MARTHA STEWART!
The very name conjures up an image of Satan him...or her..self!
There is such a movement afoot to put less emphasis on weight, to stop parading
stick thin models across teen magazines, creating a race of anorexics!
What about Miss 'birth your own calves, raise em to cows, milk em, make your
cream, beat it never heard of Cool Whip®' Stewart???? Isn't she breeding an
assemblage of depressed housewives sitting amid a pile of ribbon scraps
and puff pastry, failing once again to be the 'perfect hostess'???
Recently she did a show on LOADING YOUR DISHWASHER. She has a dishwasher where
you lay each and every single fork and knife and spoon in its own little place,
They are separated so none touches the other. Okay, so when I grab mine out of
their confining little basket, I gotta look at them and pull out the rejects.
But by the time she loads her tableware...er...excuse me...her SILVERware, I've
already had time to open, slop, and eat my cool whip! A dishwasher is supposed
to be a timesaver, cleanliness comes second.
I don't really watch her show...when I'm home, I have on the morning news shows.
She comes on after them, often I'm busy hanging drywall or roofing the neighbor's
house..yeah sure...so I just haven't turned it off.
Near the holidays, she was making her own Christmas tags, of course with
Japanese parchment paper. I live simpler, I wrap each of my family's gifts in
their own pattern of paper lovingly purchased at the local 'dollar store', no
tags. No gaily festooned packages, no ribbons glued in shapes resembling a
Santa or a candy cane. TIME to enjoy the holidays results from my inept and
lackidaisical attitude towards wrapping.
When she fashioned an entire half hour show around fashioning the perfectly made bed, it
was easy to see why her husband left her. It'd be about two and a half washloads
if they...ahem...'soiled' the sheets. Besides I can toss about 23 'bed in a
bags' from K-mart® on a mattress by the time she's plumped her last pillow.
I could go on, but I've got company coming in two hours and I need to get the chain saw, and
fell some trees in the woods, plane the boards and forge some nails to make a picnic table,
before painting a mural on the side of the house depicting the conquering of
man by woman with fully loaded pastry bags.
But first, let me go rebuild my engine....
