Four

I just had to talk to Leah. My stomach tightened and my whole body suddenly felt cold. I must have looked like a statue just standing at the entrance of the gym because everyone was looking at me like I was some sort of weirdo.

I gathered up all the courage that was left in me and marched up to Leah. I promised myself that I wouldnÕt give in to Leah again. At least my name wouldnÕt be stuck with LeahÕs if I use this chance to my advantage.

ÒLeah, I need to talk to you.Ó

ÒYes Josh? What is it?Ó

ÒWhy did you do that to Noel, Leah?Ó

ÒDo what?Ó

ÒYou know exactly what you did. DonÕt lie to me. YouÕve lied enough.Ó

ÒBut I didnÕt mean to. It was her friendsÕ fault.Ó she said, starting to lose her temper.

ÒHer friends would never do that to her, especially my sister.Ó

ÒYour sister?Ó

ÒYes.Ó

ÒWhoÕs your sister?Ó she asked, one eyebrow higher than the other.

ÒEva, of course.Ó

ÒEva? I donÕt know a person named Eva.Ó

ÒDonÕt lie to me, Leah! You do know Eva. SheÕs NoelÕs best friend.Ó

ÒThat Eva? SheÕs your sister?Ó

ÒAs a matter of fact, she is. And you know what?Ó

ÒWhat?Ó Her voice trailed off at the end.

ÒYouÕve turned her away from Noel. TheyÕve been good friends for a long time, and I wouldnÕt want to see their relationship go up in ashes because of you.Ó

ÒBut I didnÕt do anything to ruin it. It was her own fault. Eva doesnÕt have to be mad at Noel if she doesnÕt want to.Ó

ÒOh, so nothing is your fault. Just so you know, itÕs mostly your own fault. YouÕre just as mean as I thought you were.Ó

ÒNo IÕm not!Ó

ÒAnd another thing. Will you stop asking me to do you any favors? As it turns out, I wasnÕt doing any favors. IÕm just ruining NoelÕs life. So donÕt even talk to me anymore until you straighten yourself out.Ó

ÒBut Josh!Ó

ÒBye Leah.Ó

ÒBut you canÕt leave me!Ó she whimpered.

I turned my back to her. ÒI never went to you, so I canÕt leave you.Ó

ÒBut Josh!Ó She let out a loud sigh and collapsed on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

If she was someone else, I would have gone up to her and comforted her, but this was different. She was Leah, and the girl I wanted was Noel. There was a noticeable difference between the two.

Now IÕve gotten Leah off my back, but why canÕt I get NoelÕs attention? Does she not like me? Do I smell? Am I a geek? Whatever the reason, I have to find out. Obsessed is the last thing I am with Leah. I have to let Noel know that LeahÕs not as tough as she thinks, even if itÕs the last time I talk to her.

Deep down in my heart, I knew I had to do something to make this mess better. But the last thing I wanted was Noel to think IÕm falling all over Leah. It stings my heart if she thinks that.

* * *

Mary had taken me to her office before warm-up. She knew I had a problem. She said I looked like a tornado that had engulfed me with itÕs massive destruction. Then she corrected herself by saying that I look like I had been through an earthquake, a massive fire that had arose after was still raging in me. Take it to her to make me feel worse.

ÒNoel, I was really disappointed in not seeing you last week at the meet on Saturday. Is it true that you felt sick?Ó

ÒNo, itÕs not true, Mary.Ó

ÒThen what is it? Did your mom make you stay home after all?Ó

ÒPartly.Ó

ÒYouÕre not the Noel I knew these past seven years or so. WhatÕs wrong?Ó

ÒItÕs Leah.Ó

ÒLeah? Your partner?Ó

ÒYes, that one.Ó

ÒWhat did she do?Ó

ÒShe took my diary and told everyone everything I wrote in it and turned all of my friends into enemies.Ó

ÒI donÕt think she meant any harm.Ó

ÒYes she did, but I know Josh didnÕt mean to do it.Ó

ÒAnd what does Josh have to do with it?Ó

ÒHe found my diary last Monday and trusted Leah to give it back to me.Ó

ÒJosh would have never known. I think Leah needs to be talked to. Can you call her into my office for me? You can start the warm-ups by yourself and start practicing your floor routine. I think that child needs to be straightened out.Ó Her usually soft, blithe voice turned superficial and strict.

