A true friend would have wrote or called
Yet you could never do that,
you could never suggest such a thing.
Because we could have never have been that close ---
No Sire-ee!

Your lustful usage of my overneeding acceptance
 -- 
of not being hurt,
of not being made fun of
--
of my inability to see when I am being used.
My inability started when you were so kind, 
I drank it up
I needed more
I drank so much 
I fell in...
Never realizing
how expertly you were using me.
Only the Great Entities of the world know
how I desired our friendship
How you made me want it!

What a fool I was.
 

Then I want to tell you
I told you to rot.
Never wanting to speak or see you again.

Then...
Fool that I am,
I am compelled to write
a letter of apology.

Because thoughts of you still linger in my brain.
They haunt me in my sleep.
How your sincerity made me fall.
Made me fall for an illusion.
Something that I thought was there
but really was not.
Nothing there.
Once again I made something out of nothing....
Out of nothing at all.

The amazing thing is that
you would think I would forget,
I can’t
and as much as I do not want you to know this
I must release it.
I                      miss                      you
Plain and simple....and oh!
Oh, so very real.
I don’t know how or why,
but I miss you, I surely do.

I've never quite met anyone
unlike you
who totally leaves me confused
not knowing which way to turn.
You really screwed it all up for me.

How do I know your not some crazed
lunatic?
That your family doesn’t have some sort of mental 
illness or disease
running through you veins?

All I think of in my dreams
is the games you promised to teach me.
The survival games
the frisbee golf games.
You were always saying you would teach me some day
------
someday comes often while I sleep.
You are always teaching me how to play
I always get hurt.
You’re always sorry... never meant it.
I always say, “I can never be in a relationship
where I could never be hurt... physically,
emotionally, mentally, or verbally.  No matter what,
somehow I will be injured.”
You always reply in return, “I would never mean to hurt you
on purpose, I would always make up for it.  I never meant to hurt you.”
And then you pick me up and set me down on my feet you haven’t let
me go yet.  You giveme a great big bear hug and squeeze. Saying, “I promise.”

Like that would ever happen.
So
now
I am
unhappy.
Most of it is my own fault.
But you are in these dreams.
Either that he’s some other guy with the
Same looks
As you.

I don’t know anyone else,
with those same features.
But he is in my dreams.

Maybe I should be learning that no matter who I dencounter
I shall always be and get hurt.
Just as I keep hurting myself
with thoughts
of 
you.
 
 

                                                                 written  in December of 1994

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Rowan M. Luis