The rain was brutal that night, descending on the earth as transparent bullets exploding upon landing. The sky was a deep ebony, the gilded lightning bolts the only light in the outside world. Candles burned all around, their dancing flames casting undulated shadows on the four walls that surrounded us. Scents of strawberry, blueberry, and lavender combined to five the room an exotic sensation. Strawberry. His favorite.

I looked in his eyes. They had transformed from a brilliant aqua to a stone grey. I had hurt him. Again. I could see it clearly. I had let him down. Again. He didn't need to elaborate. His face burned as it always did before the dam broke. I could see the tide pools begin to form in his eyes despite the charcoal atmosphere. I turned my head from his solemn face, those questioning eyes. I could feel the tears approach as my sight landed on a photograph taken two years before. We looked so happy, his arms wrapped securely around me. His eyes had never looked so teal.

So many secrets I had then. Secrets I wanted to conceal from him eternally. He never needed to know. I knew it would hurt him too much. But I only thought of myself. Again. He had found the papers in my bottom drawer. I actually had him convinced that my fetish for lighters was for the sole purpose of lighting candles. The incense for potpourri only. I knew he hated it. But I needed something to help me relax. I closed my eyes, imagining anything but his accusations. We had been over this before, and each time I vowed to quit. But I lied to him. Again.

I left that night. Spent the night in my '87 Honda Civic. I couldn't face him. Somehow he found me, consoled me, and convinced me to come back. Again. He told me how much he loved me. Again. But a person can only take so much.And that night sent me over the edge. He professed his undying love to me by giving the one and only thing that could satisfy us both equally. That night was the best I had ever had.

I awoke in the middle of the night. His arms were around me. I looked at him. My angel. My love. The pain I had caused him was immeasurable, and the very thought of it conscience into overdrive. I managed to move out of his embrace and retrieved some stationary from the bedside table.

To my one and only love---

I am sorry. But this is the only way. I pray that you will one day come to forgive me. I am doing this for the both of us. Never doubt the love I had and always will have for you. I know we will be together again. But until then, Adieu, my love.

Forever and Always Yours,
Liv

I laid the note on the pillow beside him and placed the pills on the back of my tongue. Everything became really hazy after the pills dissolved. I knew he would find me when he awoke. The dams in his eyes would break, and there would be questions flowing from his eyes. Again. I would hurt him. Again. I would let him down. Again. But this would be the last time.

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© 1998 Hanson: Forever & A Day