ÒI canÕt.Ó

ÒYou canÕt what? You canÕt do your warmups? Are you hurt?Ó

ÒNo. I canÕt talk to her.Ó

ÒAnd why not?Ó

ÒBecause I canÕt.Ó

ÒNoel, you canÕt forget that what I say to you in the gym applies to real life. You have to face your fears head-on in order to get anywhere. You do that in gymnastics very well.Ó

ÒYouÕre right. As always.Ó

ÒNow, go along.Ó

MaryÕs office was in one of the small rooms on the second floor. Two people were looking at me as I stood at the rail overlooking the gym floor. From the railing, you can see every apparatus from a birdÕs eye view.

ÒLeah! Mary wants you!Ó

ÒYou got me in trouble, didnÕt you.Ó Her eyes looked red as if she were to cry.

ÒNo, I didnÕt. You got yourself into trouble.Ó

She turned her back on me and headed up the stairs.

ÒNoel, can I talk to you?Ó a low, soft voiced pleaded.

I turned around, knowing Josh wanted to talk to me. ÒHi Josh. If youÕll excuse me, I have some practicing to do.Ó

ÒBut Noel, I have to tell you something.Ó

ÒCanÕt it wait till I finish? I have to practice.Ó

I never gave him the chance to answer. I took off across the mats to the opposite side.

ÒWhat did I just do?Ó I froze still on the floor. I couldnÕt lift up my feet. ÒDonÕt I like Josh?Ó

Oh, he looks so handsome! Why do I keep blowing my chance whenever he talks to me? Maybe we arenÕt meant for each other. That must be it. I made myself think that he wanted to say something bad about me, but the thought that he wanted to tell me he likes me kept on creeping into my brain. But why didnÕt I notice he was so entrancing? He must think IÕm a fool by now.

I dared myself to see if he was still looking at me. Finally, when I looked, Josh was on the still rings set up across the room, hitting every skill with extraordinary control. Every twist of his arm seemed equally confident. IÕd never seen anyone preform as smooth flowing as Josh. The landing was stuck perfectly, feet together. Now, it was me who was staring.

I turned back, focusing on my own apparatus. ÒHe has strength, balance, and control. Control. ThatÕs what I have to do with my life. Control it.Ó

I did a couple of sit-ups and stretched my legs and arms. I practiced my tumbling passes. Just then, I noticed I was doing harder tumbling skills than Leah. She was doing easy ones excellently, but I was the one who was ready to try newer, harder ones.

After I did almost every pass I had in my most recent routine until I did each twist perfectly, I saw Leah and Mary come out of her office. Leah had her head hung low.

ÒNoel, IÕm sorry I did everything I did to you last week. Will you forgive me?Ó

ÒI guess so.Ó

ÒSorry.Ó

I felt a pang of guilt. Had I been mistaken? Was she really apologizing, or was this a trick? Somehow, it never phased me that she would be the one to give in first.

ÒShe promised me sheÕll return your diary laterÓ said Mary. ÒFor now, Noel, you can practice your beam routine. We are having a rematch Saturday, same time. I am expecting you to come this time.Ó

ÒI hope so.Ó

* * *

My head was spinning after I finished my ring routine. I didnÕt even know what I was doing. All that I remember is that I jumped onto the two rings, and after that, what I did was lost. And after all that, I remembered Dominic telling me it was perfect.

I walked over to the benches and sat down, my head supported in my hands. My arms were tired after that routine.

ÒJosh, what are you doing sulking?Ó

ÒHuh?Ó I was startled by a male voice. ÒOh, hi Camron.Ó

ÒSo then, what are you doing?Ó

ÒThinking.Ó

ÒAre you sure youÕre okay, Josh?Ó

ÒYeah, I am. IÕm just down.Ó

ÒI heard Leah dumped you.Ó

ÒLeah? WhereÕd you hear that from?Ó

ÒI heard Leah say it to one of the guys. IÕm very sorry.Ó

ÒSorry? What are you talking about? IÕm the one who dumped her, if thatÕs what you call it. I never liked her to start with.Ó

ÒOh, then why would Leah say she dumped you?Ó

ÒBecause sheÕs the one who likes me, and wants to get me back. I told her to quit talking to me.Ó

ÒYouÕre not telling me something seriously important. Did she do something to you?Ó

I headed into the locker room with Camron by my side. Towels were scattered all over the floor, and used leg braces were slung over the benches. Usually, when IÕm in the room, I feel relaxed, but somehow, today, I felt rejected and tired. My muscles werenÕt the problem. It was my head.

