air biscuit,n. Fart; botty burp. As in ³Has somebody launched an air biscuit?²
almond,n. 1. Penis. From the rhyming slang, almond rock - cock. 2. An imperial measure of semen; approximately one stomach full.
anal,announcement,n. Fart; botty burp; trouser trumpet.
Apache,n. Sex without a condom. Riding bare back.
apple,catchers,n. Generously proportioned knickers.
aris,n. Convoluted cockney rhyming slang  for arse. From Aristotle - bottle - bottle and ³glarse² - arse.
arse-feta,n. The cheese (qv) matured in  the narrow passage leading to Cadbury Alley (qv).
arse-grapes,n. Descriptive term for haemorrhoids.
arse-piss,n. Diarrhoea; rusty water (qv); the shits.
arseholed,a. intoxicated; having consumed an excessive amount of alcohol.
art pamphlet,n. A jazz mag; one handed reading material.
assets,n. Of British tabloid  journalism, a girlıs breasts.
aunt Mary,n. Vagina.
axe wound,euph. Vagina.
B.S.,US abbr.  Bullshit.
baby gravy,euph.  Semen; smegma (qv).  Also baby bullion.
bacon bazooka,euph. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe (qv).
bag ladiesı period,n. Super-lative of foul tasting.
baibhe (bye-b) Gaelic,n. A rough old slapper; a boot (qv).
bald man in a boat,euph. Vagina; hairy pie (qv).
Ballarat,Aus. n. A fully erect penis. As in ³How are you gettinı on Bruce?² ³Bleedinı marvellous Sheila. Iım nearly at Ballarat². see also Lake Wendouree.
ball buster,n. Sexually aggres-sive female; cock chomper.
bang,v. To have sex; to shag. e.g. ³We were banging like a shite-house (qv) door in the wind².,n. A sexual encounter; a shag.
banjo,n. On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the polo neck to the bobbyıs helmet (qv).
bannocks interj. Scotch  equiv-alent of bollocks.,n. Jockspeak for knackers; plums (qv).
baps (baaah-ps),n.,n. Ireland Breasts. e.g. ³Phoaar! Will yer just look at the baps on that?²
Barclays ,rhym. slang A wank; five finger shuffle; hand shandy (qv).  Barclays bank - wank. 
barf,v. To vomit; puke; bowk.
bargain bucket,n. An over-employed and over-stretched fanny.
barking spider,n. Ringpiece; anus;  chocolate starfish (qv).  
barse,n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse.
bash-the-bishop,euph. To masturbate; toss; bank with Barclays (qv).
bazookas,n. A pair of big tits; whoppers.
bean flicker,n. Lesbian.
beard,n. A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his homosexuality. As in: ³Do you reckon that Sophieıs a beard then, or what?²  see also whiff of lavender; frock.
bear trappers hat,sim. Hairy front bottom. As in ³She had a fanny like a bear trapperıs hat². Also Davy Crockettıs hat.
bearded clam,Aus. attr. Barry Humphries Vagina; fanny.
beat-the-meat,euph. To avail oneself of a ham shank; perform the five-knuckle-shuffle (qv).
beaver cleaver,n. Male weapon used in axe wounds.
bed flute,n. Musical variation on the pink oboe (qv).
beef bayonet,euph. Penis; cock; pork sword; love torpedo.
beef curtains,euph. Labia.
beetle bonnet,euph. Female pubic mound, esp. shaven. From the popular VW car. 
Belgian biscuit,n. A vile and non specific sex act performed by the staff of a rub-a-tug shop (qv). As in ³How much? Fifty quid, eh? Does that include Belgian biscuit?²
Belisha beacon,n. Flashing orange globe on a black and white pole, named after the Transport Minister in 1934. 
bell end,euph. The glans of the penis; purple helmet (qv).
bell-swagged a. To be endowed with a large bell end on a contrastingly small stem or shaft. 
bender,n. 1. Drinking spree; Leo Sayer (qv). 2. A queer fella.  see gender bender.
berry,n. A sexual deviant; kinky person; one who shags animals.
biffin,n. Sweat secreted in the biffin bridge (qv) area during intercourse.
biffin bridge,n. see barse.
biffon,n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina, which the manıs balls biff on during intercourse.
bikini burger,n. see hairy pie.
Billy Mill roundabout,n. The climactic point of masturbation. From the A1058 Coast Road in Newcastle. e.g. ³My mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout². see also vinegar strokes (qv).
Billy Wright,Famous Wolves footballer, latterly  rhyming slang for shite.
bint,n. Derogatory term for a silly old slapper; a bird; bit of fluff.
biscuits,n. The contents of the stomach after a heavy nightıs drinking. As in ³Get me a bucket, quick, Iım gonna chuck me biscuits². 
blart,n. Female vagina. Also collective,n. Women; totty (qv). e.g. ³Golly gosh! This pub is heaving with blart².
bliff,n. Minge; front bottom.
bliff mag,n. Pornographic mag-azine; jazz mag (qv); art pamphlet.  
blit,n.  see blart.
blob,n. Condom; rubber; rubber Johnny (qv).
blow mud,v. To noisily expel a loose stool; crop spray (qv).
blue-veined custard chucker,n. Penis. Also blue veined piccolo, blue veined Havana.
bobbyıs helmet,n. Bell end. From the distinctive shape of the British police constableıs hat.
boff,v. To fuck (qv).
boiler,n. An ugly woman one would prefer not to service.
bollocks,n. 1. Nonsense; balls, as in: ³Thatıs utter bollocks². 2. Knackers; balls, as in: ³Themıs massive bollocks².
bomb bay,n. The arse; the area of oneıs body towards which the rear gunner (qv) is attracted.
boner US,n. An erection; stiffy.
bonk,v. To boff (qv).
bonk-on,n. Erection, as in: ³A copy of Fiesta and a box of tissues please, Mr Newsagent. Iıve got a right big bonk on².
Boris,n. used by females Vagina.
bosch,v. To drill a hole between cubicles in a public lavatory for the purpose of spying on, or making your cock available to, your neighbour (for example, the future Bishop of Durham).
bott,v. A sex act performed by botters (qv).
botter (bot-ah),n. He who botts.
Bourneville Boulevard,euph. Arse; fudge tunnel. Used to denote homosexuality, as in: ³I believe he strolls down the Bourneville Boulevard².
Bovril bullets,n. Stools; excrement.
bowk,v. To barf; vomit; hoy up; create a pavement pizza (qv).
Bowling from the Pavilion end,euph. Botting (qv).
box of assorted creams,Aus.,n. A sexually promiscuous female, as in: ³Watch yourself there Bruce, that oneıs a right Box of Assorted Creams².
box,n. 1. Vagina. As in: ³Look at that lovely little box². 2. In cricket, a gentlemanıs protective device worn around the under-carriage (qv).  As in: ³Eeeeargh!  I wish Iıd worn a box².
breast fest,n. The summer months during which women sunbathe topless.
brim,n. The skirting around the base of oneıs helmet (qv).
Bristols ryhm. slang Tits. From Bristol Citys - titties.
brown bullet-hole ,euph. Bumhole; barking spider (qv).
brown hatter,n. One who bowls from the Pavilion end (qv) and in so doing tarnishes his bobbies helmet (qv).
brown sword,n. see banjo.
brown trout,n. A shite.
brown pipe engineer,n. A plumber who comes in the tradesmanıs entrance.
brown wings,n. The honour bestowed on a man after he has completed a successful spell  of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
BSH,abbr. British Standard Handful. The unit by which breasts are often measured.
bucket fanny,n. A spacious vagina. Also Tardis twat.
buffty Scotch,n.  A gay man.
build a log cabin,euph. To pass an enormous, solid stool. As in: ³I wouldnıt go in there mate. Someoneıs just built a log cabin².
bulldog eating porridge,euph. The vagina in the aftermath of sex.  From Shakespearıs  Henry IV. ³Lo, I see my ladiesı bulldog hath been eating porridge again².
bullshat,v. Past tense of bullshit. As in ³The liar, he bullshat me².
bum bandit,n. A robber, outlaw or highwayman, who steals peopleıs bottoms.
bum chain,n. A rather intimate version of the Conga danced by those on the other bus (qv). 
bum cigar,n. In after dinner conversation, a stool. ³Well, if youıll excuse me I think Iıll nip upstairs and light a bum cigar².
bunk up,n. 1. Bonk; shag. As in: ³Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Any chance of a bunk up?² 2. Assistance climbing, as in: ³Shit. Iım so pissed I canıt get onto the bed. Giz a bunk up will ya?²
burp the worm,See bash the bishop.
bury a quaker,euph. To release a payload from the bomb bay (qv).
cabbage,n. Girls; totty (qv).  As in ³Iım looking forward to going out this evening. I hope to get some cabbage².
cable laying,euph. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying (qv).
Cadbury Alley,n. see Bourne-ville Boulevard.
camelıs foot,n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those folds generated in a ladies crotch when they are pulled up too tightly. see also Twix lips.
can US,n.  Bottom. 
Captainıs Pie,n. 1. Hairy pie; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of shipıs catering, that pie which belongs to the captain.
carnival knowledge,n. Latin phrase meaning to have intimidate relations with. As in: ³Have you had carnival knowledge with your wife within the last two weeks?²
carpenterıs dream,euph. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: ³Flat as a board, and easy to screw².
carpet muncher,euph. One who eats hairy pie (qv). Nothing to do with pillow biting.
Casanovaıs rubber sock,n. Condom; blob (qv).
cauliflower,euph. Sex. e.g. ³I fancy doing a bit of cauliflower². From 18th C. slang for vagina.
cavalier,n. Uncircumcised penis.
Chalfonts,rhym. slang Haem-orrhoids. As in: Chalfont St. Giles - piles.
chapel hat pegs,simile used to describe  large, erect nipples.  As in: ³Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs². Also pygmiesı cocks.
