Summary: Uhura becomes the first officer of the Enterprise during Saavik's last year at the Academy.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and company. I have just borrowed them for a while, and I will not profit from any of this.

This is part one of a four-part story. It's the next installment in my continuing Spock/Uhura universe, and it follows "The Other Woman."

Feedback is desired.

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 1

Although it seemed like a lifetime since she had first taken that seat at the center of the bridge, Uhura remembered it well: the excitement warring with the nervousness, the heady sensation of knowing that finally you were there. She smiled gently as she looked at their young captain. His back was stiff and his voice was strained, but he nevertheless retained his composure. Spock must be pleased with his student's performance.

She slid her eyes toward Spock. His hands clasped loosely behind his back, the Vulcan stood, a calm and watchful island in the midst of a sea of eager activity. What was going through his mind right now? Was he as aware of her as she was of him? She had been stunned four days ago when she received her new orders, and she had tried her best since arriving yesterday to discuss them with him. It almost seemed that he had gone out of his way to avoid being alone with her, however.

Alone with his new first officer.

She shook her head, still unable to believe the rapid turn of events in her life. Only four days ago she had been busy in her role as second officer of the Lexington, unaware and unsuspecting of the life-altering missive that was traveling through space from receiver to receiver, boosted by the most innovative technologies of the 23rd century, streaming all the way from Starfleet Command to her own modest communications console on the Lexington. She, herself, had been on duty when it arrived, and she had routed it directly to her quarters without opening it. She had then promptly forgotten about it, assuming that it was yet another routine memo about some member of the Lexington's crew, or an action taking place so far away as to be meaningless to her. When she had finally found the time to hear it, she'd had to play it twice before the content penetrated her brain: she was to report to the Enterprise as the new first officer, effective immediately.

So, her mind whirling, she had packed up her belongings, said goodbye to her friends, and boarded the first shuttle headed toward Earth. The trip had been long, for the Lexington's current assignment had taken them to the furthest reaches of Federation territory, but finally she had arrived at Headquarters and accepted her new posting. That had happened last night. Since then, she'd been in a number of briefings with Spock and the other members of his senior crew, but she had not managed to find a second to be alone with him. To ask him why. Why? Why her, why now? A number of nasty rumors had drifted her way in the days before she received her orders, rumors about Spock and Helen, about a horrible scene and a vicious break-up. Although she discounted most of what she'd heard as simply too outlandish, it was clear that he and Helen were no longer a couple, and she couldn't help but think that there was a connection. He and Helen had been together for over two years. Seeing them after Spock's heart attack had persuaded Uhura that the tall, blonde archaeologist might be the woman Spock would choose for a life-mate, but evidently that wasn't to be the case. And here she was, Uhura herself, on board the Enterprise as his first officer within a week of that happening.

Her board beeped, and she quickly brought herself out of her reverie. Turning toward the young man in command, she said, "Captain, I'm receiving a message. It appears to be a distress call." She frowned as she ran her hands across her board. "I can hardly make it out."

The young man's eyes widened. "On speakers, Commander."

Crackling and popping, the disembodied voice floated onto the bridge. "Mayday, mayday. This is the Kobayashi Maru. I repeat, mayday, mayday. If you can hear me, please respond."

The young man addressed Uhura. "Open channel."

"Aye, sir." She transferred communication control to the center chair.

He leaned toward the arm of the chair. "Kobayashi Maru, this is Enterprise. We read. Repeat, we read. What is your status?"

"Enterprise! Maybe... not too late." The message faded in and out. "We hit... gravitic mine... hull breach... casualties. Our warp and impulse drives are inoperative... drifting. Quickly losing oxygen..." The static grew louder, all but drowning out the last words. "...please hurry..."

Uhura bent toward her board. "Captain, we lost them."

The captain turned to the helm. "Helmsman, check long-range scanners. What do you see?"

A rosy-cheeked young woman said, "High concentration of gases, hard to read... The Kobayashi Maru has drifted into the neutral zone, sir! I'm reading some other energy fluctuations, but I can't tell what they are."

"Could they be ships?"

"Possibly. I can't tell for certain."

Everyone waited as the captain thought about it. "Data on the Kobayashi Maru," he said.

Uhura watched a set of schematics flash onto the viewscreen while the computer's dispassionate voice recited the ship's statistics.

"Kobayashi Maru. Transport vehicle. Crew of fifty. Passenger roster of two hundred and five. Equipped with warp drive, no weapons capability."

"All right. We're going after them." The captain toggled a switch on the arm. "Sickbay, prepare to receive casualties. Helm, heading three three mark two, warp two. We'll go in quick and slip back out even quicker."

The young man at the science station said, "Captain, I have to remind you that we're in violation of neutral zone treaty if we do this."

"I know, Walken. We can't take the time to ask permission, however. You heard the message. They're running out of oxygen. The longer we wait, the more lives we endanger."

The science officer nodded and turned back to his display. "Entering neutral zone."

Everyone sat tensely, and all that could be heard was the background noise of the bridge. Even though Uhura knew what was coming, she found her own heart beating faster. She remembered how she had felt when she sat in that center chair herself, more years ago than she cared to count.

The science officer's voice shattered the silence. "Captain! Klingon Birds of Prey, four of them, on a direct heading!"

"Raise shields. Distance to Kobayashi Maru."

The young man at the science station faltered, clearly shocked at the captain's refusal to turn back. "Uh, four minutes until we're within transporter range, but it has to be a trap, sir!"

"Arm phasers, but do not fire unless fired upon. Be prepared to drop shields on my mark, and beam aboard as many survivors as possible. If it looks like we're in a losing battle, we'll leave the neutral zone, but---"

"Klingons firing, Captain!"

Everyone braced themselves as the ship was hit by the concerted phaser fire of all four Klingon ships. Uhura fancied that she could feel the floor grow warmer beneath her feet, heated by the massive energy bursts that crackled around the ship's shields.

"Captain, shields at thirty percent, but holding. One more blast like that, however---"

"Understood. Fire at will. Time to transporter range?"

The helmsman glanced at her board. "Two minutes."

"Incoming phaser fire again, Captain!"

Uhura looked up at the sound of sparks on the other side of the bridge, and saw Scotty slump back in his seat. She fought back a smile at his performance. Surely he could do better than that! After all, he had just died, and surely one's own death called for a little more drama. Spock moved quickly to Scotty's side, checked for a pulse, then gently slid him onto the floor in order to take his seat.

She jerked back to her own station when the ship shuddered again, and even though she was expecting what happened next, she couldn't suppress an involuntary little shriek when her own board erupted in sparks. Here it was--her cue. She threw her arms back vigorously as if caught in the force of the blast, but she realized as her chair began to teeter that she'd gotten a little too carried away. Frantically kicking her feet, she tried to right herself, but it was too late. The chair thudded backwards with a resounding crash and threw her to the floor. Shit! Why weren't these chairs bolted to the deck like on a real ship? Feeling foolish, she closed her eyes and acted like she'd meant to do that all along.

She heard another board explode but didn't even try to peek as she fought to catch her breath. She'd hit the floor hard. Her shoulder hurt like hell, too. She didn't think she'd broken anything, but she was going to be stiff and sore when this was over.

As invariably happened, the final moments of the test dissolved into complete pandemonium. She heard the cadets at their various stations shouting, each trying to supply the captain with that one critical little bit of information that would make a difference. Uhura knew, though, that it was useless. The Klingons would continue to fire until Spock had mercy on his trainees and stopped the simulation.

After a few more shudders and crackling bursts of sparks, she heard the alarms fade and the simulator doors part. She opened her eyes to see the boy in the captain's chair blink stupidly, shocked to find himself dragged so rudely back to reality. No one moved except for Spock, who stepped carefully over Scotty and stood in the center of the bridge.

"Trainees. To the briefing room," he said.

They filed out, no one speaking, and Scotty chuckled as he stood and followed them. Pushing the chair out of the way with her feet, Uhura rolled onto her back but decided that maybe she'd just stay here for a moment longer. It still hurt too much to try to move. She covered her face with her hands and tried to get her bearings.

A shadow fell across her eyes, and she dropped her hands to see Spock towering over her with concern in his expression.

"Commander, are you injured?"

"No, I'm fine. I think. I just got a little over-enthusiastic with my acting."

He knelt next to her. "We have never suffered an actual casualty during the administration of the Kobayashi Maru test."

She grinned ruefully. "Oh, great. A first."

"Do you wish for me to call a doctor?"

Shaking her head, she pushed herself up to a sitting position. "No, really. I'm just a little sore."

