"Space .......The Final Frontteeth......"
"These are the voyages of the Starship Sinnerprize..."
Captain's Log...(stardate 2525) "The Sinnerprize has been in space now for 6.9 stardates, the crew is tired and morale is low.. Starfeet command has issued an order to investigate a black hole, which has formed on the rear quarter panel of the Ford Galaxy... this trip is six furlongs from our home base, Mamalia... I fear that the crew is tired and fed up, I must decide if the threat of a mutiny is real or just a figment of my imagination... God I hate this job..... END OF LOG...Thaddeus T. Slurk, Captain, Starfeet Starship, Sinnerprize"
The Sinnerprize is heading towards a black hole, located in the rear quarter panel of The Ford Galaxy, on secret orders that a Robotussin attack force is building at the edge of the hole. The crew is unaware of the Robotussin build up, only our hero, Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, knows that if the Robotussins are indeed building an attack force, the whole fabric of the StarFeet organization could be threatened. The Robotussins are a fierce race of aliens whose only intent is to destroy the federation of good planets, the StarFeet. The crew of the Sinnerprize believes that their mission is to investigate a new black hole, that is apparently sucking space whales in... the crew (or so they think) is to collect space whale droppings and identify the origin of the whales, to determine if this new black hole could be a threat to the Starfeet. Collecting space whale droppings is a mundane chore to say the least, and its been a very long trip so far, and the promise of collecting shit is not appealing to the crew.
Captain Slurk sits in his command chair, a mighty man who has no tolerance for evil, no respect for wrongdoings, and who believes in truth, justice, and the american way of life... On his right is his trusty first mate, Loopi 9, an android that was picked up in c section by Slurk for $9.99, a steal on any planet. Behind him, at the communication panel, is first lieutenant, Wassa Matter Yomomma. Also on the bridge is ensign Checklist, the helmsman of the ship, and ensign Zero, the Navigator. There are also a few others who are not regulars in this story, so who cares about them?
The bridge of the Sinnerprize is extremely quiet, except for the two radar detectors, Frick and Frack, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The tension is thick... then suddenly the silence is broken by a sharp whistle, signaling the captain that someone wants to communicate with him...
"Jeez!!!" shouts the captain as he jumps from his chair, "Why does that damn thing have to be so loud? And why do we need it anyway? Why cant we have a sweet female voice silently whisper, 'captain, you have a message'??" Then the whistle goes off again... "OK OK," shouts the Captain Slurk, as he presses the communicator on his lapel, "What is it?" The communicator answers back, "Captain, I don't know if you are aware or not, but there is a mob building up on deck 13, they are buying all the laser guns and they are burning an effigy of you. If i didn't know better, Thad, id swear that they are planning a mutiny." It was the voice of the ship's doctor, Duck D. Coy. "Don't worry about it, Ligaments, Im sure they're just frustrated, flood deck 13 with Nervous Gas, that will calm em down." replies the captain.
Suddenly ensign Checklist shouts, "Captain, we are approaching the black hole."
Captains Log....Stardate 5266253721764628821399.7
"The Sinnerprize is about to be within visual range of the black
hole, where Starfeet Command believes a Robotussin force is building. The
crew still believes we are here only to collect space whale droppings.
I don't quite know how to tell them that we may be on the verge of an all
out intergalactic war with the evil Robotussin empire... it's kinda like
breaking the news to your young one that there is not a santa claus.. I
know how my mom felt now when I was 16.. The rumors of a mutiny are still
abound, but I don't believe them...I am a space hero! Who could look upon
me and not love this heroish face? Anyway, Doctor Duck Decoy has flooded
deck thirteen with deadly nervous gas, 136 men women and children who he
believed were planning a mutiny have been killed. If he was wrong, then
let the report show that it was all his fault, i had nothing to do with
it. Luckily the 37 androids on that deck had the new hepa filters installed,
so they were undamaged by the gas."
***END OF LOG ENTRY***
The Sinnerprize is perched 120 clicks from the edge of the black hole. The black hole is a swirling circle of pure nothing, not even light can escape its gravity.. thereby accounting for being called a black hole.
The Sinnerprize must use its engine on .25 reverse propulsion to keep from being sucked in. All sorts of space debris flies past the ship and into the hole, a 1957 chevrolet, an old school bus, a couple of junked out space shuttles, a whole collection of Beatles albums, including the White one.
Captain Slurk is standing in front of the view screen, watching the junk fly by. "Man, look at all that junk.." Slurk says, "Who would've thought that mankind could pollute space so bad? Its a good thing that our generation saw the need to stop polluting space."
Just then, the loud speaker said, "Sanitation deck to bridge...our holding tanks are full, when are we going to be able to get to a dumping station to empty them?" Slurk, knowing that the closest dumping station was a good 3 day horseride away, walks over to the screen and looks all around. He then clicks the speaker button and says "Sanitation, this is the bridge, this looks like a good place to dump it.. but, err, make sure the Sinnerprize's name is not on anything ok?"
Suddenly the view of the black hole was blocked out by the enormous amount of garbage that was released by the ship. Slurk watched a copy of Starfeet Command secret codes fly by and disappear into the hole. "Dammitt!" he shouted, "I wondered what I did with that code book." Then the garbage disappeared into the black hole, and the area was clear again.
Slurk walked over to his captains chair and sit down. "Captain Slurk,"
said first suckup, Loopi 9, "Scanners show no space whale droppings in
the area of the black hole."
"Shhh...." shouted Slurk, "Listen!" Everyone got real quite. the only sounds on the bridge were the millions of beeps whistles and screeches of the equipment on all the walls, none of which Slurk knew what was for. "I thought I heard something out there." said Slurk, sitting on the edge of his seat, stretching to hear better.
Ensign Checklist bent over to Zero and whispered, "Space is a vacuum,
how could he hear anything out there?" Zero chuckled.
"What?" yelled Slurk, "Are you guys planning a mutiny or something?"
"No sir." shouted both the men. Checklist patted the laser gun, neatly tucked away under his shirt, just for re-assurance.
"Quiet!" shouted Slurk again as he walked over to the screen, looking
out at he black hole. "But sir," said Loopi 9, "Scanners show nothing at
all out there. the black hole's gravitational field, which is caused when
a star collasp..."
"Shut up, you piece of rust and junk held together by a thin teflon skin.." shouted Slurk.
"There!" shouted Slurk, pointing at the top edge of the black hole.
Suddenly a gigantic silver war ship appeared above the edge of the hole... Everyone on the bridge looked surprised as their mouths fell open... the scanners were going crazy and Loopi 9 had to reboot.
"I knew it!!" shouted Slurk as he pounded his fist on a control panel.
Zero finally managed to say, "A Robotussin wardog!!!! And fully armed!"
Chapter Three.... An Old Enemy
When we last left our fearless crew on the Sinnerprize..... The ship was positioned 120 clicks from the black hole, when a gigantic silver ship appeared above the edge of the hole, a state of the art Robotussin wardog!
"Shields to maxi...arm photomat torpedos...charge laser pointers....put
out the cat.." Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk barked his commands as his fateful
crew diligently carried them out..
"Code RED!!! Blue light special in hardware.."
Then there was silence.. Our hero, Captain Slurk bends over in his chair, with one eyebrow raised, he studies his enemy on the view screen.. it was their move now.
"Captain Slurk," Lieutenant Yomomma, the communications engineer, interrupted the silence, "The Robotussin war dog is hailing us, sir."
"Put in on the screen" yelled Slurk.
The view screen changed to a view of the bridge of the evil Robotussin
war dog. Slurk raised his other eyebrow as he studied the back of a chair,
only the top portion of a black helmet peering above the chair.. then the
chair slowly began to rotate to reveal a sinister being.
He was tall, his head way above the back of the chair, as he turned into view, Slurk could see he was wearing a black helmet, with matching black uniform and black gloves. There was a control panel at the base of the helmet, with flashing lights and a cd rom. His helmet had two eye holes, but they were covered with black smoked lenses...
Then he spoke, his voice sounded as if it were coming through a drive-in theater speaker...and his heavy breathing filled the gaps between his words... "Captain Slurk? We meet again..."
Slurk jumped from his seat, his mouth popped open and both eyebrows
After a moment of silence Slurk finally said, "Sir Gretchen!!! IT cant be.. I killed you in the war of the Roses!!!"
"No, Slurk," replied the evil one, "You killed my twin brother, Sir Bitchin, he was filling in for me that day, my helmet was dirty and i had to stay home and polish it."
"What do you want Gretchen? You are in Starfeet territory, you are violating our peace treaty." Slurk replied.
"Screw peace!!" shouted Gretchen, "I am claiming this black hole in the name of Robotussin Territory, and in the name of our supreme leader, Count Meout!"
"That is an act of war, you slimy son of a vending machine!!" yelled Slurk, "Take this!!"
As soon as Slurk gave the order to fire, a barrage of photomat torpedoes, laser beams, scud missiles, and a 93 Corsica were thrown at the evil wardog.
Then as the smoke was clearing, Slurk grinned and said, "Guess we
showed them not to mess with Starfeet..."
But as the smoke cleared, the wardog reappeared, un harmed... "What the?" asked Slurk.
Then Sir Gretchen re-appeared on the screen. "Slurk, you fool!! This ship is a brand new Lincoln, fully equipped with state of the art semiconductors immersed in the latest technology of coolant, we have the latest pentium 786 with 1 meg cache and four in the floor... your puny weapons cannot hurt me... but, have a taste of this little gem.." Gretchen slammed his black glove over a red button.
"Captain Slurk!!" yelled first suckup Loopi 9, "Sensors show that the wardog just fired a weapon at us.... a ball of pure energy, 10 times larger than our ship, is headed straight for us... our shields cannot hold up to that thing.." Slurk is at the edge of his seat, his left hand tightly clutched between his knees, chewing on his right fist....
Chapter Four.... Warp 100.2
When we left our heroes on the Sinnerprize, they had just been fired on by a new space aged state of the art Robotussin wardog...
"Captain!" shouts the first suckup, Loopi 9, "The energy blast will overtake our primary shields in 6.345266837736 seconds, may I suggest that we get the hell out of here?"
"Good suggestion," shouts Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, "Ensign Checklist, give us full speed reverse direction..."
Checklist grabs a lever on the floor in front of him and tries to
push it forward, but it appears to be stuck as a loud grinding noise comes
from beneath it.
"Checklist!!!" shouts Slurk, "I need full reverse..."
"Sorry sir," shouts Checklist, "I cant get it to go into reverse.."
Slurk jumps from his captain's chair and slaps Checklist out of the navigator's chair.
"Do I have to do everything around here myself?" shouts Slurk, "You
gotta mash the clutch first, you idiot.." Slurk steps on a pedal on the
floor, pushing it to the floor.
Slurk then pushes the stick forward and presses a button marked "GO....REALLY FAST".
The Sinnerprize immediately takes off in reverse, throwing everyone
forward.. Loopi 9, thanks to his upgraded gyro stabilizer, remains staid
fast at his console..
"Captain, our primary shields have failed.." shouts Loopi 9. "And the energy blast is gaining on us.. My math co-processor calculates contact within 5.7689326 seconds.."
"Bridge to engineering.." shouts Slurk..
"Engineering.. Slot here." replies the ships engineer, Quart R. Slot.
"Slotty," shouts Slurk, "I need more power!!"
"But Capin... I don't think she can do much more en what she is a doing now.."
"Slotty, bring on the reserve Briggs and Stratton.." shouts Slurk.
"But capin.." shouts Slot, "It aint a been tested yet.. I caint guarantee what the new briggs will do.."
"Captain, I estimate secondary shields will fail in 3.45 seconds..." shouts Loopi 9.
"Slotty!! Bring on the reserve Briggs and stratton, do it now man!" shouts Slurk.
"Well, if you say so, capin, but I aint gonna be held responsible of any environmental issues that come out of that new fangled un leaded gasoline that it uses."
Suddenly the ships speed increased by 10 times as the experimental Briggs and Stratton engine fired up.
After a few moments, Loopi 9, who is bent over a small scanner screen, shouts, "Sir, we are gaining distance on the energy blast... sensors also show that the energy blast is dissipating.... yes, it is now completely gone and we are safe."
"Good," shouts Slurk, "Everyone can stop shouting now."
"Sir we are currently traveling at warp speed 99.9, and we are 20,000 leagues from the Black Hole..." Loopi 9 says.
"Warp 99.9?" asks Slurk.." I think we have set a new record for speed.. Slotty, turn that new powerhorse off, we need to stop and plot a course for a repair station."
But the ship continues to gain speed.
"Warp 100.2" says Loopi 9.
"Slotty!!" shouts Slurk, "slow this damn thing down..."
"Engineering to da bridge... we have really got a mess on our hands here, the Briggs and Stratton wont quit running... I have tried jes about everything I know to do." shouts Slot.
"Well, piss on the sparkplug, anything, just do something.." shouts Slurk.
The ship begins to shake from the force being exerted on it. It was not designed to travel at this incredible speed.
Just then Loopi 9 looks up from his control console and says, "Captain, we have another problem on our hands."
"What is it Loopi?" asks Slurk...
"We are on a collision course with the Planet Gear...if we hit that planet, we will be destroyed and also all 6 billion people on the planet.." shouts Loopi 9.
"There is never supposed to be anything in our way when we are traveling in warp speed, it just don't happen, its even says so in the owners manual that came with this thing." Shouts Slurk.
"Well sir, there is something in our way today..." replies Loopi 9.
"Slotty!!!" shouts Slurk, "Stop us now!"
Chapter Five............ Slot to the rescue!!!
When we left our fearless heroes, the Sinnerprize was speeding at top notch warp in reverse,... they had out run the deadly energy blast that was fired by the Robotussin wardog. But, the new Briggs & Stratton prototype backup engine had failed to shut down when requested, and the Sinnerprize is caught in a constant acceleration mode... and directly in the path lies the Planet Gear, inhabited by 6 billion men, women and children of mixed sexes.
"Slotty, stop this thing.." Captain Slurk screams as he beats the arm of his chair.
"Captain, we will enter planet Gear's personal space in 10.5 seconds." the android, Loopi 9 says.
"My God!" shouts Slurk, as he paces in front of the view screen, "Haven't I been a good captain? Haven't I went to church at least twice in the past 10 years? Haven't I been kind to old ladies and even watched the Jerry Lewis Telethon year after year? Please God, please save me from this, I don't want to die!"
Slurk fell down on his knees, tears streaming down his face... "Please
God, I even promise that if you save me, I'll donate money to the Photomat
Torpedo Manufactures' Fund for Wild Alien Preservation.."
Just then an idea hit Slurk.. he jumped up and yelled, "Torpedo room! load aft torpedo tubes with the most powerful photomat we have. Target planet Gear and prepare to fire on my command."
Everyone got quiet as Slurk jumped back in his captain's seat and leaned back, smiling.
"Sir," said Loopi 9, "Planet Gear is inhabited by 6 billion people, surely you are not going to destroy it?"
"Hey, its either us or them. And if we collide wont it destroy most of the planet anyway?"
"But sir, that would be mass murder, my morality module cannot allow that."
"Well, with a little tweaking I can take care of that morality module... prepare to fire on my count... 10...9....8...7...6..."
The planet Gear had come into view on the rear view finder, and was getting closer by the second.
Slurk continued his countdown "5...4...3...2..."
Suddenly a loud thump was heard and the ship came to a screeching halt.... everyone on the bridge was thrown out of their seats and into a pile at the rear of the bridge... all but Loopi 9, who was held in place by his Velcroian boots.
Captain Slurk crawled out from under the pile of people and slowly got to his feet. He stretched and pulled his suit down to straighten any wrinkles. He punched the communicator on his lapel.
"Bridge to engineering, what happened down there Slotty?"
An unfamiliar voice quickly answered, "This is engineering... Engineer Slot is unable to come to the phone right now, sir."
"Who the devil is this? And where is Slot?" shouted Slurk as he climbed back into his chair.
"Sir, this is engineer trainee first class Spud Spammeet, and engineer Slot is sorta rolling on the floor right now, I think we need medical down here quick, sir."
"Spammeet!! What's wrong with Slot?"
"Well, sir, he kinda, err, pardon the expression, but peed on the sparkplug, that's what stopped us, sir." replied the young trainee as Slot was screaming in the background.
"Well, tell Slot that he is to be commended for his act of bravery, I will mention him in my captains Log.. and tell him to take two aspirin."
Captain Slurk stood up and looked around. Somewhere on the other side of the Ford Galaxy was a ship that had just kicked his butt big time, and he wasn't going to let them get away with it. He knew that as soon as the Sinnerprize was repaired, he had to return to the blackhole and find his old enemy, Sir Gretchen of Robotussier.
"I will be in my ready room," said Slurk as he walked off the bridge and into his private ready room. He sat behind his big desk made of skeletons of rare and endangered space aliens.....
"Captains Log, stardate 6677.987
I have once again saved the Sinnerprize from not only destroying itself, but also from destroying the planet Gear. Let the record show that I was willing to destroy the Sinnerprize to save the inhabitants of Gear, and that I quickly cut down Loopi 9's idea of destroying the planet to remove it from our path...footnote: I think Loopi 9 needs to be took back to Walmart for a new setup. Also let it be known that my quick thinking and undying courage once again showed that I am indeed a space hero in my own time.....
We are making repairs to the ship, and will beam down to planet Gear to purchase a new 586 upgrade for the Sinnerprize, then we plan to return to the blackhole and destroy the Robotussin wardog once and for all. Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, captain, USS Sinnerprize..."
****END OF LOG****"
Chapter Six..... The Big Guy
Star date: 236587777.998867.112233 Star place: Star Feet Headquarters, Nerfian division, Planet Nerf.
Our hero, Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, walks down the long corridor leading to the judicial chambers of The Grand Poohbah of Planet Nerf, Ima Strangeone.
Strangeone is the head of Starfeet Headquarters, Nerfian Division. The only ones who are above him on the Starfeet ladder are The Supreme Three.
Slurk is nervous, its not every day that he gets called in for a special meeting from someone so high up in the world. He walks to the big doors of the judicial chamber, he swallows hard as he opens the door. An android meets him at the door, and escorts him to Strangeone's personal office.
Slurk walks into the grand and glorious office. A fat man sits behind a giant desk made of rare and endangered carcasses of the wompus pussy cat. Slurk knows right away that the fat man is the grand poohbah, Ima Strangeone.
Strangeone is going through some papers on his desk. He looks up, clears his throat and says to Slurk, "Ah, Captain Slurk, please have a seat."
Slurk nervously sits down and says, "Err, you wanted to see me sir?"
"Yes, Slurk, I was just going through your ships logs, and I see where you believe that Sir Gretchen is alive and well."
"Yes sir, and he has a powerful new ship, state of the art."
