~ tYPE wITH tHE cAPS lOCK bUTTON tURNED oN. aND sHIFT FOR cAPS
~ Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,
and insist to others that you "like it that way"
~ Drum on every available surface
~ Sing the Batman theme incessantly
~ Staple papers in the middle of the page
~ Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy
warnings
~ Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks
~ Write the surprise ending of a novel on its first page before
you lend it out
~ Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go"
~ Set alarms for random times
~ Learn the Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip"…
~ Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon
~ Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo
with the volume properly adjusted
~ Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"
noise
~ Honk and wave to strangers
~ Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange
~ Change channels five minutes before the end of every show
~ Wear your pants backwards
~ Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complementary mints by the cash register
~ Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets
~ Pay for your dinner with pennies
~ Tie jingle bells to your clothes
~ Repeat everything someone says, as a question
~ Write "X-BURIED TREASURE" on random spots on other people’s
road maps
~ Wear a LOT of cologne
~ Ask to "interface" with someone
~ Listen to tapes on high speed dubbing and claim the faster
speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing"
~ Sing along at the opera
~ Mow your lawn with scissors
~ At a golf tournament, chant "Swing-batatatata-suhWING-batter!
~ Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy"
~ Ask the waitress for a seat for your "imaginary friend"
~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme
~ Ask your classmates mysterious questions, and scribble their
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"
~ Stare at static on the TV and claim you see a "magic picture"
~ Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times
~ Scuff your feet on dry, shaggy carpet and search for shock
victims
~ Never totally finish speaking, making it seem like you’ll be
saying more at any moment
~ Never make eye contact
~ Never break eye contact
~ Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
your ears
~ Light road flares on a birthday cake
~ Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their
parsley
~ Demand that everyone call you "Conquistador"
~ Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly
~ At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
~ When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells"
until physically restrained
~ Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One"
~ As much as possible skip rather than walk
~ Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling as they read
~ Finish the 99 bottles of beer song
~ Sing the "Song That Never Ends" (from Lambchop)
~ Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles
~ Pretend your mouse is a CB radio and talk into it
~ Play the National anthem by tapping your cheek. When nearly
done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up"
~ Name your dog "Dog"
~ Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
~ Ask people what gender they are
~ Reply to everything someone says with "That’s what YOU think"
~ Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie
parts back in the tray
~ Forget the punch line to a really long joke, but assure the
listener that it was a "real hoot"
~ Follow a few paces behind someone and spray everything they
touch with Lysol
~ Intentionally hum songs that get stuck in others’ heads ("It’s
a Small World" is a good one)
~ While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like
a parakeet
~ Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
~ Change your name to Aaaaaaba for the great glory of being the
first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name and demand that people
pronounce every A
~ Sit on your front lawn and aim a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down
~ Chew on pens you’ve borrowed
~ Holler random numbers when a person is counting
~ Make dates for the 31st of September