Trapped in My Room

Four Blank White Walls
Light from the lamp
So sick of everything
Stagnation

Every night the same thing
Get online, have a 'life'
Look for a Job and keep looking
Sick of Family, sick of the fighting

Father Full of Alcohol
Mother Rides the Fence of Denial
Brother cannot support his wife and kids
Younger Brother failing school
And here I sit, in the middle, without the motivation to change

Trapped in my Room
Mind withouth a View
Nothing Changes how i feel insane but still I stay the Same
Unmotivated, unwanting to even be; let alone be in this world

Heartbeat tapping throbbing into the walls
Smaller the Room gets and so does my Ambition
People telling me its all in my head
Feel like just laying all day in my Bed

Finding Change is an unreachable Goal
Get a Job; make sure its nine to five
Throw my life away into work so i can live
but not have a life; or anything else

Smoking Mom's Cigerettes provides no releif anymore
want to get my broken car fixed- so i can go driving
Passionless Dreams turn into Hate
Hate of Oneself
Hate of Others
Hate of Life
Hate of everything
Hate of Hating
Hate of nothing

So here i Sit doing Nothing
Being Nothing
Creating, Dreaming, Working, Feeling Nothing
If i could change the way it was and feel the way i used to;
At least that would be somthing


Broken Glass

And still after everything ive done i hate myself for what 
ive become

I look at my shadow in the mirror
what looks back at me makes me shiver
I hate whats staring back at me
through eyes i hate the image that i see

it smiles and nods and tells me hi
its from inside i want it to die
it shows me how i hate to feel
and all my confidence, its one glance steals

I wish to raise my fist and break the glass
but cannot bring myself to the task
for if i break it i break my self
and become a shattered toy on lifes giant shelf

i lay awake at night wondering what to do
Looking back into the mirror, wanting to know just who
can help me out of this maddening state
the more i look the more i hate

and so i find out what to do
this old me i see the one i once slew
I decide not to look into the mirror
the image i see only makes me shiver
and so i cast my glance away
and never look or let my eyes stay
on what i see through this broken glass
i hope to change it so my shame will pass

but all that i can do now is wait
and not look again, to choke my hate
and so i never see whats inside
it seems again i think ive died

                     BMW

Armor of the Night

WE paint the way we wish to feel and change what we feel 
to show others its worth feeling

Black Lipstick and Painted Nails

Make my bed so you can lie in it
Make my bed so you can die in it
Make my bed to hate me so
Make my bed to let me go
Make my bed to feel inside
Make my bed from the tears youve made me cry

i lie by myself at nite
so i can lie to myself when i wake up in the morning
So that everything i feel wont be real
so that i wont know the difference between living and not

Sleeping away the Pain
Perhaps someday ill feel the same
Finding hate in all i do
Killing myself while thinking of you
Plunging your knife into my heart
Treating myself they way i was meant to be
Destryong my insides to make myself feel
ending my pain while i still dream of the nights i was with you
Dreaming myself a life where i feel no more
Living in a place where im no longer a whore
making my life feel worthwhile again
Lieing to myself that im happy, just another Sin
So i end this little puzzle
My life with her was just a fumble
I know i made a big mistake
good bye to all, my end i will take
...

"Death is answers to questions we only ask 
  when we should not know the answers"
perhaps i have already told you things i have never told anyone else
Perhaps i will never think of anyone else the way i think of you
and what if im not what you expected?
"the more empty your heart is the more thats on your mind"

Lost myself when i was born
Lost myself when i was made
Lost my self when i found love
lost myself and fell from above
Lost myself in all i do
Lost myself, when i lost you

" Some say life is like a train, 
it travels from place to place and you have to choose what stops 
you get on and off of it at, and to choose well because you may 
miss stops you can never go back to"