-What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
      -"You going to eat that?"


    



-Why did Ed Gein's girlfriend stop going out with him?
     -Because he was such a cut-up.

-What did Ed Gein say to the sheriff who arrested him?
     -"Have a heart."

-Why won't anyone play poker with Ed Gein?
   - He might come up with a good hand.

_________________

A Twisted Version of "A Vist from St. Nick"



'Twas the night before Christmas, when all though the shed,
All creatures were stirring, even old Ed.

The bodies were hung from the rafters above,
While Eddie was searching for another new love.

He went to Wautoma for a Plainfield deal,
Looking for love and also a meal.

When what to his hungry eyes should appear, 
But old Mary Hogan in her new red brassiere.

Her cheeks were like roses when kissed by the sun
And she let out a scream at the sight of Ed's gun.

Old Ed pulled the trigger and Mary fell dead,
He took his old axe and cut off her head.

He then took his hacksaw and cut her in two,
One half for hamburger, the other for stew.

And laying a hand aside of her heel,
Up to the rafter went his next meal.

He sprang to his truck, to the graveyard he flew,
The hours were short and much work he must do.

He looked for the grave where the fattest one laid,
And started digging with a shovel and spade.

He shoveled and shoveled and shoveled some more,
Till finally he reached the old coffin door.

He took out a crowbar and pried open the box,
He was not only clever but sly as a fox.

As he picked up the body and cut off her head,
He could tell by the smell that the old girl was dead.

He filled in the grave by the moonlight above,
And once more old Ed had found a new love. 

Unknown axe-murderer, subject of a nursery rhyme:

    Original Verse - Here comes a candle to light you to bed
    Twisted Verse - Here comes a chopper to chop off your head

___________________________________
Fritz Haarmann, lust murderer and cannibal:

    Just you wait 'til it's your time,
    Haarmann will come after you,
    With his chopper, oh so fine,
    He'll make mincemeat out of you.

___________________________________
Lizzy Borden a British "Queen Poisoner":    
     
    Lizzie Borden took an axe
    And gave her mother forty whacks
    And when she saw what she had done,
    She gave her father forty-one

___________________________________
Mary Ann Cotton, Black Widow:
 
    Mary Ann Cotton
    She's dead and she's rotten.
    She lies in her bed
    With her eyes wide open.

___________________________________
Burke and Hare stole bodies from medical school, selling the bodies to Knox:

    Burke's the murderer, Hare's the thief,
    And Knox the boy who buys the beef.

___________________________________
Jack the Ripper "Butcher of Whitechapel":

    Jack the Ripper stoke a kipper,
    Hid it in his father's slipper.

___________________________________
Ruxton killed his wife and the housemaid witnessed it:

    Red stains on the carpet, red stains on your knife
    Oh Dr. Buck Ruxton, you murdered your wife.
    The nursemaid she saw you, and threatened to tell.
    Oh Dr. Buck Ruxton, you killed her as well.

___________________________________
Edward Gein, sicko:

    There once was a man named Ed
    Who wouldn't take a woman to bed.
    When he wanted to diddle, 
    He cut out the middle,
    And hung the rest in a shed.

In a book called "The Sexual Criminal", there is a 
chapter called "The Poetic Nature of the Sado-Masochist",
where convicted sex offenders wrote poetry.
Here is a example, entitled "Uncensored Exotics".



Vainly I crouch at the fireside,
For the flames on the hearth cannot warm me.
Vainly I put on coats
Against the cold of the start winds...

And my bones are chilled within me
And my blood is become as water.
And now from the void behind me

Comes a piping of the piper,
That senseless, complaining piping,
That tuneless, high, thin piping...

Then, with a shout, I surrender, 
And leap to do the bidding.
From the wall I snatch my weapons
And rush from the house to the forest.
Where the road winds down the mountain,
Panting I lie in ambush,
Waiting for some poor traveller
Who shall bring me my release.
When he comes with laggard footsteps,
Sudden and fierce is my onslaught.
Like a beast I overcome him
And utterly destroy him.
And I cut out his heart and eat it,
And I guzzle his blood like nectar,
And I cut off his head and scalp him,
And hand his scalp at my belt.
Homeward I walk through the snowdrifts,
And my heart is warm within me,
And my blood and bones are new again
And the star winds cease to chill me....

      

Belle Gunness was a lady fair,
In Indiana State.
She weighed about three hundred pounds,
And that is quite some weight.

That she was stronger than a man
Her neighbors all did own;
She butchered hogs right easily,
And did it all alone.

But hogs were just a sideline
She indulged in now and then;
Her favorite occupation
Was a-butchering of men.