Charlies,n. 70s Tits; breasts.
charms,n. In British tabloid journalism, the breasts.
chebs,n. Tits; breasts.
cheese,See knob cheese.
cheese ridge,n. The  fertile area of the penis where knob cheese (qv) is cultivated. Also banjo (qv).
cheesey wheelbarrow,n. The penis, as it might appear while being pushed by an uphill gardener (qv).
chichis Mexican,n. Tits; breasts.
chocolate chimney sweep,euph. He who applies his purple headed womb broom (qv) to dirtier duties.
chocolate eye,n. Bumhole.
chocolate speedway,also chocolate whizzway,n. Bumhole; poop chute.
chocolate speedway rider,n. Botter (qv).
chocolate starfish,n. see chocolate eye,  speedway, etc.
choke the chicken,euph. see bash the bishop; burp the worm.
choozies,Aus.,n. Tits; breasts.
chopper,n. Penis. As in: ³That Andy Cole couldnıt score in a brothel with a £50 note wrapped round his chopper².
chubblies,n. A fat womanıs choozies (qv).
chuck your muck,euph. To drain oneıs spuds; ejaculate.
chuckies,n. Balls.
chuff,1.,v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit. e.g. ³Oops! Best open a window vicar. I believe Iıve just chuffed². 2.,n. Vagina; ladies front bottom.
chuff mountain,EEC,n. Surp-lus of woman guests at a party.
chuftie plug,n. Tampon.
chunder,v.  To produce a pave-ment pizza (qv); barf.
chutney farmer,euph. A man who rears chocolate starfish; botter (qv). Also chutney ferret.
chutney locker,n. Rectum.
circle jerk,n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv).
clagnuts,n.  Dangleberries (qv). Also tagnuts.
clam jousting,n. A sexual encounter between lesbians. Also Velcro fastening.
clam smacker,n. A lesbian.
clarts,n. Tacky excrement, such as would cling to the lavatory bowl above the water level rather than slip into the water.
clear the custard,euph. To have a long overdue wank. e.g. ³Ooooooh... Iıve got balls like boulders. Iıd better nip upstairs and clear the custard².
clinkers, Aus.,n.  Difficult to remove poo particles; winnits; kling-ons.
cludgie,n. Shithouse; lavatory; thunderbox.
clusterfuck,n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy.
coco sombrero ,n.   Mexican variation of brown hat.
combustoflatulation,n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing with oneıs trouser trumpet. 
conkers ,See hairy conkers. 
Constable,n. A roughly shaven minge.
copper bolt,v. A solid stool.
corybungo,n. Arse; backside.
costume drama,n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to wear for a party. see also period drama.
cottage,v. To go house hunting on Bourneville Boulevard (qv), looking for something a bit more solid than a log cabin (qv).
council gritter,rhyming slang Arsehole; dirtbox. Council gritter - shitter. As in: ³Watch that one. I hear he takes it up the council gritter².  Also Gary Glitter.
crab ladder,n. Penis.
cranberry dip,n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv) available  only during rag week (qv).
crapper,n. Lavatory. From the German inventor of the self-cleaning water closet, Thomas Shitehousen.
cream,v. To ejaculate.
crouton,n. An erection; bone.
crop spraying,euph. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying (qv). For example, a doctor may enquire: ³So, howıs your old Gary Glitter? Have you been cable laying or crop spraying?²
cumulo nimbus,n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; the stimulation of the clematis. 
cunt bubble 1.,n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge burp. 2. interj. Something Paul Whicker says when punch-ing the bishop (as opposed to bashing the bishop).
cupcake,n. A small quantity of fart-gas caught in the palm of the hands and then deposited in a personıs face.
curd,n. Jizz, or gism (qv).
curl one off,v. To carefully deliver a stool. - curler,n. A lump of excrement so delivered. Also crimp off a length naval slang.
cut the cheese,euph. To fart.
dags Aus.,n. Dangleberries (qv).
dangleberries,n. Winnits; excrement adhering to the hairs around a badly wiped bottom.
dick wheat,US,n. Male pubic hair. Also dick weed.
diddies,See diddy ride.
diddy ride,See tit wank.
diesel dyke,US,n.  Butch lesbian; stone; fanny nosher.
dinner masher,n. A diner who arrives on the other bus (qv).
dirtbox,n. Rectum.
dishonourable discharge,n. The shameful result of bashing the bishop (qv).
dobber,n. A semi-erect penis.
dog,n. Hound; boiler; tug boat; sea monster.
dogıs bollocks,euph. Bees knees; donkeyıs knob.
dogıs egg,n. A dog turd, often Œlaidı on the pavement.
dogıs match,n. Any sexual encounter in public place, in bushes, doorways, under lamp posts etc.
doggies,n. Intercourse in the position adopted by dogs, usually near some dustbins.
dollymop,n. An amateur or inexperienced prostitute.
donkey rigged,adj. Possessing a large penis.
draw mud from the well,See follow through.
drink from both taps,euph. To be bisexual; a switch hitter (qv); AC/DC.
drop a pebble,euph. To erron-eously emit a small body of faeces whilst attempting to break wind. Also follow through.
drop out,n. When a testicle protrudes from the bottom of your underpants, or in Peter Beardsleyıs case, football shorts. As opposed to flop out (qv).
drop the kids off at the pool,euph. To have a shit.
dry bob,n. Sex without male ejaculation.
dugs,n. Breasts; baps; paps.
dunny Aus.,n. Toilet. Also a popular knickname for someone called Dunn.
dump,v. To drop a log; release the poop payload.
dunkie,n. Contraceptive sheath.
dust the duvet,v. To bash the bishop, especially at bedtime.
Dutch oven,n. The area be-neath the bedclothes after ones partner has just played the dawn chorus on his botty bugle. 
Eartha Kitts,rhym. slang Shits;  diarrhoea.  Also the Brad Pitts.
Eccles snake,n. A penis with warts.
Emmas rhyhming slang Haemorroids. After the brainy media sex pot Emma Freud, daughter of sour faced dog food chef Clement.  Also Nobbies (qv).
empty the anaconda,euph. To have a piss.
fadge,n. A cross between a fanny and a vagina.
fairy hammock,n. Panties.
family jewels,euph. The knackers; male genitalia.
fanny flange,n. Clitoris.
fanny batter,n. Crusty residue found on a hairy pie (qv).
fanny magnet,n. A  flash car towards the driver of which totty (qv) is attracted.
fanny rat,n. 1. Penis. 2. Sex-ually promiscuous male.
farmers,rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles.
farting strings,n. An imagined part of the body which can be damaged by over exertion through laughter. e.g. ³Hey! Stop it will ya, before I bust me farting strings².
feeding the ducks,euph. Wanking. From the apparent similarity in hand movements.
felch,v. To lick lemon curd out of a tea towel holder (qv). 
finsbury bridge,See barse.
firey surprise,n. To receive a brand spanking new electric fire that you never knew about.
firing blanks,v. Post snip ejaculation. e.g. ³You can put the ribticklers away love, Iım firing blanks².
fish mitten,n. Haddock pastie; lab kebab; vertical bacon sandwich (qv).
fish supper,euph. chauvinistic Carnival knowledge (qv) to which, by rights, a husband is entitled at the end of the day. see also get up them stairs.
fist magnet,n. Someone who deserves a punch in the face.
fitbin interj.  A brand new and extremely rude swearword  invented by Sweary Mary for the purpose of annoying WHSmiths.
five knuckle shuffle,euph. A one-handed work out to a Cindy Crawford exercise video.
fizzing at the bung hole,euph. To denote sexual arousal in women.
fleshy fugelhorn,n. Another musical variation on the bed flute; pink oboe.
float an air biscuit,euph. To release a fart.
floater,n. 1. Scotch A turd in the pan which will not flush away. 2. Member of the crap 70s soul band, e.g. Larry.
flop out,n. When the flacid penis protrudes through the bottom of your underpants, often whilst moving from a sitting to standing position. 
florins ryhming slang Shits.  From the former florin coin,  known as Œtwo bob bitsı. 
fluffer,n. A female employed on the set of porno movies to stimulate male actors between takes.
fnarr fnarr! interj. A surpressed and childish exclamation of amusement at the utterence of a double entre.
follow through,v. To accident-ally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to fart; to obtain russet gusset: drop a pebble (qv).
French wank,n. In sophis-ticated society, a tit wank; sausage sandwich (qv).
fried eggs,n. Small breasts. As in: ³Do you fancy that Kate Moss?² ³Naaaah! Tits like fried eggs².
frock,v. Of lavender marriages, a cosmetic husband. The lesbianıs equivalent of a beard (qv). 
front bottom ,See fur burger.
fuckwit,n. Simpleton; one of little intelligence; bollock brain.
fun bags,n. Breasts; knockers; thruppennies (qv).
fur burger,See front bottom.
furry bicycle stand,See fish mitten.
gammon flaps,See beef curtains. Also gammon goal-posts.
Gary Glitter,rhym. slang Arse. From Gary Glitter - shitter. ,See also council gritter.
gash,n. Vagina. Conveniently rhymes with ³Hoy, giz a flash of your...²
gazoo,n.  Arse; bum.
gazungas,n. Large breasts.
gender bender,n. Effeminate, flowery male of varying or obscure  sexual orientation e.g. Marc Almond out of Soft Cell.
get off at Edge Hill,euph. Coit-us interruptus; withdrawal be-fore ejaculation. (Edge Hill is the last station before Liverpool Lime Street.) Aus. get off at Redfern. Scot.  Paisley. Lond. Clapham. Newcastle Gateshead etc.
get up them stairs The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and watching football on telly, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom to make an ungainly and flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse.
get wood,v. To achieve an erection. As in: ³Sorry love, Iım having trouble getting wood². Also get string.
ghost shit,n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it.
gick  Eire,n. Shit.
ginger beer,rhym. slang Queer. 
gobble interj. A noise made by turkeys.
gobshite,n. Someone prone to uttering verbal inaccuracies; bullshitter.
golden shower,euph. A  vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom.
goolies,n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a vicar or grandparent.
gorblimey,n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s.