He regarded her for a moment, then stood and extended a hand. She hesitated, but soon reached out to him and found herself pulled firmly to her feet. He released her hand, then bent to right the chair.

She smiled. "Thanks."

"Think nothing of it. Might I suggest, however, that you temper your performance in the future?"

"Oh, believe me, I will. Next time, I think that a quiet, graceful death might be in order. Maybe I'll simply put my head down on my console and take a nap."

"Wise." He motioned toward the door. "The trainees are expecting us."

Together, they left the simulator.

* * * * * * * *

"Trainees, dismissed."

Spock stood and watched his students as they walked slowly from the briefing room, some of them smiling and talking, others still visibly shaken. It was fascinating to note the various reactions, and often quite surprising. One would expect that he would have learned to predict the cadets' responses with a reasonable degree of accuracy after five years of administering this test, but he found that he was no closer to understanding each individual's response now than before. Perhaps that was because humans were so unpredictable. Perhaps he would never understand human behavior.

Go away, go away. You never cared about me.

The screamed words suddenly rang in his ears almost as violently as they had the day they were uttered, and his stomach lurched with the remembered turmoil.

You have what you always wanted now, don't you? Don't you?

The picture was still vivid in his mind--her pale, lithe, naked body, slick with her exertions, her voice rising in pitch with each word, her face contorted with fury.

DON'T YOU?

He brought himself back to the moment as the last cadet walked from the room, and all he wanted was to leave, himself. He turned, but before he took the first step, a calm voice called him back.

"Spock, do you have a minute? I want to talk to you."

He slowly faced Uhura. "Very well. What do you wish to discuss?"

He heard the shrill voice again, and he remembered clearly the spittle spraying into the air. Go away! Go on, I never want to see your face again!

He took a deep breath, summoning the will to silence the ugliness, and slid into a chair across from Uhura.

"I have to know," she asked haltingly. "Why am I here?"

He paused, surprised by the bluntness of her question. "Because the Enterprise required a first officer, and you were qualified for the position."

"No, that's not what I mean. Why am I here? Why me? Did you request me?"

He frowned slightly, uncertain how to handle this. "Technically, yes I did---"

"Why?"

"---but I made the request ten point four years ago, when I left the Enterprise for a year's sabbatical to raise Saavik."

Obviously prepared to interject another comment, she closed her mouth and sat back in her seat.

"The Enterprise needed a temporary first officer while I was gone," he explained. "I thought that you were ideal for the job, but Starfleet Command did not agree that your experience was adequate. Obviously, they now think that you have accumulated sufficient experience, and they never forgot my recommendation."

She looked away. "And this is all right with you?"

The voice whispered ominously from the back of his mind. This is what you always wanted. I tried to make you love me, but I always knew it was her, her, her...

He straightened. "To be frank, no it is not. For obvious reasons, I attempted to convince Starfleet Command that someone else might be better suited, but they then questioned my opinion of your ability. Of course, you are a very capable officer and I could not allow them to think less of you, so in the end I was forced to acquiesce."

"I see." She gnawed on her lip for a moment. "So you're stuck with me."

He shrugged, unable to formulate a response.

"Do you think we can make this work?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. We have no choice."

"You're absolutely right." She sighed. "I have to ask something else. You may not want to answer it."

"Proceed."

"I heard that you and Helen stopped seeing each other."

"That is correct." He attempted to keep his face expressionless and his voice level.

"Do you want to talk about it? From what I understand, it wasn't an easy break-up. And you were with her for so long, Spock. It must be tough for you."

"'Tough'? Terminating our relationship was a logical decision. There is nothing else to discuss, Commander."

"Well, okay. If you change your mind, though, I'll be glad to listen."

He softened at her concern. "I appreciate the offer, Nyota, but truly, there is nothing to discuss. I am fine."

She smiled hesitantly. "Good enough. Well, I suppose I need to get to work. There's always a lot to do in a new job."

"Yes."

He watched as she stood and walked away, and the voice hissed, You have what you always wanted, and now I do, too.

End chapter 1

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 2

Smiling at the students and crewmembers she'd begun to recognize, Uhura carried her tray over to an empty table and sat down. After just three days at the Academy and five days on board the Enterprise, things were settling into place pretty well. She'd been nervous about working with Spock again, but they'd already lapsed into a comfortable routine that made it seem as if she'd never left the ship. Of course, once the training cruise was over they'd have to adjust to an entirely different dynamic--that of two instructors working closely in an educational institution--but she was confident that they'd do fine. And, she had to admit to herself that it was good to be near him again, her dear friend. The man she loved.

Yes, she couldn't deny that she'd never stopped loving him. She had realized that after his heart attack. When she'd rushed to San Francisco, she'd really thought that her only motivation was easing Saavik's burden, but before she'd left Earth it had become painfully obvious that her feelings were not so easily defined. She loved him but accepted the fact that they'd both moved on. She wanted to be with him yet was relieved to leave. Seeing him so happily paired with Helen had stabbed her through the heart, yet she couldn't forget the even harsher pain that had led her to end her own relationship with him. She could never go back to that. Never. Even now that he was no longer with Helen.

So, maybe redefining their relationship like this was the best of both worlds. They could be together, but only as dear friends who also functioned smoothly as a command and teaching team. It would be even better if he'd really open up to her, but he seemed determined to keep their relationship on a very clearly defined and controlled footing. Obviously all was not well with him, but until he let her help him, there was nothing she could do but watch.

Taking a bite of her muffin, she thought about what she'd seen the past few days. The sadness he carried with him was a tangible thing, almost so real that she could touch it if she dared--but of course she didn't. During those early years, before they had become lovers, it had been so easy to touch him that she'd never really given it a second thought, except to be secretly pleased that she could touch him when no one else could. In a moment of frustration, however, he had confessed that the uninvited intimacy of her casual touches had always made him uncomfortable. His words had wounded her badly, but he had made his point. Touching came naturally to her, but from now on she would resist the impulse.

Now, if only he'd let her touch him with her words. She longed to draw him out, to ease his sadness, but other than the fact that he appeared to be comforted by her presence, there was nothing she could do. His break-up with Helen might be a closed book as far as he was concerned, but it was obvious that he couldn't put it on the shelf.

A jovial voice distracted her from her thoughts. "Good morning, lassie. I've hardly had a chance to talk with ye since you came on board. How do you like being back on the Enterprise?"

She smiled as Scotty seated himself next to her. "It's great. I love it. As a matter of fact, I'm going to be sorry when this training cruise ends."

"Aye, me too, but we'll be back out here before ye know it. Normally we take the graduating class out in two batches, but there were so many this year that we decided to break them into three. Plus, do not forget that we're a fully rated vessel with a captain, first officer, chief engineer, and medical staff. You never know when we might be called into duty. It's happened before."

"I know! One of the first things I did when I learned of my new posting was to catch up on your duty logs. I was surprised to see that you've actually had a few interesting missions. And Captain Spock and I were talking about the size of the graduating class yesterday. From what I understand, we'll have to squeeze six weeks of training into four for each group, since we have to get them all through in twelve weeks. It sounds like a real challenge."

"It will be, but now that you're on the team I'm sure we'll be able to do it. Let me tell you, Spock was very concerned before you arrived. He might act like nothing bothers him, but with all he's had to deal with recently..."

Obviously thinking he'd said too much, he suddenly became very interested in his breakfast.

"It's okay. I know about Helen."

"Och, I'm glad to hear it. I would not want to be divulging any information." He leaned closer, quickly dismissing any attempt at discreet reluctance. "Then ye know that it was very ugly."

"Scotty, that's just a rumor. It has to be! I've heard all sorts of awful things, but I don't believe ninety-nine percent of them. Do you?"

"The stories are hard to ignore, lass. Chekov knows someone who knows an acquaintance of hers, and evidently Helen was spewing venom. I believe that something big did happen, and she could not keep her mouth shut afterwards. I was shocked. Shocked! To behave in such a manner. Evidently, I misjudged her. Anyone who would speak so disrespectfully of our Mr. Spock is no lady in my book."

"Do you know exactly what she said?"

"Aye, that she hated him and never wanted to see him again. That he had mistreated her, and she'd wasted too many years on him. In particular, that she'd had enough of his 'Vulcan mind games,' and that he could go to Hell as far as she was concerned."

Uhura frowned. "She said that? Surely not. That's so heated, and to be honest, she seemed too cold and self-contained for passion like that. I can't imagine such words coming out of her mouth."

"I thought the same thing. Whatever it was that happened, it must have been truly horrific."

