Jokes Page Two

The Missionary

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live
with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them
to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing
he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not
commit adultery or fornification!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people
to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual
sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the
only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take
a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What
you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look
to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them
is one black one. Nature does this on occasions"

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't
say anything about the black sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"!

Different Types of Bra's

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store
and tell the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Attitude is EVERYTHING

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a
good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would
ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude.
He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.

"Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.'

"I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied.

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breathe and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them. 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have 2 choices now:

1. save or delete this mail from your mail box.

2. forward it to anyone you care about.

The Potato

Maverick was in the South of France, and could not understand why Biff had
attracted all the girls at the beach, while he pulled nothing.

So he asked Biff, "Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"

Biff said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

So, Mav stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach.

Many hours later, he still had no woman. Mav went to see Biff again and said, "I've
tried it and it doesn't work!"

Biff looked at the Maverick and said, "Have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

Off to Europe

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the ocean. The weather had been dark,
dreary, rainy, misty, foggy, windy and dismal for so long...

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed
her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded 'yes.'
After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a life-boat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Five weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get to go to
Europe and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is a Washington State Ferry."

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