Greek sauna,See Dutch oven.
grin like a wanking Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv)  on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
grogan,n. 1. A log; turd. 2. A cute wee Scotch lassie with a twee voice.
grow a tail,v. To defecate; build a log cabin (qv).
grub,See biffin.
grundle US,n. Barse (qv).
grunts,n. The type of undesir-able bints (qv) who appear in readerıs wives pages.
guardıs van,n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the queue. As in: ³Bagsy Iım not in the guardıs van fellas².
guff,v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud,n. The noxious vap-our produced by guffing.
gusset typist,euph. A woman who masturbates.
gusset nuzzler,euph. Lesbian.
haddock pastie,See hairy cheque book.
hairy cheque book,See hairy cup.
hairy cup,See hairy doughnut.
hairy doughnut,See hairy goblet.
hairy goblet,See hairy lasso.
hairy lasso ,See hairy pie.
hairy pie,n. A kipper; Velcro triangle.
hairy toffee,n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons.
half leapfrog,v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position.
ham howitzer,n. A military weapon descended from the pork sword (qv).
hamburger shot,n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef curtains (qv) are visible. 
ham shank rhyming slang for a Barclays (qv).
Hampton rhyming slang Penis.  Hampton Wick - dick. Also to get your Hampton Court - an accident involving a zip.
hand shandy,n.,See ham shank.
hand solo,n. A solitary hand shandy.
hanging salad,euph. Wedding tackle (qv).
happy lamp,n. Sixth gear stick. As in:  ³Iım horny. Think Iıll give my happy lamp a quick buff².
happy sack,euph.  Scrotum; scrots; nads.
hard on,n.  Wood; a bone.
head lamps,n. Bristols (qv). As in: ³Phewf! I wouldnıt mind giving her head lamps a rub².
heave a Havana polite,euph. Take a dump.,See also bum cigar.
hee  1. Thai,n. Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. interj. One of several  noises made by laughing gnomes.
helmet ,See bobbies helmet.
Herbieıs bonnet  ,See Beetle bonnet.
Hershey highway US,euph.,See Cadbury Alley et all.
hide the salami,euph. A game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie (qv).
hoı abbr. Whore.  A familiar name given to their charges by pimps  in floppy hats, fur coats and pink Cadillacs. As in: ³Yo! Hoı, shake that ass².
hogıs eye,n.,See Japıs eye.
honey alter,n.,See honey pot.
honey pot,See hairy cheque book.
hoop stretcher,n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv) in the tea towel holder (qv).
horatio,n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man. 
hosebag,n. A woman of loose morals. She of bucket fanny (qv).
horizontal jogging ,euph. Sexual intercourse.
hot dog,n. An egg delicacy - something of an acquired taste -famously enjoyed by the gay cult actor Divine. ,v. To eat said morsel, freshly laid.
Howardıs Way rhyming slang Homosexual. From the shit BBC TV drama Howardıs Way - gay.
howıs your father,n. Sex. Usually prefixed with ahem. As in ³Fancy a quick bit of... ahem... howıs your father?²
hump,v. 1. To shag; have sex with. 2. To carry heavy amp-lification equipment to and from a live music venue.
hungry arse,n. The condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack of their arse.
I.B.M. abbr. Itty bitty meat. A small penis.
Iggy Pop shot,n. To ³whack off (qv) over a TVıs ass because it would be a pity to waste it².
Irish shave,n. A dump.
Irish toothache,n. An erection; bone. As in: ³Is that a gun in your pocket, or have you just got Irish toothache?²
I say! Interj. Expression of joy upon seeing an attractive woman. Attr. Terry Thomas.
I.R.S. abbr. Itchy Ring Syn-drome.  Irritating anal affliction caused by insufficient wiping of the chocolate starfish (qv), or inflammation of the farmers (qv).
jack off,v. To choke the chicken (qv); jerkinı the gherkin.
jacked up,adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease.
jam rag,n. Tampon.
Japanese flag,n. The appear-ance of the arsehole the morning after a vindaloo curry.  As in: ³Christ almighty! I think Iım sitting on a Japanese flag².
Japıs eye,n. Male urethral opening; hogıs eye (qv).
J. Arthur,rhym. slang Mastur-bation. From J. Arthur Rank - wank. For example, while watch-ing blue movies Jonathan Ross might say: ³Phwwoar!  What I weally want wight now is a quick J. Arthur².
jazz mag,n. A printed volume of pornographic material; a journal of gentlemanıs interest.
jelly water mangoes ,euph. Large knockers; gazunkas.
Jemima suit,n. A tight fitting costume worn by fetishists with strategically positioned openings over the erogenous zones.
Jenny US,n. Fadge; minge.
Jimmy Riddle rhyming slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle.
jism,n. Semen. Also gism. 
jittler,n. Helmet cheese.
jizz abbr. Jism,v. To ejaculate.
jizzbags,n. The scrotum; John Wayneıs hairy saddlebags.
job,n. A  Richard (qv).
jobby Scotch variation Job.
jobby jouster,n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another manıs jobs.
Jodrell,rhym. slang J. Arthur (qv). From Jodrell Bank, the Knuts... fnarr  fnarr! (qv) ...ford  space research laboratory.
Johnny,See rubber Johnny.
John Thomas,n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterleyıs lover (on the level gardener Mellor) famously referred to his pink hoe.
in the famous saucy book.
joombye (joom-bee) Scotch,n. Jism.
jubblies,n. Breasts; pink pouffes.
jugs,euph. Bosoms.  As in: ³Par-don me madam, I was just admiring your lovely pair of jugs².
kahoonas (ka-hooo-naaaz),n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers ; kermungers.
kak,n. (ka-k) Shit. From the Afrikaans keek.
kakpipe cosmonaut,n. One who prefers to dock with the rear unloading bay.
kangaroo shagging a space-hopper sim. Sexually energetic; promiscuous. As in ³Phoarr! She goes like a kangaroo shagging a space hopper².
keech,n. Crap; kak.
keister,n. kak hole; arse.
khaki buttonhole,See chocolate starfish.
Khyber posh ,rhym. slang Anus. From Khyber Pass (par-ss) - arse.
kipper,n. Minge; captainıs pie.
kipper for breakfast,euph. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog (qv).
Kit-Kat shuffler,euph. Mastur-bateress; gusset typist.
kitten hammock,n. Bra.
kittenıs noses,n. Nipples.
kling-ons,n. 1. Winnits; dangle-berries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of many Star Trek aliens with bumpy foreheads.
klutz,n. Idiot. From the German for block of wood.
knackers ,n. (na-kaz) childish  Testicles. As in: ³Ooyaah! Iıve knacked me knackers!²
knee trembler,n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a shop doorway.
knob cheese,n. 1. Smegma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojakıs roll-neck (qv) and around the banjo (qv) or cheese ridge. Also knob stilton, knob yoghurt.
Kojakıs roll-neck,n. Foreskin. Based on the bell end headed seventies TV detective.
kosher dill,n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar.
lab kebab abbr. Labia kebab; fish mitten (qv); vertical bacon sandwich etc.
labia lard,See fanny batter.
Lake Wendouree Aus.,euph. Ejaculation, e.g. ³Oh my God... Uuughh! Iım in Lake Wend-ouree!² From the lake at Ballarat (qv) Australia.
langball,n. A type of dangle-berry (qv) which attaches itself to John Wayneıs hairy saddlebags (qv). 
langer,n. Penis; whanger (qv).
lamb cannon,euph. An arms development dating somewhere between the pork sword (qv) and the bacon bazooka (qv).
lapper,n. A musician who plays the pink oboe (qv); a hairy pie eater (qv).
lavender,See whiff of lavender.
lay a cable,euph. Build a log cabin (qv).,See also cable laying.
lead the llama to the lift shaft,euph. Sexual intercourse.
Leo Sayer,rhym. slang  All dayer. Bender; prolonged drink-ing spree; all day party.
lepidopterist,n. Person who coll-ects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican.
lettuce,n. Female genitalia.
lickalotopus,n. Latin name for a tuppence licker (qv) of pre-historic reptilian proportions.
lid,n. Bit above the brim (qv).
lils,n. Tits.
liquid laughter,n. Puke.
log cabin,See build a log cabin.
loon pipe,n. Anus.
loose at the hilt,adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray (qv).
lose your mess,euph. Ejac-ulate; to shoot ones load (qv).
lotties,n. Breasts.
love puff,euph. Gentle, lady-like fanny burp.
love spuds,euph. A root veg-etable found in the shreddies (qv); knackers.
love torpedo,n. boastful Penis. As in: ³I sank her bacon battle-ship with my love torpedo². Also love truncheon.  
lucky Pierre,n. In botting (qv), the busiest botter in a three man bum chain (qv); the filling in a shirt lifter sandwich.
lunch box,n. In British tabloid journalism, that bulge which appears in athlete Linford Christieıs shorts; a penis. 
lunchbox lancer,n. archaic Medieval term for a coco shunter (qv). First used by King Arthur to describe the French army. He wrote: ³Fear not the French, for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom. But keep thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more than a few lunchbox lancers, I can tell you². 
lychees,n. A more exotic alternative to plums (qv).
mackerel,n. Pimp.  (Unusually, a fish word not referring to the vagina).
Madam Palm and her five sisters,euph. Wanking. As in: ³Iım just off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters².
mammary dandruff,n. Morning-after residue left by a pearl necklace (qv).
manfat,n. Semen. Also manıs milk.
mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee),euph. Aus. Minge. As in: ³Show us yer mapatasi, Sheila².  abbr. Map of Tasmania. From the similarity in shape of said island to a muff.
map of Africa,n. The un-fortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress below after a sexual exchange of bodily fluids.
marge,n. A loose woman. From margarine - Œspreads easilyı.
margold,n. The ability to do 5 pop shots (qv) in two hours. To do a margold. After the US porn actor Bill Margold.
Marmite motorway,n. Anus; arsehole; back passage.
