Welcome to "THE BRIDGE" - A PAGE OF HUMOR AND INFORMATION!
CPO LOGIC... sent in by CTCS (T) "Vic" Jones of USS OXFORD
At a command picnic a bunch of officers are standing around talking. A LT said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." A CDR responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Then a CAPT says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating the conversation when a Chief walks by. The officers call the Chief over to ask his opinion. The CAPT says, "Chief, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The LT says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The CDR says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What is your opinion?"
The Chief says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have a Chief doing it for you!"
A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone. "Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone. "You're next,"the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship at 1300."
A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself." The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?" The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
A young Navy Officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which subsequently were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface warfare type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. When asked the Aviation Master Chief also replied, "Well yes. You have no ears." The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything differently about me?" To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked. The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no *#% ears."
THE BOGART BROTHERS?!!
CT3 (T) George Cassidy - 25 OCT 1964 in Photo Lab aboard OXFORD.
Little did I think that I would be involved with the OXFORD in the year 2000!
NAVY SPEAK
Can you still remember what this all meant?
Me and Willy were lollygagging by the scuttlebutt after being aloft to boy-butter up the antennas and were just perched on a bollard eyeballing a couple of bilge rats and flangeheads using crescent hammers to pack monkey shit around a fitting on a handybilly.
All of a sudden the dicksmith started hard-assing one of the deck apes for lifting his pogey bait. The pecker-checker was a sewer pipe sailor and the deckape was a gator. Maybe being blackshoes on a bird farm surrounded by a gaggle of cans didn't set right with either of those gobs.
The deck ape ran through the nearest hatch and dogged it tight because he knew the penis machinist was going to lay below, catch him between decks and punch him in the snot locker. He'd probably wind up on the binnacle list but Doc would find a way to gundeck the paper or give it the deep six to keep himself above board.
We heard the skivvywaver announce over the bitch box that the breadburners had creamed foreskins on toast and SOS ready on the mess decks so we cut and run to avoid the clusterf_ck when the twidgets and cannon cockers knew chow was on.
We were balls to the wall for the barn and everyone was preparing to hit the beach as soon as we doubled-up and threw the brow over. I had a ditty bag full of fufu juice that I was gonna spread on thick for the bar hogs with those sweet bosnias. Sure beats the hell out of brown bagging. Might even hit the acey-duecy club and try to hook up with a westpac widow. They were always leaving snail trails on the dance floor on amateur night.
I came across this recently in an envelope - my first Holiday aboard! Not a bad meal!!
PHOTOGRAPHS NEEDED!
The OXFORD site could use some interior photos of the OXFORD. Engine Room, berthing spaces, galley, bridge, aux spaces, shops, damage control spaces...anything!
If you'd like to email scanned photos we'd be more than happy to post 'em here!
George
"Damn it Captain, I told you OXFORD would roll in drydock!"
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-65. (Well, not really!)
OXFORD: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
VOICE ON RADIO: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
OXFORD: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
VOICE ON RADIO: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
OXFORD: This is the USS OXFORD, we are a large spyship of the U.S. Navy....DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
VOICE ON RADIO: This is a lighthouse. Your call OXFORD!
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
1964 - Typical Friday afternooon Captain's Inspection aboard U.S.S. Oxford. The ship's Medical Officer, LT R. J. Oleynik in foreground, checks one of the ORE Division's berths in After Berthing. Captain P.J. Hoffman checks under my mattress and XO, LCDR Rex Smellie is behind the CO. Lots of Brasso used on those bunks!
G. Cassidy photo
Ex-OXFORD crewmember Bill Slack recently found and photographed this rare gem in the back of a closet. Think he'll be bringing this on the OXFORD Reunion Cruise in March?
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the
walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it
out, clean up, and paint basement "deck gray".
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10
per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much
water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and
read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight,
then lock yourself out of bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the
door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you
to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up
all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is
up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front
window of your home.you can't leave until the next day because you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
(i.e. Dishwasher Operator, Blender technician, etc.).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
minutes.
16. Sit in your car and 1et it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This
is to ensure that your engine is properly "lighted off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms,
sweepdown fore and aft, empty all shitcans over fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each
pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and
the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies that are played in the
middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then
show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with sheep shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world
travel".
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead
bodies of your co-workers.
29. Nail gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,
and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and
order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general
quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking
the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour,
when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak,
but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay
attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the
oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway.
Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them
that at the end of the 6th week You're going to take them to Disneyland for
"weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them
that Disneyland has been cance1ed due the fact that they need to get ready
for engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they
can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
not-so-closest friends (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through
PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to
sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry,
wrong rack".
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub,
move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair
and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure you have a
supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living
room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint
sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car.
Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage
on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and
get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on
your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and
uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it
and read books.
51. Raise the threshholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through
one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard,
starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes
off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen
"stowed for sea."
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in.
Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your
stove. Say to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready "Stand there for
three or four hours. And again say to no one in particular "stove secured"
Roll up headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
I stumbled over this one day and after I could stop laughing I
thought I would share it. Hope you find this as 'real' as I did.
Bert Collins