, Stockholm, Utica! "You're quoting from Rats again man," TOM: Oh man, Arnold is quoting rats! He's doing worse than we are! "Yeah, well…. Hey! Aren't you supposed to be grounded?" MIKE: You didn't do anything like sneaking out did you, because that would be the stupidest idea I ever heard of, you would be in so much trouble! "Shh, I snuck out. MIKE, as Fawn: We must stay quiet! The White Witch, she has spies everywhere, even some of the trees! All the de-licious kisses TOM: Three dollars! No, five! Never say that again! that take place today; they never happened, got it?" CROW: It's before the fifteenth, I would have to mark them as business expenses on my 1040… "Ok, I got it. Let's get back to our girlfriends!" MIKE: Yeah, c'mon, puberty is 'awastin! "Right on, man! Right on!" TOM: Fight the power! Arnold and Gerald went back to the place in the trees where their girlfriends were. CROW: Sitting in a discussion circle with the Powerpuff girls, Eliza Thornberry, and the majority of the female population of Cartoon Network, talking about the influential role they play in young girls lives… Arnold grabbed Helga around the waist and ALL, singing: And the iron boats go as the mariners all know, With the gales of November remembered. TOM: We've only one verse left! CROW: Couldn't we think of another folk song? MIKE: We're pushing our luck with this one, Mrs. F could turn off the air at any time! The four friends lay there happily, making out in the shade of the trees. CROW: Aghhh! I saw it in my mind! I'm unclean! I'm unclean! TOM, praying: Dear God, I'm not the most religious robot in the world, but if you would send someone to keep these hormone crazed youths off of each other, I would deeply appreciate it. MIKE: Me too, Sir, but substitute "Minnesotan" for "robot". "Mommy, mommy! We wanna go exploring in the forest!" shouted Timberly CROW: It's Timberly! Timberly is here! MIKE: That's all the proof of God's undying love I need! TOM: I'll never make fun of Lutherans again! MIKE: When did you… to her mom. "Yeah yeah, please take us! We're tired of swimming!" CROW: Our arms are getting tired and we're starting to flounder! yelled Timberly's friend MIKE: "Timberly's friend"? Wow, the author really is dead-set against minor characters, doesn't even seem to want 'em when they are there! TOM: Maybe the author couldn't think of anyone from the show in Timberly's age group and didn't want to take any liberties… (TOM thinks for a moment.) TOM: What am I saying! Simmons is "happy", Phoebe and Gerald are involved in a romance more torrid than the Snake River, which was only mildly alluded to in the series. Meanwhile, the delicate angst of Helga's hidden love, THE main plot point of the entire series, has been broken open like a cheap pair of glasses! The author could of spent the time to develop one new character! CROW: Jeez, I would say fanboy, but that was too much! to her mom who was also there. TOM: Hello, Mrs. Anonymous! MIKE: Calm down. "Ok, just be careful," said Mrs. Johanssen. TOM: No one in this fan-fic could properly raise sea monkeys! The moms took their daughters to the bunch of trees so that they could play forest CROW, as Timberly: I am the Redwood, tall, ancient, my needles long and sharp! and the girls ran ahead. MIKE, as "Friend": Is my name over here? TOM, as Timberly: Nope! MIKE, as "Friend": How about here? TOM, as Timberly: Getting warmer! "Don't stray too far!" called out the other mom. Her and Mrs. Johanssen followed behind. CROW, as Mrs. Johanssen: So, what is being in the witness protection program like? The girls were pretending to be explorers and were walking through the trees. MIKE, as "Friend": Look, we've discovered a Native American village! TOM, as Timberly: Wow! (MIKE and TOM start making vicious attack/killing noises.) MIKE, as "Friend": Die you barbarians! TOM, as Timberly: Make way for the European Immigration Wave! CROW: But we just want to live in peace with our environment and… Aaaghhh! (CROW makes gurgling sounds of death as MIKE and TOM, still as the girls, make more sounds of destruction.) Suddenly, Timberly spotted some people and she motioned her friend TOM: That's it. I'm calling her Cathy! She's nine, an average student, and an amateur tap dancer! We'll have minor characters yet! to come and investigate. CROW: Mike, what does the motion to "investigate" look like? (MIKE gesticulates.) CROW: Oh! The girls got closer and discovered the location of where Arnold, Helga, Gerald, and Phoebe