I typed this report out until my rear was all numb and swollen and I
was
sitting drenched in a percolating pool of my own saturated fats.
Most of
its true; some of its probably the fabrication of my cholesterol soaked
mind. But two sets of Lee pressons later its completed and now I can
die
happy knowing Ive left something for mankind to present to the supergoats.
So without further ad..well you get the idea
dee dee dee deee dee dee dee ..........BREEEEE!!!
The Chris Peterson F.A.T.A.S.S. V 1.0 By John Vsetula
(Frequently Asked Thingies, Albacore Submarine Sandwich)
Chris Peterson
1804 York Lane, Greenville, Minnesota, Usa, Earth
(Oh my God he thinks we're on earth!)
Age: 31
Heredity:Son of Fred and Gladys
1/16th Lacoda Sioux Indian
Possibly also part Jackalope (unconfirmed)
Pigmentation:Albino
Aliases:Male model stage name "Sparkles"
CB handle "Tightpants"
Walletboy
Boy
Number of times killed: 11
Favourites:
Color:Peach
Cartoon:The one where daffy tries to get bugs shot but the hunters
shoot him instead until his bill is on the other side of his
face
Song:Tie Alley Cat
Billy Dont Be a Hero
Snack:Raisins that have gotten all warm and gushy in his pants
pocket
Cigarettes: GK Chesterton Hi-tar 100's
Clothes:
His trademark striped shirt
Lace up red underwear with the gold piping
Delicious cheese flavoured pants (28 waist 40 inseam)
Reversible shoes
Full length fur coat with detachable velcro bottom
Friends: Larry Potter
Gus "Lardass" Bordon
Occasionally Miss Sharon
Nemesis: Cousin Donald
Trademark Sound: Beep beep be beep beep
Marital Status:Divorced from Nicholette Preston (marriage lasted 2h
47min)
Was also married to "Gussy" in an alternate reality
Allergies: Some sauces give him a rash
Cholesterol Level: That of an 80 year old truck driver
HIghest level of education completed: University
Also completed a rigorous 1 week program at Handsome Boy modelling
school
Jobs Held: Head paperboy (present)
Male Model
Professional Escort ($4/hr plus
an assortment of cash and prizes)
Government Food Inspector ($5
bribe/investigation)
Professional speller on the Professional Spelling Bee
Circuit
Construction worker
House Sitter
Lifelong Dreams: To get really fat and be buried in a piano crate
To own a full length fur coat
Happiest day of his life:When he realized his rear had stopped growing
Recurring dream: "I realize you are a car sir, but I must reprimand
you for
trying on my pants"
Fears:Sand people
The snakes that
live inside us
Had to shower
with his clothes on because he believed there was
someone watching him in the shower head
Pet peeves: When people try to make out with his dad
Community involvement:Amateur Theatre-Star of the hit "Zoo Animals
on
Wheels"
Saved a playground by having stuff
piled on top of him
Volunteer youth counsellor
Well there it is, feel free to contribute. Ill probably add more
to it
myself.