Marmite driller,euph.,See brownpipe engineer.
meat and two veg.,euph. Penis and testicles; wedding tackle.
meat market,euph. Bar or club heaving with totty (qv).
meat seeking pissile,euph. Penis; love torpedo.
milkman,euph. affectionate Penis; pork sword.
mince medallions,n. ,See dangleberries.
mess,n. Semen; gunk; cock hockle. ,See also lose your mess.
ming Scotch,v.  To emit a foul smell. As in: ³Christ, itıs minging in here!²  minging,n. Awful. As in: ³Peter Beardsleyıs haircut was minging².
minge (minj),n. Fanny; quim.
minge winker,euph. Strip tease artist.
minnie moo,n. Minge.
mohair knickers,euph. A large minnie moo.
monkey,n. Vagina. As in: ³Does the monkey want a banana?²
Montezumaıs revenge,n. Diarrhoea; Tijuana cha-cha (qv).
moss cottage ,n.   John Thomasıs ideal home; minge.
mott,n. Minge; mapatasi.
muck,n. Mess (qv). As in ³Shoot your muck².
muck spreader,n. Arse; bum.
mud,n. Excrement.
muddy funster,n. Botter (qv).
mudeye,n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff  1.,n. Minge; fanny. 2.,v. To shag; have intercourse with. 3.,v. To miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. ³Andy Cole has muffed it².
muff diver,n. A footballer who misses easy goal scoring opport-unities, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff nudge,n.  The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresserıs waist against your elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
mullet,n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers.
mumblers,n. Tight womenıs bicycle shorts through which you can Œsee the lips movingı but canıt understand a word.,See also Twix lips, camelıs foot, hungry arse.
mung,n. A particularly runny type of arse feta (qv).
mustang,n. Of shitty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot be shaken off.
mutton musket ,euph. A  smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon. Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
muttıs nuts,adj. (Superlative of good) Variation of dogıs bollocks.
nads,n. Testicles; plums. abbr. gonads.
nadbag,n. Nutsack; scrotum.
navigator of the windward pass,euph. Rear admiral (qv).
Niffkinıs bridge,n. Female equivalent of  the Biffin bridge or barse (qv).
Nobbies,rhym. slang. Piles; Emmas; bum grapes. From Nobby Stiles, combative, bald, false teethed 1966 World Cup winning English footballer.
norks,n. Knockers.
norton,n. Bearded clam; Beetle bonnet (qv).
olivia,v. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once.
oil the truncheon,euph. To polish the bobbies helmet; collect oneıs own kindling; wank.
onanism (oh-nun-ism),n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word what the Queen might use for wanking and that. 
on the other bus,euph. Homo-sexual; bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
one eyed trouser snake,euph. Penis; John Thomas; pink oboe.
Also one eyed zipper fish, one eyed pant python.
one off the wrist,euph. Five knuckle shuffle; handy shandy.
open your lunchbox ,euph. To float an air biscuit (qv) resembling yesterdayıs egg sandwiches.
owner operator,euph. Wank-er; one who plays with his own pork sword.
painting the ceiling,euph. Wanking; the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
pan handle UK,euph.  Erect penis; wood; a bonk on.
pant moustache,n. The effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv).,See also spiderıs legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2.,n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As in: ³Youıre talking pants!².
paps,n. Olde Worlde Tits.
park the fudge,v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
particulars,n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, a ladies under-wear; knickers. As in: ³H-excuse me medım, but I may need to take down your particulars². (Fnarr fnarr! (qv))
passion flaps,n. A more romantic term for an axe wound (qv).
passion pit,n. Bed.,See also Dutch oven.
Pat Cash,rhym. slang. Slash; piss; siphon the python. From the Australian tennis player. 
pavement pizza,n. The cont-ents of ones stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street.
pearl necklace,n. The sticky consequences of reaching the Billy Mill roundabout (qv) whilst having a sausage sandwich (qv).
As in: ³I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace².
pebble dash,v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv).
peeling the carrot,euph. Spanking the monkey.
Percy 1. UK,n.  Penis. As in: ³Iım just off to point Percy at the porcelain². 2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive.
period drama,n. To describe the moody and eratic behaviour of women at times of PMT.
pie ,See hairy, fish, Captainıs.
pills,n. Pods; knackers (qv).
pilot of the chocolate runway,See navigator of the Windward passage.
pinch a loaf,See curl one off.
pineapple,rhym. slang. Sperm; semen. From pineapple chunk - spunk.
pink Darth Vadar,euph.  Cock. From the Star Wars character with a bell end (qv) for a helmet.
pink oboe,euph. Penis. As in: ³Tell me madam, do you play the pink oboe?²
pink steel,n. Material used as an alternative to wood (qv).
pink velvet sausage wallet,euph. Vagina.
pipe smoker,1. US,n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of menıs pants,euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; cock; penis.
piss flaps 1.,n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment. As in ³Oh piss-flaps! I never win the Lottery!²
piss rusty water Roger Mellie,euph. To gargle and spit arse piss (qv); to crop spray.
pitch a tent,v. To get wood (qv) beneath the bed linen, or con-spicuously in ones trousers.
playing the bone-a-phone,euph. Wanking; partaking of a hand shandy.
play the pink oboe,v. To perform oral sex on a man. Usually homophobic. As in: ³I didnıt know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe².
plinthe,n. A large and somewhat redundant penis.
plonker,n. An actor who relies entirely on one crap put-down line and a three wheeler car to maintain an entire situation comedy for years and years and fucking years.
plums,n. Knackers; balls; test-icles. Together with melons and large pairs, the source of much mirth in British fruit shops.
plumberıs toolbag,euph. The furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
Plymouth Argyles,rhym. slang Piles. From the famous Plymouth football club.
poblycwm Welsh,n. People who like quim (qv).
pocket frog,n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket rocket,See porridge gun.
poe S. Africa,n. Vagina.
poe slap,n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
poke,v. male To shag; screw; have sex with.
polish the lighthouse,v. male To masturbate in the bath.
poo packer,See Marmite driller.
poo pipe pirate,See kakpipe cosmonaut.
poop chute,n. Bumhole; arse.
pop shot,n. A scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer (qv).
population paste,n. Semen; baby bullets (qv).
pork sword,n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun,n. A tool used to distribute population paste (qv).
portion,n. A good seeing to; a shag. As in: ³Iıd give her a portion, and no mistake².
pouch,n. An aging, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran.
pugwash Aus.,n. Blow job.
pull a train,euph. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); for a group of men to all have sex with the same lady friend.
puma,abbr. Pants Up My Arse.,See hungry arse.
puppies,n. affectionate Breasts.
purple headed womb broom,euph. Penis.
purple helmet,n.  Pink Darth Vaderıs headgear; bobbies helmet; bell end; glans.
quack,n. A short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic ³Oops!².
quaker,n. Stool. As in: ³Where is your lovely wife?² ³Why, she has gone upstairs to bury a quaker².
quaz,n. Wanker; bell end ringer (qv). abbr. Quasimodo.
queef US,n. Vaginal fart; front botty burp.
quim,n. A refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentle-man might use at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the Welsh Cwm - meaning valley of pubes.
quimle,v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.
rag week,n. 1. A charity event during which students raise money for good causes. 2. The time of the month when the no bathing flags fly.
raisin bag,n. Nut sack (qv); John Wayneıs hairy saddlebags.
rake the cage out,euph. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard (qv).
ram shackled,euph. To be en-gaged in the act of botting (qv).
reach around,n. In botting, pouring your partner a handy shandy (qv) whilst ram shackled.
rear admiral,n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage (qv).
rear gunner,n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own aircraft by firing his lamb cannon (qv) into the bomb bay (qv).
rectal retort,n. Fart.
red wings,n. The  honour be-stowed upon someone who con-sumes a haddock pastie (qv) during rag week (qv).
rib cushions,euph. Breasts.
Richard,n.,rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third. e.g. ³Iıve just given birth to a ten pound Richard².
ride the great white knuckler,euph. To play rhythm on ones own pink oboe.
ride the porcelain bus,euph. An involved visit to the lavatory. For example, one which encom-passes pebble dashing (qv).
ride the waves,euph. Shagging a generously proportioned lady friend. As in ³Slap the fat ~ ride the waves².
ring,n. Jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
ring master,n. 1. The master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A botter (qv).
ring sting,n. Inflammation of the ring (qv) as a result of pissing rusty water (qv) such as after visiting the Rupali restaurant in Newcastle and sampling the worldıs hottest curry.
Roger Ramjet,n. Botter.
Ronson,rhym. slang Arse. From Ronson lighter - shiter.
root Aus,v.  To shag.
rope the pony,euph. To wank.
rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US,n. Penis; chopper; whanger.
roundhead,n. A pink Darth Vadar (qv) after the surgical removal of his Kojakıs roll-neck (qv); a yiddled whanger.
round up the tadpoles,euph. To wank; bash the bishop.
rub-a-tug shop,n. Down market brothel; house of ill repute.
rubber Johnny,n. A blob; contraceptive. Also rubber.
rug munchers,n.,See fanny noshers.
rump gully,n. Viewed from Biffin bridge (qv), the gradually sloping valley beyond kak canyon.
rumpy pumpy,n. A polite term for sexual intercourse used by professional people, vicars etc.
russet gusset,n. Skidmarks (qv) or dangleberry (qv) smudging of the shreddies (qv).
rusty sheriffıs badge,euph. Ride along Biffin bridge (qv) from John Wayneıs hairy saddlebags (qv) and there it is, right in the middle of kak canyon. Just before rump gulley.
rusty water,See piss rusty water.
saddle bags,n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. As in John Wayneıs hairy saddlebags.
salami slapper,n. One who tolls upon their own bell end (qv); a wanker.
salmon canyon,n. The area beyond the beef curtains (qv); that boat crewed by the bald man (qv); fanny.
sausage jockey,n. Anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down.  homo-phobic Botter.
sausage sandwich,n. A juicy salami slipped between two pink baps, the end result of which is a pearl necklace (qv).
SBD,abbr. Silent but deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas. Also silent but violent.
scumbag,n. The ultimate term of abuse known to Garry Bushell and other tabloid journalists.
sea monster,See swamp donkey.
serpent socket,euph. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake (qv) connects.
shaft 1.,v. To shag; screw. 2.  The penis. 3. The black private dick thatıs a sex machine to all the chicks.
shag,v. To have sex; to fuck.,n. A sexual encounter; a screw.
shagability ,n. A measurement of how shaggable a person is.
shaggable,n. One who has a high degree of shaggability.
shagged out,n.  Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; fucked.
shake the lettuce,euph. fem. Girly expression for having a piss.
shaking hands with the unemployed,euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo and the pink Darth Vadar; wanking.
shampoo the rug,euph. To lose oneıs population paste (qv) on a mapatasi (qv). Often when get-ting off at Edge Hill (qv).
shave a horse,euph. To have a piss; take a leak.
shed,n. A large, promiscuous woman; slag. Somewhere to stick your tools.
