Kicking the crutches from cripples, who cry
The soft words of comfort you gave, proved a lie.
The honeyed words hollow, the sympathy sham
You took what you want with no care who I am.
You knew of my past, all the pain and the fear;
Offered comfort, and solace, until I drew near,
Respect, admiration: I started to heed,
Drawn in at the last by betrayal and need.
We knew you as couples know couples: as friends
When your wife sought another, my heart sought amends
I sat with you, held you, saw nothing amiss
When you turned from your sorrow to steal a kiss.
A kiss and some comfort, I thought were your aim
Assurance you still had some worth in the game
Of kisses and courtship; the heart of your life
Being worn on the sleeve of your wandering wife.
The day you were wedded she swore she'd be true
Knowing your hist'ry of heartache and rue,
A first wife turned faithless, until at the end
Her folks helped you move, when she laid your best friend.
You trusted, and wedded, and bedded anew,
Thinking that all of those heartaches were through;
She loved you, you only, you gave her your heart,
When she then lusted elsewhere, it tore you apart.
She never once touched him, he hated himself
A transsexual wannabe, left on the shelf.
Broken heart bleeding, you turned to the thought
That if you could be like her, her love could be bought.
"Enlightenment" claimed, like the sun's brilliant glare,
You soon lost your sight, nerves burned out by your stare
You looked where you shouldn't, eyes lost down my dress,
My friendship lust's license, the start of this mess.
I told you my story, I gave you my trust,
A precious thing, rare, through betrayal by lust.
I thought with your past pain that you, of all men,
Could see past the cleavage and comfort a friend.
From father to psychopath, I told you all,
My buttons, my panic when pushed to the wall,
The way that I freeze up from sexual frights,
A deer in the glare of oncoming headlights.
You sympathized, offered your help, and your "heart",
In friendship "platonic", yet "stateoftheart":
"Emotional polyfidelity" termed
That endearment, for what was in truth danger's germ.
The first seeds of solace turned sexy were sown;
My husband depressed and cold, I was alone
My past for companion the whole of each day.
I came seeking comfort; but you came to play.
Each time that you saw me, you pushed at the bounds
Of fragile stability, safety newfound.
You swore me to secrecy, love's safety sought;
Thus breaching my safety net, in your web caught.
My husband would not understand, so you said,
Each time you apologized, bending your head.
You mouthed the right words, while your hands wandered free,
And you tore off my buttons to get them on me.
My husband would not understand, you were right.
We sat down together, explained, the first night;
That anything verging on sexy was out.
That this was platonic. That was without doubt.
I said that I couldn't. You vowed, understood,
Then went right on doing whatever you would.
A little bit more, each time that we met,
Between, you sent letters, forbid I forget.
You said all the right words, you knew them by heart,
You read the right books, and you played the right part.
You spoke of "enlightenment", "womyn", and love,
While you seemed to believe I was made for a glove.
A stolen kiss one night, your tongue, on the next.
So piece by piece, freeze by freeze, you pushed towards sex.
Soon after you broke off my buttons, one night,
My husband's new song lyrics "gave you the right".
You watched me change, each time, into a rag doll,
The pliable remnant of usage by all
From father to sociopath; yet, somehow, still,
You claimed every time it was by my own will.
The first time in five years, a "no" passed my lips
In the context of sex, yet the deep probing grips
That you took on me never changed, save that they grew
Every time that we met, even although YOU KNEW!
You knew I could not stop you, and you knew why.
You said you'd protect me, then you turn and you try
To use on me knowledge I gave you in trust
To make me once more shell-shocked victim of lust.
When you brought it out, "asked me" to touch it, that night,
In a daze, out of reflex, I asked you, in fright,
"Is there anything that I should know?" In Sex Ed,
They said we should ask that, we could wind up dead.
So I asked you, you said you had herpes; eyes bright
Asked me not to flee from you into the night.
I went home. My husband, who missed me, had been
Spending each night building romance again.