Picking at her food, Uhura felt a tightness in her chest at the thought that the stories might be possibly be true. If so, that would certainly explain why Spock was so withdrawn. Had Helen really made him out to be such a horrible villain? Granted, she'd learned through personal experience that he could be obstinate and difficult, but he didn't deserve such hatred. Not gentle, kind, considerate Spock.

She met Scotty's eyes as he shook his head in disgust. "He is too good for the likes of her," he said.

Unwilling to comment, she pressed her lips together and looked back down at her plate. They sat quietly while Scotty finished his breakfast, then rose to begin the day.

* * * * * * * *

Spock sat down at his desk. "Computer, extract cumulative efficiency ratings of cadets, group one, dating to beginning of current training interval. Flag any drops greater than point-five percent."

Earlier today, he had noticed that two of the students appeared to be struggling with their work, and he wished to determine whether it was simply a one-time occurrence or a trend. He would be exceedingly displeased with himself if he had missed an ongoing problem, but it was possible that his attention had been divided recently. When the results appeared on his screen, however, he nodded with satisfaction. All efficiency ratings had improved steadily. The computer detected no drops.

He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

You never wanted me.

The obscene sound of flesh slapping against flesh.

Don't deny it. Do you think I didn't know when you finally couldn't take that decisive step toward me?

Alarm, then stunned disbelief.

Every time you pulled away from me, it was just another millimeter you moved toward her. Did she like it? Did she like it when you invaded her mind, when you used her to fill your needs? Did she ask for it, crave it, beg for it?

The intimate scents of perspiration and semen.

What do you think, Spock? Raw sex, two bodies coming together with no mind invasion, no subtleties, no nuances. Does it repulse you? Shock you? Did you even know that this is what I wanted?

Backing away, wanting only to escape.

That's it, run away. She'll be right back within your reach, right by your side. So run away, run back to her, leave me alone!

Nausea, a flight he scarcely remembered, a desire to reach the shelter of his own home, the inability to discern what had happened, and why.

Enough.

Swallowing hard, he opened his eyes and faced the computer again. It was time to work.

* * * * * * * *

Uhura paused outside his quarters. Her talk with Scotty had haunted her all day, but she knew that she couldn't approach Spock about it. What would she say? That she and Scotty had been discussing his personal life, and she was worried? That Helen had been saying awful things about him, and she thought it was unfair? He probably only wanted to be left alone, but unfortunately she needed to talk to him and she couldn't put it off until tomorrow.

She signaled her presence, and smiled carefully when the door slid open and she saw him sitting at his desk, evidently deeply immersed in his work.

"Come in, Commander. Please sit."

"Thank you, Captain. I wanted to discuss Cadets Hussing and Delgado. I thought they both seemed overwhelmed by their duties today."

"I noticed their difficulties as well, but their efficiency ratings have not suffered. I found no cause for concern, although I do intend to monitor them closely."

"I checked their efficiency ratings, too, but I'm not sure that's enough. From what I've seen so far, they're both bright students but a little unstable. I'd like to do what I can to ward off any problems before they start."

"I see." He folded his hands on his desk. "What did you have in mind?"

"Oh, nothing much. I thought I'd spend some time with each of them, one on one. Delgado, in particular, gave herself a very low rating on the Kobayashi Maru test, and I wanted to make sure she understands that the Kobayashi Maru throws everyone into a tailspin. Her performance didn't cause us to lose confidence in her."

"I informed the trainees in their debriefing that the Kobayashi Maru is considered a no-win situation. I concede the possibility that she might need additional counseling, however, and your plan seems reasonable."

"Believe me, I think everyone could use additional counseling after taking that test. Don't you remember how disconcerting it was to think that you were sharp enough to handle anything, and then have to admit utter failure?"

"I never took the Kobayashi Maru test."

She sat back in her seat and dropped both hands onto the armrests. "What? You're teaching it, and you never even took it?"

"Correct. The simulators were off-line when I was scheduled to take the test, and our instructor fell behind. As I recall, I was one of six students who missed the opportunity."

She grinned. "Well, I think we need to put you in that center seat sometime. You need to see for yourself just how awful it is!"

"Ah. Am I to understand that you encountered difficulty with the Kobayashi Maru scenario?"

"Oh, it was terrible." She covered her face in mock embarrassment. "I could see that it was a trap and refused to go in. By the greatest coincidence, communications were restored and I was allowed to hear the crew and passengers of the Kobayashi Maru die horrible deaths. My instructor nailed me, too, for being overly cautious."

He raised an eyebrow. "I am surprised to hear this, Commander. You have always struck me as the type of individual who would simply state 'damn the torpedoes' and charge into a precarious situation."

"Believe me, I've replayed that scenario in my head a thousand times, and I always try to save everyone. I swore to myself that from that day on, I would go into every situation full steam ahead. I would do it all the way or not do it at all--no halfways for me. And I think I've lived by that pledge."

"Indeed you have."

She smiled at him, glad to hear the amusement in his voice. Soon, however, he looked away, and she knew that the moment had passed. Time to get on with business.

"Could you take a few minutes to familiarize me with the cadets that aren't on board yet?" she asked. "I've looked over their records, but I'd like some more personalized descriptions so that I can get to know them."

"Of course. If you will join me by the computer, I will display their images on the screen as we talk."

She dragged her chair around the desk as he called up an alphabetical listing of the graduating class.

End chapter 2

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 3

Alone in his office at the Academy, Spock placed his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers. His computer screen beckoned brightly near his forearm, but he looked beyond it into the dark, glittery night.

Exactly thirty Standard days had passed since he had last seen Helen, and he found that he could think of the disastrous ending of their relationship with a more rational perspective now. If he allowed his control to slip, he knew that the ache in his chest would return, but he also knew that it would be only a dull ache now, no more, no less. The dizzying, confusing, sharply painful sensations of before had passed.

Only recently had he discovered that he could deconstruct the ending of their relationship into a number of components. He had not seen that before, but now it was clear, and the starkest truth was that Helen was not entirely responsible for all that had gone wrong. Such a truth was difficult to admit, but it was nevertheless a fact he could not deny.

He had asked much of her, while knowing all along that she could not provide what he asked--intimacy, warmth, laughter. It was highly ironic that those things he desired from her were the very things Uhura had desired from him. Perhaps this was what humans referred to as 'getting a taste of one's own medicine.' Saavik had told him from the beginning that Helen was an illogical choice for him because of the very qualities that had first attracted him--her brilliant coolness, her perfectly self-contained composure, her undeniable belief in her own glittering intelligence.

She was a logical choice, he told himself.

And, when the time came, his Time, he convinced himself that she was still a logical choice.

Even now, he found it difficult to believe that in the end, she was not a logical choice. Perhaps, however, that was also not her fault. Looking back, he saw that there were moments in which she would have warmed to him, opened herself more fully to him, had he only encouraged her. Instead, however, he would become irritated with her attempt to be someone she was not. He did not understand why, but it was obvious to him now that it had happened repeatedly. He had asked her to be something she was not, yet squelched any possibility that she might grow to be what he wanted. Illogical.

The warning signs leading up to their crisis were obvious. He could see them now. Could it be that he had seen them then and ignored them? Why would he do such a thing? Although still a 'couple,' he and she had effectively already ceased communicating when the news came of Uhura's transfer to the Enterprise. Therefore, he could not blame that alone for Helen's reaction. Helen seemed to think that he had somehow engineered Uhura's return. He had never realized how much Uhura threatened this confident, self-possessed woman he had believed he knew so well. His casual mention of who was to be his new first officer, however, had caused her insecurity to explode into the already-faltering dynamics of their relationship, and to derail it entirely. Clearly, that fateful conversation was the true end, not the incident that caused him to finally walk away from her forever.

Touching his index fingers to his lips as he stared out the window, he transferred his attention to a conversation from earlier today, a very odd conversation that refused to leave his thoughts. He had called Vulcan to converse with his mother, but she had not been home and he had talked to his father instead. His parents had met Helen on several occasions, and while they had kept their opinions to themselves, he thought that they had been less than pleased. Of course, he had mentioned the ending of his relationship, but they had withheld comment about that, as well. Therefore, it was rather unexpected that his father would mention it today.

Sarek had said very little, and what he did say was enigmatic. "My son," he had intoned. "Over the years, I have devoted a great deal of thought to my original choice of mate for you, and I will admit that perhaps my decision was poor. It is up to you, therefore, to make the correct decision, and it concerns me that you have apparently allowed your judgment to be clouded by factors that are ultimately inconsequential."

Spock had raised an eyebrow. "It was my impression that you and Mother did not approve of Helen. I am therefore surprised to hear you say this."

"It is not Helen of whom I speak. All I ask, my son, is that you revisit certain decisions of your past and ensure that you understand your true motivations."