I explained everything about NoelÕs diary, and what I have to do with it. Camron listened intently as I told him that I should have given Noel her diary.

ÒBut youÕre leaving something out. Something I know.Ó

ÒWhatÕs that?Ó

ÒSomething about Noel.Ó A smile spread across his face.

ÒOh, that I canÕt get Noel to listen to me.Ó

ÒYes. Have you tried more than once?Ó

ÒYou bet I did. She keeps on blowing me off.Ó

ÒYou know, isnÕt Eva her best friend?Ó

ÒYeah.Ó

ÒSo why donÕt you try talking to her, instead of directly to Noel. Maybe theyÕll be back as best friends.Ó

ÒThatÕs a good idea. But what if she doesnÕt want to listen to me about Noel.Ó

ÒWould your own sister not listen to you?Ó

ÒWell, she usually does listen to me. IÕll give it a thought.Ó

ÒIÕve got to go, but see you later! Oh, and you and Noel make a great pair.Ó

ÒWhat do you mean?Ó

ÒShe likes you, I can tell.Ó

ÒHow do you know? I havenÕt seen you talking to her.Ó

He stopped on the way out. ÒShe was staring at you the whole time you were on the rings. SheÕs just too shy to admit it to you.Ó

ÒI donÕt think sheÕs shy.Ó

ÒThen she feels sorry for herself because she avoided you so much. It has happened to me before.Ó

ÒShe canÕt be feeling sorry for herself. She doesnÕt want to do anything with Leah.Ó

ÒOh well. Believe what you believe. ItÕs a free country. See you!Ó

After Camron had left, I considered the fact that I should talk to Eva. But how can I? SheÕs not even talking to Noel. But soon, all my thoughts about Eva faded away.

Camron Robinson is African American, and part Canadian. HeÕs one of the two other training partners I have. He was the nicest, easy talking, Òyou can do itÓ kind of person. I looked up to him, but he has always said he admires me. Still, heÕs a straight A student at an all-boys private high school across town. I donÕt know what there is to admire about me.

I shivered at the touch of the ice-cold stream of water coming from the shower head. You have to wait a while till the hot water comes out, but I didnÕt bother this time. I rubbed my arms to keep them from freezing. Even the touch of the freezing water didnÕt take my mind off of what Camron had said.

ÒOnly if I can talk to her,Ó I said as I exited the room. ÒOnly if I could talk to either one of them.Ó

Five

ÒSo, will you give me back my diary?Ó

ÒWhy should I?Ó

ÒI knew it! Leah, you are the lowest form of life on the planet! How can you do this to me?Ó

ÒWhy do you always pick on me? Noel, you already have everything you want. I guess youÕre right. I am the lowest form of life on the planet.Ó Leah stormed out of the shower room in a hustle.

What does she mean by that? Why would she admit she is a low-life. I donÕt care about my diary anymore. Everyone knows what I wrote in it, so itÕs not so private anymore. But I still canÕt accept the fact that she didnÕt think of herself as in control. There it is again. That word, control. Maybe if I just forget about all this with Leah, IÕll get somewhere in life. I canÕt believe I ignored Josh this long. What if IÕm wrong? What if he knows something I donÕt? Then IÕm the stupid one.

I froze paralyzed in the lobby, my eyes glued to Josh, who was standing right next to me. ÒShould I say sorry?Ó I asked myself, suddenly knowing that he was looking at me in return.

ÒNoel, IÕm sorry,Ó Josh said at the same time I said, ÒJosh, IÕm sorry.Ó

ÒNo, I should be the one sorry.Ó Josh kept on saying. ÒI ruined you life, didnÕt I?Ó

I felt my anger that had boiled up to the surface over the week reach my mouth. I couldnÕt see why he couldnÕt have simply minded his own business, and just leave my diary on the chair, where I would have picked it up the next day. ÒI canÕt believe you did that?Ó

ÒDid what?Ó

ÒGave my diary to Leah.Ó

ÒI said IÕm sorry, Noel,Ó noting the frustration in his deep, warm voice.