"Yes, I read it in here... hmmm, looks like you almost destroyed the Planet Gear on your hasty retreat."
"Well sir, that was a close one, but I risked life and limb to save Gear and Starfeet's prize ship, The Sinnerprize!" smiled Slurk.
"Yes I see..... Looks like your android got a little crazy and wanted to destroy Gear?"
"Yes sir, but I think a few minor adjustments will get him as good as new..."
"That's not like a Loopi model, they are usually very stable, I've owned a model 5 for years now, got nearly 100,000 light years on the old girl, never a minutes trouble."
"Yes sir, but you know how some of the new models are, still got a few bugs." replied Slurk.
"Hmmm, yes I suppose." said Strangeone as he laid down the papers and leaned forward over his desk. He crossed his hands and said, "Listen Slurk, this new Robotussin wardog thing is pretty scary. The Supreme Three are extremely concerned about this new threat to the federation. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes sir!" said Slurk.
"Well, then I'm telling you that you have got to go back to the blackhole and destroy this thing."
"But sir, its big, and its got that powerful new weapon...."
Strangeone interrupted Slurk's whining, "I know Slurk. I know all that. But you are our only hope. You must defeat the evil Sir Gretchen once and for all."
"But sir," pleaded Slurk, "How am I supposed to do it?"
"Im glad you asked that." replied Strangeone as he opened his desk drawer and pulled out a tiny box.
"What's that?" asked Slurk.
"This, my son, is the most powerful force in the universe." replied Strangeone.
Slurk smiled and said, "It is?"
"Yes, Thaddeus, you are about to experience...." Strangeone opened the lid to the box.
A bright light shone from the box. It was so bright that Slurk had to squint his eyes. Slurk could hear soft organ music playing somewhere off in the distance....
Strangeone continued his sentence "....The FARCE!!!!"
A feeling of joy ran through Slurk's soul and he could have sworn he heard a "Tah Dah" sound loud in his mind, it reminded him of the ship's Windows 3.1, the sweet sound it made on startup...
"But what is the FARCE?" asked Slurk.
"The FARCE is a power so great that there is none greater.. it runs through all living things and binds us all in this universe.... learn the secrets of the FARCE and you will control destiny itself!!" said Strangeone as he closed the box.
"Far out!" exclaimed Slurk as his eyes began to adjust to the abrupt absence of the bright light.
Strangeone handed Slurk the small box.
"Here, take the FARCE with you, when you really need it, use it..... it will be all you need."
"Errr, ok." said Slurk as he stuffed the box in his pocket.
"Now, return to your ship, Captain Slurk. Return to the blackhole and kick the crap out of that low life Robotussin cat dung." exclaimed Strangeone.
"Yes Sir!" shouted Slurk as he stood at attention and saluted.
Slurk made his way to the door.
"Oh yeah, Thaddeus?" asked Strangeone.
"Yes?" answered Slurk.
"May I beam your android down here before you leave orbit? Id just like to double check his adjustments, maybe change his oil..."
"Yes, of course, sir." said Slurk as he walked out the door.
Strangeone opened another desk drawer and pulled out another device. He looked at it as he held it in his hands.
He pressed the communicator button on his desk console and said, "Miss Construed?"
"Yes?" answered the female voice of the receptionist, a Loopi 7 android.
"Could you beam Loopi 9 down from the Sinnerprize? Its in orbit around Nerf.... and Miss Construed? could you please prepare operating room 2? just beam Loopi 9 directly to the operating room, please."
"Yes sir." replied the receptionist.
Strangeone examined the small device in his hands... he read out loud what was written on it....
"Thermo Nuclear Device....danger...extremely powerful..do not allow small children to handle...do not immerse in water...stay at least 14000 light years away when igniting... do not ingest....do not machine wash....use only under adult supervision...made in Taiwan...return for deposit....do not remove this tag under penalty of law"
The voice of Miss Construed came over the intercom, "Sir, the android, Loopi 9, has been successfully transported to operating room 2."
"Good" smiled Strangeone, as he stuffed the device in his pocket and made his way towards the operating room.......
Chapter Seven...... The worm turns
Star Date: 1888, Star Place: Starfeet Headquarters, Nerfian Division, planet Nerf, just five blocks down the street from the Big Lots..
Ima Strangeone, the grand poohbah of Starfeet Command, enters the sterile operating room. He walks around the table where Loopi 9 lays, fully immobilized by the injection of DTE oil, laced with positive protons..
"Miss Construed!" he yells at his Loopi 7 android, "I will need a nurse for this operation, do you have your Hipocritic module installed?"
"Yes sir!" replies the android, "But I must warn you that it is the older 386 SX model, so don't expect me to know about neural net surgery."
"That wont be necessary, just aim your 40 megawatt laser and cut on this line I am drawing on this Loopi 9's chestal area."
Strangeone marks a black line with a crayola crayon along Loopi 9's chest.
He stands back and tells Miss Construed, "Fire when ready, use just enough power to cut through the teflon skin."
A door opens on Miss Construed's forehead and a small tube emerges. Suddenly a red beam extends from the tube to Loopi 9's chest, cutting gracefully along the black mark.
When the cutting is done, the red beam turns off and the smoking tube retracts into the android's forehead.
Ima Strangeone walks over to Loopi 9 and inspects the incision...
"Good work!" he exclaims as he pulls apart the teflon skin, exposing a metal frame of chromium and THX 31... he also uncovers a small door with the following words marked across it:
Warning!!!!! Do not open this door under Federation Law... Removing the seal on this door will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of Starfeet Federation Law..... Anyone caught tampering with this device will be fed to the ground dwellers....
Strangeone pulled out his pocket knife and cut the silver tape seal on the compartment.
Miss Construed's eyes began to enlarge.... she began waiving her arms and shouting, "Warning! Warning! It is against my programming to allow you to continue... I must destroy you!" Her forehead opened and the laser tube appeared...
Suddenly Strangeone's forehead opened and a bigger tube appeared.
A siren went began to squeal from within Miss Construed and she shouted, "You are a robot!!"
"That's right, honey. And a state of the art Robotussin Robot at that!"
"Danger! Danger!" shouted Construed, "I have alerted Starfeet Space Patrol on my Rektal Communicator! The cops are on the way!"
"You are getting on my nerves..." said Strangeone as his laser tube began to glow.
"I must inform you that it is against federation law to kill an android." said Miss Construed, as she began to back towards the door.
Then a bright white ball emerged from Strangeone's tube, heading directly for Miss Construed.
She screamed and turned for the door, "It is punishable by death to kill an andro..."
Suddenly the white ball hit her and she was burned to ashes, with a few teflon flakes flying around.
Strangeone then turned to the android on the table. He carefully opened the door on Loopi's chest. The door revealed a compartment with a lot of little red and green lights blinking. He took the small nuclear device and placed it in the cavity. He wired it to some copper bars within.
He then pulled a cable out of his left ear and plugged into the android. A loud sound like a 2800 bps modem was heard for a few seconds. Strangeone then disconnected the cable and closed the door on the android. He welded the incision back together using a 6011 welding rod, that automatically extended from his right forefinger.
Strangeone walked over to the transporter panel and pressed a button. Loopi 9 disappeared in a flash of light.
Then the Robotussin robot walked back to his personal quarters. He sat at his desk, exhausted from the energy blast he had used to destroy Miss Construed.
He had one final task to complete, he must report in. His forehead compartment opened again, but this time a projector lens extended. A beam of light appeared from the lens that formed a shape on the desk in front of him. The shape turned into an image of Sir Gretchen.
"Greetings, my faithful servant!" said the image of Sir Gretchen.
"Greetings my lord." replied Strangeone.
"I take it that you are contacting me with good news?" said Sir Gretchen.
"Yes, my lord. I have implanted the device on the Loopi 9 android and have downloaded my processor into his. When you press your remote control, my programming will overwrite his, and he will become me. Then we can deploy the nuclear device at your command."
"Good... You have done well.. you look a little peaked.. are you ok?"
"Well sir, the energy blast I used to destroy the Loopi 7 android drained my nicad batteries... I need a recharge."
"Yes, the energy blast that I directed at the Sinnerprize drained my ship's Duracells also. But your mission is over."
"But sir," said Strangeone, "The Starfeet patrol is on the way."
"Then I am forced to use the device that I implanted within you..." said Sir Gretchen, as he pulled out a remote control and aimed it at Strangeone.
"What are you talking about?" shouted Strangeone.
"I took the liberty to implant a nuclear device within you... a device which I now plan to activate."
"But that will destroy me!" shouted Strangeone.
"Yes, you and the Starfeet headquarters, Nerfian Division!" shouted Sir Gretchen as he pressed the button.
"You are going to kill me? I will get you back you sorry son of a..." shouted Strangeone as he exploded.
The entire Starfeet Headquarters was wiped out by the nuclear explosion. Luckily no one in Starfeet was injured, they were all at cloud 7, anxiously awaiting the speech to be made by Captain Slurk.
Slurk was to make his state of the space speech about the upcoming engagement with the new threat from the evil Robotussins.
And back at Kelly's Coffee House, the Space patrol was eating donuts and drinking coffee. They were watching a big screen TV, waiting for Captain Slurk to make his speech.
One of the patrolmen shouted, "Hey, I just got a page from an android in trouble over at Starfeet Headquarters.. should we check it out?"
"What?" said another patrolman, "And miss all these fresh donuts? Are you nuts?"
The first patrolman turned off his beeper and said, "Yeah, you're right, its probably just a false alarm anyway." Then he grabbed another donut and turned his head to the TV screen, as Captain Slurk appeared....
Chapter Eight...... Slurk addresses The Free World
Stardate: 6 7/8.... Starplace: Planet Nerf, Cloud 7..
The crowd was restless outside of the Public Address Stadium... they were awaiting their beloved hero (and ours), Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk.
Captain Slurk was about to announce to the free world his plan to destroy the latest threat from the evil Robotussin Empire in the neighboring galaxy of Starz...
Captain Slurk was nervous as he waited for his name to be called... he felt as if there was an impending cloud of doom hanging over him. For the first time since his meeting with Ima Strangeone, Slurk felt a doubt as to the chances of him defeating the new state of the art Robotussin wardog.
He was about ready to give it all up and run off to a remote island in the bottom quarter panel of the Ford galaxy. "Yes, run!" Slurk thought to himself.
But then Slurk heard a faint whisper..."Thad!" He turned to see the ghostly glow of his old mentor, Ima Strangeone.
"Ima?" Slurk said, "Is that you?"
"Yes Thad, it is I." replied the ghost.
"But, I, I just left you back on cloud 9, and why are you glowing?" asked Slurk.
"I was killed by Sir Gretchen's robot." said Strangeone.
"I don't understand." said Slurk.
"You will, in due time, Thad, but first you must shake this feeling you have. You must find the courage and the strength to defeat the evil Sir Gretchen."
"But how can I? He's got a bigger ship than me..."
"Size doesn't matter Thad, you have something that is much bigger than any Robotussin could ever have."
"Yeah? and what is that?" asked Slurk.
"You have the Farce with you..." said Strangeone.
Suddenly Slurk felt a warm and tingly feeling in his pocket. He smiled and said, "Oh yeah, the Farce."
"Use the Farce, Thad...." whispered Strangeone.
Suddenly Slurk heard the speaker out on the stage say "And now, with no more ado, I present your hero and mine, that space stud from way back, that killer of ground dwellers, Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk!"
"Well I gotta go," said Slurk as he turned back to Strangeone. But Strangeone had disappeared.
The crowd went wild as Slurk walked out onto the stage.
"Our hero!" they shouted, "Long live Slurk!"
From the back of the crowd someone shouted "Atta boy Thad!"
Slurk walked up to the microphone and cleared his throat.
He pulled his speech from his pocket and unfolded it..
"Ladies and Gentlemen," he said, "Boys and Girls, Androids, Dogs, Cats and other reasonable facsimiles of life.....
Four score and seven years ago..."
Slurk stopped and turned the page over... he scratched his head and began looking through his pockets.. "Errr" he stammered, "I seem to have picked up the wrong speech at the Speeches R Us store..... I guess I will have to play this one by ear."
Everyone was deftly quiet.
"Well, lets see.... You guys know there's a Robotussin wardog out there in space right?"
Everyone had a blank look..
"Well, anyway, I guess I am going to have to go out there and kick its but all the way back to Robotussin Territory."
The crowd went wild, cheering and shouting "Kick em, Thad! kick em good!"
"Well," said Slurk, "If there's no questions, I guess I will go."
"I have a question!" shouted a little man in the front row.
"Yes?" asked Slurk, squinting his eyes.
"I'm from The Daily Planet, and my sources tell me that this wardog has already kicked your butt once, I guess I'd just like to know how you plan to defeat this thing?"
"Well," replied Slurk, "I have in my possession....the Farce!"
There was a shroud of silence then someone said, "Did he say the Farce?"
Slurk smiled big and stuck out his chest.
Then everyone started laughing.
Slurk's mouth fell open.. he was a space hero! He was a stranger to ridicule, yet that was what he was getting now.
Then the laughter died down and the small man from The Daily Planet chuckled and said, "You're kidding right? Everyone knows the Farce was an ancient religion that was proven false way back in stardate 23, you're just trying to make us laugh, aren't you?"
"No." said Slurk, "I'm as serious as a heart attack."
The crowd grew silent again. Then there were rumbling noises as the people were whispering among themselves.
Someone shouted, "He's crazy!"
Someone else shouted an agreement.
Then someone said "Let's throw him to the ground dwellers!"
The crowd began to run down to the stage. Slurk ran off the stage only to see another angry mod coming up from behind. He was trapped.
Then in his mind Slurk heard Strangeone say, "Thad, use the Farce!"
The crowd was getting closer and Slurk could see they were waiving knives and baseball bats.
"Screw that!" he shouted as he punched the communicator on his lapel.
"Slurk to Sinnerprize!!!"
"Sinnerprize here." answered the ships engineer.
"Beam me up Slotty!!!" shouted Slurk. "And do it now man!"
As Captain Slurk disappeared, the two crowds collided, killing 40 people and short circuiting 5 androids...
Chapter Nine... Narrow Escape
Engineer Quart R. Slot watched as the transporter pad glowed a bright yellow light. The light began to take on a form, and as the light dimmed, he could see his beloved Captain, Thaddeus T. Slurk.
After a few seconds, the captain had completely materialized and Slot could see a look of excitement on Slurk's face.
"Capin!" shouted Slot, "What in da wurld happened down there?"
"Never mind Slotty," replied Slurk as he jumped down from the pad and ran for the door, "Plot a course for the blackhole, and I want top speed!"
"Aye Capin!" shouted Slot with a smile, "Its about time we went an kicked them Robotussies butts!"
Slurk entered the express elevator and said, "The bridge."
As the doors closed a female computer voice said, "Captain Slurk, shall we stop off at deck 69, women's lingerie, as usual?"
"Err, no, better go straight to the bridge, I'm in a hurry."
As the door to the elevator opened onto the bridge, everyone was busy pressing buttons and turning knobs. Slurk wondered why, just as he had wondered why for years.
Slurk climbed into his captain's chair and barked his order, "Checklist! Plot a course for the blackhole!"
Everyone cheered. Lieutenant Yomomma said, "Its about time we stood up to that nasty Sir Gretchen!"
Suddenly Ensign Checklist yelled, "Captain, scanners have picked up two incoming scud missiles, fired from planet Nerf.... heading straight for us!"
"Evasive maneuvers!" shouted Slurk, "Bridge to engineering, Slotty! Give us maximum warp speed now! Checklist! Use the Jupiter 2 evasive move!"
The massive Sinnerprize tilted to one side as one of the scud missiles flew by, barely missing its target. The ship then tilted to the other side, as the other missile flew by, also missing the ship.
"Sir!" shouted Checklist, "The missiles are turning, they are heading for us again!"
Suddenly everyone was thrown to the back of the bridge as the Sinner prize leaped into warp speed. The missiles were left far behind. The missiles crashed back into planet Nerf, totally destroying Cloud 7.
Captain Slurk climbed out from under the pile of people. He stood up and pulled his shirt down.
"We have got to install seat belts on this thing!" he said.
"I'll be in my ready room taking a nap, wake me when we get to the blackhole." said Slurk as he walked to his ready room.
"Captain Slurk?" asked Ensign Zero, "What sort of new secret weapon do we have?"
"Secret weapon?" asked Slurk.
"Yes, I was just wondering if we needed any special training?"
"No, Zero, I have all the training that we will need... for I have in my possession, THE FARCE!" replied Slurk as he entered his ready room and closed the door.
Everyone looked at each other then Zero said, "He's kidding, right?"
"He looked pretty serious to me." remarked Yomomma.
Zero leaned over to Checklist and whispered, "You still got that mutiny gun?"
"You betcha!" smiled Checklist as he patted the bulge in his shirt.
Finally the ship's doctor, Duck Decoy, said "I'd better go have a chat with our good captain."
As the doctor made his way to the captain's ready room, no one noticed that the first suckup, Loopi 9, was having a few problems.
Loopi 9 couldn't remember if he had reset his internal timex to account for the time difference of warp speed.
Neither did anyone notice that there was a puddle of oil at Loopi's feet.
Chapter 10... Gretchen, the Destroyer
Stardate: 19999 Starplace: On board the evil Robotussin wardog "Slyvia's Mother", situated 10 clicks behind the black hole, quadrant 6, section 8, rear quarter panel of the Ford galaxy.
Sir Gretchen sits in his cubicle filled with fartnon gas.
Fartnon gas is deadly to most life species in the universe, but Sir Gretchen needs it to survive.
Sir Gretchen's helmet is removed, since he is in a cubicle filled with the deadly fartnon gas, he doesn't need the helmet, which ordinarily would supply the fartnon. He scratches his ugly head and starts to think back of how he started on the road to becoming the second most powerful force in all Robotussin Territory.
An accident in stardate 188 rendered Sir Gretchen a nearly dead shell
of his former self. He was picked up by the then Captain Ulef Meout.
Meout was head of the Robotussin Empire's third space battalion.
He picked up the near dead Gretchen and outfitted his body with machines to keep him alive. Meout gave Gretchen a new lease on life. The captain taught Gretchen to use the power of the Farce... but the power that Meout practiced was evil and was known as The Dark Side of the Farce.
Together Gretchen and Meout formed an alliance that was to become
stronger than any force ever known in the Robotussin Empire.
One day when King Tut of Robotussier (the king of Robotussin territory at the time), was vacationing with his family in Disney Planet, Meout and Gretchen seized power and Meout appointed himself Count of Robotussier.....
Sir Gretchen rose to power with the count, and his first mission was to destroy Disney Planet along with the King Tut and his family. In one blast from a Warball, the king of Robotussier was no more, along with Goofy, Micky, and Donald Duck...(Gotta take the bad with the good).
