Welcome to the CHRIS the Giraffe homepage!
Copyright 1996©
Once upon a time, there was a giraffe named CHRIS. He was... well... different from all the other giraffes. This was, of course, because of his abnormal physique, but also due to his bizarre psychological state.
One fine morning, the calm peaceful Savannah was disturbed by a huge vehicle that stormed over the infertile land, rising clouds of dust for miles behind.
The Savannah animals regarded the vehicle in a state of mild shock.
The large vehicle pulled to a halt and out stepped a huge Gorilla, whom the Savannah animals recognised as an ex-convict named Chevrolet. "All aboard folks" he hollered, "Welcome to the Bus."
The animals looked at each other, said "What the Hell", and boarded the large vehicle. All except CHRIS, that is, who was terrified of the Bus, and hid under a cucumber plant.
Later that evening, the Bus ride was the talk of the town... or Savannah. Everyone was so excited, and CHRIS felt very sad and left out.
The next day, all the other animals rode the Bus again, but not CHRIS. Instead he bought some Roller Blades™ and had a jolly good time, although he was bored, sad, terrified, and lonely.
That evening, and everyone after that, the Bus remained the main source of excitement among the Savannah animals. CHRIS figured that they would get bored after a while, but they didn't. Day in, day out, all the Savannah animals could do was ride the Bus, and CHRIS remained inexplicably terrified of the large vehicles.
The other Savannah animals (Patrick, Catty, Sumo and Brad) began to tease CHRIS about his fear of Buses.
"I'm not scared of the Bus" proclaimed CHRIS.
"Prove it" taunted Sumo, "Ride the Bus with us."
CHRIS knew that being afraid of Buses was completely irrational, but he just couldn't bring himself to enter the large vehicle.
Then one day, as CHRIS was Roller Blading™, the Bus sped by, and suddenly, all fear was gone from his heart. He felt strong and brave and invincible. He was fearless. He would show those bastards that CHRIS was not afraid of large vehicles. He grabbed the Bus, he tackled, he... he wasn't winning.
Before long, the adrenaline wore off and CHRIS became aware of his prickadickament. He was flying through the air, gripping the Bus' licence plate between his teeth, his Roller Blades™ barely touching the pavement.
CHRIS was scared. His eyes grew larger, his ears and tail flapped in the wind behind him. Suddenly, all motion stopped for a split-second as the Bus screeched to a halt, then a new motion started. CHRIS was tumbling head over neck, head over neck...
When CHRIS opened his eyes, he was surrounded by police officers. They arrested his, suspended his Roller Blades™, and brought him to the station, in hoof-cuffs.
At the police station, they took mug-shots and hoof-prints from CHRIS.
Then they told him that he could make one phone call. Since his parents were psychopathic freaks, he decided to call Dr. Moe, his psychologist.
When Dr. Moe arrived, and saw the state that CHRIS was in, he decided to call an immediate psychotherapy session on the spot. They created a makeshift couch by removing the back seat of the police cruiser. CHRIS was ordered to lie down.
"Whatever drove you to such insane and death-defying behaviour?" asked Dr. Moe.
"I... I... I... I wasn't scared of the Bus." stuttered CHRIS (he always stuttered in the presence of Dr. Moe).
"Well said Dr. Moe "Why should you have been scared of the Bus?"
"I... I... I... I... I don't know, I'm not really s... scared of the vehicle, it's something else... I... I... I'm not sure w... what. It's s... something in the b... Bus..."
Just then a police rhino burst in and hauled CHRIS away to a cell because his visiting time was up. After a few hours, another officer came into CHRIS' cell to explain that CHRIS was going to be fined 40 coconuts for having broken the law.
"What law?" piped up CHRIS.
"THE LAW" shouted the second police rhino, and he picked up CHRIS and threw him back out onto the sidewalk.
Moments later, the Bus zoomed by, nearly running CHRIS over, and CHRIS ran and hid under a cactus.
When CHRIS got home, he was in a very sorry state.
He went to bed. As they say, "To sleep, perchance to dream..." Well he slept, and he dreamt.
CHRIS dreamt of his childhood friend Poutine. Poutine and CHRIS used to play together until one day... (CHRIS' dream turned into a nightmare.) One day, as they were playing ball by the side of the lake, a huge motor boat came crashing through the woods mutilating everything in sight including Poutine. CHRIS had hidden under a cucumber plant, but not before catching a glimpse of the insane controller of the motor boat... a gorilla...
Chevrolet the Bus driver! CHRIS woke up screaming.
He leapt out of bed and galloped naked (Savannah animals don't wear clothes) across the Savannah all the way to the elephant neighbourhood where he found Dr. Moe.
"D... D... D... Doctor M.. Moe." he cried, "I have solved my fear of the Bus! I'm not even scared of the Bus, I'm scared of the Bus driver. He's the gorilla named Chevrolet who murdered Poutine."
"Everyone knows that." said Dr. Moe.
"Darn!"
"Well at least you've solved your fear, and now you can ride the Bus like everyone else and be accepted in society once again."
"Are you k... k... kidding? I can't ride a large vehicle with he same gorilla who murdered Pou... Pou... Poutine!"
Yet as much as CHRIS was scared of Chevrolet (with reason, for once), he did not want to be accepted in society. There was only one possibility...
Look forward to other CHRIS
stories to come!
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