ÒYeah, and youÕre sorry?Ó

ÒYes! I am! I canÕt believe you donÕt believe me!Ó

ÒOf course I donÕt! You probably go out with Leah, and you are just as vile as Leah.Ó

ÒI am not, Noel! How can you think that?Ó His voice cracked, making him lose his temper. ÒHow can I ever apologize to you?Ó

ÒI know! Why should I have doubted that you would ever be forgiving?Ó

He turned around, storming out the doors. I leaned against the wall, slowly falling towards the floor. I covered my head with my arms. I didnÕt care if anyone saw.

Likely, no one was left in the gym but the coaches. I just ruined a chance to make-up with Josh, but no-o. I had to get mad again, and tell him off.

ÒIÕm home,Ó I called out to my parents. I noticed that my dadÕs car was parked outside, and that both my parents were in the kitchen. The conversation they were having stopped me from going in.

My momÕs sharp, high voice rang like lightning. ÒHow many times do I have to tell you that NoelÕs grades are going down. How does she expect to bring them back up if all she does is gymnastics?Ó

My dadÕs low voice echoed into the living room like thunder. Together, they were like a thunderstorm. ÒGymnastics is not in her way. Just because she failed one lousy test, it doesnÕt mean that her grade is going down.Ó

ÒItÕs not just a lousy test. ItÕs her finals! I expected her to get at least a ÔBÕ, but what does she bring home? An ÔFÕ. How do you explain that?Ó

ÒThat still doesnÕt explain why you grounded her from going to the meet. That was one of her most important meets.Ó

ÒWell, itÕs my duty as a mother to give my daughter what is best for her. Look at her! Look at what all that torture to her body is doing to her mind.Ó

ÒThe best for her is to let her do the things she enjoys the most. Especially not something that she is not in the mood to quit. I t has taught her to be focused. Something you can not teach her.Ó

ÒIf she would just focus on her academic side, sheÕd have a lasting career in the world. Gymnastics isnÕt going to get her anywhere.Ó

ÒIt will.Ó

ÒNo. Pretty soon, sheÕll be too tall to compete.Ó

ÒYou know, I donÕt know what I was doing when I asked you to marry me! I must have been out of my mind!Ó

ÒYouÕre exactly right.Ó

I was outraged and fumed. ItÕs just not the anger I had right now, but all those times they were at each other for the last few months. How can they fight like that? Especially over me. I couldnÕt stand hearing them. I turned around and ran up the stairs, banging the door behind me. I couldnÕt take it any longer.

There goes all my hopes in making the meet next Saturday. My life was crumbling in my hands. In the past, my mom didnÕt care if I went to the gym on Saturdays. All I have is gymnastics to calm me down. But how can I when I am prohibited to go to a meet? Maybe itÕs better for me to just run away. A coach in Colorado wants to take me, but how am I going to get there from California? IÕm flat broke.

And I just thought my life was the pits. How could they fight over nothing? ItÕs not like IÕm going to choose gymnastics as my career.

* * *

ÒGo talk to her,Ó Aaron shoved me in NoelÕs direction.

ÒNo, I canÕt.Ó

ÒThe only other way to talk to her is on the phone. I know you loathe the phone. You never answer when I call.Ó He choked out, ÒEva does.Ó

ÒI know. I just donÕt like not seeing the person IÕm talking to. You canÕt tell if theyÕre telling the truth.Ó

ÒSo, go talk to her!Ó

ÒNo. IÕm not up to it.Ó

ÒCome on! You have to know why she wonÕt talk to you. Maybe she has a good reason.Ó

ÒShe better after all this time.Ó

I turned around, my knees quivering. Aaron looked to the bleacher at Noel, giving me a smile.

ÒGo for it.Ó

I felt my voice fall to the bottom of my stomach. ÒNoel! Can I talk to you?Ó

ÒWhat do you want?Ó she asked curtly.

ÒWhy do you keep on making excuses when I try to talk to you? CanÕt you listen to me just once?Ó

ÒI donÕt want to talk to you,Ó she said simply.

