Jokes
These are just jokes I have collected and they are just for fun only.
So live a little and laugh alot!

"Women Have it So Easy"

This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife
left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I
thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going
to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see
any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop ? Scratch two.

3). Drop your skirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation
I don't need them. Scratch three.

This is easy! What's the fuss? Think I'll go on AOL for awhile.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that’s a hard one.
GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from
breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie
go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the
microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six.

This is way to easy I'll have lots of time for AOL.

7). Vacuum the carpets...... That’s a hard one....... Hey kids
wanna have some more FUN. Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house
to go too ? YESSSS! Scratch eight!!!!!!

9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one.
That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta
sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the
cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishes!!!

10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on AOL.
Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry..... dang {S goodbye. Ya know I never
noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna
have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear??
Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me.
Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain
about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree... Ooops! Good thing the carpet
is absorbent. Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old
newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for
the Earth.... Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids
here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be
back. Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who's on AOL. Awww, I have plenty of time. {S Welcome

16). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver? Uhhh.. double
that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow.” Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed.
Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Still time for some AOL & a nap....... Man this
is sooooo easy. Women must complain about house work just to
make us guys think they're working. Wish I was a chick !

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE
COMPUTER LAB

*Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

*Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

*When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

*Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.

*Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different
screen than the one it's set up with.

*Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.

*Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

*Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

*Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

*Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

*Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.

*Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

*Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

*Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

*Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

*Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it
finishes.

*"DISK FIGHT!!!"

*Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if
you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

*Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

*If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

*Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.

*Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.

*When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is.

*Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

*Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for
a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

*Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the
person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
more effective to let them linger.

*If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them
and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

*Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk
and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

*Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape
them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
beauty of cotton on plastic.

*Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.

*Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue
working.

*Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

*Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write
an entire paper this way.

*Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

*Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

*Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

*When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.

*Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

*Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space
bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page
of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya
know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it
wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

*Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.)

*Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
stuff and leave, howling as you go.

*Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the
table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time,"
and calmly start to type again.

*Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

*See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like
you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.

*Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

*Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.

*Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
lowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.

*Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.

*Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give
me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next
week".

*Two words: Tesla Coil.

.....ABOUT UGLINESS

* It's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Alright.
Problem is... so is ugliness.

- - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she went camping, the bears built a fire to keep her away

- - - - -

* At least you know ugly people aren't two-faced
If they were, surely they'd use their other face

- - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
At her "coming out party", they made her go back in

- - - - -

* It's said that beauty is only skin deep. Alright.
Does that mean if we skin ugly people they'd look better ?

- - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she goes into a bank, they turn off the surveillance camera

- - - - -

* It's said that the beauty of a woman fades with time. Alright.
Then, what happens to an ugly woman ?

- - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she sat for her portrait, the artist keep breaking his brush

- - - - -

* There are no ugly children in Columbia, Maryland
The cats bury them all in their sandboxes

- - - - -

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she went to the Ladies Room, the attendant asked for ID

REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)

First name: First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom

____ shed

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

A Dictionary for Women

Airhead (er*hed) n.

What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Actually, I become even more logical and rational than usual... this really throws 'em off !)

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.

A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.

You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but
he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.

Jokes that are short, so men can understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.

An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n.

A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound
bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.

The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.

To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n.

What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair dresser (hare dres*er) n.

Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware store (hard*war stor) n.

Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't
coming out anytime soon. (awww, I love hardware stores [as long as I don't
have to go in them with a man -- talk about testosterone kicking in...])

Childbirth (child*brth) n.

You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.

On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar,
coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.

Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.

The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children.
See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.

A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. (Nope, not good enough... settling invites mediocrity)

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.

Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n

The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then
end up doing it yourself... anyway

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