From s-cwis.unomaha.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!news.uoregon.edu!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news-e1a.megaweb.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Mon Sep 18 04:25:57 1995 Path: s-cwis.unomaha.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!news.uoregon.edu!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news-e1a.megaweb.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: thenixtr@aol.com (The Nixtr) Newsgroups: alt.toys.transformers Subject: FANFIC: Deformers Part 1 (revised) & 2 Date: 17 Sep 1995 15:57:07 -0400 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 315 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <43huij$5r5@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: thenixtr@aol.com (The Nixtr) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com Deformers: The Fanfic By Nick Morency (AKA Paroxysm) First Published: Alt.Toys.Transformers Nick Morency is best remembered for screwing up the Transformers TV series with his comic series "The Deformers", as far back as 1989. Among other failures were his written works "The Pro-Life Jokebook" (1992), "Axiom Alpha" (1993) and "Totally '80's" (fortunately this one has not passed the outline stage.) Although "Deformers, the Fanfic" is his first fictional work, it's parody of the Sci-Fi short story is destined to be as lousy as anything else he ever did. (Martin H. Greenberg) Dittos MHG, but if I remember, Nick was the author of one Transformer comic worse than all those combined. I think it was called "Microzone". (Please correct me if I'm wrong, Marty.) (You're only right that it's worse, but it was Michael Payton who wrote it, Issac.) At any rate, Nick was a fatally flawed character from the start, because only he could understand his introverted humor. Thus, it had no effect on his audience. (Somewhat like Andy Warhol's Sleep.) What's more, in the whole piece, there was no allusion to anything I wrote. If you're gonna write Sci-Fi parody and not even mock the best, you're sadly mistaken if you think you'll amount to anything. (Issac Asimov) Part 1. And he knew there would be no better way to phrase the first sentence. For twenty minutes, Floptimus Crime knew that his actions were left best passive, not because he'd crush New York City's 20 million residents, and not because damage to the Statue of Liberty would break the heart of Tracks, but that all contemporary fiction began with a single sentence that makes you say, "What the heck is this supposed to mean?!? Why isn't the author straightforward when introducing the main character and setting?!?" It also gave Crime a sense of balance; You know, a short paragraph followed by a long paragraph, that kinda thing. After all, that's what Dimlock said in issue 76 of the American comic, "Everything balancing. A Yin for every Yang..." "Floptimus, snap out of it!" screamed Springer (which indicates that the story takes place after the Movie.) "Why do you always have to pick the midst of a battle to delve into an introspective period?!?" But it was too late; Crime had taken a laser cannon shot to the chest, and he fell to the ground, only to be accompanied seconds later by a previously distracted Springer. "This is it, Autobotches!" Screamed Galvaschlong. "Nothing will prevent Galvaschlong's erection (no pun intended) of Megatronia Two!!" (or should that be Galvatronia One?) Then Galvaschlong DEFORMED into his powerful alternate mode, an immense flying baseball bat (get it?). EE EE AH AH OH! One by one the Autobotches approached the mighty Decepticrum leader, and one by one they struck out, and as gravitational pull of the Earth drove each individual Autobotches' mass into the ground, squashing the dissolute inhabitants of New York, he wished that Newton had never invented gravity. Floptius Crime returned from limbo, got up on one knee, and, semi-conscious, gave an order. "Crackknuckle, do your stuff." Crackknuckle was ready for his first active role in his first battle. Little of him has been revealed to the other Autobotches, but not because of Krackknuckle's mysteriously shrouded personality. Rather, they don't know if he is a new Transformer or just one who's been around and it's assumed he's been around for millions of years like the rest of them. But he knew he was a friend, because he had that two-word-joined-together name that was common among Deformers. EE EE AH AH OH! In about 1.1 seconds, Crackknuckle DEFORMED into