were TOM: Buried in their shallow graves? making out. TOM: Crapple! MIKE: Tom, that was dark, but… TOM: But what? MIKE: But I'm beyond the point of caring… Timberly's eyes grew wide but then turned mischievous. CROW, as Timberly: I'm going to turn this 'motha out! "Shh," she whispered to her friend TOM: Cathy! Here name is Cathy! You've been friends since pre-school! putting a finger to her lips. TOM, as Timberly: Take your squad to the north ridge, we'll close at 1400 exactly. We'll flank them! MIKE, as "Cathy": Yes, ma'am! "Wanna get my brother in big trouble?" TOM: She's never forgiven him for… MIKE and CROW: Neither have we! "Yeah! Lets do it!" the other girl TOM: Cathy! whispered back. CROW: "Cathy" has a harmless crush on Gerald and is mad to see him with Phoebe. Learning from the great angst idol, Helga, her sometimes babysitter and co-conspirator, she is undertaking to undermine this relationship. She is also one of four who "know", back when that meant something. MIKE: Wow! They walked back through the trees and found their moms not far behind. MIKE, as Mrs. Johanssen: There's my good little avenging angel! "Mommy! Come see what we found!" said Timberly excitedly. TOM: Look, it's still breathing and excreting mucus! The moms followed the girls back to the spot where the making out was going on MIKE, singing: Love shack, baby tonight! and when Mrs. Johanssen saw, CROW: She wrapped it in a napkin, hit it with a rock, and threw it back into the ocean. boy was she mad. TOM, in small Boy voice: Don't know, I could check though. "Gerald Martin Johanssen!" MIKE: Tiffany Amber Theissen! TOM: Eddie Van Halen! CROW: Catherine Zeta Jones! she said very loudly and sternly. MIKE: You'd better not touch the Charmin! At hearing this, TOM: Gerald cashed in his 401K. the two couples jerked apart CROW: Shhhhleeerrrrrrppppp! and Gerald had a look of MIKE: Joy! horror on his face. "Mo-mo-mommy. Hi… I…. I…." TOM, as Gerald: I've missed you so much! Gerald squeaked. CROW, as Gerald: Great, now I've got laryngitis, what else can go wrong! All four turned MIKE: On the author, ending the fan-fic in a bloody coup 'deta! all shades of red. TOM: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mattel and K-Mart in Association with the Crimson Death Monkey, are proud to present the pageantry of the Red Color Spectrum! MIKE: Red Role Call! CROW: Maroon! MIKE: Mahogany! TOM: Pink! CROW: Magenta! "Gerald! TOM: President Ford! What are you doing here?! CROW, as President Ford: Trying to find my rationalization for pardoning Nixon… I grounded you MIKE: That's why everyone in this fan-fic is getting shocked! They are all acting as conductors! TOM: Well, all we need to do is set up that lightning rod! MIKE: What? TOM: You know, that one under your seat! MIKE: Oh, yeah! (MIKE sets about putting up the lightning rod, bonking TOM and CROW on their heads several times in the process.) and then I find you here… CROW: On this beach! In Seattle, no less! doing this!" She waved her hands in their direction. (MIKE is still fumbling around with the lightning rod.) MIKE: Well, if you think it's so easy you get out here and set it up! CROW: Ow! MIKE: Oops! Sorry! "What are YOU doing here??" TOM: This is a reserved make-out area! Gerald stammered very confusedly. CROW, as Gerald: Wha..? Who. Why, why am I in a fan-fic? "Timberly wanted to meet a friend TOM: Cathy! He knows her from the episode where we first find out she has a harmless crush on him! MIKE: Wow! at the beach so I took her here. (MIKE once again buries his head in his hands.) MIKE: It's "brought", "brought her here". CROW: Actually, we've gotten off pretty easy in terms of grammar. TOM: Yeah, if the grammar hadn't been acceptable, we wouldn't of survived the plot. Then her and her friend wanted to play TOM: Aggressive Eurasian Settlement Cohort! in the trees so they found you and showed us." CROW: And since that only happened a few minutes ago, here we are! "Timberly! ALL: Our hero! I'm gonna…." MIKE: Be grounded until your teeth fall out? Looks like! Gerald screamed angrily. TOM, as Gerald: Let me out of this fan-fic! "Gerald! Don't yell at her! CROW: Yeah, you leave her alone! MIKE: Don't make me come up there! You are in deep…" 'Sh*t,' MIKE: Okay, you two! Knock it off! TOM: That was the fan-fic, Mike. thought Gerald MIKE: Oh. though he didn't say it aloud. CROW: Guess he didn't want to spend all of his natural life in his room. "Trouble! MIKE: We've got multiple incomings! I've got no