A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "got any grapes?" and the bartender says no. The next day, the duck comes in and asks "Got any grapes?" again. The bartender says no. The next day, the duck comes in again, asking the same question. This time, in reply, the bartender says "If you ask me if I have grapes one more time, I'll nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck returns the next day and says "Got any nails?" the bartender says no. Then the duck asks another question: "Got any grapes?"
~~~~~
A guy is driving along the road when he hits a rabbit. He gets out of his car and gets a bottle out of his trunk. He pours it on the rabbit and drives away, throwing the bottle on the side of the road. Meanwhile, an old man is on his front porch watching this. The rabbit gets up and waves. The old man is astonished. The rabbit still is standing, waving to the old man. The old man walks over to the bottle on the side of the road, and reads it. It says "Permenent 'Hair' Wave".
~~~~~
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to be young and beautiful. Poof! She was young and beautiful. For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
~~~~~
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."
~~~~~
4 guys had a Chem test on Mon. They would've studied but partied all weekend long. They all decided to skip the test and retake it Tues.
When they went to class, they told the professor that they had a flat tire and couldn't get back in time for the test. Luckily, the professor was leaniant and said"OK,come back this afternoon to retake it"
When all 4 get there, it is a 2 page test. The first is a stoichometry problem worth 5 pts. The other question worth 95 pts. was:
"Which tire was it?"
~~~~~
WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find
my clothes."
-- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests
don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff
I haven't been through in school."
-- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT
to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and
from class"
-- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
for three years, not Princeton."
-- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to
see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
-- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
~~~~~
YOU MIGHT BE AN AOL ADDICT IF...
....You walk into a room, and finding that it has more then 23
people, you inform the management that there is an error.
....You find yourself tilting your head when you smile.
....Your AOL bill is more than your phone bill.
....When laughing, you find yourself saying "LOL" outloud.
....You get more e-mail than snail mail.
....When introducing yourself to anyone, you use your screen name.
....You understand what BIM, BIF, ISO, M4M, or F4F means.
....You are no longer afraid of a mouse.
....You're awake for a lot of sunrises.
....You are a male and see a female in the "real" world that you wish
to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
....You are a female and see a male in the "real" world that you wish
to meet, your first thought is that you wish he would IM you.
....You don't understand the humor in the above-mentioned item, since
the "real" world is not at your fingertips.
....When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is
wishing they would be on AOL so you wouldn't have to meet them in
person.
....When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases.
....You go up to people you are attracted to and ask for their GIF.
....Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely
jealous of people that are hitting on your cyber-love.
....You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
....The only way that your child can get your attention is by:
a) Standing in front of your screen
b) IM'ing you
c) telling you that Steve Case is calling you on the phone
....When your spouse is mad at you, they threaten to erase your
e-mail, and you humbly, earnestly, and quickly beg for forgiveness.
....When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the letter
"i" should be capitalized.
....When going on a job interview and asked if you have any questions
about the company, your first response is to ask if they are on AOL.
....When looking at signs, you wonder why they're always yelling at
you.
....When leaving to go to the bathroom, you find yourself saying,
"BRB."
....When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have
none, you ask for an age\sex\location check.
....Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your
sleep instead of talking.
....You dream in text.
....Tech support calls YOU for help!
....You watch TV with the sound off and the close-captioning on.
....You double-click your remote.
....You beg your friends to go online so you can "hang out".
....You've gotten on a plane to meet someone face to face
....You've met over a 100 AOLers.
....You have over 100 people on your buddy list.
....You sign on and immediately get ten IMs from people that have you
on their buddy lists.
....You meet people face to face, and you don't know their real
names.
....You've known people for years, and you don't know their real
names.
....You've typed, "Drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone."
....You have a vanity tag with your screenname on it. ...You no longer
use capital letter, proper punctuation, or complete sentences.
....You type over 70 WPM.
....You type faster than you think
....Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
....When someone asks, "What did you say?" You respond, "Scroll up!"
....You have an identity crisis when someone uses a screenname
similar to yours.
....You change screennames so much that you have to check your
profile to figure out who you are.
....You've invited ten or more strangers to your house only because
they were cool online.
....You have a second line just for you computer.
....You type messages to people while you're speaking with on the
phone at the same time.
....You smile sideways.
....You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone before signing off.
....You bring a bag lunch to your computer.
....You go through AOL withdrawal during dinner.
....You wake up and your first instinct is to go online before having
a cup of coffee.
....You use AOL lingo in your "real" life (if you still have one)
....You stop using whole words like BRB, TTYL, dunno, gotta, etc...
....You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of his/her office.
....When you die, you want your computer buried with you -- or vice
versa.
....Being called a "Newbie" is a MAJOR insult.
....There's absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you are
really bored -- yet you don't want to leave in case you miss
something.