And into that, like a blind robot, in fear,
I told of your herpes my husband so dear,
And he, thinking only to please me, said you
And I, if we wished to, could anything do
But this did not sound safe. Could we research it first?
My safety was slipping, and I feared the worst.
If he, not to lose me, should share me instead,
Then the I that is me would be lost, if not dead.
But the books were on our side, they said there's no way
To ensure perfect safety, then went on to say
That if I were infected, our children could die,
Or be born without brains. The risk was too high.
We told you, and then you handed over the phone,
For me to be bitched out by your wife and her drone.
You three, each in turn, for an hour and a half
Screamed obscenities, claims so false they made me laugh.
To this tirade subjected, for choosing the life
Of my child, over sex breaking my vows as wife,
I bore it. I thought now my safety'd been bought,
That you'd leave me alone; knowing not what we'd wrought.
Obsessive, rejected, you would not requite
Your wife's lust for her lover, brought to you at night.
You turned from her, stewed for a week, 'til the day
That we came to your party, for Valentine's Day.
My husband had wakened his heart for my soul,
Saw me broken and hurting, and wanted me whole.
He had missed me. When I was with you, far apart
From my love, he discovered he needed his heart.
So he woke to new life, with it's pain, love, and me.
Feeling safe now, relieved, my love grew too, you see.
In this spirit, we gathered for Valentine's Day
With our "friends". At your home. And it ended this way:
The evening grown long, most guests long since gone,
You were drunk, drugged, obsessive, and now quite turned on.
You kept me alone with you, blocking the door.
My husband, downstairs, heard the music no more.
A drunken lascivious crowd fueled the flame,
But you gave it my face, and you called it my name.
When I told you to stop, using all of my strength,
You simply continued your probing, at length.
I froze, as you knew I would, right from the start.
But you had my body. At the last, that's the part
That you wanted, you proved that, by probing that night
Where you knew that you could though you hadn't the right.
Your hands rubbed me raw, then you stumbled away,
To get "Johnny's Raincoat", your "generous" way
Of "protecting me", showing your "care" and "concern"
For my health. I lolled doll-like, my flesh feeling burned.
And then in walked my husband, who got me downstairs,
Then away, just before you could finish. If there's
Any justice, someday we'll get word that at last
You've followed through threats made that night, in the past
To "go down" on a handgun, and blow off your head.
And I hope that your wife finds you there, splattered in bed.
When we went to your home to confront what you did,
You left us to her, and an ex-friend, and hid.
They yelled for an hour or more, both, and each,
Dissecting MY character, saying your reach
Into where you should not had been punished enough
By your "needless" depression, I'd "been far too rough",
Your behaviour forgivable, I should expect
That a month and a half of my time would direct
Both your rights and your interests to sex, though we said
From the start that this friendship was NOT about bed.
I had hurt you, said things that mean "damage control"
Must be done "for my loose tongue". They tore up my soul.
And you let them. A second and final assault,
On my senses and soul, with expected result:
I spent that night crying with friends, who in fear
Hid the knives, and the pills, before I came near.
I had sworn after last time that someone would die.
If I could not stop you, then that someone was I.
I told them what happened, too shocked for the words,
Then the next thing that happened was worse than absurd.
First they warned all their friends, young and female first,
That of people and crimes you were worst of the worst,
They cried the word "rape"; then they found out you used
Not your dick, but your hands, thought their trust was abused,
AND THEY TOOK IT ALL BACK. Told their friends they were wrong.
They changed first the tune, then the words of their song.
So now I'd lost friends, faith, and reason to live,
All because you can't take "No" for answer. I'll give
You this you have certainly found the right friends.
But I hope they can bear how they feel when the ends
Of themselves or their loved ones are swollen and sore.
Because once is not ever enough. You'll want more.
And you'll take it. You've shown that. When given the chance,
You are ruled by the head that you wear in your pants.
(c) August 18, 1999