Sir Gretchen smiles as he remembers the good ole days. His smile turns to a grin as he says to himself, "Soon Count Meout will be dead and I will be the supreme leader of Robotussier!"
Then his grin turns to a frown, "But first I must crush that dag blasted Captain Slurk! Only then will the count trust me enough to turn his back on me!"
Suddenly there was a knock at the door of the cubicle. Gretchen looked through the window, it was a soldier, no doubt delivering a message for him.
Gretchen push some buttons and a crane lowered the massive 200 pound helmet onto his head. The Fartnon gas began to evacuate the cubicle. In a few moments the door of the cubicle opened. Fartnon gas poured out onto the floor at the soldier's feet.
"What is it soldier?" asks Gretchen.
"Sir Gretchen! We have received a message from the Flagship 'Verbatim'. It seems that Count Meout is headed this way."
"The Count is coming here? Whatever for?" asks Gretchen.
"He didn't say sir, but I'd guess it was to take part in our grand destruction of Star Feet!"
"Hmmm, well, I guess I need to tidy up the place a bit... thank you soldier, that will be all."
The soldier couldn't help it. Maybe it was the stench of the fartnon
gas. Maybe it was the dog ugly site of Sir Gretchen without his helmet
on. But the soldier let a thought creep into his head.
Even though he knew that Sir Gretchen could read minds, the soldier thought to himself, "Man that guy is not only ugly, but he sure does stink too."
"I heard that thought!" shouted Sir Gretchen as he grabbed the soldier around his neck.
"So you don't like my smell huh?" said Gretchen as he pulled the soldier into the cubicle with him. "Well, maybe you just haven't learned to appreciate the aroma of good Fartnon, maybe I can help you hone your senses."
The soldier gasped and said, "No, please, I didn't mean it, I was thinking of my mother in law...."
But with a press of a button, the cubicle door closed and the cubicle filled with Fartnon.
After a few screams, the door opened again. Fartnon gas poured from
the open door and the body of the soldier slumped out the door. The soldier
laid on the floor, eyes wide open and tongue hanging out.
He was as dead as last years Thanksgiving turkey. His body was twisted from the effects of the Fartnon gas. To die by Fartnon was a terrible death.
The loud speaker onboard the ship said, "Cleanup on aisle 8."
As Sir Gretchen removed his helmet his tv screen flashed "Incoming Chat request!"
He pressed the "accept chat" button and the image of Count Meout appeared before him.
"Greetings my lord!" said Gretchen as he hung his head and picked his nose. (This is the ceremonial way of showing respect in Robotussin Culture).
"Greetings, my little one. I guess you know by now that I am on the way to help you defeat the Sinnerprize."
"Yes my lord. But it is not necessary, I assure you that this Wardog is more than capable of destroying Captain Slurk and his puny ship."
"I know, I know, but what does it hurt to have a backup? And once you have crushed the Sinnerprize, I will join you as we both conquer all of Star Feet and take control of all their precious beer!!" smiled the count.
"Ummmmm........beer!" murmured Gretchen.
"So, tell me, Sir Gretchen, what is your plan?" asked Count Meout.
"Well, I have a decoy planted on the Sinnerprize.
As soon as they are within range, I will send a signal that will overwrite the programming of their android, Loopi 9.
He will then carry out his programming and activate a thermo nuclear device that will destroy the Sinnerprize.
I will use the massive energy released by the explosion to reverse the pull of this black hole. Millions of years of sucked up energy will be released in the direction of The Ford Galaxy, wiping out all life in its path. This will pave the way for us to defeat what ever may be left of Star Feet...."
"Good!" grinned the evil Count Meout. "Very good!"
"Sir, may I ask you a question?" asked Gretchen.
"Of course, my boy, what is it?"
"Well, when you rebuilt me, why did you use machines that required Fartnon gas? Do you know how much trouble it is to get a date when your breath smells like Fartnon?"
"Well, my boy, you see, that was a long time ago, and Walmart was having this big sale on fartnon equipment and....... need I say more?"
"No sir, I understand." said Gretchen as he picked his nose again.
"Good, then I shall see you soon... and until then, when we watch the destruction of the Ford Galaxy together.... tootaloo"
"By your command..." said Sir Gretchen as the image of the count
Chapter 11..................A New Knight
Stardate: 12, Starplace: Star Feet Star Ship Sinnerprize, enroute to the Black Hole, via route 99....
Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk sits at his desk. With a feeling of despair he holds the tiny box that was given to him by Ima Strangeone. He wonders if he is doing the right thing, risking the Sinnerprize and its crew on a religion that had long ago been cast away as nonsense.
He turns the box to view all its sides. He tries to open the lid, but cant. He finally tosses the box over in the corner of the room. "What have I done?" he yells aloud. "I have sentenced the crew of this fine ship to a premature death! That's what I've done!"
He then buries his head in his hands and begins to sob.
Suddenly the room gets brighter and Slurk hears a voice say, "Thad!"
Slurk looks up and sees the ghostly figure of Ima Strangeone.
The ghost walks over to Slurk, and sits on the edge of Slurk's desk.
"Thad," the ghost said, "Have you forgotten all that I have taught you?"
Slurk leans back in his chair and says, "And just what the hell have you taught me?"
"Were you not listening when I told you of the Farce? Did I not tell you of your destiny?"
"Well, no, you didn't." said Slurk.
"I didn't?" asks Strangeone, with a puzzled look on his face. "Wait a minute, I did too!"
"No you didn't!" argued Slurk.
"Are you sure?" asks Strangeone, "I could've sworn I trained you in the ways of the Farce?"
"You aint done diddly crap!" shouted Slurk, "All you have done is show up glowing like you drank some radioactive beer, saying 'use the Farce' and then disappearing! I don't even know what the Farce is!!!"
"Well, it seems I have failed you, I am deeply sorry, my son."
"Why don't you go haunt somebody else? Yeah, go haunt Sir Gretchen, he deserves it!" shouted Slurk as he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a Colt 45 laser gun.
Slurk pointed the laser gun at the ghostly figured and fired.
The gun emitted a bright beam that went right through Strangeone and struck a control panel on the wall. The panel burst into flames. A red light flashed on the wall and the ship's computer said, "Warning! Warning! Primary shield control has been disabled!"
Slurk looked at the flaming panel and said, "I always wondered what that box was for."
"Thad," said Strangeone, "I am already dead. What else can you do to me? Put the gun away before you blow up this whole ship and put an end to this story."
Slurk laid the gun back in the drawer and said, "What do you want from me?"
"I want you to live up to your destiny." replied Strangeone.
"I am living up to my destiny." stated Slurk, "I'm the greatest space hero since Buck Rogers!"
"Being a space hero is not your destiny.." said Strangeone.
"It's not? Then just what is?" asked Slurk.
"You are a manipulator of the Farce, you, Thad, are a Yugo knight."
Slurk started laughing, "A Yugo knight? Ha Ha.... tell me another one."
"It is true, Thad, you are a Yugo knight, just as your father before you was a Yugo knight, and his father before him, and his father before him, errrr, no, he was a used car salesman in the Bronx."
"My father a Yugo knight? Haa!! Now I know you are lying, my father was a space slug scraper for the Fifth Dimension Mining Company."
"Wertz Slurk was not your real father, Thad. You were adopted by Wertz and Selma Slurk when you were only 6 months old."
"You're kidding me, right?" asked Slurk.
"No, I wish I were Thad, but it is in your blood to become an expert of the ways of the Farce, it is your destiny to become a Yugo knight."
Slurk sat on his bed. He couldn't believe what he had just heard.
How could his parents have lied to him for so long?
"No." said Slurk, "I don't believe it."
"Thad, why do you think your parents never had any other children? You know they could afford more, what with the grand salary a slug scraper made in those days."
"I don't know, maybe I was enough?"
"Your father was impotent, Thad... You can check his medical records. He was injured in a scraper machine accident. He was rendered, errr, unable to bear children."
Slurk thought back and could never remember seeing his father without some sort of clothes on. He began to put two and two together..
"I will tell you who your real father is, Thad, but brace yourself, you aint gonna like what you hear..." said Strangeone as he moved closer to Slurk.
"Thad your real father was, and is,....."
Suddenly a loud knock was heard at the door.
"Hey Thad, ole buddy, how about having a little chat with me? I got some of that illegal Grapsberry Juice from the Mercury Comet...." shouted the ships doctor from the outside of the door.
"Not now Ligaments, Im busy." answered Slurk.
Slurk turned back towards Strangeone, but Strangeone had disappeared.
"Ima, come back! You were about to tell me something!" shouted Slurk. "Who is my real father?"
Just then the door opened and Duck Decoy walked in, "Hey Thad, I let myself in, we really need to talk about this Farce thing!"
Slurk turned to Decoy and gave him a mean look.
"Hey what did I do?" asked Decoy.
Slurk didn't answer.
"Hey Thad, cheer up ole buddy." said Decoy as he reached into his shirt pocket, "Hey, I got some pictures of Checklist's sister off the internet, wanna see 'em?"
Chapter Twelve.... The Deception
Star Date: 0010110011001110 Star Place: SS Sinnerprize, located
Rear Quadrant of the Ford Galaxy.
Captain Slurk stares at Doctor Duck DeCoy as the good doctor fills
the glasses with
illegally purchased Gangrene Ale.
The doctor hands Slurk the glass and sits down at the captain's desk.
"What's wrong, Thad?" Decoy finally asks. "You've been moping around,
much, despondent,....... not drinking any beer...... receding hairline..."
"Ligaments!" exclaims Slurk, shaking his head and forcing a smile,
Ligaments, if I told you, you wouldn't believe it."
"Try me Thad, I'm a doctor, for godsake, I have had intensive training
in the fields of
psychology and have even had a correspondence course on Abnormal Animal Behavior.
I once even operated on a monkey's head to cure his abnormal behavior of wanting to eat
coconuts... can you imagine that? A monkey craving coconuts!!... The monkey died two
hours later but I did fully cure that monkey, and I can cure you!"
"But Decoy," said Slurk as he sipped his drink, "Monkeys DO eat coconuts..."
The doctor sit his glass down and with a confused look he said, "They
do? I thought they
only ate bananas?!?"
"No, they eat coconuts too."
Decoy took a long sip of his Ale and then his eyes flared. He looked
at Slurk and said, "Oh
yeah.... what do I know? You are the grand and glorious captain of the Starship Sinnerprize!
Who am I to argue with that? I'm just the lowly ships doctor, for godsake!"
"Chill out man!" Slurk said to DeCoy, "You are not suppose to fight
with me, I am your
Captain! And your friend!"
"Oh, yeah, sorry Thad. I have been under a lot of pressure lately.
please overlook me. You
had a problem you wanted to see me about?"
"You came in here to see me, Ligaments." explained Slurk.
"Oh yeah, ok, errrrr.... give me some more of that ale, I seem to
have a mental lapse
here." replied the doctor as he held out his empty glass.
"Ligaments, I do have something I'd like to discuss with you."
"Ok, Boss, the doctor is in, fire away..." said DeCoy as he sipped
the freshly poured Ale.
He threw his feet on Slurk's desk, leaned back in the chair, and fired up one of Slurk's
Bavarian Crapsonit Cigar.
"Ligaments, you are not going to believe this..."
DeCoy inhaled a long draw, threw his head back and blew smoke rings
up towards the
ceiling. He said, "Thad, you know you can trust me, I am a doctor, for godsake."
"Well, ok, but I don't know how I can even start."
"Just start from the beginning!" said Decoy as he gulped a large drink of ale.
"Well, Duck, its like this, I have been seeing a ghost telling me
that I have the Farce!! Can
you imagine that?"
Duck spit his drink all over the desk. He sit his glass down and
wiped his mouth with his
sleeve. "Its true!" he says silently, "The rumors are all true!"
"What's that Ligaments?" asked Slurk.
"Oh, errr, nothing! errr.. guess it went down the wrong way, hee
hee.... oh well, you been
seeing ghosts, huh?" answered the doctor.
"Well, just one ghost. But he said I possessed an ancient power known
as The Farce. He
also told me that my father wasn't my real father. He was going to tell me the real father's
name, but you interrupted him and he disappeared."
"Oh, ooookayyyyyy....... It appears to me that you are suffering
from a cold." said doctor
"A cold?" asks Slurk.
"Yes, the common cold, and I have the cure for that right here."
said Decoy as he reached
into his back pocket and pulled out a medicine injector.
"Oh come on Duck, I aint got a cold!" said Slurk as the doctor moved
towards him, injector
Decoy pressed the injector against Slurk's arm. Slurk immediately
"Don't argue with me, I AM the doctor, for godsake!"
As Slurk laid on the bed, sound asleep, Decoy drank the rest of the
Ale and walked out of
the ready room and onto the bridge.
He walked swiftly over to the Netscape Navigator's Panel to the ships
"Well, what did you decide?" whispered Checklist to Decoy.
"You were right. The man has lost his mind." replied Decoy, in a
whisper. "I gave him 500
cc's of somailian sleeper.... that will keep him knocked out for 12 hours."
"Good, then we can proceed with the mutiny. Everyone is on our side."
"Good. But if everyone's in on this, why are we whispering?" asks Decoy.
"Because, no one has approached the android about it." said Checklist
as he pointed to
Loopi 9, standing at the science center. "Loopi 9 and engineer Slot are the only man or
machine on this ship that don't know about our plan."
Loopi 9 stood still as oil poured down his leg and onto the floor.
A trace of blue smoke
began to seep from his ears.
"He don't look too good." said Decoy.
"No one has talked to Loopi 9 about it, because we know his loyalty
module will prevent
him from participating in an illegal mutiny." explained Checklist.
"He really does not look good," repeated Decoy, "And I should know,
I'm the doctor, for
"I hate androids." muttered Checklist as he gritted his teeth.
Chapter 13.... The Trick
Stardate: 10.3456 Starplace: Star Feet Star Ship Sinnerprize.
The Sinnerprize is en route to the black hole. Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk is asleep in his ready room, the aftermath of the drug that Dr. Duck DeCoy injected him with.
The crew of the Sinnerprize is nervous and anticipating taking over the ship. Dr DeCoy has assumed the position of the ship's Captain. He is sitting in the captains chair, eyeing the ship's first suckup, Loopi 9. He knows that the only real threat to this take over will be the android's loyalty to his captain. He knows that Loopi 9 has the ability to fend off any hostile act, what with the android's optional anti-mutiny package.
"Checklist!" he shouts to the ship's navigator, "Report to me at once!"
"Yes?" whispers Checklist as he stands next to the doctor.
"All that stands between us and glory is that dang blasted teflon coated piece of junk." says DeCoy as he points to Loopi 9.
"Have you forgotten about Slot?" asks Checklist.
"Oh yes, that stupid fat butt cant even tie his own shoes, I fail to see where he could possible be a threat to our plan!"
"But he is still very close to Captain Slurk. You know Slurk paid Slot's way out of engineering school. Why if it wasn't for Slurk, Slot would still be in remedial engineering." explained Checklist.
"There must be someway to get rid of both our problems." sighed DeCoy
as he turned his gaze to Loopi 9.
Loopi 9 was standing erect, his teflon skin had took on a pale green color, his ears were smoking and oil dripped from his undercarriage. His eyes were blank and little pacmen were running back and forth across them.
"He don't look so good." said Decoy.
"Really," agreed Checklist, "Do you think its time for his 100,000 mile checkup?"
"That's it!!!" shouted Decoy.
"What?" asked Checklist.
"The way to get rid of both our problems! Checklist! Plot a course for the nearest life supporting planet." said DeCoy.
Checklist ran to his navigators panel and punched some keys. In a moment the info he needed flashed onto his screen. "Doctor!" he shouted, "The Blue Moon of River System is dead ahead, it can support life."
"Good, take us out of warp speed and prepare to orbit the planet."
ordered the Doctor.
"Transporter Room!" he shouted over the intercom, "Prepare to transport Loopi 9 and Engineer Slot to the Blue Moon on my command!"
He then clicked another button on the intercom and said, "Bridge to Engineering, Slot!"
"Slot here!" replied the ship's engineer, Quart R. Slot.
"Yeah, Slot, we are having a problem up here with Loopi 9, can you come on up and check him out?" asked DeCoy.
"Well, Ah am on mah break, Decoy." answered Slot, as he munched on a moon pie.
"But Slot, Loopi 9 is in real bad shape, we think he may need his 100,000 mile check up."
Slot's eyes widened and he said, "100,000 thousand mile checkup?
Well why diden you say so? Ah will be right up thare!" Slot had never performed
a 100,000 mile checkup on an android before and the idea of this new opportunity
excited him. Slot grabbed his toolbag and headed for the door.
"Oops.." he said, "Better take the owners manual for Loopi 9!" he shuffled through a bunch of books until he found tha manual that came packed with Loopi 9 when he was bought at Walmart. He made his way to the door again.
"Oops!!" he shouted again as he stopped, "Better grab a few moon pies, gotta keep up mah strength." He grabbed a handful of moonpies from a box and ran out the door, down the hall to the elevator leading to the bridge.
As he rode the elevator Slot glanced at the android's manual while
he munched on a moon pie.
"Hey," he said, "It says here that tha android needs to be brought in to tha shop for this checkup!"
As the elevator door opened onto the bridge, Slot walked out and said, "Hey, what the heck is a going on in here anyway?"
DeCoy looked nervous, he felt as if his plan had just failed, "What... What do you mean?" he stammered.
"It says right here in this here book that tha android is ta be brought into tha shop for this procedure! Why didin ya bring him on down?"
Just then Loopi 9 began to shake violently, as smoke pored from his ears and sparks flew from his eyes.
"Good Lord!" shouted Slot as he ran to Loopi 9 and grabbed his wrist.. "Whats a matter with this android? He doan even have a pulse!"
DeCoy knew this was his chance, he yelled into the communicator, "Transporter room! Energize!"
In a brilliant flash of light, Slot and Loopi 9 disappeared.
"Doctor DeCoy," said ensign Solo, "Scanners show that Slot and Loopi 9 are now on the Blue Moon's surface."
"Good," said DeCoy, "Get us back on course to the black hole, maximum warp speed."
Just then the door to the captain's ready room opened and Slurk staggered to the door, holding his head and rubbing his eyes.
"Hey, guys, what's up?" he said groggily.
"Oh no." said DeCoy.
"I thought you said he'd be out for hours!" whispered Checklist.
"The dose I gave him should have knocked out a space whale." whispered DeCoy.
Then DeCoy had another idea. He whispered into his communicator, "Transporter room! Beam Captain Slurk off of the bridge, right now!"
"Where do you want us to beam him to?" asked the Transporter Room.