a set of brass (or Cybertronian alloy) knuckles. "Here! Have a power-packed punch!" he alliterated. Then in a fit of anxiety, Crackknuckle slammed himself right into Galvaschlong, sending him hurling toward the ground, spinning all the way with that good animation where the Deformer comes real close at a sharp angle. Recovering from the fall, Galvaschlong DEFORMED back to robot mode. The other Decepticrums knew he was angry and hope his next action was not to attack his own men as he often does. OH AH AH EE EE! "Ice Scream! Attack!" "Roger dodger!", replied Ice Scream." Thank you for the new Pretender shell. But how come I'm not a ghost anymore?" "Oh that's another episode. Just do what I said. Grudgeon, the new Pretender, and this is not shameless promotion for the action figure, destroy the Autobotches!" "As you command, mighty Galvaschlong (an oxymoron)." Grudgeon had more confidence than Ice Scream that Galvaschlong would not lash out randomly in a violent rage, because he spent his earlier millennia studying the mathematics of chaos. Grudgeon joined Ice Scream and the two had quartered the Autobotches. "Decepticrum Micromasters," ordered Galvaschlong, "move in!" About forty tiny robots scurried around or between Galvaschlong's ankles, all emitting a high pitched "Beeeee-teebeeteebeeteebeetee!!!!!" They were the Decepticrum Micromasters. They were only used as a last line of defense, and now you'll read the reason why. Floptimus Crime, who had regained his posture, was assessing the situation with Blas-der, who had assumed the position of Crime's bodyguard after Ironskin died in the Deformers Movie. Suddenly they felt a sensation at their feet as they heard a tiny clinking of metal. "Ow!" shrieked Blas-der, more in shock than actual pain. "Something's stinging my foot. There must be some bug down there." "Naw," replied Floptimus, as they both looked toward the ground. "They're Micromasters." At that moment the Autobotches were subjected to a loud "BEEEE-Teebeeteebeetee!!!!" as the Decepticrum Micromasters emitted noise en masse. "Just step on them," said Blas-Der, "that should stop 'em." Blas-der and the Autobotches proceeded to do a Jitterbug-style stomp on the Micro-nuisance. But (it's not wrong to start a sentence with a conjunction; it's just stylisticly experimental) Autobotch victory was short-lived if existent at all, for Grudgen, Ice Scream, and the Decepticrum army had begun a laser shower at the Autobotches. "Crime, I think we're in trouble." "Now what are we going to do, Crime?" I DON'T KNOW!!!! Crime answered himself. He had drifted into another introspective period, and it was starting to embarrass Blas-der. He only wished Mindwipe doesn't tune into Crime's brain circuitry often. "I got a plan, Crime", suggested Blas-der, in the hopes that Crime would return to reality. "Why don't we...whisper, whisper, whisper...." "Take off, you hoser! I got my own plan!" Blas-der took one look at the imposing Decepticrum army, knocking over Autobotch troops one by one with perpetual laser fire. "Let's hope so. 'Cause if not we're all gonna look like burnt-out toaster ovens." With that Floptimus opened the doors (or windows, or whatever) on his chest, and removed the Autobotch Q (it's the Deformer version of the Matrix), and boldly chanted, "Now, light our OTHER darkest hour!" The ears and audio receptors of every living being in New York City was flooded with the likes of Stan Tush's "(You've Got) Not Much." Although perturbed at the annoyance of it all, they were simultaneously thankful to God that the song was not Alabama's "(You've Got) Not Much." The Decepticrums, as an added bonus, were subjected to the aura of good that poured forth from the Autobotch Matrix. The good feeling was too much for the Decepticrums to endure, and Galvaschlong withdrew his army. "Decepticrums, retreat!" (typical.) Five minutes later, the Autobotches were back to nearly normal (Nearly normal? you may ask. Well, you know the Autobotches) and Floptimus Crime with Blas-der assessed the irreversible damage done to the human lives lost, as well as the good side of it." "Well, it could have been worse," mused Floptimus. "That's not the plan I wanted to do, Crime!!! What I wanted to do was DEFORM into radio mode and turn up the juice so that the Decepticrums would retreat while we all... DIG THE DECIBELS!!!" "Oh, Blas-der, you devil." Part 2. He was very angry indeed. Galvaschlong knew that a villain is only as good as his enemy, and so