Sherman,rhym.,,slang. Mastur-bate. Sherman tank - wank.
shirt lifter,See uphill gardener.
shit a brick 1. interj. Exclam-ation of surprise. 2.,euph. To be scared.,See shit your pants.
shiter (shy-tuh),n. Arse; kak cannon. That which shites.
shite house (shyt-howss),n. Outside lavatory.
shit faced,n. Arseholed; intox-icated; drunk to excess. As in: ³I saw that Rory McGrath the other night. He was shit faced². 
shit locker,n. Arse; bomb bay.
shit stabber,n. Pork sword-sman. shitter,n. 1. Anus; kakpipe. 2. Lavatory.
shit your pants ,v. To be scared; drop a brick; cake ones kecks.
shoot bunnies posh,euph. To fart; pass wind; blow off.
shoot in your boot,euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard said: ³Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in my boot².
shoot your load,v. To ejac-ulate;  lose your mess; discharge the porridge gun (qv).
shoulder boulders ,n. Large breasts; gazungas.
shreddies,n. Undercrackers; kecks; underpants; trolleys.
Sigourney Weaver,rhym. slang Beaver; Davey Crockettıs hat.
sing sweet violets,euph. Airy alternative to building a log cabin (qv); to take a dump.
siphon the python,euph. Point Percy (qv) at the porcelain; have a piss.
sixth gear,n. Wanking, esp. in a parked car.
skid marks,n. Severe russet gusset (qv); pebble dashing (qv) of the undercrackers.
slap the monkey,See bash the bishop.
skin boat,n. Penis.  As in: ³Iıll take the old skin boat to tuna town². attr. Burgess Meredith.
skin flick,n. Art house film; blue movie; mamba matinee.
skin flute,See fleshy flugelhorn, bed flute.
skull buggery,euph. Pugwash; salami sucking.
slapper,n. Slag; dirty woman.  She who has been a round a bit. 
slash,n. A piss; wee wee.
slash and burn,n. 1. Deforest-ation technique. 2. A painful symptom of venereal disease.
slime (ss-loym) Aus,v. To ejac-ulate; chuck ones muck. As in: ³Hev yer slimed yet Bruce?² ³Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya puttinı me orf².
sloppy seconds ,n. To be tow-ards the back of a train (qv).,See also stirring the porridge.
slit,n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich.
smoke the bald man,euph. To light up a salami cigarette. Also smoke the white owl,
snatch,n. Quim; vagina. 
snatch mouse,n. Tampon.
snowball,v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth. Sort of thing.
soapy tit wank,n. Sausage sandwich (qv) served in the bath or shower.
sour apple quickstep,euph. Suffering from diarrhoea. As in: ³Your wife is taking rather a long time in the powder room². ³Yes, Iım afraid sheıs dancing the sour apple quickstep this evening².,See also Tijuana cha-cha.
spadger Aus,n. Vagina.
spam alley,n. The ideal venue for spam javelin (qv) throwing.
spam javelin,n.  Penis.
spam sceptre,euph. Penis; pork sword (qv); cock.
spasm chasm,See spam alley.
spend tuppence in haıpennies and farthings ,euph.  To pass loose stools; have diarrhoea.
spiderıs legs,n. Of muffs (qv), rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the the knicker line.
spit roast,n. To be simultan-eously skewered at both ends by pork swords (qv); a sausage jockey (qv) who plays a pink oboe (qv) whilst still in the saddle.
splash me boots,euph. To have a piss.
split a kipper,euph. male To have sex. As in ³This lady appears to like me. With luck I may later have the opportunity to split a kipper².
sponge,n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive, feminine partner; the noshee as opposed to the nosher. Usually the thin one.,See also stone.
spooge US,n. Semen.
sprogdrop,n. Pregnancy. As in: ³Congratulations. I hear your wifeıs suffering from sprogdrop².
spunk,n. 1. slang Semen. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Tinder made from fungus. 4. Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk.
spunk dustbin,See bucket fanny; box of assorted creams (qv). Also spunk bucket.
spurt your curd,euph. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and spirit.
squirts,n. The condition also known as the sour apple quick-step. Also squitters, squits.
steak drapes,n. Gammon goalposts; beef curtains (qv).
stench trench,disaffectionate,euph. Fanny.
steg,n.  Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, pre-historic dinosaur. abbr. Stego-saurus.,See also shed; swamp donkey. 
sticky belly flap cock,n. A post wank condition suffered by bishop bashers (qv).
stiffy,n. A bone on; erection.
Stilton muffle,n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten (qv).
stirring the porridge,euph. To have sloppy seconds; to dip into a box of assorted creams (qv).
stoat,n. Beaver; hairy clam.
stone,n. Of  gay men and women, the opposite of a sponge (qv). The dominant partner. And usually no oil painting either.
strain your greens,euph. To have a piss.
strangle Kojak,euph. Male masturbation; peeling  the carrot; stroking the wookie.,See Kojakıs roll-neck.
stroke mag,n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentle-manıs interest magazine.
swamp donkey,n. A female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea monster; steg.
switch hitter US,n. Bisexual; AC/DC; one who bends both ways.   Deriv. baseball - the ability to bat with both hands. 
sword swallower,n. Sword as in the pork variety.
tackle,See wedding tackle.
tackleshack,n. Underpants.
tadger,n. Penis.
tadpole yoghurt ,euph.  A dressing to accompany a sausage sandwich (qv).
tagnuts,n. Winnits; dangle-berries; mince medallions.
tail gunner,See rear gunner.
taint,n. Niffinıs bridge (qv). ³Tainıt arse and ıtainıt fanny². 
take a Chinese singing lesson,euph. Have a piss.
taking Captain Pickard to warp speed  TV baldy/cock,euph. Masturbation; strangling Kojak.
tallywhacker,n. jovial  Penis; old man.
Tardis fanny,n. Deceptively spacious snatch (qv); bargain bucket (qv).
tatty water (ta-tee-wa-ta),n. Spud juice; semen.  Literally - potato water. 
tea towel holder,euph. Anus. From the 1950s plastic Œfinger poke styleı kitchen accessory.
technicolour yawn,See pave-ment pizza.
tenpin,v. To place digits simul-taneously in the tea towel holder (qv) and the fish mitten (qv). From ten pin bowling.
thrap,v. To masturbate furious-ly; to give it six nowt on the Right Honourable member for Underpants.
three legged beaver,euph. Homosexual.
thruppeny bits,rhym. slang Tits. abbr. thrups. 
throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street ,euph.   Newcastle Unsatisfying sex with a bucket fannied (qv) individual. As in: ³Why man,  it was like throwinı a fuckinı Woodbine doon Northumberland Street². Also Leeds throwing a sausage up Briggate. 
thunder box,n. archaic Lav-atory; water closet.
thunder mug,n. Chamber pot.
Tijuana cha-cha,n. Diarrhoea.,See sour apple quickstep.
tiffter,n. An unwanted erection.
tit fairies,n. The fictional visitors who magically transform the wifeıs fried eggs (qv) into TNTs (qv)  during   pregnancy. 
tit wank,See soapy tit wank.
TNTs,abbr. Two nifty tits.
toosh,n. Totty. From US tush,v. meaning arse.
tonsil hockey,n. Kissing. As in: ³Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?²
top bollocks,n. Breasts.
topless hand shandy,n. A service available from rub-a-tug shops (qv) for between £5 and £25.
toss,v. 1. To wank. 2. To flip pancakes during cooking. 
toss parlour,See rub-a-tug shop.
tosspot,n. A person held in low esteem; a fuckwit.
totty,n. chauvinistic  Girls; fanny. As in: ³Hey, this carıs a fanny magnet (qv). Since I bought it Iıve had to beat off the totty with a shitty stick². 
touching cloth,n. The stage immediately after turtles head (qv) when the stool establishes contact with the undergarments.  As in: ³Is there a toilet anywhere round here mate? Iım touching cloth².
tradesmenıs entrance,euph. Back passage.
train,See pull a train.
trolleys,n. Kecks; underpants.
trots,See squirts.
trouser cough,n. Fart; botty burp.
trouser Mauser,n. A small rapid firing porridge gun (qv).
trouser trumpet ,n.  1. A fart. 2. The anus.
tubesteak,n. A beef bayonet on the bone.
tug boat,n. A woman of plain appearance and a compact, mus-cular build; swamp donkey (qv).
tummy truncheon,n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis.
tuna town,n. Female genitalia.,See also skin boat. 
tuppence licker,n. Lesbian.
turning Japanese,euph. Wank-ing.,See also grin like a wanking Jap.
turtleıs head,n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate starfish (qv); the point at which contracts are ex-changed for the building of a log cabin (qv). ,See also touching cloth.
twat,n. 1. A stupid person. 2. A minge.
two puppies fighting in a bag,euph. Large, mobile and unres-trained breasts.
two up,n. Two up.
Twix lips,n. A front bottom (qv) version of hungry arse (qv).,See also camelıs foot.
U blocker,n. A turd so big it causes a jobbie jam in the plumbing system.
U.D.I.,Unidentified drinking injury. A mysterious injury received during a bender (qv) and of which the victim has no recollection.
undefuckable,adj. Damaged beyond repair.
up to your nuts in guts,euph. male Aus. Engaged in sexual intercourse.
undercarriage,n. Genitalia (male or fem); wedding tackle. 
undercrackers,n. Kecks; shreddies; Y fronts.
unit,n. Penis. As in: ³I slipped her my unit².
uphill gardener,euph. He who hoes on the pink allotments; the pusher of a cheesey wheelbarrow (qv) up the kak canyon; a male homosexual.
vadge,n. Vagina; fish mitten. Also US vag.
Valentines Day porridge,n. Semen.
veiny bang stick,n. Penis; one eyed trouser snake.