"I see. Thank you for the advice, Father. I shall allow it due consideration."

Sarek had nodded, and that had been the end of it. Of course, Spock could only assume that Sarek referred to the termination of his relationship with Commander Uhura, but Sarek never knew all the details. He did not know that Uhura, herself, had ended it. No doubt Amanda had relayed Spock's reservations about pon farr and his ability to make Uhura happy, and Sarek believed that the initial decision to end the relationship had come from Spock. No matter. In the end, the decision had been mutual. It was unusual, however, for Sarek to broach such a topic and imply that Spock had assigned undue importance to his various concerns.

He unlaced his fingers and allowed his hands to rest on the desktop. He could accomplish nothing further at the moment by thinking about his problems with Helen and his conversation with his father. He would meditate later, and continue his attempt to understand why and where he had failed with Helen. Now, however, he knew that Uhura would be expecting him, so he turned off his computer and left his office for the night.

Fascinating, how quickly it had become habit for him to share a late cup of tea with Commander Uhura. She also preferred to work late, citing the peace and quiet of the evening. Sometimes she would join him in his office, but more often, he would come to her. They would review their respective days and their plans for the next, or discuss various students' progress. Then, invariably, they would exit the building together and part company as each headed toward his or her own home.

Reaching her doorway, he waited until she noticed him. Her dark head was bent over her work, and as he watched, she chewed on the end of her stylus. He had often pointed out how illogical it was to bite something that was never intended to be bitten. Not only was such an action hard on the stylus, but he feared she might actually damage her teeth someday. She always agreed with his observations but never did anything to change her habits. So, he had simply learned to surreptitiously ensure that the stylus closest to her hand was the one that was pre-chewed. He theorized that it would be less harmful to her teeth, and at any rate, there was no need to inflict damage on a new stylus.

Finally, she glanced up and smiled. "Hi. Come on in. I was just looking over the script for tomorrow's Kobayashi Maru."

He seated himself at the other side of her desk. "I directed the computer to remove one of the Birds of Prey. In my opinion, the last scenario ended too quickly."

"Yes, I agree." She tapped the stylus against her chin. "Instead of taking away one of the Klingon ships, though, how about increasing the length of time between their attacks? I was thinking that I'd like to see how the captain reacts to those extra moments of uncertainty when it looks like the Klingons might try something different."

"That is an excellent idea. It would lengthen the duration of the test and allow the captain more opportunity for creative thinking." He pointed toward her computer. "May I?"

"Sure. Come on around. Would you like some tea while you work?"

"Yes, thank you."

He experimented with the parameters of the Kobayashi Maru scenario while she prepared the tea. Soon, she joined him, and they became deeply involved in programming tomorrow's test.

* * * * * * * *

There was someone with her, a man.

She couldn't see his face, but she knew it was someone who touched her, someone who made her feel wanted and cherished, someone she desired very much. They were sitting together, eating a simple meal and talking, completely alone in the middle of a sea of surrounding voices and activity. She laughed, but as she laughed the scene shifted, and suddenly the room was dark, foggy, indistinct. She was wearing her nightgown--no she was wearing nothing--and the body next to her was warm, hard, and masculine. It was the same man, yet it wasn't. They were in the same place, yet it was different. The people seemed to still be all around yet they weren't. No one was watching, no one was listening. The man touched her.

He touched her everywhere. He touched her breasts, he touched her face, and she pushed herself against him when his hand wandered between her legs. With a sudden rush, she felt herself swept away in the throes of a shattering orgasm, and as his body shifted to cover her own, she felt his heartbeat against her side. His quick, shallow heartbeat murmured against her side.

Her side!

Jolted awake, she sat up in bed and tried to slow her racing heart.

It was a dream, only a dream. She was all alone, alone in her own bed, alone in her own room, alone in her own home.

She ran her hand across her forehead and felt the clammy moistness of perspiration, and when she shifted slightly on the bed, she felt a warmer, more intimate moistness between her legs. She groaned and settled back down onto her pillow, and wondered how long it had been since a heartbeat in a man's side had actually seemed more right to her than a heartbeat in the middle of a man's chest.

* * * * * * * *

Spock stood at the back of the bridge and noticed that Cadet Ng was actually gripping the command chair so rigidly that his knuckles had turned an alarming shade of white.

Directly to his left, he heard Commander Uhura's board beep.

"Captain, I'm receiving a message. It's badly garbled, but it appears to be a distress call."

"Could you put it on speaker, Commander?" Ng said, his voice overly loud.

"Aye, Captain."

"Mayday, mayday. This is the Kobayashi Maru. I repeat, mayday, mayday. If you can hear me, please respond."

The young man addressed Uhura. "Open channel."

Spock seated himself at the tactical station as Uhura transferred communications to the center chair. Some time ago, he had discovered that the cadets always spoke among themselves about the parameters of the test. While he knew that such a tendency was regrettably natural, he had been disconcerted to learn that one of their primary concerns was invariably his own placement during the scenario. Therefore, he now carefully positioned himself differently each time.

Ng cleared his throat. "Kobayashi Maru, this is, uh, Captain Ng of the starship Enterprise. We received your message."

"Enterprise! Maybe... not too late." As always, the voice faded in and out. "We hit... gravitic mine... hull breach... casualties. Our warp and impulse drives are inoperative... drifting. Quickly losing oxygen... please hurry..."

"Captain, we lost them," said Uhura.

Ng looked at his science officer. "Could I have information on the Kobayashi Maru?"

The young woman at the science station read from her console. "The Kobayashi Maru is a transport ship with a crew of fifty and over two hundred passengers. They have a warp drive but no weapons."

"We're going in after them," said Ng.

Spock could not resist a small sigh. "Captain, would it not be prudent to scan the area first?"

"Oh! Yes! Helmsman, scan the area and tell me what you find."

Everyone was silent as the helmsman bent over his scanner. Finally, he said, "The Kobayashi Maru is in the neutral zone, sir. It's hard to read, but I see some energy fluctuations. They could be other ships, or they could be nothing."

Ng hesitated, obviously still shaken by his omission moments before. Finally, he said, "Commander Uhura, notify sickbay of possible casualties, and relay to Kobayashi Maru that we are coming to their assistance."

"Yes, sir."

"Helm? Take us in on a direct heading, impulse only. Continue to scan for any unusual energy readings."

The helmsman nodded. "We are now entering the neutral zone, Captain. No sign of... Wait! Captain, four Klingon ships! They're heading toward us and arming photon torpedoes."

Ng sat straight. "Shields up! Arm photon torpedoes, but do not vary from course. Fire at will!"

Spock gripped the console as the simulator shook from the supposed phaser fire.

"Status!" barked Ng.

Spock listened as each student reported from his or her respective station. Very good. He would have to ensure he told Commander Uhura that lengthening the test allowed him to better observe his students' performances.

Soon, however, the science officer shouted, "Klingons firing again, Captain!"

This time, sparks flew from the engineering console, and Mr. Scott removed himself from the scenario by closing his eyes and placing his head on his board. Spock turned toward Uhura, curious to see how she chose to perform this time. She met his eyes briefly and couldn't hide a tiny smile, and an instant later cried out and placed her head on her console, just as she had said she would. Only three seconds later, sparks erupted from his own console, so he slid from his chair and stretched out on the floor. He did not always choose to "die" during the scenario, preferring sometimes to observe until the very end, but he also knew that his own death had quite an effective impact on the cadet currently in command of the bridge.

Finally, Spock spoke loudly enough to be heard over the surrounding chaos. "Computer, end Kobayashi Maru scenario."

The alarms ceased, and he stood as the simulator doors parted. His students had done well. He could not ignore Ng's early lapse, but in his opinion, the cadet's composure later in the test was more than sufficient to redeem his performance. He met the young man's eyes, then said, "Trainees. To the briefing room."

The trainees quietly left the room. He moved close to Commander Uhura and murmured, "I see that you chose a more peaceful end this time."

"Oh yes, I've decided that's the way to go. No pain, no drama. I highly recommend it."

He raised an amused eyebrow as they fell into step together and left the simulator.

End chapter 3

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 4

"Why don't we rotate Montoya from stellar cartography to engineering? Her grasp of warp theory is really weak, and maybe it'll help if she sees how it's applied."

Uhura handed her padd to Spock, then reached for her tea as she watched him consider her suggestion. Almost through their second training cruise, they were having to work late in order to plan the upcoming crew rotations. It was something that should have been done two weeks ago, but their compressed schedule had forced them to make certain adjustments, such as postponing this task. She didn't mind working now, though. She figured that they'd be sharing their usual late-night cup of tea even if they didn't have work to do.