ÒOh, Noel! All I want is a minute. I know you have the time.Ó

ÒIf itÕs anything negative, then I donÕt want to hear it. IÕm fed up with this catastrophe.Ó

ÒItÕs not anything bad unless you really hate me. Then IÕll go away.Ó

ÒItÕs not you that I hate.Ó

ÒThen why do you act like it?Ó

ÒIÕm sorry. ItÕs Leah that I hate. And Leah is who you like. That makes me hate you.Ó Her voice was hesitant, her eyes never meeting mine.

ÒOh, please donÕt!Ó I didnÕt want to lose her attention.

ÒAnd why not?Ó

ÒBecause I donÕt like Leah. I condemn her!Ó

ÒYeah, and thatÕs why you let her take you?Ó

ÒI didnÕt!Ó I noticed we were both becoming frustrated.

ÒI thought you were in control of your life. I guess I was wrong.Ó

ÒI am in control of my life! More than you.Ó

ÒYou want to bet? I donÕt bother with people like Leah.Ó

ÒBut Noel!Ó

ÒWhy am I wasting this time on you? Why am I wasting my time in this gym when IÕm going to quit any day soon.Ó

ÒNoel!Ó

ÒIÕve had it. I canÕt stand this for the millionth time. Maybe I should just kill myself and save everyone the trouble.Ó

ÒNo! You canÕt do that. I wonÕt let you, Noel.Ó

ÒAnd what do you have to stop me?Ó

I grabbed onto her arm and tried to stop her, but I was a little late, and she ran down the street in top speed. ÒJust get off my back!Ó she retorted.

ÒNoel!Ó I called out, but she was already out the door and heading down the street. ÒYou deserve it,Ó a snickering voice said from behind me.

ÒLeah, I told you to leave me alone!Ó

ÒAlright already! You donÕt have to be so grouchy!Ó

ÒI am not! Why donÕt you just get out of my life? ItÕs bad enough without you.Ó ÒFine, if you donÕt want my advice. Noel is never going to like you. She already likes someone.Ó

I didnÕt want to give in even though Leah was probably right. ÒI donÕt care. Losers never win.Ó I added, Òand I know you are a loser. A big one, too. Just listening to you makes me sick!Ó

I quickly stashed my stuff into a bag and sprinted to the car, not turning back to see how Leah was. Aaron was waiting at the door, and by my expression, he knew I wasnÕt having any luck. I got in my brotherÕs old red sports car and threw my bag in the back seat. I couldnÕt think of anything but Noel as I started the engine.

How could Leah have done that to Noel? How could Leah have done that to me? LeahÕs not just ruining NoelÕs life, but mine also. Only if she would let me talk to her for a while. Am I not approaching her right?

ÒSo it didnÕt go well.Ó Aaron speculated.

ÒHow could you tell?Ó I replied sarcastically.

ÒItÕs pretty obvious by the way you stormed out of the gym. While I was waiting, I got a great idea.Ó

ÒGreat, but it wonÕt help. I need a real idea.Ó

ÒOkay! ItÕs the best idea IÕve had so far.Ó

ÒWhat is it?Ó

ÒTalk to your sister.Ó

ÒWhat?Ó I yelped, almost slamming the breaks so hard I felt like choking on my seat belt.

ÒTalk to your sister,Ó he replied still breathless at the sudden stop.

ÒEva?Ó

ÒYes,Ó he said.

ÒAbout what?Ó This sounded vaguely familiar.

ÒExplain everything to her. Maybe sheÕll understand and will go back to being friends. And for the most part, Noel canÕt ignore you anymore after she finds out that youÕre the one who had talked to Eva in the first place.

Ó ÒThatÕs it! IÕve heard all of that before!Ó

ÒFrom who?Ó

ÒCamron. He was just telling me the other day.Ó

ÒSee. If two people think itÕs the answer to your problem, it must be.Ó

ÒIÕll think about it.Ó

ÒCÕmon! YouÕve been putting everything off. Just give it a try. She canÕt run away. YouÕre bound to catch her sometime.Ó

ÒAs much as I hate to admit it, youÕre right. But if none of this works, IÕll be dead.Ó ÒYou said youÕd be dead a week ago. I donÕt see you buried underground or crumbled up in ashes.Ó

ÒYour right. I should listen to you more often, huh?Ó

ÒThat might help.Ó

I dropped off Aaron at his house and then headed home. I sat in the kitchen, going over some cookbooks, searching for something I could make for dinner with leftovers. My mom wasnÕt coming home early enough to make dinner from her secretarial job at AaronÕs dadÕs company. I took out the bowl of chicken I had marinated last night.

