What makes a marriage work?
The obvious way to attack this issue would be to create a lengthy advice
filled inventory of deeds to do to make and keep a marriage exciting.
Not my style.
What makes a marriage FAIL? What makes a marriage END? Why doesn't anyone
ever write a 'How To' manual for creating an UNsuccessful marriage?
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
The most important thing to do is to be sure that as soon as you have
exhausted all your wiles and ways to get to the altar, as soon as the
cake is cut, CHANGE! Revert back to that person you really are. Don't
continue to do/feel/be everything that was the attractant in the first
place. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one. Start early!
Nitpicking is a good option. Remember all the things he/she did that you
found so amusing while dating? Announce loudly at every chance how much
they now irritate you. It's also a good idea to do this at social functions
and in front of other people. The wedding reception is an ideal place
to practice this, why wait?
Day to day submissions to this cause include obsessing with some other
pastime that precludes spending time with your spouse. Be sure to pick
something that the other cannot share with you. Try to do this activity
as often as possible and get furious if you are interrupted. Make this
the focus of your life, ignore pleas of "Honey we never spend any time
together anymore".
Watching TV is an excellent way to create tension in a marriage, with
robust and inconsistent use of the remote control. Using TV to block out
dinner table conversation is an excellent method of insuring you will go
to bed angry. Above all else find out what the other wants to see, watch
anything but, and super glue the remote to your hand if necessary.
Never try to see the other person's point of view in any discussion. Drown
them out with lots of yelling and gesticulating, and don't let them finish
a sentence. Judicious use of phrases that allude to their lack of
intelligence are also great weapons.
Bodily contact should cease as soon as possible after the vows are repeated.
"I DO" must translate into "I DON'T", or more beneficially...."I will ONLY if
I get my way and you are good". Don't hug, or hold hands, or show any
physical affection that would make your significant other feel wanted. These
tools, however, are useful when you want something.
I always find bringing each other's families into the fray can add a little
spice to your marriage should you find harmony creeping in and attempting to
make you get along. Talk about his/her Great Aunt Nellie as an appetizer,
then whop them with the biggie...."Your MOMMA...."
Children are an excellent source of conflict for a couple. They can be used
in a variety of ways as pawns, allies, and reasons for just about anything.
Let the other fuss and fume over some transgression, pull the child aside and
assure them that Mommy/Daddy is bad and not to listen to them. This creates
the two against one scenario. Always leave yourself the option to blame any
really bad problems on the other spouse, however.
Money is the root of all evil they say. Financial matters can really
lay the groundwork for usurping any relationship. Spend spend spend! Or,
conversely, SCRIMP. Dole out allowances in small portions or go wild on
the Home Shopping Network. If you can effectively bring money problems
into your marriage, you'll have the impetus needed for that slow decline to
the end. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
Tune them out, learn and hone the fine art of ignoring, treating anything they
say as so much radio type background noise. Should they do something worthwhile,
resist the urge to praise. Bite your tongue, pinch yourself hard, whatever it
takes, but do not give them credit for anything!
Ultimately, if your spouse is the kind who is so slobberlingly in love with
you or able to overlook your faults, or simply too lazy to participate into
the dissolution of the union, you can always fall back on ADULTERY!
Yes, go get yourself a boy/girl toy. For your own enjoyment you should find
someone who is all you ever wanted, one who rocks your boat, one who makes it
difficult for you to close your eyes at night because it's time away from
him/her, the one who you SHOULD have married in the first place. But, that would
make sense, that would look normal. You need to really turn his/her head, so
find someone who is so outlandishly bizarre that he/she is forced to dump you
to avoid any more embarrassment. It should be noted that this is the final
method to use if all else fails. Absolutely, it's important to keep
yourself looking good in other's eyes so they'll feel sorry for you. This
method voids that option, as well as possibly being financially unwelcome
for your future.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
So, do you want to clown around and walk a tightrope? Don't buy the ticket
unless you are going to stay for the whole show. The best acts are at the
end.