Velcro triangle,n. Minge; mot; mapatasi. Also Velcro valley.
vertical bacon sandwich,n. That which is clearly visible in hamburger shots (qv). Also vertical smile, vertical taco.
vinegar strokes,n. male   The final, climactic stages of inter-course or masturbation. As in: ³Would you believe it? The phone rang just as I was getting onto the vinegar strokes². From the similar facial expressions achieved when sipping vinegar.
vixen,n. A wily bird; a young temptress; a foxy chick. e.g. Stevie Nicks in about 1978.
vixer,n. A sausage eater (not,euph.) who hogs all the beach beds on foreign holidays.
vurp,n. A burp which brings up a small but foul tasting quantity of stomach contents, small enough to be gulped straight back down again.
walnut,n. Gland up the male arse which causes immediate ejaculation when poked.
walnut manouvre,n. The mythical method by which good looking nurses are trained to poke your walnut (qv) in order to obtain a sperm sample.
wank 1.,n. Rubbish; nonsense. ³That is a load of wank². 2.,n. Masturbation. ³That was a dead good wank².  3.,v. To masturbate. ³I really enjoy wanking².
wanker,n. 1. He who wanks. 2. A fellow road user; a motorist at whom one waves. As in: ³Yeah... and you too, you wanker².
wankily,adj. Badly; sub standard. ³He did that really wankily².
wank sock,n. A sock used in wanking. Possibly tied to a bed post and designed to indicate when wind conditions are suitable for masturbation.
wanking spanners,n. Hands.
wap-waps,n. Breasts. Also de-doo-wap-waps.
waz,v. variously To piss; to puke; to wank.
wazzed ,adj. To be pissed, puked or wanked, presumably.
wear the beard,v. To perform oral sex on a woman.  Of lesb-ians, the stone (qv). As in: ³You can tell she wears the beard². Not to be confused with beard (qv).
wedding tackle,n. The male genitalia.
wedge,v. To pull anotherıs underpants up the crack of their arse.,n. A wedgie.
welly top,n. A term used to describe the vagina.  ³She had a fanny like a welly top².
whanger,n. Large penis. As in: ³My, thatıs a fair whanger you have in your pants².
wheek,v. Scotch. To remove shit from an aeroplane toilet.
wheel tapping at the Bourne-ville factory,euph. Dabbling in homosexual practices;  the apprenticeship served prior to qualifying as a fully fledged coco shunter (qv). 
whidgey,n. Eire Front bottom.
whiff of lavender,euph. Sus-picion of a beard (qv) bride. As in: ³I donıt know about Edward. Thereıs a whiff of lavender about that marriage².
white mouse,n. Tampon.
whitewater wristing,euph. To pull your pud; masturbate.
white wee wee,n. Planet Skaros Dalek term for semen.
willnots,n. Tagnuts; dangle-berries. Arse fudge entwined in the kak canyon foliage which simply will not come off.
Woolly Woofter,rhym. slang Poofter.
wind jammer,n. A brownpipe engineer (qv) who leaves his tool in the wind pipe.
winky 1.,n. A babyıs cock. 2.adj. Having a tendency to wink. 
winkybag 1.,n. A babyıs scrotum. 2.,n. An ugly woman who winks a lot.
winnie,n. Lesbian; she who licks the honey pot.
winnit,n. Kling-on; dangleberry (qv); brown room hangers on.
wood,n. Erectness of the cock. ³I have got wood². 
woody,n. An erection.
X-ray specs,n. Spectacles usually available by mail order only from crappy magazines which enable the wearer to see through a womanıs clothing.
XXX  A special video certificate awarded to pornographic films of exceptionally poor sound and picture quality.
xylophone,v. To move along a line of naked women who are all bending down, and spank their bottoms - which are of varying sizes - with ones penis; to play a tune on womens buttocks.  From the Greek xylo meaning wood (qv) and phonnicus meaning to hit tunefully.
yabba dabbas,n. The climactic stages of intercourse; vinegar strokes (qv).
yak,n. 1. A large, hairy animal of untidy appearance. 2. Feministıs beaver (qv); minge with a pant moustache (qv).
Y bone steak,n. The female opposite of a tube steak (qv).
yongles US,n. Testicles.
yank the plank,euph. To spank your plank.
yarbles,n. Testicles. attr. A Clockwork Orange.
zeps,abbr. Zeppelins euph. Large breasts. Also Hindenburgs.
zig-a-zig ahhhh!,onomatopoeia To have a bloody good wank while watching a Spice Girls video.
Zinzanbrook (zin-zan-bruk),NZ,rhym. slang  Fuck; have sex.
zipperfish,n. Penis; trouser trout; underpant eel, etc.
zorba,v. To have sex with a native whilst on holiday in Greece. As in: ³Did you zorba?²
zuffle,v. To wipe oneıs cock on the curtains after having sex in a posh birdıs house.
rabbit-boiler,a seriously over-obsessive former shag (invariably female); after storyline in  Fatal Attraction'; to be avoided at all costs.
Raspberry Ripples,Nipples. As in on a cold morning. -Did you see that bird's Raspberry's. Like Pigmy's Cocks they were"
let the pigeons flap,to have shit;  /flap" - ,crap"
Ring Piece,The old bourneville boulevard
weeping gash,female genitalia in state of venerial disease
Gushing beard,Well lubricated love tunnel
Pot the Brown,Snooker expression?
fanoir,French for vagina, as in "Vous etes un fucking fanoir, vous cunt"
Fudge Tube,Arsehole
sorbet,an over used minge
Booty,Not Caribbean pirate treasure, this word describes a nice round arse in the Bahamas
cock snot,spunk
wolf bag,anaal sex
joey,named after the famous blue peter star "joey deacon"who thrilled the nation with his spastic antics.
arse- wipe,a person who is a complete waste of time
harry monk,spunk
donkified,Describing the male genitilia on a 'big cock day'.
big cock day,A day in which the male genetilia is obviously seen to be larger than usual
Starfish. n,An easily-persuaded woman
cuntor,Stupid looking bournville  boulevard walker  
bizatch,another word for bitch
Turd burglar,Synonyms:Pile pusher; poo poker;  dirt box bandit.  Meaning: One who shops in Winnit Wonderland
pop back in on Monday,to return for more sex at one's previous place of business; usually presented as a parting remark to one's friend in the office upstairs
fuckdidded,a broken guitar string, particularly in Polynesian meoldies. Heard mostly in the antipodes.
Dancer of the chocolate cha cha,euph: Butthole surfer (see navigator of the windward passage)
Blue nosed junket dunker,noun -  Aus - penis 
Let blue nose off for a run,euph - to go out for the night with the intention of parking the blue nosed junket dunker (qv) in a suitable parking bay
WANKING CHARIOT,To retire to one's bed. To go to your 'wanking chariot'.
Billingsgate Box,As in the London fish market when referring to a smelly mop.
frippers,Labia
spill the beans,to spill ones beans on her carpet is to jip all over the floor
rat's cock,not the dog's bollocks
the wound that never heals,fanny, pussy
stench trench,fanny, pussy, the wound that never heals (qv)
get off Crewe,Euph,  get off at Edge Hill (qv)
rusty sherrif`s badge,arse-hole
doughnut puncher,arse bandit
knob-jockey,one who enjoys riding other mens pork swords
growling at the badger,to perform oral sex on a female.  Phrase believed to have been drawn from Billy Connolly's use.  
cooze,The gap behind the old beef curtains ?
Plinth,Stance taken immediately prior to penetration.  As in, "What ya doin' luv?", "I'm just plinthing"
Gristle thistle,A persistent, purple-headed weed, likely to be found in the garden of a moss cottage (q.v.)
mudsliders,those that indulge in the brown shower
Jake,(Scottish) Extremely ugly woman; boiler, hag. See also, Jakeit
Jakeit,(Scottish) To be ugly; wouldn't touch it with yours; slapper; dog;
Whoremaster,(Scottish) sexually promiscuous male who delights himself in the acquiring of whores; do not confuse this term with 'pimp'  a man who procures whores for others.) 
Fanny Fright,(Scottish) A male afraid to have sex.
PissFlaps,(Slang) Womans labia
Lady Di,An unwanted erection; a stiff that won't go away
Purple Cyclops,Bellend, Meatius, Jerry Helmet, Sowester etc.
Monkeys Chin,Protruder, Camels Hoof etc  Bulge at front of females trousers. i.e. Check the fucking "Monkeys Chin" on that!
Splitarse,Derogatory term for woman, female etc
Personalities,Breasts  As in "She's got a nice pair of  personalities"
balloon Knot,n. apuckered gazoo: bum hole
to vinegar ones chips,have a slash
hit and miss,rhyming slang for a drunken piss
bawbag,scots; adjective; a useless person
glory wipe,n.A close relative of the "ghost shit" whereby you escape - or are denied - the traditional soiled encounter with a sheet of used toilet roll after wiping one's arse. As in: "I've just lit a bum cigar, but to my surprise when I wiped it was a glory wipe."  origins unknown.     
nudger,penis:The bald avenger
anal muff,To jab chocolate starfish with diving knife
Waps,Breasts, especially ones of large proportions
Dung Funnel,Arse hole
Beef bayonet,See "pork sword".
Plum,Manc.  One who utilises a wank sock
blind coblers' thumbs,see chapel hat pegs
Pluffer,noun.    A ladies reproductive organ.    usage; '....right up the pluffer....!    