"I don't care!" shouted DeCoy, "Beam him anywhere......" he looked at the view screen, which showed a vast universe of stars, "Beam him out there!" he said as he pointed to the screen.
Everyone on the bridge stood and stared at Slurk.
"What's everybody looking at?" Slurk said as he scratched his nose, "Have I got a booger hanging?"
Just the our hero disappeared in a flash of light.
A stream of molecules left the Sinnerprize, heading into the vast nothingness of space.
Everyone on the bridge got quite.
"What's wrong?" asked DeCoy.
"You just killed Captain Slurk!" said Yomomma.
"I didn't kill Slurk. I just sentenced him to an eternity of traveling through space as a stream of molecules." said DeCoy.
"Ok, lets get on with our plan. Checklist! Maximum Warp to the black hole!" ordered DeCoy.
On the surface of the Blue Moon, two balls of light began to take the form of two bodies.
The light disappeared and Slot and Loopi 9 appeared.
"Where are we?" asked Slot as Loopi 9 began to sway.
Then Slot looked up into the black sky and saw the Sinnerprize, which was in orbit high above.
"Hey Sinnerprize!" shouted Slot as he waived his arms, "Somebody made a mistake. We are on this here planet."
Just then Loopi 9 fell flat on his back. His eyes faded to black. Black oil began to dribble from his mouth.
"Loopi 9!" shouted Slot as he ran to the android and cradled his head in his arms, "Speak to me boy!" But Loopi 9 did not respond.
Slot looked up at the Sinnerprize and watched as the ship fired up its engines and disappeared in a flash of light.
"Looks like we got left behind, Loopi old boy!" said Slot as he reached into his pocket.
"At least ah aint a gonna starve to death." he said as he pulled out a moonpie. Slot dropped Loopi 9's head so he could open the moonpie. The android's hit hit with a hard thump and a white liquid began to pour from his left ear.
Slot sat back on his tool bag and munched on his moonpie. "Don't worry," he said, "Slurk will be back to get us."
Chapter 14... Slurk's stinky situation
Stardate: 1910 Starplace: Evil Robotussin War Dog, Slyvia's Mother
In the bottom septic section of the gigantic War Dog two androids are doing the mundane chore of cleaning the septic drain tubing. The androids are disgruntled. It is the third time this week they have had to clean the tubes.
"This sucks!" said one of the androids, a version 3.1. This android was built by Antel Corporation to be used as a digger. His short stocky body with a chrome nickel frame and retractable rear modulation unit was an ideal match to balance his shovel like hands, he was made to dig.
"Yeah, I know." agreed the other android, a taller, model 354 magnum.
This android was manufactured by Commodore Androids, INC. He was designed
to be a spotter for the digger android. his height made it easy for him
to zero in on a possible cave in, that could trap the digger.
He was also capable of running the customer relations department, being able to speak 1 million languages, including OS/2. He also graduated top of his class at ATT (Android Technical Institute).
These androids were made in the good ole Ford Galaxy, but were captured by the Robotussins, so therefore they were destined to spend eternity cleaning out the septic system. But their memories had been erased and re-programmed to make them think they were born and raised as Robotussin androids.
"Why do we always get this job?" said the Version 3.1, as his shovel slung septic solution all over himself.
"Now now, UR2, a positive attitude will make you a better android." answered the taller android, as he patted the digger's head.
"That's easy for you to say, CICU, all you do is watch for falling rocks." remarked UR2, the digger android as he rotated quickly, slinging septic solution all over the spotter, CICU.
"Argh!" shouted CICU as he brushed the gunk off his front panel, "Be careful UR, you know I just got my tinfoil polished!!!"
"Oh, yeah, sorry about that, HUH HUH HUH." laughed UR2 as he went back to digging the gunk out of the pipe.
"We should be just about through the clog..." said CICU as he bent lower to get a better look at the work.
Suddenly the room got brighter. CICU stood up and swung around. The light started to take form.
"Oh my!" shouted the android, "I do believe someone is beaming aboard our ship."
The other android stopped his digging and turned to look.
The form took the shape of a human, then the light faded. Captain Slurk found himself looking at two androids, cleaning out septic solution. He looked around the dark damp room, he was still very shaky from the drug that was used on him.
"Where am I?" he finally said.
The androids thought Slurk was an alien life form, they didn't know he was a Ford Galaxy Hero.
"Welcome," said CICU, "To the Robotussin wardog, Slyvia's Mother!"
"What???" murmured Slurk as the drug began to kick in again. He felt himself go faint as he slumped to the floor, out like a 50 watt light bulb.
"Oh my goodness!" shouted CICU as he ran to Slurk and kneeled down to him..
UR2 came rolling up behind CICU, his treads making a soft whining
"Is he dead?"
"Well, I don't know, I am not equipped to measure vital signs of strange aliens, I did not come with the optional tricorder attachment." answered CICU.
"Well maybe we should report this to the septic boss." said UR2.
"Are you crazy? " shouted CICU, "They will melt both of us down for killing a newly discovered life form, why they would definitely think that we messed up."
"Well, what do you suggest we do with him?" asked UR2.
"I have an idea... what would have happened if he materialized 20 feet over there?" asked CICU as he pointed the other side of the catwalk they were standing on.
"Why he would sink in the septic solution below!" answered UR2 as he looked down through the grating. Below them was the bottom of the septic system. This is where all the septic solutions gather and collect until the tank is full, then it is all dumped into space. The tank was due a dumping now, and the solution below was churning and bubbling. Smoke rose from it's surface.
"Right!" said CICU, "and as soon as we get his tube unclogged, the tank will be dumped, no alien body, nothing to get us in trouble."
"Im way ahead of you!" shouted UR2 as he began to scoop Slurk up
into his shovel.
"Hey give me a hand here!"
The digger android carried Slurk to the edge of the platform and
threw him over board.
Slurk's unconscious body fell into the sludge with a resounding THUMP. He slowly sank into the septic solutions. As his body disappeared, a gas bubble came to the surface, spewing an obnoxious scent.
The androids went back to work on the clog. As UR2 stuck his shovel
into the clog, it came loose. Both androids were drenched with backed up
septic solution that sprayed from the open access door. The androids quickly
shut the door.
The androids stood against the door for a moment. Sludge was running down over them.
"UR2!" shouted CICU, "look what you have done to me! And I just got a new wax job!"
"Uhhhh, sorry bout that, HUH HUH HUH HUH" laughed the android as he made his way to the exit door. "Don't worry, it washes off. Lets get out of here and tell them it's ok to dump the septic system now."
"Well ok," said the CICU android, "Aww, my new ammeters are covered in gook."
The androids left the septic system and slammed the door behind them.
Chapter 15.... Enter the Yugo!
Starplace: The Septic System of the evil Robotussin War Dog, Slyvia's Mother....
Our hero, Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, is suddenly
awakened by the wetness that has engulfed him... He finds that he cannot
breathe, but since his fine training has taught him to overcome 9.45 out
of 10 bad situations, he begins to swim and stroke his arms to instinctively
propel himself to the surface.
Slurk gasps for air as he looks around.
"Where am I?" he thought. He appeared to be inside a giant tank, the walls were chrome and had strange writings on the them, such as "Kilroy was here" and "Cod Sucks".
Then he remembered someone telling him that he was on board a Robotussin space ship.
A look of terror crossed his heroish face as he swam fast to a platform that was even with the level of sludge.
He struggled to pull himself out of the muck and onto the platform. He lay on the platform in front of a door that no doubt was the way out of this tank.
Then a loud computerized voice announced over a loud speaker, "Attention! The septic tank will auto dump in 10.6 seconds... All personnel and sewer rats should evacuate the tank immediately. Failure to do so could result in a horrible death by suction in the void of space."
"Good Lord!" shouted Slurk as he jumped to his feet and began tugging on the door. It was locked from the other side.
Then the computer voice said, "5.8 seconds till we take a dump. There is a blue light special on aisle 9, get two gallons of septic solution for the price of one. This offer will expire when the tank dumps, so you'd better hurry!"
Slurk began beating on the door and shouting, "Let me out!! Let me out!! I'm too young to die!"
But his cries of mercy could not penetrate the thick quarter inch plywood walls.
"3.9 seconds till dump sequence!" shouted the computer.
"Im dead!" cried Slurk as he hung his head.
"Thad..." whispered a familiar voice...."Thad, use the Farce!"
"The Farce?" sniffled Slurk.
"Yes Thad! Use the Farce to open the door!" replied the whisper.
"Yeah, the Farce!" cried Slurk as he closed his eyes tight, straining his face as he pointed to the door. He was thinking harder than he ever had before. Even harder than when he took his test for the Academy of Starfeet Students. (A.S.S.)
Just then the door budged.
"It budged!" shouted Slurk, then he immediately went back to concentrating.
"1.5 seconds till the big flush!" shouted the computer.
The door started to creak.
".5 seconds till we flush it!" said the computer.
Then the door began to slowly swing open.
"Time to flush!" shouted the computer as a giant swirling noise was made. Slurk looked back to notice that the septic solution was spinning wildly and a funnel was forming in the center. He knew that soon the room would be opened to space and he would be sucked out.
With a loud gurgle the solution disappeared and Slurk could see stars against a black background. He felt air rushing around him and he saw the door that he had opened was beginning to shut.
He jumped through the door as it slammed shut. He heard the "whoosh" of all the air being sucked out on the other side of the door.
"Whew!" he said, "that was close."
But where was he? He looked around and found that he was inside a gigantic mall. A Robotussin mall, built inside the War Dog, so the Robotussins would have a place to spend their Robotussin dollars.
He walked through the mall, turning heads as people marveled at the sight that he was. Covered from head to toe with septic solution, he looked like a hobo who had spent the night at the swamp star. Robotussins turned up there noses at the horrible stench that came from him.
Then Slurk walked past a store that caught his eye. It was lit up with a neon sign that said "House of The Farce".
"The Farce?" muttered Slurk as he walked inside the store.
The store had no customers in it, just a lone android standing at the counter, his power pack plugged into an outlet.
Slurk looked at the Farce memorabilia lining the walls. There was a full suit much like the one worn by Sir Gretchen. There was also a more modest suit, a black hooded one, with a sign on it that read "Suit captured from the Ford Galaxy. Only worn on Sundays by a little ole Yugo Knight. $9999.29.. A REAL BARGAIN!!!"
Then Slurk made his way to the counter, where he saw a strange but familiar looking device under the glass. It was shaped like a flashlight. A sign on it said "Ginsu Light Saber, the preferred weapon of Sir Gretchen himself, $3.23"
As Slurk bent over the glass, a chunk of dried stuff fell off his forehead and hit the glass with a sharp "ping".
The android immediately came to life, his lights flashing and his primestar antenna rotating. "My goodness!" he shouted, "I didn't realize I had a customer, I'm so sorry, I was charging my nicads, well, you know how quick they run down!"
"That's ok," said Slurk. "What is this place?"
"Why, this is The House of The Farce!" shouted the android proudly, "We cater to all needs of the Farce...."
"You don't seem to have too many customers." said Slurk.
"Well, actually, the only one who shops here is Sir Gretchen, no one else believes that crap about the Farce." whispered the android.
"I see," said Slurk as he began to look at the ginsu light saber again. "What's that thing?"
"Why, that is a genuine Farce Ginsu Light Saber!" said the android as he reached behind the counter and pulled out the light saber.
"This weapon emits a five foot beam of light that will cut through anything," explained the android as he handed the saber to Slurk, "It slices, it dices, it even makes julian fries.."
Slurk looked at the saber, it looked familiar, as if he had seen something similar to this before, perhaps in another life, or a wild night at Zork's Bar & Grill. He presses a red button on the side. It just clicks.
"Oh," said the android as he reached behind the counter and pulled out a box of D cell batteries, "It wont work unless you put 4 of these babies in it, but you can't load it here, Robotussin rules and all."
The android turned around to the shelf, searching for a paper, "Now there is a 3 year waiting period on the ginsu, you just have to fill out this form."
Slurk picked up a battery and inserted it into the ginsu, then another.
The android turned just in time to see Slurk insert the last battery and close the lid on it.
"Hey, you cant load that thing in here!" shouted the android.
"Wrong!" said Slurk with a grin as he clicked the red button.
A bright red beam of light protruded from the end of the ginsu and extended into the android's glass head. Fire and sparks spewed from the head of the android. Slurk pulled up on the ginsu, slicing through the android's head.
"Warning! Warning!" shouted the android as he began to spin rapidly, smoke pouring from his head and his arms swinging free....
The android stopped spinning. He slumped down and his lights began to go out. With smoke pouring from his red eyes, he moaned, "Where's a Robo Cop when you really need one?"
Then he grew silent and his red eyes went dark. He was dead.
Slurk clicked the ginsu's button again, the beam disappeared.
Slurk looked around the room, then he sniffed. Something smelled terrible. He smelled his under arms and realized it was him. He had to change clothes. That would be his first mission. Then he would destroy this evil Robotussin War Dog and everything in it.. Although he did kind of like this mall, oh well, it happens, he thought.
Then he saw the Yugo Knight suit hanging on the rack... "Hmmm," he thought, "Looks like just my size."
Chapter 16... The Blue Moon
Stardate: 19456.7 (central daylight savings time) 19457.7 (everywhere else)
Starplace: C Section of Quadrant 6, Subpanel 4, in the Ford Galaxy, The Blue Moon, fourth satellite of the River System..
Loopi 9 and Engineer Slot were abandoned on the
Blue Moon, left for dead by the crew of the Sinnerprize.
Loopi 9, the model T android with the new technology of Teflon, was in very bad shape.
His eyes were dark and an oily substance seeped from his ears. He was laid on his back on the ground. His backup alarm showed that he had encountered a fatal error, then displayed a lot of numbers and letters that Slot could not understand. Slot scratched his hand and bit his fingernails.
"What can I do?" Slot moans aloud, "I aint nuttin but a injerneer. Thar's not a thing ah can do for you, little Loopey..."
Then Loopi's control panel began to flash red and sparks flew from his chest.
"Good Lord all mighty!!" shouted Slot, "He's dying!!!"
Then Loopi's chest quit smoking and his hydraulic pump shut down. With the loss of hydraulics the android's body lowered slowly to the ground.
Loopi 9's flash bios quit flashing.
"No, it just caint be!!" cried Slot as he sit down on a rock. With a tear in his eye, Slot looks up to the star filled sky.
"He was the best android that was ever built by JC Penny." sobbed Slot, "He was kind to small people and even bought me moonpies when I was between paychecks."
Slot opened his toolpouch and pulled a moonpie out. He pulled the cellophane wrapper off the moonpie as he continued to speak about his lost friend.
"Loopi was always good to me. I can remember him taking me fishing when I was just a little lad way back there on planet Scottlund."
Slot paused for a moment, scratched his head, then said, "No.... comes to think of it, That was my dear old Dad.... Oh well, Im sure Loopi did some good things to me..."
Slot crammed the moonpie into his mouth and enjoyed its sweet taste.
He licked his lips and found that he wanted another moonpie. Slot picked up his toolpouch and began to rummage through it. The toolpouch was a standard StarFeet emergency tool bag. It contained a swiss knife, a leatherman tool, a bazooka joe decoder ring, and a special pouch which contained enough protein and evaporated beer pills to last 3 weeks in an emergency situation. Slot had long ago removed the pills, for he found that with the extra space in the pouch, he could carry 4 moonpies.
As Slot grabbed the moonpie, a flash of light caught his eye.
As he pulled the wrapper off the moonpie, he stood to see a light blinking under Loopi 9's shirt.
"He's alive!!" shouted Slot as he stuffed the moonpie into his mouth.
Slot grabbed the toolpouch and ran to the android. Slot knelt down beside Loopi and ripped his shirt open. Slot was shocked to see the light shinning through a space in the door of Loopi's chestal plate.
"Good Lord!" shouted Slot, "Somebody has tampered with Loopi's 'Do not remove under penalty of law' seal."
Slot thought long and hard about what he was about to do. He knew that he had to see what the light behind the plate was. But yet his teachings forbade him to ever break the seal of an android and look inside the chestal panel. This was only for qualified and authorized Maytag repairmen. Anyone else faced a sentence of slow and painful death.
Slot came to his painful decision.
"Sorry ole pal," he said as he walked back to the rock, toolpouch in hand.
Slot sit on the rock, and reached into the toolpouch for another moonpie.
But when he pulled out his hand, he saw that he had grabbed a book instead of a moonpie. He held it up to the starlight and saw that it was the manual for Loopi 9.
He ate a moonpie while reading through the manual. He ate another moonpie.
When he reached into the pouch for yet another moonpie, he saw that there was no more. He began to panic as the fear of starvation crept into his mind.
He looked down at the manual and noticed that he was on a page that said:
Loopi 9 Options. Page
586 Overdrive Chipset............................... 19872
Hydraulic Pressure relief............................ 23421
Safety De-ionizer......................................... 521773
Ice Crusher.................................................. 456
Battery Backup............................................ 3786
Long Range Deep Space Communicator..... 87650
"Hmmm," thought Slot, "if I could get Loopi started,
I could use that long range deep space communicator to get ahold of the
Sinnerprize and tell em that they forgot me back here."
Slot turned to page 87650 and began reading. He absentmindedly reached into the pouch for another moonpie, but soon found that there were no more.
"That settles it!" he shouted, "Im going into Loopi!!!"
He grabbed a screwdriver from the pouch and ran to Loopi. Slot preyed on the panel door, but couldn't open it. He grabbed a rock and pounded the screwdriver into the seam of the door.
With a loud crack, the door flew off its hinges and onto the ground. Slot had not noticed that he forced the door open from the wrong end.
Slot stood looking into the inside of an android. He was astonished. It was the first time that he, or any engineer he'd ever heard of, had seen such a secret site.
Then he noticed what he had seen flashing. Among a maze of wires and tubes he saw a display. Tiny as it was, Slot noticed that the display was showing a message.
"ACTIVATE PC SPKR" scrolled across the tiny screen.
"PC speaker?" asked Slot. "How on earth do I do that?'
"SEE MANUAL" scrolled on the screen.
Slot ran and grabbed the manual. He sit down on the rock and began to desperately search for the section that tells how to activate the on board PC speaker.
"PAGE 4537" flashed repeatedly on the display screen, but Slot didn't notice it.
After 4 hours Slot found it.
"Ahhh!!!" he shouted as he walked back to Loopi.
Slot pulled some wires out of his way and found a switch marked "PC SPKR ON"
As he was about to throw the switch, Slot noticed a black box among the wires. A sinister chill ran up Slot's back.
Slot flipped the PC SPKR switch to he "ON" position.
Chapter 17... Slot, the engineer
Stardate: 3 Starplace: Blue Moon of the River System
Engineer Quart R. Slot switched the PC speaker
on inside the tangled wiring of the android, Loopi 9.