Spock leaned his forearms on his desk as he studied her padd. "I believe that this would be satisfactory, but we will have to ensure that Scott monitors her progress closely. I would not wish her to become further confused."

"Good point. I'll make a note of it."

She reached for her padd, but she realized too late that Spock had not relinquished it yet and her fingers brushed against his own. Her cheeks grew warm as she yanked her hand back.

"Oops, sorry."

He raised an eyebrow as he regarded her. "For what?"

"For touching you," she stammered. "I know how you, uh, dislike that."

"I am not offended."

They looked at one another for a long moment, but finally he slid the padd across the desktop in her direction. Grateful for the distraction, she picked it up and made her note for Scotty. What an idiotic thing to do! She should have just acted like nothing happened instead of making such a big deal out of it. When she had felt his fingers touch hers, though, she'd become flustered, just like when she'd first seen him on the morning after her erotic dream.

The erotic dream! She hadn't thought about that for weeks. Why did she have to think about it now? She pulled her padd up close to her nose, hiding from him while she desperately tried to get the sexy, disturbing images out of her mind. His heartbeat against her side, those long fingers touching her everywhere... A warmth crept into her belly to match the heat radiating from her face, and she couldn't resist sneaking just a peek at him.

He was watching her curiously. "Commander? Is there a problem?"

Her eyes growing wide, she said, "A problem? What kind of problem?"

Gesturing toward the padd in her hands, he said, "With the cadet roster."

"Oh, yes, maybe so." She quickly keyed up the schedule for recycling services. "Here, take a look at this."

He accepted the padd, and she breathed a sigh of relief as he transferred his attention from her to the schedule. This would not do--not at all. She pulled her chair closer to the desk and forced herself to concentrate on the work at hand.

* * * * * * * *

Much later that night, Spock knelt on his meditation mat. Instead of closing his eyes, however, he looked down at his hand. Her touch had been accidental, but it had brought back so much. How she used to touch him so easily, and how he had destroyed her confidence in her own impunity to the distance he imposed on everyone else.

What had happened in his life? She had once been his, and he had thrown it all away. Helen had once been his, and he had undermined their relationship until she had finally retaliated. His conversation with Sarek still echoed through his mind, and the more he pondered it, the more confused he became. His father had told him to understand, but what? His mistakes? He knew he had made mistakes. He had certainly made many with Helen.

Where, exactly, did he go wrong with Helen? He understood now that he had wanted her to be something she was not, but he had known from the beginning exactly what she was. So why, then, had he pursued her? What was his motivation? He had wanted intimacy, but she had wanted him at arm's length. He wanted warmth, but she was cold. He wanted to hear the sound of easy laughter, he wanted to look into gentle eyes, he wanted to share the pure joy of living, he wanted...

Everything he had once possessed with Nyota.

Could it be that he had known it all along? He had desired so much from Helen, yet whenever she showed any willingness to be what he wanted, he had become irritated with her. He would push her away. He would escape. Was it because he knew that no matter what she became, she could still never be what he truly wanted? He had thought she was the logical choice for him, with her unemotional, unsentimental brilliance, but perhaps that was the problem from the very start.

He thought.

He did not feel.

He felt now. He felt the urge to be with Nyota when he first rose in the morning. He felt lost when she was not on the bridge by his side. He felt pleasure when she joined him in the evening, and he felt empty when she returned to her quarters and left him alone.

But--he and she had encountered so many problems before. He knew that he had hurt her. He knew she would be wary. He knew she would have a number of logical reasons why they should not resume a closer relationship. However, he had made the choice between "feeling" and "knowing" with Helen, and he had made a terrible mistake.

This time, he would choose correctly.

* * * * * * * *

Uhura pulled her chair around Spock's desk so that she could see his computer screen. They had worked late into the evening once again, but they were finally only minutes away from completing the cadet assignments for the upcoming weeks. Then, they'd have to catch up on the efficiency reports they'd neglected for the last two weeks.

She nodded her approval and said, "The communications department looks good. Who's next?"

"Engineering."

"Okay."

As they studied the screen, he broke off a tiny bunch of grapes and cradled them in his hand. She'd brought a variety of fruit from Earth, but the grapes were their favorite. As a matter of fact, they'd been snacking on them every night and the grapes were almost gone. Maybe tomorrow they'd start on the strawberries.

He pulled off a single grape and put it in his mouth, and she had to stifle a smile at his methodical approach. She, herself, would randomly grab a handful of grapes and pop them into her mouth from the hand that held them, but Spock would invariably determine the optimum place to break the stem, then hold the grapes in one hand so he could neatly remove one, and precisely one, at a time with the other hand.

"Engineering looks good to me," she said. "Did you have any concerns?"

"No. Let us proceed to the bridge roster."

While he keyed up the next list, she grabbed another handful of grapes. One escaped and rolled across the desk, but she quickly retrieved it and looked back at the screen. She read in silence for several moments, but gradually she realized that Spock wasn't reading it with her. Instead, he was sitting back in his chair, watching her.

Grinning crookedly, she asked, "What are you doing?"

"I am remembering what it was like when you used to touch me," he replied.

All she could do was blink and stare as the smile faded from her face. Had he just said what she thought he'd said? Abruptly, however, she realized that grapes were bouncing onto the desk, into her lap, across the floor... In her shock, she'd allowed her hand to fall open and she'd dropped the grapes all over the place.

"Oh my God!" She fell to her knees and began trying to round them up. "I can't believe I did that! All these grapes---"

"Nyota."

The grapes were under her knees, and she had to shift to keep from squashing them.

"Nyota."

She crawled away from the desk, so he got down on his hands and knees next to her.

"Nyota. Look at me."

She ducked her head. "They're rolling all over the place. I'll never find them all!"

"Do not concern yourself about the grapes." Capturing her hand in his, he took the grapes she'd collected and placed them on the floor behind him. "Please, look at me."

Her heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it would leap out of her chest, and she had to remind herself to breathe. Finally, she dared to meet his eyes, but she couldn't speak.

"Do you remember?" he asked earnestly. "Do you remember how you used to brush your fingers against the back of my hand, or rest your hand on my shoulder whenever you were near?"

She finally found her voice. "What are you saying?"

They were both still on their hands and knees, their faces just centimeters apart.

"Telling you that I disliked your touch was a mistake, just one of many I made with you. I was afraid, Nyota, afraid of so much, and I said something that I did not mean. Now, however, I wish to put it right. I do want you to touch me easily again, and so much more. Is it even a possibility?"

"I... I don't know." Realizing awkwardly that she was still on her hands and knees, she sat back on her heels and pushed her hair away from her face. "I still don't understand. You're going to have to spell it out for me."

"Very well." He mirrored her posture. "I wish to share my life with you. I wish to hear your laugh, and I wish to feel your touch. I want to hold you close at night, and to know each morning when I awake that you will be there. I want you, Nyota. Only you."

She closed her eyes, her heart soaring but her limbs so shaky that she didn't know how she could just sit here like this. Here, on the floor with Spock, listening to him tell her he wanted her back. More than anything, she longed to tell him yes. Yes! That she loved him, that she'd do anything to be close to him again, but she remembered her anguish from before. She couldn't go through that again.

"I don't know, Spock. There was so much that wasn't right between us. I just can't do it again."

"I will make it right this time. What must I do?"

"You have to be honest with me."

He nodded once, decisively. "I will tell you anything you wish to know."

"What happened to you? Back when we were together. We were so good for so long, but gradually you pulled away from me. You changed. You couldn't be honest with me anymore. I saw it very clearly, and it hurt so bad that you might as well have just slapped me in the face. And it confused me that you could never tell me why."

"You are correct. I was not honest with you. From the beginning, I concealed something from you. Something important."

"Something about you? About your past?"

"My past. My future. The past and future of every Vulcan male, and the person he chooses as his mate. It is shameful that I have never told you this, and I will understand if you cannot forgive me for withholding it from you. It is something you should have known."

Her voice scarcely more than a whisper, she said, "Just tell me."

"It is called pon farr, the time of mating. Specifically, a Vulcan male must endure it roughly every seventh year of his adult life." He paused. "Please understand that it is very difficult for me to speak of this."

She nodded. "Go on."

"During this time, we lose all control. We become violent, with only one thought--procreation. At its height, it is called the plak tow, or blood fever, and the drive to mate becomes so strong that a Vulcan male will allow nothing to stand in his way. He will kill, if necessary, and relish doing so. It is a time of pure, unbridled lust and passion."

He looked away, and his words rang in her ears.

Violence. Murder. Lust. Passion.