he had to counter the introductory paragraph of Floptimus Crime with a similar paragraph. Still, he knew that there was one factor which created an inequity between the leader of the Decepticons and the leader of the Autobotches, and it wasn't the tech specs readings. "Fellow Decepticrums," he began, "every time we're about to pound the Autobotches into metal filings, Floptimus Crime always gets the upper hand because of that matrix of his! And I am sick of it, and I hope you are too, because..." His words were unheard by present audio receptors because the other Decepticrums were busy discussing the division of energon rations amongst themselves. Galvaschlong could barely make out the rambling of the Decepticrum huddle. He could barely make out Grudgeon wagering, "I'll give you three energon cubes for the prototype Brainstorm." Swindull responded, "Make that four energon cubes." "Three is my only offer, because this one's filled with beer." "Sold." Ice Scream interjected. "I sustain that offer and throw in the weapons and a tech spec decoder." Galvaschlong had had (I love using the past perfect tense of that verb.) enough. One shot from his laser cannon, with a loud "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRNNNN!" put an immediate end to the conversation. Ice Scream stood attentively and brown-nosed his leader. "Yes, mighty Galvaschlong, what is your plan?" "Now, as I was saying," he began again as he grabbed the microphone. "I am just sick of tired of the Autobotches and their no-good, scum-sucking, nose-picking, boot-licking, sniveling, groveling, low-down, beer-bellied, bone-headed, pigeon-toed, turkey-necked, weasel-faced, bubble-eyed...." "Will you get on with it?!?" retorted a frazzled Ice Scream. "...Matrix. Now, there's only one thing we can do. And that means that we..." "Have to make our own matrix!" interrupted Ice Scream, in another attempt to make Galvaschlong view him with importance. "Shut Up! Now where was I? Oh yeah. We have to make our own matrix. Now," he continued, while pulling out substances with which he planned to build the new matrix, "get some wood... nails..." "But wait!" Ice Scream interrupted once more. "We have to call a professional. I'll use Mega-Phonebill." Upon that the Decepticrum Mega-Phonebill (from the Cracked Magazine Cold War Special) DEFORMED into an earthen telephone booth. EE EE AH AH OH! As Ice Scream proceeded to dial the number for Matrices 'R Us, Galvaschlong fired his cannon into Mega-Phonebill, blasting him into a million pieces. "Come on, Decepticrums. Help me find materials. Let's see. Wood... nails... some paint... electrum..." The other Decepticrums only stared in disbelief, their mouths gaping open (for those who had mouths. For Soundwave, for instance, it was an impossibility). They knew the damage to their leader was extensive from being submerged in lava on planet Throll a few years back, but witnessing the present sight made them rethink what was left of him after escaping Torqulon. "Well?" questioned the Decepticrum leader. "Where is your spirit of Decepticrum comradery? Destructicons, help me build this." Within minutes, a makeshift matrix was built. "Now," said Galvaschlong, admiring the work, "what is inside every matrix?" "Un... uh... HISTORY!" exclaimed Cyclownus eagerly, raising a finger, certain it was the right answer. "No!!!!" "Deformers!", suggested Grudgeon. "Um... Quintessons!" "The lion, from the opening of the Deformers Movie!" guessed Motormouthmaster. "No, no, no!!!!" Galvaschlong shook his head. The Decepticrums could see their leader was getting disgusted. "You guys call yourselves Decepticrums? It's a crystal!" "That's a trick question," Grudgeon whined. "There's only one matrix." "So where do you propose we get a crystal?" Ice Scream questioned Galvaschlong. "From the Autobotches?" "No. We just go off to Vector Graphics and get one installed." Ice Scream replied, "I didn't know he did that kind of thing; I thought all he did was give new Deformers life." "Well, in Transformer fan fiction, authors take the liberty to make convenient plot elements." "Well, where you gonna get a key?" "That's also taken care of. You have any more stupid questions?" Ice Scream thought hard on that one. "Yeah. Did you notice that after the Movie, your voice now sounds more like Willy Tanner from ALF?" Ice Scream hid inside his Pretender shell in the hopes that the blast from Galvaschlong's laser cannon would be less painful. The Nixtr @ AOL.com