There was a few pops and scratches as the sound activated. Then, after several beeps, the small speaker began to talk.
In a raspy, choppy voice, Loopi 9 says, "Engineer Slot, it would appear that we have a severe problem here."
"You are a tellin' me, Loopi, the Sinnerprize has left us here on this here planet." replied the trustworthy engineer.
"No, I'm talking about a more serious problem." replied Loopi 9 through the tiny speaker, "See that black box nestled among my bus work?"
"Uh Huh." replied Slot.
"Well, that is an alien device. It is wired into my neural internet, and it will over ride all my systems." explained Loopi 9.
"You don't say?" exclaimed Slot, "What in tha name of the Supreme Three are we gonna do about it?"
"You must disconnect it and remove it from my system." said Loopi 9.
"What?" shouted Slot, "I don't think I can do that Loopi!!!"
"Yes you can, Mr. Slot," replied Loopi 9, "And I shall help you."
"Well, OK Loopi, but don't blame me if I caint do it."
"You can do it, Mr. Slot, just follow my instructions, and Mr. Slot?"
"Yes?" answered Slot.
"Whatever you do, don't pee on any of my spark plugs!"
"You don't have to worry about that!" answered Slot, "I want never be a doin that again, let me tell you!"
Slot worked furiously, with Loopi 9 directing him. He had to remove the multiplexer board and the secondary storage drive to get to the black box.
Then, with Loopi 9 telling him what to do, Slot disengaged the pneumatic clutch and removed the 3D video card. Then he carefully pushed the VX bus to the outside to gain access. Then he painstakingly degaussed the abstract nuclear incinerator.
A bead of sweat formed on Slot's forehead as over rode the auxiliary output of the chromium P-235 generator.
At last Slot could now fully see the sinister black box that had overtaken an otherwise trustworthy and clean cut android.
The box had two blinking miniature lamps.
"Those blinking lamps," said Loopi 9, "Are status indicators. They indicate the condition of the box."
"Huh??" asked Slot.
"You must watch the sequence of the blinks." replied Loopi 9. "If the right lamp blinks at 1 hertz, which I shall now refer to as R=1, and the left lamp blinks at 2 hertz, which shall from this point on be referred to as L=2, then it is safe to disconnect the box. But if R=2 and L=6, then you it will indicate that a bad power supply is a problem, and it would be safe to remove the box from my system."
"Err, Ok." said Slot as he scratched his head, wishing he had a moon pie.
Loopi 9 continued, "If R=5 and L=9, then you must shield yourself for total destruction."
"Err. Ok." said Slot.
"Im glad that you understand the complexity of this situation, Mr. Slot. You must now time the proper sequence of the lamps, and when R=123 and L=24, it will be safe to cut the blue wire with the purple stripe. But, Mr. Slot..... WARNING! WARNING!.... do not cut any of the wires but the one I have specified."
"Err, Ok." said Slot as he gazed at the flashing lamps.
He stared at the lamps and thought to himself... "Blue light with a purple flash?"
Soon Loopi 9 drew impatient, waiting for Slot to decide which wire to cut.
"Mr. Slot!" said Loopi 9, "It has been 3 hours. If you wish to contact the Sinnerprize with my internal 14.4 fax, you must do so now, before they are out of range."
"Ok!" shouted Slot, "Here goes."
Slot closed his eyes tight and squeezed on the handles of the wire cutter.
He jerked as he heard the sharp 'click' of the cutters cutting the wire.
He slowly opened his eyes to see that the box did not explode. Loopi 9 and himself, were still here.
"You cut the correct wire." said Loopi 9, "Now you must remove the black box by loosening the four mounting screws."
"Loopi?" asked Slot, "Before we go on, can I ask you a question?"
"Yes, of course." replied Loopi 9.
"What's a hurtz?"
Loopi 9's PC speaker went silent for a few moments, then he said "That information is irrelevant at this time. I suggest our next objective should be to remove this foreign object and return me to my normal self."
"Err Ok." said Slot.
Loopi 9 became silent again. Silent, that is, except for the thumping sound of his ultra IDE hard drive.
"Take a screwdriver and loosen the four screws on the black box." explained Loopi 9. His tone had changed to a simpler form, due to his hard drive finding his protocol program, "Fix it yourself.pud"
"Now remember." explained Loopi 9, as Slot pulled a screwdriver from his back pocket. "When you loosen the screws, remember this simple reminder...'Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty...'"
"Err, Ok." said Slot as he placed the tip of the screwdriver on a mounting screw. "Now, what was that saying? Lefty Tighty Righty?"
Chapter 18… Duck's Master
Stardate: 1888.1888 Starplace: Evil Robotussin War Dog, "Slyvia’s Mother"
"This is Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, on board the enemy’s ship. I
am making this log entry through my wrist pagoo, I picked up this handy
little device in a store here in the ship’s mall. The store had all sorts
of neat little things. I think it is called "Sphincter’s" or something
Anyway, it is supposed to transmit my voice message to the Sinnerprize within 30 seconds. If you don't get this log entry, let me know.
I also found a store that specializes in stuff about the Farce. I'm not sure, but I think it had some things that I can use. The android was nice enough to give me a "ginsu light saber", a device with unusual properties, but one that I feel comfortable using. The android also gave me a robe that was once worn by a Yugo knight. It fits like me like a glove, but the starch in the hood does scratch my ear lobes a little.
The android was even nice enough to give me all the Robotussin money in his cash register. I don't know why the android was so nice to me, except maybe it was this power of the Farce that Ima Strangeone said I possess.
I used the money the android gave me to buy this pagoo device, and I also bought a cup of ice dots, for 2 thousand Robotussin shucks, which is a good deal on any evil world.
Let it be known that I have no idea why the android was so generous to me, Lord knows I did not in any way threaten or harm him, because I know it would violate the number one Star Feet prime objective "thou shalt not harm android."
Anyway, I seem to be in a corridor leading from the mall to the center of the massive ship. If I can find the ships force field generator, maybe I can disarm it, making the ship highly vulnerable to an attack by the Sinnerprize.
Wait a minute! I just got a Farce vision that Sir Gretchen is on board this ship. I will sign off for now and find the evil son of a Robotussin.. I will cut him with my ginsu and make him say "uncle". I will be sending future updates, after I kick some Gretchen ass.
Thaddeus T. Slurk, Captain, Star Feet Starship Sinnerprize, on special assignment behind the neutered zone, over and out."
***END OF PAGOO MESSAGE**
Captain Slurk turned off his wrist pagoo and walked away from the poster of Sir Gretchen that was hanging on the wall. He patted the ginsu light saber hanging from his belt clip.
MEANWHILE BACK ON THE SINNERPRIZE…………..
Doctor Duck DeCoy is nervously sitting in the captains chair. He
is expecting to see the Black Hole on the view finder at any moment.
"Doctor!, errrr, I mean Captain!" yells Yomomma, "There is an incoming message for you from Sir Gretchen, he is calling 1-800 COLLECT."
"Ok, thank you Lieutenant, I will take the call in Thad’s, err, I mean, MY ready room."
The doctor left the bridge and walked into the Captain's Ready Room.
Decoy sit at the desk and poured himself a glass of Kentucky moonshine.
Suddenly a virtual 3-D image of Sir Gretchen appeared on the desk before him.
"Greetings, Doctor DeCoy, or shall I say Captain DeCoy?" said the image.
"Hello." Replied DeCoy.
"Are you forgetting something?" asked Gretchen.
"What?" asked DeCoy as he killed his glass of liquor.
"The ceremonial picking of the nose. This shows respect for higher life forms." Exclaimed Gretchen.
"Well, I don't know about that, you see, its bad manners in my culture." Said DeCoy.
"You will show me respect, if you expect to share in the riches that I am about to receive as the king of the universe!" shouted Gretchen.
DeCoy paused for a minute. "Well, I guess it's ok, I do have a bugger here that has been bothering me…"
"Shut up!" shouted Gretchen, "I do not care about your buggers! Show me the respect I deserve! Pick your nose!"
"Well……." Said DeCoy as he hesitated.
"Pick it boy!" shouted Gretchen.
"Ok, ok," shouted DeCoy as he rammed his finger into his nose.
"That's better," said Gretchen with a smile, "Now, tell me, Captain DeCoy, are things going as planned?"
"Yes Sir. The Sinnerprize will be delivered to you in three sextons, just as you commanded." Explained DeCoy.
"Good, very good." Gretchen smiled as he rubbed the chin of his helmet, "And the android Loopi 9, he is ok ,yes?"
"Loopi 9?" asked DeCoy, "Why do you worry about him? He's just a lowly android."
"I need him to be in good working order, tell me he is in good working order!"
DeCoy could sense that Gretchen was getting upset, and he wondered why the evil one was so concerned about Loopi 9.
"Yes, my lord, the android is in good working order, I have him working in the kitchen, scraping pots and pans."
"Good." Said Gretchen, "It is imperative that Loopi 9 be present on the Sinnerprize when you turn it over to me."
"Ok, no problem, but can I ask why?"
"Well," stammered Gretchen, "I hear he has a mean recipe in his data banks for Mississippi Mud Pie, and that is why I need him so, yeah, that's the ticket."
"But cant you get the recipe somewhere else?" asks Duck DeCoy.
"Yours is not to question why, but to do or die. And if you do not do, then I assure you, YOU WILL DIE!" Gretchen pounded his virtual fist on the desk.
"Ok, ok, chill out!" said DeCoy as he poured himself some more moonshine.
"And tell me, Doctor, you did get rid of Slurk?"
"Of course I did." Said DeCoy, "His molecules are on their way to Alpha Centuri.
"Good." Said Gretchen as a beeping noise came in the background.
"Listen," said Gretchen, "I got another beep, so I gotta go, see you soon, and don't forget to bring the android."
"Oh don't worry about a thing your highness." Said DeCoy as the image of Gretchen disappeared.
DeCoy sat and pondered his situation. Gretchen wanted the Loopi 9, why, he didn't know.
But one thing was clear. DeCoy was in too deep to turn back now. He pressed the button on his desk communicator.
"Yes?" answered the voice of Ensign Checklist, the ship's Netscape Navigator.
"Reverse course. Full warp speed. Lay in a course for the River Moon. We are going to pick up Loopi 9." Ordered DeCoy as he poured another drink.
MEANWHILE BACK ON THE SLYVIA’S MOTHER…..
As Sir Gretchen turned off his Real Video Player, he answered the
beep on his other line. "Yes?"
"Sir Gretchen!" it was the voice of the ship's communicator, I. B. Ahorseass, "We just received word that the flagship carrying Count Meout is entering our sector."
"Good!" said Gretchen. "The Count wants to witness my destruction of the Ford Galaxy."
Suddenly a cold chill ran up his back. Gretchen had felt this feeling years before. When he was a mighty Yugo knight. A feeling that he had long forgotten.
‘Can it be?’ Gretchen thought. ‘Can Slurk be on this ship?’
Gretchen pulled a ginsu saber from his desk drawer and clipped it to his belt.
He got up and walked to the door…
Star Date: 233mhz Star Place: The Blue Moon of the River System
"There, I think I got it!!" Engineer Quart R. Slot shouted as he pulled the black box from the chest of the android, Loopi 9.
The lights on the box were still blinking, the wires that Slot had cut earlier were dangling beneath it as Slot held the box high, studying it with his experienced engineer's eye.
"What is this thing, Loopi?" asked Slot as he turned it over. "Is this a android baby? I always wondered how androids reproduced."
"It is an alien device, intended to override my ancillary auto pneumatic functions." Loopi 9 said through his on board PC speaker.
Slot looked underneath the device at the wire hanging down. He smiled and said, "Well it's a little baby boy android, and it is so cute, with its a blinkin lil eyes!"
"It is not a baby android. Androids do not reproduce. Androids are manufactured at Seers & Rollback, you poor excuse for a homophoid." Shouted Loopi 9.
"Thanks for da compleemints, Loopi, but if it aint a baby android, what is it then?"
"It is a highly unstable thermo nuclear explosive device, whose circuitry is so alien that even my diskscan program cannot determine when the device will activate." explained Loopi 9.
Slot scratched his head and said, "Oh I see, it aint a android? But what is it?"
"Its a bomb you moron, and it could explode at any moment." shouted Loopi 9, as his PC speaker began to rattle.
"A bomb?" shouted Slot, "In the name of The Supreme Three, what in the world are we going to do with it?"
"I suggest you throw it." said Loopi 9.
Slot threw the bomb as far as he could. It clanked on the ground as it bounced and rolled on the rocky ground, finally coming to a stop against a rock.
"Whew!" sighed Slot. "That was close..... Now what do we do?"
"I think you should unroll my auxiliary velcro keypad and type out the fax you wish to send to the Sinnerprize." said Loopi 9.
"Oh yeah, ok." said Slot as he pulled the keypad from the magnetic box inside the android. He placed it on a rock and began typing:
HELP. HELP. HELP. ME AND LOOPI ARE ON THIS HERE PLANUT
WE NEED YOU TO COME BACK AND GET US.
AS SOON AS YOU CAN
AND BRING MOON PIES.
*KISS* *HUGS* *LOL* *LMAO* *KMFA* *ESAD*
:) :-) :O) :P /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ########&&&&&
"Ok, Ok," said Loopi 9, "I think that will be good enough. Now press the SEND button and the fax will be on the way to the Sinnerprize in lightning speed."
Slot pressed the button and the fax machine sent the message.
"I guess now all we gots to do is wait." said Slot as he sat down on a rock.
"No Mister Slot, you need to get me back on line." said Loopi 9.
"How do I do that?" asked Slot.
"Well, I think if you reboot me it will put me back on line."
"Reboot you?" asked Slot as he stared down at the engineer's boots he was wearing.
"Yes, now listen carefully because the reboot sequence must be followed in an exact order." explained Loopi 9 as Slot got up off the rock and walked over to him.
Loopi 9 continued explaining the reboot process. "You must carefully turn off the abstract ancillary power source, turn down the bypass modulator, re-route the plasmic power surger, and then you must ever so carefully..."
Slot kicked Loopi 9 hard in his side. Sparks flew from the androids
chest and he began to jerk all over. Then he went silent. His PC speaker
emitted a few beeps and his internal display displayed the message "AMC
BIOS.... VER 1.2..... 386 SX.... 2 MEG RAM.."
It was going through the boot up sequence.
In a few minutes the android was back to himself. He sat up and looked at Slot.
"Very good job, Mister Slot." The android was now speaking through his mouth again. He looked down at his exposed chestal area, and the big dent in his teflon side. "It would appear that I need a trip to the body shop."
*MEANWHILE BACK ON THE EVIL WARDOG, SLYVIA'S MOTHER*
The evil Sir Gretchen could feel the presence of The Farce on his ship. He zoomed in on its location. "Ahhh, the intruder is in the bowels of the ship, no doubt trying to sabotage the force shield generator."
Sir Gretchen jumped aboard the elevator and headed towards the Shield Generator Deck. He groaned as he looked at the lighted panel. "Aww, somebody pushed all the buttons on the elevator! This thing will stop at every floor. Man I hate it when somebody does that, unless it's when I do it!" Gretchen knew it would be a while before he got to the shield generator.
In the meantime, our hero, Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk had found the force shield generator. It was located in the center of a huge room, whose floor was several thousand feet below. Slurk looked over the edge of the catwalk and saw a huge beer vat far below the shield generator. He knew this was the ship's main beer vat.
Slurk walked out on the catwalk to the generator in the center of the room. He looked at he control panel, which had shutdown instructions plainly printed on the panel. The only problem ws that the instructions were in the Robotussin language. Slot couldn't read Robotussin.
After a few minutes of frustration Slurk gave up trying to decipher
the instructions. He pulled his Ginsu Light Saber and carved a big "S"
into the panel. Fire and sparks flew from the panel and a few springs popped
out. The yellow "POWER" light went out.
Slurk turned off his Ginsu and breathed a sigh of relief. His mission was complete. Now he just had to find a way off this ship before the Sinnerprize destroyed it.
Suddenly the elevator bell rung and the door opened. Sir Gretchen stepped out of the elevator and onto the catwalk.
"So, it is you." said Gretchen as he pulled his Light Ginsu. "We meet again after so many years!" A green beam protruded from his ginsu. "Sad for you that this will be the last time we meet."
Then Slurk pulled his ginsu and a red beam protruded from it.
"Ahh, I see Strangeone has taught you well. Too bad he couldn't be here to see his student perform his final exam. Did he teach you how to make that Ginsu?"
"No!" shouted Slurk as he held the beam out in front of him. "I stole it from your Farce store in the mall."
"That's impossible. My android would have notified the Robo Cops of a shoplifter."
"He didn't have time. I killed your android, Gretchen!" laughed Slurk.
"What?" screamed Gretchen. "No one does that to one of my androids except me. Its the law!!!"
He ran at Slurk swinging the ginsu saber.
Chapter 20.... The End of the Innocence
Stardate: near the end Starplace: Robotussin War Dog, "Slyvia's Mother"
"I will kill you!" shouted Sir Gretchen as he ran towards our hero, Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk.
"You and what army?" shouted Slurk as his light ginsu met with Gretchen's, producing a myriad of colorful sparks.
The two fought each other with a fury unlike any other space story has told of. Gretchen swung his light ginsu around, only to be blocked by Slurk's cat-like reflexes. Then Slurk swung at Gretchen, barely missing the evil-one's helmet, smashing into the handrail of the catwalk. The hand rail swung down.
Then Gretchen got in a lucky shot. His ginsu sliced through Slurk's right hand, cutting it and burning the flesh at the same time. Slurk's hand, still clutching the light ginsu, fell to the catwalk. Slurk fell to his knees in pain.
"Huh huh huh!" laughed Gretchen, "I told you that you are no match for me, puny Nerf man!"
"Now, how would you like to die?" asked Gretchen as he pointed his ginsu saber at Slurk's face.
Slurk looked at his arm. The hand was gone. And since the laser ginsu
had burned the blood vessels, there was hardly any blood at all. But there
was immense pain.
Slurk looked up at his enemy, with a tear in his eye.
Gretchen stared at Slurk's eyes. Gretchen's auto DNA scanner kicked on. He turned off his ginsu light saber.
"Slurk," asked Gretchen, "Did Ima Strangeone ever tell you about your father?"
"He said that my father wasn't really my father." sniffed Slurk.
"The DNA scan results are in. Thad, I am your father!" shouted Gretchen.
"No!" shouted Slurk.
"Yes! I am your daddie..."
"It cant be!" shouted Slurk.
"Your power of the Farce is strong, Thad. Come join me on the dark side of the Farce, and together we can overthrow the Count and take over the universe!" shouted Gretchen.
