"Break So Easily"
Hikaru ~ 1998
SailorDot@aol.com

Disclaimer type thing:

The song "Break So Easily" belongs to the Mighty Mighty
Bosstones.

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and anything and everything else
even remotely affiliated with the X Files belongs to CC
and his crew at 1013 and Fox. Just don't sue me.

Rated: um.. PG-13 for language. (AKA "f-word alert")

As always, will write more for feedback.

Summary & Comments: Yet another song fanfic.. just bear
with me, I haven't done one like this yet. And I definitely
haven't written 1st person Mulder! Hehe, just go with it,
o'tay?

Timeline: Takes place during Scully's battle with cancer,
after Memento Mori but before Redux II. Probably after Demons.

**********

I unwrap the CD and throw the plastic packaging on the floor.
"I hope this is worth the 16 bucks." I had heard that Bosstones
song- "Impression that I Get"- on the radio earlier and was
entranced by it.

I pop the disc in the machine and listen to it click and whirr
itself into action. I turn the volume down and walk to my computer.
"Background music."

The first few songs go by, and I find myself growing increasingly
frustrated with the CD. "I can't understand what the fuck this guy is
saying."

I frown at the CD player. "Did he just saw 'hggrwwoolwwhh'?" I grab
the jewel case and the booklet from it. "Oh. 'Just a regular guy, who
won't even try it.' Whoda guessed?" I throw the book down on the desk
and turn back to the computer.

A few minutes pass, until a line rings through to me, as clear as a
bell. 'You took the answers when you broke So easily you're gone' I
look up, startled. "What?" I stop the CD and return it to the
beginning of the track. I follow along with the lyrics.

"You would break so easily
So fragile that it frightens me
A harsh sudden reality
A painful possibility"

I blink. It described Dana Scully. Right now, her health was so
fragile, it almost seemed that you couldn't even touch her without
damaging her. I never thought it possible for my strong-willed,
beautiful partner to be cut at the knees by such a devastating
disease.

"To see it's like the strangest dream
To be it needs to still be seen
As loud as any noise you've heard
As quiet as a whispered word"

Scully's cancer was like that. It didn't seem real at first, and
I've tried to deny the fact that she would almost certainly die.
The cancer, which had lain dormant in Scully's body for who knew
how long, had finally mad itself known, and to be known, it must
be seen.

"Try to answer questions forced
Forced inside of me
You were forced across the line
You're not providing me"

I've always wanted Scully to answer the questions. These questions
were ones that I never wanted to ask, ones about my mother, sister,
and father. Or, who I had always thought was my father. Scully's
cancer pushed her across the line- living to dying, well to sick,
safe but not. She couldn't help me in the state she currently lied in.

"You would break so easily
I watched you break so easily
What's it like to be right up against
Not stay on this side of the fence"

True. I had watched Scully's condition slowly worsen, yet I couldn't
do anything about it. Now she truly was against the fence, fighting
for her life.

"A line so fine it can't be traced
A life so suddenly erased
Two came through just like a train
A flash and nothing's been the same."

Scully's life wasn't gone yet, but day by day, it was slowly fading.
That line that she walked every day seemed to get thinner and thinner-
I just hope that it doesn't completely disappear and send her hurtling
into the abyss. We have always come through during the past four years
almost like a train, steadily moving along, following our path, and
then, suddenly, everything changed on us.

"Try to answer questions forced
Forced inside of me
You were forced across the line
You're not providing me"

I blink, stunned. "This is really odd."

"Providing me with what I need
To put a cover on
You took the answers when you broke
So easily you're gone"

Scully always did give me what I needed. Well, not physically, that's
what my videos were for. And dreams, too. "But I digress." I say out
loud. She was always there for me, no matter what. All the answers
that I ever needed could lie inside of Scully. And I might not ever
be able to retrieve them now.

"Once the same as me
You broke so easily
Tell me now
Try to answer questions forced
Forced inside of me
You were forced across the line
You're not providing me"

Once, we were equals. Both healthy, providing, strong adults. Now,
she was *broken*, into a million pieces, her soul and ego shattered,
her life slowly slipping away through her fingers. And I still need
answers.

The last chords of the song fade away and the next song begins. I
stop the CD, and put the play list back to the first song. "I think
I'll read the lyrics this time."

*********************