All this, in one package? No wonder Vulcans couldn't speak of it. She shook her head, trying to comprehend. Was Spock talking about himself? This was something he had to endure? Was he speaking from experience?

Soon, he resumed. "It is shameful, to be so stripped of our logic, but it is something we cannot control. A bonded couple will enter pon farr together when the female ovulates. An unbonded male, or a male who is bonded to someone who does not ovulate such as another male, will still succumb to the pressures of the cycle. It merely becomes less predictable. If a bonded male cannot reach his mate, he will die. For an unbonded male, we must simply say that it is highly unpleasant, but not necessarily a sentence of death. There are ways to circumvent it, unreliable methods that may or may not work. But even though it is possible to survive, one may come to desire death before it is over."

Her stomach churning, she asked, "You?"

"Yes. I have had three pon farrs."

Bowing her head, she squeezed her eyes shut, not sure she wanted to know. He'd told her this much, however... They had to keep going. Swallowing, she asked, "What happened?"

"The first occurred early in my first mission under Admiral Kirk. As you know, I was bonded to T'Pring. Foolishly, I felt the stirring of my blood but ignored it, until it was almost too late for me to return to her in time. I thought... I hoped that my human blood would spare me."

"And we rushed you to Vulcan." Comprehension dawning, she remembered that time--the confusing orders, the hushed voices.

"Correct. When I arrived, however, T'Pring did not want me. As was her right, she chose a champion for a fight to the death with me. T'Pring, always coldly logical, did not name her true choice, Stonn. She chose Admiral Kirk."

"What?" Uhura frowned. "She chose Admiral Kirk? Why?"

"Her reasoning was flawlessly logical. If I battled Stonn and won, she would lose Stonn, but if I battled the Admiral, either he would win or I would win. If he won, he would not want her. If I won, either I would release her, or claim her and return to space. Her situation would remain unchanged in only that last scenario. Therefore, she thought it worthwhile to challenge. In the end, I won because Dr. McCoy intervened, drugging Admiral Kirk so that we would all think he had died. The battle had assuaged my fever, and I found that I no longer felt any desire for her at all. I released her and returned to the ship thinking I had killed my friend."

"If I understand this correctly, she thought that she was abandoning you to certain death. Why couldn't she try to work something out sooner?"

Spock shrugged, but did not comment. Finally, Uhura asked, "So, seven years later---"

"Actually, it was eight point four. As I said, the seven-year cycle is only approximate."

"So, eight point four years later, what happened?"

"I was unbonded. When my Time came, I called on the meditative disciplines I had learned from the Masters at Gol. I survived, but it was an experience I do not wish to repeat. Frankly, I am not certain I could repeat it. I came very close to losing my life then, and I was younger. Now, I anticipate that I would die."

She felt her chest grow tight at the thought of Spock, alone, trying to endure something that his biological drive insisted he must share, hoping that the hard-won lessons he had brought back from his ordeal in the Vulcan desert would see him through. This would have been shortly after he came back to Starfleet, sometime right before he and she had become involved. Suddenly, she counted the years, and she realized what must have happened with the third pon farr.

"Oh, Spock." Her voice was shaky, and she had to pause to regain her composure. "You went into pon farr after you and I broke up, and you were seeing..." She closed her eyes, unwilling to admit that he had shared this with Helen, when he hadn't even been able to bring himself to describe it to her.

A long silence stretched between them. Finally, he said, "I am sorry, truly sorry. I thought it logical that I attempt to bond with Helen. When the time came, however, I simply could not do it. I am not proud of myself. My intentions were good, but the end result was that I only used her to survive."

"Did you love her?"

"No. She seemed to be a logical mate for me, and I thought I could make it work on that basis. But she knew. She knew before I did that I would ultimately be unable to turn to her. During the plak tow, I was anchorless. I was searching, but I could not find. There was no joy between us, Nyota, only a wall I did not attempt to breach. She disliked the prolonged intimacy, and she found my intrusions into her mind distasteful. Our relationship never had the proper foundation, but I did not realize it until that foundation began to crumble."

She chewed her lip as she tried to decide how much to tell him. "I heard that the two of you had a big scene. Was that it? Did she turn you away when you needed her?"

"No. She endured it. She hated every moment, but she endured it and subjected me to a great deal of discomfort in the process. That was only the beginning of the long, slow dissolution of our relationship. After that, she put on a very effective act for the sake of the public. Everyone who knew us thought that we still a 'happy couple,' but our private lives were strained. Or rather, I should say that she found it difficult to be alone with me. I, on the other hand, continued to pretend that everything was well between us, even in private. Perhaps I noted her distance, but she had always been distant. I refused to see that what I had perceived as coolness was actually coldness, and I deceived myself into thinking that we still had a viable relationship."

She had to ask. She wasn't sure she really wanted to know, but she had to ask. "So what finally caused it to end, Spock? Did something awful happen? Was there a terrible scene?"

"Yes, most definitely." He made a noise that almost sounded like a bitter chuckle. "'Terrible scene' describes it quite aptly. She and I had made plans to attend a fund-raiser in Mexico City together, but at the last moment, I was detained at the Academy. I called her, and we agreed that she would attend alone. I closed the conversation by stating that I would see her the following weekend. We were both very busy, and it was often difficult to find time together."

"Go on."

"At the last moment," he said haltingly, "my meeting was canceled, so I decided that I could attend the fundraiser after all. I called both her apartment and her office, and I received no answer at either place. Because it was not unusual for her to disregard communications at her office, I deduced that I could find her there. I arrived at the museum after it had closed for the day. The main building was dark, so she obviously was not working on any of the exhibits. No one was there, not even the cleaning staff. I let myself in and walked toward the administrative offices. When I opened the door to the back hallway, I saw a single light at the end--Helen's office. I had located her. As I approached, however, I heard..." He took a heavy breath. "I heard the sounds of sexual intercourse. I became alarmed. The building was empty and she was unprotected. I thought that she was being assaulted. I ran down the hallway, burst into her office, and pulled the man off her. She began screaming at me, stating that..."

He blinked and pressed his lips together, obviously finding it difficult to continue. Uhura wanted to hold him, to tell him that it was all right and that no one should have treated him like this, but instead she remained silent. As horrible as it was, she had to hear the whole story. Finally, he continued.

"She said that she hated me. She told me that she knew I had always wanted... something else, and that she had decided that she did, too. She wanted the pure meeting of two bodies without the 'twisted, repulsive mind-intrusion' I desired. She maintained that I finally had what I wanted, and now she was going to get what she wanted, too. By this point, I had backed to the doorway, and it was all too easy to simply turn and flee, her words following me until I closed the outer door and escaped."

"Oh, Spock." Uhura didn't know what to say.

He leaned closer, suddenly intense. "Do you wish to know what she meant, when she said that I finally got what I had always wanted?"

She paused, surprised by his change in demeanor, but he continued before she could respond.

"She learned that you were to be my first officer. I never understood how severely you threatened her, but when I casually gave her the news, she became highly upset. It was just days before this incident. She claimed that I had engineered the situation simply so that I could be near you once again. My discovery of her infidelity might have been the decisive end of our relationship, but the effective end was the day she told me to change your orders and I refused. Do you see, Nyota? She understood before I did that it was you I wanted, never her."

Uhura shook her head and turned away. "This is too much to assimilate. I don't know what to think. Are you sure you aren't just coming to me on the rebound? Helen hurt you badly."

"The fact of the matter is that while she might have shocked me, she did not particularly hurt me. When I understood where I had failed with her, I also understood that I did not care about her anymore. I am not coming to you on the 'rebound.' I am coming to you because I want you. I always have. And I always will."

Her back still to him, she ran her fingers through her hair. "A part of me has always longed to hear you say this, Spock, but it's just too much. My head is spinning."

They were both quiet as she thought about all he'd told her. He'd caught Helen having sex with another man, and he insisted that he wasn't coming to her, Uhura, on the rebound. This was hard to accept--Spock wasn't exactly the most self-aware guy she'd ever known. In addition, he'd carried around a huge, huge secret while they were together, a mating cycle that would have eventually affected her, too. Suddenly, she realized that they hadn't pursued the discussion about pon farr to its end.

She turned toward him. "So what happens when a male is bonded to a female who ovulates more often than every seven years? Say, every month?"

"Obviously, medical intervention is necessary, or the male would soon succumb to the constant strain."

She couldn't help but smile a little. "But what a way to go."

"Indeed."

Her smile faded as she had another thought. "You'll have to deal with this again in another six years or so. Are you feeling pressure now to find someone who can help you avoid a solitary pon farr? Is that why you're coming back to me?"