"Never!" said Slurk.
"Aw come on boy, the dark side aint all that bad. We can pillage and rape, and take what ever we want. Plus you get a free year's subscription to TV Guide, free admission to the local YMCA, and a coupon good for a free sundae at Robo World." explained Gretchen.
"I will never ever never ever in a zillion years join forces with you." said Slurk.
"Then I am forced to use my brain-wash scanner on you." said Gretchen.
A panel in the top of Gretchen's helmet opened and a small radar dish popped up. It began to glow as it pointed directly at Slurk's eyes.
"This scanner will change your whole attitude!" laughed Gretchen.
"No!" shouted Slurk as he rolled over, trying to avoid the evil brain-wash rays. Unfortunately, Slurk was on the edge of the catwalk, where the handrail was missing. He rolled off the edge and fell.
"Drat it!" shouted Gretchen as he looked over the edge and saw our hero plunging thousands of feet below. "What is wrong with today's youth?"
Gretchen's foot hit the severed hand of our hero, still clutching the ginsu saber.
"Here!" shouted Gretchen as he kicked the hand over the edge of the catwalk, "If you are so bent on destroying yourself, let me give you a hand!"
Slurk's life passed before his eyes as he fell. The nights at Zork's bar and grill passed before him in vivid colors. Suddenly Slurk felt an impact and found that he was in a liquid. He tasted the liquid, "Beer." he thought to himself, "Robotussin beer, yuck!"
Slurk had fallen into the ship's main beer vat. He began stroking his arm and legs to the top of the vat.
As Slurk's head popped to the surface he saw lights flashing and horns blowing. Slurk swam to the side of the vat.
A loud computer voice said, "Warning!! The ship's main beer vat has been contaminated, the ship will self destruct in 10 minutes!"
Gretchen, upon hearing the self destruct announcement, said, "Oh no, I gotta get out of here!" as he ran for the elevator to make his way to an escape pod.
Slurk pulled himself up and out of the beer vat. He plopped onto the floor.
The computer announced, "The beer vat is no longer contaminated. Self destruct sequence has been canceled."
Just then Slurk's severed hand, still clutching the ginsu, splashed into the beer vat. It sunk to the bottom of the vat, due to the weight of the ginsu.
"Warning!" shouted the ship's computer, "The beer vat is contaminated again! Self destruct in 10 minutes!"
Slurk pulled himself to his feet. He knew he had to find an escape pod very quickly. But where? He concentrated. Using the Farce to guide him. Holding his pain filled arm, Slurk staggered off into the maze of wires, pipes, and halls of the big ship.
MEANWHILE BACK ON THE SINNERPRIZE:
"Sir!" shouted the communications expert, Lieutenant Yomomma, "We have an incoming fax from Loopi 9 and engineer Slot."
"Are they ok?" asked Doctor Duck Decoy.
"Yes, I think so, Slot wants more moon pies." said Yomomma, listening to the earphone in her ear.
"At least Slot is ok." said Decoy.
"Doctor, err I mean Captain!" shouted the ships navigator, Checklist, "The blue moon is dead ahead."
"Good." said Decoy, "Lets orbit the moon and prepare to beam Loopi 9 aboard."
"What about Slot?" asked Checklist.
"Well lets just beam up Loopi 9, we can say the transporter malfunctioned." said Decoy.
"Good idea." said Checklist.
On the moon's surface, Slot sees the Sinnerprize orbiting the planet.
"See Loopi?" shouted Slot, "Ah told ya that they was a coming back for us!"
Suddenly Loopi 9 began to glow.
"Hey wait a minute!" shouted Slot as he ran and grabbed the chestal plate on the ground. "Ah forgot to install this back on ya!"
Slot ran towards Loopi 9 but tripped. He fell onto the android. Slot
disappeared with Loopi 9 as they were both transported to the Sinnerprize.
Chapter 21.... Elvis saves the day
Stardate: 2525.8 Starplace: The evil Robotussin War Dog, "Slyvia's Mother"
"WARNING!!!!" shouted the computerized voice over the loud speaker system, "9 minutes until total self-destruction!"
Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk ran through the maze of catwalks, holding
his arm, dodging falling pipes and flames spewing from broken tubes.
Captain Slurk knew that he had to find the escape pods. The Robotussin ship was about to explode, due to Slurk's severed hand contaminating the ship's massive Main Beer Vat.
Revolving lights flashed in Slurk's eyes, and steam was everywhere. He stopped for a minute to get his bearings. He was beginning to think that he was lost.
"8 minutes until self-destruct.... Blue light special in the Mall, all Robotussin badminton sets are now half priced!" shouted the computer.
Slurk looked down the hall from where he had just came.. The end of the hall was engulfed in flames and black smoke.
"What am I going to do?" moaned Slurk as he held his bleeding arm
next to him, tears beginning to run down his cheeks. Then Slurk heard a
familiar voice whisper to him;
"Thad, use the Farce!" it was the voice of his old mentor, Ima Strangeone.
Slurk looked up and saw the ghostly figure of Strangeone, standing at the end of a hallway, beckoning for Slurk to follow.
Slurk gathered together his strength and ran towards him. Strangeone disappeared as Slurk got to him. Slurk found himself in a giant room. At the other side of the room, he saw hundreds of Robotussins standing in line for the only two escape pods.
Then Slurk heard screaming and looked at the right line to see Sir Gretchen slicing his way through the line with his ginsu light saber. Slurk backed into the hallway to keep from being seen by Gretchen.
At the front of the line, a small Robotussin man with black horn rimmed glasses was about to step into the escape pod. "Oh Goody!!" laughed the man, "In all my years of bad luck I have finally gotten the break that I deserve!"
Then the black glove of Gretchen grabbed the man by his shirt collar and pulled him back. "I'll be taking this pod, thank you!"
"Hey, you cant do that!! I was here first!!" whined the man.
"Shut up! Or I will cut you from pie hole to high hole!!" Shouted Slurk as he jumped into the pod and closed the door.
"Well excuse me!! I think I will file a grievance against that rude person!" sniffed the man.
Then there was a loud "Swoosh" as the escape pod shot out of the ship and into deep space.
"3 minutes until self destruction!" shouted the loud speaker.
Slurk knew he had to get on the last escape pod, but how? Then he had a brilliant plan.
Captain Slurk walked up to the front of the line, tapped the shoulder of a man who was about to get in the pod.
"Excuse me sir?" said Slurk.
"Yes?" answered the man.
"Do you mind if I cut in line? You see I have this arm that really needs some medical attention and..." said Slurk.
"Are you nuts?" shouted the man, "This place is going to blow up any minute, now go find your own escape pod, and take a bath, you smell like a sot!"
"Shucks!!" murmured Slurk, "Plan A didn't work. Wish I had a Plan B."
"Thad!" Slurk heard the voice of Strangeone again. He looked up to see the ghost standing on the other end of the room. Slurk couldn't help but notice how much Strangeone looked like Elvis. What with his overweight profile and the white suit Strangeone was wearing.
Slurk smiled at the funny resemblance.
"Thad, use the Farce!" shouted Strangeone.
"The Farce! Of course!" said Slurk.
"Look!!!!" shouted Slurk, pointing to Strangeone, "It's Elvis!!!"
Everyone looked. Then they all began to run towards Strangeone, who had a look of horror of his face.
The man in the escape pod got out and said, "Wow, is it really Elvis? I knew he wasn't really dead. Hey, bud, how about holding my place in line while I go get his autograph?"
Slurk was glad to oblige the man as the crowd covered Strangeone.
Slurk jumped into the pod and slammed the door shut, locking it.
Strangeone disappeared just as the mob got to him. "Hey!" shouted someone, "It's just a joke! There is no Elvis!"
The crowd ran back to the pod and began beating on the door, "Hey you tricked us, that aint fair! Let us in!"
"1 minute until self destruct" shouted the loud speaker.
Slurk smiled and waived good bye as he pulled the launch cord.
In a mighty roar the escape pod took off, throwing Slurk back hard into the seat. In a few seconds he was seeing the star filled black backdrop of space.
Slurk watched the massive explosion of the Slyvia's Mother in the rear view mirror. In a matter of seconds the gigantic war dog was no more. A severe shock wave hit the escape pod, throwing Slurk around, banging his head and his sore arm into the equipment. The pain was so immense that Slurk passed out. The escape pod continued to soar in the direction of the Ford Galaxy.
On the other side of the explosion, the shock wave hit the other escape pod, heading in the direction of Robotussin Territory. The pilot of this pod, Sir Gretchen, adjusted his control knobs to compensate for the turbulence of the shock wave.
Gretchen also watched the destruction of his ship in his rear view mirror. Instead of feeling remorse for the millions of lives lost, he felt a bitter hate for Slurk. Then his radar scanner blinked. It was sensing the approach of a huge ship. Gretchen knew that it was the Count's Flag Ship. What would he tell Count Meout? He had to come up with a story within 20 minutes, for that was when the scanner estimated that the pod would be in contact with the Flag Ship. Gretchen beat his fist against his knee and said, "Think, Think, Think!!!"
Then a little light on his computer screen blinked and a computerized voice said, "Incoming chat request!"
"Oh no!" groaned Gretchen as his helmet slumped, "I forgot to sign on as Invisible!"
Chapter 22... Android on line
Stardate: 1692 Starplace: On board the USS Sinnerprize.
"Transporter room 2 to the bridge!" shouted the speaker in the arm of the chair where Doctor Duck Decoy now sat. "We have a form transporting now."
"Good" replied Decoy into the speaker, "Send Loopi 9 to the bridge as soon as he has fully materialized."
"Sir, there appears to be two forms, yes, two bodies are materializing." shouted the transporter technician.
Decoy slammed his fist on the arm of the Captain's chair and shouted, "What? I told you to only transport the stupid android, I ordered you to leave the imbecile Slot behind!"
"Yes sir, I know, but it looks like Slot is hugging Loopi 9!"
Decoy looks puzzling at Ensign Checklist.
"And sir, I think Slot is holding Loopi 9's chestal plate!"
"My God man! Im on the way now!" shouted Decoy as he jumped from the chair and ran to the elevator.
As the elevator door opened, Decoy was face to face with Engineer
Quart R. Slot, holding up First Suckup, Loopi 9. Loopi 9's chest was exposed.
Doctor Decoy shrank back in the horror of it.
"Good Lord!" Decoy exclaimed, "His chestal area is exposed! Slot, do you know the penalty of opening the chest of an android?"
"Mister Slot was not the perpetrator of this crime, Doctor." said Loop 9, while spitting up a little hydraulic fluid.
"That's a right!" said Slot, "This here is the work of somebody a lot more evil than me, Doctor, so If you don't mind, press that there button to engineering deck, I gotta get this android back up and running."
"Errr, yeah, right!" said Decoy as he pressed the button. "What's going on here?"
"Well, Doctor," began Loopi 9, "It is a rather long story. It appears there is a plot here to overthrow the very fabric of the Star Feet. As soon as Engineer Slot replaces my chestal plate, I will make a full report to Captain Slurk."
"Well," said Decoy, while rubbing his chin and rocking on the heels of his feet, "Thad has disappeared, we think he may have been kidnapped by the Robotussins."
"What?" shouted Loopi 9, "This is indeed a serious situation. As soon as I return to the bridge, I am assuming leadership of the Sinnerprize! We will immediately return to the black hole, with the top priority being to find Captain Slurk!"
Just then the elevator door opened to the engineering deck.
"Doctor, go to the bridge and lay in a course for the black hole. I will be there as soon as Mister Slot has finished repairing me." ordered Loopi 9.
Slot pulled Loopi 9 from the elevator. He shouted his orders to an engineer trainee: "Trainee Scumm!!! Prepare the number three workbench. Sterilize the 3/8 drive socket set, and get the roll of duct tape for this here android's chest!!!"
The door to the elevator closed. Decoy pressed the button for the bridge. As he rode the elevator he thought, "The very thought, a lowly teflon coated android ordering me around! Why, I am the Doctor, for God Sake."
Then he grinned an evil grin, "Oh well, as soon as I am commander in chief of the Robotussin Empire, Ford Galaxy Division, I will behead him. And maybe I might just behead Slot too!" The elevator stopped at the bridge and the door opened.
"Doctor Decoy!" shouted the ships scan man, Zerox Zero, "Our scanners have picked up a massive explosion near the black hole. We have visual coming in now!"
"What?" asked Decoy as he ran to the Captain's chair, "Put it on the view finder."
The view screen showed a view of the black hole. The image was magnified greatly. Suddenly a brilliant flash filled the screen.
"Good Lord!" shouted Decoy, "What was that?"
"I'm scanning the area for debris now, sir." replied Zero. "I think it was the Robotusin War Dog."
"The Slyvia's Mother?" asked Decoy. "Double check it Zero, we need to be sure."
"I have double checked it. There can be no mistake. Scanners detect the presence of Fartnon Gas. The only know use for Fartnon is in Sir Gretchen's life support system." explained Zero.
"Oh my goodness!" murmured Decoy. "If Gretchen's ship somehow got destroyed then I guess that we are screwed."
"What do you mean?" asked the netscape navigator, Ensign Checklist.
"Without Gretchen to back us, the mutiny is off." said Decoy.
"Oh man!" shouted Zero, "And I already told my momma that she would be able to have an unlimited Robotussin credit card!"
"Listen you guys, Loopi 9 and Slot are on the Sinnerprize. So I strongly suggest that no one mention anything about a mutiny. Let's just pick up where we left off and go on living our normal routine." said Decoy.
"Yeah? But what about Captain Slurk?" asked the ships communications babe, lieutenant Yomomma.
"What about Slurk?" asked Decoy.
"You beamed him into space, wont that be hard to explain to Loopi 9?" asked Yomomma.
"I've already got that covered. I told him that Slurk was kidnapped by the Robotussins. We can just say that Slurk got killed in the war dog explosion." explained Decoy.
"Yeah but Loopi 9 is a stickler for details, he may want proof." suggested Zero.
"Well, have the computer search the medical records for someone on board that is very close genetically to Slurk. We will all beat the crap out of him, shoot him out a photomat torpedo tube into space. The scanners will match him to Slurk, Loopi 9 will have his proof." said Decoy, his evil grin returning.
"Great plan!" shouted Checklist as he began to enter the search parameters into the computer. "You are a genius, doctor!"
"I totally agree." replied Decoy. "Lay in a course for the black hole. Warp 6!"
As the Sinnerprize jumped into warp speed, the door to the elevator opened. Loopi 9 walked out onto the bridge. His chestal plate was securely fastened with duct tape.
"I will assume command of this ship until we find Captain Slurk, Doctor Decoy." Loopi 9 said to Decoy.
"Yes sir!" shouted Decoy as he climbed out of the captains chair. Under his breath he said to himself, "One of these days I will fix you, you broken down piece of scrap junk."
Loopi 9 climbed into the chair and said, "Ensign Checklist, lets increase speed to warp 9, I am rather anxious to return to the black hole."
"Sir!" interrupted Zero, "Scanners have picked up an object. It appears to be an escape pod... wait a sec... it is an escape pod, and it is Robotussin!"
"All engines stop." shouted Loopi 9, "Go to code red, battlestations! Arm the photomat torpedoes and prepare to destroy the ship!"
Chapter 23....... Slurk's Dream..
Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk heard a distant voice shouting at him. He looked around, he was no longer in a cramped escape pod. He was in a brightly lit yard, green grass, and toys laying around. He looked at his hands, he had both of them. But they were different. They were small. He looked at himself, he was a young boy, about 10 years old, and he was in the backyard of his childhood home, on the planet Nerf.
Suddenly he felt a cold nose against his shin, he turned to see his
"Cod!" he shouted in joy, "I haven't seen you in years old boy.. how ya been?"
The dog jumped up and kissed the young Thad's face.
"Thad, its time for dinner!" shouted the voice again.
Thad turned to see his mother, standing in the door to their house. He smiled as a feeling of joy overtook him again.
He ran to his mother and hugged her tightly.
"Well!" laughed Mrs. Slurk, "What did I do to deserve this?"
Thad sniffed the air, he smelled the aroma of fresh slug drop soup. No one could ever make slug drop soup like his mom.
"Mom, you made me my favorite!"
"Of course I did, now go wash up before your soup gets cold." answered Mrs. Slurk.
"Ok mom, come on Cod!" shouted Thad, but he turned to see his dog had disappeared. "Cod!" he shouted. But no answer from Cod.
"Mom, I gotta go get Cod, I will be right back, ok?" asks Thad.
"Ok son, but don't go too far, and watch out for those nasty ground dwellers." answered the young mother of Thad.
"Ok mom, hey mom? Why do we have to put up with those ground dwellers anyway?" asked the young Slurk.
"Well, its a long story son, but maybe those nice young men called the Supreme Three will get elected and give us all homes in the clouds, just as they are promising." explained Mrs. Slurk.
"I sure hope so, then the ground dwellers wont be able to mix with us, right mom?"
"Right son, now run along and find your dog, the dinner is getting cold."
Young Thad skipped off into the woods, yelling, "Cod! where are you boy?"
Thad wandered deeper and deeper into the woods. Then he heard his dog bark. Then he heard him growl, and finally he could hear Cod whining.
Thad followed the sounds into a dark grove. The air around him grew thick and cold. He was very scared, then he saw a light. As he neared the light, he saw a black suited figure kneeling over his dog. The figure was holding the dog down. Then Thad saw the figure pull out a ginsu light saber.
Thad watched in horror, unable to move, as the ginsu came down and cut off the dog's tail.
Then the black suited figure looked up, he was wearing a black helmet with blinking lights on the neck piece.
Thad went off. "No!" he shouted as he ran to the figure and pulled the ginsu saber from his hand. Thad swung the ginsu around and cut off the figure's head. The head rolled to the ground and the mask popped off. Thad walked up to the helmet and screamed at the sight he saw. Inside the black helmet was the head of his dog, Cod.
"No!" he shouted as he buried his head in his hands. Then he saw a brilliant flash of light and heard a distant beeping sound.
"Beep Beep Beep" the sound got louder, Thad uncovered his eyes to see he had awakened from a terrible dream. He was back in the escape pod, a light was flashing on the dash board that said "Fuel Low" and it was beeping.
The pod had run out of fuel and had come to a stop.
Slurk rubbed his face and found it was sweating. Then he remembered his severed hand, as the pain returned in full force.
"Ayyyy!!!!" he screamed as he beat the port hole window with his good hand. Then he saw it. Coming towards him like an angel of mercy. "Could it be?" Slurk asked himself, "Can it be?"
Slurk stared as it came into sight. "Yes!" he shouted, "Its the Sinnerprize!!!!"
He watched as the good ship Sinnerprize stopped a few hundred yards away. Slurk laughed aloud, temporarily forgetting his painful arm.
