Love is a big thing to me.

To quote a poem by my dear friend Jared..

"I want to love.... and I want it to matter."

Well... when I was nineteen, (I'm twenty one now) I thought I found the one that made my love matter. He was about six foot one, lanky, shaved his head, and seemed to have a permanant grin. He wore more nailpolish than I did and for the first time in my life... I really thought I had someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

Of course... I'm speaking in past tense because things didn't turn out that way.

Things fell apart, as things so often do, and we went our seperate ways.

For a long time, (nearly a year,) I tried convincing myself that I was over him. That I didn't still love him.

I was SO lying to myself. To this day, N8 is the only person I think I've ever really{1} loved.

Remembering all the times we spent together... our spur of the moment trips to the Bay Area, just for fun... spending New Years Eve camped out on the streets of Pasadena for the Rose Parade... attacking the two bratty kids who kept throwing stuff at us with a can of Silly String in each of our hands, laughing wildly as everyone, including the kids' parents, cheered us on... going away with him and waking up in the morning with him being the first thing I saw...

Remembering how much it hurt when I realized things were beyond repair. The moment when I sat in his car in front of my house telling him behind eyes full of tears that it was pointless trying to force it.... that we both knew we couldn't fix the damage that had been done.

As fate would have it... I listened to this cd for the first time right afterwards.

As I listened to the words... all the tears I'd been holding back streamed down my cheeks with a feirceness I never could have dreamed.

To me... this song is the perfect song to exemplify that heart wrenching feeling you get when you resign yourself to the fact that the love you once knew has died. It's not bitter, it''s not angry... it's just sad, hurt, it's all those emotions I didn't have the words to express on my own...

{1}There are many different degrees of love, and many different types. There have been other men I'vve loved, but nothing like how I loved him...

stuck to my shoes

does anyone know why you play with an orange rind

you say you packed my things

and divided what was mine you're off to the mountain top

I say her skinny legs could use sun

but now I'm wishing

for my best impressing

of my best Angie Dickinson

but now I've got to worry

cause boy you still look pretty

when you're putting the damage on

don't make me scratch on you door

I never left you

for a Banjo

I only just turned around for a poodle

and a corvette

and my impression

of my best Angie Dickinson

but now I've got to worry

cause boy you still look pretty

when you're putting the damage on

I'm trying not to move

it's just your ghost

passing through

I said

I'm trying not to move

It's just your ghost passing through

it's just your ghost

passing through

and now

I'm quite sure

there's a light in your platoon

I never seen a light move

like yours

can do to me

so now I'm wishing

for my best impressing

of my best Angie Dickinson

but now I've got to worry

cause boy you still look pretty

to me

but I've got a place to go

I've got a ticket to your lateshow

and now I'm worrying cause even still

you sure are pretty

when you're putting the damage on

yes

when you're putting the damage on

you're just so pretty