vector, I've got no… CROW: Mike, Mike, you're having a flashback! MIKE: Oh, I'm…all right now… What am I going to tell your father?" CROW: You can tell him the history of the Ottoman Empire, for as much as I care, as long as you do it outside of the fan-fic. "That this never happened?" MIKE: Get in line, we've been hoping that for the last 38 pages. "Gerald, do you take me for an idiot?" TOM: Um, if I tell you the truth, will it set me free? "No, that's why I left a note under the covers." CROW: Yeah, that didn't insult her intelligence. "Gerald, when we get home, MIKE: Here it comes! CROW: Sweet justice! TOM, as Kahn: Buried alive! Buried alive! Buried alive! you're grounded for a month. MIKE: C'mon! CROW: I thought that he was gonna be punished! TOM: Blood! I demand blood! Phoebe, MIKE, as Mrs. Johanssen: Your grounded for three years! CROW: Yeah, your supposed to be the smart one! come on, MIKE: We get to leave the fan-fic now… TOM: Lucky little… I'll take you home. CROW: Could I talk you into taking me? Timberly, you can stay with your friend. TOM: Cathy! MIKE: So, what? She's just going to leave them there on the beach? CROW: No, it's okay. Cathy and Timberly were in an episode where they wandered around the sewers and ran into the Sewer King and everything, so this is no problem. MIKE: Wow! TOM: When this is over, I'm going to miss Cathy most of all. MIKE: Who second? TOM: False. I need to take Gerald home. ALL, singing: Shananana, Shananana, hey, hey, hey, good-bye! Shananana, Shananana, hey, hey, hey, good-bye! "Thank you Mommy," Timberly said sweetly. TOM: I take that back, I forgot about Timberly! CROW: Timberly rocks, I love Timberly! MIKE: I hope she gets a spin-off series! Gerald looked like he was about to kill her. (ALL stand up, taking extreme offense at Gerald's remarks.) MIKE: Don't even think about, Kemosabee! CROW: I didn't think this fan-fic could get any more repugnant! TOM: I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! "Bye Arnold, I'll talk to ya at school," MIKE: Yeah right! I canceled your sidekick contract! Your unemployed bucko! said Gerald sadly as he and Phoebe walked away TOM: Good riddance! hand in hand. CROW: Plot device in plot device! "See ya," said Arnold. MIKE, as Arnold: Rest up, you'll need it for the next fan-fic. TOM: You mean there's more! MIKE: I wouldn't doubt it, and don't think Mrs. F isn't looking for them right now… When Gerald had gone he said to Helga, TOM, as Arnold: What, your still here? "Boy, that kinda ruined the mood didn't it?" CROW: Mood, when was there mood? TOM: What, didn't you see it? It was right up there with the character development. CROW: Cute. "Arnold, haven't you learned after everything that we've been through? CROW, as Helga: The author can make you do anything! In fact, I believe that were going to be making whoopee again momentarily! Pretend it didn't happen." MIKE: Lie to yourself, and soon you won't have to worry about reality at all! "Oh, yeah, right." TOM: That will work perfectly! Arnold grinned CROW: Knowing that there were only two sentences left… and then pressed his lips to Helga's. MIKE: Looks like Arnold finally got what he wanted… TOM: Helga's undying love? MIKE: No, for her to shut up! They continued to kiss passionately in the trees, CROW: The itty bitty little trees full of sand under the exceptionally tall boardwalk… on that beach where TOM: I lost my respect for humanity. kisses that aren't supposed to happen…. MIKE: …or at least ones that are in good taste… Happen. TOM: Tell us about it! THE END ALL: Hooray! (ALL stand up and prepare to leave.) MIKE: Hey! We never found out who won the scavenger hunt! CROW: Are you disappointed, Mike? MIKE: Yeah right, let me out of here! Back to part 11 TOM: The freak is that? MIKE: Guess this was done in installments. CROW: Just rubbing salt in the wound… (ALL make to leave the theater.) Home CROW: Yes, please… TOM: "Thusly", won't you? (ALL leave the theater.) 