Then Slurk's laugh stopped. He could see a torpedo tube start to glow.
"My God!" he shouted, "They are going to fire on me!!!"
Chapter 24..... The Code
Stardate: 1666 Starplace: On board the evil Robotussin Escape Pod..
"Greetings, my Lord!" said Sir Gretchen to the 3-D image of Count
The image is appearing before Sir Gretchen on the dash board of the escape pod Gretchen used to escape from the Robotussin War Dog, Slyvia's Mother, before it blew up.
Gretchen pops open a small cap in his black mask and rams his finger through the hole and into his nose, to give the ceremonial salute to his master, Count Meout. Fartnon gas seeps out around his finger.
"Hello, my young warrior." replied the image of the Count, his finger crammed in his nose as a return salute. "Tell me, Sir Gretchen, what happened to my lovely brand new state of the art war dog? Our sensors picked up the explosion."
"Well, sir, it's hard to explain..." stammered Gretchen, as he removed his finger from his mask and replaced the child proof cap on the nose hole.
"I am listening, Gretchen." said the evil ancient looking Count.
"Somehow, Captain Slurk managed to get aboard the ship, and he jumped to his death just before I could kill him. Unfortunately, he landed in the ship's main beer vat, which you know is a major no-no." explained Gretchen.
"Yes, we must design our next wardogs with a trampoline mounted above the main beer vat!" said Count Meout.
"That is a splendid idea!" said Gretchen, trying his best to suck up, "Its no wonder that you are the master of the best darned race in the universe!"
"Yes, yes, I suppose you are right, my boy." said Count Meout, grinning broadly, he was soaking in the luxury of being sucked up to.
"And you will make a fine ruler of the Ford Galaxy!!" said Gretchen.
"You really think so?" asked Meout, "I think as first act of being ruler of that galaxy I will change that dreaded name! Whoever thought of Ford Galaxy anyway?"
"Really?" asked Gretchen, "I think that's a splendid idea! But what will you call it?"
"I dunno, I was thinking maybe something simple yet appealing, such as maybe, Meout Galaxy?"
"Brilliant idea!!!" shouted Gretchen as he clapped his hands, "Bravo! You are a virtual warehouse of good ideas, sir!!"
"Yes, I guess I am..." said Meout, "Now, will your plan to destroy the Ford Galaxy still work?"
"Yes it will, my lord, all I need is the Sinnerprize to be positioned just right at the black hole... and at the proper moment... the explosion of the Sinnerprize will combine with the energy of the black hole to produce the needed effect!!!"
"Good! Listen, I'm getting off here, we have your escape pod in sight and you will need to dock with us at landing bay 6, ok?" said Count Meout.
"Sure thing!" said Gretchen.
***Meanwhile back on the USS Sinnerprize***
"Loopi 9!" shouted ensign Checklist, "The photomat torpedo is ready to fire.."
"Fire photomat!" shouted Loopi 9.
The Sinnerprize is about to destroy the Robotussin escape pod that
is situated about 100 yards in front of them. The crew of the Sinnerprize
is un-aware that the pod contains their hero (and ours), Captain Thaddeus
And Captain Slurk has no way to communicate with the Sinnerprize to tell them differently, because the slower 14.4 k modems on the Sinnerprize will not communicate with the Robotussin's 56 k modems.
Slurk watches from his window in the pod as a photomat torpedo shoots out from the Sinnerprize.
"This is it!" moans Slurk, "I have been a good person, better than most. Never killed any ground dweller who didn't deserve it. Never spit in the wind. And I always gave a few pennies to the Spacevation Army at Christmas. For me to die like this is un-becoming of such a hero as myself!"
The torpedo races to the pod. Slurks shuts his eyes and screams like a wild woman just as the torpedo makes contact with it's target.
"Ker-plunk!!!" The torpedo doesn't explode. It hits the pod. The pod begins to rotate from the impact as the dead torpedo drifts off into space.
"Sir!" shouted ensign Checklist, "The torpedo did not explode, it was a dud!"
"What?" shouted engineer Quart R. Slot, "That just caint be! I inspected that torpedo my self on the last inspection!"
"That explains it!" shouted Loopi 9, "Load another torpedo, mister Checklist."
Captain Slurk lowers his hand from his eyes as he realizes that the
torpedo did not explode. He looked out the window as he saw stars flying
by, due to the pod rotating.
But Slurk knew it was only a matter of time until the Sinnerprize reloaded. And the odds were very low on the next photomat being a dud.
Slurk needed something to ease his mind. He opened the glove box of the pod and found a pack of Robotussin cigarettes and a robotussin butane lighter. Nothing else was in the glove box.
Slurk picked up the cigarettes. He had never smoked, but he had always wanted to. And since this was his last few moments, he thought, why not?
Slurk put a cigarette into his mouth then grabbed the lighter. He clicked it. A bright spark emitted from it, but it didn't light. he clicked again and again.
"Dam Robotussin junk!" he shouted as he furiously clicked the lighter, the sparks lighting up the pod with flashes of light.
"Photomat ready to fire!" shouted ensign Checklist.
"Ok, mister Checklist.." said Loopi 9 as he watched the rotating pod on the view screen. Then something caught his eye. A flash of light. Then another.
"The torpedo is ready to fire Sir." repeated Checklist.
Loopi 9 thought for a moment as the window to the pod rotated out of sight.
"Do you want to fire?" asked Checklist.
"Err, yeah, I suppose, go ahead and fire the torpedo, mister Checklist" replied Loopi 9.
Checklist hit the button and the torpedo shot out of the tube, heading for the pod, just as the pod's window rotated back into view.
Loopi 9 again saw the flashing light in the pod's window. His eyebrows raised and he slammed his fist on the communicator button on the arm of the Captains Chair.
"Transporter room 6!" he shouted, "Beam the subject off the pod immediately!!"
Just then the torpedo hit the pod, completely destroying it in a brilliant flash of light.
"Transporter room, did you get him?" asked Loopi 9.
"Well, Im trying sir, yes, I believe I did get him, he's materializing now... yep, oh my god!! Its Captain Slurk!!!" shouted the transporter room.
When Slurk finished materializing, he fell to the floor. He still had the cigarette in his mouth and the lighter in his hand. He was still clicking the lighter. Then he passed out on the floor.
Back on the bridge, Doctor Duck Decoy asks Loopi 9, "How in the world did you know Captain Slurk was on that pod thing?"
"Well, Doctor, Captain Slurk somehow was signaling us with a light. He was using the old Morse code to send us a visual coded message. Lucky for us that I was programmed to know Morse code."
"Wow, Morse code huh?" asked Decoy, "I didn't know Thad knew Morse code."
"I didn't either. Morse code went out ages ago, along with disco, I didn't think any human knew it any more. But captain Slurk is indeed no normal human, again he has simply amazed me. " said Loopi 9.
"Transporter room 6 to the bridge!!" shouted the loud speaker, "You'd better get down here quick, Captain Slurk don't look so good!"
In a few minutes the door to the transporter room opened and Loopi 9, Doctor Decoy, and Engineer Slot ran in.
The doctor and Slot ran over to Slurk, who was passed out on the floor. Slurk was talking in his sleep, "Cod! im sorry boy, I didn't mean to cut your head off!"
"He's delirious!" shouted Decoy, "Quick, lets get him to medical!"
Slot and Decoy picked up Slurk and dragged him to the door.
"My god!!" shouted Decoy, "His hand is missing!!!! What good will a captain be with just one hand?"
As they disappeared through the door, Loopi 9 held up his brown teflon coated right hand and stared at it......
Chapter 25.....A friend in need.
Stardate: half past the monkey's rearo Starplace: U.S.S. Sinnerprize
"Quick! Put him on the table!" shouted Doctor Duck Decoy as Engineer Quart R. Slot and Loopi 9 hoisted the weak Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk onto the operating table.
Slurk's limp body fell against the cold table with a resounding "Thump".
Slurk was delirious as he moaned and groaned, saying, "Cod, Cod, Im sorry boy, please come back to me!"
"He's delirious!" shouted Decoy, "Nurse Goodbottom!! Give me a hypo with 10 cc's of Tylenolmorphine!"
Decoy injected the drug into Slurk's arm and it immediately took effect. Slurk calmed down and fell into a deep sleep.
Decoy began to examine Slurk. "Hmmm, everything seems to be ok, hairline is ok, eyes are still their usual bloodshot..."
"Doctor, while you are conducting your examination of the captain, I believe I shall return to the bridge and continue our course for the Black Hole." said Loopi 9 as he turned to walk to the door.
"My God!" shouted Doctor Decoy.
"What is it?" shouted the dedicated android, as he ran to the table.
"He's missing his right hand!" shouted Decoy as he raised Slurk's stump.
A telescopic lens extended from Loopi 9's left eye socket. A whirring noise was made as the lens turned, focusing in on Slurks arm.
"Well, Doctor Decoy, I fully agree with your prognosis, it would appear that the Captain's hand has been severed by a very hot instrument, possibly a laser of some sort." said Loopi 9 as his telescopic lens retracted back into his eye.
"I think I just said that, you teflon coated fully recyclable shell of a crash dummy!" shouted Decoy.
"What good is a capin without a right hand?" said Engineer Slot as he shook his head.
"What do you mean, engineer Slot?" asked Loopi 9.
"Well, Loopi, it says right in the Star Feet manual that a capin must have good teeth, good feet, a strong back, straight eyes, be able to spit 10 feet, and have two good hands." explained Slot.
"That's ridiculous!" shouted Loopi 9.
"Loopi, I think you should see something." said Decoy as he wrapped his arm around the android's shoulder, leading him to a console.
Decoy typed in a code on a keyboard and a video image of Captain Slurk appeared on a monitor. Slurk was laid back on a couch with a bottle of wine in his hand.
"That's right!" shouted Slurk, with a slurred voice, "If I ever loose my arches, or my eyes ever get crossed or I forget how to spit..." Slurk paused long enough to turn up the wine bottle, he spilled some wine down his shirt, wiping his mouth with his shirt sleeve, he continued, "If anything at all happens to me to keep me from being a good captain, I want you to kill me!"
"Kill you?" asked the off screen voice of Doctor Decoy, who was operating the video camera at the time of the recording.
"Yeah, I mean it too!! If I cant be a good Captain, I don't want to live! I want to be put out of my misery!!" Slurk continued to talk, wine bottle in hand, "This is the best crew any captain could ever hope for. If anything ever happened to make me loose you guys, life wouldn't be worth living.."
Slurk began to cry.
"It's ok Thad." said Decoy, "You are the best Captain in the Star Feet, and you always will be.."
"You are dam straight there Ligaments!!" shouted Slurk as he turned up the bottle again.
Slurk slammed the bottle down and stood up.. "I can outspit any captain
in the Feet!" Slurk hocked and spit. A big glob of spit hit the screen
and slid down.
"And that aint all that I'm the bestest at!" he shouted as he began to unzip his pants. Then he stopped as a flush look overtook his face. His eyes rolled back in his head and Slurk fell back on the couch, passed out. The video ended at that point.
"I guess you are right, Doctor." Loopi 9 looked discouraged, "The evidence is clear as to the Captain's wishes."
"Yep, sad but true," said Decoy as he turned to the nurse, "Nurse Goodbottom, prepare an elixir of rat poison."
"There must be something we can do." thought Loopi 9 to himself as a trillion calculations ran through his nemonic mind.
Loopi 9 held his teflon coated hand up in front of his face. "Doctor!" he shouted, "Wait a minute!"
"Where am I?" said Captain Slurk as he awoke from his sleep. He looked around and saw Loopi 9, Doctor Decoy, Engineer Slot, and Nurse Goodbottom standing around him, all smiling at him.
Slurk tried to clear his mind as he scratched his head. Then he remembered.
"My hand!" he shouted as he held his right hand in front of his face. His eyes widened as he saw a brown hand in front of him. As he flexed his fingers, he heard the whining noises of servo motors. "My hand,....... its brown!"
"Well, actually, its teflon!" said Loopi 9.
"You gave me your hand?" asked Slurk.
"Yes, it was my pleasure, Captain, a friend in need is a friend indeed!" answered the android.
"That's great." said Slurk, "But what will you do for a hand?"
"Oh, I have already took care of that, show him Loopi!" smiled Engineer Slot.
Loopi held up his right arm. At the wrist there was a wire coat hanger inserted. The coat hanger was bent into the shape of a hook. A few sparks flew from where the coat hanger was inserted in the arm.
"It is quite functional." said Loopi as he rotated the hook.
"Yeah," agreed Slot, "You will be the life of the party at our next barbecue!"
"I love you guys!" laughed Slurk. "Wait a minute! We got some butt to kick back at the black hole!"
Slurk jumped from the table and ran to the elevator. The other guys followed him.
As they rode the elevator to the bridge, Loopi 9 said, "Captain, that was a brilliant plan, using the cigarette lighter to send us a Morse code message."
"Yep. Brilliant is my middle name." said Slurk as the elevator came to a halt.
As Loopi 9 left the elevator, Slurk whispered to Slot, "What the heck is Morse code?"
Everyone cheered as Slurk walked onto the bridge. Slurk felt a little uneasy. He was used to being sucked up to, but still something wasn't right.
He sat down at the Captain's chair. He sighed. It was good to be home again.
"Ensign Checklist!" he shouted.
"Yes sir!" returned Checklist as he nervously crammed an issue of "Mutiny Today" into his shirt.
"To the black hole! Maximum warp!" ordered Slurk, "We got some Robotussin butt to kick!"
"Yes sir!" shouted Checklist as the Sinnerprize sped off.
Chapter 26...................... Star Slick
Star Date: 2525.2626 Star Place: The Black Hole.
Sir Gretchen watched out the window of his escape pod as the huge round ball shaped space ship drew closer. Soon the ship was so big that Gretchen could see the details of the ship's surface. He watched as giant plasma shooting guns appeared. His pod began to turn and follow the curvature of the round ship. He looked out the window at his feet and saw gigantic towers and more huge weapons pass below his ship. He saw a sign that read "Eat at Joe's" in bright red neon.
Then the small pod came upon a huge open door. The pod, now being
guided by tractor beams, entered the huge door. The pod gently sat down
on the floor of a huge room as the huge door closed and the huge air began
Sir Gretchen unbuckled himself and climbed out of the small escape pod.
A door to the huge room opened and many soldiers, dressed in tinfoil, ran out and formed two lines from the door to the escape pod. All the soldiers popped their fingers in their noses to salute Sir Gretchen.
Sir Gretchen began to walk up the isle to the door, then stopped
as a figure stood at the door.
The figure was very small, coming up to Gretchen's waist. He was brown with big eyes and long pointy ears. He looked to be very old.
"Master!" shouted Gretchen as he fell to his knees. With his head bowed, he pulled the nose cap on his helmet and rammed his finger in. Fartnon gas began to seep from the open orifice.
"Please, please, lets forget the formalities, my son." replied the small creature, as he waved his hand in front of his face, "Man that fartnon really stinks! Phew!!"
"Yes of course, please forgive me, Master!" said Gretchen as he placed the cap back on the orifice.
"Get up off your knees and walk with me." said the small creature, who was none other than Count Meout, the leader of all the evil Robotussin Empire.
Gretchen and Meout began to walk the aisle, side by side. Meout was
very small and his tiny legs could not stride as far as the tall Gretchen's.
Gretchen found himself having to stop and wait for the tiny master to catch up.
"So the end of the Ford Galaxy is near." remarked Meout.
"Yes my, lord." replied Gretchen. "As soon as the Sinnerprize arrives at the black hole, our plan will come together."
"You have taken care of all the details?" asked Meout.
"Yes. I have the remote control in my pocket. We will wait until the Sinnerprize is in the exact spot, then I will detonate the android, Loopi 9, by remote control. The explosion will combine with the negative energy of the black hole. The force will create a tremendous Star Slick that will completely wipe out the Ford galaxy."
"A Star Slick?" asked Count Meout.
"Yes sir. A Star Slick that will slide across the Ford Galaxy, choking all of its life until there is no life left. It will be the biggest Star Slick since the Spaceon Valdez!" laughed the evil Sir Gretchen.
"HUH HUH HUH!" laughed Count Meout, "Then I will be the supreme ruler of all the universe.... This is so cool!"
"Yes, my lord." agreed Sir Gretchen. Then Gretchen thought to himself, "That is until I kill you and I become ruler of the universe!"
The two walked to the center of the big space ball. This was the command center for the ship. There were big computer panels lining the walls, and huge 35 inch tv screens. One of the screens showed the black hole, swirling in space. Another screen showed a map of the known universe, and another screen showed reruns of "Leave It To Beaver".
"Sir!" shouted one of the computer operators, "The Sinnerprize is coming out of warp speed."
A screen showed the Sinnerprize appearing.
"Good!" shouted Meout. "Ok Gretchen, show me what you have!"
"Yes, my lord." said Gretchen as he pulled a remote control from his pocket. He pointed the device at the screen showing the Sinnerprize and pressed a button.
"This button will activate the on-screen programming that is installed in the mind of the android, Loopi 9." explained Gretchen. "This will make the android enter in the co-ordinates into the ship's navigation panel. The co-ordinates will position the ship at the exact place by the black hole."
***Meanwhile, back on the Blue Moon in the River System***
The box that Engineer Slot removed from Loopi 9 began to activate. The lights began to flash and the box said, "Hey, where am I? I'm supposed to enter some coordinates into the ships navigation panel. Hey! Somebody! Hey!" The box began to shake.
***Meanwhile back on the Sinnerprize***
"Captain Slurk, we have the Robotussin War Ball on screen now!" shouted Loopi 9. "And it has it's shields up and is fully armed!"
"Ok, lets just chill out." said Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, "Let's move on a little closer to the black hole. Maybe they haven't seen us yet. We may still be able to surprise attack them."
The Sinnerprize began to move closer to the black hole.
"Closer." whispered Slurk, "Closer. Arm photomat torpedoes."
"Why is he whispering?" Ensign Zero whispered to Ensign Checklist. Checklist shrugged his shoulders.
***Meanwhile back on the Robotussin War Ball***
"Its working!" shouted Gretchen.
"Yes!" shouted Meout as he slapped a high five with Gretchen, which was really a low five for Gretchen, due to the height difference.
"Just a little closer....." said Gretchen.. "Now! Watch this!" Gretchen pressed another button on the remote control.
***Meanwhile back on The Blue Moon***
"Hey!" shouted the box. "Hey, I'm here! Somebody! I'm here!"
Then the lights on the box began to rapidly flash. Then the box began to tremble.
"Hey, this wasn't in the program!" shouted the box. Then the box began to glow.
"Ohhhhhhhhhh shiiiiiii......." shouted the box. Suddenly the box exploded. The explosion was so big that it split the Blue Moon in half. The moon was called from this day forward, "The Half Moon of the River System".