In up to the buffers,Have ones penis inserted as far as it will go
Womb Ferret,Penis, usually erect.  e.g. "Glistening purple headed one eyed womb ferret."
make your bladder gladder,urinate
afterbirth on toast,pizza
nosh the squash,oral sex
go postal,(US) reference to employee going berserk and shooting/stabbing attacking fellow workers  from rather regular occurance of US postal employees going into offices and shooting everyone in sight)
land mines,dog shit found on streets or in back gardens of homes (look out, there are land mines in the garden)
prostate,gland in male urogenital tract which produces majority of seminal fluids which are ejaculated at orgasm.  Often mispronouced by dullards as "prostrate"
prostrate,1) to lie suppine or horizontal on the floor (normally face down);   2) mispronunciation by dullards of gland in male urogenital tract which produces majority of seminal fluids which are ejaculated at orgasm.   (see prostate)  
dumb as fuck,basic garden variety moron
thick as a brick,1) stupid;   2) Jethro Tull tune
bra burner,1) woman who belongs to women's rights movement;  2) woman who couldn't get a shag if she lay stark naked outside the docks where ships have come in after several months at sea
love muffin,vagina
muffin,stool produced by female or mule
shineola,(US) shoe shine product often used in description of comparitive stupidity ("He doesn't know shit from shineola")
shit eating grin,wide grin on person, usually to denote extreme glee (source unknown, and probably too awful to try and contemplate)
Five-to-two-er,A very manky lass - so called because the only time you would chat her up is after a skinful of beer in a night-club  at five-to-two) in the last hope for a shag (i.e. 'She's a right five-to-two-er'
Milk Race,Game played by 14-year-old schoolboys. Basically, a wanking competition normally played in the showers after P.E.
backdoor boogie,to bot, as in "she loves doing the backdoor boogie"
Monkey juice,n. custard; mess; semen
Hammertons,A splendidly large pair of breasts
SOPLAPOLLAS,SPANISH VERSION OF ,COCKSUCKER"
wolfbagging,a sexual act performed by users of the other bus.
Cum Breath,The after effects of giving oral sex.
Tub-thumping,The act of wanking a fat bloke
Monkey's Forehead,The triangular area of pubes on a lady
bush butter,fanny fat batter
Tap Tool,Penis with unusual bend half way down like President Bill Clinton's. As in "I could recocognise that Tap Tooled c**t with a bag on my head"
Badly made roast beef sandwich,Female naughty bits
wide on,a rush of blood to the womans groin;  a womans hard on   attributed to Irvine Welsh's .Extasy"    
fuck stick,(noun) penis, pork sword, mutton dagger, one-eyed bed snake, porridge cannon, weiner
hound,female bereft of physical beauty (irish) 
pisher,scottish term for genitals  as in the phrase "I dont know much about love, but give me a flash of your pisher
cunnifungus,Fanny batter gone bad
spiky joe,n. troublesome deposit one must      endure following excessive     chick-king/McTuckys intake.     qv. pine-cone
vertical mince pie,Minge;   leading to remark on catching  a glimpse of said pie *Ah! Christmas is   coming early"
Odell, adj A particularly fat and sweaty man. Pigman
Fat,The awakening of the One-Eyed-Python, as in  "It's not a full-blown stiffy, but I,ve definitely got a fat on"
Cat-Flaps,Labia.   As in," She wouldn't let me in the front door, but I had a swing of her Cat Flaps"
Giraffe's Ear,Hairy Pie
Salsa Dip,To perform intercourse during Rag Week  "She was on the rag but she still let me have a quick Salsa Dip"
FUBAR,(US) acronym - Fucked Up  Beyond All Recognition
SNAFU,(US) Acronym - Situation Normal, All Fucked Up
wicked piss,(US) urgent requirement to urinate
ICBM,(US) reference to phallus (InterCuntinental Ball-istic Missile)
Hot Meat Injection,meaning sexual intercourse, or a fuck. 
cock cheese,The scegma on one's cock.   Found under helmets when not   washed properly.
chebs,mammary glands
Disco Beaver,North eastern girl that frequents discos
Turd Burgalar,Arse Bandit;Shit stabber Fudge packer
Blue veined yoghurt squirter,Penis;Old man;John Thomas
Butthole surfer,Poof;see also Turd Burgalar
Ginger Beer,Cockney for queer;Uphill gardener
Jobby jaber,a brown pipe engineer 
arse-wipe,A person who is good for wiping arses, but not much else.
Parfum de Plop,An acrid, pungent bum-gas expulsion heralding an imminent need to pass stools
slapper,a promiscuious lady, of essex origin
Cock Porridge,(see Population Paste)
cachu,pronuonced  cacka)  welsh for shit,turd,log.
bobby bunk,rhyming slang. means spunk, population paste, jizz.
Quivery Quim,one with a cold snatch. maybe due to strong winds or draft.
poona,bicycle saddle sniffer  
Triangular Doormat,Another word for the womans honeypot, i.e. something Winnies would like.   e.g. " Come on luv, give us a go with ya triangular doormat "...(wife) " OK, but wipe your feet on your way in !"
Doormat bashers,Lesbians..The art of bashing traingular doormats in a frenzied lesbian romp 
banana yogurt,a tasty light meal for any time of the day
Work up a batch,To rub ones member until it explodes
cats arse,Dissaproving. Questioning of accuracy. As in  cats arse, I never went anyway near her".
Frankie Vaughan,Porn
Hoop,This is your arse
robsnob,small brown stained tadger
Clinker,Shit hanging on an anual pubic
Shunter,One who Shunts (v), person who hangs to the left, bread buttered on both sides, commonly known as Freddy or Elton. Poof!
gimp,Homosexual scouser who prefers men with beards
Fuckpuppet,Adj. General definition for a female, with three orificies.
mingeater,an indian lesbian
laying hen,(irish) A woman with a job and/or a car.                
GLITTER,TO COCK UP......  IN MORE WAYS THAN 1!  EITHER IN VITHUAL MIND OR IN A COMPUTER REPAIR DEPT 
Road Apples,Horse manure
Carpet Muncher,Alternative word for a lesbian.  As they "munch" on each others  carpets.
pulverising porcelain,Shiting bricks
Monkey Bum Fuckery, Sexual intercourse with a member of the Simian genus,  i.e. apes, gibbons, red hot chili peppers etc. 
Bagpiping,The act of intercourse in the armpit.
Yodel in the canyon,(Verb) to perform cunnilingus.
Bolu,Across between a brew and a larup
Goppin,Unatractive female
Flock of Seagulls,The sound made by ones arse cheeks flapping together during the emmission of arse gravy.
surfboard, from NZ)  a girl's fanny pad  worn during the 'off season'
Barrineeki,arabic for fuck yourself
Rowing The Boat,A Lady providing masturbation for two gentlemen simultaneously  as in -does she row the boat?")
Tagging The Pidgeon,Wanking
gibbon gristle,that which shoots white wee-wee
wanker,a person who wanks a lot
Third eye,1.) Metaphysical sensory organ believed to enable man to perceive goings-on beyond the corporeal. 2. Anus.
Golden Bozo's,Breasts, Titties, Jugs
Scania Wheel Nuts. JCB Start,Large Errect Nipples , Chappel Hat Pegs
chutney ferret,arse bandit, fudge nudger, homosexual, gay.
Gibbing,to stick your cock up a chickens arse, trapping its neck in a door and getting off to the muscular spasms.  Slang : Bullshit, as in *Are you gibbing me"?
langer(s),(i A penis  (ii A complete prick as in, he`s  a right langer!  (iii)Pissed as in, Christ!I was langers last night!
jism,sperm,spunk bodily fluid
Scania wheel nuts,Erect nipples. Look at her shes got nipples like scania wheel nuts  
whisker pot,ladies front bottom
Knob-gobbler,Person or persons of whom their intellegence is in doubt
Muff puff,Release of air from your lovers fanny
Wide On,Female version of a hard on
tug-nut,butt clinker, arse nugget, a small deposit of bovril bullet on one's bottom hairs.  
Gutted Rabit,Location for Insertion of Badger Bung
hornbag,a female that is well capable of giving even the pope a raging horn.
dirtbag,a hornbag that is mucky, and is most commonly found along Southend sea-front on a Friday night.
poo,smelly brown shit  
lady pleaser,(n)love truncheon, purple-headed trouser snake, does not apply to prune pushers, cock jockeys and travelers on the marmite motorway
tea-bagging,to dunk one's love sacks in partners mouth shortly before con structing a pearl necklace. EG -Does your missus use your pubes as dental floss after a tea-bagging session?"
broat ,the unpleasant variety of   belch that results in a   mouthful of sick.  
mirkin or merkin,a genuine old English word for a wig of hair to cover the pubic region of a man or woman.
turd burgler,homosexual
Goo Gun,Penis
bastard-splash,shagging somebody who doesn't strictly qualify as your wife
gristle,see banjo !
pork sword,trusty companion sidearm to the lamb cannon
uphill gardener,exponent of the brown art of buggery
Kipperchuff. baby!, 1 A shout of joy as one concludes ones vinegar strokes, and unloads ones muck within a hairy pie.   2 A term of abuse, shouted at women with a known history of poor personal hygiene.
slip a fatty,engage in sexual intercourse
Feed the Pony,Derived from the hand action  cupped hand, a little tentative to start with, and then with more confidence).  In context:  "Murray, did you  feed the pony' last night?"
furgle,To copulate rudely with a member of the opposite sex.  Used by Joseph Heller in Catch-22.  Probably originates from the German term  "v geln", which means... to copulate rudely with a  member of the opposite sex.    (KAH, 5.1.98)
corn beef lighthouse,Penis, pink oboe.
Duckbutter,The stuff that's left on your privates after sex. A mixture of his and hers.
Shee-Shee,Extremly angry word in usage ten years ago in the East Riding by red faced, overweight 15 year olds when teased and shoved around a bit.
John Wayne Saddle Bags,Oversized labia
Mott,Euph - Fanny
Menlover,Lover of men (works when used against blokes rather then women)
Kidney Wiper,Large male appendage, Dick, Cock etc.
Shagademus,Shagging whilst listening to reggae music
arsebandit,shirtlifter  shitstabber  hampster killer  etc. etc.  I think you get the picture
Strum the Cashew,Female masturbation
Spuds deep,Particularly good and hard sex where the testicles (spuds) reach all the way into the bucket (vagina). This could also occur when dating an old slapper or spud farmer
spuff gut,also known as the beetle bonnet; the area upon which one's population paste is deposited
Semen Stains,rude character from the BBC cartoon series Captain Pugwash
Barry White,rhym. slang for shite
Gypsies Kiss,rhym. slang for piss
Rusty Bullet Hole,Barking Spider
Maintaining the Marmite Motorw,Botter
posh wank,masturbation while using a condom to prevent spillage
Cock Sock,Womans vagina
Frottage,Verb. To reach +Billy Mill round-about"(qv) whilst rubbing the bishop between the thighs of ones partner. Often results in a shampooing of the carpet(qv)
Back door conquistador,One who kicks with the left foot; a rider of the chocolate speedway
Flapjack (n.),Something to jack apart (piss- or bum-) flaps; a trouser trout.