1 2 3 4 5 6 (Cambot shows us the main deck of the SOL. We pan in on TOM, GYPSY, CROW and MIKE. Suddenly, we circle out, as the tune to "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" starts to play! ) MIKE, singing: The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down Of the big lake they called "Gitche Gumee" TOM, singing: The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead When the skies of November turn gloomy CROW, singing: With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty. (The lights begin to go down as Cambot pulls away.) MAGIC VOICE: The good ship and true was a bone to be chewed When the gales of November came early. (Cut to the castle. PEARL, OBSERVER, and BOBO are surrounded by nautical equipment. ) OBSERVER, singing: The ship was the pride of the American side Coming back from some mill in Wisconsin As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most With a crew and a captain well seasoned BOBO, singing: Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms When they left fully loaded for Cleveland MRS. F, singing: And later that night when the ship's bell rang Could it be the north wind they'd been feelin'? (Cut to Ancient Rome. The tune of "Fitzgerald" is still playing, but now as if played by Roman instruments.) FLAVIA, singing: The wind in the wires made a tattle-tale sound And a wave broke over the railing And every man knew, as the captain did too, T'was the witch of November come stealin'. CALLIPYGEAS, singing: The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait When the Gales of November came slashin'. When afternoon came it was freezin' rain In the face of a hurricane west wind. (Cut to the Dairy Cooperative, where the other two OBSERVERs are sitting around reading biker magazines and watching TV.) OBSERVER 2: When suppertime came, the old cook came on deck sayin'. Fellas, it's too rough to feed ya. At seven P.M. a main hatchway caved in, he said Fellas, it's been good t'know ya OBSERVER 3: The captain wired that he had water comin' in And the good ship and crew was in peril. And later that night when his lights went out of sight Came the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald! (Cut to the abandoned Deep 13 set. Here, eating a pizza, we see two more fimiliar characters.) TORGO, singing: DoEs Any OnE KnOw whEre tHe LoVE of God gOEs WhEn the WaVes TurNs tHe MinUTeS tO hOUrs? ThE seaRCHers aLL sAy thEY'd hAVe maDe WhITefISh BAy, If tHEy'd put FiFTeEN mORe miLEs bEHind Her. (ORTEGA tries to sing, but it comes out his usual mumbling. His portion is done in subtitles.) ORTEGA, "singing": They might have split up or they might have capsized; May have broke deep and taken on water. And all that remains is the faces and names Of the wives and the sons and the daughters! (Cut back to the satellite. As we zoom in on Crow, the hexafield suddenly opens revealing…) MICHAELANGELO, singing: Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings In the rooms of her ice-water mansion. Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams; (Enter, stage right…) KRANKOR, singing: And farther below Lake Ontario Takes in what Lake Erie can send her, And the iron boats go as the mariners all know With the Gales of November remembered. (Cut back to the SOL where ALL are singing, and I mean ALL. Practically everyone who was visited with Pearl or Mike and the Bot's is there. ALL are holding candles and swaying back and forth, singing. They are led by…) GORDON LIGHTFOOT, singing: In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed, In the Maritime Sailor's Cathedral. The church bell chimed 'till it rang twenty-nine times, For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald. (CROW,TOM, and GYPSY step forward, and continue singing.) ALL, singing: The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down Of the big lake they call "Gitche Gumee". Superior, they said, never gives up her dead When the gales of November come early! (ALL blow out their candles, except for MIKE. ALL go silent, except TOM, CROW, and GYPSY, who carry the harmony and beat as MIKE sings.) MIKE, singing: Superior, they said…never gives up her dead… When the gales of November come early… (The scene goes dark.) (Fwooooosh.) (End theme plays as the credits roll.) Hey Arnold! Is the intellectual property of Craig Bartlett. Hey Arnold! Is the copyrighted property of Viacom via its Nickelodeon subsidiary. This fan fiction was the intellectual property of the individual who only wished to be identified as "Arnold4Ever". "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", words and music are the intellectual property of Gordon Lightfoot. Copyrighted by his music company. This MiSTing was meant in jest with no harm intended toward any individual or group. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains Productions. Thanks: Gordon Lightfoot The authors of the First Amendment All Teachers coast to coast Several disgruntled hall mates Tagline: the pink trunks making him a little more confident