....You enjoy being called an AOL addict.
....You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have
committed them yourself.
~~~~~
At The Superbowl...
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat
is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to
the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "no".
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in
1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
~~~~~
~~~~~
College Courses For Both Men & Women
FOUND IN BATHROOMS:
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
Amendment 2 and OCA, soon you will be DOA.
On a tombstone used as part of a Halloween display, Hamburger
Mary's, Seattle, WA
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for
ice.
Smoky Joe's., Philadelphia, PA
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Beware of limbo dancers.
On the bottom of the stall door, Women's Restroom, Broad
Ripple Brew Pub, Indianapolis, IN
Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.
Women's Restroom, City View Tavern, Cincinnati, OH
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont. Burlington, VT
Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma.
Blueberry Hill, St. Louis, MO
Flush twice - It's a long way to the kitchen.
Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria
University of Wyoming, Laramie, WY
God made pot.
Man made beer.
Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. Descartes
To be is to do. Voltaire
Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, OR
Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw. Stick with Nixon.
Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
Chris-Just remember that this dollar is not to be spent until
everything between us is over (completely). Please remember I love
you!-Tori
On dollar bill F602225237.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both, get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
God is dead.
-Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead.
-God
The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
A word in the mouth is worth two from George Bush.
I don't understand.
That's okay, Dan.
H.L. Mencken's Cultured Pearl Restaurant and Bar, Baltimore,
MD
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, NY
This bubble gum tastes like rubber.
Yeah, but it lasts a long time.
And it blows great bubbles.
Condom machine, Missoula, MT
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
JESUS SAVES!
But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh.
Port O'John, Acadia National Park, ME
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
Bill Clinton threw up here.
The Oyster Bar, Little Rock, AR
LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Men's restroom, The 400 bar, Minneapolis, MN
I used to be into sadistic bestial necrophilia and... but then I
realized I was just beating a dead horse.
The Cellar Restaurant, Blacksburg, VA
If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco.
Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
Why do drunk men miss the toilet?
Why do sober men?
South Main Cafe, Blacksburg, VA
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
Hey Nike, I just did it!
Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD
~~~~
You've been online too long if...
1. You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's
new E-Mail address.
2. You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it
at 28,800 BPS.
3. You try to download chips and beer for the movie.
4. All the household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.
5. You hide the phone or ISP bill from the spouse because you may have
to sell the family car to pay it.
6. You start naming the children, Prompt, Enter, Retry, & Abort to
Continue.
7. The kids respond to Archie, Veronica, & Jughead only and you call
your pet dog Gopher.
8. The pizza in the fridge asks to be moved further from what used to
be the meatloaf.
9. You try to pay the paperboy via electronic transfer.
10. You've been surfing all day, have no tan, and the only water
you've come in contact with is in the glass next to you.
11. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
12. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
13. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you
smile.
14. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.
15. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
out".
16. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
17. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you
wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
18. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you
wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
19. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8
since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
20. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
21. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases.
22. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than
23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
23. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at
you.
24. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask
them for their GIF.
25. Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual"
experience.
26. You know what a "snert" is.
27. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you
wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see
who was online".
28. You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their
real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
29. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks
face-to-face.
30. When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is
wishing they'd be on AOL so you don't have to meet them in person.
31. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
32. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.
33. You have met over 100 AOLers.
34. When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have
a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
35. You understand the humor in all of this.
36. You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
37. When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for
you, and think they can.
38. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL
junkies.
39. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say
"BRB" or "BBL".
40. You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail
mail).
41. You go into withdrawals during dinner.
42. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to
everyone in a room.
43. You stop speaking in full sentences.
44. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up
"giving" tech support to other AOLers.
45. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.
46. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark
where people are you have met.
47. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your
ignore button handy.
48. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
49. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting and
you think , "Uh oh, cyber sex perv."
50. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for
more than a few hours.
51. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
52. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get
this one...If so, you've been hanging out in *strange* places).
53. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get
online before you have your first cup of coffee.
54. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
55. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.
56. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come
home from work.
57. You don't know where the time has gone.
58. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters
by hand.
59. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you
have had.
60. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.
61. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
62. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
63. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.
64. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n
& I will TTYL".
65. You type faster than you think.
66. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now
undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
67. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice
versa.
68. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
69. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that
scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
70. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes
and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
71. You dream in "text".
72. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
73. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're
really bored.
74. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.
75. You double click your TV remote.
76. You can now type over 70 wpm.
77. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
~~~~~
1ST GRADERS RE-WROTE THESE STATEMENTS OF WISDOM
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You........ Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But....... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty.
No News Is........ Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New........ Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The
Morning.
Love All, Trust........ Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What........ You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To
Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As........ Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed........ Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You........ See Pictured On The
Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... .....Aunt Eddie.
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