NEVER   going   back   again

Oh man.. if I had to pick one Tori song that had affected me the most it would be either "Me and a Gun' or "Crucify". First time I heard this song I went numb;I think I was like 14 or 15. The words just fit me almost to a perfect T. Nothing I did was good enough for my father, and because of that I kept on beating myself down. I guess you could say I was crucifying myself. I avoid conflict at all cost, most people would call me a coward. I think the first lines in this song explains it well for me. It's just that I lived with conflict for most of my life. I lived with the emotional abuse and the physical abuse. I don't want to have to go back there. That is why I avoid conflict. Or maybe my courgae does in fact sell out. Who knows? The fact is that when I did go off to college.. I started to look for a "savior" in one of the stupidest ways.. through sex. I felt wanted when I was on my knees. I felt like for once in my life I had control over, and it helped a hell of a lot that it was a male that I had control over. Notice I said "I felt" because I see that I was dead wrong back then AND stupid. But as the saying goes "a mistake is not a mistake if you learn from it" and boy did I ever. I do in fact have enough guilt to start my own religion.. but why would I want to? I am tired of feeling guilty for things that I have done in the past, or things that I think are my fault but are not. I am tired of allowing others to project their negative energy onto me. I am tired of raising up my hand when they want someone to nail. I am no longer waiting for those angels to save me.. but saving myself. And let me tell you.. I am NEVER going back again.

"Crucify"

     Every finger in the room is pointing at me
     I wanna spit in their faces
     Then I get afraid what that could bring
     I got a bowling ball in my stomach
     I got a desert in my mouth
     Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now.

     I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
     Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
     I've been raising up my hands
     Drive another nail in
     Just what GOD needs
     One more victim

     Why do we crucify ourselves
     Every day I crucify myself
     Nothing I do is good enough for you
     Crucify myself
     Every day I crucify myself
     And my HEART is sick of being in chains

     Got a kick for a dog beggin' for LOVE
     I gotta have my suffering
     So that I can have my cross
     I know a cat named Easter
     He says will you ever learn
     You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

     I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
     Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
     I've been raising up my hands
     Drive another nail in
     Got enough GUILT to start
     My own religion

     Why do we crucify ourselves
     Every day I crucify myself
     Nothing I do is good enough for you
     Crucify myself
     Every day I crucify myself
     And my HEART is sick of being in chains

     Please be
     Save me
     I CRY

     Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
     Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
     I've been raising up my hands
     Drive another nail in
     Where are those angels
     When you need them

     Why do we crucify ourselves
     Every day I crucify myself
     Nothing I do is good enough for you
     Crucify myself
     Every day I crucify myself
     And my HEART is sick of being in chains

     Why do we change 
     Crucify ourselves
     Everyday

     Never going back again
     Crucify myself again
     You know
     Never going back again to
     Crucify myself
     Everyday

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