Sausage Wallet (n.),Fleecy carpet slipper; cow curtains. (You know ... CUNT.)
pulling the goalie,to bash the bishop (qv)
spank the plank,see pull the goalie
saffron starfish,that possesed by a +bott" who frequents indian restaurants too frequently.
raspberry ripples,rhyming slang, used in mixed company between  men to appreciate a woman's sticky outy  bits. Generally when they are cold. The nipples  not the men. Although if the nipples are  pretty cold, I suppose the men might well  be too.
waxing the dolphin,My friend Doug suggested this one, apparently  something to do with masturbation. And he  is the expert on that, being a ginger tosser.  I am still not sure why he refers to his  todger as flipper.
Salty dog yoghurt,You come in after a night on the piss to great your pubescent yorkshire terrier. A combination of canine hormones, fucked up neural signals and genuine excitement at your return, results in a face full of salty dog yoghurt as he rolls over and he plays dead for Queen and cunt-tree.   
Yeast Bone,Noun. Collouquialism. Oft heard phrase echoing around G.U.M. clinics throughout East Yorkshire. As in .eh, you seen the state of that yeast bone, penis weasels the size of labradors." Cured by Canestan B, or lucrative marmite sponsorship. 
Schlong,Cock, Penis, Dick, Member of the Board of Erections
BINT,Derogatory term for a silly old slapper. Derrived from the concatenation of BItch and CuNT; a bird; a bit of fluff
Hot Meat Injection,meaning sexual intercourse, or a fuck. 
robey douglas,anus, bottom, chocolate star-fish, rusty bullet hole
coco shunter,see brown hatter
burnt shreded wheat,ladies pubic hair of the coarser variety
Back seat driver,A gentleman who prefers to give
Bury The Hobbit,Take part in a bit of the old hmmm hmmm... unmentionable.
stump,penis, hampton, tool (qv)  as in "to suck the stump",   give head,blowjob etc
Chark (n.),The tiny crusty medallions of dried semen on the floor near the bed.
blick,Dried semen uncomfortably embedded in body hair  esp. thigh).
shopper up the brown arcade,Someone who purchases their goods at the row of shops up kak-canyon.
chest bollocks,as in does your mother have chest bollocks
Spasm Chasm,See Vertical Bacon Sandwich
Stenchpipe,A particularly smelly fanny
wank chariot,bed 
grelbie,poor / smelly/ generally unpleasant person attr. The Macc Lads
Murkin,A hair-piece for the Nether-regions, ie a pubic wig.
Buggeryfucktwat,Expression of dismay i.e. Spunky comebucket
Tit-Shit,Expression used to describe the leakage from a breast feeding mother's nipples and the stain on the outer garments.
turd burglar,see arse bandit
poopchute policeman,a purple-headed bobby who likes to patrol the back streets. As in, "Watch not get detained by the poop police."
drip tray,n. the absorbent gusset of a pair of ladies knickers.
l,l
Blackpool Rock,Stools produced after drinking   too much guiness.
Autopederast,This is the correct terminology for the small percentage of men with the ability to insert their own penis into their own anus.  
putting from the rough,rear Admiral, anal assassin,  navigator of the windward passage, uphill gardener, sausage jockey, chocolate stabber, fudgepacker, fudgey Ralph  fem. = Alice), Bum bandit
suede doughnut,barking spider (qv), Hershey highway (qv), chocolate starfish (qv)
putting from the rough,rear Admiral, anal assassin,  navigator of the windward passage, uphill 
Tarzan Chord,piece of skin attaching the foreskin to the helmet
Catfood,Those small bits of fluff that collect in your belly button - they taste like catfood
slam-the-ham,euph. to masturbate vigorously, to wank with great enthusiasm
hummer,oral equivalent of a "knee trembler"
Boff,To engage in Sexual Intercourse  To screw  eg: "I Boffed the Mole"
Convoy Cock,Unwanted Stiffy, especially while driving (Miltary slang)
Lungbutter,The oyster-like substance you might find in your mouth after a coughing fit.
Miss Lincolnshire,1. Young Lady From Lincoln, Grimsby, Scunthorpe or other Lincolnshire town.  2. Woman Who is Flat and Boring.
Jenny Nalors,Nipples so erect you could hang a damp sou'wester on them. 
butcher's window,female reproductive organ
cumdumpster,a woman who has spew   paste put in every orafice of her body by multiple male partners on a daily basis 
posh wank,to masturbate with a condom; in shower.
Smegma Dome,A well incrusted cheesey bell   end.  As in "Your mother likes   the taste of my Smegma dome".
Labrador lipstick,Hard on, erection
Bill Grundies,Underpants, skiddies
Ham Shank,Wank, toss off
Hippo-croca-dog-a-pig,Woman of extremely undesirable appearance
Kidney wiping.,A variation of hiding the sausage.
oily skin rag,nobitious, peni, lamb cannon
Roy Castle,1) Penetration. Oooh Penetration,  that's what you need.  2) sexual intercourse of the   utmost best.
Spunk Sponge,A dirty bird  ure missus or girlfriend
Cunt,Acronym: C U Next Tuesday
Tommy Tucker,Imaginary rhyming slang for   "Silly Fucker"
Arse-bandit.,A poetic term defining the pilage of the male rectum   - forceful insertion of the famous salmon pink "oboe"
tibbin,n. cock, penis. male primary reproductive organ    
fugly,fucking ugly 
snail trail,what she leaves on the bed after a root
spla water,spunk, sperm, cum.  as in "I watched as my spla water dripped off her tits."
jap's eye,small hole at tip of warhead where pish and spunk come out.
Burst couch,See fanny
wide on,a state of female sexual arousal
Minging,On the way to being pissed, you feel minging.
Shake the bishop's hand,Take a piss
Shit-Faced,Pissed and stoned.  Inebriated.  Toxic from alcohol abuse drugs.  Fucken rotten.
klipski,The excremental residue left on the porcelain after the flush.  Read: klingon.
kokopops,Little balls of shit that stick to the hair in the crack of your arse and undies, after you haven't wiped properly.
Moisty,Bird's hairy minge piece
Drop Your Back,euph....To have a shit
Sink the Bismarck,euph.To have a really big Shit. As in " I'll be right back, I'm just off to sink the Bismarck"
trossle,To trossle oneself is to bash one's bishop.  
twilight man,shirt lifter
Rantallion,One who's scrotum hangs lower than his penis.
Bicuspid flange,A women's external genitalia, or labia. Term most commonly employed by plumbers, motor mechanics etc
Ukelele,Penis. As employed by George Formby : '...and I knew he was a boy, because he had a ukelele in his hand'.
Blob,It is when a female is on her cycle (normally a mountain bike).
Where the Sweet William Grows,Minge; vadge; hairy pie etc
Betty Swollocks,sweaty bollocks
F.M.B.,Fuck Me Boots    The type you find fat ugly slappers wearing which go right up to the knee
Free-Styling,Adopting a position while bashing the bishop in the shower or bath that does not cause the splashing noises that lead to discovery
Quimby,Middle person in a three person sex act. Also useful when squeezing three people in the back of a Mini, "Who's  goin to be the Quimby then!
sirloin curtains,vagina
Purple Veined Womb Ferret,Penis. As in my trouser pet smells a rabbit hiding somewhere warm up your skirt.
todger toaster,Woman's parts.
stirring the fudge,engaging in plunging your donger up the chocolate chimney
Squat Lobster,Seen on the fresh fish counter at Tesco's. This is the definition of a turd produced whist suffering constipation.
homeowner,to visit the chocolate motorway i.e. you are a homeowner
mortgage,to mortgage- to be a homeowner-to mortgage it up to the hilt
strain the hairy sarlacc
spanker,gorgeous bit of tot
rain forest,female genetalia
beer,fuck food! drink until you vomit, then drink some more.
doughnut shitter,uphill gardner
RCH,n, acronym, (pronounced *arc") U.S. construction worker unit of measure for very fine adjustments:  "Red cunt hair," as in, "hey, Mac, move it another arc over this way!"
TFAW,Time for a Wank - usually just after the missus has gone to bed.
Jeronimo,1.The climatic experience when  having done a shit.
Beef Skillet,See Captain's Pie    Donated by Iceland Frozen Foods
button groove,it's a girl thang now available on irons
badger,(N. Ireland) the kind of bird, normally of dubious origin, who annoys your head
fugly, Aus) Fucking ugly, as in 'that's fugly, mate'  
Turd Burglar,Homosexual
vaseline machine gun, Penis. Attributed to Leo Kotte.
Squid's mouth,Another word for bearded clam.(Toby Driver)
Crack-a-fat, Australian) To get an erection, or 'woodie'. Attributed to Chris Singer (true aussie).
Jelly Hammock,The gusset part of a pair womens knickers
Cragnuts,A great big sloppy poo that hangs out your arsehole and just wont fucking drop!
squirt some dirt,to have a shit
punch the munchkin,male masturbation
Globes of Joy,Womans' Breasts
ride the rigor,to perform necrophilia
Ghandi's flip-flops,piss flaps  ie. "have you ever smelt Ghandi's flip-flops?"
Golden bomb doors,Gammon flaps
coprolalia,Filthy speech
Bearded clam,vagina  ie.beetle bonnet
Poodle,A Homosexual
Bridger,A shit so  big it reaches from the ring piece to the pan water in one go and without any breakage.
Cock trampler,Person who consciously suppress his own erections or a person who is guaranteed to dispel erections on males no matter what the circumstances
Diamond Cutter,Euph. A fictional state of  erectness of the male penis,  where it is able to cut  Electronic Personal Organiser, but now /fingering my palm pilot" or "ere hold me palm pilot luv" takes on a whole new meaning. Suffice to say Palm Pilot owners around Britain will now be cringing at the very mention of their beloved tool  (fnar).
Purple Headed Warrior,n.Commander in chief of Trouser Division. With a reputation of being Hard.  hot blooded and with a disregard for anything else, will make a charge for any Beef cutains waved in its line of fire.
Messonthedress,Person not capable of maintaining any significant timeframe in their sexual performance