He nodded. "It is one reason."

Unable to hide her dismay, she said, "You know that I'd do anything I could to help you, but I need to be more than just a... a receptacle."

"Ah." He slid closer. "Nyota, I come to you because I cannot envision myself sharing the experience with anyone else. As a matter of fact, I must confess that I could not avoid thinking of you when I was with Helen. One's thoughts during plak tow are quite rambling, and it is sometimes difficult to distinguish fantasy from reality. I attempted to shield it from Helen, but I have no doubt that she was all too aware of my thoughts about you."

She felt a little thrill of triumph at the thought that he'd fantasized about her while having sex with Helen, but it was quickly replaced by another, sickening image: Spock, passionate and out-of-control, making love to another woman. Violent, demanding, full of lust---

Abruptly, she remembered their trip to England. The sex had become rough one night. He'd used his strength to pound into her as hard as he could, gripping her so tightly he had left hand prints on her hips. Afterward, he'd been shaken, far more disturbed by the experience than she was. He'd begun to retreat from her after that night, and he hadn't stopped retreating until the day she finally told him she couldn't stand it anymore and ended their relationship.

Watching his reaction, she said, "When we were in England, you were upset by our rough sex. It reminded you of pon farr, didn't it?"

"Correct. I was shaken by the knowledge that I could behave like that outside pon farr. I hurt you, but the pressures of that night were nothing compared to the pressures of pon farr. A human woman does not have the stamina of a Vulcan woman, and the thought of hurting you during pon farr frightened me."

She bristled. "Obviously, your mother doesn't have a problem with it."

"I know. My fear was not entirely based in logic."

She felt her anger grow despite his contrite admission. "Why couldn't you simply tell me about it? You could have explained it, and we could have worked it out together. I'm capable of making my own decisions, but instead you simply decided for me." She shook her head, floored that he would have done this to her. "You destroyed everything we had simply because you were afraid you might bruise me someday?"

"There was much more to it than that, although I did not see the 'bigger picture' until it was too late. I accept that it was presumptuous, arrogant even, for me not to give you a chance to make your own decision. I was perpetuating the stereotype that humans are weak. Humans have emotional fortitude that Vulcans, for all their control, do not, and that is perhaps even more important than physical stamina. I used my concern over pon farr as a scapegoat for my fears. It was concrete, and I could convince myself that I was thinking of you rather than myself."

"Then what was the problem?"

"I feared the emotional demands of a prolonged relationship."

"It was that simple, and you couldn't even see it?"

"Correct. I was no more honest with myself than I was with you. I see now that I allowed my fear to cripple me. I did not think I would be adequate to the task of ensuring your happiness, and I projected that eventually you would realize that I was not the proper choice for you. Of course, that turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy." He looked down at his hands briefly before meeting her eyes again. "Ironically, I came to these realizations at the same time you were obviously deciding that you could not stay with me. I arrived at our final meeting with the intention of telling you everything."

She sat, dumb, while his words registered. Finally, she whispered, "But I broke up with you first."

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you try harder to tell me?" she demanded in a choked voice.

Clearly searching for words, he said, "I was hurt. I detected an easy way out. I became angry. I thought it not worth the effort, since clearly you no longer wanted me. I wished to punish you. There are any number of illogical, conflicting reasons. I am sorry, and I have paid for my inaction every day since."

Unshed tears burning her eyes, she covered her face. "Oh God, Spock. We both made so many mistakes. You're right, you're so right. You told me that I always thought I could fix whatever was wrong, and when I decided that we should break up and didn't give you a chance to speak, I did exactly that. I pushed you and pushed you, instead of stepping back and letting you come to me. I'm so sorry."

A long silence stretched between them. Finally, she looked up to see him watching her with... warmth? Understanding? Tenderness? Her chest grew tight as the tears threatened to return.

His gaze unflinching, he said, "Before, you stated that I closed myself away from you. That will not happen again. You must accept, however, that there will be times when I experience the need to distance myself. It is no reflection on you; that is simply who I am. It should not be a problem unless one of us makes it a problem. In addition, you must understand that changes in our relationship are not as easy for me as for you. However, although I may not adapt immediately, I have learned that I can adapt. I can be flexible. I can be honest with you, and I can try as hard as you need for me to try. Please. Allow me to prove this to you."

Her breath caught at his intense sincerity. They were sitting on the floor, a meter between them, but she was so captured by his dark eyes that it seemed they were much closer. She couldn't have looked away even if she had wanted.

Finally, she said, "I love you, Spock. I always have, and I always will. But I love you as much as a friend as I do a lover. We risked that friendship once and almost gambled it away. Do you really want to take that risk again?"

He moved closer. "Yes. Very much. Give me another chance, Nyota."

"You hurt me."

"Yes, and you hurt me. But the pain I experienced those years ago is nothing compared to my pain now if you say no."

Still not breaking eye contact, he leaned closer until they were separated by mere centimeters. She felt his breath against her cheek, and his expression was so soft, his eyes so dark. Without even knowing that she had done it, she moistened her lips and turned her face up to his.

Her eyes fluttered shut when she felt his lips touch her own. The kiss was whisper soft, as if he feared the contact. She felt the tension leave his body a moment later, however, and he put his arms around her and pulled her close. As she tangled her fingers through his hair, eight years of unexpressed desire suddenly swept them into an embrace so joyous that she thought her heart would burst. He kissed her as if starved for her, and his strong hands gripped her back, caressed her shoulders, touched her lightly on the face... His mind brushed against her own...

She pushed him away and gasped, "We can't do this. It's too quick. It... It just can't be this easy."

"Yes, it can," he said, also breathless. "We have made everything so difficult for so long. Why can it not be this easy?"

She scrambled to her feet and backed away. "I'm sorry. I have to think about it. There's just so much to consider."

He stood quickly and followed her. "I know that you want this, just as I do."

"Oh yes, I want it, but that's not enough."

"Nyota."

He reached for her, but she dodged his grasp.

"No, Spock. No, don't. Please, I can't."

Without looking at him again, she hurried out the door. Blind and deaf to anything but the thought of reaching her quarters, she rushed through the corridor and prayed that she wouldn't run into anyone she knew. Finally, as soon as she heard her door close behind her, she stopped and closed her eyes.

It was so much, too much. The pain of their last months as lovers flooded into her memory, and she clasped her hands over her heart, bowed by the sheer weight of it. He had said that things would be different now, but would they? Truly? He had made such resolutions before and broken them. Why should she believe him now? He said that he could change, but could he? If he hadn't been honest with her then, could he be honest with her now? He hadn't even been honest with himself!

As these thoughts whirled through her mind, however, all she could see was the expression on his face when she had run out on him only moments ago. Confusion, desperation, longing, and... love. Love.

He loved her.

He had held her in his arms, and it was good, so good. It was right. He wanted a second chance, and in the process he was giving her a second chance, too. Could they do it? Could they make it work?

Finally, she found that she could breathe normally, and she opened her eyes. Whatever they did, they couldn't rush into it like this. Slowing down was the right decision for the moment, regardless of which decision was correct for the future.

Her hands still shaking, she unfastened her jacket as she walked back toward her bedroom. She would take a shower, she would get into bed, and she would think.

End chapter 4

The Kobayashi Maru I, chapter 5

Spock sat patiently in his quarters and sipped his tea. He had slept well last night, despite the emotional upheaval of the evening. Perhaps it was because he was experiencing a certain relief at having finally told Nyota everything. Perhaps it was because he knew he had done the right thing in informing her he still wanted her. Perhaps it was because he felt confident that he could convince her of the logic of the situation. Perhaps he had not yet uncovered the explanation. At any rate, attempting to discern the reason for his sudden peace of mind was a fascinating exercise.

"Computer. Location of Commander Uhura."

"Commander Uhura is in turbolift E Four."

Ah. Finally. He had been interrogating the computer every three minutes for the past thirty-one minutes with the intention of joining her for breakfast. He was most interested in hearing what she had to say this morning. He rose, adjusted his uniform, and left his quarters. If he walked quickly and did not have to wait for turbolift E Three, he should be able to time his arrival at the Officers' Mess so that he entered only moments after her.

Excellent. Not only was the turbolift not in use, but it was evidently already waiting at this location.

"Deck Two."

As the turbolift slid into motion, he pondered what Nyota's condition might be. No doubt she had found it difficult to sleep last night. Would she be tired and irritable? If so, he would tread cautiously. If her emotional state appeared stable, however, perhaps he could assuage any additional misgivings she might have invented during the night. It would benefit him to deal with those as quickly as possible.

