My Reason To Go On Continued

[flutterby]

"MY REASON CONTINUED "
PLEASE MAXIMIZE YOUR SCREEN

"When we have passed the tests we were sent to Earth to learn, we are allowed to graduate. We are allowed to shed our body, which imprisons our soul the way a cocoon encloses the future butterfly, and when the time is right we can let go of it. Then we will be free of pain, free of fears and free of worries--free as a beautiful butterfly returning home to God... which is a place where we are never alone, where we continue to grow and to sing and to dance, where we are with those we loved, and where we are surrounded with more love that we can ever imagine."
Written by: Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, The Wheel of Life

The Very Best Reason To Go On..
Picture on the left: My Boys
Starting from the left: Robert 4, Tyler 6, and Justin 2.
Picture on the right: All Four
Starting from left: Robert 10, Justin 8, Tyler 11 1/2 and Brittany 2 1/2.

Hi again, I'm glad you scooted on over to my second page. The picture of the semi is a bigger size, so please click on the link below and it will take you there. When your finished looking just click on your back button up top of your page.
Semi Picture
Last picture of Dennis and I together.This was taken in February/95.

The picture of the Semi was taken while I was still trapped in it. The picture came from the police files that I was able to get through my lawyer. I was trapped on the side that was smashed into the guardrail.The semi had a load of bananas that weighed 57000 lbs.

I spent 3 weeks in Royal Inland Hospital in Kamloops. I was then airlifted to Vancouver General Hospital, 20 minutes driving distance from home. Another 3 weeks were spent there. While at V.G.H, I underwent surgery for my smashed jaw and cheek bone.(I'am the bionic woman omitting the bionics) my face is fused together with metal. The thing about being close to home was I could see my kids regularly, it made my rehab a bit easier. I was also fitted with a prothesis for my above elbow amputation. That was like the icing on the cake, I hated it! It was at that moment that reality hit me, my arm was gone..it was never coming back! I became very depressed and extremely hard to deal with. Finally after 3 weeks I got to go home. That was a great help to me, my own place, familiar surroundings and most importantly my children! I had homecare help, for there was not much I could do. My left hand was still in a slab and my right leg was still in very bad shape. My Mom and my bestfriend Cheryl helped me with a lot of personal care. I refused to let a stranger help me (me stubborn? naaaa).

Rehab was very difficult for me, at times I spent days angry again for being saved. I would be lying to you, if I said the thoughts of ending my life weren't there...they were. It would've been so easy as I was still on many pain meds. But then I'd look at my kids and have a little voice in my head say "no mom." I was extremely depressed with my appearance and found it very difficult being around others. The way I saw it...what person would want me? (Something I still struggle with to this day).The things I once enjoyed doing, I didn't anymore. I couldn't handle everyone staring at me...I started going to counselling; that has helped some. My life revolved around one specialist after another (still does). I never have worn my prothesis, I see it and I turn from Dr.Jekyl to Mr.Hyde, so it collects dust in my bedroom closet! One day maybe...the way I see it is; when I'm ready I will. There will come a time when I may not have a choice. My back is in bad shape, from the weight on both sides not being distributed evenly (I lean to my right side; not a good thing). My left hand and shoulder have severe tendonitis because of over use,and I also have excrutiating jaw pain. I've had many treatments of laser surgery to remove the embedded dirt, glass and metal from my face, chest and stomach...ouch!!!! I'am still in need of more plastic surgery to my chin and both legs, 7 teeth implants and probable right knee surgery. None of which I'm looking forward to.
Picture taken at the accident site Apr. 15th/96, this was the 1st Anniversary. This was also the first time I had been there since that fateful day. I placed a dozen long stemed red and white roses at the "fixed" guard rail. From there I went to meet the paramedic that saved my life for the first time, and then to ICU at Royal Inland Hospital. I had so many questions, things I needed to know, the paramedic and nurses in ICU were able to finally answer some of them, it was an extremely emotional weekend...
Where I am in my rehab now...My life since my accident has not been easy, even though its been almost 4 years I still struggle. As time goes by the "sting" of losing Tyler and Dennis has got a little less painful. (Not a lot though) I have a motto..one day at a time. I still struggle with my appearance and I still do without my prothesis. My findings on the prothesis issue is that many above elbow amputees do with out them. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy! I was right handed so now I have to relearn everything with my left hand. Very important quote coming up..we take so much for granted in our lives until we are faced with either losing a loved one or a part of our bodies. I have truely learned a valuable lesson. All that has happened in my life has made me a stronger and I think; wiser person. Im not as angry anymore but still have major bouts of depression. Anniversary's of Tyler's Birthday, his diagnosis(and every treatment) and his death are still extremely hard. It feels as if it were only yesterday, theres not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, love him and miss him. Dennis was my bestfriend, my true soulmate, the love of my life and I miss him deeply also. Many times through the day I talk to Tyler and Dennis, I know their together playing ice hockey and throwing the ball for Lucky.
My life has been a difficult one and I've gone through many changes since I started this webpage. The part about Daryl and I is no longer, we had way to many differences and I guess I see life much different then him, thats not surprising given my situation. We both decided to go our own ways but still remain friends, and we still are to this day. Things have started to get better for me; I guess I'm starting to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Life is to live...I know that I'm going to make it because I have my wonderful children and the two most beautiful angels walking by my side always.

A butterfly lights beside us
like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment
it's glory and beauty
belong to our world,
but then it flies on again.

And though we wish
it could have stayed,
We feel so lucky
to have seen it.
Author unknown

HELPFUL LINKS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS:
My Parents Are Survivors(very worthwhile)
TCF Home Page

LINKS ON HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF:
Bereaved Families - Grief, Hospice, and Terminal Illness Resources grief grievi
GUIDE [A spouse has died]
GUIDE [Children and grief]

LINKS OF CHILDREN WITH CANCER:
Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation Canada
Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation®

AMPUTEE LINKS:
Welcome To Amp U T chat
Welcome to Amputee-Online.com
Amputees & Technical Support
Amputees Support, prosthetics,
emotions, prosthetists are all covered here.
Mental Health Net - Amputee
Resources

TO GO BACK TO MY REASON , MAIN PAGE

TO GO TO SEMI PICTURE....

TO GO TO MY WEBRINGS PAGE....

MIDI PLAYING:
I'M YOUR ANGEL
SUNG BY: CELINE DION & R.KELLY
DEDICATED TO TYLER & DENNIS...MY BEAUTIFUL ANGELS