ÒNoel likes another boy,Ó LeahÕs voice rang in my head.

Is she serious about liking Chris? Tons off girls her age likes him, but Noel? Why would she like him?

ÒHey bro! IÕm going to the soccer match with Stacey, so I wonÕt be home. Save me some dinner after you make it. I have to try it.Ó

ÒWhat are you making today,Ó Stacey looked over my shoulder to see what I was looking at. ÒYum! That looks good!Ó

ÒIÕll be sure to save you some. Have a great time!Ó

ÒSee you!Ó

My brother, Tim, is my number one fan of my cooking. He is two and a half years older and is a soccer fanatic, just like his steady girlfriend, Stacey, and Aaron. On their first date, my brother couldnÕt get any restaurant reservations, and so he asked me to cook. He was lucky that Stacey liked my food as much as he does. SheÕs from a small town on the coast of Oregon, so she likes sea food. She taught me tons of recipes from her hometown. You canÕt tell sheÕs from Oregon, though. YouÕll think sheÕs from Hollywood or somewhere like that.

Anyways, I was alone, waiting for Eva to come home. She probably was working late at the newspaper office at school. Everyone in my family has different personalities. My other brother, Kyle, is getting married next year, and is an editor of a publishing company in New York. He was the one who always took me to gymnastics class, until he moved to the East Coast. Sometimes I miss him a lot. But now, I can drive myself.

My daddivorced my mom when she was expecting Eva. I donÕt even remember him, or how he looked. I only know that he had brown hair and auburn eyes like Tim. I donÕt think of him much. Only when my mom says that my cooking reminds her of him and how he loved to play around in the kitchen, baking all sorts of delicious and some not so good tasting things.

ÒHey Josh! WhatÕs for dinner?Ó Eva closed the door after stepping into the kitchen from the back door. Looking at the book, she smiled. ÒYum. Lemon almond chicken!Ó

ÒI was thinking of making it. But Eva, can I tell you something about Leah?Ó

ÒSure. What?Ó

ÒI was the one who found NoelÕs diary, Eva.Ó

ÒWhat?Ó

ÒI gave Leah NoelÕs Diary.Ó

ÒWhy?Ó

ÒShe was supposed to return it.Ó

ÒWhatÕs she still doing with it?Ó

ÒShe never gave it back to Noel like she promised.Ó

I went on to explain everything that I found out about Leah and Noel. She never moved an inch. She just stood on the kitchen floor, her backpack slung over her back. Eva looked paralyzed in guilt.

ÒSo IÕve abandoned Noel for a creep like Leah?Ó

ÒYes.Ó

ÒOh Josh! I have to go to NoelÕs house and tell her IÕm sorry. Thank you for telling me!Ó

ÒAnything for you.Ó

ÒWait a minute.Ó

ÒWait a minute what?Ó

ÒLeah didnÕt dump you, did she?Ó

ÒHavenÕt you figured that out by now? Actually, no one dumped anyone.Ó

ÒHuh?Ó she asked, throwing her bag on a chair, almost knocking it over.

ÒWe never went out. You canÕt dump someone you never liked or went out with.Ó

ÒAnd I believed Leah. Man, is she going to get it!Ó

By the time we were done talking, I had put the chicken in the oven and it was half done. After Eva took a shower, her nose led her right back to the kitchen.

ÒSmells wonderful!Ó

ÒPlenty for everyone.Ó

I put aside some for mom, Tim, and Stacey. Still, there were a few pieces left.

ÒCan I take them to NoelÕs?Ó

ÒWhen are you going?Ó

ÒAfter I finish the dishes. IsnÕt it my turn today?Ó

ÒYeah, but itÕs okay. You can go. IÕll wash the dishes. I donÕt mind.Ó

ÒOkay, if you say so.Ó I smiled to myself as she headed out the door and ran off down the street.