***Meanwhile back on the evil War Ball***
Count Meout was watching the Sinnerprize on the screen. "Watch what?" he asked.
Sir Gretchen pressed the button again. Nothing happened. He pounded on the remote with his fist. "Maybe the batteries are dead?"
"Sir!" shouted a computer operator. "The black hole is shrinking!"
"Gretchen, you gotta destroy the Sinnerprize now. The black hole is disappearing!" shouted Meout.
"I'm trying sir, I just don't understand it!" cried Gretchen as he furiously clicked the remote.
"You nincompoop!!" shouted Meout. "First you failed in destroying the Sinnerprize when you had your first chance. Then you allowed Slurk to destroy my prettiest Wardog in the fleet, now you have failed me again!"
"But I don't understand!" cried Gretchen, still punching the buttons on the remote.
"I will destroy you later, Gretchen, but first I must complete what you started. Weapons control! Target the Sinnerprize and prepare to destroy her on my command!" shouted Meout.
Gretchen knew that this was his only chance at taking over the empire. It was now or never. He threw down the remote control and pulled his ginsu light saber.
Meout had his back to Gretchen as he shouted, "Ready! Aim!...."
Gretchen turned on his ginsu and swung low, aiming at the Count's neck. The ginsu laser beam went right through the Count and smashed into a box on the wall. Sparks and flames flew from the box. The Count was un harmed.
Count Meout turned to Gretchen, with fire in his eyes. "So, you try to back bite me, eh?"
Gretchen swung his ginsu again, and again the beam passed right through the Count and smashed into a control panel, completely destroying the panel.
"You idiot!" shouted Meout, "I made that ginsu for you. Did you ever consider that I would have programmed it not to hurt me? Now, you must deal with the pure unleashed power of the Dark Side of the Farce!"
The tiny form of the count began to change. He grew into a giant
dragon. The dragon's head touched the ceiling of the massive room, looking
down on Gretchen.
Breathing fire and smoke, the dragon opened its huge mouth, exposing razor sharp teeth, and with a quick motion, came down on the head of Gretchen.
The razor sharp teeth pierced the helmet of Gretchen. The dragon
picked up the warrior and shook him. Fartnon gas began to seep from Gretchen's
helmet into the mouth of the dragon.
The dragon spit Gretchen out. Gretchen laid limp on the floor as fartnon poured from his punctured helmet.
The dragon changed back into the original form of Count Meout.
"Yuck!" shouted Meout as he spit. "I hate the taste of fartnon gas."
**Meanwhile back on the Sinnerprize**
"Sir!" shouted Loopi 9, "The War Ball has dropped it's shields!"
"Fire!" shouted Slurk.
**Meanwhile back on the War Ball**
"Sir!" shouted the computer operator, "The Sinnerprize is firing on us!"
Count Meout was wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "That's ok, our shields are the best in the universe."
Suddenly the whole ship shook as a torpedo from the Sinnerprize hit it.
"Hey!" shouted Meout, "What happened to our shields?"
"That first box that Gretchen hit was our shield control." replied the operator.
"You mean we have no shields?" shouted Meout, "Then open fire and destroy the Sinnerprize."
"Well, sir, you know that second panel that Gretchen hit? Well, that was our weapons control!" shouted the operator as another torpedo shook the ship. Lights began to blink and dust fell from the ceiling.
"You mean to tell me that we have no shields OR weapons?" shouted Meout.
"Yes, sir, that's what I mean!" replied the operator.
"ARGH!" shouted Meout as he turned to Gretchen, who was lying on the floor, gasping as the last bit of his life sustaining fartnon gas fizzed out of his helmet.
Meout's eyes began to glow, then he grabbed his nose. "My god, that stuff stinks. Get him out of here!"
"Where would you like to put him?" asked the operator.
"I don't care, beam him to the Sinnerprize, maybe it will buy us some time."
Sir Gretchen disappeared as the ship shook again from another torpedo blow. Fire erupted from a computer panel.
"Get us out of here and back to Robotussin Territory!" shouted Meout, as he scrubbed his teeth with his fingers. "You got any Certs or Tic-Tacs on you?"
**Meanwhile back on the Sinnerprize**
"Sir!" shouted Loopi 9, "We have destroyed the lower quarter panel of the War Ball!"
"Good!" shouted Slurk, "I wonder why they aren't firing back? Load the most powerful torpedo we have and prepare to destroy the ball!!!"
"Torpedo loaded and ready to fire!" shouted Zero.
"Good!" shouted Slurk, "Ready.... Aim....."
Suddenly a form began to appear on the floor. All eyes were turned to it, watching it take the shape of Sir Gretchen.
"Good lord!" shouted Lieutenant Yomomma, "What is that horrible smell?"
When the form had finished materializing, everyone was shocked to see the second in command of the Robotussin Territory lying on the floor. Fartnon gas was still seeping from the puncture holes in his helmet.
"It's Gretchen!" shouted Checklist as he pulled his laser pistol and pointed it.
"Wait!" shouted Slurk, "Don't fire!"
"Don't fire?" asked Engineer Slot, "But he's the most evil thing we has ever seen."
"Captain!" shouted Loopi 9, "The War Dog is leaving, its headed back to Robotussin Territory!"
"Let it go Loopi." said Slurk as he walked over to Sir Gretchen.
"But sir, we may not ever get another chance like this to destroy Count Meout!" pleaded Loopi 9.
"It doesn't matter anymore. I have a more important mission now." said Slurk as he bent down over Gretchen.
"But sir..." cried Loopi 9.
"Ligaments!" Slurk yelled to the ship's doctor, Duck Decoy. "Give me a hand here!"
"But Thad, he's just a Robotussin!" shouted Decoy.
"No Ligaments, he's a lot more than that!" said Slurk, "He's my father!"
"What?" shouted Engineer Slot.
"You mean you are a Robotussin?" shouted Yomomma.
Ensign Checklist ran his hand along his shirt, feeling the mutiny gun still tucked away under it.
Chapter 27.......... Return of the Yugo
Starplace: The U.S.S. Sinnerprize...
With a tear in his eye, Captain Slurk walks over to Sir Gretchen,
who is dying slowly on the floor of the bridge.
The old enemy. The one who tried to destroy all that Slurk stood for. Showing nothing but hate and a deep resentment for him. Always there when trouble was brewing for Slurk and his beloved organization, Star Feet.
An enemy that Slurk had so desperately hated. An enemy that always was on Slurk's undesirable list.
But the times have changed for Slurk. He sees before him not his enemy, but his long lost father. A father who carried with him an air of mystery, and a whole lot of unanswered questions. But a father none the less.
Slurk bent down to Sir Gretchen. Gretchen was breathing hard, his labored gasps for air reminded Slurk of the sounds that a space whale makes when it has been shot through the air bag with a 22 caliber double barrel proton gun.
Slurk cradles Gretchen's massive helmet in his hands. He gently lifts
the evil warrior's head.
"Is there anything we can do for you?" he asks.
"Yes." replied Gretchen, his fading strength echoing in his whispers. "Remove my helmet so I may see my son with my real eyes."
"You aren't really my father are you?" asks Slurk.
"Yes Thad. I am." replied Gretchen.
"But how? Why?" stammered Slurk.
"Shuss" said Gretchen. "I will tell you the whole story. It was back
when The Ford Galaxy and The Robotussin Territory were friends. I was on
leave from the Robotussin Spacational Guard, having a good time in the
Ford Galaxy. I met a lovely young lady in a bar on planet Nerf.
"She stole my heart. There was nothing this lady wouldn't do for me, as long as I had plenty of money.
"But my leave from the guard was up in a week, and I had to say goodbye to my fair young lass.
Heartbroken, I traveled back to my Robotussin base. Then it happened. The transport ship I was on hit a giant spaceberg.
"A chunk of ice hit my head. I was unconscious for 6 months.
"When I awoke, I was in a hospital. Machines were hooked to me and I couldn't move. I was paralyzed.
"Then I saw Count Meout standing at the foot of my bed, smiling.
"He told me that he had rescued me from the wreckage of the transport ship I was on. I was broken up real bad, and I was the only survivor found.
"He got me to a hospital and saved my life. I was in a coma for 6 months. Count Meout had risen to power in that time. He had become supreme ruler of Robotussin Territory. And he had also declared war on the Ford Galaxy.
"He told me how the Ford Galaxy had cheated the Robotussins out of there precious space, how they had ripped us off.. Count Meout was destined to become the ruler of the Robotussin Territory, and he wanted me to be his side kick.
"He taught me in the ways of the dark side of the Farce... I was lured to the dark side, so it's really not my fault."
Slurk didn't know what to say. He looked into the smoked lenses of Gretchen's helmet. Gretchen was gasping for breath. He was dying, as the last trace of fartnon gas seeped from the punctures in his black helmet.
"Son.." he said, "Remove my helmet."
"Okay daddy..." replied Slurk as he pulled apart the velcro fasteners. Slurk pulled the face cover of the helmet off. The sight he saw made him cringe.
Sir Gretchen had received massive injuries to his facial area. His face looked like dried strips of raw bacon, stretched tight over a pale white bowling ball. His eyes were as red as blood, and his teeth were stained brown. He was pale from being covered for so many years. Fartnon gas seeped from his ears. And the 8 track tape deck mounted below Gretchen's chin had a string of tape hanging out.
A red light blinked slowly behind his neck bolts. With tears in his eyes, Gretchen said, "I have always been evil my son, but today I will walk on the nice side of the Farce once again. Today, you are seeing the return of the Yugo knight....."
Gretchen's eyes rolled back in his head and a LED display across his forehead flashed "TILT!!!" in bright red letters. Then it faded away. Gretchen was dead.
Slurk slowly dropped Gretchen's head to the floor.. with a tear in his eye he said, "Where is that son of a biscuit eater that killed my old man?"
The ship's first suckup, Loopi 9, said, "Captain, the Robotussin ship is on its way back to the neutered zone. There is no way we can catch him now."
"Captain!" shouted the communications expert, Lieutenant Yomomma, "The Robutussin War Ball is hailing us!"
"Put it on screen!" shouted Slurk as he jumped up in front of the view screen.
The ugly face of Count Meout appeared on the screen.
"So!" shouted the evil one, "You are not dead! Once again that punk Gretchen has let me down!"
"That's right, I aint dead, and further more, come back here and we will show you just how alive I am!" shouted Slurk, shaking his fist.
"I cannot engage battle with you now, due to technical difficulties." replied Meout.
"Yeah, you are just chicken!" yelled Slurk.
"You have won this time, Slurk, but next time you will not be so fortunate. But just to remind you of my immense power, I sent you a present.. I trust you received your scented gift? HUH HUH HUH HUH" The image of the count disappeared, with him laughing madly.
There was a deafening silence on the bridge of the Sinnerprize. Finally Yomomma said, "Captain, you have got to do something about your daddy, I cant stand that awful smell no more!"
"Yes, of course," said Slurk, "Loopi, what better way to lay to rest a space warrior, except a burial at space?"
"Aye captain." agreed Loopi 9 as he activated the transporter beam. Sir Gretchen disappeared in a flash of light. He reappeared outside the Sinnerprize.
Slurk stood at the view screen, watching the lifeless body of Gretchen floating around outside.
"I suppose I should say something." said Slurk as he watched the body. "Hmmmm, lets see, WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO...."
Suddenly the ship shook, knocking Slurk down into his captain's chair.
"Loopi!!! What was that?" asked Slurk.
"The black hole is collapsing, captain! The gravity is increasing, its pulling us in!" answered the android, Loopi 9.
"Full thrusters, reverse direction!" shouted Slurk.
Slurk watched on the view screen as the body of Gretchen was pulled into the black hole. Then the black hole collapsed upon itself and disappeared. Gretchen was gone forever.
All was quiet on the bridge once again.
"The black hole is gone, Captain." said Loopi 9.
Slurk looked down at the floor. Then he said, "Lets go home."
The mighty Sinnerprize roared into light speed, heading back to planet Nerf.
"I'll be in my ready room, if you need anything." Slurk said as he got up and walked slowly to his ready room.
Slurk closed the door behind him and poured himself a glass of Mad Dog 20/20 beer.
He sat at his desk, peering out his window as the stars flew past. He sniffed and then pressed a button on his chair arm...
"Captain's Log..." he said, "I have once again saved the Ford Galaxy
from destruction. Years of Starfeet training and my natural intelligence
and bravery have paid off. Sir Gretchen is dead. Count Meout is defeated.
The universe is safe. And I did it all. But it was my pleasure, and I expect
no payment, however there are some parking tickets and bar bills that I
will assume will be taken care of.
I did it all for my beloved Ford Galaxy. And I would gladly risk the lives of my crew to do it again...... Captain Thaddeus T. Slurk, captain of the USS Sinnerprize."
Slurk punched the button and took another drink.
Then his communicator beeped. It was Loopi 9, requesting a chat.
"What is it Loopi?" asked Slurk.
"Captain, Loopi 9 here, I was wondering if maybe we could stop by the Androids R Us store and get a replacement hand for me? Its not that I don't appreciate this hook Engineer Slot made for me, it's just that I would be 98.9 percent more efficient with both of my hands."
"Man oh man..." said Slurk, "I have been to the end of the universe and back, never once thinking of myself, and here you are laying this on me... I tell you, androids are so selfish!"
"Im sorry sir, it is very selfish of me, please forgive me, and disregard that request." apologized the android.
"Sheesh, it makes me sick to my stomach..." said Slurk.
"Please sir, I don't know what came over me."
"Ok Loopi 9, I'll let it slide for now..." replied Slurk.
"Thank you sir, Loopi 9 out.." said Loopi 9.
"Err, Loopi, wait a minute." shouted Slurk.
"Yes sir!" shouted Loopi 9, thinking maybe Slurk had a change of heart.
"Lay in a course for Zork's Bar and Grill. I need a few days of partying my rearo off!" shouted Slurk as he gulped another drink.
"Yes sir.... Loopi 9 out.." replied Loopi 9.
Slurk stared once again out the window... Then he felt a tingle in his pocket. He reached in and pulled out the box that Strangeone had given him. He had forgotten about it. He held the box up in front of him and opened it. A bright white light glared from it.
Slurk then heard a voice say, "Thad, use the Farce!"
Slurk turned to see the ghostly figure of Ima Strangeone, standing in front of him.
"You did well, Thad." said Strangeone.
"Did I really? I mean, I lost my daddy, even though I never knew he was my daddy." said Slurk.
"Well, you lose some, win some." Strangeone said with a smile.
"Yeah, I guess." replied Slurk, "But at least I got him back to the good side of the Farce."
"Really?" asked Strangeone, "That's strange, I haven't seen him here."
"Well, he told me that he had returned to the good side, just before he got sucked into the black hole." explained Slurk.
"He got sucked into the black hole?" asked Strangeone, "Well, that explains it then. There's no telling what dimension he wound up in.. but I'm sure we will bump into each other sooner or later, I mean we are stuck here forever."
"Well, if you see him, tell him I said hi." said Slurk, "And by the way... what is this little box?"
"Oh that... that is a nuclear device, and its about to explode... I suggest you throw it away, unless you want to join me here in limbo land."
"What?" shouted Slurk as the box began to vibrate. Slurk ran to the window and opened it. The air began to suck out the window, along with all sorts of important papers and 10 years of dust. Slurk threw the box out the window and slammed the window shut. He then saw a brilliant flash of light, as the box exploded just a few clicks from the Sinnerprize.
"Whew.." said Strangeone, "That was close."
"Wow, you're telling me!" said Slurk as he combed his hair with his fingers.
"So now, Thad, you must continue your education in the Farce, and become a full pledge Yugo Knight!" said Strangeone.
"I dunno." replied Slurk. "I kinda like being a space hero. The pay is a lot better."
"Well. Ok." said Strangeone.
"But it's nice to know that you will always be here if I need you." smiled Slurk.
"Well, I don't know about that. You see there is this lady here in limbo land that I met, and I may be kinda tied up, if you know what I mean!" grinned Strangeone.
"Ok.." said Slurk.
"But before I go, Thad, tell me, do you really think I look like Elvis?" asked Strangeone.
"Hmmmm.." replied Slurk, "No, not really. I think you look more like Buddy Hackett."
"Oh, Ok. Thanks.. I was afraid I might be gaining weight." said Strangeone. "Well, Thad I gotta go... May the Farce be with you... always.."
"You too man.." replied Slurk as the image of Strangeone disappeared.
Slurk stared out the window again as he sipped his beer. Then a computer voice said "Incoming Chat Request."
Slurk checked his view screen and saw it was The Supreme Three. Of course he accepted it.
In a few moments three men appeared on Slurk's view screen.
The one on the left had a big nose and kinky hair, the one on the right was bald and fat. The one in the center was short, with a bowl hair cut.
"Greetins there young captain!" said the center one. "We just saw on the televox there what you did and we just wanted to say that we really appreciate it!!"
"Yeah," said the kinky haired one, "It was kinda peachy!"
"Peachy?" asked the fat one, "I'll take a bowl with cream! Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck!"
"Shut up ya moron!" said the short one as he slapped the bald one. He then turned and slapped the kinky haired one.
"Hey! I didn't do nuttin!" shouted the kinky haired one.
"I know." said the short one. "You never do."
"But seriously.." said the short one as he turned back towards Slurk, "We like what you did for us, son, and we just want you to know that we got this big parade planned for ya when you get back home."
"Yeah" said the kinky haired one, "We are going to bring out the 50 year old beer and roast some ground dwellers."
"Thank you sirs!" said Slurk, "It was my pleasure. But what about that little incident back on cloud 9?"
"Think nuttin of it! Its all been forgotten!" said the short one.
"Yeah, we planned on making a parking lot out of that cloud anyway! NYUCK NYUCK NYUCK!" said the fat one.
"Well, we gotta go.. see you back here on Nerf in a few... take care.." said the short one.
"Yes sirs!" shouted Slurk with a wide grin.
The Supreme Three crossed their chests with there fists and together
"Goodbye.... Goodbye.... Goodbye...................Goodbye!"
Then the screen went blank.
Slurk felt good about himself once again. Once again he felt like the hero that he was. And this was a good feeling. Perhaps this was what the Farce was all about.... feeling good about yourself.
Slurk killed his beer in one gulp. Wiping his mouth on his sleeve, he stood up, a little shaky, he walked to the the big window and looked out at the passing stars. Standing tall and straight he said,
"Space..... the final frontteeth..... These were the voyages of the
It's never ending mission..
To seek out new life and exploit it...
To find new places to pollute..
To find new places to claim in the name of truth, justice, and the Nerfian way of life...
To boldly go where no grounddweller dwells...
To reach out and touch the face of Space...."