But the latest and greatest simply has to be those little boxes of jack the rippers.

You know what I mean...

It's those Biore or Ponds nose strips! Tape, strips of tape you plaster on your nose, wait a little bit, then rip it off. It pulls out all the grit and grime that's taken up residence in your pores, building little shopping centers and tract houses.

You can really see the little critters clinging to the tape, little plugs of nastiness that were sucked out of your 'clean' skin, waving in the breeze created as you scream aghast at the realization that you were housing these little snake like aliens.

And the makers of these wonder tapes knew just that. They feed upon our inborn human instinct to see the ghastly part of the world. It's the same with carnage, we can't tear our eyes away from war scenes despite the newscaster's warning that "this may be unsettling". We follow ambulances to auto accidents to see the wrecks and the victims.

They know we apply this same desire to personal hygiene. Why else do we glance in the tissue after we blow, and gaze in the john after we...Well, anyway, these nose strip geniuses have presented to us another way to inspect the wreckage of our human excretions.

My daughter even keeps a high powered lighted magnifier in the bathroom to inspect her tapes. And she shares them with the family. Somehow I'm not quite so enthused with these as I am her school awards. But it's a mother's duty...and I ooh and ahh appreciatively. "My my Lindsay, what a huge wad of pus that was!"

However, I don't even think Biore realized how addicting it would be. Until the advent of nose strips did we realize our noses had been taken over by dirt devils? Now how can you look in the mirror without seeing the clogging taking place before your very eyes? Or at least your nose. You can't stop thinking about it. Well, maybe YOU can.

You want to try steel wool, and rug cleaner, and pet stain remover, anything to exorcise the dirt demons! You even try the vacuum cleaner but to no avail. You can scrub and wash and peel and even sandpaper, but a nose strip will still bring up a parasitic plug to prove it's worth.

They recommend once a week, not more than every three days. Can you overdose? If you use them more often will you start sucking out important things from your body like sinuses or something? Is there a Nose Strip Anonymous organization with its own 12 step plan to deal with this?

And at at dollar a strip, that's 122 a year, or $122 a year. Will insurance cover this? Isn't it akin to removal of other foreign bodies like tumors and kidneys stones? If I call it dirt evacuation can I budget it under homeowner's miscellaneous?

So, I got to thinking like I sometimes do when I'm wondering why I didn't invent the Cabbage Patch Dolls or Silly Putty or the Furby. And I think perhaps I can come up with something equally thorough yet cheaper.

So I tried a self adhesive postage stamp, some scotch tape and a pink post-it note. Neither had enough 'grab' for the job. Masking tape was slightly better but left alot of residue that I had to use a nose strip to clean up.

And then, my true love MacGuyver came to mind. Out to the garage I sped to retrieve man's best friend. The dog was asleep so I got the duct tape. I thought, what the heck, all this work has gotten me a bit soiled so I used it on my whole body.

Except the two fingers I'm using to type.

And I can't reach the scissors.

Help!