He left the turbolift and walked briskly to the Officers' Mess. She was just seating herself at a table in the corner, and she was not only alone but not within anyone else's hearing range. She met his eyes briefly, but he could not discern her mood. He nodded and stepped over to select his own breakfast.

He carried his tray to the table and seated himself across from her. "Good morning, Commander. Did you sleep well last night?"

"What do you think?" she said wearily.

"Ah. I assume, then, that you did not. Unfortunate. I, myself, slept quite well."

"How can you be so chipper?"

"I am confident. I know that I have done the right thing."

She picked up her fork for a moment, then put it down again. "Please don't get your hopes up. I haven't come to a decision. I'm so confused. I hardly slept all night. If I say yes, we might be setting ourselves up for disappointment again. If I say no, we might miss a wonderful opportunity. There just doesn't seem to be a correct answer."

"This is not a no-win scenario, Commander. There is a correct answer."

"I don't know, Spock. Maybe you don't have any reservations, but I have more than enough for both of us."

"Perhaps you should consider your own advice."

"What do you mean?"

"After your lackluster performance on the Kobayashi Maru test, you stated that you 'would go into every situation full steam ahead.' You would 'do it all the way or not do it at all.' Those are both verbatim quotes."

"I can't believe you. It's not the same!"

"Why not?"

"Because this isn't a command decision! You're talking about apples and oranges."

"I do not agree. You are faced with a situation about which you must make a decision. You can be overly cautious and always think about what might have been, or you can seize the moment and never have cause for regret. Perhaps events might not unfold as you had hoped, but you will have known that you tried. Of course, I know that events will unfold as you hope. I have no doubt that we will succeed. Obviously, you have not yet reached that conclusion."

"No, I haven't."

"Then you must continue to think about it. Please remember, however, that you have commented in the past on my inability to try hard. This time, I intend to try very hard indeed to persuade you of the logic of the situation."

She sighed, but a tiny smile graced her lips. After a moment, he changed the topic, and they discussed the efficiency reports for the remainder of their meal.

* * * * * * * *

That night, they sat in Spock's quarters and continued going over the reports. Or rather, Spock went over the reports. She kept staring at a single grape that had rolled way over to the other side of the room and evidently escaped his detection. It was hiding under the high, ornamental chest that he kept his Vulcan tea service on.

"I have been pleased with Cadet Moore's improvement at the helm." He paused. "Commander."

"What? Oh. Oh, yes. She's doing well. Maybe I'll say something to her about her high scores tomorrow."

"I am certain that would please her." He turned back to the computer.

If there was one grape under that chest, there might be more. Maybe she should go check.

"Cadet Jorgenson's score has not improved like I anticipated," he said. "His early scores were very promising, but since he rotated to Engineering, he has slipped. Computer. Flag Jorgenson's file for Mr. Scott's attention."

"Fraternization," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"Fraternization. What are we going to do about that? It was bad enough when you were the first officer and I was beneath you in the chain of command, but now you're the captain and I'm your first officer."

Obviously amused, he replied, "I know that I am the captain and that you are my first officer."

"Haven't you considered the fact that we might be pushing the fraternization guidelines just a little bit?"

"I have considered the fact that we would be pushing the fraternization guidelines a great deal, but I am unconcerned. We decided long ago that we would not allow that to deter us."

"Yes, and almost as soon as we made that decision, the guidelines became more strict and we ran into trouble."

"And now they are no longer so strict. Even if Command were to issue more stringent guidelines, however, I would still choose to be with you."

She held a hand out toward him. "What if you have to give an order that would put me in jeopardy?"

"Nyota, do you truly think such an order would be any more difficult were we intimately involved?"

"Oh. Probably not."

"Therefore, if you use this fear as a basis for our not pursuing an intimate relationship, you must also use it as a basis for our not serving together at all. In my opinion, it would be inefficient, for both Starfleet and for ourselves, to terminate our professional relationship on that basis. Do you agree?"

She couldn't help but smile. This man could use logic to rationalize anything. "I can't disagree with that."

"Exactly. Indeed, if Starfleet were to use affection as a basis for breaking up command teams, they would find that they had no effective command teams left."

"And I suppose that's exactly the argument you would use if anyone ever reprimanded us for having a relationship."

"I am certain that I would choose my words more carefully, but essentially you are correct." He watched her for a moment. "Are you satisfied?"

"I'm satisfied that you don't think fraternization is a problem. I'm still not so sure about myself."

He looked down at his hands for a moment, and when he spoke again, his flippant tone had vanished. "You have a legitimate concern. I assure you that I do not mean to dismiss it lightly. Fraternization is a problem. I have given it a great deal of thought, however, and I have come to the conclusion that we cannot allow a future possibility to impede a current certainty."

She nodded, still not positive she agreed. After a moment, he asked, "Do you have any other concerns that we should address?"

"Oh, yes, about a hundred, but there's nothing specific I want to talk about right at this moment."

"I understand. As soon as you are ready to discuss them, please inform me."

She nodded. If she didn't know better, she'd think that he was running a staff meeting, and he'd come to his meeting very well prepared. The thought was a little disconcerting. She knew that she'd probably end up making her decision based on a gut feeling, but how could that compete with logic? Nevertheless, she'd have to make sure that once she made her decision, she stuck with it, regardless of the arguments he would doubtlessly find to dispute it if it wasn't to his liking.

Ready to continue, he turned the screen toward her, but she looked back down at the grape again. Spock sure wouldn't be very pleased if he stepped on it. The grapes had been everywhere last night. It was a wonder they hadn't squashed any of them.

Staring at the grape, she murmured, "Will you die, without me?"

He slowly lowered his hands to his lap as he turned back to her.

She looked away from the grape, facing him again. "Will you die if I say no?"

He tightened his lips briefly. "I do not know. Do not use that as a basis for your decision, however. It is not reason enough."

"How can I ignore that? If I say no, will I be condemning you to death? That's a lot of pressure on me."

"Nyota, you will do no one a favor if you say 'yes' on the basis of that alone. I will find some way to manage. Will you dismiss it from your list of concerns?"

Unable to stand it any longer, she got up and retrieved the grape, then tossed it into the recycler. When she sat back down, she saw that he was still waiting for her answer.

"I'll try, Spock, but I know it won't be easy."

She could tell that he was displeased with her answer, but there was nothing else she could say. Finally, he turned back to the computer screen, and they began working on the efficiency reports again.

* * * * * * * *

"Captain, I'm receiving a distress signal."

"On speakers."

"Mayday, mayday. This is Kobayashi Maru. If you can hear us, please respond."

"Open channel."

"Yes, sir."

The captain frowned and leaned toward the arm of her chair. "Kobayashi Maru, this is Enterprise."

"Enterprise! Maybe... not too late. Hit gravitic mine... heavy casualties... hull breach. Warp and impulse... inoperative. Quickly losing oxygen... less than ten minutes..." The message was lost in static.

She turned toward the science officer. "Long-range scanners?"

"I can't locate the ship on scanners, Captain. There are a number of energy readings in the area, but I can't identify them. It's possible that it's a ship, or even more than one ship."

She faced forward again. "Helm. Take us right up to the edge of the neutral zone, warp one. Science officer, prepare a probe. We'll send it in and try to obtain more specific readings."

"But, sir! The Kobayashi Maru is running out of oxygen! By the time we prepare the probe and interpret the data, it could be too late to get there on time."

"I'm aware of that. Please prepare the probe as quickly as possible."

"Yes, sir."

The minutes ticking by... The fear that she had chosen wrong...

Suddenly, the speakers came back to life.

"Kobayashi Maru to Enterprise." The deep voice gasped for air. It seemed strangely familiar. "Please, do not delay. We need you. We will die, without you."

"Kobayashi Maru, this is Enterprise. We are trying---" She tried to speak, but the voice did not seem to hear her.

"Oxygen low. Sixty-two percent casualties and rising. We need you. Fires out of control in engineering and on bridge. Do not abandon us."

"This is Enterprise. Please understand---"

A gasp. Screams from the background. "Do not condemn us to certain death. You can help us. Why do you not?"

"Please, listen to me. I don't know what to do."

Agony, now. The deep voice shattered by terrible pain. "Please! Please---"

"Spock! Spock! No!"

Her eyes flying open, Uhura bolted upright and realized that she had shouted out loud. Oh, God... It was only a dream. A dream.

She flopped back onto the pillow, panting. Tomorrow, they were returning to Earth to administer the third Kobayashi Maru test. She'd been looking forward to it for weeks, but now it seemed ominous and foreboding. She'd have to pull herself together. Saavik was to sit in the center seat, and she didn't want to spoil the young woman's big day.

End part 1